0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight -
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Romesh Ranganathan!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:00:28 > 0:00:33# But the very next day you gave it away
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# This year, to save me from tears
0:00:37 > 0:00:40# I'll give it to someone special... #
0:00:40 > 0:00:42CROWD CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Welcome to Noel at the Apollo.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Yes, mate. Merry Christmas!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Merry Christmas!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Well, I'm Hindu. But thank you so much for the sentiment.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Such an honour to be hosting the Christmas Live at the Apollo.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And you sort of think, "How have I got this point?"
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I just want to give thanks to diversity quotas.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16You know, it's...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20..really helped me out. You're getting two-for-one with me,
0:01:20 > 0:01:24because I'm Asian and I've got a lazy eye. So, what you get...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26you get ethnicity and you get disability.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29I do like Christmas.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I like to play the race card at Christmas.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35What's good about it is you can make anyone feel racist at Christmas.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39It's a really nice little tradition I like to do.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41If somebody comes up to you and says "Merry Christmas,"
0:01:41 > 0:01:45you go, "Why would you assume that I celebrate Christmas?"
0:01:45 > 0:01:46And if they come up to you
0:01:46 > 0:01:48and go, "Merry Chr... Oh, no, do you celebrate...?"
0:01:48 > 0:01:51You go, "Why would you assume that I don't celebrate Christmas?"
0:01:52 > 0:01:55It's wicked, man. I love it.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Or sometimes I like to knock on a neighbour's door
0:01:57 > 0:01:58and go, "Here's your Christmas card.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00"Notice you didn't get me one for Diwali.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"See you later."
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Nice. It's nice. Obviously, it's difficult for us at our house
0:02:06 > 0:02:08with Christmas and that, because -
0:02:08 > 0:02:10well, I can't pretend to be Santa.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21It's because of the lazy eye, it just makes it such a...
0:02:21 > 0:02:24a nightmare. The kids don't know which one I'm giving the present to,
0:02:24 > 0:02:28it's just absolutely horrendous.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32My wife always wants to go away for Christmas, right?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Last Christmas, she wanted to do Disneyland Paris.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Has anyone been there?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I liked it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I found it difficult to engage with it fully
0:02:41 > 0:02:43because it was so expensive.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's very difficult to fully enjoy it
0:02:46 > 0:02:50when you know how much you've paid to get your family in there.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Like, my kids were walking around
0:02:52 > 0:02:55just, like, all the visions of Christmassy Disney,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and I just had, in my eyes, the invoice.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Do you know what I mean?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02For me, Disneyland Paris
0:03:02 > 0:03:05is basically like a three-day angry walk.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Do you know what I mean?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Just wandering around going "Fuck off, Donald!"
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Do you know what I mean? Just furious. So angry.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It's the first time I really thought about learning another language,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18right, because they all speak French, obviously. We're in France.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I'm not so post-Brexit that they can't speak their own language
0:03:22 > 0:03:23in their own country.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24I'm a very paranoid dude.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28We're queueing up for the Tower of Terror with my eldest son,
0:03:28 > 0:03:29just about to get on the ride.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31The guy behind the counter turns to his mate and goes...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33HE MIMICS FRENCH
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I was thinking, "What the shit did that dude just say, man?"
0:03:37 > 0:03:39In my head, I'm thinking he must've gone,
0:03:39 > 0:03:40"I think the roller-coaster is broken.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43"Let's just try it out one more time on this prick and his son."
0:03:50 > 0:03:52He probably just said, "I fancy a sandwich."
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I don't know. But I'm very paranoid.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57The kids were very excited, right?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00They're excited cos how it works is, you pay a lot of money to get in
0:04:00 > 0:04:02so you can access some shops where you spend some more money.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Right, that's how it works. The kids are like,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06"Ha, ha, ha! We're going to buy loads of stuff."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I said, "No. No, you're not, mate.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"You're allowed one present each, yeah?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"Because Daddy is being fisted by Mickey here.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18"Right, so, you get one present each.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"All right? No messing about."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22The little one... The thing is, I actually make an extra saving,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24because I've got a seven-year-old,
0:04:24 > 0:04:25I've got a five-year-old and a two-year-old.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28The two-year-old doesn't know what's going on, so sack him off,
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Do you know what I mean?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I just gave him a croissant we got free at the hotel.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"There you go, mate."
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"Thank you, Daddy. Thank you. Thank you so much."
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"Yeah, enjoy, dickhead."
0:04:45 > 0:04:49The eldest one, he chose a Jedi cloak.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50He's into Star Wars.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I mean, not properly, he doesn't know the mythology properly,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56but he is into Star Wars.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59He chose a Jedi cloak with Mickey ears on it.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Now, immediately I can feel tension in here.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He was wearing around the house.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08One of my mates went, "It's disgusting. Disgusting.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"It's exactly why I didn't want them taking over Star Wars,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11"because of things like this."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I was thinking, "What is your problem, dude?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14"What are you concerned about?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"Are you worried that Star Wars is going to become commercial?"
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Do you know what I mean?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21When you're watching Jar Jar Binks
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and thinking, "No, this is still cutting edge."
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And it's then Mickey ears that pushed you over.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Was it really?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30My second son, he chose...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32he chose a radio-controlled car.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Fine. Get back to England.
0:05:34 > 0:05:40So frustrating how shit this kid is at driving the car, man.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Like, he's knocking into coffee tables, he's hitting my ankles,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45he's hitting the skirting boards.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I said to him, "Dude, a kid of your age MADE that."
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Right?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57APPLAUSE
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"You can't even drive it, you prick."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Unbelievable, this kid.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08They've just... My two older ones have just started school.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I think school is the earliest point at which I care
0:06:11 > 0:06:12what my kids have been up to.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Because like when my son was at nursery,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I used to go and pick him up from nursery,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19and the girl working there would go, "Great day today. Great day today.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20"Great day. Great day.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Would you like your daily report of what he's been up to?"
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"No. I don't think so."
0:06:25 > 0:06:29What could he possibly have done that I would care about?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Let me guess, he dropped some stuff and he shit himself.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Right? Cos that's what he does at home.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Unless he's built a shed, I really couldn't care less.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40In fact, I resent the fact we're having a conversation.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42That's the honest truth of it.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It's difficult. It's difficult for teachers.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I respect teachers, you know?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50They get all these Christmas presents and that, and people say,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"Oh, we've got to buy presents for our teachers." Good.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Teachers deserve it, mate.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Do you know what I mean? I used to be a teacher, it's boring.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I mean, it's liberating once you stop caring about the kids' futures.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Then it becomes a wonderful, wonderful job.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05But you have to do boring stuff.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07We had to do exam invigilation, right?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10It's where the kids are sitting in a hall doing an exam
0:07:10 > 0:07:14and you've got to walk around pretending that you're interested,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17and you're worried about them cheating. So you just...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Sometimes I would do this, right.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32SNIGGERS: Good luck, mate.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Just add a little spice to proceedings.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38It was very boring.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I had to find a way of passing the time.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42The way that I did it is I played battleship.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Now, how this would work is I would get a piece of paper
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and I'd write down on a piece of paper the name of the kid
0:07:47 > 0:07:49that I thought was the ugliest in the room.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Or the kid that I thought had the shittest haircut.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Then the other teacher would walk through the hall...
0:08:03 > 0:08:04..and they would stop by the kid
0:08:04 > 0:08:06that they thought I was talking about.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14And if they got it correct then they'd sunk my battleship.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16It was a very fun game.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It's now been made illegal in West Sussex, sadly.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I just find it... I find it exciting.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24My kids get so excited about Christmas and I sort of...
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I get caught up in, you know, what does the future hold for them?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Are they going to follow their dreams?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33And then I realise that Christmas TV, it just...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36I disagree with it. Right? I disagree with this...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I actually disagree with chasing your dreams.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I actually disagree with it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43If there's any message you get from this, don't chase your dreams.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Right? Life is not about chasing your dreams.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Life is about compromising your ideals and waiting to die.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51That... That's what life is about.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You know, like... I just think teachers get a hard time.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55I think they get a hard time about this, right?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Because somebody like Justin Bieber will win an award, right?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Then he'll come out and he'll go, "Just want to say,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05"this is for the teachers that said I was never going to do it."
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Do you know why your teachers said
0:09:06 > 0:09:08you were never going to do it, Justin?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Do you know how statistically unlikely it is
0:09:12 > 0:09:15for you to achieve the outcomes that you have done?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Yeah? Especially bearing in mind
0:09:17 > 0:09:19what a bellend you must have been as a kid, right?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Do you know how unlikely it is?
0:09:21 > 0:09:26How irresponsible a careers adviser would you have to be
0:09:26 > 0:09:28to say to a kid, "Do you know what, mate? You need to stop studying.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"You're going to be the number one recording artist
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"in the whole world."
0:09:32 > 0:09:35If my kid came home and said that that's what's been told to him
0:09:35 > 0:09:38by his school, I would go to that school
0:09:38 > 0:09:40and I'd burn it to the fucking ground.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Right? I want to see it the other way.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I want to see a teacher who's told a kid he wouldn't amount to shit,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48and he didn't, come out and admit it.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Right? I want to see him brought out on TV just going,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"This is for Mrs Clerkenwell.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55"She said I was never going to do anything with my life,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"and I just wanted to come out here and say, I haven't.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01"You know, I've got nothing really going on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"Three failed marriages behind me, I'm wearing everything I own.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06"I just want to say she said I was going to be a waste of space
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"and it turns out I have been. So, this is for my teacher
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"that said I wasn't going to amount to anything."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Yeah? That's what I want to see.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Because chasing dreams is a nightmare.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19It's a nightmare. And people who are doing regular decent jobs
0:10:19 > 0:10:21get disrespected. That's what annoys me.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Like, you see it on X Factor. X Factor, right?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26When these people get through to the live rounds, right,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28they take them back to their old place of work,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31which is a perfectly decent job.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32They'll take this bloke back.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34They go to Tesco's or something.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Sees his mate working on fruit and veg who he used to work with
0:10:36 > 0:10:39and he'll go...
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"That's Pete. I used to work with him.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"You know, the thought of having to go back
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"and do that ever again just makes me want to kill myself.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51"See you later, Pete."
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Pete's just over here like...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"I just like bananas."
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You know what I don't understand?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Is that being famous is fine, but don't pretend that it's noble.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07It's not an noble ambition, right? It's vacuous.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09So, just admit that. X Factor, they try and add something.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11They try and add some substance to it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Like, they'll give them backstories
0:11:13 > 0:11:15so that you go, "Oh, my God, they've got to do it."
0:11:15 > 0:11:17You'll see someone, they'll go, "Oh, you know,
0:11:17 > 0:11:18"I just really want to make it through
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"because my brother's got cancer
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"and he said that one of his, like, dying wishes
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"would be to see me go through to the live rounds."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26And I think, "Well, that is very noble, isn't it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28"Cos I would have assumed that one of his last dying wishes
0:11:28 > 0:11:30"would be to get better.
0:11:30 > 0:11:35"Right, but this guy is willing to sacrifice that...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"so that you can make it through to Louis' six chairs."
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I mean that's pretty amazing, isn't it?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Things like that irritate me. Little things like that irritate me.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You know, I got...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I got given an Iggy Azalea album, right?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58That irritates me.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01There any fans of Iggy Azalea in?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:12:02 > 0:12:04This is my problem with Iggy Azalea.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06She's a white Australian.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08She's a white Australian
0:12:08 > 0:12:12and she's rapping like a black woman from the South.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13And it's illegal.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15How is it legal?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I don't understand. She doesn't...
0:12:18 > 0:12:19She doesn't... It's not like Eminem.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Eminem raps how he talks.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Iggy Azalea talks like this...
0:12:22 > 0:12:23AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Hello, Mate, I'm Iggy."
0:12:23 > 0:12:26And then when she raps, she puts on...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29she does an impression of a black woman from the Deep South.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33They record that and they sell it and it's OK.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38She's doing an impression... Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40She's doing an impression of a black woman.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Do you get what I'm saying?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Iggy Azalea is a minstrel that couldn't be asked to black-up.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46That's what Iggy Azalea is.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48APPLAUSE
0:12:53 > 0:12:55My...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57My brother said to me I'm overreacting.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59He goes, "You're overreacting, mate.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"It's hip-hop. She can't rap with an Australian accent,
0:13:01 > 0:13:02"it wouldn't be authentic."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Wouldn't be authentic!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I don't buy that as an argument, you know?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10If you went to an Indian restaurant
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and the waiter was white...
0:13:13 > 0:13:17and for a little bit of authenticity...
0:13:25 > 0:13:26..he said...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28BROAD INDIAN ACCENT: "Would you like a poppadum?"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31You wouldn't accept that, would you?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of this evening?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:13:45 > 0:13:47We have got three incredible acts for you,
0:13:47 > 0:13:48and we're starting brilliantly.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51He's absolutely fantastic. He's one of my very best friends.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Ladies and gentlemen, please, can you give it up for Mr Seann Walsh?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:55 > 0:13:58# So here it is, merry Christmas
0:13:58 > 0:14:02# Everybody's having fun... #
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Apollo, yes!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Thank you very much, hello!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- ALL:- Hello! - Hello!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Merry Christmas!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Merry Christmas!- Yes!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Pigging it out. Pigging it out.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It's great, isn't it? Christmas.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29It's the only time of the year where eating a cheeseboard is acceptable.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I think. Isn't it?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Any other time of the year, I look at a dessert menu and think,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"That's weird. Look at all that sweet stuff -
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"tiramisu, creme brulee,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47"Eton mess, sticky toffee pudding,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"chocolate brownie and sorbet ice cream."
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Then... "Cheeseboard."
0:14:54 > 0:15:00What is a cheeseboard doing on the dessert menu?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02That's not a dessert, is it?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04If anything, that is a main.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06What fat wanker...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11..is having a cheeseboard after a steak and chips?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17That can't have been on the dessert menu the whole time, could it?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Once upon a time, someone has ordered that for the first time.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Sat at a restaurant there.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Wife...and fat husband.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Sat there. Wife's gone,
0:15:30 > 0:15:35"Darling, I think I'm going to go for the sticky toffee pudding.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37"Yeah. How about you?"
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"I want some cheese."
0:15:49 > 0:15:51APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:15:59"Oh. Oh, well I could see if they...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"they do cheese. Which one?"
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"All of them.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"I want all the cheeses.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"Camembert, Stilton...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21"Brie, Cheddar,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25"mozzarella, halloumi...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31"Forget the plate, just shove it on a plank of wood."
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"Darling, it's just that most people after their main,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"they tend to have something sweet, that's all."
0:16:44 > 0:16:46"Stick some grapes on it."
0:16:46 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:59But enjoy. Enjoy the pigging out whilst you can.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Because before you know it, it's January.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Health kick.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10People go on these soul-destroying diets.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Like juicing. Do you know about this?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Juicing. People juice.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17They put broccoli and celery...
0:17:17 > 0:17:21in a drink. Tell you it's delicious.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Is it? Eat it then.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I have never had to put a chicken nugget in a blender.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38It's meant to be good for you. Is it?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Juicing used to be a threat.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Made by gangsters.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"You do that again, you'll be having dinner through a straw."
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You say that to someone now, they go, "Ooh, detox!
0:17:59 > 0:18:00"Oh, lovely!"
0:18:03 > 0:18:05My girlfriend, she's into all these fads.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08She's juiced. She comes in in the morning.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10"I'm juicing! It's delicious."
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Holds up this glass...
0:18:11 > 0:18:16full of what can only be described as a post-Guinness shit.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Every morning.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27HE MIMICS JUICER
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I don't have to set my alarm any more.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Every morning.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40This is after she's used the noise gun to dry her hair.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45HE MIMICS HAIRDRYER
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I had to go to a building site for a nap.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59But there's a lot of pressure on people to look good, isn't there?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Go on these extreme diets.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Even I've juiced.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04I don't like to admit it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I wasn't feeling too good about myself earlier on in the year.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I juiced. I didn't... I wasn't strict.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12You know, you're meant to do it for seven days.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I did it for three.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15No solid food.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Just Guinness.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I lost...my phone...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35..my keys and a close friend.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I'll tell you the worst people, these are the 2016 dickheads.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47They're spreading. Making us feel bad about ourselves.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51You know these ones? They say things like this,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"I'm not eating bread."
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Oh, fuck off.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Do you know what I mean?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I can't even enjoy bread any more?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08A bit of bread? I've cut down on the ketamine.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15And now I can't enjoy a bit of lemon curd on toast.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19My girlfriend, she's so healthy now.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24We're allowed bread, but it's gluten-free bread.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Do you know this? A lot of people unsure exactly of what gluten is.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I'll tell you, because I know about this stuff now.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Gluten is the good bit.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Gluten's the bit that makes you think,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48"Oh, I'll have some more bread."
0:20:49 > 0:20:51My girlfriend, she's vegan.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53We've had to get rid of the fridge.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56No more fridge.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59We've replaced the fridge with what looks just like a fridge,
0:20:59 > 0:21:04except you open it and inside is an allotment.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08You know, all this green shit.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12That stuff that you run past at the beginning of supermarkets.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"Where's the cheese?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20"Oh, look, they've got pop tarts. Brilliant.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"Doughnuts."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I miss the fridge.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29The real fridge.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Stood up eating.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Nothing better, is there?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Stood up in your pants, open the door, it lights up.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Aaahhhh!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You get in there...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42It's the only place where you can have Kit Kat and ham in your mouth
0:21:42 > 0:21:44at the same time.
0:21:48 > 0:21:56Now I open it, it's full of broccoli, lettuce, fennel,
0:21:56 > 0:22:03celery, apples, pears, spinach, cabbage, kale!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Which is cabbage for twats.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20My girlfriend's got me eating healthy now.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21She makes us soup.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Soup.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I have to eat soup now, like I'm ill.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It's always the same with soup, isn't it?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Eating the soup. Every time I go through the same experience,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"Oh, this is quite nice, actually.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"I'm quite enjoying this.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"It's tasty and it's good for you.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"You're getting one of your five a day.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"This is lovely. I'm going to cut out all the other shit.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"I'm just going to eat soup." And then you finish the bread.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00You realise you don't love soup.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02You love bread...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04and butter...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07..dipped in a sauce.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Thank you very much, Apollo.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Merry Christmas! Goodnight, see you later!
0:23:18 > 0:23:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Seann Walsh, ladies and gentlemen!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act this evening?
0:23:39 > 0:23:40AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Please go wild, go crazy, for the fantastic Kerry Godliman!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:48MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Hello. Merry Christmas, Hammersmith Apollo!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:24:01 > 0:24:02How exciting.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05You've all got Christmassy vibes going on.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Everyone looks quite glammed up.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Little bit of sparkle. Everyone's Christmas ready.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Who's going away for Christmas? - AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Going away for Christmas is a thing, isn't it?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I don't want to go away for Christmas
0:24:15 > 0:24:16because I like where we live now.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Because when we first moved to our area, it was a bit shit, right?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21But it's got nice.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24It's got a little bit nicer. It's very slightly gentrified.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25So, now everyone that owns their property,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28they go on Rightmove every day for a little wank.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"Ooh, let's have a little look at what our house is worth. Whoar!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"Let's think of somewhere cheaper and put it in.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37"See what we can get.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"Put in somewhere shit.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41"Somewhere, I don't know, somewhere up north.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45"Put that in." And then you're like, "Fucking hell, we could own Hull."
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Disgusting. It's very vulgar.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50So, I've never lived anywhere nice before.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53It's been quite interesting watching it sort of change a little bit.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Like, first off, there's little signs that you notice
0:24:56 > 0:24:57when the change is on the horizon.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Like, first off, it's the availability of sourdough.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03"Mm, change a-coming."
0:25:03 > 0:25:05And then... And then it's the pub.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07It's always the pub. You've got to keep an eye on the pub.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10The pub changes. Like, our old pub, it was a sort of working-class pub.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Old blokes in there. Smoking roll-ups,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14buying and selling the odd gun.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Watching Sky Sports, right?
0:25:17 > 0:25:18But they've all had to go now,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20they've been kicked out and the pub's been done up.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23It's all shabby chic, it's all been done a bit retro
0:25:23 > 0:25:25and now there's like pictures on the wall.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Old Polaroid photographs of working-class blokes
0:25:28 > 0:25:33smoking roll-ups, buying and selling guns, watching Sky Sports.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35And you can eat there. You can get food in the pub now,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38you can get a rustic frittata on a distressed camping plate.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Or like a pizza off a bin lid. It's great.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Tapas off a plank.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Because gentrified people like to eat food
0:25:46 > 0:25:48from bits of shit in the shed.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Bits of crap kicking around in the garage.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I've had soup out of a bed pan.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- It's nice. - APPLAUSE
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Nice.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I like it. I like it.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You have to get a tetanus after you've had a meal, but it's nice.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04And parenting at Christmas time.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I worry about my parenting.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I'm not... I don't know if I'm that good at it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I get into rows.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I row with my kids. You shouldn't row with kids, should you?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12It's really frowned at.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I said to my friend, "I row with my kids,"
0:26:14 > 0:26:16and she said, "What do you mean you row with them?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17"You mean you, like, tell them off?"
0:26:17 > 0:26:21I said, "No, because that would suggest status, wouldn't it?"
0:26:21 > 0:26:24That would imply I've got some power in our relationship,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26but I don't seem to have any power.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29We were at the supermarket recently, getting all the shopping in.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I'm quite harassed, I've got other things I need to be doing.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35One of them's like, "No, we don't like pasta shells.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"We only like pasta bows."
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I'm like, "It's the same. It's the same thing.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42"All of the pastas are the same.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45"The pipes and the bows and the shells and the twists -
0:26:45 > 0:26:47"what are you looking at?"
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I said, "You don't give a toss about shape when it's chocolate.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53"Do you?"
0:26:55 > 0:26:58No, it's not good.
0:26:58 > 0:27:04No, because there's no glory in winning a row with a child.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Like, if you win a row with your mate,
0:27:06 > 0:27:08you then tell your other mate, don't you?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And then you like, "And then I said, right...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13"and then I said, 'You don't give a shit about shape
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"'when it's chocolate, do you?' And I said it to her face."
0:27:18 > 0:27:19It's like, "Ooh, well done.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"With your six-year-old kid? Well done, Kell."
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And my son loves to play snap.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26He loves to play dinosaur snap.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29And he hates to lose, cos kids do, don't they?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Kids hate losing games.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33You won't meet a kid that loses a game that's like, "No, it's fine,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"best of five. Let's just go again."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38So, I have to let him win because I'm his mum and I love him
0:27:38 > 0:27:41in a sort of oppressive, cloying way.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42So I have to let him win.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45He'll lose at things later in life when I can't control that for him,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48but for this game of snap, I can let him win, can't I?
0:27:48 > 0:27:54But it turns out that my reflexes aren't as sentimental...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56as me.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59So, a diplodocus goes down, and then another diplodocus,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02and before I kind of know what's happening, I'm like, "Snap!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05"Snap! Ha-ha!"
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Right in his face.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Starts crying.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12You're like, "Oh, grow some, babe.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13"Snap's snap.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18"Life's a bitch, and so's your mum. Shuffle."
0:28:18 > 0:28:20APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:21It's not nice.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25I shouldn't. I should be a nicer...
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I should be a nicer mum.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29But I love them. You love them so much.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33You love them so much and it's hard to manage that amount of love.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Especially at this time of year, you want it to be magical.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37It's going to be magical.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39And I'd collect every memento of their childhood.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40That's a way of managing, isn't it?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Your affection for them. Collect everything, collect everything.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I got millions of photographs of them.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Millions of the first one, a lot less of the second one.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50And collect all their teeth.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51I got all their baby teeth -
0:28:51 > 0:28:54which is a weird tradition if you properly think about it.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58I've got a drawer full of human child's teeth...
0:28:58 > 0:29:00at home. But you just got to get it all, haven't you?
0:29:00 > 0:29:03Collect it all. The bits of their hair from their little haircuts
0:29:03 > 0:29:05and their little baby shoes and the little drawings they do.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08And you collect it, collect it. I feel like a sort of Disney witch.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10"Collect the child! Collect the child!
0:29:10 > 0:29:12"Keep the child! Keep their teeth! Keep their shoes!
0:29:12 > 0:29:15"Keep their shoes. Keep the child.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"Love the child..."
0:29:17 > 0:29:18It does make you sort of think,
0:29:18 > 0:29:21"What am I going to do with all this shit?"
0:29:23 > 0:29:26I could sort of make a voodoo effigy of them, couldn't I?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29As a disciplining technique when they're older.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Giving me backchat. "You be back by ten, yeah?"
0:29:31 > 0:29:33"Yeah, whatever, Mum.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37"No, Mummy, not the voodoo!"
0:29:38 > 0:29:41"Pull the child! Pull the child!
0:29:41 > 0:29:44"Keep the child, cage the child!"
0:29:47 > 0:29:49It is weird, that bit.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Our washing machine broke down the other week.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I could have done without a washing machine breaking down
0:29:55 > 0:29:57a week before Christmas,
0:29:57 > 0:29:59because I'm like, "Right, I've got to go to Currys now.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01"I'll pop to Currys and I'll buy a new washing machine."
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Because you know when you've got something a bit crap to do,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07you think, "If I say pop, that'll speed it up, won't it?"
0:30:08 > 0:30:12But it doesn't. "Pop", "nip" and "zip" do not bend time.
0:30:12 > 0:30:13Just to let you know that.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16You would be better off clearing a morning.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19I got down to Currys and there's hundreds of washing machines.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Because there are, aren't they? Because we live in the West,
0:30:22 > 0:30:24we live in the First World, where we celebrate choice.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29But choice is only an advantage if you're a decisive person, isn't it?
0:30:29 > 0:30:31I'd prefer it if there was a choice of two -
0:30:31 > 0:30:34a shit one and a slightly better than shit one.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37To create the illusion of value for money,
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I'd be quite happy with that.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41I didn't know... I don't like shopping.
0:30:41 > 0:30:42I don't enjoy it as an activity.
0:30:42 > 0:30:43Some people do, but I don't.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46I get a bit overwhelmed, I can't form opinions.
0:30:46 > 0:30:47Especially if I'm with the pasta Nazis.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49I don't...
0:30:50 > 0:30:52I don't... I don't... I can't decide on anything,
0:30:52 > 0:30:54so I'm looking at all these washing machines
0:30:54 > 0:30:56thinking, "Well, I don't know."
0:30:56 > 0:30:58So, then I went and sat in the car
0:30:58 > 0:31:01and I read reviews of washing machines.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04I don't want a life where I'm reading a review
0:31:04 > 0:31:06of a washing machine.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08I don't mind reading a review of a book or a film,
0:31:08 > 0:31:11but not a washing machine.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Who writes reviews of washing machines?
0:31:14 > 0:31:16I mean, you get asked to write reviews most days.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18You buy a thing and they get your e-mail address
0:31:18 > 0:31:20and then they send you an e-mail, "Will you write a little review?
0:31:20 > 0:31:22"Will you write a little review
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"about that bit of shit you bought last Thursday?
0:31:24 > 0:31:26"How do you feel about that bit of shit you bought last Thursday?
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"What are your feelings about it as a consumer?
0:31:28 > 0:31:30"How would you rate it out of ten? Put the kettle on,
0:31:30 > 0:31:32"have a cup of tea and think about how you feel
0:31:32 > 0:31:34"about that bit of shit you bought last Thursday."
0:31:35 > 0:31:38My plumber asked me to write a review for his website.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40I was like, "Well, what do you want me to say, Dean?
0:31:40 > 0:31:42"Brilliant flange sprockets.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44"I flushed all night."
0:31:46 > 0:31:48So, I bought one, right?
0:31:48 > 0:31:50I bought a washing machine,
0:31:50 > 0:31:52and it lives with us now, it's in our house -
0:31:52 > 0:31:54but I've got more choices to make
0:31:54 > 0:31:56because it's got millions and millions of settings on it.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00It's got a sports wash, a daily wash, an eco-wash, a power wash.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Just clean it!
0:32:03 > 0:32:06It's got an iron-free option.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Why would I not choose that?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Who chooses to iron?
0:32:12 > 0:32:16It's got an economy-intense option.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19That doesn't have any meaning. It has no meaning.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21It's got a hand wash option.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24On an automatic washing machine!
0:32:24 > 0:32:29That might as well say, "Oh, you're a lazy bitch, aren't you?
0:32:29 > 0:32:30"I'll do it. I'll do it.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34"You take the weight off your feet, babe."
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Got a passive aggressive washing machine.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39It's got a silk-wash option.
0:32:39 > 0:32:40I haven't got that many silks.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Nobody has. I've never heard anybody shouting,
0:32:43 > 0:32:44"I'm going to do a silk wash!
0:32:44 > 0:32:48"Have you got any silks that want doing?"
0:32:48 > 0:32:50APPLAUSE
0:32:55 > 0:32:58"Oh, hang on, I'll just go and check my kimono drawer.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02"No, I'm all right for another week. You crack on."
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Stuffing all your silks in.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09"Ugh, I'm going to have to do two loads here, aren't I?"
0:33:10 > 0:33:13You've been absolutely delightful. Have a wonderful Christmas.
0:33:13 > 0:33:14Take care!
0:33:14 > 0:33:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Kerry Godliman, ladies and gentlemen!
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Are you ready for your final act this evening?
0:33:28 > 0:33:29AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Brilliant - he is one of the most exciting acts around.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Please give it up for Spencer Jones!
0:33:36 > 0:33:38MUSIC PLAYS
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Hey, hey!
0:33:47 > 0:33:48Wahey!
0:33:51 > 0:33:53HE SINGS ALONG
0:33:53 > 0:33:54MUSIC STOPS
0:33:54 > 0:33:56- All right? - AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Merry Christmas.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02ELECTRONIC BEAT STARTS
0:34:05 > 0:34:07"I don't know what I'm looking at!"
0:34:12 > 0:34:13Some people...
0:34:15 > 0:34:17..like my brother, he's a fireman.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Yeah.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21That's good, innit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25Other people, yeah, like my cousin, yeah, he...
0:34:25 > 0:34:28he makes T-shirts, yeah?
0:34:28 > 0:34:29All right?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Me...
0:34:34 > 0:34:35..I'm a dickhead.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40dickhead, dickhead...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42SAMPLE LOOPS
0:34:52 > 0:34:53Yah!
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Hoi! Oh!
0:34:56 > 0:34:58How'd he do that?
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Wow!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03You... You stroke him? Stand, stand.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Gentle, gentle, gentle.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07Ooh, He's not sure.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11OK. He don't like it.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13He don't like it.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Do magic. Go, hi-yah.
0:35:15 > 0:35:16Hi-yah.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Ooh!
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Hello!
0:35:31 > 0:35:35Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...
0:35:35 > 0:35:37SAMPLE LOOPS
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Agh, ya... Ohh... Ay, ay, ay.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19That's sore, sore, sore, sore.
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, sore.
0:36:23 > 0:36:28Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, sore.
0:36:28 > 0:36:29SAMPLE LOOPS
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Nothing there. Nothing there.
0:37:10 > 0:37:11How you doing, all right?
0:37:11 > 0:37:12- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Merry Christmas!
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Whoo!
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Ooh, I won a goldfish! Wahey!
0:37:24 > 0:37:25WOLF WHISTLE
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Thank you.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34APPLAUSE
0:37:42 > 0:37:45HE WHISTLES "O Tannenbaum"
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Yeah, yeah?
0:37:54 > 0:37:55APPLAUSE
0:37:59 > 0:38:00Permanent marker.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05"Can we go swimming, Daddy?"
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Not for a couple of weeks, mate.
0:38:08 > 0:38:09Just whistle?
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Oh, no.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13HE HUMS
0:38:14 > 0:38:15HE WHISTLES
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I can vote.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23APPLAUSE
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Well, yeah.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31What's this here, look?
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Whose is it? Can I have a go with that?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Is that all right? See that?
0:38:35 > 0:38:37The old... You know, the old...
0:38:39 > 0:38:41They do, don't they? Yeah.
0:38:43 > 0:38:44"That's going."
0:38:46 > 0:38:48What else is there?
0:38:49 > 0:38:51The old, erm...
0:38:51 > 0:38:53HE WHISTLES
0:39:06 > 0:39:08APPLAUSE
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Nothing to do with... Nothing doing.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21- Oh, do you want to meet my son? - ALL:- Yeah!
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Do want to see my son? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah?
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Son.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31All right, mate? Come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40All right, mate. OK.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Chill out, mate.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45He's at that age, you know?
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Very aggressive. All right, mate.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Chill out. Don't know if he's hungry or tired or whatever.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52He's like - come on, mate. Took him to the doctor's.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54You know, doctor's like, "It's normal."
0:39:54 > 0:39:56It's not normal! Look at him, he's going mad!
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Look at that.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00They think he's angry.
0:40:00 > 0:40:05Because he's got a very long neck.
0:40:07 > 0:40:08He can't scratch his ears.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12Yeah.
0:40:14 > 0:40:15You all right, mate?
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Yeah?
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Did you have a nice time on the helicopter?
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Mate? Son?
0:40:28 > 0:40:29Aah! Where's my body?
0:40:29 > 0:40:31It's something, innit?
0:40:31 > 0:40:33It's something, innit? It's something.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Full-on, though. You know?
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Sometimes, I just go in the downstairs loo
0:40:37 > 0:40:39just to get away from it.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45But it's boring, isn't it?
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Sitting in a downstairs loo if you're not doing a poo.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52What you can do, little tip...
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Everyone's got one of them, haven't they?
0:40:56 > 0:40:57- You know, the old... - HE WHISTLES
0:40:57 > 0:40:58Yeah?
0:40:58 > 0:41:02Get that. What I do is, little tip, put a bit of gaffer...
0:41:02 > 0:41:04put that up like that. Yeah.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06And then...
0:41:06 > 0:41:07"Hello.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12"Where have you been?" Oh, I've been busy, mate.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13What you can do...
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Everyone's got a fox's tail, haven't they?
0:41:19 > 0:41:21You stick that in there...
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Nice lady. "Steve!
0:41:24 > 0:41:26"I'm waiting."
0:41:26 > 0:41:28What you can do is put that up like that.
0:41:28 > 0:41:29Like that.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Trump.
0:41:33 > 0:41:34APPLAUSE
0:41:42 > 0:41:44"I'm going to build a wall."
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Course you are, mate.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49What you can do, yeah, put that there.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Put that there like that. Yeah?
0:41:51 > 0:41:52And then like that.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54But you put him there like that.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56And he's like, "Where to, mate?"
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Plumstead, please, mate.
0:42:01 > 0:42:02"Been working?"
0:42:02 > 0:42:03Yeah, yeah.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07"Oh, yeah? What do you do?"
0:42:07 > 0:42:08What is this?
0:42:12 > 0:42:14I think it's comedy.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16"Oh, comedian." Yeah.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Watch the road!
0:42:18 > 0:42:20"Here's one for you." Yeah?
0:42:21 > 0:42:25"Why don't you get household objects."
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Yeah?
0:42:27 > 0:42:29"Make them talk."
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Oh, yeah!
0:42:31 > 0:42:33Yeah, like a ventriloquist. Yeah.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35"Yeah, like a ventriloquist."
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Like Nina Conti. She's amazing, isn't she?
0:42:37 > 0:42:39When she puts the mouth on the people.
0:42:39 > 0:42:40"Yeah, SHE'S good.
0:42:45 > 0:42:46"She's a good ventriloquist."
0:42:46 > 0:42:47All right, mate, chill out.
0:42:47 > 0:42:48Clean it. "No!"
0:42:51 > 0:42:52APPLAUSE
0:42:57 > 0:42:59I'm 38.
0:43:06 > 0:43:07Quick impression?
0:43:07 > 0:43:08- ALL:- Yes!
0:43:08 > 0:43:12This is a posh lady falling to her death.
0:43:13 > 0:43:17"Oh, my God! Waah!"
0:43:18 > 0:43:20APPLAUSE
0:43:23 > 0:43:24Thank you very, very much.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Have a lovely Christmas, whatever you're doing.
0:43:26 > 0:43:28Thank you very much for having me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Oi-oi! Wahey!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Spencer Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:43:38 > 0:43:40Please, can you give it up for our acts this evening?
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Give it up for Kerry Godliman! AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Seann Walsh! AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:43:45 > 0:43:47And, of course, the brilliant Spencer Jones!
0:43:47 > 0:43:48AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:43:48 > 0:43:51I'll see you next time - merry Christmas, goodnight!