Episode 1

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0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language

0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome your host for tonight -

0:00:22 > 0:00:24Sarah Millican.

0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING

0:00:34 > 0:00:38Good evening, welcome to Live At The Apollo.

0:00:40 > 0:00:42Ah! Are you well?

0:00:42 > 0:00:44CHEERING Excellent, I'm glad. I'm also well.

0:00:44 > 0:00:46I had a migraine in a few weeks ago,

0:00:46 > 0:00:49I don't get them often enough to worry about, but I do get them every

0:00:49 > 0:00:50now and again. And I thought, "I'll go on Twitter

0:00:50 > 0:00:53"and ask people on Twitter how they get rid of their migraines."

0:00:53 > 0:00:55Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.

0:00:55 > 0:00:56CHEERING

0:00:56 > 0:00:58I got the usual sort of expected responses, and then,

0:00:58 > 0:01:02my favourite one came up, and it said, "Two Nurofen and a wank."

0:01:05 > 0:01:07And it totally worked.

0:01:09 > 0:01:12If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.

0:01:12 > 0:01:14Thanks, @bootsthechemist.

0:01:16 > 0:01:19A few of you on Twitter, excellent.

0:01:19 > 0:01:22It's lovely to be here. I've got pets.

0:01:22 > 0:01:24I've got two cats and a dog.

0:01:24 > 0:01:26I'll tell you about those. My cats, they don't always get on.

0:01:26 > 0:01:29Sometimes, they kind of chase each other. It looks a bit aggressive.

0:01:29 > 0:01:31So, what I do, to kind of break that up, to distract them,

0:01:31 > 0:01:34we use a laser pen. You will have seen these. So, the cats have been

0:01:34 > 0:01:37chasing each other around, one or both of them will become transfixed

0:01:37 > 0:01:39by a little red dot that has appeared on the ceiling or the

0:01:39 > 0:01:43walls or the floor. And it's so effective that we've started using

0:01:43 > 0:01:46it in our own relationship.

0:01:46 > 0:01:49So, I'll be saying something like, "All I want you to do when you've

0:01:49 > 0:01:54"finished with your wet towels is put them in the... Ooh! Ooh!"

0:01:54 > 0:01:56But whenever you introduce a new cat into a household

0:01:56 > 0:02:00that already has a cat, there's always a bit of aggro while they work out the hierarchy,

0:02:00 > 0:02:03then it settles down. The day I knew our two were going to be OK with

0:02:03 > 0:02:05each other was the day I walked into our bedroom and they were lying on

0:02:05 > 0:02:07the bed like that...

0:02:07 > 0:02:11They weren't quite spooning, but it was good enough for me.

0:02:11 > 0:02:14I climbed on behind them. Big Mama Spoon's getting on.

0:02:14 > 0:02:18"I'll be the ladle." I don't know what that means.

0:02:18 > 0:02:20For about two minutes it was utter perfection,

0:02:20 > 0:02:23and then Brodie leaned over to Ripley, the little girl cat,

0:02:23 > 0:02:26and just started licking her arsehole.

0:02:26 > 0:02:28I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for that bit.

0:02:28 > 0:02:31She was brilliant though, she was lying with her legs shut like that,

0:02:31 > 0:02:33as soon as he started licking her arsehole she went,

0:02:33 > 0:02:37"Oh, that's lovely." It's not just the cats, we've got a dog as well.

0:02:37 > 0:02:40We got a dog about a year and a half ago. He's a rescue dog,

0:02:40 > 0:02:43and he is genuinely the light of my life.

0:02:43 > 0:02:46He really is. He's absolutely adorable.

0:02:46 > 0:02:48We had some problems with him in the beginning,

0:02:48 > 0:02:52I suppose. Well, he didn't know how to play, which was quite sad.

0:02:52 > 0:02:55He didn't know how to play. So, what we'd do was, we'd try and throw a

0:02:55 > 0:02:58ball at him, he didn't really understand. He'd been in kennels for

0:02:58 > 0:03:00a year, so I suppose it's understandable.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02And all sorts of toys we got, he didn't get any of it.

0:03:02 > 0:03:04And then one day my husband was getting ready for bed,

0:03:04 > 0:03:08and as he pulled off one of his socks the dog jumped up and grabbed it and they had a little game.

0:03:08 > 0:03:10It was so nice to see the dog play. On further investigation,

0:03:10 > 0:03:13we've discovered that the dog doesn't like clean socks.

0:03:13 > 0:03:18He only likes the ones my husband refers to as, "meaty."

0:03:18 > 0:03:20He also doesn't like my socks, which I suppose is a compliment,

0:03:20 > 0:03:22cos I guess it means they're not very meaty.

0:03:22 > 0:03:24But I'm still quite hurt by that.

0:03:24 > 0:03:27But I'm nothing if not competitive, in love.

0:03:27 > 0:03:29And I thought, "What could I throw at him

0:03:29 > 0:03:32"that would be worse than socks?"

0:03:32 > 0:03:35Some of you were quite quick there.

0:03:35 > 0:03:38I did exactly what you think I did.

0:03:38 > 0:03:42I throw my pants at him and he fucking loves it.

0:03:42 > 0:03:46He runs around with them on his head, like he's scored a goal.

0:03:46 > 0:03:49We've never had a dog before, so we thought we should probably get

0:03:49 > 0:03:51some dog books and learn how to look after a dog. The dog books don't

0:03:51 > 0:03:54teach you everything, they just tell you the basics.

0:03:54 > 0:03:56Quite a lot of it you have to learn on your own.

0:03:56 > 0:03:58One of the things that we learned on our own -

0:03:58 > 0:04:00I knew that one of his jobs, one of his chores,

0:04:00 > 0:04:03one of his responsibilities, if you like, was to keep his gentleman's

0:04:03 > 0:04:05area clean. I don't know why I'm doing that,

0:04:05 > 0:04:07like I've got a gentleman's area. That's slightly worrying.

0:04:07 > 0:04:09We knew he'd keep his bits and bobs nice and clean.

0:04:09 > 0:04:12We knew that was one of his jobs.

0:04:12 > 0:04:15But I did not know how regularly he would do that.

0:04:15 > 0:04:17How thoroughly he would do that.

0:04:17 > 0:04:20Or how loudly he would do that.

0:04:20 > 0:04:22Until I got a dog, I had no idea what it sounds like

0:04:22 > 0:04:24when a cock's being sucked over there.

0:04:27 > 0:04:29I've always been an animal lover, always have been.

0:04:29 > 0:04:32One of the differences I noticed when I moved to the countryside,

0:04:32 > 0:04:34having lived in the city centre for so long,

0:04:34 > 0:04:35is that power cuts last a lot longer.

0:04:35 > 0:04:38The first power-cut we had in the countryside lasted 26 hours.

0:04:38 > 0:04:40I've never experienced anything like that before.

0:04:40 > 0:04:42And we realised by 6pm,

0:04:42 > 0:04:44that the power wasn't going to come back on that night,

0:04:44 > 0:04:47so we just prepared for a night without power. Now luckily,

0:04:47 > 0:04:49my husband is quite Bear Grylls.

0:04:49 > 0:04:52CHEERING I know! So, he went foraging for curry.

0:04:56 > 0:04:58But before he left he said to me,

0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Don't waste battery power on the torches."

0:05:00 > 0:05:02I said, "OK." He said, "Just light a few candles."

0:05:02 > 0:05:03Now, I'm not a very girlie girl.

0:05:03 > 0:05:06Candles are never something I would especially buy for myself.

0:05:06 > 0:05:10But luckily, I've got loads of friends who don't know me at all...

0:05:10 > 0:05:13Shit-loads of scented candles.

0:05:13 > 0:05:16So, I lit a few, and by the time my husband came back in I was relaxed,

0:05:16 > 0:05:19horny and excited for Christmas.

0:05:22 > 0:05:24Something else I seem to have acquired

0:05:24 > 0:05:26that I would never buy for myself is sticks in a jar.

0:05:26 > 0:05:28Have you seen this? Sticks in a jar? Sticks in a jar.

0:05:28 > 0:05:30Does anybody know what the real name is?

0:05:30 > 0:05:32Reed diffuser. Somebody shouted over here. Reed diffuser.

0:05:32 > 0:05:34If you don't know what it is,

0:05:34 > 0:05:37it's just a jar that has perfume in it, and the reeds are the sticks,

0:05:37 > 0:05:39carry the perfume up, make the room smell nice.

0:05:39 > 0:05:41I didn't know any of this when this was given to me as a present.

0:05:41 > 0:05:44It reminded me quite a lot of the incense sticks that my friend had

0:05:44 > 0:05:47had when I visited her at university.

0:05:47 > 0:05:49So, I nearly lit the thing!

0:05:50 > 0:05:54I almost accidentally created a Jo Malone Molotov cocktail!

0:05:56 > 0:05:59There's quite a few girlie things I can't really partake in.

0:05:59 > 0:06:01Another example, I can't have anything in the bath

0:06:01 > 0:06:04that isn't me or the water. Can't have bath bombs, bath oil,

0:06:04 > 0:06:07bubble bath, bath salts. None of those things.

0:06:07 > 0:06:10If I have any of those things it makes down there raw.

0:06:12 > 0:06:14I mean, both spellings, like R-A-W,

0:06:14 > 0:06:16red, angry, shiny. You know, like you've peeled it. Like that.

0:06:16 > 0:06:19AUDIENCE GASP AND GROAN

0:06:20 > 0:06:24You all just pictured for a second there, didn't you?

0:06:24 > 0:06:27And the other spelling, R-O-A-R. Argh!

0:06:27 > 0:06:29Argh!

0:06:29 > 0:06:34I'm pretty sure that's what the Katy Perry song is about.

0:06:34 > 0:06:36SHE SINGS ROAR BY KATY PERRY

0:06:40 > 0:06:42It's like that old pub joke, you know,

0:06:42 > 0:06:45that old pub joke. Two monkeys in the bath, one of them goes,

0:06:45 > 0:06:47"Ooh, ooh, ooh." And the other one goes, "Oh, sorry,

0:06:47 > 0:06:49"I forgot you had a very sensitive vagina."

0:06:49 > 0:06:51Yeah? You know that joke?

0:06:51 > 0:06:53See, that sentence there, "I've got a really sensitive vagina."

0:06:53 > 0:06:56I meant that in a practical way. But you can also say that at,

0:06:56 > 0:06:57sort of, sexy time as well, couldn't you?

0:06:57 > 0:07:01You've got to be careful. There are some sentences that have that dual meaning.

0:07:01 > 0:07:03You've got to be careful. Here's another one.

0:07:03 > 0:07:06They trip you up, here's another one. I'm not wearing any knickers.

0:07:06 > 0:07:10Cos I've got a touch of thrush and I'm trying to get a bit of air round.

0:07:16 > 0:07:18That's better.

0:07:21 > 0:07:23I've got a friend who was in her late 60s, she said,

0:07:23 > 0:07:26"I used to be like you with your bath bombs and whatnot."

0:07:26 > 0:07:28I said, "Used to be? What's changed?" She said, "Oh, well,

0:07:28 > 0:07:30"when you get to my age, you can have whatever you like

0:07:30 > 0:07:33"in the bath, because it's all dead down there."

0:07:33 > 0:07:36That is a small upside to a big downside, isn't it?

0:07:36 > 0:07:38"I have no feeling whatsoever in my vagina,

0:07:38 > 0:07:40"but finally I get to go to Lush!"

0:07:42 > 0:07:44A long time ago I was reading a book,

0:07:44 > 0:07:46you know those books that are ostensibly a romance,

0:07:46 > 0:07:48but have got a couple of pages of filth in the middle?

0:07:48 > 0:07:51They're smashing. I was reading one of those books,

0:07:51 > 0:07:53and on one of the pages of filth,

0:07:53 > 0:07:55the lady of the book poured some champagne...

0:07:55 > 0:07:57on herself.

0:07:58 > 0:08:01And the man in the book drank the champagne...

0:08:01 > 0:08:03off her.

0:08:03 > 0:08:05And me and my boyfriend at the time, this is 20 years ago,

0:08:05 > 0:08:07we decided we were going to have a go at this.

0:08:07 > 0:08:11We couldn't afford champagne, so we bought some Lambrusco.

0:08:12 > 0:08:16I'd forgotten that the lady in the book was lying flat.

0:08:16 > 0:08:19I was sitting upright, just poured it on and it ran straight in.

0:08:19 > 0:08:21Smarted like a bastard!

0:08:22 > 0:08:25I told that story to a friend of mine recently, and she said,

0:08:25 > 0:08:27"Is that why you don't drink?"

0:08:28 > 0:08:32No. Not once when someone has asked me why don't I drink

0:08:32 > 0:08:36have I answered, "Because it hurts my fanny."

0:08:36 > 0:08:39You're doing it wrong then.

0:08:39 > 0:08:42You don't have to take the cork out like that.

0:08:43 > 0:08:47It was a screw cap. Imagine these skills I'd need for a screw cap.

0:08:50 > 0:08:52About a year ago, I had a sore throat for a bit too long.

0:08:52 > 0:08:55I went to see my doctor. My doctor said, "I'm going to send you to see

0:08:55 > 0:08:58"a specialist. An ear, nose and throat specialist." I said, "OK."

0:08:58 > 0:09:00So, off I go to see this fellow, lovely fellow he was.

0:09:00 > 0:09:03He said to me, "Do you suffer from acid reflux?" And I said, "No."

0:09:03 > 0:09:05And then when I got home, I realised I should have said yes,

0:09:05 > 0:09:07cos my husband and I eat so many Rennies

0:09:07 > 0:09:10that we call them bathroom sweets.

0:09:10 > 0:09:12He said, "I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal."

0:09:12 > 0:09:15I said, "After every meal or after every time I've eaten?"

0:09:15 > 0:09:17"Cos those two are very different numbers."

0:09:17 > 0:09:20He said, "What I'd like to do is put a camera down your throat, so we can

0:09:20 > 0:09:22"have a proper look at what we're dealing with." I said, "OK."

0:09:22 > 0:09:24I thought, "This is the bit where he sends me away

0:09:24 > 0:09:27"and I come back in six months with a new appointment,

0:09:27 > 0:09:30and he went, "No, no, we can do that now." "Oh, shit!"

0:09:30 > 0:09:32He got out this contraption, metal like this, metal like this.

0:09:32 > 0:09:34The main thing you need to know is that it's very rigid.

0:09:34 > 0:09:37None of it moves, so I had to move, because it wouldn't move.

0:09:37 > 0:09:41And he put it down my throat and I instantly gagged.

0:09:41 > 0:09:42SHE IMITATES GAGGING

0:09:42 > 0:09:45And he pulled it out, and he said, "Are you going to be OK with this?"

0:09:45 > 0:09:48And I went, "Yes!" And he put it back in.

0:09:48 > 0:09:50SHE IMITATES GAGGING I was mortified.

0:09:50 > 0:09:53He said, "Do me a favour, the next time you think you're going to gag,

0:09:53 > 0:09:54"do this..."

0:09:54 > 0:09:57E-e-e-h!

0:09:57 > 0:09:59I said, "Why?" And he said, "It stops you gagging."

0:09:59 > 0:10:01And I thought, "Noted."

0:10:11 > 0:10:15My husband's going to think he's being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.

0:10:15 > 0:10:17E-e-e-h!

0:10:19 > 0:10:21And who knows, some day, he might be.

0:10:21 > 0:10:25No, I meant that we're pensioners. I don't mean, like, for a present.

0:10:25 > 0:10:28Come on in, Doris, he's ready for his gift now.

0:10:28 > 0:10:31# Happy birthday to e-e-e-h! #

0:10:33 > 0:10:35Oh, yeah, turned 41 this year. I like being in my 40s.

0:10:35 > 0:10:37Give us a cheer if you're 40 and above.

0:10:37 > 0:10:39CHEERING

0:10:39 > 0:10:42I like it. I don't give a shit about unimportant things any more.

0:10:42 > 0:10:43I think that's what it boils down to.

0:10:43 > 0:10:46Quite a few things changed when I turned 40 last year.

0:10:46 > 0:10:47One of the things that changed is

0:10:47 > 0:10:50that I've stopped sniffing my leggings.

0:10:56 > 0:10:59I used to sniff them to see if I could get another day out of them.

0:11:01 > 0:11:03Whereas now, I just assume that I can.

0:11:07 > 0:11:09And I read, on a proper form,

0:11:09 > 0:11:11a probable official document recently,

0:11:11 > 0:11:14the term, "women's problems." And I thought, in 2016, really?

0:11:14 > 0:11:15It says, "women's problems"?

0:11:15 > 0:11:17And I thought, "why doesn't it just say periods?"

0:11:17 > 0:11:19Menstruation? There's nothing wrong with those words.

0:11:19 > 0:11:22Just like there's nothing wrong with the actual thing,

0:11:22 > 0:11:25it's perfectly normal. It's natural. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's part of life. It seems peculiar to me. So what I've decided to do,

0:11:27 > 0:11:30and you can come with me if you like, I've decided to bypass the

0:11:30 > 0:11:32word, "periods," if people find it so offensive,

0:11:32 > 0:11:34and I'm going to say this instead.

0:11:34 > 0:11:36So, if somebody says to me, "Are you all right?"

0:11:36 > 0:11:37I'm going to go, "Oh, I'm clotting."

0:11:44 > 0:11:47See, the word period isn't so bad now, is it? No.

0:11:51 > 0:11:53But a lot of the euphemisms for periods are really horrible.

0:11:53 > 0:11:56It's such a bad reflection of how normal it is.

0:11:56 > 0:11:57So, if clotting horrifies you, I get it.

0:11:57 > 0:12:00So, I made up another one. This is a bit lighter, a bit more playful.

0:12:00 > 0:12:02Perhaps this will appeal to you more. This is it.

0:12:02 > 0:12:05It's WI week, because I'm making jam.

0:12:05 > 0:12:07Do you get it? Do you get it?

0:12:07 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:12:09 > 0:12:13Some of you are more horrified by that than you were by clotting!

0:12:13 > 0:12:16And I think I have ruined afternoon teas for everyone.

0:12:16 > 0:12:19Sorry about that.

0:12:19 > 0:12:23I read a really good statistic that said that 67% of

0:12:23 > 0:12:28women, so two thirds of women, don't bath or shower every day.

0:12:28 > 0:12:30And my first reaction, because I bath or shower every day,

0:12:30 > 0:12:32my first reaction was, "That's disgusting."

0:12:32 > 0:12:35My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends.

0:12:37 > 0:12:39My third reaction was, "Well, if they're not doing it,

0:12:39 > 0:12:41"I'm not going to do it."

0:12:41 > 0:12:44I do mostly bath or shower every day, but every now and again,

0:12:44 > 0:12:47if I'm running late, or I've got an early appointment, or I slept in,

0:12:47 > 0:12:49anything like that, I do, instead,

0:12:49 > 0:12:51what my mam would refer to as a flannel job.

0:12:51 > 0:12:54Now, this is a good tip for the women in the room who do have pubic

0:12:54 > 0:12:56hair - the next time you do a flannel job,

0:12:56 > 0:12:59if you do it in a circular motion you can Afro it right up.

0:12:59 > 0:13:01It's really fun.

0:13:01 > 0:13:03You can get a proper bouffant going, if you like.

0:13:03 > 0:13:06That's not a joke. That's just a tip for you to take home and try.

0:13:06 > 0:13:09In a room of this size, there'll be at least 40 or 50 women

0:13:09 > 0:13:11tomorrow morning who'll be like, "I'm going to give it a go.

0:13:11 > 0:13:13"I'm going to give it a go."

0:13:13 > 0:13:15Massive pants.

0:13:17 > 0:13:20I went for a massage.

0:13:20 > 0:13:22Give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage.

0:13:22 > 0:13:23CHEERING

0:13:23 > 0:13:25I don't like it. I like the bit at the end,

0:13:25 > 0:13:27where I feel all floppy and relaxed, that bit.

0:13:27 > 0:13:29When I'm like, "I might never wear a bra again."

0:13:31 > 0:13:33I don't like the actual activity itself.

0:13:33 > 0:13:36I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger in my pants.

0:13:36 > 0:13:38So, what happens is, I book the massage,

0:13:38 > 0:13:41I get so stressed and tense on the build-up to the massage,

0:13:41 > 0:13:44that the best she can do at the massage is get me back down to the

0:13:44 > 0:13:47level of stress I was that before I booked the massage.

0:13:48 > 0:13:51The one thing they do in those appointments that I don't like is

0:13:51 > 0:13:54when they teach you how to breathe. They do that, don't they?

0:13:54 > 0:13:57Like, I'm 41. The breathing's been going pretty well, thanks.

0:13:57 > 0:14:00But they do that, don't they? They go, "And breathe in..."

0:14:00 > 0:14:03SHE INHALES DEEPLY

0:14:03 > 0:14:05SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

0:14:13 > 0:14:15"And breathe out." I could have died. I could have died!

0:14:15 > 0:14:17If I'd waited for her.

0:14:19 > 0:14:22The last massage I had she said, "This is an aromatherapy massage."

0:14:22 > 0:14:24I said, "That's correct." She said, "I've got three different oils,

0:14:24 > 0:14:27"I want you to smell each one, pick the one you like the best,

0:14:27 > 0:14:28"and will use that one. I said, "Champion."

0:14:28 > 0:14:30She unscrewed the lid off the first one,

0:14:30 > 0:14:32she wafted it in front of my nose, I said, "Is that Eucalyptus?

0:14:32 > 0:14:35"Eucalyptus, is it? Like a menthol, like a menthol?"

0:14:35 > 0:14:38"Is it menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol? It's like mint? Is it mint?

0:14:38 > 0:14:42"Is it mint? Is it mint?" She said, "You don't have to guess what it is."

0:14:42 > 0:14:45The second one, she wafted in front of my nose, I said, "Is that lemon?

0:14:45 > 0:14:48"Is it lemon? Lemon? Is it lemon? Is it like a citrus?"

0:14:48 > 0:14:50Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a general sort of

0:14:50 > 0:14:53"citrus? Is it grapefruit? Is a grapefruit?"

0:14:53 > 0:14:54She said, "It's not a quiz."

0:14:54 > 0:14:57The third one, she wafted it in front of my nose, and I did like it,

0:14:57 > 0:14:59but I didn't know what it was, and I said, I'll have that one."

0:14:59 > 0:15:02She said, "Good." She read the label on the bottle.

0:15:02 > 0:15:03She said, "That's happy."

0:15:03 > 0:15:07I thought, "I was never going to win the quiz, was I?"

0:15:07 > 0:15:10My worst bit of a massage is the bit in a full body massage where they

0:15:10 > 0:15:14make you turn over on the table, because the tables are very narrow.

0:15:14 > 0:15:15And I am not.

0:15:15 > 0:15:18They do at least hold the towel up, don't they?

0:15:18 > 0:15:20So, you can flubber, flubber over in private.

0:15:20 > 0:15:23Or so I thought. The last one she held the tower up, I flubber,

0:15:23 > 0:15:26flubber, flubbered over. I was almost in position,

0:15:26 > 0:15:33when our eyes locked in the mirrored wall at the end of the room.

0:15:33 > 0:15:35My friend said to me, "That's not my worst bit of a massage."

0:15:35 > 0:15:38I said, "What's your worst bit?" She said, "I don't like the bit where

0:15:38 > 0:15:39"they pull your knickers down a little bit."

0:15:39 > 0:15:44I said, "Well, they'd have to do that with me, otherwise they wouldn't get half my back."

0:15:47 > 0:15:49But I went for a massage with a friend of mine.

0:15:49 > 0:15:52We were in the waiting area and the woman came out and she said,

0:15:52 > 0:15:55"Ladies, ladies, ladies, just to let you know that on staff today

0:15:55 > 0:15:58"we have a male massage therapist, and I was wondering if either of you

0:15:58 > 0:16:01"would mind..." And my friend went, "I'll have him."

0:16:01 > 0:16:03And I said to her afterwards, I said, "Look, you're single,

0:16:03 > 0:16:05"you can always have the bloke if you want,

0:16:05 > 0:16:07"but just let her finish her question first,

0:16:07 > 0:16:10"maybe leave it a second, and then say, 'I suppose I don't mind,'

0:16:10 > 0:16:13"rather than, 'I'll have him.' "

0:16:13 > 0:16:17She came out of this massage with this huge beaming smile on her face.

0:16:17 > 0:16:20I said, "Was it a good massage?" She said, "Oh, yeah."

0:16:20 > 0:16:24I said, "That's good." She said, "I felt his erection."

0:16:24 > 0:16:26Now we take turns to pay, and I thought,

0:16:26 > 0:16:29"I'm not paying if she's had extras."

0:16:29 > 0:16:33I said, "You felt his erection?" She said, "Yes, on my elbow."

0:16:33 > 0:16:36Now, I don't know what your elbows are like,

0:16:36 > 0:16:37but mine is like rhino skin.

0:16:37 > 0:16:40I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.

0:16:40 > 0:16:43That would be an excellent game show, wouldn't it?

0:16:43 > 0:16:44"Cock or not, cock or not?"

0:16:49 > 0:16:52One thing I don't like, and this might come across overly mean,

0:16:52 > 0:16:54I hope it doesn't, but it might come across that way.

0:16:54 > 0:16:56I don't like a skinny massage therapist.

0:16:56 > 0:16:58The one I use at the moment is about my size, maybe a little bit bigger.

0:16:58 > 0:17:01I don't like the skinny ones. They've never said anything to me,

0:17:01 > 0:17:04but in my mind, when they're massaging me, they are doing this...

0:17:04 > 0:17:06"Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!

0:17:06 > 0:17:09"Urgh! Urgh!

0:17:09 > 0:17:12"Going to need more time, it's a bigger surface area!"

0:17:15 > 0:17:18And the whole time I'm being massaged, there's an inner monologue

0:17:18 > 0:17:20going on up here. Outside, I'm the picture of composure, but in here,

0:17:20 > 0:17:22it's going crazy, and it depends where she starts.

0:17:22 > 0:17:26So, if she starts at the bottom, I'll be like, "Oh, tickly feet, tickly feet.

0:17:26 > 0:17:28"Oh, she's gone up to the bit where I've got broken veins,

0:17:28 > 0:17:30"I don't like that bit. Oh, too close to my fanny!

0:17:30 > 0:17:33"too close to my fanny! Too close to my fanny!"

0:17:33 > 0:17:35So, I'm lying there,

0:17:35 > 0:17:37covered in happy...

0:17:39 > 0:17:42A very different version of Snow White than we're used to, yes?

0:17:48 > 0:17:49..and the massage ends.

0:17:49 > 0:17:52And she did what they always do, she put on like a chocolaty voice...

0:17:52 > 0:17:55They always do this, don't they? And she said, "Just relax,

0:17:55 > 0:17:58"there's plenty of time. There's no need for you to rush.

0:17:58 > 0:18:01"Please, just stay relaxed. There's so much time,

0:18:01 > 0:18:04"I just want you to stay relaxed. There's no need for...

0:18:04 > 0:18:06"Please, just stay relaxed."

0:18:06 > 0:18:07What she didn't know is that I'd

0:18:07 > 0:18:09been dying for a fart for 40 minutes!

0:18:11 > 0:18:14The door had barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest,

0:18:14 > 0:18:18most tromboniest fart you've ever heard in your life.

0:18:18 > 0:18:20Remember, I was covered in oil.

0:18:23 > 0:18:26It was like the Salvation Army band had popped in.

0:18:26 > 0:18:30And I'm right in the middle of potentially the best fart of my life

0:18:30 > 0:18:34when she came back in with a glass of water.

0:18:34 > 0:18:36And I half expected her to go, "Is that curry?

0:18:36 > 0:18:40"Is it curry? Is it curry? Is that curry? Is it curry?"

0:18:45 > 0:18:47And, if she had, I'd have gone,

0:18:47 > 0:18:49"No, love, that's happy."

0:18:50 > 0:18:52Are you ready for your first act?

0:18:52 > 0:18:55CHEERING

0:18:55 > 0:18:57Your first act is a good friend of mine.

0:18:57 > 0:18:59He's been on tour with me for the last year

0:18:59 > 0:19:02and he's one of my favourite comics and one of my favourite men.

0:19:02 > 0:19:05Please, give it up for the wonderful Mr Tom Allen!

0:19:05 > 0:19:07CHEERING

0:19:21 > 0:19:24Hello, everyone. Hello, are you well?

0:19:24 > 0:19:26CHEERING

0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh, good. Well, it's so wonderful to be here in,

0:19:28 > 0:19:30erm, erm, you know.

0:19:33 > 0:19:35And so, I'm gay.

0:19:36 > 0:19:41I don't know if I needed to explain that. And if you've seen me before,

0:19:41 > 0:19:45I'm still gay.

0:19:45 > 0:19:48If anything, it's getting worse.

0:19:48 > 0:19:50And I'm completely gay as well, like,

0:19:50 > 0:19:52I've never tried it any other way.

0:19:52 > 0:19:54I've never tried it with a woman.

0:19:54 > 0:19:55I'm a thoroughbred.

0:19:57 > 0:20:01And, I mean, really, I wouldn't know a vagina if it hit me in the face.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03I mean, can they do that, have they got hands?

0:20:03 > 0:20:04I've never seen one.

0:20:04 > 0:20:07Though I have been twatted.

0:20:10 > 0:20:14And, I realise, I come up here and I talk and sound all posh, don't I?

0:20:14 > 0:20:17Probably quite intimidatingly so to you, but...

0:20:20 > 0:20:21I'm not actually from a very posh family at all.

0:20:21 > 0:20:23I'm from a very ordinary, ordinary family

0:20:23 > 0:20:27and I went to a very ordinary, very ordinary comprehensive school, very ordinary.

0:20:27 > 0:20:28I know, isn't it moving?

0:20:30 > 0:20:33And I do think at school, like, they try and prepare you for life,

0:20:33 > 0:20:35don't they? I don't know how well they do it.

0:20:35 > 0:20:36Like, I remember at primary school,

0:20:36 > 0:20:38they used to try and prepare us for life

0:20:38 > 0:20:40by giving us assemblies every day. We'd have assembly every day,

0:20:40 > 0:20:43when we'd all be sat on the floor in the hall in rows,

0:20:43 > 0:20:46and then the teachers would be sat on the end of the rows, on chairs,

0:20:46 > 0:20:49because they were stronger.

0:20:50 > 0:20:52And then our headteacher, called Mr Babbage, would come in,

0:20:52 > 0:20:55and he'd come in, he'd walk to the front, and he'd say,

0:20:55 > 0:20:56"Good morning, everybody."

0:20:56 > 0:20:58And then the whole school would go,

0:20:58 > 0:21:03"Good morning, Mr Babbage!"

0:21:03 > 0:21:06Because they were all drunk.

0:21:11 > 0:21:14And then he'd read us a story, and it would all ways be a story about,

0:21:14 > 0:21:17like, how to make a soup, out of stones?

0:21:18 > 0:21:20And I think Jesus was there somewhere.

0:21:22 > 0:21:24And is always a moral, and the moral was always something like,

0:21:24 > 0:21:26"Be...

0:21:26 > 0:21:27"poor."

0:21:31 > 0:21:35And then after that, he'd sometimes read us a letter from Rapa Mundi.

0:21:35 > 0:21:37And was this girl, right,

0:21:37 > 0:21:40we were always raising money for in India.

0:21:43 > 0:21:46And she would write us these letters about how dreadful her life was.

0:21:46 > 0:21:50And she did have an awful, awful, dreadful, dreadful, awful, awful,

0:21:50 > 0:21:56awful, dreadful, dreadful, awful, dreadful, dreadful life,

0:21:56 > 0:21:58but then she always found time to write.

0:22:04 > 0:22:06And then, after that,

0:22:06 > 0:22:08we'd always have a collection of postage stamps for guide dogs.

0:22:08 > 0:22:13I don't know who these guide dogs were writing to.

0:22:13 > 0:22:15And then eventually, when you've done enough of that, eventually,

0:22:15 > 0:22:18then you'd get to go of course to secondary school, don't you?

0:22:18 > 0:22:22Secondary school, and that's where you get to learn really interesting things at secondary school,

0:22:22 > 0:22:24isn't it? Like, you get to learn about novels in English,

0:22:24 > 0:22:27and you get to learn about fingering...

0:22:30 > 0:22:33..and you get to learn about, like, proper grown-up maths, don't you?

0:22:33 > 0:22:35Or math, as they say in America, don't they?

0:22:35 > 0:22:37Math. Math. Math. But we do it more than once.

0:22:42 > 0:22:45And I remember learning things like Pythagoras' theorem.

0:22:45 > 0:22:47Do you remember that, Pythagoras' theorem? Do you remember that?

0:22:47 > 0:22:50Do you number that? Sohcahtoa? Do you remember that?

0:22:50 > 0:22:54Sohcahtoa? Sohcahtoa? It's a thing, I'm not just having a stroke.

0:22:54 > 0:22:57Sohcahtoa. Sohcahtoa means sine equals opposite over hypotenuse,

0:22:57 > 0:23:00cosine equals adjacent over hypotenuse.

0:23:00 > 0:23:04I mean, now, as an adult, looking back, it would have been nice,

0:23:04 > 0:23:07wouldn't it, if they'd spent maybe half an hour, or even just like,

0:23:07 > 0:23:09even just like ten minutes, really, just, just ten minutes,

0:23:09 > 0:23:15just ten minutes, going, "This is a pension scheme."

0:23:15 > 0:23:18This is a tax return and this is how you're going to have a

0:23:18 > 0:23:22broken heart and this is how you tell an estate agent to fuck off.

0:23:30 > 0:23:34But they don't, they don't, they don't.

0:23:34 > 0:23:37Tangent equals opposite over adjacent, which is good to know,

0:23:37 > 0:23:40because sometimes you do find yourself in a triangle.

0:23:51 > 0:23:54But I did have a very happy childhood.

0:23:54 > 0:23:57And I remember one of the most exciting things that happened to me

0:23:57 > 0:24:00when I was about eight-years-old.

0:24:00 > 0:24:02I'm 33 now. I know.

0:24:02 > 0:24:04Nivea.

0:24:06 > 0:24:07But when I was about eight years old,

0:24:07 > 0:24:11in the sort of early to mid-'90s, the mid-John Major years,

0:24:11 > 0:24:14as we call them, and the most exciting thing that can happen to

0:24:14 > 0:24:17probably anybody during that time, and Lord knows there weren't many

0:24:17 > 0:24:21exciting things then, unless you were Edwina Currie.

0:24:21 > 0:24:24But the most exciting thing that could happen to you during that time

0:24:24 > 0:24:29was that your local authority would open up a leisure centre.

0:24:30 > 0:24:33These leisure centres were not ordinary sports centres, no, no.

0:24:33 > 0:24:37What they had inside them were subtropical paradises.

0:24:39 > 0:24:42And these subtropical paradises were basically swimming pools.

0:24:42 > 0:24:46Swimming pools that were designed to look like the sea,

0:24:46 > 0:24:51if the sea had been tiled?

0:24:56 > 0:24:59And the other thing they also had were flumes.

0:24:59 > 0:25:04And flumes were water slides, which went outside of the building,

0:25:04 > 0:25:10because nothing is more exciting than being on a water slide

0:25:10 > 0:25:13over the car park!

0:25:19 > 0:25:22And they were wonderful places to go to and we knew they

0:25:22 > 0:25:26subtropical paradises, because they'd have one palm tree made of plastic.

0:25:27 > 0:25:28And it would have huge windows,

0:25:28 > 0:25:30which overlooked the dual carriageway.

0:25:30 > 0:25:33And you felt very, very exclusive to be in there,

0:25:33 > 0:25:36because you were in a place that was boiling hot,

0:25:36 > 0:25:40that smelt of bacon and bleach and people were doing things there'd

0:25:40 > 0:25:43never done before, like they were going into Jacuzzis.

0:25:43 > 0:25:47What is a Jacuzzi? It's basically just a bath with strangers.

0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's supposed to be so relaxing, isn't it, with those jets of water?

0:25:50 > 0:25:53But to me, it felt like someone standing behind me going...

0:25:55 > 0:25:58..and not in a good way!

0:25:58 > 0:26:01It's the wrong height.

0:26:01 > 0:26:04And then, often, they would have a cafe in there, which was wonderful,

0:26:04 > 0:26:08because it meant you got to paddle through chlorinated water

0:26:08 > 0:26:10and then slip on a chip.

0:26:14 > 0:26:16But the best thing, the best thing,

0:26:16 > 0:26:19that could happen to you while you were in the subtropical paradise

0:26:19 > 0:26:23would be that they would start up the wave machine.

0:26:23 > 0:26:25CHEERING

0:26:27 > 0:26:30And the wave machine would be heralded with a siren

0:26:30 > 0:26:32and the siren sounded a bit like this.

0:26:32 > 0:26:34Argh!

0:26:35 > 0:26:38And when you heard that siren, it didn't matter where you were,

0:26:38 > 0:26:39everyone would come flocking to the water.

0:26:39 > 0:26:42They'd come wading into the water. Wading into the water.

0:26:42 > 0:26:45Wading into the water, like they'd come to hear the good news!

0:26:45 > 0:26:47They'd come to be baptised!

0:26:49 > 0:26:50Everybody would come into the water.

0:26:50 > 0:26:53You'd see everybody you knew. You'd see people you knew.

0:26:53 > 0:26:56Like, you'd see your mum's friend, Joyce. She'd be there,

0:26:56 > 0:27:00in her bikini. Basically just in her underwear.

0:27:00 > 0:27:02"Didn't think I'd see you like that Joyce!"

0:27:02 > 0:27:04Everybody would come wading in. Wading in up to your ankles.

0:27:04 > 0:27:08Up to your knees. Up to your hips, wherever you felt most comfortable

0:27:08 > 0:27:11and when the wave machine really got going, when it really got going,

0:27:11 > 0:27:13the best thing that it would make you do,

0:27:13 > 0:27:15is it would make you go like this...

0:27:24 > 0:27:26Ah!

0:27:26 > 0:27:29It was a wonderful time to be alive!

0:27:32 > 0:27:35But then the wave machine would stop very abruptly and you'd know it had stopped,

0:27:35 > 0:27:37because suddenly, two old women would get in and start to do a very

0:27:37 > 0:27:40stately breaststroke across the back of the swimming pool,

0:27:40 > 0:27:43which allowed them to continue their conversation,

0:27:43 > 0:27:45but which also kept their perms immaculately dry.

0:27:45 > 0:27:47And when you saw them you'd think,

0:27:47 > 0:27:49"Oh, it's all over. I want to try something else now.

0:27:49 > 0:27:50"I want to try something else."

0:27:50 > 0:27:54And that's probably when you decide to go on the flumes.

0:27:54 > 0:27:57To get on the flumes, you'd have to queue on the stairs at the side.

0:27:57 > 0:27:59You'd have to stand on a staircase, in your trunks,

0:27:59 > 0:28:02basically in your underwear, on a staircase getting cold.

0:28:02 > 0:28:04It's a very unusual feeling I think, standing on a staircase in your

0:28:04 > 0:28:10underwear, getting cold - unless maybe you have a lot of affairs.

0:28:10 > 0:28:13And you'd have to stand on the staircase. You'd have to queue for ages.

0:28:13 > 0:28:16There'd probably be two flumes, but one would be closed,

0:28:16 > 0:28:19because last week somebody died.

0:28:19 > 0:28:22And you'd have to queue and the flumes would be managed by

0:28:22 > 0:28:26a 16-year-old, who had a whistle and no qualifications at all!

0:28:27 > 0:28:30And he was using some sort of green and red lighting system,

0:28:30 > 0:28:32which we couldn't possibly understand!

0:28:35 > 0:28:37Couldn't understand it! Eventually, when it was your turn,

0:28:37 > 0:28:40you'd have to wait and wait and when it was your special moment

0:28:40 > 0:28:42on the flumes, you'd have to get in position at the top.

0:28:42 > 0:28:44At the top you'd have to hold on to the handles at the

0:28:44 > 0:28:48side, otherwise you'd be sucked off into oblivion.

0:28:48 > 0:28:51And when it was your turn, your special moment on the flumes,

0:28:51 > 0:28:54the 16-year-old, he would turn to you and he would say,

0:28:54 > 0:28:56"You can go now if you want!"

0:28:59 > 0:29:02And you'd launch yourself off and where the flumes had been

0:29:02 > 0:29:06manufactured rather cheaply during the mid-John Major years,

0:29:06 > 0:29:09they were made of panels of fibre glass,

0:29:09 > 0:29:13which had been bolted together and where those panels joined,

0:29:13 > 0:29:18as you went over them, would cut into your back like knives!

0:29:19 > 0:29:20But because you'd been queueing for so long,

0:29:20 > 0:29:23you were desperate to have a good time. So, you'd be on the flumes

0:29:23 > 0:29:28going, "Ow, ow, ow. It's gone light, must be over the car park.

0:29:28 > 0:29:30"Ow, ow, ow."

0:29:30 > 0:29:32And there'd probably be a trickle of water going through,

0:29:32 > 0:29:36that was designed to lubricate your passage.

0:29:36 > 0:29:38And because the cheap and shoddy manufacture,

0:29:38 > 0:29:42sometimes that trickle of water would just have trickled away

0:29:42 > 0:29:45and you would find yourself in a dry bit.

0:29:45 > 0:29:48And because you were eight-years-old and you had no momentum at all,

0:29:48 > 0:29:50you'd just stop!

0:29:51 > 0:29:53You'd just stop! There'd be no way of getting out of it.

0:29:53 > 0:29:55You'd try and scoot your way forward.

0:29:55 > 0:29:57There was nothing you could do.

0:29:57 > 0:29:59You'd think, "Oh, my God, am I dead? Am I dead?"

0:29:59 > 0:30:01"Is this what it is to be dead? Is that what the light is?

0:30:01 > 0:30:04"Oh, no, it's just the car park. How am I going to get out of this?

0:30:04 > 0:30:06"Thank God for the 16-year-old upstairs.

0:30:06 > 0:30:09"He knows I'm here. He'll send for me.

0:30:09 > 0:30:11"He'll send for me. It's all going to be fine.

0:30:11 > 0:30:15"He'll send for me," and at that moment you'd look over your head

0:30:15 > 0:30:20and that's when you'd see the shadow of somebody else on the flumes.

0:30:20 > 0:30:22You think, "Oh, God, it's all on a timer.

0:30:22 > 0:30:25"He just doesn't care at all! He doesn't care."

0:30:25 > 0:30:26You try and scoot yourself along.

0:30:26 > 0:30:29You'd peer over your shoulder. You'd see the toes of somebody else coming

0:30:29 > 0:30:31around the corner. The legs of somebody else.

0:30:31 > 0:30:34The whole body of somebody else coming around the corner

0:30:34 > 0:30:37and that's when you'd realise that it was your mum's friend Joyce...

0:30:39 > 0:30:41..legs akimbo! She'd smashed into the back of you,

0:30:41 > 0:30:44suddenly you'd both be hurtling along together,

0:30:44 > 0:30:46like you were in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.

0:30:46 > 0:30:49You're nestled in the bosom of her thighs, going so fast,

0:30:49 > 0:30:51from side, to side, to side, to side...

0:30:51 > 0:30:55Both of you screaming for different reasons.

0:30:55 > 0:30:57So fast, from side, to side, to side to side...

0:30:57 > 0:30:59You've never been so fast in your whole life. Would it ever stop?

0:30:59 > 0:31:02Eventually, you'd be thrown out the other end of the flumes.

0:31:02 > 0:31:05You'd fly across the sky, past the palm tree, across the window,

0:31:05 > 0:31:07and then you'd land in the landing pool.

0:31:07 > 0:31:09And then you'd look at each other in a way that said,

0:31:09 > 0:31:12"I never thought we would touch like that!"

0:31:14 > 0:31:18But which also said, "We will never speak of this again!"

0:31:18 > 0:31:21And that's when I first realised that I was gay.

0:31:24 > 0:31:27Thank you very much, Apollo. My name's Tom Allen.

0:31:27 > 0:31:28Goodnight, goodnight!

0:31:28 > 0:31:31CHEERING

0:31:36 > 0:31:38Give it up for Tom Allen!

0:31:38 > 0:31:40CHEERING

0:31:40 > 0:31:42Are you ready for your next act?

0:31:42 > 0:31:44CHEERING

0:31:44 > 0:31:48Your next act tours the world, has come all the way from America.

0:31:48 > 0:31:51He's absolutely brilliant. Please, give it up for Arj Barker!

0:32:03 > 0:32:05All right, all right.

0:32:05 > 0:32:07Good evening. I'm really excited to be here tonight.

0:32:07 > 0:32:10I'm just very happy to be back here in the UK

0:32:10 > 0:32:14and I want to start by thanking the BBC for letting me be on the show.

0:32:14 > 0:32:16It's really awesome that they did.

0:32:16 > 0:32:20It doesn't pay that well, but it's really cool to be here.

0:32:21 > 0:32:23And, they've been so generous.

0:32:23 > 0:32:26They put me up in a hotel right next to a casino in the city.

0:32:26 > 0:32:28They didn't have to do that!

0:32:28 > 0:32:30I'm not criticising the BBC.

0:32:30 > 0:32:31It's not their responsibility to know

0:32:31 > 0:32:34that I have a gambling addiction.

0:32:34 > 0:32:36Because it is self-knowledge.

0:32:36 > 0:32:38And when I go to the casino,

0:32:38 > 0:32:41I only bring the equivalent of 100 to gamble with,

0:32:41 > 0:32:44because I know I can afford to lose that.

0:32:44 > 0:32:49And I bring 25 for food in case I get hungry.

0:32:49 > 0:32:51And 800 for bus fare.

0:32:53 > 0:32:56In case I forget something and have to go home

0:32:56 > 0:32:57a couple of hundred times.

0:32:57 > 0:32:59It's quite a long flight out here.

0:32:59 > 0:33:02And of course, I didn't get to board the plane first,

0:33:02 > 0:33:04because I don't travel with small children.

0:33:04 > 0:33:06People who do travel with small children,

0:33:06 > 0:33:08they go on before anybody else.

0:33:08 > 0:33:13It's a nearly universal airline policy and it's totally unfair.

0:33:13 > 0:33:14I mean, it's not fair at all.

0:33:14 > 0:33:19Never mind that I've spent the better part of a quarter of a century

0:33:19 > 0:33:22flying on the same airline, trying to earn enough status,

0:33:22 > 0:33:26enough loyalty, that maybe I could board the plane first.

0:33:26 > 0:33:28Never mind that.

0:33:28 > 0:33:31Because that guy right over there made a single bad decision

0:33:31 > 0:33:32three years ago.

0:33:33 > 0:33:36So, roll out the red carpet for His Majesty.

0:33:37 > 0:33:39And I'm not having a go at kids or parents.

0:33:39 > 0:33:41In fact, it's in defence of children.

0:33:41 > 0:33:44Little kids don't want to be jammed on the plane right away.

0:33:44 > 0:33:48Small children do not enjoy air travel

0:33:48 > 0:33:51and they've been making this abundantly clear,

0:33:51 > 0:33:54for as long as I can remember.

0:33:54 > 0:33:57In fact, the airline should reverse the policy.

0:33:57 > 0:34:00They should say, small children stay at the airport till the last minute.

0:34:00 > 0:34:03They should say, "Anybody without small children,

0:34:03 > 0:34:06"you may now board the plane first,

0:34:06 > 0:34:10"that you might enjoy a short moment of Zen."

0:34:10 > 0:34:12Then the attendant would guide us, like,

0:34:12 > 0:34:14"OK everybody, just breathe in.

0:34:14 > 0:34:16- "And release." - HE EXHALES

0:34:17 > 0:34:19OK, here they come.

0:34:21 > 0:34:23"I think I'm ready for this."

0:34:23 > 0:34:26But I also want to admit, in the interest of being open-minded,

0:34:26 > 0:34:28that I don't know why the kids have got to board first.

0:34:28 > 0:34:31Maybe there's a really good reason why the kids have got to board first

0:34:31 > 0:34:34that I don't know about, because I don't get to go on there with them,

0:34:34 > 0:34:36so I don't know what they do in there.

0:34:36 > 0:34:40I mean, maybe they've got to do, like, a pre-flight sound check.

0:34:40 > 0:34:41I'm serious.

0:34:41 > 0:34:45Maybe they get on the plane, and they're like,

0:34:45 > 0:34:46"Wa-a-ah, wa-a-ah!

0:34:46 > 0:34:49"Is that good in the back? Can you hear that?

0:34:49 > 0:34:50"Is that sufficiently piercing?

0:34:50 > 0:34:52"OK, I'm almost ready to let them on,

0:34:52 > 0:34:55"I just want to do a couple of seat kicking warm-ups

0:34:55 > 0:34:56"real quick here first.

0:34:56 > 0:34:59"Check my distance, get the volume up on that iPad,

0:34:59 > 0:35:00"turn the volume up on that iPad real good,

0:35:00 > 0:35:06"I want people on the ground to hear me playing Angry Birds!"

0:35:06 > 0:35:08Do you guys ever worry about the world?

0:35:08 > 0:35:11I get worried. I watched a documentary recently

0:35:11 > 0:35:15about how much the pollution from humans

0:35:15 > 0:35:17is destroying the environment.

0:35:18 > 0:35:22And, after I watched that,

0:35:22 > 0:35:25I was so upset I couldn't even talk.

0:35:25 > 0:35:30I just had to go for a really long drive by myself.

0:35:30 > 0:35:32And just think about shit,

0:35:32 > 0:35:34alone in my Winnebago.

0:35:36 > 0:35:38Windows down, air conditioning up.

0:35:39 > 0:35:44And a bit of hairspray, because when I'm looking good, I'm feeling good.

0:35:44 > 0:35:47I love nature. I spend a lot of time in Australia,

0:35:47 > 0:35:50and unfortunately, I don't want to go out in nature there,

0:35:50 > 0:35:52because I'm self-educated. I know what lives out there.

0:35:52 > 0:35:55My friends there say, "Just go hiking, mate."

0:35:55 > 0:35:57"No, I'm not going!

0:35:57 > 0:36:00"I'm staying right here in this parking lot!"

0:36:00 > 0:36:02"Mate, let's go for a hike!" "No, I'm not going.

0:36:02 > 0:36:05"I know what's out there." They tried to convince me the same way

0:36:05 > 0:36:09every time. They say, "Mate, the snakes are just as afraid of you as

0:36:09 > 0:36:11"you are of them."

0:36:11 > 0:36:12I'm like, "Really?"

0:36:12 > 0:36:18Are you telling me the snakes are sitting up all night, Googling me?

0:36:18 > 0:36:20"Is Arj Barker deadly?

0:36:21 > 0:36:24"Can he kill me? How do I know the good Arj Barkers

0:36:24 > 0:36:26"from the bad Arj Barkers?

0:36:28 > 0:36:30"Why do I have arms?"

0:36:33 > 0:36:35So, most of my adult life, I've been a bachelor,

0:36:35 > 0:36:38but about three years ago, I met somebody and we started dating.

0:36:38 > 0:36:41A year just flew by, and I said, "This is cool.

0:36:41 > 0:36:43"Maybe you should move in.

0:36:43 > 0:36:44"She said, "Great, Arj."

0:36:44 > 0:36:47So she moved in, and now I've been living with my girlfriend

0:36:47 > 0:36:49for just over two years.

0:36:49 > 0:36:52And I want to say living with someone has been such a

0:36:52 > 0:36:54major eye-opener for me.

0:36:54 > 0:36:59It's like the first time in my life when I feel like I truly understand

0:36:59 > 0:37:01why murder happens.

0:37:04 > 0:37:06Because up until now, I would always just think,

0:37:06 > 0:37:09"Why would somebody kill somebody? It's so extreme."

0:37:09 > 0:37:13But these days, at least once a week, I think,

0:37:13 > 0:37:17"Well, we can't take that option off the table."

0:37:18 > 0:37:20I mean, not that I ever would,

0:37:20 > 0:37:22I would never kill anybody intentionally,

0:37:22 > 0:37:24and I'm a pacifist 100%.

0:37:24 > 0:37:26And I also don't want you to think in any way

0:37:26 > 0:37:30that I'm trying to minimise the serious issue of domestic violence.

0:37:30 > 0:37:32All I'm really trying to say is that,

0:37:32 > 0:37:35living with my girlfriend has introduced me to new levels of anger

0:37:35 > 0:37:39within myself that I didn't even know were there before.

0:37:39 > 0:37:41You know, they say, have you heard that thing, sir, where they say,

0:37:41 > 0:37:44when you meet the right person they complete you?

0:37:44 > 0:37:45Have you heard about that?

0:37:45 > 0:37:46Well, it turns out,

0:37:46 > 0:37:50the missing part of me was the really pissed off part.

0:37:50 > 0:37:54OK, there you are, get on in here, you big red-faced son of a bitch.

0:37:56 > 0:37:57And now I am whole.

0:37:59 > 0:38:02And I know that some people here might be a bit concerned and think,

0:38:02 > 0:38:04"Jeez, Arj, how does that joke make your poor girlfriend feel?"

0:38:04 > 0:38:06Well, you oughta know something, London -

0:38:06 > 0:38:08any joke that my girlfriend's involved in,

0:38:08 > 0:38:11she gets to hear it first, and she has to sign off on it,

0:38:11 > 0:38:13before I do it on stage.

0:38:13 > 0:38:16That's a self-volunteering policy out of respect for her.

0:38:16 > 0:38:19So, when I thought of that joke, I thought, "OK, it's a little dark,

0:38:19 > 0:38:23"but I could make it work." But then I thought, "Oh, shit,

0:38:23 > 0:38:26"now I've got to tell her." So, I wanted to wait till the right time,

0:38:26 > 0:38:29till she had a little bit of red wine in her hand, you know,

0:38:29 > 0:38:31I'd just opened up a fresh box that night.

0:38:31 > 0:38:35And she's about to watch her favourite show of all time,

0:38:35 > 0:38:37Downtown Abbey.

0:38:39 > 0:38:41Then I said, "Honey, I've got this new joke, it's about us.

0:38:41 > 0:38:45"It's so stupid, I mean, it's like so over the top.

0:38:45 > 0:38:48"I mean, it's flat-out ridiculous." "Just tell me the joke, Arj."

0:38:48 > 0:38:50So, I told her. And you know what?

0:38:50 > 0:38:53She laughed. And she didn't just laugh,

0:38:53 > 0:38:55she laughed at a level of laughter,

0:38:55 > 0:38:57to the point where I started thinking,

0:38:57 > 0:38:58"Shit, I got to watch my back."

0:39:02 > 0:39:04But I didn't want to tip off to let her know that I was on to her

0:39:04 > 0:39:07and that I'd discovered her plan to eliminate me.

0:39:07 > 0:39:10So, I played it real cool, but I'm a lot more careful now.

0:39:10 > 0:39:12You know, if she said, "Hey, Arj,

0:39:12 > 0:39:14"do you want to go cliff walking with me later?"

0:39:14 > 0:39:16"No, actually...

0:39:16 > 0:39:19"I've got a tonne of shit to do inland."

0:39:22 > 0:39:25You guys are an awesome crowd. Does anybody watch Game Of Thrones?

0:39:25 > 0:39:26CHEERING

0:39:26 > 0:39:29Best show ever. I assume everybody's all caught up,

0:39:29 > 0:39:31can we talk about it in detail?

0:39:31 > 0:39:33- Yeah!- No!

0:39:33 > 0:39:35A couple of people... Who said, "No"?

0:39:35 > 0:39:38You're not caught up? Oh, there you are. What's your name?

0:39:38 > 0:39:39Sarah.

0:39:39 > 0:39:42Santa? Santa, good to meet you in person,

0:39:42 > 0:39:44thanks for all the presents over the years.

0:39:47 > 0:39:50You're a lot different than what I pictured.

0:39:50 > 0:39:52Lovely to meet you.

0:39:52 > 0:39:54Santa...

0:39:56 > 0:39:58On behalf of yourself and anyone else that isn't caught up on

0:39:58 > 0:40:01Game Of Thrones, I want you to know that I will happily skip over this

0:40:01 > 0:40:04small part of the show, because spoiling popular TV in our culture

0:40:04 > 0:40:08is a huge taboo, Santa. Far be it for me to break that taboo and, yes,

0:40:08 > 0:40:10I pronounce taboo, "taboo."

0:40:13 > 0:40:14So, you have nothing to worry about, Santa.

0:40:14 > 0:40:19But at some point, yes, perhaps a wider discussion about implementing

0:40:19 > 0:40:23a statute of limitations, with regards to how much authority

0:40:23 > 0:40:25the spoiler police have in our world,

0:40:25 > 0:40:28because at some point, I would like to freely discuss the movie ET

0:40:28 > 0:40:33with my friends in public without getting my head ripped off.

0:40:33 > 0:40:37"Shut up, Arj, shut up, I'm watching it this weekend!

0:40:37 > 0:40:39"Shut up, don't talk about it."

0:40:39 > 0:40:42When a guy goes home, he goes home!

0:40:43 > 0:40:45He goes home, Santa.

0:40:47 > 0:40:52Maybe you ought to go home and start watching some shit.

0:40:54 > 0:40:57Goddamn, it's called, "Must See TV."

0:40:57 > 0:41:00Is there something unclear about that?

0:41:00 > 0:41:03It's not called, "see it whenever the fuck you get around to it."

0:41:03 > 0:41:08Meanwhile, slap a gagging order on the rest of civilisation.

0:41:08 > 0:41:12You know something, Santa, you seem real nice, but you know what?

0:41:12 > 0:41:14You're the spoiler.

0:41:16 > 0:41:19You spoil an enjoyable conversation for other adults,

0:41:19 > 0:41:22because you're too goddamn lazy to sit around and watch TV all day,

0:41:22 > 0:41:25like the rest of us.

0:41:26 > 0:41:28And I'm glad to see you're still smiling,

0:41:28 > 0:41:30because you've actually helped me out a lot. OK?

0:41:30 > 0:41:33This is part of my show, Santa.

0:41:33 > 0:41:36And if on any particular night when I'm doing this joke and I say to the

0:41:36 > 0:41:39audience, are you all caught up in the Game Of Thrones?

0:41:39 > 0:41:43And on that particular night, Santa, the entire audience says, "Yeah,

0:41:43 > 0:41:46"We're are all caught up, Arj."

0:41:46 > 0:41:48Guess what, Santa? I'm fucked.

0:41:58 > 0:42:01Because I would have lost two minutes of, arguably, some of the

0:42:01 > 0:42:05strongest material in my whole set.

0:42:05 > 0:42:08And I've never even seen Game Of Thrones.

0:42:08 > 0:42:09OK?

0:42:09 > 0:42:11I'm not going to watch that bullshit.

0:42:17 > 0:42:18But this has been wonderful.

0:42:18 > 0:42:20I'm about to get out of here and I want to just

0:42:20 > 0:42:23thank you all for coming out here and being a great crowd.

0:42:23 > 0:42:26You really cheered me up and I was a little bit low when I showed up here

0:42:26 > 0:42:28tonight, I'm going to admit that.

0:42:28 > 0:42:31Don't worry, it's not clinical.

0:42:31 > 0:42:33Depression is a serious thing.

0:42:33 > 0:42:36I was just feeling a little bit low and it's my fault anyway.

0:42:36 > 0:42:38I'm the one that chose to watch Marley And Me

0:42:38 > 0:42:40on Blu-ray right before I left the hotel.

0:42:42 > 0:42:44And it's even more sad in high-def.

0:42:46 > 0:42:49Even though I knew it was going to happen, it was even more sad.

0:42:49 > 0:42:50Have you seen Marley And Me, sir?

0:42:50 > 0:42:54You haven't seen it? Well, you better brace yourself emotionally,

0:42:54 > 0:42:56because it is very sad.

0:42:56 > 0:42:59I'm not going to ruin it, but just be prepared.

0:42:59 > 0:43:03I don't know if you know, but the sequel is just called Me.

0:43:03 > 0:43:05Just be careful.

0:43:05 > 0:43:08That's it from me. Thank you very much!

0:43:08 > 0:43:10Thank you. Thank you.

0:43:10 > 0:43:12CHEERING

0:43:15 > 0:43:18Give it up for Arj Barker!

0:43:18 > 0:43:20CHEERING

0:43:23 > 0:43:25You've been such an amazing crowd. Thanks ever so much for coming.

0:43:25 > 0:43:28Please, give it up for the people you've seen tonight, Tom Allen,

0:43:28 > 0:43:31Arj Barker, and I've been Sarah Millican. Goodnight!