0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31CHEERING
0:00:41 > 0:00:43All right? CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Yes, it's a pleasure to be here, thank you.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47It's lovely having a night out.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I enjoy it. I do like drinking.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53It is slightly being ruined for me now by...
0:00:53 > 0:00:55A lot of my friends have started drinking real ale.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58So that I know that they are better than me.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:01They'll do this... You get in a round with them and you go,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I'll have a lager and they have to go...
0:01:03 > 0:01:05"A lager? Really?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07"Wouldn't you prefer a pint of this?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10"They brew it locally and they only make six pints a month."
0:01:10 > 0:01:12You know why that is, don't you?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Because no-one wants to drink it, mate.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:15 > 0:01:17They're always going on about how much better it tastes.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19"It tastes so much better."
0:01:19 > 0:01:22No-one is drinking alcohol for the taste.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Otherwise you wouldn't keep drinking it.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I like the taste of milk.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I tend to stop after one glass.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:34You never find me at 2am, eight pints of milk down.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Come on, there's got to be another dairy open somewhere, hasn't there?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43All back to mine, I've got some UHT in the fridge.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46We'll party through till dawn.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51They act like they're so much cooler than you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You're not cooler than me because you drink real ale.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56James Bond wouldn't be as cool if when he was in the casino,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59the woman came over, "Get you another drink, 007?"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"Yeah, just a pint of Otter's Cock please, yeah."
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:06 > 0:02:07"Do you want it shaken or stirred?"
0:02:07 > 0:02:09"No, flat and at room temperature."
0:02:13 > 0:02:15As you can tell,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I am going to be dealing with the big issues tonight in my set.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Yeah, no, I will...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'll throw out some political opinions if you want them.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Here we go.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I would give a life prison sentence...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, you are on board now, aren't you?
0:02:27 > 0:02:32I would give a life prison sentence to anyone who works in Pret a Manger
0:02:32 > 0:02:34and when I order an individual yoghurt,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36fails to remind me to get a spoon.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Because they know in half an hour,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I'll be sat on the train with a yoghurt, head in my hands, thinking,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"Why do bad things happen to good people?"
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Can I make my lid into a spoon?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I don't have the origami skills.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I just think if you do a job, you should do the whole thing.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Like, I got in a taxi the other day,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01told him my destination and he turned round and he said,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"Have you got a preferred route?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Surely that is your job.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Might as well get in and him go, "Are you all right to do the gears?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Cos I'm eating a Yorkie, I haven't got my hands free.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20What I'm trying to tell you... To cut a long story short,
0:03:20 > 0:03:21what I'm try to tell you,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I don't know if you've ever bumped into someone
0:03:23 > 0:03:26you haven't seen in six months, while you're on a train,
0:03:26 > 0:03:27drinking a yoghurt.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It's a low moment.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32You know they're going to report to mutual friends.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"I bumped into Josh." "How was he?"
0:03:34 > 0:03:35"Having a breakdown."
0:03:36 > 0:03:40He was mixing the two sections of a Fruit Corner with his own tongue.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44"Has he got a girlfriend?"
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"Well, he was getting off with a Petits Filous, yeah."
0:03:49 > 0:03:50There's no panic like it on a train.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The only panic close on a train is when out of nowhere,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55the announcement will come at the next station,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57this train will be splitting in two.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I've never known if I'm in the front or the back four carriages.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05They'll be rumours flying around the carriage.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"Stick your head out the window and count backwards."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I can't get the angle.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11One guy on headphones who hasn't heard, "Well, I'm not telling him.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Unlucky, mate."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Families being split up like it's East and West Berlin.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You two go one way, we'll go the other, two of us will live on,
0:04:22 > 0:04:23the other two will end up in Littlehampton.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30I like the train.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32The train is my preferred method of transport.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I don't like flying. Scares me.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I don't know how people aren't scared of flying.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40How are you OK with turbulence?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43The first time I heard about that, I couldn't believe my ears.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46What was that? "Oh. Sorry, did we not tell you?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47"Sometimes when you're five miles in the air,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"the plane will go up and down uncontrollably
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"and there's nothing the pilot can do about it."
0:04:53 > 0:04:55That's not an acceptable feature.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You go on a bus and they went,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Just so you know, sometimes halfway down the motorway,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04"we might just zigzag in and out of the lanes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"There's nothing the driver can do about it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"You're all right with that, aren't you?" No!
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Because I'm not a psychopath!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16And the entertainment's not enough to distract you.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18The films, fine. The other options...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Who are these people on planes
0:05:20 > 0:05:23watching these single episodes of serial dramas?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"Oh, series five, episode 16 of Dexter!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"Brilliant, that's exactly where I've got to my box set."
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Well, I missed the first five series and 15 episodes,
0:05:41 > 0:05:42"I'm sure I'll catch up."
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I got on a plane recently... You will not believe this.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52Genuinely, one of the options, series one, episode one
0:05:52 > 0:05:53of Lost.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57There's a plane-crash drama.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01What are the other options? The Buddy Holly Story?!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I'm not an expert, I will admit this, on aviation.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Someone asked me the other day, they said,
0:06:10 > 0:06:11"What do you think about this debate
0:06:11 > 0:06:15"over whether Heathrow needs a third runway?"
0:06:15 > 0:06:16My first reaction was,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18has Heathrow only got two runways?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I assumed they had loads of them. It's a massive airport.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28That means they've got more WH Smiths than they've got runways.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I mean, that's not an airport,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35that's just a newsagent with excellent transport links.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43We never went on good holidays as a child.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47We didn't. My parents, they now... They go on pretty rubbish holidays.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51What they do is, they go on holiday and then they bring me back gifts of
0:06:51 > 0:06:52their holiday that I haven't been on.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55I've got a Morocco key ring,
0:06:55 > 0:06:56so that every time I get my keys out, I can go,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"Oh, yeah, I haven't been to Morocco."
0:07:01 > 0:07:04My parents came back from York, they bought me a collectable teaspoon.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Who is collecting teaspoons
0:07:08 > 0:07:11from places around the UK?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"Oh! Finally, I can combine my twin interests,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16"of English Heritage and doing heroin."
0:07:16 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"I haven't felt this high since I went to Hever Castle.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"Pass me my Wookey Hole tourniquet
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"and I'll get on with taking these drugs, yeah."
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Tell you the one I hate, when you're going on holiday
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and other people ask you to get them things.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"You're on holiday, yeah, can you get me a large bottle of vodka?"
0:07:37 > 0:07:38No.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41No, cos I'm going on holiday, not doing a big shop.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"Oh. Could you do me a little favour?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"Yeah, yeah. Can you get me 4,000 Lambert and Butler?"
0:07:49 > 0:07:52No! I'm not a mule.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53They might as well go,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"Are you all right to put this cocaine in a condom
0:07:55 > 0:07:56"and shove it up your arse?"
0:07:58 > 0:07:59But I always say yes to the things...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Not that. Not that...
0:08:03 > 0:08:04I always say yes. I've got this list of things,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I leave it to the last day.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08My last day is just me running around a city
0:08:08 > 0:08:09looking for items.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11It's like I'm in that episode of The Apprentice.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Just running around Milan, going, "I don't know what a pashmina is."
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Tell you what I hated is when I used to work in an office and you'd come
0:08:23 > 0:08:25back from holiday and people would go, "Oh, did you get us anything?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:29No.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Cos the reason I went on holiday is to forget that you existed.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34LAUGHING AND CHEERING
0:08:41 > 0:08:42I'm not going to lie to you,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I didn't think about you once in the last two weeks.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Except when I got here and then I felt depressed.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I don't think people should buy presents for people
0:08:51 > 0:08:53they don't know that well.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56My aunt last Christmas, she didn't need to get me a present.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Instead, what I opened
0:08:59 > 0:09:01was a flat cap.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04A flat cap.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Oh, that's a great present because it is my new year's resolution
0:09:07 > 0:09:08to deliver bread on a bicycle.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I looked at this flat cap, disbelieving, she looked at me,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17she said, "Oh, have you already got one?" No!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21And I'm not going to have one again once I hit the charity shop.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24It was unbelievable. Look, if you get a bad T-shirt for Christmas,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26you can do something, you can wear it and do something else.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28You can't do that with a flat cap.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Walking around town, I hope no-one's spotted my flat cap,
0:09:30 > 0:09:31underneath my top hat.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Or you could wear a T-shirt to the gym,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37you can't do that in a flat cap.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39On the treadmill, girl goes past.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40"'Ey up."
0:09:42 > 0:09:44She said, well, I thought they were fashionable.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Then she said, perhaps you could wear it backwards.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Backwards?!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I'm not Samuel L Jackson.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55She... Oh, this was the worst.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Last birthday, she sent me a birthday card.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Right, fine.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Then my mum told me that I had to send her a thank you card.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07For the birthday card.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Then she sent me a thank you card
0:10:09 > 0:10:12for my thank you card for her birthday card.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I have been tricked into becoming my auntie's pen pal.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Also, what are these cards that aunties are sending?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Always from the same range, isn't it?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Always something like a gentle watercolour of two footballers
0:10:26 > 0:10:27going in for a tackle.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Where are they getting them? I've never seen them on sale.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Did they buy a big box in the '70s?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Well, that's me probably till death now, yeah.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Are they going on Moon Pig, going, "I'll tell you what I want, right,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"could I get the words birthday boy and then could I get a gentle
0:10:48 > 0:10:53"watercolour of a racing car going past a chequered flag?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"Also, could I get another one
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"with a gentle watercolour of a golfer
0:11:01 > 0:11:02"teeing off in tartan trousers?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06"Yeah. And could you sellotape a pound coin inside? Yeah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"That would be perfect.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"Best 32nd birthday he'll ever have."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I don't do cards.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I'm in a relationship.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19It's difficult giving cards when you're in a relationship.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It should be simple, it should be fine,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23we should just send one from both of us.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Instead, what happens, my girlfriend will get the card then will write,
0:11:26 > 0:11:27"Dear Steve, happy birthday."
0:11:27 > 0:11:32And then what she'll do, she'll write her name, then the word and...
0:11:33 > 0:11:37And then she'll hand me the card to write my name
0:11:37 > 0:11:38in a different handwriting
0:11:38 > 0:11:41so they know I took no part in the rest of the process.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45"It shows it's from both of us."
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It shows it's from you. Why do I need to write my own name?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49I'm not four.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"Look at Josh, he can write his own name.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54"Isn't he doing well?"
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Why don't we put a hand print and we'll be done with it?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02I used to have a flatmate.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05That was more annoying. That was who I lived with before.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09The kind of person, he couldn't handle the simplest of adult tasks.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13This reached a point the day I knew I had to move out was the day he
0:12:13 > 0:12:14phoned me and he said,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"Josh, I've had a bit of an accident."
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I said, "What happened?"
0:12:18 > 0:12:21He said, "I've managed to flood the landing."
0:12:21 > 0:12:25And initially I thought, that is an interesting use of the word managed.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28That implies he's been trying to do it for ages.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31There's no taps,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34this is going to be a lot more of a challenge than I thought.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I said, how did you do it?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And this is what he said, he said,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"What happened, right, I managed to flood the landing...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"What happened was I fell asleep in the shower...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Covering the plughole with my arse."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I said, "You can't just say that like that is a thing.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56"I mean, no-one has ever done that."
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I mean, first phone the plumber, second,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00phone the Guinness Book of Records.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I said, "Well, didn't you wake up when you fell asleep?"
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And he said, "Oh, no, I was a bit tired halfway through,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"so I just had a lie down."
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Sorry, how tiring is your showering technique?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Am I showering wrong? I've never got to the end of my face and thought,
0:13:17 > 0:13:18"Fucking hell, I'm knackered.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20"I'm going to need 40 winks before I move onto my balls."
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I mean, he's not got a big face.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I'm not living with David Coulthard.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I mean, we've got that Radox relaxing shower gel...
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Unless he's drinking it, what is going on?
0:13:35 > 0:13:36I was living with him...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I was getting over a break-up and it's the worst thing in the world...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41The hardest thing in the world, getting over a break-up.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Actually, breaking up with someone second hardest thing...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46We all know the hardest thing in the world
0:13:46 > 0:13:49and that is picking a CD up off a laminate floor.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Bloody hell. Dropped one of them, that's four hours of my life gone, isn't it?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Chasing it around like it's air hockey.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I'm never going to pick this up.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03If we sell the house, I'm going to have to make this a feature.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Come in, I've got a microwave, a fridge freezer,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10that's Urban Hymns by The Verve, that's going nowhere.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15How am I meant to pick it up? A plunger?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I don't own a plunger. I'm not going to call out a plumber.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"You all right, mate? What's the job?"
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Pick that up, will you?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Why do you recognise me? I flooded my landing just two weeks ago.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I'm from Devon. Anyone here from Devon?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34A FEW CHEERS
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Not many.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38But that is the population of Devon.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I grew up in Dartmoor, middle of nowhere.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45To give you an idea of it, nothing had ever happened.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47If you haven't seen Dartmoor recently on the news,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50because a lynx got on the loose.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I was worried about this because my parents still live there.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I texted my mum. I was going to phone her, but I was worried,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58what if she was hiding from the lynx at that moment?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I wouldn't want to give away her position.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Nothing had happened on Dartmoor when I was growing up.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06That's why there was no history. They had to make up these kind of myths and legends.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I don't know if you are aware of them, the myth of the Hairy Hand.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12What this was, right, was a ghost hand that would appear if you were
0:15:12 > 0:15:17driving across Dartmoor late at night and steer you off the road.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19We learnt about this in history.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I was reading all the witness statements, genuinely.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27My favourite was one of the people it happened to described the hand
0:15:27 > 0:15:28as invisible.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I mean, if he wasn't breathalysed at the scene,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36what the hell are Devon and Cornwall Police doing?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Grew up in the middle of nowhere. To give you an idea, right...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I don't know how many kids you had in your year at primary school.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45I had, in my year in primary school, four children.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47There was a five-a-side football tournament,
0:15:47 > 0:15:48we weren't allowed to enter.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52We genuinely, this is not a lie,
0:15:52 > 0:15:56had a lesson once a week where we listened to the radio.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Like evacuees, waiting for news from the front.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I mean, I don't know if it was educational, I don't remember.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08It might have been the teacher going, "Oh, sod this, I'm off for a fag.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"Here's Steve Wright. Enjoy yourselves."
0:16:11 > 0:16:12We didn't even learn anything good.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Art class, I wanted to learn how to draw...
0:16:14 > 0:16:18We didn't... The only tip I remember from art class, when drawing a face,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21always remember the eyes are exactly halfway down.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24No, they're not.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Have you seen a face...?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Oh, yeah. Of course, my eyes are halfway down,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31that's why I wear my glasses under my ears.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36What did he look like? Normal bloke. 50% forehead, yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39The only way that tip is of any use is if the question in the exam is,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41draw Ant from Ant and Dec.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Science class, the only thing I learned in science class,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48how to use a Bunsen burner.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Not a skill I've needed in later life.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Never had someone come around, do you want a cup of tea?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I'll just pop on the Bunsen burner.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Blue flame, I'm not an idiot.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Only one use for orange flame, wasn't there...
0:17:00 > 0:17:02IMITATES BUNSEN BURNER
0:17:02 > 0:17:07Oh, that just happened, your eyes aren't deceiving you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10You never see one... Never outside a pub, have you got a light, mate?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Have you got a gas tap?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Also, what is going on with the health and safety in schools?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I'm not allowed a conker outside, in here, I'm allowed a flame-thrower?!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24The only other item we ever had in science class was once a week,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27we'd be sent outside with a wheel on a stick.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32A trundle wheel, and we'd just walk around for hours.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Just clicking.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I don't know what I'm learning here.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Is this going to come up in the exam?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Question one, explain photosynthesis.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Question two, how big's the car park?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47To the nearest ten clicks.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50That's why the best day in all of science,
0:17:50 > 0:17:51the best day all year was when they would go,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55"Today, we are going to watch the television." You go, "Brilliant, just like at home."
0:17:55 > 0:17:57No, not like at home. Cos this TV show will be shit.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01But then they'd build up the excitement, wouldn't they, by leaving the room
0:18:01 > 0:18:04and then slowly wheeling the TV back in.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Like it was Queen Elizabeth II.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10All hail the television.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And then they'd fail to make it work for 20 minutes.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17And wheel it back out.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20And bring out the trundle wheels.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Live at the Apollo, you are a lovely audience.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Are you ready for your first act of the evening?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32CHEERING
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Good, good. She is absolutely brilliant.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36She is one of my favourite acts on the whole circuit.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Please welcome the wonderful Celia Pacquola.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41CHEERING
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Good evening!
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Hello. Thank you very much for having me here this evening.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I have come from Australia, so I am...
0:18:56 > 0:18:57CHEERING
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Oh, I am... Really, I'm a bit jet-lagged
0:18:59 > 0:19:01because I flew in tomorrow.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03So...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06My friend admitted to me, right,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10that she likes to masturbate by candlelight.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And I was like geez, that must make birthdays awkward.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Wow!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Particularly around the office.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20OK. Hi.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I am 33 years old.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I know. And I am single, but I'm fine.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I can do what I want because I'm single, answer to myself, right?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31It's just me. I make the rules.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34And I don't have any kids, that I know of, hey...?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36LAUGHING AND CHEERING
0:19:40 > 0:19:41You know...
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I genuinely thought I was fine and then the other night I got drunk
0:19:45 > 0:19:46and I signed myself up for eHarmony,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48which is an online-dating website.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Don't remember doing it, looked at it the next day,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54turns out I'm looking for someone who can bring me a pizza.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Because here's the thing, guys.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I get drunk on my own and then I get on the internet
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and then bad things happen.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04What?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05I do. I drink alone.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I like it. I know you're not supposed to do it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I know it's like sad and it's like a bit of a red flag,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13but you know red's always been my colour.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14I like it. I like it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17My bed's there, I'm not going to say anything embarrassing.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I like it. I've been known to leave parties where I'm having fun
0:20:20 > 0:20:21and I go, "I've got to go."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24And they go, "Do you have to get up early?"
0:20:24 > 0:20:27And I go, "No, no. I just like to continue this without you guys."
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And I drink beer. Beer is my drink of choice.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34And I'm not saying this to be cool, by the way.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I wish I did not love beer as much as I...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39It makes me mad at it, how much I love it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Goddamn! I love it. I'm going to get it. I love it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45And I met a new person in a bar and they said,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47"Oh, Celia, I'm going to the bar, I'll get you a beer.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"Oh, sorry, do you drink beer? Do you like beer?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:51And I said, "Do I like beer?"
0:20:53 > 0:20:57"Do hip-hop dance crews like finishing on a sound effect
0:20:57 > 0:20:58"of glass breaking?"
0:20:58 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"All right, I reckon about 14% of you know what that was about."
0:21:04 > 0:21:08See, the thing is, you're trying to figure me, out but I'm trying to figure you guys out as well.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10All right, let's see who else we've got in the room.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12How about this one? Do I like beer?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Do people wearing lanyards
0:21:14 > 0:21:16think they're better than people who aren't wearing lanyards?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17LAUGHTER
0:21:18 > 0:21:21OK. OK. Welcome, welcome.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23As I say, 33,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25you get a bit of pity at my age being single,
0:21:25 > 0:21:26but like we've got some perks.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Like, if you've got love, you've get love, sweet,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31but if you're single, we've got some sweet perks.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37Like, single stories are way better than relationship stories.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Every time. They are just better stories.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Like, if you are in a relationship
0:21:41 > 0:21:44and you think something funny happened to you, it didn't.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I am sorry.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52It is not... Oh, what?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Really? You were in IKEA for how long? No!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58And you ended up coming home with the wrong...?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Excuse me, I'm going to kill myself.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03No, no, you keep telling that fantastic story.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05This is a single story.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Oh, my God, so that guy from the internet,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08turns out he did think he was a Viking.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Horns, helmet, whole thing.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13We kissed in a Pizza Express and he brought popcorn from home.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And it's brutal. Like, if you're not dating,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19be smug because this isn't even a joke.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22On paper, dating, fact, is,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25going up to someone that you don't know and going,
0:22:27 > 0:22:28"What do you think of this?"
0:22:31 > 0:22:32And they go, "Nah."
0:22:34 > 0:22:36And you go, "OK. Cool.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"Oi, what do you think of this?"
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Just that. And on and on and on.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41And if you go on dates and they don't go anywhere,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43like you don't hear from them, you don't know why.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Like, you don't know why.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47And then you get to go home and play a fun game that I like to call,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49was it my face or my opinions?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Could be both. Yahtzee, oh, my God.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56And it's just shit. I hate it.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Like, you go on dates, you've got to pretend to be a person and stuff.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01I hate it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I don't know what to wear. I wore jeggings.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Help. Help me. I don't know what I'm doing.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08If you don't know, jeggings are leggings
0:23:08 > 0:23:11that look like jeans that make you look skinny.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Except that they aren't and they don't.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:20 > 0:23:23But to me, they are the second-worst fashion faux pas
0:23:23 > 0:23:26than the jumpsuit on women. Do you remember the jumpsuit?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28The one-piece outfit with the zip up the back?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I think they look good but if you are wearing one of them,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32if you want to go to the toilet in one of those things,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35you've got to be nude. The whole thing has to come off.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37You've got to be nude. It's humiliating.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Don't make it be nude, just give them a poo flap or something.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Help them out.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Don't know what to say on dates because aside from doing this,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I have nothing to talk about.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I am really scraping the bottom of the small-talk barrel.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Genuinely, I'm like,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"Erm...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"My jaw clicks.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"It doesn't hurt. No.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14"Yep.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16"Getting a blowjob from me
0:24:16 > 0:24:18"is like having sex with a grandfather clock.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"Ha-ha-ha.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"So are we getting entrees, or...? OK, goodbye."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26It's just emotions are complicated.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Like, love and hate are supposed to be two ends of the spectrum,
0:24:29 > 0:24:30but they get mingled.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Like, love can come from hate.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34How is that possible? It is.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I love peanut butter
0:24:38 > 0:24:40because an ex of mine is allergic to nuts
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and every time I eat peanut butter, I imagine him dying.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Yep. Like, yum, yum, yum.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Oh, his throat would be closing up right about now.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Yum, yum, yum, yum.
0:24:54 > 0:24:59This is an aside and I wasn't going to tell you this, but I like you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02OK, I think nut allergies is going to be the thing that wipes us out.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Like, you know when your friends and you are talking about it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Like, "Oh, is it going to be climate change, is it going to be meteorite?"
0:25:07 > 0:25:10No. My money's on nut allergies. Cos we weren't allergic to nuts and now we are.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Right? And every year, it gets worse and worse.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16More and more kids allergic to nuts. And over time everyone's going to be allergic to nuts.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20And then, at some point, everyone on the planet will be allergic to nuts and when nuts figure that out,
0:25:20 > 0:25:21we are fucked.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Do you think it is a coincidence that satay
0:25:25 > 0:25:27is one letter away from Satan?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28What?!
0:25:30 > 0:25:33That is the dumbest thing ever.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36And I spend quite a lot of time thinking about trying to have less hate in my life.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40It's a very scary time to be alive, but there's some stuff, no matter how hard I try, I can't...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Like, I will always hate getting up early.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Always, forever. Right?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Every morning when I have to get up early, this is how I do it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I still have an alarm clock, right?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Retro. And my alarm goes off and I go, "What?"
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Snooze! Because alarm and snooze
0:25:53 > 0:25:55are like good cop, bad cop in the mornings.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Cos alarm is like, "Get out of bed! Now!"
0:25:58 > 0:26:00And snooze is like, "Don't worry about him.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- "I'm on your side." - SHE IMITATES KISS
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"You're going to have a great day!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10"I mean, you'll be late,
0:26:10 > 0:26:12"but take another eight minutes, you deserve it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"You're so pretty when you're sleeping!"
0:26:17 > 0:26:23And hate actually led me to unlock a secret of the universe.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Genuinely, hate led me to the best thought
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I'm ever going to have in my whole life. From hate...
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And the thing I was hating, a very simple thing, it was toe rings.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Simple thing, I hate them.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I hate them more than I should hate... OK. I hate them.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I think it's because I hate feet.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I think feet are disgusting and whenever I see a toe ring,
0:26:41 > 0:26:42I think, OK, what you're doing there
0:26:42 > 0:26:44is you are taking an already gross toe
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and you're trying to make it look like a tiny, faceless man
0:26:47 > 0:26:49with a hairy chest, wearing a belt. Stop it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Stop it! So, I was trying to have less hate in my life, so I was like,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"Right, I'm going to figure this out," so I sat in my flat, I'm like,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"Let's break it down. Why do we have toe rings?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01"Who invented them? Who's buying them?
0:27:01 > 0:27:05"What's the point of them?" And then I thought, "Oh, shit."
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Guys...
0:27:08 > 0:27:09You know toe rings?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14They are rings that we wear on our toes,
0:27:14 > 0:27:18then we have rings, earrings, rings people wear in their ears. Yeah?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Eyebrow rings, nose rings, belly-button rings.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22But these ones,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24rings.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Because if these ones were called finger rings...
0:27:29 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Make weddings pretty awkward.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- With this fingering, I... - SHE GASPS
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Make proposal stories really awkward.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54"Oh, my God! So, last night,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"John came over and out of nowhere just gave me the most incredible fingering.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01"I know! I'm so happy!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04"I mean, he asked my dad's permission first, obviously,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"and my dad was like, 'You go for it, son.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07"'You give her that fingering.'
0:28:07 > 0:28:09"And he came over and got down on one knee and
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"he said, 'Darling, I want to give you this fingering.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13"'It's the same fingering
0:28:13 > 0:28:16"'that my grandfather gave to my grandmother...'"
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Also make the Lord of the Fingerings a very different film. OK.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30There is no-one hearing that.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Just keep learning. Life's about learning, guys.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I will share with you another big thing I learned.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36This year, very exciting,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39I learned showering with a partner is not sexy.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44That does not seem like a big deal, but the world tells you it is sexy.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48But you try that shit once and you very quickly discover that showering
0:28:48 > 0:28:50with a partner is not sexy.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Showering with a partner is taking turns being cold.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Oh, yeah.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Lot of dosy-doe action, a lot of, "Ooh, let's move around this way."
0:29:02 > 0:29:03"Why?"
0:29:03 > 0:29:05"Cos I'm goddamn freezing! I'm freezing!"
0:29:05 > 0:29:07"And a lot of kissing like this."
0:29:07 > 0:29:10SHE SPUTTERS
0:29:13 > 0:29:14But mainly, as I get older,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17I just keep finding out shit that I'm wrong about.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Like, you grow up and you go, "I know these things, I'm sure."
0:29:20 > 0:29:22And then, wrong.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24The last thing I was in your lovely country,
0:29:24 > 0:29:28I was on one of your lovely overland trains.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31You know, the ones that have the toilets with the electronic
0:29:31 > 0:29:33science-fiction doors that go,
0:29:33 > 0:29:34"Waysh. Waysh."
0:29:36 > 0:29:40Now, I was sure I knew how to lock those...
0:29:43 > 0:29:48Nah. Turns out, I know how to shut them, yeah,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51and 12-year-old boys on the other side
0:29:51 > 0:29:55know how to push the open button and I don't know if you've ever been
0:29:55 > 0:30:01sat on the toilet when the door opens, but look,
0:30:01 > 0:30:04it's everything you dream it will be.
0:30:05 > 0:30:06And a little bit more.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Now, the thing with those doors is they take quite a long time
0:30:09 > 0:30:13to open. So I was desperately trying to find the close button.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15Eventually found the close button, but the thing is,
0:30:15 > 0:30:17as they take quite a long time to open, similarly,
0:30:17 > 0:30:19take quite a long time to close.
0:30:19 > 0:30:24So I got to maintain eye contact with an understandably horrified
0:30:24 > 0:30:2612-year-old boy as his face was being very slowly covered.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28It was kind of like this.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33And it finally shut, I sat back down and went, Oh, my God!
0:30:33 > 0:30:35I am never wearing a jumpsuit again!
0:30:35 > 0:30:37No!
0:30:42 > 0:30:45Thank you so much for having me. Enjoy your night. Goodnight.
0:30:50 > 0:30:51Celia Pacquola!
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Now, are we ready for our next act?
0:31:00 > 0:31:02CHEERING
0:31:02 > 0:31:03He is absolutely astonishing.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05You are going to absolutely love him.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09Please welcome on to the stage the wonderful Nathan Caton.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12MUSIC: Pow by Lethal Bizzle
0:31:20 > 0:31:22CHEERING
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Hey. What's happening, Apollo? You guys all right?
0:31:25 > 0:31:28- CHEERING - Cool, man. Good to be here.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Let's find out who is in the house.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Give me a cheer if you are from the UK.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33CHEERING
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Give me a cheer if you are from overseas.
0:31:35 > 0:31:36CHEERING
0:31:36 > 0:31:38OK. Cool, man. Nice little mix we've got going on.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41That's cool. I like that. The reason why asking, right,
0:31:41 > 0:31:44it is I was reading an article in the paper just the other day
0:31:44 > 0:31:48and it was saying, according to an American survey,
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Britain is the most polite nation on the planet.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Yeah, bloody right.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58It said, according to this survey, in Britain,
0:31:58 > 0:32:00we are so polite as a nation,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03we get more offended over bad manners than we do over crime.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06No, we bloody don't.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I don't know about you, but if I'm getting mugged,
0:32:08 > 0:32:10I don't give a shit about manners. You know?
0:32:10 > 0:32:12"Yo, blood. Give me your phone."
0:32:12 > 0:32:14What's the magic word?
0:32:18 > 0:32:21I was going to give it to you. Piss off now, man.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Watch how you talk to people.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25I don't think we're polite.
0:32:25 > 0:32:26I think we are very rude as a nation.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28We just know how to hide it well.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32Right? But there is one instance when our rudeness comes out.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36One instance when you can see how rude we really are.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38And it's public transport.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42I was on the train not too long ago, I was going to a gig,
0:32:42 > 0:32:44and the train had stopped in the middle of nowhere, right,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48like between stations and we were there for maybe like five to ten minutes, right.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50And people start panicking, like looking out the window.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52"What's going on, man? We're not moving."
0:32:52 > 0:32:56And then the announcement came from the driver.
0:32:56 > 0:32:57He went, "Ladies and gentlemen,
0:32:57 > 0:32:59"apologise for this delay to the service caused by a
0:32:59 > 0:33:02"person under a train at a station ahead."
0:33:02 > 0:33:05Now, I guarantee you, if that was anywhere else in the world,
0:33:05 > 0:33:08people would give a shit.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12They would. They'd be like, "Oh, my gosh! Under a train? That's horrific! I hope they're OK.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14"Hope they're not hurt too bad."
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- But in Britain... - LAUGHTER
0:33:17 > 0:33:20The typical British response is, "Oh, selfish prick!"
0:33:27 > 0:33:32Driver, man, just carry on. I got shit to do today, man.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Prick. Hope he dies. Leave him there.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Selfish. Very selfish people.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42I'm selfish, I'm not going to lie. I am. I'm very selfish.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46In fact, I had probably the most disgustingly selfish thought
0:33:46 > 0:33:49I've ever had in my life this year, right?
0:33:49 > 0:33:53I'm not proud, I'm ashamed of it, but at the time, it was how I felt.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55I'll share it with you guys.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Earlier this year, there was...
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Some people got arrested at Heathrow Airport.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03They were Black Lives Matter protestors, right?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05If you didn't see what happened, basically,
0:34:05 > 0:34:07people protesting on behalf of Black Lives Matter
0:34:07 > 0:34:11and they were lying down in the street and in doing so,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14they were causing traffic on the approach to Heathrow.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Now, I got stuck in that traffic. I had to go and pick up my mum.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19She was on her way back from a holiday, right?
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Now, I'm not knocking the whole Black Lives Matter movement, no.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24It's something I support, as a black person.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27I appreciate it. It's a very noble, very worthy cause.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29I think it's disgusting how black people are being
0:34:29 > 0:34:31like targeted by the police.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Obviously, black lives do matter.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- However... - LAUGHTER
0:34:45 > 0:34:50As I was sat in my car in that long queue of non-moving traffic,
0:34:50 > 0:34:54I'm not going to lie, there was a selfish part of me that was thinking,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58if the police were to take out these black guys right now...
0:34:58 > 0:34:59LAUGHTER
0:34:59 > 0:35:01..they would be doing me a huge favour.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Obviously, black lives do matter.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Just not as much as my own, innit. Right?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09I mean, I can't be late for my mum.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11If I'm late, she's going to kill me, so either way,
0:35:11 > 0:35:12someone black is going to die.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13LAUGHTER
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Rather it weren't me. Sorry.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Selfish, I'm sorry.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24I know. I know a lot of people are pretty angry that we've been having,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27you know, Black Lives Matter protests in the UK.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I was talking to one person at a gig and she was like,
0:35:30 > 0:35:32"I don't see whey we're having the protests here in the UK.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34"It's an American problem.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36"Here in the UK, we don't have racism."
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Piss off!
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Yes, we do. We just don't have guns.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43LAUGHTER
0:35:43 > 0:35:45That's what I think the big issue is.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48The whole Black Lives Matter thing, obviously race is an issue,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50but for me, personally, I do think the bigger issue
0:35:50 > 0:35:51is the American gun culture.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Right? Americans, they love their guns too much.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58Americans shoot the same way British people drink.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00At any given opportunity.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02LAUGHTER
0:36:02 > 0:36:05I think instead of tackling race, tackle the gun problem.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Take away all guns in America, replace them with water pistols.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Still a gun. Just a lot more fun.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Like, how much more fun would drive-by shootings be?
0:36:18 > 0:36:19And also, if they had water pistols,
0:36:19 > 0:36:22I guarantee there'd be no violence in the black communities.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Cos no-one's getting their hair wet.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Got to think about these things, innit.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Yeah. I did actually see one of the funniest videos I've seen from the
0:36:39 > 0:36:41whole Black Lives Matter movement.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43It was last year.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46You guys might have seen it. It went viral, this video.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49There were riots in Baltimore, right?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51And this video came out of this young kid
0:36:51 > 0:36:53who was rioting in the street
0:36:53 > 0:36:56and his mum turned up and slapped the shit out of him.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00I'm not joking. If you don't believe me, go on YouTube,
0:37:00 > 0:37:03type in the words "Baltimore riots mum."
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Right? There's a young kid, maybe about, what? 15?
0:37:05 > 0:37:07He's in the street, looting, rioting,
0:37:07 > 0:37:09just being a dick basically.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13And his mum pops out of nowhere like a ninja
0:37:13 > 0:37:16and just twats the shit out of him, man.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19"Get in from the street, boy!"
0:37:19 > 0:37:22And the mum, she's like a proper big-momma, scary-type black woman.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Like she's so scary, there's one point in the video where she goes,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27"Get your ass outta here!"
0:37:27 > 0:37:29And I logged off cos I thought she was talking to me.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31LAUGHTER
0:37:33 > 0:37:34How does she know, bruv?
0:37:34 > 0:37:36How does she know? I don't get it.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41She was good, man. I like that video.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Mums are quality.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46I saw this other story. Again, shows how good mums are.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49When I saw this story, I was pissing myself.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53You know there's been a thing in the news about young British kids who
0:37:53 > 0:37:54have been going off to Syria?
0:37:55 > 0:37:59That's not what made me piss myself, obviously.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01- Jihad! - HE LAUGHS
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Oh, jokers, man! Lads, lads, lads, lads!
0:38:04 > 0:38:05LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:10I'm pretty sure they don't say that.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Lads, lads. Mohammed, oi, oi! Lads, lads, lads.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Yeah, you know there's been this thing about young British kids,
0:38:18 > 0:38:21you know, going off to Syria, which has been stupid.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23I mean, I don't see the fascination, myself.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26You know? Young British kids, desperate to go to Syria.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30I tell you what, man, that Duke of Edinburgh Award has gone downhill.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Changed, innit. But I saw this story, right?
0:38:34 > 0:38:38It was about a woman... She was a mum and her 18-year-old son,
0:38:38 > 0:38:43he went off to Syria to join IS or
0:38:43 > 0:38:46is, or whatever they call themselves, right?
0:38:46 > 0:38:48Could be is, you never know.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51It sounds cooler, doesn't it? "We is. And we out." Right?
0:38:51 > 0:38:54LAUGHTER
0:38:54 > 0:38:57I'm guessing PR isn't top of their agenda at the moment, but you know.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01There was a mum of an 18-year-old kid, he went off to Syria to join,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03let's just call them Islamic State for now.
0:39:03 > 0:39:08Here's the cool bit. The mum went to Syria and dragged her son back home.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I think that is bloody quality.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Forget bombings and invasions,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17I think we've found a new solution to terrorism.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Just get pissed off parents to go to the Middle East
0:39:20 > 0:39:23and take their kids back home. I think that'll work, you know.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26For example, if I was a terrorist,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29and my mum or my grandma came to get me...
0:39:30 > 0:39:33- ..that would work, trust me. - LAUGHTER
0:39:33 > 0:39:36I'd be in a cave in Syria, posing with my gun...
0:39:41 > 0:39:43And then, all of a sudden, I hear...
0:39:43 > 0:39:45IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR
0:39:45 > 0:39:46"Nathan!
0:39:46 > 0:39:51LAUGHTER
0:39:54 > 0:39:55"Where you?
0:39:55 > 0:39:57IMITATES KNOCK ON DOOR
0:39:57 > 0:39:59"Me know you're in there, boy!
0:40:01 > 0:40:03"Unless you want me to come inside there
0:40:03 > 0:40:07"and embarrass you in front of your friends, bring yourself home.
0:40:07 > 0:40:08"Now!"
0:40:08 > 0:40:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:19 > 0:40:20Next thing you know,
0:40:20 > 0:40:22I'm being dragged by the ear to the local airport.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24My grandma screaming in my face,
0:40:24 > 0:40:28"Terrorist? You want to be a terrorist?
0:40:28 > 0:40:30"When we get home, me gon' show you terror!
0:40:30 > 0:40:32- "Come!" - LAUGHTER
0:40:38 > 0:40:42Solution for terrorism. You're welcome.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Yeah.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46I know you shouldn't really make jokes about terrorism
0:40:46 > 0:40:48cos it's a very sensitive subject,
0:40:48 > 0:40:49but sod it.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53No, seriously, I think it's better to laugh, you know?
0:40:53 > 0:40:56I've done jokes about terrorism at gigs before and people go,
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"Why do you make jokes about terrorism?"
0:40:58 > 0:41:00I think it's better just to laugh than be scared
0:41:00 > 0:41:01cos that's what these guys want, innit?
0:41:01 > 0:41:03They want to disrupt our way of life,
0:41:03 > 0:41:04they want us to be scared,
0:41:04 > 0:41:06so instead of being scared, let's just laugh at them,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08like the bellends that they are, you know?
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Just don't give them the satisfaction of taking away our joy.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13CHEERING
0:41:19 > 0:41:23I mean, of course, I'd never say that to their face.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25I ain't stupid, guys, come on.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Any terrorists in the house tonight?
0:41:28 > 0:41:30I know how much you guys love comedy.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Just laugh, don't be scared.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37Cos I've been scared before in the past and trust me,
0:41:37 > 0:41:39it's not funny, right?
0:41:39 > 0:41:41Happened about three years ago.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43I got a bit too caught up in the news
0:41:43 > 0:41:45and one story made me really paranoid, right?
0:41:45 > 0:41:48There was the terrorist attack in a shopping centre in Kenya.
0:41:48 > 0:41:49Right?
0:41:49 > 0:41:52I'm not laughing at it, cos obviously it was horrific, what happened.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55But what scared me was after it happened,
0:41:55 > 0:41:59the Kenyan government put out a worldwide wanted alert for who they
0:41:59 > 0:42:00thought was the ringleader.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03I don't know if anyone here remembers who it was.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06It was a white woman called Samantha Lewthwaite.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Her nickname was the White Widow.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12And that scared the crap out of me.
0:42:12 > 0:42:16Like when the most dangerous and wanted person on the planet is a white woman,
0:42:16 > 0:42:20something is terribly wrong with the world. Right?
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Is there no-one we can trust any more?
0:42:23 > 0:42:26Even white women are now a threat to security?
0:42:26 > 0:42:29And I'll be honest, for a few months after it happened,
0:42:29 > 0:42:31white women were petrifying me.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34I remember one incident in particular.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36It was late one evening, me and my little brother,
0:42:36 > 0:42:38we were on our way home from watching a football game
0:42:38 > 0:42:42and we were walking down a particularly dark street
0:42:42 > 0:42:47and then I noticed there was a white woman walking towards us.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53I bloody shit myself, man!
0:42:56 > 0:43:00What sort of backwards, twisted world are we now living in
0:43:00 > 0:43:04when two 6ft black guys
0:43:04 > 0:43:06and a white woman by herself
0:43:06 > 0:43:10are walking towards each other down a dark street
0:43:10 > 0:43:12and the two black guys cross the road, man.
0:43:12 > 0:43:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:43:23 > 0:43:25There's something wrong with that.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27Anyway, listen, you guys were lovely, man.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29I've been Nathan Caton. Take care. Cheers.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:35 > 0:43:36Nathan Caton!
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Thank you so much for coming to Live at the Apollo.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44Can we have one more round of applause for Celia Pacquola?
0:43:44 > 0:43:46CHEERING
0:43:46 > 0:43:49And Nathan Caton. CHEERING
0:43:49 > 0:43:50I'm Josh Widdicombe. Thank you very much.
0:43:50 > 0:43:51Cheers, goodnight.