0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:18 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Gina Yashere.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hammersmith Apollo,
0:00:40 > 0:00:41what's happening, people? What's happening?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Excellent. Good to be here.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47The Hammersmith Apollo.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Live At The Apollo. I'm hosting this.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54- I'm hosting this! - CHEERING
0:00:54 > 0:00:56So I'm back. I don't know if you guys know this.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I've been working a lot abroad.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Been in America quite a bit the last few years,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04back and forth between England and America.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07At the moment, I'm in New York.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09It's very similar. New York and London are very similar.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11They're similar places, they are.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15New York is just a bigger, crazier,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19filthier version of London.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Because New York is filthy.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It's filthy. It's dirty.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26It's dirty. It's filthy.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29It's dirty, filthy,
0:01:29 > 0:01:34gross, dirty,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36dirty city. It's filthy.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39It's dirty. It's dirty.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Let me tell you how dirty it is.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I got into a staring match with a rat on the subway.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51That's what I'm talking about. You know when you see a rat?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I saw this big rat. You think you can scare them away.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I went "uh" and the rat went "huh?"
0:01:58 > 0:01:59I was like, "Oh, shit. My bad, my bad."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05It's filthy. It's a filthy city,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07which is a problem for me because I am very OCD.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Like, I am super OCD. I'm a germophobe, big time.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I travel a lot as a comedian,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I stay in a lot of different hotels and things and people always say,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"Oh, it must be really good staying in all these different hotels
0:02:18 > 0:02:20"all over the world." No, not for me.
0:02:20 > 0:02:26I travel with my own bedsheets, pillow and pillowcase,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31special slippers that I only wear in hotel rooms because I don't want
0:02:31 > 0:02:34hotel floor to contaminate my floor.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Every hotel room I stay in looks like an episode of Dexter.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44I just put plastic. Plastic, plastic.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I've seen too many of those TV shows.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You know those science shows where they go,
0:02:48 > 0:02:52"We went into a hotel room and we took a swab of the mattress.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58"And we found blood, skin, faeces, and semen from a giraffe."
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Oh, my God, they let giraffes check into the Hilton! This is...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I touch nothing in a hotel room, nothing.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I wipe everything down.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I don't even touch the TV remote control in a TV hotel room.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15That's right, people. Don't touch it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16I wrap it in a shower cap.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Some of you are looking at me, like, "That's a good idea."
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Yes, it is!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29The TV remote is the filthiest part of the room.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31It's filthy. It's dirty.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35It's dirty. I tell you why.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I'll tell you why the remote control is the filthiest.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44A very large percentage of people who stay in hotels are single men.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I'm going to say that again - single men.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Travelling alone.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58All alone. Men, alone.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Alone, all alone.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Alone.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Single men alone.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06All alone.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Alone.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09And what do single men do when they're all alone?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Alone.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13What do you do, young man, when you're all alone?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18You?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Alone in the room with your ten chubby little fingers, all alone.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Don't look at her, look at me.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30You know what you're doing.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You're watching porn, you're having a wank.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36That's what you're doing.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I don't know about you but I do not want to become the first woman
0:04:40 > 0:04:43in the world to become pregnant from a remote control.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Some of you are looking at me funny.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I'm not saying I put them inside me.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Accidents do happen. Accidents!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I'm OCD. I'm a germaphobe. I have a problem using public toilets.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08I can't do it. I can't do it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Most women, we don't sit on the toilet seat anyway, do we?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12They're disgusting. They're gross.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15They're dirty. They're gross.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And they're coming out with this thing now where they have got those
0:05:18 > 0:05:20paper toilet seat covers. Have you seen these things?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23They've got these paper toilet seat covers that you pull out and put on
0:05:23 > 0:05:25the toilet seat. Have you seen what they're made from?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26It's tracing paper.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Tracing paper!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32That stuff acts like a blotter.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38You sit on that and pee, one drop of pee gets on it,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41it spreads all through the paper.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45And you get up and you've got paper stuck to your bum.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47So we don't, we don't sit on those toilets.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What do we do, ladies? What do we do?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53That's right. We hover, we squat.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Did you know we do that? Your girlfriend does this.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Look at me, sir. Look at me.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02She does this.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Every woman in the world.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Good thighs, good thighs.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10That's why when she wraps her head round your neck, you can't get out.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Look at me. Look at me!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21We squat, we pee. Straight line, sir.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Straight line. None of this deviation stuff.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Straight line. Straight down the middle.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Pee. Wipe.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Flush. That's what we do, right?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Can you do this, men?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Can you do this? No.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Only women can do this.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Only women. Because we are toilet ninjas.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Times have changed, though, times have changed.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55You know, I'm not as young as I was.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58So my aim is not what it was.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I don't know what's happened to my flaps.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Yes, I said flaps!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I can't pee in a straight line any more.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I've recently found myself peeing down the back of my thighs.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And yesterday I managed to pee on the woman in the next stall.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I've been out in the States. It's been good, it's been good.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I'm black in America, but I got this accent.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36This accent's a life-saver.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38It's a good accent to have.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Those of you that don't have it, learn it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45In fact, I'm a superhero in America.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49I'm a superhero. My superhero name is Undercover African-American.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Because they think I'm an African-American, but I'm not,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59so I use that superpower to catch racist shop owners.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05All I do is go into really expensive shops and walk around real slow.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12And sometimes I touch stuff.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I caught out this woman recently.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I was in an expensive jewellery store in Manhattan and she was
0:08:18 > 0:08:21following me around the shop. I said, "I see you, lady.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26"You've obviously made a judgment based on my outward appearance
0:08:26 > 0:08:27"and the fact that I'm wearing a cape."
0:08:33 > 0:08:34And she was very apologetic.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Very apologetic.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40She left me alone in the store to browse in peace.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And I got away with thousands of dollars' worth of jewellery.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I did it for us, black people. I did it for us.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Black lives matter. Yes.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I felt a bit of tension in the room when I said that.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I felt some white anuses just puckering up when I said that.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04I felt some puckering. I felt some puckering.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Relax, white people. Relax.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Obviously all lives matter, but not all lives are being treated equally,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15so we have to reiterate the fact that black lives matter too.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17That was the original hashtag.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That was the original hashtag, but we had to shorten the hashtag
0:09:26 > 0:09:28so we could get it on the T-shirt.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31So we just shortened it to black lives matter,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34and assumed that smart people would get it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:39There's a lot of dumb fucks out there, that's all I'm saying.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I get a lot of people shouting at me online.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"You're racist! All lives matter.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45"All lives matter. All lives."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I'm like, "Yeah, I get that. I get that." Just because
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I say "save the rainforest" doesn't mean "fuck all other trees".
0:10:06 > 0:10:08There's a lot of anti-immigrant feeling going on
0:10:08 > 0:10:11around the world right now. I'm an immigrant to America.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14My mother was an immigrant from Nigeria to England.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16And there's an immigrant mentality.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18When you have kids in a different country,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20you're a lot more ambitious for your kids.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22You want your kids to do well.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24My mum was super ambitious for us.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Super ambitious. Like, in an African family...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Any Africans in? Any Africans?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30CHEERING
0:10:30 > 0:10:33That's just for us, white people. Not you. Just for us.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41African family, you've got four choices of career -
0:10:41 > 0:10:45doctor, lawyer, engineer,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47disgrace to the family.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55My mum picked all our jobs before we were born.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59When my mum was pregnant with me, someone went up to her and went,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02"What are you having?" She was like, "I'm having a doctor."
0:11:04 > 0:11:08And that was it. She picked my subjects at school.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I was going to be a doctor. Got as far as A-level biology and we had to
0:11:11 > 0:11:13cut open a rat. Remember that? You had to cut open a rat,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17and I discovered I couldn't stand the sight of blood,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20or anything vaguely biological, so I had to switch it up.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I had to tell my mum the doctor thing wasn't going to work out,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26but it was all right. I said, "I'm going to be an engineer."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29And my mum was like, "Oh, engineer. It is on the list. OK."
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And then she turns to my younger brother.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"You will be the doctor!"
0:11:39 > 0:11:43And that's how it ran in my family.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46She wasn't impressed when I decided to become a comedian.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47That conversation didn't go very well.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Because I was an engineer, I worked as an engineer for years.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I used to work for Otis, repairing lifts.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54That's what I did, and my mum was proud.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"Yes, my daughter. She's an engineer."
0:11:58 > 0:12:01And then I left that and decided to become a comedian.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02My mum was not impressed.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07She was like, "Comedy? Comedy? What the hell is comedy?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"How am I going to tell my friends in Nigeria?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"Hey! Hey! My daughter is a clown."
0:12:19 > 0:12:23But luckily for me, within six months of starting comedy,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I got on this talent show called The Big, Big Talent Show,
0:12:27 > 0:12:28hosted by Jonathan Ross.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I got on the show. So I called my mum.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I was like, "Mum, I got through to this big talent show.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"It's going to be on TV. I'm through to the quarterfinals."
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And my mum's like, "Oh, yeah. That's good.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"Interesting. Very good. Call me when you get to the final.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48"I'm not interested in this quarterfinal, semifinal rubbish.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50"Call me for the final."
0:12:52 > 0:12:55So, sure enough I got through to the final, filmed live on television,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58live. Jonathan Ross is hosting.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And my mum comes down with her entourage,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04because my mum does not travel without a Nigerian entourage.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07So I do my set.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after my set and he sees my mum
0:13:11 > 0:13:14in the audience, which was not hard to spot.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16It is literally white people, white people, white people,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18then a bank of African royalty, just...
0:13:24 > 0:13:27So Jonathan points to my mum and goes, "Is that your mum?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"Gina's mum is in the audience."
0:13:30 > 0:13:31And I swear to God, my mum stood up like this.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41"Yes, that is right. I am the reason the clown is here.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46"I am the reason. I always knew she was going to be a clown.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"When she was three, I bought her the big shoes."
0:13:50 > 0:13:52So my mum only comes out for the big shows.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55She only comes out for the big shows, and in fact,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58my mum is here tonight. Where's my mum?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Where's my mum?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04There's my mum over there. She's here.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Look at her, standing up. Look at her. There she is.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15All right, you can sit down now, Mum.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You can sit down. This is my show, Mum.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18It's my show.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It's MY show!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Yeah, you can sit down now, Mum.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33And at that point,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I think it's time to bring on the first act of the show.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Are you guys ready?
0:14:37 > 0:14:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:45This first comedian coming on is a rising star on the comedy scene.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49She's hilarious. Give it up for the very funny Ellie Taylor.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Hello, Apollo. Are you well?
0:15:03 > 0:15:04CHEERING
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Yes. Amazing. This is lovely, isn't it?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Hello. My name's Ellie.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I got married last year.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11CHEERING
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Thank you. It's lovely being married.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Just spending the last 12 months getting used to it.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19So remembering to call myself a Mrs,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23remembering not to sleep with other people.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Apparently that one's quite important, apparently.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Don't get me wrong, right. I love my husband.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29I love my husband.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32But I also love Weetabix.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36And if someone told me that Weetabix was the only cereal
0:15:36 > 0:15:40I was allowed to eat for the rest of my life,
0:15:40 > 0:15:41pretty sure in a few years...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47..I'd want to fuck another man.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Don't get me wrong, right. Don't get me wrong.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Monogamy is really long, guys.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And I get from an evolutionary point of view it's better for us to be
0:15:59 > 0:16:02paired up to do the basic things in life.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05You know, like raise children or collect air miles.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06I get that.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11But I just feel like I've got so many wild oats that I want to sow.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I know some of you might think that's quite a male turn of phrase.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Uh-uh, not true.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18I got oats, babe.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I got oats for days.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I got so many backed-up oats, I could shit a flapjack.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37And I get not all women feel that way.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I understand not all women are madly into sex.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I've got plenty of girlfriends who are like, "Oh, God.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Steve's birthday tomorrow.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"Fingers crossed a documentary about sharks comes on
0:16:51 > 0:16:52"and he gets distracted."
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I've always been quite sexually aware, but it's never translated
0:16:59 > 0:17:04into what I would call, you know, a slaggy period.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06So I feel like I've got a lot of inner banging
0:17:06 > 0:17:08that I need to get out of my system.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Because I really haven't slept with many people, I really haven't.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17So in my 22 years on this planet plus another ten years...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25..I have only slept with six people, which isn't very many.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27So I got to the point that my friends are sleeping with
0:17:27 > 0:17:31so many more guys, they're having to keep lists to keep track.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35God, imagine being that sexually experienced it involves admin.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41That's an Excel spreadsheet I could get behind.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Honestly, I know girls from school who have outscored me
0:17:45 > 0:17:48on a single trip to the toilet in The Slug And Lettuce.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53So the reason I haven't slept with many people is because,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56when I was younger, I suffered from this condition
0:17:56 > 0:18:00where I would go out with knobheads for years at a time.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Like the last one. Total disaster, right.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09We had nothing in common.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I'm from Essex, born in Basildon, and this guy was super posh.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15He had more middle names than I've had sexual partners.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18So eventually I broke up with him, and I was like,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22"For the first time in my life, I can have my slaggy period."
0:18:22 > 0:18:26So I made a pact with myself that the first hot guy I bumped into
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I was going to chat up and seduce, right.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31So this happened a few days later. I was in a lift in central London.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Hot guy got in a lift with me.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I saw him and I thought, "Hello.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38"Victim numero uno.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43"Let's get this party started.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"I hope you like flapjacks."
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Amazing I haven't slept with many people, isn't it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54So hot guy gets in the lift.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57He presses level one.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58We're only on the ground floor.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00He's only going up one level. Lazy.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05So I think, "Ellie, say something flirty to him."
0:19:05 > 0:19:09So I said, "You're only going up one level. Lazy."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14You've either got it or you haven't, guys.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Hot guy laughs. I'm like, "Oh, here we go.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Shag, shag, shag. Bang, bang, bang. Oats, oats, oats."
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Hot guy puts out his hand to introduce himself.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26"Hi. My name's Phil."
0:19:26 > 0:19:29And six years later, I married him.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31CHEERING
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You know what that means, guys?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40My entire slaggy period
0:19:40 > 0:19:44consisted of ground floor to first floor in a fricking lift.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Gutted!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50My wedding was quite unusual, actually,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52because you might not know this about me - I'm a full-time comedian
0:19:52 > 0:19:56but I'm also a part-time professional feminist icon.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I'm in a job share with Sandi Toksvig.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Like all feminist icons,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04I'm obviously extremely politically knowledgeable,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07like, loads, babe. So I decided to use my wedding
0:20:07 > 0:20:10to investigate a political issue, right?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14And the political issue I decided to investigate was immigration.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17So what I did, guys, what I did - I married an immigrant.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I know. Immersive, isn't it?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24I'm basically Louis Theroux.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It was a bit tricky at the beginning.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I was like, "Oh, God. What does it eat?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35"No, don't give it milk and bread.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37"It can't have that. Oh, no, that's hedgehogs, isn't it?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41"As you were. Flat palm, flat palm."
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Now my immigrant, he is Australian themed.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52But they also come in other flavours, they do.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54They also come - don't know if you know this -
0:20:54 > 0:20:57with different outfits you can change. Great fun.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Sometimes I put my one in a suit.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I'm like, "Oh! Smart immigrant."
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Sometimes I put him in a pair of trainers.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"Oh, casual immigrant!"
0:21:09 > 0:21:15Sometimes I put him in a job that a British person can't or won't do.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"Typical bloody immigrant!"
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Get your own. There's loads of them.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Honestly, he's probably the best accessory I've ever had,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35and I own a Taser.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40So, no, it's really nice being married.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I like it. I feel like it's turned me into a woman.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I know it's turned me into a woman because I've started buying candles.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Bitches love candles though, don't they? Bitches love candles.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55They're so expensive though. The fancy ones, the Jo Malone ones,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I've worked out it's actually better value and you can get
0:21:58 > 0:22:01the same effect if you set fire to a £20 note and sniff a fig roll.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Not just candles am I buying, though, guys.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Buying other little bits for the house.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I call them trinkets.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Australian husband calls them,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17"Great, another bit of tat with a shit quote on."
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's not true, they're essentials.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25How else am I supposed to remember to dance like nobody is watching?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Unless I have a piece of driftwood to remind me to?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Essentials.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But my sister says the reason I like all this stuff
0:22:36 > 0:22:37is because I'm nesting.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39She thinks that's really good.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41She's like, "You need to have a baby.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"You need to have a baby so you've got someone to look after you
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"when you're old."
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I'm like, "Hang on. Isn't that what the NHS is for?"
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Unless the NHS is that screwed that by the time I'm old,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57you literally have had to give birth to your own medical professional.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01"Push, push! Oh, congratulations, it's an oncologist."
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Cos I'm not sure about having kids right now,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08so it means I'm very aware of my contraception.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12So I've done all the research for you. So the pill, 99% effective.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Condoms, 99% effective.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Eating a large Indian takeaway and then going,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"Oh, look how pregnant I look,"
0:23:21 > 0:23:23100% effective!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28But my view on kids actually helped me become a little bit
0:23:28 > 0:23:31of an internet sensation earlier this year.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33There was this thing on Facebook, I don't know if you saw it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It was called the Motherhood Challenge.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37So mums were putting up five photos of themselves
0:23:37 > 0:23:40that made them proud to be a mother.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43So there were pictures of, like, little Ken on the beach.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Little Ken trying avocado for the first time.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Little Ken asking, "What kind of a name is Ken for a toddler?!"
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Lovely, lovely, lovely.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Now, I do not have a problem with anyone being proud to be a parent.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58I just saw a lot of this stuff,
0:23:58 > 0:23:59thought I'm going to do the opposite.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I did the non-motherhood challenge.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07I posted five photos of myself that made me proud not to be a mother.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Four of those were pictures of me asleep.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:19 > 0:24:24And the fifth one was of me asleep holding a bottle of wine.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Really, really silly, right.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Whacked it up on Facebook, didn't really think any more about it.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34For some reason it went bananas, right.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35It went viral, got shared a gazillion times,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37went all the way round the world.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41At one point I became Woman Of The Week on a Swahili parenting blog.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45And it was really interesting seeing
0:24:45 > 0:24:47the different responses I got back to it.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50The first lot of people to write on my Facebook page were women like me
0:24:50 > 0:24:54without children saying things like, "Oh, Ellie, thanks for giving us,
0:24:54 > 0:24:55"the childless, a voice."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I was like, "No worries, babes, you're welcome."
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And then I got some other replies and I printed them out here.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08So, I got some replies from some mothers. That was quite interesting.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Like this lady. We'll call her Mummy Number One.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16She said, "You don't understand what it feels like to become a mother,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"you fucking superficial basic bitch."
0:25:18 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Mummy Number One!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28So maternal, isn't she?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Then what happened is other childless women started defending me
0:25:35 > 0:25:37against the cross mums.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39So there was this lady who piped up, very angry.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43We'll call her Outraged From Kent.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44She said, "Why is this funny?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48"Don't mock the ones who choose to be parents. Very tasteless."
0:25:48 > 0:25:51So then an American lady came in to my rescue.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Now, see if you can work out why I think she's American.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Jesus Christ, woman!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"No-one owes you an explanation.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"Nobody has time for another butt-hurt Mommy!"
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Outraged From Kent comes back rather sensibly with,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13"What on earth is a butt-hurt mommy?"
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Nobody knows, nobody knows.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Then other cross mums started replying to me,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20but these mums were from different countries,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23so they were insulting me in different languages.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Don't worry, guys, Facebook translates it for us
0:26:25 > 0:26:27so we didn't miss out.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30There was this lady from Mexico.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Now when it says "it", I think it means "she".
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"No wonder it does not have children."
0:26:40 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"Look at its big teeth."
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Gracias, amigo Mexico.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03But this is all saved by the final group who replied to me
0:27:03 > 0:27:04and they made everything better.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07They were led by a man called Alessandro.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10And Alessandro says,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"As an Italian...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15"I need to know...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"what kind of wine is that?"
0:27:18 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Guys, you have been an absolute dream come true.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Thank you so much. I'm Ellie Taylor. Thank you!
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Ellie Taylor!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43WHOOPING
0:27:48 > 0:27:52I ain't got any kids. Kids scare me. They know too much stuff.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54I think the internet has ruined childhood.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58They know everything. There's nothing you can hide from them.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Nothing!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Like, kids are now bullying each other online.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Have you heard about this? Cyber bullying.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Have you heard this? Cyber bullying.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Kids nowadays are too fat and lazy to punch each other in the face.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Now school bullies are taking their money by PayPal.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29The internet has ruined childhood, it's ruined it!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Things that we didn't have that they have now.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Like, when I was a kid, we didn't have paedophiles.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40No, we didn't. We had flashers.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Who remembers flashers?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Do you remember flashers, little boy in the front?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51You've got no idea, have you?
0:28:51 > 0:28:53- What's your name?- Craig.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Craig, we didn't have paedophiles when I was a kid. We had flashers.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Do you know what flashers are? Do you know what they are, Craig?
0:28:59 > 0:29:02I'll tell you what they are. We'd be skipping home from school...
0:29:04 > 0:29:09Cos that's what we did in the old days, Craig, we skipped.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13This was a form of transport when I was a kid.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15LAUGHTER
0:29:19 > 0:29:21We'd be skipping home from school, Craig,
0:29:21 > 0:29:23and there'd be an old man hiding in a bush, just...
0:29:33 > 0:29:38And you'd skip past him and he'd jump out of the bush, Craig,
0:29:38 > 0:29:43and he'd have nothing on but a coat, just a coat, a mac.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45And he'd open the mac as you skipped past.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47He'd come at you like that, "Agh!"
0:29:48 > 0:29:51LAUGHTER
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- And you'd be like that... - SHE SCREAMS
0:30:01 > 0:30:03And then you'd skip home as fast as you could.
0:30:10 > 0:30:15And you'd tell all your friends and family that you'd been flashed.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And that was exciting, Craig.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21That was entertainment.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26You'd get home and you'd go, "Guess what, guess what!"
0:30:26 > 0:30:29"What? What?" "I got flashed." "No!"
0:30:29 > 0:30:33"Yeah. I was skipping home from school and an old man jumped out
0:30:33 > 0:30:35"of a bush and flashed me."
0:30:37 > 0:30:40"Oh, my days!
0:30:41 > 0:30:43"That must've been horrible for you."
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Let's go back there and see if he's still there."
0:30:49 > 0:30:52LAUGHTER
0:30:56 > 0:31:00Ah! Are you guys ready for your next comedian?
0:31:00 > 0:31:02WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:31:05 > 0:31:08This next comedian coming on is hilarious.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10I'm looking forward to seeing him.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14He is from Australia and he's very, very weird.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Give it up for Sam Simmons!
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Woo!
0:31:27 > 0:31:30Oh, right, hello, Apollo!
0:31:30 > 0:31:32WHOOPING
0:31:32 > 0:31:33We'll address this straightaway.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37I'm well aware that I look like a Super Mario Brother
0:31:37 > 0:31:40had sex with a Spaniard at Betfred, but that's...
0:31:40 > 0:31:42that's the look I'm going for tonight, people.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44It gets worse though, look at this.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46LAUGHTER
0:31:47 > 0:31:53I look like all the faces from the children's board game Guess Who?...
0:31:54 > 0:31:58..condensed into one head.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03All right, well, enough of what my head looks like on the outside,
0:32:03 > 0:32:06let's see what it looks like on the inside. Let's go.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09- VOICEOVER:- 'Uh, Do you like bread?' - Yeah, bread's all right.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- 'Do you, like, fully get into it?' - Not fully.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15What are you talking about, what are you talking about again?
0:32:15 > 0:32:17- 'Bread.'- Yeah, I know bread, mate, I know bread.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21- 'Oh, you know bread?'- Well, I don't know bread, I like toast.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23- 'I like toast.' - Yeah, toast is good, eh?
0:32:23 > 0:32:25'Yeah, I fully get into bread.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27- 'I like bread when...' - DISCO MUSIC
0:32:27 > 0:32:31'I...good...uh...near bread.'
0:32:31 > 0:32:34What are you talking about, mate, what are you going on about?
0:32:34 > 0:32:36- What's going on?- 'Bread.' - Yeah, I know bread!
0:32:36 > 0:32:38What's going on with this disco music, man?
0:32:38 > 0:32:41What's with the music?!
0:32:41 > 0:32:42'Uh, it's for the bread.'
0:32:42 > 0:32:45What do you mean, "It's for the bread"?
0:32:45 > 0:32:47'Uh, when you're putting on bread shoes.'
0:32:47 > 0:32:49You should've just said putting on bread shoes.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52'Uh...bread shoes.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- 'Oh, yeah. This one's going out... - # Bread shoes... #
0:32:54 > 0:32:58'..to all the ladies out there who like to wear bread on their feet.'
0:32:58 > 0:33:00# Bread shoes... #
0:33:00 > 0:33:01Ah.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04LAUGHTER
0:33:04 > 0:33:07# Put on the bread shoes!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15# Bread shoes, bread shoes. #
0:33:22 > 0:33:24MUSIC STOPS
0:33:24 > 0:33:25Heads up!
0:33:27 > 0:33:29They're nice.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31So that's the vibe we're going for, ladies and gentlemen. That's it.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33LAUGHTER
0:33:33 > 0:33:36It's niche, it's niche stuff.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39I'm a strong flavour - I'm like the coriander of comedy, deal with it.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Hey, this is a fun thing to do.
0:33:43 > 0:33:44This is a good, fun thing to do
0:33:44 > 0:33:46when you get poor customer service from someone.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49If someone's being an arsehole to you behind the counter
0:33:49 > 0:33:53and you go to get your change back, OK, don't go like that,
0:33:53 > 0:33:54just go like that.
0:33:56 > 0:33:5740% of the time, all of the time
0:33:57 > 0:34:01they'll try to balance the coins on top of your hand,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03and don't break eye contact.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04It's like, "Yes, yes, yes."
0:34:06 > 0:34:07It's a fun thing to do.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Next time you go to one of those shit shops like Poundland,
0:34:09 > 0:34:13or PoundLUND if you're in Scotland - sorry, the North.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15They've always got shit names, you know those shit shops,
0:34:15 > 0:34:17I call them the shit shop back at home.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20They've always got stupid names like Priceslap and Bargainsluts.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Anyway...
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Go into one of those shops and look for the most redundant item
0:34:26 > 0:34:27you can find. It's not hard,
0:34:27 > 0:34:30those shops are just full of shit you do not need.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Like an oven mitt slash alarm clock, you know what I mean?
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Wander on in, find something really ridiculous that you do not need.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Like, I went into one shop in Adelaide and I walked in there
0:34:40 > 0:34:43and I found myself a ceramic reindeer standing on top of, like,
0:34:43 > 0:34:47a grassy mound with a thermometer just coming up off the side.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51You know, how you get a reindeer thermometer heaps quick?
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Make sure there's a few on the shelf, make sure there's about
0:34:53 > 0:34:5620 there, get out of the shop, OK, once you've found your shit item,
0:34:56 > 0:34:58wander back about a week later.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Go straight in, right to the person behind the counter, and go,
0:35:00 > 0:35:02"Excuse me, I was wondering if you can help me,
0:35:02 > 0:35:04"I'm looking for something maybe in a reindeer."
0:35:04 > 0:35:06"It doesn't have to be a reindeer, mind you,
0:35:06 > 0:35:08"it could be any type of ungulate or hooved animal.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11"The catch is it's got to have some measurement of weather
0:35:11 > 0:35:12"attached to the side of it."
0:35:13 > 0:35:14This guy lost his mind.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17He's like, "Oh, my God, I've got exactly that item!"
0:35:17 > 0:35:19LAUGHTER
0:35:19 > 0:35:22When he brings it back, though, just hold it and go,
0:35:22 > 0:35:25"Yeah, it's kind of like what I was looking for...
0:35:26 > 0:35:28"..it's just not for me, though."
0:35:30 > 0:35:31I like doing this stuff to people.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33It's not right. I like doing this at airports.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36You know when you hear someone's running late for a plane and you
0:35:36 > 0:35:39hear that announcement over the PA. It's like, "Cameron James,
0:35:39 > 0:35:41"please get to gate number nine, please.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"Cameron James, your plane's about to depart, please, Cameron James."
0:35:44 > 0:35:46You see someone sprinting through the airport.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Now take a punt, that's probably Cameron James.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52So as he's there sprinting along, just yell out, "Cameron James!"
0:35:52 > 0:35:53and they'll be like this...
0:35:56 > 0:35:57"Just keep running!
0:35:59 > 0:36:03"Keep running, Cameron James, you'll miss your flight!"
0:36:03 > 0:36:06It's a safe thing to do cos they can't stop to argue
0:36:06 > 0:36:08cos they've got to get on a plane.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11And then just keep heckling as they're running away, like,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"Yeah, you better run!
0:36:14 > 0:36:18"Fly, Cameron James, run, fly, fly into the sky,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20"fly like a free-range chicken!"
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Wafer-thin narrative. How cool are chickens?
0:36:26 > 0:36:28I feel bad for chickens, I really do.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30I mean, you know, if everything tastes like chicken,
0:36:30 > 0:36:32why don't we just not eat chickens more?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36You know, when you walk past, like, a chicken shop on the high street,
0:36:36 > 0:36:40they've always got a mascot chicken in a window, like a cartoon chicken
0:36:40 > 0:36:42just having heaps of fun, you know what I mean?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44I saw a really elaborate one in western Sydney,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46it was really elaborate, OK.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48It was a cartoon chicken and he was driving a convertible sports car
0:36:48 > 0:36:51and he had on a top hat with a monocle.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53And he had the kind of look on his face like,
0:36:53 > 0:36:57"Hey, things couldn't get any better, I'm a wealthy chicken."
0:36:57 > 0:37:01I think this seriously misrepresents the experience for the actual bird.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05I think this is how they lure chickens into chicken shops,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07like a chicken will be over on the other side of the road going,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10"Hey, Rowan, look at that chicken in the window there.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13"He's doing really well, he's got a sports car."
0:37:13 > 0:37:15This is why they cross roads, ladies and gentlemen.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18LAUGHTER
0:37:18 > 0:37:22Then they...go into the chicken shop not realising there's a sniper
0:37:22 > 0:37:24hiding behind the cash register.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26And bang! McNuggets.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33All right, guys, it's going to get weird now.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35This next piece is called Things That Shit Me.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38These are things that piss me off. Let's go.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40'Things that shit me.'
0:37:40 > 0:37:43UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:37:43 > 0:37:44'When you walk into a room
0:37:44 > 0:37:48'and then you forget why you walked in there in the first place.'
0:37:52 > 0:37:54LAUGHTER
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Oh, yeah...
0:37:59 > 0:38:01'Things that shit me.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04'Having to hug people that you don't know very well.'
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Not you, get in here!
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Mwah!
0:38:13 > 0:38:14'Things that shit me.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18'When you meet a strange Mexican person named Pablo
0:38:18 > 0:38:20'and he starts being all weird.'
0:38:22 > 0:38:24LAUGHTER
0:38:24 > 0:38:25Shh!
0:38:30 > 0:38:32'Things that shit me.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34'Waiters that ask you how your food is while you're
0:38:34 > 0:38:36'still chewing the food.'
0:38:36 > 0:38:38AUDIENCE GROANS
0:38:38 > 0:38:39'Are you enjoying the food?'
0:38:39 > 0:38:41It's delicious, now fuck off!
0:38:44 > 0:38:46'Things that shit me.
0:38:46 > 0:38:51'This picture book of kittens which was first published in 1972.'
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Now the sad thing about this book here is
0:38:53 > 0:38:56if it was first published in 1972, they're all dead now.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59It's just a book of dead cats.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Dead, dead, dead.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06Everyone of them's dead.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Dead, dead, dead - they're all dead!
0:39:13 > 0:39:15'Things that shit me.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20'Those people who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops.'
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Do you guys got croissants?
0:39:25 > 0:39:27LAUGHTER
0:39:28 > 0:39:30'Things that shit me.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33'Really confusing television commercials.'
0:39:33 > 0:39:34GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
0:39:34 > 0:39:41"Reliability, integrity, inspiration, synergy, refreshment,
0:39:41 > 0:39:44"be who you are. The Waffle House."
0:39:44 > 0:39:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:46 > 0:39:49'Things that shit me.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53'Pigeons. Especially when pigeons catch up with one another.'
0:39:53 > 0:39:54"Ooh."
0:39:56 > 0:39:57"Ooh."
0:39:58 > 0:40:00"Ooh!"
0:40:00 > 0:40:02"Ooh-hoo-hoo!"
0:40:02 > 0:40:03"Ooh."
0:40:03 > 0:40:05"Ooh, apologise."
0:40:05 > 0:40:07"Uhh!"
0:40:09 > 0:40:12'Things that shit me. Teenagers.'
0:40:12 > 0:40:14I saw a group of underage teenagers
0:40:14 > 0:40:16waiting at the front of Tesco the other day
0:40:16 > 0:40:18and they asked me to go buy them some beer.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I thought, "Hey, yeah, why not? I already look like this."
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Anyway, when I came back I found out
0:40:23 > 0:40:27they were just really lazy 23-year-olds. Let's go.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29'Things that shit me. Sadness.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33'When you get kind of sad and you feel sadness.'
0:40:33 > 0:40:36SLOW PIANO NOTES 'Sadness.'
0:40:39 > 0:40:41'Sadness.'
0:40:41 > 0:40:43CHANGES BACK TO UPBEAT MUSIC
0:40:43 > 0:40:47'Things that shit me. My impression of a very erotic cat.'
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Tss! Tss! Tss!
0:40:49 > 0:40:54Tss! Tss! Tss! Tss! Tss!
0:40:54 > 0:40:58'Things that shit me. My impression of a little shy guy.'
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Stop it... "You think you're so good."
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Shut up, I do not, stop that. "Yes, you do." I do not, stop it.
0:41:03 > 0:41:04"You do, you think you're so good."
0:41:04 > 0:41:07I don't think I'm so good, stop it, you stop it.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10"You stop it." You stop it first! "You stop it." You stop it!
0:41:10 > 0:41:13You little shy guy. I'm not shy, I just get a little bit weird
0:41:13 > 0:41:15in front of 3,000 people I don't know.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19What? Stop looking at me, stop that! Please stop.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Please don't stop, please don't stop.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23'Things that shit me.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27'That time I confused going on a trip to Legoland
0:41:27 > 0:41:29'with a leg of lamb.'
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Uh?
0:41:31 > 0:41:33'Things that shit me.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36'The fact that I can never be a gardener or a horticulturalist
0:41:36 > 0:41:41'because if I hold up a pot plant like this, I look like a sex pest.'
0:41:42 > 0:41:45LAUGHTER
0:41:45 > 0:41:47What? Stop it!
0:41:47 > 0:41:49'Things that shit me.'
0:41:49 > 0:41:52POP MUSIC PLAYS
0:42:05 > 0:42:08LAUGHTER
0:42:09 > 0:42:11I feel it, man!
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Come on, just let me get over there.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19I've got to get...
0:42:19 > 0:42:21Come on.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24It's all right... I'm trying get back here.
0:42:24 > 0:42:25It's fine, it's fine.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Come on, come on.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36Come on, come on, just get in there.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38Just get it... It's not real.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51'Things that shit me. Me!'
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Thank you very much, the Apollo!
0:42:54 > 0:42:55Thank you!
0:42:58 > 0:43:03- Sam Simmons!- I've got too much stuff to pick up!
0:43:03 > 0:43:05I've got too much stuff.
0:43:05 > 0:43:06Get your stuff, Sam.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Take that massive cock with you.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11- Take it.- You do know, that's...?
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Just in case you're wondering, there you are.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16- Sam Simmons!- Thank you.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23You guys have been fantastic tonight.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25You've seen myself, Gina Yashere.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28You've seen Ellie Taylor and Sam Simmons.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30Thanks for coming to Live At The Apollo!
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Good night! Thank you, good night.