0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:17 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Adam Hills!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Hello, Apollo!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40For those of you who don't know, my hair...
0:00:40 > 0:00:42OK, I lost a bet...
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERING ..with the British Paralympic team.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48I bet them they wouldn't win more medals than the Australian
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Paralympic team. They did.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I now have a Union Jack on my head. CHEERING
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I said if they won the bet I'd paint a Union Jack on my head.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02They won the bet, so...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I know. I look like Nigel Farage's wet dream.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It's appalling. People have asked me how long I'm going to keep it
0:01:14 > 0:01:17and the answer is until I have to do a show in Belfast.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:23And yeah, you love beating Australia at shit, don't you?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25CHEERING You love beating Australians.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I remember... I first found that out when you beat us
0:01:28 > 0:01:29in the Rugby World Cup.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32And I was in a place called Newcastle upon Tyne and it came time
0:01:32 > 0:01:35to sing the national anthem and there were only ten Aussies in this pub.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And we all got up and sang our anthem,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40which I'm sure you're aware is, "I come from a land down under."
0:01:40 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:45And then the English got up and sang your anthem
0:01:45 > 0:01:47and then you didn't just stop at the anthem.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51You started singing offensive chants at us
0:01:51 > 0:01:55that would have been racist if they weren't so musical.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56It started with...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59# We get three dollars to the pound! #
0:01:59 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER When you're heckling the exchange
0:02:02 > 0:02:05rate, that's inventive, right?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06And finished with...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# Get your shit stars Get your shit stars
0:02:08 > 0:02:11# Get your shit stars off our flag. #
0:02:11 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Even your sign language is racist.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'm not sure if you know, I do shows with sign interpreters
0:02:22 > 0:02:23and I've learnt a little bit of sign language
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and the signs that you use for different countries... OK,
0:02:26 > 0:02:27this is the sign for England.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Now, it's lovely, it's the letter E.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36There is another sign for England, by the way, which I love,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38which is this.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER And it's this because it's
0:02:40 > 0:02:41the strap on a bobby's helmet.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Which is lovely but confusing cos this is England,
0:02:45 > 0:02:47this is lesbian.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:53England, lesbian. England, lesbian.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I mean, you don't want to get those two confused.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59You don't want to go out to a club, pick up two girls, take them home, find out they're both English!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Here's where it starts getting slightly offensive.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11The sign for Ireland, the English sign language for Ireland,
0:03:11 > 0:03:12British Sign Language, is this.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER And if you ask a British person,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20they'll say, "Oh, it's the shamrock, it's a shamrock in my pocket, sticking out like that."
0:03:20 > 0:03:21No, it's not. It's English
0:03:21 > 0:03:24people going, "Oh, God, there seem to be Irish people on me."
0:03:24 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:28But the worst is Australian.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30This is the British Sign Language sign
0:03:30 > 0:03:33that you lot use for my country.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35It's not that.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:38No, I've taken the top off!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Well, that's how I got two kids.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49This is the British Sign Language sign for Australia.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:59 > 0:04:00That is you lot saying,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"Well, we've picked the dirty scum up and we've put them over there."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07And the thing is we do kind of bond, Australians and Brits,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and I think it's because we come from the same stock.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Even the Australian accent, as far as I can see,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14is just the convict cockney accent slowed down because of the heat.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER 200 years ago convicts got off ships in Australia just going,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22"Bloody hell, that was a long bloody journey, three bloody weeks, the other side of bloody planet, where
0:04:22 > 0:04:24"are we now? I don't know - but it's a bit...hot."
0:04:24 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Now, before I go any further, I do have to point out there is a bit of
0:04:36 > 0:04:38weirdness going on at the bottom of my leg here.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41For those of you who don't know, I have a prosthetic foot.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Which is no big deal, normally it doesn't stick out.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46But last year I was fitted with one of those really cool blades.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I don't know if you can see that. One of those, like, running blades that they have.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53AUDIENCE CHEERS Yeah, I was pretty excited by that. The only problem with having a blade
0:04:53 > 0:04:56is, when you tell people you've got a blade, they go, "Oh, you mean like...?" And you go,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"Yeah, him. Yeah, that guy. Yeah." LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:04OK, we'll just move... See, that was the thing. I always hid my foot
0:05:04 > 0:05:06when I was a kid. I always kept it hidden, because I didn't know anyone
0:05:06 > 0:05:08cool that looked cool
0:05:08 > 0:05:10with a cool prosthetic. And then I got the chance to get a blade
0:05:10 > 0:05:12and I went, "Yeah, finally I'm going to look cool."
0:05:12 > 0:05:16And then Oscar Pistorius fucked it up for all of us!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I mean, clearly I'm the least damaged of all the people
0:05:21 > 0:05:24that he's come into contact with, but still!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Do you know what I mean? Finally I get a blade and then he...
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Oh! Now I know how Charlie Chaplin felt when Hitler started using his
0:05:32 > 0:05:34tiny moustache. LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Cos now what I thought was going to be cool is just an
0:05:40 > 0:05:42object of ridicule. And now people just make jokes.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I go, "Oh, I've got a blade, and they go, "Oh, better lock the bathroom door!"
0:05:45 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:51OK, of all... Jimmy Carr.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I saw Jimmy Carr a couple of weeks ago, and I said, "Oh, look at this,
0:05:54 > 0:05:55"I've got a blade. And he said, "Oh!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"South African eBay, was it?"
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Do you know what? I don't care what's happened. I think it looks cool.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I'm going to own it. It sticks out the bottom of my trousers,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08but I don't care. I'm just going to happily let it stick out there
0:06:08 > 0:06:10cos I think it looks cool.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Yeah!
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Yeah. Yeah. You all say that but the old lady in Basingstoke that came up
0:06:17 > 0:06:20to me recently after a show didn't think the same.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22These were her exact words.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"I know you think it looks cool,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"but from the audience it just looks like one long testicle is hanging
0:06:28 > 0:06:32"down the bottom of your trousers."
0:06:32 > 0:06:34This guy here. I'm going to go for this guy here.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35How old are you there, sir?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- I'm 50.- 50.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39All right. I'm a few years behind you but I reckon we're probably at
0:06:39 > 0:06:42the same point in our lives. Ah, which is,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45we need to start living healthier but we haven't had the scare
0:06:45 > 0:06:46that forces us to do it yet!
0:06:48 > 0:06:49And what's your name, sir?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Andy.- Andy. Do you know what turns me off being healthy?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Talking to healthy people.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58They are the dullest human beings in any room.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02And well done, man clapping over there.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05If you're healthy, shut up, no-one needs to hear about it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08CHEERING And the thing is, I know when you're
0:07:08 > 0:07:11being healthy it makes you feel good and you want to tell everyone but no-one needs to hear it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I've got friends that just go on for hours, "Oh, my God, Adam,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"all I do is eat kale and drink my own urine."
0:07:16 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"I don't care." "But I've got so much more energy than you!"
0:07:20 > 0:07:23"Yeah, cos you've just drained most of mine!"
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"I'm going to live ten years longer than you, Adam."
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"Yeah, but I'm going to die surrounded by friends."
0:07:36 > 0:07:40And you don't need to do that much. All you need to do is... A friend of mine said to me recently, "Have you
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"lost weight?" I went, "Yeah, I think I have." He said, "What have you done?" And before
0:07:43 > 0:07:47I could answer, all he said was, "Don't tell me all you've done is just eat less and exercise more."
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I went, "Yeah, I think I did." And he went, "Ah, shit, now I have to do that!"
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Cos we all want to think there's this amazing diet out there that we
0:07:53 > 0:07:57just haven't found that's going to cure all of us. All you need to do is just do some push-ups
0:07:57 > 0:07:58and eat less shit.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But no-one makes money at that, so they invent things like the Paleo Diet.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Have you heard of a thing called the Paleo Diet?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Right, I'm going to explain it to you... Do you know what the Paleo Diet is, Andy?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Nor should you. I'm going to explain it to you the way I explained it to
0:08:11 > 0:08:13my 98-year-old grandfather who eats nothing but sausages,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15and no-one's declared that a superfood yet.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:2198 years old, my grandad said "What's the Paleo Diet, Adam?"
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I said, "Well, Grandad, the Paleo Diet is this.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27"You eat nothing but meat, fruit, vegetables and nuts."
0:08:27 > 0:08:28And he went, "Ah.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"In my day, we used to call that eating."
0:08:31 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER Cos it's bullshit.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37It's just a made-up diet and they call it the Paleo Diet because it's
0:08:37 > 0:08:39based on what Palaeolithic man used to eat.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Cos apparently he was skinny.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Of course he was skinny, he had to hunt his own food!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER You'd be skinny too if it took you
0:08:46 > 0:08:48three days to track down a lasagne.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Now look, the truth is the only reason I've started being healthy is cos my wife
0:08:54 > 0:08:56recently told me I needed to be a bit healthier.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58She didn't use those words.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Her exact words were, "You've really let yourself go."
0:09:03 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER Now I'm going to...
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Have you ever had that, Andy? Do you have a partner?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You do. Is your partner here?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12She's not, she's at home. Has she ever said you've let yourself go?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Yep. OK. Here's what I've learnt.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16There's a right and a wrong way to respond to that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20And the words are exactly the same for the right way and the wrong way. It's just the inflection you use
0:09:20 > 0:09:24that makes them right or wrong. I'll show you what I mean, everyone. OK. This is the right way to respond
0:09:24 > 0:09:27when your partner says you've really let yourself go.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Yeah.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Yeah, I've really let myself go.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33This is the wrong way to respond.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Yeah, I'VE really let MYSELF go?!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER You see?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Can you see the difference there? It's slow.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Yeah. Yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It's tough times, tough times in our house at the moment...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49..since I first started doing that joke.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I've got two kids, I've got two kids. And I was not ready for the
0:09:53 > 0:09:55strain it puts on a relationship.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57And part of it comes down to who's in charge.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Because I like to help out.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01My wife's got her way of doing things and I've got my way of doing
0:10:01 > 0:10:05things, and when those things are different, who's right and who's wrong and who has final say?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Now, I don't know who to talk to about this cos I grew
0:10:07 > 0:10:10up in the '70s, when dads weren't hands-on but entertainers were.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14So... LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Hey.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21All I'm saying is it's good to see an Australian one-legged entertainer
0:10:21 > 0:10:23with an extra one doing well in Britain.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Now.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And so it's this weird thing. So my wife and I -
0:10:29 > 0:10:30and I know all parents do this -
0:10:30 > 0:10:33we all clash over who's right and who's wrong.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35And then every now and then, look, I see a single parent on the street
0:10:35 > 0:10:39and just look at them struggling with three kids and think, "Oh, my God.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"Must be so much easier without someone telling you you're doing it wrong."
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER Cos...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Are there any single parents here tonight?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Yes - down here. You are, ma'am?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Single parents are absolute heroes.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51And I genuinely believe this. And...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I want to apologise for everything I ever thought about single parents.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Cos I used to look at single parents on the street yelling at their kids and I'd...
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And I know this is wrong, I used to look at them and go, "Oh, my God.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"No wonder you're single." AUDIENCE MURMURS
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I know this is wrong. "Oh, you're an arsehole."
0:11:05 > 0:11:08But now I look at single parents on the street and go,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"Oh, my God. Children turn you into an arsehole!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Cos I remember sitting in a cafe in the middle of England,
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I was doing a show and it was the afternoon
0:11:17 > 0:11:19and I was having a nice cup of tea.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20And I remember watching this woman
0:11:20 > 0:11:23and this is how much my views on the world have changed.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I remember watching this woman walking across the street and she
0:11:25 > 0:11:27had three bags of shopping and her son's schoolbag,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and he was about seven,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31and she was walking across a zebra crossing.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33And this is how he was walking.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36She was walking across and he was doing this. He was going...
0:11:36 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Landing on each white line as he went.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45And I was watching him, thinking, "Yeah, you embrace life, kid,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"you embrace life. And his mum turned to him and just went,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49"Oh, walk sensibly."
0:11:49 > 0:11:53And I remember sitting there thinking, "You bitch."
0:11:53 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER "You absolute bitch.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56"That kid is seven.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00"That kid is seven. He is turning crossing the road into an adventure.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"He is living every second of life and making everything fun.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06"Leave him alone. Let him have his childhood!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Now that I've got kids... LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:11..I want to go back to that moment
0:12:11 > 0:12:13and I want to walk up to them and look at the kid, and go,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"Walk sensibly, you little shit!"
0:12:15 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Your mum's got three bags of shopping and your schoolbag,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23you're lucky she hasn't pushed you under a truck, you little arsehole!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Because I'm a male... My wife looks after our kids when I'm away
0:12:29 > 0:12:31and she's awesome.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32She is so good at it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33I can do it for about four days
0:12:33 > 0:12:36but then I start talking like an arsehole.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38I'll be... If I've got my kids for more than four days,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42you'll see me down at the local park just going, "Darren. Darren. Darren.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"Darren. Darren! Darren! Darren.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Darren! Darren. Darren.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49"Darren! Darren!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"Darren. Darren!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"Let your brother drink some of the Diet Coke."
0:12:54 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER And we've got two girls, so I don't
0:12:56 > 0:12:58even know who Darren is...
0:13:03 > 0:13:04It's tough times.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08So single parents, I genuinely believe you're absolute heroes.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Gay people, I'm not sure they should be allowed to adopt children.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Now...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I'm kidding!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER It's a joke! And I'm not saying
0:13:17 > 0:13:19that in case you're offended, you'll work out soon that
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I'm kidding and you'll be fine.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I say that in case you agree with me and no-one needs that in a room.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Let me explain. Because... I've got a prosthetic foot.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Now, that prosthetic foot throws my knees out, throws my hips out,
0:13:30 > 0:13:31it throws my spine out.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33So it means basically I have physio once a week.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35What I'm trying to say is, if you've got one leg,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38you'll end up with a bad back. That's just the way of the world.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41One leg, bad back. That's why pirates used to go, "Arr!"
0:13:41 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Honestly, two-legged pirates spoke normally.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"I say, Nigel, shall we go looting today?" "What a fabulous idea."
0:13:51 > 0:13:56"Oh, look, here comes one-legged Barry." "Arr, me back, Jesus!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"If only there was some exercise I could do,
0:13:58 > 0:13:59"some Pilates of the Caribbean."
0:13:59 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:05WHISTLING So... Thank you!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08So, now, my physio's name is Josh.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Not Josh Widdicombe, that would be a weird physio.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14AS JOSH WIDDICOMBE: "I'm in Pret A Manger!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:19 > 0:14:22No, I have an Australian physio. His name is Josh. And Josh is gay.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Now, Josh and his husband have got three girls
0:14:24 > 0:14:26the same age as my girls. So we talk.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29We have discussions about parenting and about all sorts of stuff.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32After a while I felt comfortable enough that I could say to Josh,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"OK, I've got to ask you a question, please don't think this is offensive
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"but who's in charge?" He said, "What do you mean?"
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I said, "Well, when it's two dads, who's in charge?"
0:14:40 > 0:14:42He said, "Neither of us is in charge."
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I said, "Who looks after the kids the majority of the time?"
0:14:44 > 0:14:47He said, "Neither, we split it 50-50." I went, "Yeah, but who has final say?"
0:14:47 > 0:14:49He said, "Neither of us have final say."
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I said, "How do you settle arguments over what's right for the kids?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:55He said, "Simple. My husband and I disagree on what's right for the children, here's what we do.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59"We both sit down over the dinner table, he puts forward his opinion, I put forward my opinion,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"we have a rational discussion, we come to a mutually agreed solution,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"and that's how we move forward."
0:15:07 > 0:15:08That is not natural!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I'm sorry, I don't know if you know... Have you got kids?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14You know how it works then, ma'am. You put forward your opinion,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17he puts forward his opinion, and then you discount his opinion
0:15:17 > 0:15:20COS HE DIDN'T SQUEEZE A CHILD OUT OF HIS VAGINA!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Unless, I mean, sorry, it is the most amazing thing I've ever seen my wife do
0:15:27 > 0:15:29and she has done some amazing shit
0:15:29 > 0:15:33but I'm allowed to have an opinion occasionally, aren't I?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35No? Well, why doesn't anyone tell you that?!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Cos I read all the books - I read Baby Love,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I read The Baby Whisperer, I read The Shawshank Baby...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Don't put a poster on their wall, you'll never see them.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I read all the books.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Not one of them said, "Just shut up, mate. Just shut up."
0:15:48 > 0:15:50So I would try and give opinions.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I'd walk in and look at my wife and go, "Do you know what I think we should do for the girls?"
0:15:53 > 0:15:58And she'd look at me like, "Oh, you're going to finish that sentence, are you?"
0:15:58 > 0:16:00And then I'd falter, my voice would go...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02HIGH-PITCHED: "I just thought, um, maybe the right thing to do..."
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Then she'd stare me down and I'd go, "No, you're right, honey.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08"Rub cocaine on their gums, that'll put them to sleep, I don't know what I was thinking."
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Oh, my God. I was not ready to not be in charge of something.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Here's the worst thing, though -
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I said all this to my physio while he's working on me.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And he paused and he said, "Do you know what I think you should do?"
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I said, "What?" He said, "You should do with your wife what I do with my husband."
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I'm not entirely sure she'd be up for that, Josh.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34He said, "No, no, here's what I do with my husband -
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"I keep a list of all the things he says we should do for the girls,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"and then he does the opposite. I write them down in a list.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42"I call it Stephen's Double Standard List.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47"And every Sunday night, I read them out to him over the dinner table.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"You should do that with your wife."
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Are you kidding me?!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oskar Schindler wouldn't make that list!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03And look, I love my wife, she's absolutely amazing.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06This isn't a hate moment. She's brilliant, she's absolutely amazing.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09But she came and saw me talk about this one night and she said,
0:17:09 > 0:17:10"Why are you saying all that on stage?"
0:17:10 > 0:17:14And my honest response was, "Cos I need to tell someone."
0:17:17 > 0:17:18All right, ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21are you ready for your first act of the show?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22It's such an amazing show.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23APPLAUSE
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I'm so excited to see this first act on stage.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival this year
0:17:28 > 0:17:31and I heard that this woman was the person to go see in Montreal,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33but my show was on at the same time as her.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Then I had one night at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I tried to buy a ticket to her show and it was genuinely sold out.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41This is my first chance I've ever got to see her, as well.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Would you please welcome to the stage,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46all the way from the United States of America, Michelle Wolf!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Never had an entrance make me feel like a magician before.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I'm very excited to be here in London!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08This is exciting for me.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I was kind of embarrassed about what was happening back home in America,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15and then I saw what was happening here and I was like, "Hey,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"you guys are falling apart, too."
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I really... I truly feel bad for Hillary Clinton,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24because no-one likes her.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Like, I voted for her but I don't LIKE her.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I'd be like, "I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom."
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I'd be like,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"I'm sorry, I have to use the men's room.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"I just made a life choice."
0:18:44 > 0:18:46But you shouldn't like Hillary.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49She's a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52We're never going to have a nice lady run for president.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56You guys had Margaret Thatcher. You didn't call her The Nice Lady.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59You called her The Iron Lady.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I don't think that's a word you use to describe someone
0:19:03 > 0:19:04that's fun to hang out with.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06We're never going to have a nice lady,
0:19:06 > 0:19:11we're never going to have a woman that's like, "Um, I'd like to be President..."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"I was a sociology major...
0:19:14 > 0:19:18"and I was in a sorority, and I love brunch."
0:19:20 > 0:19:23"You can check out my policies on my Pinterest page."
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Hillary is a woman who has never been to brunch.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32She's like a hard-boiled egg in the morning and then nothing the rest of the day.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35She gets hungry in the afternoon
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and then she slaps a man and goes, "Full now!"
0:19:39 > 0:19:43People say you can't make fun of what she wears because she's a woman.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I think you can, because it's fun to do.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Why are her jackets so big?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52If any male candidate dressed like her, we'd be like,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54"Why are you dressing like Kim Jong-Un?"
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Be a shape! Why are your jackets so big?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03What are you hiding under there?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Is that where all of your e-mails are?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:17The one thing that really bothers me is that everyone complains that
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Hillary has a really shrill voice.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23They're like, "I can't listen to her, she has such a shrill voice."
0:20:23 > 0:20:28And well, sometimes that's just what happens to your voice!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Sometimes you're a person with a shrill voice
0:20:32 > 0:20:35and there's nothing you can do about it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Because we don't get to choose our voice!
0:20:38 > 0:20:43You're never like, "Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside."
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Or "I'd love a voice so shrill
0:20:45 > 0:20:50"that if I suck the helium out of a balloon it wouldn't change my voice at all."
0:20:52 > 0:20:57That might be a 100% real thing that happened to me.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59And I get it! You don't want a president that every day
0:20:59 > 0:21:01is talking to you like...
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- SHRILL:- "The economy, Isis, chocolate, ecch!"
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Just like I know you don't want to wake up next to this voice.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12You don't want me going, "Hey, good morning!"
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"Oh, you lost your boner?"
0:21:18 > 0:21:20This is a real wind-out-of-the-sails kind of voice,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23this isn't a phone sex voice.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27No-one's calling in to hear, "Where do you want to put your penis?"
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And if you are, you should be arrested.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And I am a feminist.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I mean, I'm not like a buy-my-own-drinks kind of feminist...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45We all have our lines, mine is at the bar.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48It's like, I want equal pay! And a Chardonnay.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Well, then, just the Chardonnay.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55We'll deal with the rest tomorrow.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I just think there's too many types of feminism happening right now.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You know? There's the type that's like,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05"We want to be in charge of staff and we want to get paid the same."
0:22:05 > 0:22:07And there's the type that's like,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09"We want to free the nipple on Instagram."
0:22:11 > 0:22:14It's like, hey! Can we focus?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I know she's more fun, but can we focus?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It's like if during the War of American Independence,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23some soldiers were like, "We want to be independent!"
0:22:23 > 0:22:24And then other soldiers were like,
0:22:24 > 0:22:29"We want to free the nipple on Instagram."
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Yeah, maybe England should stay in charge of you.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Sounds very irresponsible.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Also, I think if we focus our attention and our power,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40we'll get more accomplished.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43So personally, I think we should go after equal pay,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45but if I get overruled I'll fight nipple.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49You know, at the end of the day I'm a team player.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55It's just kind of hard for me to even imagine that was a woman's idea.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Sounds like a man infiltrated a meeting...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- LOW-PITCHED:- .."We're going to get these nipples on Instagram!
0:23:05 > 0:23:09"Did you hear we can't? It's not fair.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"For the women.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"You know me, my main concern is the women.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"That's why I call them 'the women'."
0:23:22 > 0:23:25It's hard, though. It's hard to be a woman, you know?
0:23:25 > 0:23:30A lot of women right now are posting naked or almost-naked pictures online
0:23:30 > 0:23:32to show how confident we are.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37And in all the comments, other women will be like, "You are so brave."
0:23:37 > 0:23:41I really just think that means, "Not a model."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Although, it's not brave! There's no soldier looking down at that picture
0:23:50 > 0:23:53being like, "Oh, what a brave lady."
0:23:53 > 0:23:54You know?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57A man posts a naked picture, he just loses custody of his kids.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00And if showing your weird body's brave,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04then the guy that masturbated in front of me on the subway is very brave.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Cos he had a real weird body.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09And he was making weird faces.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11He might be the bravest man I know.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18But that's the thing, we're supposed to care so much about our bodies as women, you know?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And there's even campaigns that we should love our bodies
0:24:20 > 0:24:22and be confident in our bodies.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Or we could just stop caring about it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Cos you know who doesn't care about their bodies?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Men.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30You know what men are?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Successful.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Men are presidents, men are CEOs.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39You never heard a CEO go, "I want to get profits up and keep costs down -
0:24:39 > 0:24:40"and love me for me."
0:24:43 > 0:24:49"3pm, we're going to have a meeting about how I can accept the fact that I have my mother's thighs."
0:24:49 > 0:24:51You know who should care about their bodies?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Men! You have weird bodies, men.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54You're gross.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Your balls are gross.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I've never seen a guy and been like, "Oh, I can't wait to get his pants off
0:25:03 > 0:25:07"and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs."
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What is it?!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's like when you go to a haunted house and you stick your hand in a jar,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14you're like, "Please be grapes."
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Balls seem like a real God whoopsie.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22It's like when you're putting up furniture and you've got a couple of leftover screws,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25you're like, "Well, those were supposed to go somewhere.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"I guess I'll hang them from a satchel."
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Even the name sounds like a mistake.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36"What are you going to call them?" "Scrotum!" "OK."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38This is how you know God didn't care about balls at all.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Everything else important, he covered in bone.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Balls, he was like, "Let 'em fly!"
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You are so lucky we get our faces near them.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52If a woman puts your balls in her mouth,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54you should pay her a lot of money.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58And not in like a prostitute way,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01like a, "I don't know how else to say thank you!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"This is a very nice thing you just did to me.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07"And you didn't get any pleasure out of it."
0:26:07 > 0:26:12There's not a single woman that's like, "That's what does it for me."
0:26:12 > 0:26:15You are more of a saint than Mother Teresa for that.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17There's no way SHE ever did it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I get one wrinkle, my career is over.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26I have to put paint on my face just to leave my home.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30And you guys get to walk around with those wrinkly, dangly bags of crap.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34You should have to put make-up on them!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Or at the very least, googly eyes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I don't know if that would be better or worse, but it would be fun.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44He's happy, he's sad. He lost his boner.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49And I don't know how we ever let you guys get away with calling our boobs saggy -
0:26:49 > 0:26:51your balls are saggy.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53YOU should wear a bra.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57And you make it fancy.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59CHEERING
0:27:04 > 0:27:08All those women clapping, they meant yours.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12I don't have a baby,
0:27:12 > 0:27:16which is actually very impressive if you know me at all.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21You get it.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I do think it's weird you can just have a baby.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27You don't have to take a test or anything.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I think you should have to take a test and I think the test should be,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32"Let me see your iPhone screen.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35"Oh, it's cracked? Then no."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:47You can't carry a phone, you can't carry a baby.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52Like, having a baby is arguably the coolest thing your body can do.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I have a friend who has one arm
0:27:55 > 0:28:00and then she just had a baby that had two arms.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You can make shit you don't even have!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07You can grow a penis inside a vagina.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Like the world's most terrifying greenhouse.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15It's the coolest thing your body can do!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Me not wanting to have a baby is like a bird being like, "I'll walk."
0:28:20 > 0:28:24But you're built to fly! "I know, going to walk."
0:28:24 > 0:28:29And believe me, these wings work, we've had to cancel a couple of flights.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Yeah, it is an abortion joke.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37And then I think women, we have weird priorities, you know?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39We care so much about our wedding.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43We'll even say things, "I want to be a princess on my wedding day.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45"I'm going to be a princess.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48"I'm a grown adult woman who'd like to be a princess."
0:28:50 > 0:28:51All right, you want to be a princess?
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Then I'm going to make you marry a man you've never met
0:28:54 > 0:28:58in order to secure a French alliance. And guess what, Princess?
0:28:58 > 0:29:00He's not going to love you.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Your parents wished you were a boy.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Happy wedding day, Princess.
0:29:06 > 0:29:11And we'll say things like, "It's my day. It's my special day."
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I don't really think you call it YOUR day if your dad's paying for it.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19I think it's his day - and I think it's a really weird day for him.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23I think he's paying a ton of money
0:29:23 > 0:29:27to make sure a man has sex with you that night.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29I think he's literally walking you down the aisle,
0:29:29 > 0:29:31going, "Here, you fuck her."
0:29:38 > 0:29:41And married couples, you don't even sell it very well, you know?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44I hear a lot of married couples complain.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46I think you hear more men complain about it than women, but men,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49you've got weird complaints about marriage.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52You'll say things like, "She won't let me keep my shirts."
0:29:52 > 0:29:54And it's like, well, just hold them up here!
0:29:54 > 0:29:57You're taller than her.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01And if you're not taller than her, you're not complaining about anything,
0:30:01 > 0:30:02you're just happy to be there.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06We should date shorter guys more often!
0:30:06 > 0:30:09They're really nice. The only problem is a lot of times
0:30:09 > 0:30:11when you go for walks, you're going to have to be like,
0:30:11 > 0:30:15"All right, speed up, little buddy. Go, go, little guy!"
0:30:15 > 0:30:18I'll tell you a tiny secret.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21The real reason I want Hillary Clinton to be president
0:30:21 > 0:30:24is because I want Bill Clinton to be the First Gentleman.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Mostly because the spouse of the President is the one who sometimes
0:30:29 > 0:30:32gives tours of the White House
0:30:32 > 0:30:36and I'd love to see Bill be like, "These are our drapes...
0:30:38 > 0:30:40"As you can see, they're navy.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45"But if you shine a black light on them, boy, do they glow."
0:30:45 > 0:30:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:51 > 0:30:54"Oh, man. If these walls could talk,
0:30:54 > 0:30:57"that means they'd have mouths and I'd put my penis in 'em."
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Every time he bit his lip from behind a podium,
0:31:03 > 0:31:06I thought he was trying to get rid of a boner.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08You know, like...
0:31:08 > 0:31:10"Hillary, Hillary, Hillary."
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Michelle Wolf!
0:31:14 > 0:31:17APPLAUSE
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Ladies and gentlemen, how good was Michelle Wolf?!
0:31:27 > 0:31:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:30 > 0:31:34Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of the night?
0:31:34 > 0:31:37He's one of Britain's best up and coming comedians,
0:31:37 > 0:31:41he's the award-winning Jamali Maddix!
0:31:41 > 0:31:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:48 > 0:31:49What's up?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Yes! All right, yes.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Yes, yes, yes. Shit's about to get real, son.
0:31:55 > 0:31:56All right, OK...
0:31:56 > 0:31:58How's everyone doing?
0:31:58 > 0:31:59CHEERING
0:31:59 > 0:32:02I'm happy to be here, man. This is cool, man. This is fancy!
0:32:02 > 0:32:05This is fancy. It's so fancy I even ironed my T-shirt.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07That's how you know it's fancy. I'm telling you, man.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I'm trying to be more fancy now, that's my thing,
0:32:09 > 0:32:11I'm trying to be more fancy.
0:32:11 > 0:32:12So I started wearing glasses,
0:32:12 > 0:32:15I'm like, "Boom - face fancy now cos I started wearing glasses."
0:32:15 > 0:32:18And my mum actually said to me that with these glasses and beard
0:32:18 > 0:32:23combination, that I look like a guy in prison who reads.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Yeah? "I'm just trying to do my time, bro.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29"Waiting for that parole meeting."
0:32:29 > 0:32:32What are we going to talk about? Let's keep it light-hearted.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36Let's talk about race relations.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38Look, I know... I can see you're uncomfortable.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42I don't want to talk about it either but I have to. OK? I have to.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44OK? Cos race is awkward, OK?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46I know it. Race makes me awkward, too.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49You know? Cos, look, man, look, I ain't proud of this, OK?
0:32:49 > 0:32:53But what's racism if I can't say it for the room full of white people?
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Check it out, right? So... I'm doing this gig the other day, right?
0:32:56 > 0:33:00It's an all-white audience and I start doing a routine
0:33:00 > 0:33:03about how people think I look like a terrorist, right?
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Cos, you know, I have a beard, people are pricks,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07so I'm doing the routine, right?
0:33:07 > 0:33:09And people start getting upset at me, right?
0:33:09 > 0:33:11So I carry on, cos I'm no quitter, right?
0:33:11 > 0:33:15So I just carry on doing the routine and one woman stands up and says,
0:33:15 > 0:33:16"Just get over it!"
0:33:16 > 0:33:18And I go, "What the hell?"
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Yeah? I get pissed off, you know.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23I start talking about white privilege
0:33:23 > 0:33:24and how she don't understand
0:33:24 > 0:33:28what it's like for people to think that you're a terrorist.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32Then halfway through the rant I realised I was in Northern Ireland.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Yeah, I messed up. Know what I'm saying, man?
0:33:37 > 0:33:40I forgot there was different types of white people...
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Should've saved my race card for later, you know what I'm saying?
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I forgot about that rare white man struggle.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50What's happening recently?
0:33:50 > 0:33:53I've been thinking a lot. I had this big realisation the other day,
0:33:53 > 0:33:55I realised that I'm a bit of an arsehole.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Yeah, I know, I see you looking there - not you, I love you.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Don't love me, sir. I'm going to let you down, I'm a bad boy.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02All right? I'm an arsehole.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04And I think about why I'm an arsehole, as well.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06I don't want to be an arsehole, you know?
0:34:06 > 0:34:10I think one of the reasons I'm an arsehole is because I'm British.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Right? I'm telling you, I am British. Relax.
0:34:12 > 0:34:13No, I'm British, right?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Cos being British makes you an arsehole, man.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18The reason being British makes you an arsehole is because
0:34:18 > 0:34:21it makes you arrogant. And the reason it makes us arrogant,
0:34:21 > 0:34:25cos at one time we had the biggest empire.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Am I right, sir? Yeah, you're nodding, going "Yes, we did."
0:34:28 > 0:34:30But guess what, sir? "Did"!
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Mm, cos that shit is over, man, all right?
0:34:33 > 0:34:35England is going down the pan.
0:34:35 > 0:34:40Think about it - the NHS, zero contract hours, the EU Referendum.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44England's going so bad, Scotland tried to leave the party.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47That's how you know England is done.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49And we don't want it to be done.
0:34:49 > 0:34:50We want to hold on to that shit, you know?
0:34:50 > 0:34:55We want to hold on to it so much we still have a queen.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Just to remind us of stuff we did.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02Us having a queen and knowing how bad we are right now is sort of like
0:35:02 > 0:35:09a businessman who became a homeless man, but still wears a suit.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13Right? "I'm just waiting for that phone call." It's not coming, cos we're done, you know.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15But we don't think we can be done.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Why? Cos at one time we had the biggest empire.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19But guess what? So did Greece!
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Yeah. Now they're giving handjobs for potatoes,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26that's what I'm saying. You'd better call Zeus.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Don't know how you feel about it, bro.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Arsehole, man. I think about it,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33do you know who else I blame for being an arsehole?
0:35:33 > 0:35:36My family. My family are crazy, man.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38There's one guy I like in my family, though.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40One guy I love to bits, it's my grandad.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43He's a cool guy. He's as old as shit, nearly dead, he's like 70, right?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Old. Old, man. I love him.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48Cos he was like a train driver for 50 years, right?
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Never took a day off, we don't do that, right?
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Still wears a union badge.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Like, "I'm not going to go on strike, Jamali."
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Strike on what? The gardening? Go shut up, right? I swear to God,
0:35:58 > 0:36:02he was such a socialist that he still wakes up in the middle of the night
0:36:02 > 0:36:05angry at Margaret Thatcher. That's how deep it is.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09"She stole the milk, Jamali! She stole the milk."
0:36:09 > 0:36:13It's weird how your family can influence your ideas and your decisions.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15It's weird, right? Cos looking at my grandad, right?
0:36:15 > 0:36:19It kind of made me happy politically that we left the EU.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Right? Now, relax, you hippies. OK? I voted Remain.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24I want to put it out there before you lynch me, right?
0:36:24 > 0:36:26I voted Remain! I did, right?
0:36:26 > 0:36:29But there's only one reason I'm happy we left the EU, right?
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Cos I've been saying this thing for a long time, right?
0:36:31 > 0:36:34And everyone thought I was an arsehole for saying it,
0:36:34 > 0:36:37but now that we've left I think we can all agree one thing, right?
0:36:37 > 0:36:43I think we can all agree that we need to stop old people voting...
0:36:43 > 0:36:44And now listen!
0:36:44 > 0:36:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Listen! No!
0:36:50 > 0:36:53And when I say old people, I do not mean the crazy age,
0:36:53 > 0:36:58I think the voting age should be 17 to 50... 51 if you're not a prick.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01I think that's a good age to have. I can see some old school...
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Look at old school right there. He's hating it right now. He's like,
0:37:04 > 0:37:09"I want to vote." Listen, are you looking for a mortgage? No!
0:37:09 > 0:37:12So why are still voting? I don't understand!
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Why should you decide if we do poppers?
0:37:18 > 0:37:20When's the last time you had a party?
0:37:20 > 0:37:22You know, I don't hate old people.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25I love old people, like I love my grandad.
0:37:25 > 0:37:26He shouldn't vote!
0:37:26 > 0:37:31He spends his days in his shed avoiding my grandma,
0:37:31 > 0:37:34having arguments with himself that he wins, right,
0:37:34 > 0:37:37and he should get the right to tick the box? No.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40The real problem with old people voting is this, like, look,
0:37:40 > 0:37:44they're going to die before they see the things they vote in.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46They're not going to see what happens, you know?
0:37:46 > 0:37:52The only pleasure an old person gets voting is like a suicide bomber, no?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54They don't get to see the destruction,
0:37:54 > 0:37:58but just before they do it, they go, "I bet they're going to be pissed,"
0:37:58 > 0:38:01and vote for some shit we don't want.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Listen, I can see you, listen, man,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06I'm going to be honest with you, my name is Jamali and I have a huge beard.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09If you didn't expect suicide bomber jokes, shame on you, all right?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Not my fault that you're shocked.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15It's weird, because, look,
0:38:15 > 0:38:16I'll stand here and say he shouldn't vote.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20I don't know, OK, I really don't know a lot about politics, right?
0:38:20 > 0:38:22That's my problem, I'm smart enough to know that the government,
0:38:22 > 0:38:26the banks, are messing us over. I'm just not smart enough to know how.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30So I'm going, "Must be the Illuminati."
0:38:30 > 0:38:33The Freemasons, Goddammit, the Bilderbergs.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34I love conspiracy theories.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37You like conspiracy theories, playboy? You love 'em, don't you?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40I love conspiracy theories too, ma'am. I'm telling you.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42I go to conspiracy theory conventions.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45I say conventions, you know, it's just me and my friends
0:38:45 > 0:38:47trying to figure out who shot Tupac, like that's...
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"Who shot Tupac, man? Get the truth out."
0:38:54 > 0:38:56I'm telling you, though, man.
0:38:56 > 0:38:57But I think race is, like, a weird thing,
0:38:57 > 0:39:00because I think it really does get misconstrued.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02I think, you know what, I don't know if you don't know this,
0:39:02 > 0:39:04but people talk a lot of crap about white people.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07They do. People are like, because, um,
0:39:07 > 0:39:09"You might be a bit upset by this,
0:39:09 > 0:39:13"We had a meeting, um, obviously you wasn't invited."
0:39:15 > 0:39:17I love when we say we had a meeting, the liberal white people go,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20"Oh, we should send them a quiche, how nice!"
0:39:20 > 0:39:23We had a meeting and people were saying some stuff about white people.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27I defend white people. I said, "Don't you talk about my white people like that. Don't you do it."
0:39:27 > 0:39:32Someone stood up in the meeting and said, "White people are more racist than any other race."
0:39:32 > 0:39:36I said, "You shut your mouth, sir. That's not true."
0:39:36 > 0:39:39White people ain't more racist than any other race.
0:39:39 > 0:39:45It's just the white people that ARE racist are just the best, you know?
0:39:45 > 0:39:48When white people get racist, they go for it, man.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51You know, they start a political party, they go on a march,
0:39:51 > 0:39:56they join the police force, like, they just get the job done.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58APPLAUSE
0:40:00 > 0:40:02I realise this stuff, man.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04I think a lot now, because I'm getting old.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08I'm old school, an old boy now, you know, I just turned 25, right, listen.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10This is the oldest I've been, deal with it,
0:40:10 > 0:40:13I can't just go in some time machine and relate to you, I'm sorry.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16But I like getting older. Don't we like getting older, old school?
0:40:16 > 0:40:18We love it, don't we? We love getting older,
0:40:18 > 0:40:21because as you get older, you start to accept stuff about yourself.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22You do - you have to, you know.
0:40:22 > 0:40:29Like it took me 25 years to realise that THIS is my face.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31This isn't getting any better, man,
0:40:31 > 0:40:34because when I was younger I always wanted to be better looking, you know?
0:40:34 > 0:40:36I didn't need to be crazy good looking,
0:40:36 > 0:40:41I just wanted to be good-looking enough to cheat, right?
0:40:41 > 0:40:44No, hear me out, I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47I love my girlfriend!
0:40:47 > 0:40:48Sometimes. OK?
0:40:48 > 0:40:51But I need something to say in the argument that sounds believable,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54once in awhile. Now look, I have Tinder,
0:40:54 > 0:40:58and my girlfriend knows I have Tinder and doesn't even care.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01She doesn't care. She's like, "Good luck."
0:41:01 > 0:41:05You know? She doesn't respect my facial abilities.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09And Tinder is disgusting but amazing at the same time.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11I love it, I hate it, I don't know.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15I don't know, because Tinder is great.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18What I love about Tinder is it will make you realise some social stuff
0:41:18 > 0:41:20about people, you know? Like I was on Tinder the other day, right,
0:41:20 > 0:41:23and I'm flicking through the profiles, cos I'm a scumbag.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27I'm going through the profiles and I see this one profile, right,
0:41:27 > 0:41:31and every picture was just a lady with her titties out, right?
0:41:31 > 0:41:32Just, "Pop!"
0:41:32 > 0:41:35That's what titties sounds like in my head cos I'm 12, deal with it,
0:41:35 > 0:41:39yeah? She has her titties out. Pop! And in the description
0:41:39 > 0:41:42it just said, "Any dick, any time",
0:41:42 > 0:41:47and I was like, "Wow, all right, you know your market, I like it, right?"
0:41:47 > 0:41:49Showed my girlfriend the profile.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52My girlfriend looks at the profile
0:41:52 > 0:41:54and goes, "Oh, my God. What a whore."
0:41:54 > 0:41:57I said, "What, babe? No.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00"There's too much slut shaming in this world. She is no ho.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03"She is a revolutionary."
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Confusing, right?
0:42:05 > 0:42:06I'm going to explain to you why.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09You got to understand, everything in this world has a price.
0:42:09 > 0:42:10Everyone and everything has a price.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14And in this world, where everything has a price,
0:42:14 > 0:42:18the price of vagina is very high, OK?
0:42:18 > 0:42:21Listen, if it was on the stock market, it would beat oil and gold, right?
0:42:21 > 0:42:24But, listen, I ain't giving women no number.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26Men, we have a number as well.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28But we've got dick, and dick ain't worth shit,
0:42:28 > 0:42:30you know what I'm saying?
0:42:30 > 0:42:34You can't have dick, you've got to back that up with some collateral, you know?
0:42:34 > 0:42:37You've got to have a dick and a personality, dick and a job,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39dick and a life plan, right?
0:42:39 > 0:42:42Listen, I could have a warehouse full of penis
0:42:42 > 0:42:45and it wouldn't be worth as much as a picture of a pussy, right?
0:42:47 > 0:42:50So when she said, "Any dick, any time,"
0:42:50 > 0:42:54she just crashed the whole pussy economy, is what I'm saying.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56She made a credit crunch of vagina.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59She gave vagina back to the working-class man.
0:43:01 > 0:43:04She's the Karl Marx of pussy, is what I'm trying to say, guys.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06APPLAUSE
0:43:08 > 0:43:12Anyway, my name's been Jamali and this has been one of my favourite
0:43:12 > 0:43:14times in my life. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix!
0:43:23 > 0:43:25CHEERING
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have tonight for you.
0:43:28 > 0:43:32Would you please thank Michelle Wolf and Jamali Maddix?!
0:43:32 > 0:43:35My name's Adam Hills. Thank you and goodnight.