0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Frankie Boyle!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hello.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42AUDIENCE RESPOND
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I've been quite busy letting myself go.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I decided to stop caring about my appearance when I realised that
0:00:49 > 0:00:52the reason women weren't having sex with me
0:00:52 > 0:00:53was because of my personality.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I'm quite out of shape at the moment.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01At the moment, when I'm lying down and I get an erection
0:01:01 > 0:01:04it sort of looks like a motorcyclist emerging over the brow of a hill.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I don't think women mind. Women don't mind heavier guys.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15I think women look at me and think "He would go down on me
0:01:15 > 0:01:17"like a parched spaniel."
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I have a theory... Ha, ha!
0:01:24 > 0:01:29I have a theory that masturbation is a kind of summoning spell for your
0:01:29 > 0:01:31own rational mind.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Because we're all so driven by hormones and by desire,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38sometimes you've got to have a wank to speak to your real self.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42You have a wank and go, "I should have shagged my ex one last time,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45"I'll text her. I'll text her, I'll meet her, I'll shag her."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And then you come and a little voice comes on in your head that goes
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Yeah, don't do that, mate."
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You've got to be careful with jokes, haven't you?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Cos not everyone's got a sense of humour.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I can remember when I first realised
0:02:03 > 0:02:04not everyone's got a sense of humour.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I was 13, I was at school and doing a class on stereotypes.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10And the teacher was a really good guy,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12he was just talking about how stupid stereotypes are
0:02:12 > 0:02:15and he was talking about a stereotype that day
0:02:15 > 0:02:18that's so old-fashioned and so Scottish
0:02:18 > 0:02:20that you definitely won't have heard it.
0:02:20 > 0:02:28Have you ever heard the stereotype that deaf people are really strong?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30That was a genuine thing when I was growing up.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Deaf people, particularly deaf and dumb people,
0:02:34 > 0:02:35were believed to be really strong.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38And the teacher said, "Think how stupid that is.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42"Have you ever seen a deaf contender for the heavyweight championship of
0:02:42 > 0:02:43"the world?"
0:02:43 > 0:02:47And me, aged 13, I put my hand up and I went, "There was one, sir,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"but he was disqualified for punching after the bell."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And nobody laughed.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59And I knew right then that life was going to feel pretty long.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You've got to have a bit of leeway with jokes, haven't you?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I can't write jokes for the average person, can I?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12The average person is Chinese.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:24FRANKIE LAUGHS
0:03:27 > 0:03:28So, I'm from Glasgow.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32A city where people think that hepatitis B is a fucking vitamin.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38To explain Glasgow's attitude to you,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40this happened to me recently.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I was having a wee snooze in a park,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46cos my career has been going really well lately.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I was having a wee doze under a tree and a guy came up to me and he went,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56"Do you know your problem? You're fucking unapproachable."
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Glasgow's like an entirely negative city.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I went to a coffee shop one time, two middle-aged women sat across
0:04:10 > 0:04:13from me and they started to moan as they sat down
0:04:13 > 0:04:17about how long they thought the coffee was going to take.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Nothing had happened and they were both angry.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24And the coffee turned up and the first one takes a sip and goes,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"That's not very good, is it?"
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And the second one takes a sip of hers and goes,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"I don't even like coffee."
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I think English people don't really understand Scottish attitudes.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You think that we all just want to see the English football team get
0:04:40 > 0:04:45beaten, but actually a lot of us would much rather see the team plane
0:04:45 > 0:04:47crash into an oil refinery.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I enjoyed reading about Sam Allardyce.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55I didn't realise English football had a corruption problem.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I thought the only problems in English football were racism,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01sexism, homophobia, match fixing, gambling,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05sexual assaults and a failure to perform at major tournaments.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16We'd the Queen's 90th birthday this year.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19We'd a street party round my way with jelly and ice cream.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Nothing to do with the Queen,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22we're just trying to flush out a local paedophile.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28The Queen has two birthdays a year,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31one each for her human and lizard forms.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Don't get me wrong, I want the Queen to live a long life,
0:05:36 > 0:05:37cos the longer she lives
0:05:37 > 0:05:41the more days we get off on holiday when she dies.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44At the moment, she's a long weekend, God bless her.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48If she makes it to 100, we're going to get a week off.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Some people don't like the Queen.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53There was a thing a couple of years ago,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56there's a fund of money for very poor people to heat their homes
0:05:56 > 0:06:00in an emergency and the royal household tried to get a hold
0:06:00 > 0:06:02of that money to heat Buckingham Palace.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Heat Buckingham Palace, we don't want her dying in winter.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09A week off in winter is no good to anybody.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14We want to go at the height of summer when we can turn it into
0:06:14 > 0:06:16three weeks in Tenerife.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21It's the funeral today, boys, black armbands on the flumes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27I honestly think that the government are saving the Queen's death
0:06:27 > 0:06:30for when they need a really big distraction.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Theresa May'll go round there one week,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34pull a pillow out of her briefcase.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"I'm sorry ma'am, I'm afraid Isis have just landed in Cornwall."
0:06:40 > 0:06:42So, we had Brexit.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47People are saying after Brexit that British people don't trust experts
0:06:47 > 0:06:50any more. I don't think that's the problem.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions
0:06:55 > 0:06:58based on nothing at all.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Strong opinions...
0:07:01 > 0:07:04APPLAUSE
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Strong opinions on very little information,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15because we're a decadent society.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It's exactly the same thing that happened to the ancient Romans, probably,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I've never really bothered to find out.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I enjoyed voting in Brexit, not for the sake of democracy,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29it's just rare for me to be allowed into a Scout hall unchallenged.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I like Europe, I like the French.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I like the fact that early on in French history
0:07:37 > 0:07:39two French people sat down
0:07:39 > 0:07:42and decided whether nouns were men or women.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Literally the most pointless thing that you could do.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"What would you say a scone is?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53"Is a scone a man or a woman?"
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"A scone is a man, you fool!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58"Why do you even have to ask?"
0:07:58 > 0:08:00"And what about lemons?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"Are lemons men or women?"
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Lemons are also men.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06"They're little tiny yellow men."
0:08:08 > 0:08:10"You don't really have an ending for this joke, do you?"
0:08:12 > 0:08:13"I do not care.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15"I only care about whether
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"the concept of endings is itself male or female."
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"I prefer it when Eddie Izzard does this kind of thing.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28"Eddie Izzard is better at these French jokes than you."
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"That is because he is both a man and a woman!"
0:08:38 > 0:08:41So, we elected Theresa May. We didn't even elect her.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43She just wandered in there
0:08:43 > 0:08:44like she'd stepped out of a haunted mirror.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47"Hello!"
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Theresa May looks like
0:08:51 > 0:08:54she's entirely made out of bones, doesn't she?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57She looks like she's made out of the bones that they forgot
0:08:57 > 0:08:59to put into Boris Johnson.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05He's the Foreign Secretary.
0:09:05 > 0:09:10A cross between a head injury and an unmade bed.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14he might be the worst mammal.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21There's a lot of racism post-Brexit.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26I think British people just get immigrants to do the jobs they can't face doing themselves.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Which is why Nigel Farage has a German wife.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43My favourite Farage thing was when he dodged a question of whether he
0:09:43 > 0:09:46thought Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And I think Idris Elba would be a great James Bond
0:09:49 > 0:09:55because I want to see a Bond movie where the pre-credits sequence is just a black guy trying to
0:09:55 > 0:09:58drive an Aston Martin through central London.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Someone seems to be shooting at us, Bond."
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"I think it's the Met."
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I don't want to sound like I'm too down on racists here -
0:10:13 > 0:10:15some of my best friends are racists.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Although, to be fair, they're black and they've got a point.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24There's a kind of anti-refugee racism in the air.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Especially in the summer.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29You know, you read about some guy rowing over here in a sink
0:10:29 > 0:10:31and people are going, "Send him back!"
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Don't send him back, there was an Olympics coming up!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Get him involved!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41There's this element to anti-refugee racism.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46People say, "Oh, Isis are sending agents disguised as refugees.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50"Isis are infiltrating Britain with refugees."
0:10:50 > 0:10:55That's not happening and I can prove that it's not happening because Isis
0:10:55 > 0:10:59recruit people from here to go and fight in Syria,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01to go and fight in Iraq.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Why would they be SENDING anyone?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Do you think someone is phoning up Isis tomorrow going,
0:11:06 > 0:11:07BRUMMIE ACCENT: "All right, mate.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"I could nip down to London tomorrow and do a bit of terrorism.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14"Are you up for it?" "No! You come here.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"Ahmed will do the terrorism!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Ahmed is currently clinging to a mattress
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"in the middle of the Mediterranean!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"Ahmed will do the terrorism!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:26BRUMMIE ACCENT: "It's no bother, mate.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28"I can get a day return on the Megabus."
0:11:30 > 0:11:36"No, you come here through several strict border and security checks.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"Ahmed will do the terrorism.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43"Ahmed is currently on a raft made out of old 7-Up bottles.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48"He's fighting off sharks with a Vileda supermop
0:11:48 > 0:11:52"Ahmed is our top agent and it's vital that he spends
0:11:52 > 0:11:58"the next five years in a refugee camp living out a real-life version
0:11:58 > 0:12:02"of The Hunger Games where the first prize is a sandwich."
0:12:06 > 0:12:11I should point out, Americans do need to worry about refugees.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Americans do need to worry
0:12:12 > 0:12:15because a refugee in America might get involved
0:12:15 > 0:12:18in a mass shooting just to try and fit in.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I think there will be peace in the Middle East once the oil runs out.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Although, knowing their luck, someone will invent a replacement
0:12:31 > 0:12:33that involves mixing sand with falafel.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39One of our major problems, I think,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42is that our news has no sense of history.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Without history, news is meaningless.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Our news is almost, literally, someone going,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"Another terrible car bomb in Iraq.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54"We ask our Middle East expert why do Iraqis hate cars so much."
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Let's not forget that people in Iraq and people in Syria have a greater
0:12:59 > 0:13:03life expectancy than people in Glasgow and, let's be honest,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06a higher standard of club football.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I split up with my girlfriend recently.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Basically, we wanted different things from the relationship.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17She wanted a baby and I wanted to be able to watch TV
0:13:17 > 0:13:19without someone talking.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I think people are in relationships because we don't want to
0:13:25 > 0:13:29die alone, which is why I've always planned on taking
0:13:29 > 0:13:31quite a few people with me.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I think people get the wrong idea about me.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38People think that I'm depressed. I'm not depressed.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42I don't wish that I was dead. I wish that you were all dead.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50My family, for generations before me, they were sheep farmers.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Shepherds, really, and I kind of think I'm a bit like that.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54I like being on my own,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I like walks and I make my living
0:13:57 > 0:14:00controlling large crowds of stupid animals.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Do you know the job I would have liked to have?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I would have liked to have worked on a bin lorry. That's the one job
0:14:07 > 0:14:10where you can really shout your head off all day long.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"IS THAT A BIN OVER THERE?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"BRING IT OVER HERE, PUT IT IN THE BIN LORRY.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18"THERE'S ANOTHER BIN. I'LL GET IT.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"I'LL BRING IT UP TO THE BIN LORRY.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"I'LL DRIVE THE BIN LORRY FORWARD A BIT.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"YOU GET THE BINS."
0:14:26 > 0:14:30They could do that job in complete silence, couldn't they?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Just have a wee meeting at the start of the shift every day.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"OK, let's agree that when we're out there today,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"we're going to pick up all the bins.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41"Put them in the bin lorry."
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I like that job where people
0:14:47 > 0:14:50put out cones on the motorway really late at night.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53That's got to have an attrition rate.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You look in the first aid kit and it's just a shovel.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I'd have liked to be a doctor.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I think a sense of humour goes a long way as a doctor.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"What do you mean you want a second opinion?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"You've already had one. He said it was Alzheimer's as well."
0:15:10 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I don't like celebrity atheists.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I don't trust them. I'm an atheist.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26I was a very bad Catholic, unless you include my attitude to condoms.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31In which case, I was an absolutely amazing Catholic.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33But celebrity atheism...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I kind of think if you live in an intolerant society anyway,
0:15:35 > 0:15:39it's kind of your duty to watch yourself for intolerance.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42We've all got a bit of it. For example, if someone said to me,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46"My friend is a Hare Krishna," I would immediately assume that they
0:15:46 > 0:15:49were a white guy who had totally lost it on drugs.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Because I've taken acid and I thought,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56"If I just doubled the dose here, all my worries are over.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00"I'm smashing myself in the face with a cymbal outside John Lewis."
0:16:03 > 0:16:05And that's a kind of prejudice
0:16:05 > 0:16:08because religions have done good things.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14liberation theology in central America.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Those people all got killed.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20They got killed for standing up for poor people and what's the reward?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist
0:16:27 > 0:16:30when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42I want pubs to go back to writing men and women on their toilet doors
0:16:42 > 0:16:47as I'm sick of trying to decode a rabbit in a top hat.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You make a snap judgment about a kitten wearing a monocle
0:16:50 > 0:16:53and suddenly you're on the sex offenders' register.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I worry about being tasered.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I don't think I'm fit enough to survive a tasering.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I think I'd say to the cop, "Get your gun out, mate.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"My only hope is that you shoot me dead
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"and the Taser restarts my heart."
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I was walking down the street today, I saw a homeless guy.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I went to give him some money and I realised I only had a £20 note.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I thought, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
0:17:25 > 0:17:27And I decided that I didn't so I gave it to the homeless guy.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32This only happens to me in London.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34You get people going to me, "Don't give them money.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36"They just spend it on beer and fags."
0:17:36 > 0:17:40I'd always assumed they were spending it on beer and fags.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45I've never given money to a homeless guy and thought, "I hope he's putting that into his ISA!"
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I don't trust the super-rich.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Do you know that there are now hotels for the super-rich
0:17:54 > 0:17:59that are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01that's actually a code word.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It's code for a prostitute.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Imagine that! You phone down and ask for an extra pillow
0:18:07 > 0:18:09and a prostitute turns up.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Now you've got two prostitutes.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18And only one pillow to smother them with.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of the evening?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29She's one of our best sitcom writers.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32She's also one of our best comedians.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Give it up and show a lot of love to Holly Walsh.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38APPLAUSE
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Oh, my gosh! So much attention.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54This is unbelievable!
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I don't think you understand -
0:18:55 > 0:18:57in real life, I am so easily ignored.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I was in a mini cab the other day and the driver pulled over
0:19:01 > 0:19:04to pick up another fare because he forgot I was in the back.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I'm so socially awkward, I was like, I don't know what to say.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Anyway, long story short,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13it was quite a nice walk back from Heathrow.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17So, this is nice being in a theatre. Are you guys fans of theatres?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Love going to theatre! I love it. I tell you what I don't like.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Plays. Not in it for the plays. I love curtain calls.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Combine my three favourite things - clapping,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32bowing, and pointing smugly at corners of the room.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Love it!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40What an awesome way to finish work, with a curtain call.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I don't think it should just be actors who get that.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I think everyone deserves a curtain call when they finish work.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Like the guy who delivers your pizza.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"Thanks a lot, mate." Take it off him, shut the door.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Bing bong.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You're like, "Thank you." Shut the door again... Bing Bong.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00There he is again, this time holding hands with the entire cast of Dominoes of Lewisham.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I'm very stressed.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09I've had a very stressful time.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I'm moving. I live in one of those areas that is, like, a dump,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14but it's trying to be trendy.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17The sort of place where if you see a white tent on the side of the road
0:20:17 > 0:20:20you're not quite sure if it's a crime scene or a farmers' market.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25I'm buying a house. That is difficult.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27To buy a house, that is not fun.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30So stressful. I'm in a chain.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32It's ridiculous.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35So, the people above us, they have to wait for their mortgage to clear
0:20:35 > 0:20:40or something, and I have to wait for my parents to die.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45It's ridiculous when your financial planning depends on a cold snap.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49We have to move...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52We have to move because I just became a mother, I'm a mum.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I just had a baby. I like him.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Thank you. Woo, yeah, go me and my ovaries, cool.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00I had a little baby.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I like him. I like the baby.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I did not like being pregnant.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05It was not fun being pregnant.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I was so confused.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Even the words they use.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You're like, people say, "Oh, you fall pregnant."
0:21:11 > 0:21:14"She fell pregnant." I didn't fall pregnant.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I was face down on the futon when it happened.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Like, I couldn't have fallen, I was already down.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23"Did you use protection?"
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Well, I had a crash mat if that's what you mean.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Cos that is such a personal question.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"When are you going to have kids?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34All my mum's friends, "When are you going to have kids?"
0:21:34 > 0:21:37So personal. Whenever they ask me that, I like to turn the tables,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40"I don't know. When are you going into a home?"
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Tick, tock, tick, tock.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I can't wait to get old. I'm looking forward to getting old.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Old people can do what they like.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54They do what they like.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I was on the bus, this incredibly old woman got on.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00She went straight up to this guy who was sitting down and said,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"How old are you?" This guy was like, "37." She said,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05"I'm 84. Get up."
0:22:05 > 0:22:09And I was like, oh, my God! She just invented human Top Trumps!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14This guy missed a trick.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16He should have demanded another round, "All right, old lady,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"er... What's your top speed?"
0:22:20 > 0:22:22No chance.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I think the worst thing about having a baby,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29the worst thing about the whole pregnancy,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I'd say even more painful than labour,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35was telling my parents that I was pregnant. It was horrible.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Cos my parents never talked to me about sex. They just never did that.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I mean, to be fair on them,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I think they operated on a need-to-know basis,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and given I had a head brace until I was 17, they thought,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48"Do you know what? She doesn't need to know."
0:22:48 > 0:22:52The only time that my mum ever talked to me about sex, she once sort of in passing said,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"Oh, by the way, when you make love to a man, put a towel down first."
0:22:57 > 0:23:00That's it. Both practical and disturbing.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05"Put a towel down first," that's what she said.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09I thought, "It's given me a pathological fear of sun loungers ever since."
0:23:10 > 0:23:12And my parents' towel collection.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19But I swear I knew nothing about sex as a teenager.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I think the closest I came to having sex was when I was doing lengths
0:23:22 > 0:23:26in the local pool and a man accidentally butterflied over me.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I mean, I lost my virginity so late in the end
0:23:32 > 0:23:33that, when it finally happened,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I wasn't so much deflowered as dead headed.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42But I wish I was sexually confident. Like in my 20s.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I'd love to be like that. I'd love to have been a player.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47We all know people like this,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49people who are going to go, like, "I'm going to go out tonight
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"and I'm going to get laid." I would love to be like that.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53I'd love to be the sort of person
0:23:53 > 0:23:57who could just walk into any nightclub, with my towel...
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Like, gold Duke of Edinburgh award-winning piece of ass right here.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Strippers, that's another person.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Weirdly, I admire strippers.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I would love to be like a stripper.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I would love to just be able to
0:24:16 > 0:24:19stand on stage and own it, know I was sexy.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21That would be awesome, you know?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I would be the world's worst lap dancer.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27I could not sit on a man's knee and not want to make giddy-up noises.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31And strip joints, they're designed to be alluring.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I challenge anyone, if you agree with them or not,
0:24:33 > 0:24:34to walk past a strip joint
0:24:34 > 0:24:37and a bit of you is not like, "What's happening?"
0:24:37 > 0:24:39You've got the blacked out windows and the bouncers.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42There is always a bit of you that's like, "Oh, my God.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44"What are they doing in there?"
0:24:44 > 0:24:47And it's exactly the same feeling as when I was a kid and I used to walk
0:24:47 > 0:24:49past the school staffroom.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52You walk past it and you'd be like,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"Oh, man, what is happening in there?"
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It turns out both are full of adults
0:24:56 > 0:24:59whose lives didn't work out as planned.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06The thing I find the weirdest about strip joints, everywhere you go,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09all these big signs, "Do not touch the women.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11"Please do not touch the ladies."
0:25:11 > 0:25:14The strippers always say, the fact that the men can't touch us,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16that's what makes our job really empowering.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19And I always think, well, that's not really empowering, is it,
0:25:19 > 0:25:24cos that's the same rule in every other workplace in the country.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31You don't walk into a shop and it says, "Welcome to Tesco's,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"don't finger the staff."
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I'm a terrible flirt.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44And not, "Ooh, she's a terrible flirt,"
0:25:44 > 0:25:47but, "Did she just mention ringworms?" sort of flirt.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I didn't realise I was going out with my husband for the first year.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I thought we were just friends with benefits -
0:25:54 > 0:25:57the benefits in question being Orange Wednesdays.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01But we have our relationship.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03We have our marriage. That is going OK.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06There's one rule we stick to that is the secret to our marriage.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09There is a very strict no farting rule.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11We do not fart in front of each other.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12It is hard. It is difficult.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14But, to me, that is what love is about.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17And, honestly, I am human, I have failed.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I'll admit it to you. But I've only ever farted three times
0:26:19 > 0:26:22in front of my husband in the seven years we've been together.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24First time cos I was very ill.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Second time cos I sort of tripped on the stairs and it was out of shock.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32And the third time cos he was telling me off in the car
0:26:32 > 0:26:34and the timing was too perfect.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I had no idea what I was going to do when I left school.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44No idea. We had careers advice.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47We had one lesson, that was it, in careers advice.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Everyone was given a questionnaire and the first question
0:26:50 > 0:26:51on the questionnaire said,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"In a perfect world, what would your job be?"
0:26:55 > 0:26:57And the boy next to me wrote, "War correspondent."
0:26:59 > 0:27:01In a perfect world.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09But I hate offending people.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I am so worried about it the whole time.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Like, women! We, women!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16We are very easily offended and I, honestly,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I curse myself as one of those bitches.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Like, we... We do not like...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22We do not like questions to be asked of us a lot.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25It's not our fault, it's those social taboos that come in.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27For example, you can't ask a woman her age.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30If you do ask a woman her age, she'll always go,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32"How old do you think I am? And you're like,
0:27:32 > 0:27:34"No, that is a factual question.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"You cannot throw that back in my face."
0:27:36 > 0:27:38That's like saying, "What's your house number?"
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"What do you think my house number is?"
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Er...
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"27?"
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"No, it's 32, but thank you."
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Cos that's what you do when you have to guess a woman's age.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51You have a guess at their age
0:27:51 > 0:27:54and then minus five years, and then when I say it, you just go,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"Oh, you don't look that age."
0:27:56 > 0:27:59It's just ridiculous. But this can backfire.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02My brother was kissing a lady at New Year, having a lovely time.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Kissing and cuddling. He thought they were about the same age.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09The girl was like, "How old are you?" My brother was like,
0:28:09 > 0:28:13"Oh, I'm 33, how old are you?" And the girl was like, "21."
0:28:13 > 0:28:17And without thinking, my brother went, "Wow, you don't look 21."
0:28:17 > 0:28:20She was like, "Oh, how old do you think I am?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24And he's like... "16?"
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I get very worried about offending people.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34I'm so paranoid about saying the wrong thing, honestly.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37A few months ago... Basically it was my first night out
0:28:37 > 0:28:40since the baby was born and I had a couple of real ales,
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I had a glass of white wine which is never a good idea.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45I have never once drunk white wine and not used the phrase,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47"Why don't you just dump me, then?"
0:28:50 > 0:28:52We were a bit...we were a bit tipsy.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55We'd had a couple. And halfway through the evening
0:28:55 > 0:28:57my friend was like, "Oh, my God.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"I've just worked out who you look like to me."
0:28:59 > 0:29:03And I go, "Who?" And he goes, "You look like a young Mary Berry."
0:29:06 > 0:29:10I was like, fine. She's a good GILF. Yeah, fine.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14My friend looks just like Denzel Washington, like,
0:29:14 > 0:29:17identical to Denzel Washington.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18I was just about to tell him
0:29:18 > 0:29:20when my stupid white middle-class brain said,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23you cannot tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26You can't do that. Because he's going to think you're only saying
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Denzel Washington because they're both black.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32And, just like the Oscars, you can't think of many black actors.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35He's going to think you're a massive racist.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Do you want that? Huh? And then my brain went, yeah,
0:29:39 > 0:29:41but if you don't tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington,
0:29:41 > 0:29:44and, by the way, he does look a lot like Denzel Washington,
0:29:44 > 0:29:46just the same as I look like Mary Berry,
0:29:46 > 0:29:47and that's not racist to compare us,
0:29:47 > 0:29:49like, just like they do look similar,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51if you don't tell him he looks like Denzel Washington,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54then you're treating your friend differently because of the colour
0:29:54 > 0:29:57of his skin and that does make you a massive racist.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03And I was like, besides, Denzel Washington is super hot.
0:30:03 > 0:30:04Like, I remember as a teenager
0:30:04 > 0:30:06I watched Pelican Brief for the first time,
0:30:06 > 0:30:10I had a very vivid sex dream that Denzel butterflied over me.
0:30:15 > 0:30:16So I said to my friend,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19because I thought in my head, cos I'm not a racist,
0:30:19 > 0:30:22I'm just going to tell him he looks like Denzel, so I said, "Wow, well,
0:30:22 > 0:30:24"I've always thought you looked like Denzel Washington."
0:30:24 > 0:30:27My friend looked at me like a little bit confused and he went,
0:30:27 > 0:30:29"That's so weird!
0:30:29 > 0:30:32"Cos a lot of people say I look like Laurence Fishburne."
0:30:32 > 0:30:36And I was like, "Oh! That's who I meant!"
0:30:42 > 0:30:47Of course, he's the guy out of Fresh Prince. I am such a dick.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Anyway, you have been absolutely lovely.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Er... Thank you so much, goodnight!
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Holly Walsh, ladies and gentlemen!
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Are you ready for your second act of the evening?
0:31:08 > 0:31:11He's a very funny guy and a good friend of mine.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13I just want you to show him a lot of love,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15please give it up for Mr Jack Carroll!
0:31:36 > 0:31:39Hello, Live at the Apollo!
0:31:41 > 0:31:46Wow! I can see a few of you in the audience are struggling to place me.
0:31:47 > 0:31:48"Was he on the Paralympics?"
0:31:48 > 0:31:50No, that's not me.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53"Was he on Undateables?"
0:31:53 > 0:31:55It's not...
0:31:57 > 0:31:58It's not me.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02"Does he present Bake Off?"
0:32:09 > 0:32:11It's not me!
0:32:11 > 0:32:16Erm, I was actually a contestant on Britain's Got Talent.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19A few of you have twigged. I was that dog. So...
0:32:21 > 0:32:25It's lovely to be here. My mum calls me her little Superman.
0:32:25 > 0:32:31I was over the moon, until I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35It is lovely to be out of the house, London, cos I don't know about you,
0:32:35 > 0:32:39but my family are glued to that black box in the corner of the room.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42I mean, my grandad's been dead for months now.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48All joking aside, we do watch quite a lot of telly in our house.
0:32:48 > 0:32:53I was watching an episode of daytime cookery show The Hairy Bikers
0:32:53 > 0:32:58recently, where the hairy bikers walked round Auschwitz
0:32:58 > 0:33:00and then made a goulash.
0:33:04 > 0:33:10Now, let's just examine that for a second.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16Who, after walking around Auschwitz, and having their eyes opened
0:33:16 > 0:33:20to the full extent of human depravity goes,
0:33:20 > 0:33:24"Well, I'm a bit peckish.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27"I fancy a goulash!"
0:33:27 > 0:33:30What's next? Cash In The Attic at the Anne Frank Museum?
0:33:34 > 0:33:38I've recently started swimming again.
0:33:38 > 0:33:39And I love the swimming pool,
0:33:39 > 0:33:42because in there I can do my two favourite things -
0:33:42 > 0:33:44urinate in public and drown people.
0:33:47 > 0:33:52My swimming stroke would best be described as how you might look
0:33:52 > 0:33:55if you dropped a toaster in the bath.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03The one positive to having such an eclectic swimming stroke is
0:34:03 > 0:34:06that you have to command your lane in the swimming pool,
0:34:06 > 0:34:08you can't take any prisoners.
0:34:08 > 0:34:13And because my swimming stroke is so lethal, it's fantastic for that.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17I've knocked out four old women this week.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19And that's just on land.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24I also recently went skiing.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30Takes a couple of seconds to compute that sentence in relation
0:34:30 > 0:34:33to this thing, doesn't it? I can see a few of you thinking,
0:34:33 > 0:34:36"Can Northerners go skiing?"
0:34:43 > 0:34:45We can.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Although my skiing instructor had much the same reaction
0:34:48 > 0:34:51as you guys when I walked up in the frame.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53He was like, "What, you?
0:34:53 > 0:34:56"Really? Does he know he's disabled?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59"Has anyone... sat him down and told him?
0:34:59 > 0:35:01"Well, they're not going to stand him up, are they?
0:35:01 > 0:35:03"That would be counter-productive."
0:35:04 > 0:35:09But I did! I skied, stood up successfully.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13And most people, if they were in my situation and that happened to them,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16would think, as the wind was flowing through their hair and the snow was
0:35:16 > 0:35:19crunching underneath their feet, they would think,
0:35:19 > 0:35:23what a fantastic achievement that is, against all the odds.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26I thought, "Oh, shit, I'm going to lose some benefits."
0:35:29 > 0:35:33I just had to just throw myself over...
0:35:33 > 0:35:36in case the government were watching.
0:35:36 > 0:35:37Better safe than sorry.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41It's lovely to be here.
0:35:41 > 0:35:46In my time in London, I have actually picked up a few London phrases that
0:35:46 > 0:35:50seem to act as kryptonite to Northerners, such as myself.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52I'm going to reel a few of these off now,
0:35:52 > 0:35:55London phrases that act as kryptonite to Northerners.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59Number one - "What's a Greggs?"
0:36:04 > 0:36:08Number two - "£5 is actually pretty reasonable for a pint."
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Number three - "Siri understands every word I say!"
0:36:23 > 0:36:27Number four - "Actually, it's not OK to hit your kids."
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Bloody Londoners and your new-fangled attitudes
0:36:33 > 0:36:35towards parenting. What are you like?
0:36:35 > 0:36:41I, um... I was in London recently and, on a side note,
0:36:41 > 0:36:44if you're trying to get a taxi in central London,
0:36:44 > 0:36:47maybe don't use a walking frame?
0:36:47 > 0:36:49I was trying to hail a cab in central London
0:36:49 > 0:36:52and all the taxis just turned their lights off in a big row,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59It felt like being the Yorkshire Ripper on an episode of Take Me Out.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06One of the first times I came to London was for the Pride of Britain
0:37:06 > 0:37:10in 2012, where Rolf Harris sung to me in a lift.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14This is completely true.
0:37:14 > 0:37:19He sung a song about a boy with a shovel for a face.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22No amount of therapy can get you through that.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Can you tell what it is yet? It's his cock, it's always...
0:37:30 > 0:37:35I went back to the Pride of Britain recently and they sat me on the same
0:37:35 > 0:37:39table as Professor Stephen Hawking.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42I was half expecting Craig Charles to run in at one point and shout,
0:37:42 > 0:37:45"Robot Wars!"
0:37:48 > 0:37:52I got a couple of texts from a couple of friends recently
0:37:52 > 0:37:55to say that my audition video for Britain's Got Talent
0:37:55 > 0:37:58had been shared around on Facebook.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02And I had a look and it had been shared around by a page with
0:38:02 > 0:38:05predominantly American and Australian fans,
0:38:05 > 0:38:08and they also didn't include my name.
0:38:08 > 0:38:14So I thought it might be funny to leave a negative comment as myself.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18So I put, "Sympathy-grabbing disabled prick."
0:38:20 > 0:38:22And I got some responses
0:38:22 > 0:38:26from some American folk who weren't best pleased.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30My favourite of which was, "How dare you say that about a person!
0:38:30 > 0:38:34"I'm going to put you in a wheelchair!"
0:38:34 > 0:38:37I thought, I've beat you to it, really, mate.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40It's already been done.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42I do prefer Facebook to Twitter,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45because I would rather get a happy birthday message from someone who
0:38:45 > 0:38:49didn't mean it than a death threat from someone who definitely did.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57I was having a chat with my little cousin recently and I asked him what
0:38:57 > 0:39:02he wanted to be when he grows up. And he said, "A YouTuber."
0:39:03 > 0:39:08That's an actual job nowadays, uploading YouTube videos.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10If you don't know who these guys are,
0:39:10 > 0:39:14what they do is they sit in front of a camera with a funny haircut
0:39:14 > 0:39:17and a beard, and just film themselves talking.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21Do you know who the first fella to do that was? Osama Bin Laden.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26And he doesn't get the credit, as far as I'm concerned.
0:39:26 > 0:39:31And I'm not saying YouTubers flew planes into the Twin Towers,
0:39:31 > 0:39:35but what I am saying is some of their content is equally harmful to
0:39:35 > 0:39:38humanity and they should be shot and thrown in the sea.
0:39:41 > 0:39:47Are any of you lot friends with a surprise Facebook racist?
0:39:49 > 0:39:52Might be you, I'm not judging your internet habits.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58But these guys, they're usually an old school friend,
0:39:58 > 0:40:01or someone that you haven't seen for a while.
0:40:01 > 0:40:06And then they just burst out of nowhere with a racist Facebook post.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08I saw one of these things recently.
0:40:08 > 0:40:13It was an image of a Muslim woman in a burqa and written across it was,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16"If a Muslim woman is allowed to wear a burqa,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19"then how come I'm not allowed to wear a big, white hood
0:40:19 > 0:40:23"and burn a cross on an ethnic minority's front lawn?
0:40:23 > 0:40:26"It's political correctness gone mad!"
0:40:27 > 0:40:30It's one rule for the immigrants
0:40:30 > 0:40:34and another for the imperial grand wizards!
0:40:34 > 0:40:38And if expressing that makes me a racist in the eyes of the liberals,
0:40:38 > 0:40:41then so be it!
0:40:41 > 0:40:46I thought, mate, that makes you a racist...
0:40:46 > 0:40:48in the eyes of other racists.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I was shocked.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54I didn't even know my grandma had Facebook.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59Well, I am going to go in just a second, but, before I do,
0:40:59 > 0:41:01I would very much... You seem like a lovely crowd,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04and I would very much like to try something with you.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Is that something you might be up for?
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- ALL:- Yes!- Lovely, you've agreed to it now. That's a verbal contract.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15A little bit of background. In my spare time,
0:41:15 > 0:41:20I like to watch videos of American faith healers on YouTube. Now...
0:41:23 > 0:41:25You've got to have a hobby.
0:41:26 > 0:41:30These guys, what they do, if you haven't seen them,
0:41:30 > 0:41:34they are American reverends who reckon they can cure
0:41:34 > 0:41:36pretty much any ailment, right?
0:41:36 > 0:41:39And I've picked up a few tips and tricks that I would like to put
0:41:39 > 0:41:42to the test here this evening, but I am going to need your help.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46So what I want you to do, on the count of three,
0:41:46 > 0:41:50is get up out of your seat, raise your hands to the sky
0:41:50 > 0:41:55and begin to chant, "Praise! Praise! Praise!"
0:41:55 > 0:41:58And I am going to see whether I can get myself
0:41:58 > 0:42:00into this sacred state and heal myself, OK?
0:42:00 > 0:42:04Are you ready for that? On the count of three. One, two, three.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07Up, up. Praise!
0:42:07 > 0:42:10- AUDIENCE:- Praise! Praise! Praise! Praise!
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Alleluia! It's a miracle!
0:42:19 > 0:42:21Yes! We did it!
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Yes! Praise be!
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Yes!
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Shit, is that someone from the benefits office?
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Right, well... I'd better be going.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Apollo, you've been absolutely beautiful.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43I've been Jack Carroll, goodnight and God bless, forever onwards,
0:42:43 > 0:42:45towards victory.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Jack Carroll, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:02 > 0:43:05And thanks to Jack Carroll, thanks to Holly Walsh,
0:43:05 > 0:43:08take care of yourselves, all the best!