0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight, Joe Lycett.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hammersmith Apollo, hello, everyone!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Give me an, "Ooh!"
0:00:40 > 0:00:41- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Give me an, "Ah, ha, ha, ha!"
0:00:43 > 0:00:44- AUDIENCE:- Ah, ha, ha, ha!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Yes! Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- AUDIENCE:- Hell, yeah!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Then, as camp as you can, give me an, "Ooh, no!"
0:00:52 > 0:00:53- AUDIENCE:- Ooh, no!
0:00:53 > 0:00:54You shook your head at that.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56He's going, "I'm not going to do a camp thing!"
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Give yourselves a round of applause.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Lovely.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Hello.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07So, right, I broke my elbow.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Did you? - I did. I got into a fight.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Did you win? - You should see the other guy.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14She's fine, she's back at school.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18No, I don't want to talk about the elbow.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I don't want to talk about it, cos, you know, I just want to keep it low-key.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23That's why I wore this sling.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24It's silver!
0:01:26 > 0:01:30What I've realised is I'm not going to be able to get up now.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I've really shat myself up, here, haven't I?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Right.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Ha!
0:01:45 > 0:01:49So I want to talk about Birmingham, because I'm from Birmingham.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Anyone from Birmingham in? CHEERING
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Oh, loads of you. Hello, welcome.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I want to talk about my friend, Claire. She's from Dudley.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58If you don't know Dudley, they have very thick accents there.
0:01:58 > 0:02:04IN A BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: She sort of talks like that, like she's waiting to die.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I love Claire, but she's a few condoms short of an orgy, that girl.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12She microwaves her clothes to dry them.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17She never cleans the microwave, so she always smells of baked beans.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And she gets so drunk. Anyone getting drunk tonight?
0:02:20 > 0:02:22CHEERING Oh, a few of you. OK.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Out of jobs. OK.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26She gets so drunk.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28We go out gay clubbing, you see.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31You know, we'll club a gay to death maybe once a month.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35HE SIGHS Oh, she gets so drunk!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I had to put her in a cab before midnight the other week.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40She'd got this bag of chips covered in curry sauce.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42She's not very graceful in heels at the best of times,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45she sort of looks like when I put toilet rolls on my cat's legs.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46You know, just sort of...
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Taxi driver spotted her a mile off.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51He's like, "You're not coming in this cab with those chips."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54She went, "All I want in my life is these chips.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56"That's all I've ever wanted."
0:02:56 > 0:02:59He's like, "If you soil the cab in any way, you'll have to pay a big fine."
0:02:59 > 0:03:02She says, "I won't, I promise, I just want these chips."
0:03:02 > 0:03:03He was like, "All right."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I open the door for her, she tripped,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07just pissed the chips into the cab!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It was like all over the window, into the chair.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Basically, she was so drunk she just went, "Shhh!"
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and started pushing them into the road. She's not right, she's not right!
0:03:16 > 0:03:20When she gets drunk, she comes up with these little wisdoms, these little philosophies.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23She's come up with one I'm trying to live my life by.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Claire thinks if somebody is difficult with you in life,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29awkward, making your life hard for any reason,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31you shouldn't try and rationalise with them,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33you shouldn't try and speak with them on their level,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36you should try and out-weird them.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Which came very useful for me in my local post office.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41There's a woman in my local post office, I don't like her.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44She's been there 20 years. She's smug.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47She's got one of those faces that's so smug it sort of folds into itself.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51She looks like someone's punched a quiche.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54AND she's called Lorraine.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58She's always got some quip, some line.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I went in with my passport form, I was getting a new passport,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03and they do a check-and-send service in the post office.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06So I handed the form and she licked a finger, and went through and went,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"Oh, your referee has spelt 'neighbour' wrong."
0:04:09 > 0:04:10And I went, "What?"
0:04:10 > 0:04:14She's like, "He's missed out the H on 'neighbour'. You'll have to fill it in again."
0:04:14 > 0:04:15I said, "Well, surely that's all right?"
0:04:15 > 0:04:19And she went, "No, no, there can be no risk of any confusion as to what that word means.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"You'll have to fill it in again." Pushed it back at me.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I thought, I'm not having this. It takes ages to fill out that form.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27You have to send off for it, you have to get a referee.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I thought, I'm not having it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30So I thought, I'll be a bit weird with her.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35So, I went, "Oh, no, sorry, he's not my neighbour, he's my doctor."
0:04:35 > 0:04:38She went, "What?" I said, "He's misspelt 'doctor'."
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"Doctor, obviously spelt D-O-C-T-O-R,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44"he's spelt it N-E-I-G-B-O-U-R. He spelt doctor wrong."
0:04:44 > 0:04:47And she went, "No, that clearly says 'neighbour'."
0:04:47 > 0:04:49SARCASTICALLY: "Oh, does it?"
0:04:56 > 0:04:57And then I glassed her.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Um!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Now... Oh, I've got a question.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Anyone in from Isis?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09No-one saying "no" very quickly.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I was thinking about Isis the other day. I was thinking, why would you join Isis?
0:05:12 > 0:05:17I think the people that join Isis, they have a lack of love in their hearts, that's what I think.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You can't push a gay off a bridge with love in your heart.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Believe me, I've tried!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I was thinking, where is there an abundance of love in the universe?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27And I realised - it's Grindr.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31So, I've signed up to Grindr posing as an Isis militant.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Go with me!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36If you don't know what Grindr is,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39it's the dating app, it's like a gay Tinder.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I say it's dating, it's an absolute fuck-fest.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48So I'd had a few conversations. A guy called Craig was the first one.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50He put, "Lol, are you Isis?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I said, "Yes, death to the West."
0:05:55 > 0:06:01He put, "OMG, I know a drag act called Alexandra Burqa, you'd love her."
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Alexandra Burqa!
0:06:02 > 0:06:03AS X FACTOR VOICE: Alexandra Burqa!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I'd love that!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I was in character as an Isis militant, though, so I said, "Doesn't sound very good."
0:06:10 > 0:06:14He said, "Yeah, to be fair, it is shit. Do you want to meet?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:16So, success, someone willing to love someone from Isis.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Next one, oh, I was pleased with this.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21It was James, his name was.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22He put, "Want a blow?"
0:06:22 > 0:06:24I put, "What building?"
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Completely unacceptable.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32He put, "OK...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"Tell me more about yourself."
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I said, "I serve the Islamic State."
0:06:37 > 0:06:39He put, "I serve in Wagamama's."
0:06:39 > 0:06:40He actually did! He did!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Then I didn't reply for a bit, because I was a bit busy.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I got another message about an hour later.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49He put, "Tell me, if you could do anything,
0:06:49 > 0:06:50"what would you want to do to me?"
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I said, "I would destroy you and your civilisation."
0:06:55 > 0:06:56He put, "That's hot."
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Where shall we meet?"
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I said, "In hell!"
0:07:01 > 0:07:05He put, "Is that a nightclub?" So, I think that's a success.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Final one, Barry, bless Barry.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08He put, "ASL?",
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Which means age, sex, location, if you're not familiar.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I put, "18, male, Syria."
0:07:15 > 0:07:16He put, "Syria?"
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I said, "Yes, I'm serious."
0:07:23 > 0:07:25He put, "Ha-ha, I'm in Milton Keynes."
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I said, "Milton Keynes is full of whores."
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He put, "OMG, tell me about it."
0:07:36 > 0:07:37A bit of business I've been up to.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41So, yes, I live in Birmingham still.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I know I don't have the accent. I know, I just never had it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48I was watching Fox News the other week.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The reputable news source that is Fox News.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55They described Birmingham as 100% Muslim.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Salaam Alaikum.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Alaikum Salaam's what you say back. Don't worry, we'll work it out.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I was interested in that, because 100% Muslim they said.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07There's a sort of truth in it, there's a lot of Muslims in Birmingham.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08A lot of all cultures there.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11We're known for being multicultural. We're quite good at it, really.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14One of the most famous Muslims in Birmingham is Malala Yousafzai.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I don't know if people are familiar with her? Yes, she's brilliant!
0:08:17 > 0:08:18CHEERING Yes, yes.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20If you don't know who she is, she's an 18-year-old schoolgirl
0:08:20 > 0:08:23who was shot at by the Taliban for wanting to be educated.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26She now goes to Edgbaston High School For Girls.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29It's a private school, I don't think she pays the fees.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I personally would hate to go to school with Malala Yousafzai.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Can you imagine a show-and-tell day with Malala?
0:08:38 > 0:08:42"OK, class, what have you brought in? Sally, let's start with you."
0:08:42 > 0:08:47And Sally goes, "I've brought in a papier mache cat that I made."
0:08:49 > 0:08:53"OK, anyone else bring anything in. Malala, did you bring anything in?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"This Nobel Peace Prize."
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"Sally, you're a piece of shit!"
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I'd hate to be her teacher as well.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06You wouldn't be able to tell Malala off for anything.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07"You on your phone, Malala?"
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"Texting Barack Obama, actually, so..."
0:09:10 > 0:09:15"Oh, sorry! Um... Sally, you're a piece of shit."
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Poor Sally. No, I made her up.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21No, I was annoyed about that. I was annoyed when they said we're 100% Muslim,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24because when they say things like that, there's a subtext, isn't there?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26What they're saying is that we should be worried about that -
0:09:26 > 0:09:28there's something terrifying, frightening about Muslims.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I think we've got a problem.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I think we're using the word Muslim far too quickly to describe people
0:09:34 > 0:09:37doing atrocities, when they don't represent Muslims any more than I do.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41And I think we should be using a more accurate word for those people,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43which I'm going to argue is "knobhead".
0:09:47 > 0:09:50It's a political rally now, don't worry.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52There'd be levels of knobhead.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56You'd have a moderate knobhead, all the way up to fundamental knobhead.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59And if we all did it, if we all did it, the news would have to catch up.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01They'd have to go, "Today, two knobheads bombed a car."
0:10:01 > 0:10:04They'd have to do it if we all...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06And it wouldn't necessarily be to do with terrorist activity,
0:10:06 > 0:10:12not just that, just ANY knobhead-y activity would get the knobhead word. I've thought of some.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16People that wear a festival wristband AFTER a festival.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21The worst! "I went to Reading..."
0:10:21 > 0:10:24It's November, you're in a Costa, you're a knobhead!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Couples that put a lock on a bridge.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34You're both knobheads, sorry. Hate that, hate it.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Sanctimonious mothers.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Have to be careful here, I don't mean all mothers by any means,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42just a lot of my friends are having kids at the minute
0:10:42 > 0:10:46and it's the sort of mothers that go, "Don't tell me how to raise my kids!"
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And you're like, OK,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52but she is trying to eat a Petits Filous with an electric razor, so...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57You're a bit of a knobhead, aren't you? Ever so slightly!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Amanda Holden, fundamental knobhead.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04I just don't like her, I don't like her!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Don't encourage me, because I'm sure she's lovely,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I just think she's despicable.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13No, I don't have a problem with Muslims in Birmingham at all,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16happy to have them, I think they add to our city and to our culture.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I think the big problem we have in Birmingham,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20it's happening around the country, actually...
0:11:20 > 0:11:24We have a lot of artisan coffee shops.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26You know the sort of places I'm on about?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Shoreditch is full of them, kind of like distressed wood,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31that kind of thing.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34And they serve flat whites and they'll say things like,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"We support local artists."
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And you know that because the art on the wall is shit.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Dozens, dozens in Birmingham, they're all shit.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Oh, no, there's one I quite like, there's one I quite like.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I can't say the name for legal reasons.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54They do an avocado and feta smash!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Very aggressive word, I feel,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02for what is essentially pressing with a fork.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Avocado and feta smash.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And for £1, £1.50 extra, you can get a poached egg on top.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08It's a lovely way to start the day.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I went in recently and I said to the girl,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I said "I'd like the avocado and feta smash, please, with a poached egg".
0:12:13 > 0:12:18And she went, "Oh, we don't do the egg any more."
0:12:18 > 0:12:19I said, "why's that?"
0:12:19 > 0:12:22She went, "The kitchen was struggling to cope."
0:12:25 > 0:12:29When I hear the phrase "struggling to cope", I think of, I don't know,
0:12:29 > 0:12:34a single mother, trying to juggle career, childcare, heartbreak.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I don't think of someone cooking a fucking egg!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43So I'm boycotting them now. Boycotting them.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45We've got a 24-hour Starbucks as well.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Nobody asked for one, we've got one.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52The staff at 4am - genetically closer to a moth.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I've only been in once, it was about 4am, actually.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I got back late from a show, I thought, I'll treat myself, have a hot chocolate.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01The guy behind the counter obviously couldn't cope with daylight
0:13:01 > 0:13:03or anything because he was like, "Can I take a name"?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I was like "Yeah, it's Joe. Can I ask why?"
0:13:06 > 0:13:08He was like, "Just in case the order gets confused."
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I looked around an empty Starbucks.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Shuffled along to the service counter,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17took him ages to make it and then he went, "Hot chocolate for John."
0:13:20 > 0:13:21So to prove a point, I just waited.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"John will be here in a minute, won't he?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, he loves a hot chocolate, our John!"
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Now, I'm going to tell you a final thing
0:13:32 > 0:13:35and then I'm going to bring on your first act.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Are you up for this?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37CHEERING
0:13:37 > 0:13:40What I want to tell you about is the thing I've been doing in my office.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41I've got this office in Birmingham,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44it's like a little space that I sort of write stuff in and whatever,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and I've got, like, this snap frame on the door, which is where
0:13:47 > 0:13:50the other businesses have their business name.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53But I'm not a business, so I just leave it blank most of the time.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56But sometimes I get drunk in the office and I put silly things in the snap frame.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And I just did a thing where I put in the snap frame,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I put a sign up, I put a sign up which said,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"Have you seen this cat?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:08with a picture underneath it that's clearly a fox.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Then I just put,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12"Missing from the area, answers to the name of Samantha Peterson.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Any information to Peter at PeterPeterson@Gmail.com."
0:14:15 > 0:14:16I just made up these things.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Made myself smile, didn't think of it again
0:14:18 > 0:14:22until a couple of days later I got an e-mail from Carol.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Carol wrote,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"Mr Lycett, it has come to our attention that you have a sign
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"for a lost cat in your office door snap frame.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"May I remind you that it states in your contract that we have a strict
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"policy on animals in the building, as this is a workplace.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"Animals are not permitted, and anyone found with animals
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"in their units could have their contract terminated.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41"Regards, Carol, Management Assistant."
0:14:41 > 0:14:44First of all, I checked the contract, nothing in there about animals,
0:14:44 > 0:14:45so she's got nothing on me.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Second of all, it's a picture of a fox, Carol.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I replied...
0:14:53 > 0:14:57"Hello, Carol. My apologies, there has been a simple misunderstanding.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"There is indeed a sign for a lost cat in the snap frame,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"but Samantha Peterson is not my cat.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07"I am attempting to find her as I believe she has been stealing from me.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15"I popped into the office late one night last week
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"and discovered that my collection of antique biscuits had been disturbed."
0:15:21 > 0:15:26"Outside the building I spotted a cat and instinctively shouted, Samantha Peterson!"
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"The cat turned, and so I deduced that is her name.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"I know she has my biscuits.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"Any help you can provide would be most appreciated.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41"Many thanks, Joe Lycett."
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Carol sent me a reply.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"Mr Lycett, I'm sorry to hear about the disruption at your office,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"but I would like to politely ask you to take the sign down.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51"The surrounding businesses have made complaints
0:15:51 > 0:15:54"that their clients are being disturbed by your sign..."
0:15:54 > 0:15:56How you can be disturbed by a sign, I don't know.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58She sent me another e-mail straight after, she said,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"Also, can I ask what the Peter Peterson e-mail address is on the sign?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05"Are you sharing the office space? Because it's a sole occupancy."
0:16:05 > 0:16:09I replied, "Hello, Carol, no, Peter is my private investigator.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13"He has agreed to live in the office and work on this case for
0:16:13 > 0:16:16"as long as is necessary.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"I've replaced the sign, with my compliments. Many thanks, Joe."
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I replaced the sign with the same picture of a fox,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23just with "Wanted dead or alive" over it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30A day later, another e-mail from Carol.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"Mr Lycett, we've had more complaints
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"that you've replaced the sign with a very similar sign.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"Also, you can't have anyone living in your office.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"Is there a time we can speak on the phone today?
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"It would be easier to discuss this rather than over e-mail. Regards, Carol."
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I didn't want to speak to her over the phone, so I replied,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"Carol, I'm afraid that will not be possible.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"I've been advised by Peter Peterson that I shouldn't use the phone
0:16:51 > 0:16:52"as it could be bugged."
0:16:58 > 0:17:00She replied, "OK, Mr Lycett,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"I just had one of our security guys go round
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"and there is no-one answering the door and the lights appear to be off,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"so I'm fairly confident your investigator isn't living in the office.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09"As long as you don't have pets in the office,
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"I'm happy to forget the whole thing. Regards, Carol."
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Very diplomatic, very considerate, on Carol's part.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16I replied.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"Carol, Carol, Carol..."
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"Of course your security man didn't spot Peter Peterson -
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"he is a private investigator.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29"And shape shifter.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30"He lives in the cracks.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"He's watching you when you least expect it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"He lives in the shadows of your darkest fears
0:17:34 > 0:17:37"and your weakest moments when you're naked and vulnerable,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39"he's there, watching, waiting, protecting.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"He lives through all of us, within us, beside us.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45"He's the breath on the back of your neck, the breeze in your hair, the moisture in the air. Cheers, Joe."
0:17:53 > 0:17:54I also put,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57"PS, also, FYI, I found Samantha Peterson last night.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"I slaughtered her as a sacrifice to our beloved gods
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"and burned the body in a tribal ceremony.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"I took the sign down this morning."
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Carol replied, "Thank you."
0:18:15 > 0:18:17OK!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19So, yeah, I'm going to introduce the first act now.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I love this guy. I've worked with him for years,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24since we both started stand-up, and I just think he's wonderful.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27So please give all your love and warmth for the amazing
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Ivo Graham!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Good evening, Live At The Apollo!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52My name's Ivo. I'm going to tell you a few things about myself.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Let's start off with the big news, I've got Amazon Prime.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Not sure how many of you are currently riding
0:18:59 > 0:19:01the Amazon Prime wagon.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02It's a hell of a wagon to ride,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05living in the next-day delivery dream.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07What a thrill.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Or at least it was, for the first month.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You know how it is, just meant to be a bit of fun before Christmas,
0:19:13 > 0:19:14really, but...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Forgot to cancel the trial in time.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Now I'm trapped.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Walking around every day with an Amazon Prime subscription
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I neither want nor need.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27The world's shittest superpower.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Going up to strangers in the street,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32"Do you need anything tomorrow? It can be arranged."
0:19:34 > 0:19:35But people are jealous.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Like my flatmate, he tried to muscle in on my Amazon Prime action.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42He said, "I need a book quite urgently, would you mind ordering it for me off your account?"
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I said, "Yeah, sure, why not? Spread the love."
0:19:45 > 0:19:48But then overnight, had a bit of a change of heart,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50thought to myself, you know what? No!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54My Prime privilege is not something to be bandied around willy-nilly.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I've paid my money - I didn't mean to, but I have.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59I've joined an exclusive club
0:19:59 > 0:20:03and it's not for me to bail-out the muggles.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04So that book arrived the following morning
0:20:04 > 0:20:09and I kept it in my possession for another two to four working days.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Because I'm an extremely petty man.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13What else can I tell you about myself?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I've got a girlfriend, that's very exciting.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Yes.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Or at least it was, for the first month.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You know how it is -
0:20:22 > 0:20:26just meant to be a bit of fun before Christmas, really, but...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I forgot to cancel the trial in time.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Now I'm trapped.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I'm joking. I am extremely grateful.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I was a very late starter
0:20:37 > 0:20:38to the whole world of sex and relationships.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I remember there was a bet amongst my group of friends at school
0:20:41 > 0:20:44that I'd be the guy in the group that would not have sex
0:20:44 > 0:20:45until after they left school.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47To most people, that's an insult.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50To me, very much challenge accepted.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I took those expectations and I surpassed them
0:20:52 > 0:20:57by the length of an additional educational establishment.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58I'm not ashamed of that,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00tried to turn it into something I'm sort of proud of,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02like a sort of modesty Top Trump.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Obviously I'm well aware that age of virginity loss,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08not an official category in most official Top Trump sets, but...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I like to imagine that it is, because if you had this guy,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13your opponent would need to be packing
0:21:13 > 0:21:16some pretty strong Christians or he'd be going home.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I wasn't helped when I was growing up by the fact that
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I spent most of my childhood at an all-boys boarding school.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24My parents sent me away to an all-boys boarding school
0:21:24 > 0:21:26for the first time when I was seven years old.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I don't blame them. It was a good decision. I was a shit.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I was asking too many questions.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34The big questions, questions no parents are prepared to answer.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36How are babies made?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37What's happened to the dog?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Why does Home Alone 3 have a different child?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Too many questions.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"Send him away at the earliest possible juncture,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"let somebody else explain Macaulay's problems to the boy."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52For five years as a teenager I studied at probably
0:21:52 > 0:21:55the least popular all-boys boarding school of them all.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I studied at a school called Eton College.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I like to drop that quite early into all of my stand-up sets,
0:21:59 > 0:22:03just in case anyone in the crowd was liking me too much.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I wasn't a popular kid at Eton, but I wasn't bullied, no,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08and I'll tell you why, because I was house catering rep.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Nobody fucked around with the house catering rep,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'll tell you that much for free.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Or, to narrow it down,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20nobody with a nut allergy fucked around with the house catering rep.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22The rest of the boys, not so bothered, admittedly,
0:22:22 > 0:22:24but those select few,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27living every day in constant fear of the genuine anaphylactic danger
0:22:27 > 0:22:29that I posed.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Skulking around in the canteen,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34big bag of macadamias poking out my pocket,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37as if to say, "You know who I am, and you know what I'm capable of."
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Most exciting times for me as a teenager,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43going to parties in my holidays.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Usually about one party a year, just to keep my hand in.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I wasn't invited by girls my own age, no,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I was invited by their mums, who in turn were asked to do so by my mum.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54My mum was like my agent, back in the day.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Very popular mum on the East Wiltshire social scene.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Some of that popularity trickled down
0:23:00 > 0:23:01and I'd go to these parties and I'd be a hit -
0:23:01 > 0:23:04not with the girls my own age, but with their mums,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06because the mums trusted me.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08They knew what they were getting from the other boys
0:23:08 > 0:23:09at their daughters' parties,
0:23:09 > 0:23:13getting red wine stains in the carpet and sexually transmitted infections.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Not from this guy. They knew what they were getting from me -
0:23:15 > 0:23:18a box of Quality Street at the start of the night,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20a hand with the washing up after dinner,
0:23:20 > 0:23:24and a thank you letter in first class post the following day.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I don't like to boast too much on stage, but I'm not ashamed to say
0:23:26 > 0:23:30that I write a fucking good thank you letter.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33All the trimmings, ink fountain pen, velum parchment paper,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35one crazy summer even experimented with a wax seal.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39The overheads were too crippling in the end,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42but it was a hell of a summer, I can tell you.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44It's a disappearing art in the digital age,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47the old-fashioned thank you letter. I loved it, the formality of it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Writing my address in the top right-hand corner,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52just in case any of the mums wanted to write back.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55They never did, but I gave them the option.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Date underneath, the classic six-figure date formation -
0:23:57 > 0:23:59day, month, year.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Unless it was an American family, obviously, in which case
0:24:01 > 0:24:05still day, month, year, because they must learn.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Changing the world one letter at a time.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Sometimes I was so keen to get started on my thank you letter
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I'd start it while still at the party itself.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Usually in the late hours of the night a schism would occur,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26everyone else would be in the next dorm playing spin the bottle or strip poker,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30I'd be on my own at the desk, bashing out the first draft,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33deciding whether or not to dedicate an entire paragraph
0:24:33 > 0:24:34to the Viennetta.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I went to university and things got more exciting at university.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44There were girls there, I became friends with them, sometimes good friends.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I was often told by my female friends
0:24:46 > 0:24:49that I would make a great boyfriend.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53These females and their addiction to the hypothetical tense.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56When will they have the courage to turn these theories into a reality?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I'm sure a few of us here have been told that we would make great boyfriends or great girlfriends.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05One of those compliments which loses its appeal quite quickly, I think,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09like being told by your computer you have excellent password strength.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Eventually the compliment wears off.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I know I've got a good password.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19How about a bit more attention to my banging secret question?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21The real jewel in the crown,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24an entire childhood spent misleading people about who my best friend
0:25:24 > 0:25:26was specifically with this in mind.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33At university it stopped being about going to parties,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35started being about going to clubs.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I'm not having a go at clubs.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39As an adult now I quite enjoy going to clubs, I go quite often,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I'm an absolute slave to the rhythm.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Back in the day, very nervous,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48and never more nervous than the first time it was proposed that
0:25:48 > 0:25:50we travel to London specially for a club night.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I remember consulting the itinerary that afternoon saying,
0:25:53 > 0:25:57"Guys, I've seen when our train gets in and when the last train home departs.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01"That's going to afford us about 45 mins max of boogie time, what's going on?"
0:26:01 > 0:26:04To which I received a truly chilling response.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05The guy said, "Oh, no, you've got it wrong -
0:26:05 > 0:26:09"not the last train home tonight, first train home in the morning."
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Does anything send more of a shiver down the spine of a nervous debut
0:26:11 > 0:26:13clubber than that?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15You guys know how UK train tickets work -
0:26:15 > 0:26:19that's going to exceed the remit of our same-day return.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21There's no next-day return!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I was being asked to stump up for an open return,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27commit to a potential month of clubbing.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32A month spent at the O2 Academy Brixton,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35me and 3,000 of South London's rudest boys.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38As I found out as I entered my second hour of
0:26:38 > 0:26:40holding the door open for them.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Listened to drum and bass, a genre I thought I would enjoy.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I quite enjoy bands without a guitar player.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Thought we'd be listening to something like Keane.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55There were no other Keane fans in the O2 Academy Brixton that night,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59or at least no others wearing an official band T-shirt.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01It was a night of crime.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03People were breaking into the venue without tickets,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06people were smoking indoors, people were doing drugs in the loos.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Not having a go at any of these things,
0:27:07 > 0:27:10we've all broken the rules at some point in our lives.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I once sold multipack cans of Coke individually at a church fete.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Made a sweet, sweet £4 profit off my mum's friend, Yvonne.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19We're all going to hell.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Got no objection to it.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I was often told by my friends at university that
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I would make a great drug-taker.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31But I wasn't partaking in any illegal activities that night.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34However, despite this, I was mistaken on the dance floor
0:27:34 > 0:27:37not just for a drug-taker, but for a drug dealer.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Man caught me rubbing my gums,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40misunderstood the situation, approached me,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42attempted to make a purchase.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45There's no lower moment in your life than when you have to explain
0:27:45 > 0:27:49to a potential client that what you are applying is not, in fact, MDMA, but Bonjela.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53That's right, my good man, and in a couple of hours' time
0:27:53 > 0:27:57you guys will be coming up and my ulcers are going to be going down.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Had to push on through till brunch.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06My life has improved now as an adult man with a girlfriend.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10It's given me a new confidence, a confidence bordering, admittedly, on smugness.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Of course you're going to feel smug, walking around town every day with a girlfriend on your arm.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17In my opinion, the third best thing you can walk around town with,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20after £100 in cash and a water bottle you filled up at home.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Not a perfectly universal feeling, that,
0:28:24 > 0:28:29but there's a few legends in the room who know what it's like.
0:28:29 > 0:28:34That thrill, sashaying about the place with a bottle of pre-filled faux-Evian on the go,
0:28:34 > 0:28:39sometimes pre-refrigerated on the days when you're really nailing life.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Looking at strangers on the Tube thinking,
0:28:41 > 0:28:46"You're probably thinking I bought this bottle of Vittel from a shop. Bloody did, in 2012."
0:28:51 > 0:28:55And having a girlfriend is nearly as exciting as that.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56I like it.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I remember the first time I went back to my girlfriend's flat.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02We met, we kissed at a party - finally I'd kissed a girl at a party,
0:29:02 > 0:29:03and what a kiss it was.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06If I had to rate the kissing, probably rate it as 12A,
0:29:06 > 0:29:0812A-rated kissing action,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10in that my parents weren't there,
0:29:10 > 0:29:13but their presence would have been reassuring at times.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19We then decided to share a taxi from the party.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22It was a taxi of purely geographical logic, I can't stress that enough.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Her flat was halfway between the party and my flat,
0:29:25 > 0:29:26it made sense to share.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29The route was eccentric, but not implausible.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31It would stand up in court.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Taxi pulls up outside her flat, she turns to me, she says,
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"Oh, you can just come and stay the night here, if you want?"
0:29:36 > 0:29:38That's not the exciting bit of the story.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41The exciting bit of the story, getting to turn to the taxi driver
0:29:41 > 0:29:44in the front and say, "Actually, mate...
0:29:44 > 0:29:47"We'll both be getting off here, if that's all right?"
0:29:49 > 0:29:50Mixed response at the Apollo tonight.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53That's the greatest moment of my life so far, take it or leave it.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59You'd understand if you'd been there, if you'd seen the taxi driver's face.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02The most amazing mixture of emotions on his face.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04He was angry, of course he was angry.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Just been referred to as "mate" by a posh child.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11But he was proud, as well, a real sort of paternal pride on his face.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16More pride than my actual father showed when I told him the following morning.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18He did not believe me.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20But that didn't matter because I had my proof.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24"If it didn't happen, Dad, then who am I writing this thank you letter to?"
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Tradition is tradition.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Ladies and gents, this has been an absolute privilege.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34Thank you so much for having me.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I've been Ivo Graham. Goodbye!
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Ivo Graham!
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Amazing.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Right, it's time for your next act.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54I love this act so much, you're going to have such a brilliant time,
0:30:54 > 0:30:56so please give all your love and warmth for the amazing,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59the wonderful Phil Wang!
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Hey, guys, hey, how's it going?
0:31:14 > 0:31:15Good to hear, all right, yeah.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19It's me, Phil Wang!
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Phil Wang, that's right, real name, Phil Wang.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26"Phil" and then "Wang".
0:31:26 > 0:31:28Phil Wang.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30First you hear "Phil", then you think, "Oh, everything's normal."
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Then, bang, "Wang"!
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Out of nowhere, like a bat out of hell.
0:31:36 > 0:31:37Phil Wang.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I love introducing myself, I love introducing myself,
0:31:40 > 0:31:41favourite thing to do.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45Every time I meet a new person, every time I meet a new person -
0:31:45 > 0:31:46a new person as in a stranger,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48not a baby...
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I don't tell babies my name.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Babies don't care.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Babies are rude.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02But every time I meet a stranger
0:32:02 > 0:32:04I like to say, "Hi, I'm Phil, Phil Wang."
0:32:05 > 0:32:10"Phil by name, Wang...
0:32:10 > 0:32:12"by second name, Phil Wang."
0:32:14 > 0:32:19That's how names work. That's how names work, for me, Phil Wang.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Lovely to be here. Got to come clean with you, folks,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26I'm not very good at starting performances.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32I tend to just say my name a bunch of times.
0:32:32 > 0:32:33And hope for the best.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Starting's the hardest part.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Starting's the hardest part of comedy. Most difficult part of the job.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Comedians employ a whole host of tricks to start.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44What a lot of comedians like to do is like to start by pointing out a
0:32:44 > 0:32:46celebrity they look like, you know,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49like a weird thing they bear a resemblance to.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52And it's funny, apparently if you look at me, right, and, like,
0:32:52 > 0:32:54squint really hard,
0:32:56 > 0:32:58that's racist, so...
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Don't do that.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11You'll get kicked out of the Apollo.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Thanks so much for coming out tonight, by the way.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19I love live comedy, I think it's my favourite form of entertainment,
0:33:19 > 0:33:20live comedy.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Some people have very strange ideas about what entertainment is,
0:33:22 > 0:33:25some people find very strange things entertaining.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28There are people out there, some people love scary movies.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32I hate scary movies.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34They're too scary.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36They scare the shit out of me.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Every time see a scary movie, I'm scared for days.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41I hate them, but people love them.
0:33:41 > 0:33:42People actively seek them out,
0:33:42 > 0:33:46actually enjoy the sensation of being scared by a movie.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48I've never understood that attitude at all.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52I've never been frightened in real life and gone,
0:33:52 > 0:33:53"Oh, Jesus..."
0:33:53 > 0:33:55HE GASPS FOR AIR
0:33:55 > 0:33:59"Yeah, I'll pay for that. Yeah, all right".
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I feel horrible, £13, sure, yeah.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Let's go now. Ridiculous.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06My friend's like this, my friend Jason, loves scary movies.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10Jason can't get enough of scary movies, absolutely loves scary movies, Jason.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Now Jason is black,
0:34:13 > 0:34:17which I only mention because you imagined him white and he isn't.
0:34:24 > 0:34:25That's it.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28His race is not relevant to the joke,
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I just don't see why you should have the wrong picture.
0:34:35 > 0:34:36But Jason loves scary movies
0:34:36 > 0:34:38and he's always trying to get me to go see them with him,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40go to the cinema and see scary movies with him.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44I'm like Jason, "I don't want to pay money to feel worse".
0:34:44 > 0:34:47That's an illogical exchange, that's a bad transaction, Jase.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49I don't want to do that. I was thinking about it.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52It's such a first world privilege, don't you think?
0:34:52 > 0:34:54To enjoy scary movies.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57What a first world, Western privilege.
0:34:57 > 0:35:02I mean, how comfortable is your life that you have to go out
0:35:02 > 0:35:09and buy a ticket, just to know what it's like to feel under threat?
0:35:09 > 0:35:13You know, no-one in the Democratic Republic of Congo saw The Grudge, you know?
0:35:15 > 0:35:18They don't need that shit, they've got real life stuff to deal with.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I guess it's a masochism, right, to enjoy scary movies?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23A masochism, to derive pleasure from a pain.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26And I understand masochism, I have to say I do,
0:35:26 > 0:35:28because I like spicy food.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32Love spicy food. It hurts me in my little Asian gob, but I love it.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34And if you think about it,
0:35:34 > 0:35:36spicy food is actually a lot like scary movies.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39If it's good, you feel alive.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42If it's really good, you shit yourself.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50What else about me? I'm 26, I'm 20-goddam-6.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51People often think I'm older,
0:35:51 > 0:35:54because although I am 26, I look terrible.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59I look gross and old, I guess.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02Mothers, lock up your...selves.
0:36:05 > 0:36:06Old Wang's on the prowl.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10He gonna getcha.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14I'm a bit fat, I suppose, I don't look great, I'm a bit fat.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16I don't struggle with my weight.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19People my shape and size often say they struggle with their weight,
0:36:19 > 0:36:23they're always very sad, "Oh, I struggle with my weight".
0:36:23 > 0:36:25I don't struggle with my weight.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29"Struggle" implies that I fought back at some point.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34I didn't... I helped.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39I was very much an accomplice to my weight.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41I was no barrier of entry to my weight.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43My weight knocked at the door and said, "Can I come in?"
0:36:43 > 0:36:46And I said, "Can I keep playing video games and touching myself?"
0:36:46 > 0:36:48And my weight said, "Yeah"... "Come in!"
0:36:50 > 0:36:52"Take off your shoes, though. Chinese house."
0:36:56 > 0:36:58I have been trying to work on my look, though.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01I've been trying to look better, I'm trying to work on my look.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04I think it's important for all of us to have a distinct look that we like
0:37:04 > 0:37:05and to accomplish it as best we can
0:37:05 > 0:37:09and so, I have settled on the look of Cambodian dictator.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16It's a pretty strong look.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20It's been getting me a lot of respect recently,
0:37:20 > 0:37:22mainly from Cambodian people.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27But then I got fun shoes at the end.
0:37:27 > 0:37:33Racist people think that I'm barefoot, but there you go.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36That's a joke about colour, a joke about colour now.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39Look, I've been trying to smile more, as well.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41I've been trying to...
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Smile more, you're supposed to look better when you smile,
0:37:43 > 0:37:45so I've been making an effort to smile more.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48I've always been told to smile my entire life, I've been told smile.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50My entire life I've been told to smile by strangers.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Since I was a kid, strangers would just come up to me,
0:37:53 > 0:37:55kick me in the head, "Smile!".
0:37:55 > 0:37:57It still happens now, strangers tell me to smile.
0:37:57 > 0:38:03Apparently I have a thing called resting bitch face.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Yeah? Fellow sufferer, I can see.
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Resting bitch face.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11I guess when I'm active I look OK, but when I rest I look like a bitch.
0:38:13 > 0:38:14And it bothers people.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16I have to fix it for them for some reason.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19I get harassed all the time. I'm a grown-ass man.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22I still get harassed in the street by strangers telling me to smile.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Female builders shout at me.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30They do. Female builders on female construction sites shout across the street.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33"Give us a smile, love", they shout at me.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36"Oh, come on, Gok, give us a smile".
0:38:40 > 0:38:41And they squeeze their breasts.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44It's very threatening, I don't like it.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48So I've been trying to smile more, I've been making an effort,
0:38:48 > 0:38:50keep the builders at bay.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Try and stay safe on the streets and trying to smile.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54It does mean, though,
0:38:54 > 0:38:56I've had to give up on the look I've always wanted,
0:38:56 > 0:38:58which is the strong silent type.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00That's what I've always wanted to be, strong, silent type.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04A lot of fellas go for that look, most reward for least effort,
0:39:04 > 0:39:05strong silent type.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07But what I've come to realise is that, in order to pull
0:39:07 > 0:39:10that look off, you need a jawline.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13And old Wang don't have no jawline.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18That's not my face. I basically have one cheek and then two eyes,
0:39:18 > 0:39:20and that's it.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24It doesn't work for me, I can't do that.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26It's not fair. A guy with a good jaw, he can do that,
0:39:26 > 0:39:28a guy with a strong jaw, he can be the strong silent type.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32He can stand there, furrow his brow in silence.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35People look at that guy, they give him the benefit of the doubt, every time.
0:39:35 > 0:39:40"Oh, wow, what a stoic, fascinating man.
0:39:40 > 0:39:44"One can only imagine what thoughts are occurring in that chiselled skull".
0:39:45 > 0:39:48I can't do that. If I stand in a corner and just...
0:39:52 > 0:39:56People look at me and go, "Why is that giant Korean baby so grumpy?"
0:39:59 > 0:40:02"Get that huge Mongolian toddler out of here."
0:40:03 > 0:40:05"He is bothering us!"
0:40:07 > 0:40:09People always ask me where I'm from.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12People always say, "Hey Phil, Phil Wang."
0:40:14 > 0:40:15"Where are you from?"
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Then I say, "Oh, London".
0:40:18 > 0:40:20And then they say, "No!"
0:40:25 > 0:40:26"Nice try, Phil Wang."
0:40:29 > 0:40:32"Where are you originally from?"
0:40:33 > 0:40:36"Hong Kong, the Philippines, Malaysia, somewhere like that?"
0:40:36 > 0:40:37It happens all the time.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40It upsets me, you know, I don't like it, because I'm British.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41I love being British.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44I have a British passport and I'm very proud to be British.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47But I think what annoys me the most about the whole thing is that
0:40:47 > 0:40:49I am actually originally from Malaysia, yeah.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51So...
0:40:52 > 0:40:53So I don't say that!
0:40:54 > 0:40:57And then they are right to have asked,
0:40:57 > 0:41:00I mean that's the most difficult part of the whole thing.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04Because they shouldn't have asked, but it turns out,
0:41:04 > 0:41:07they were right to have asked.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Because they were spot on, to be fair to them,
0:41:09 > 0:41:11but it was a racist suspicion...
0:41:12 > 0:41:14..for them to have...
0:41:15 > 0:41:17But the suspicion was correct in the end, so...
0:41:19 > 0:41:22I'm always conflicted. Am I offended by their narrow-mindedness
0:41:22 > 0:41:25or impressed with their detective skills?
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Good work, Colombo.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31I suppose racism isn't always black and white.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35There are shades of yellow, too.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Thank you, thank you very much.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41I'm enjoy my life in the UK, though, I like it a lot here.
0:41:41 > 0:41:42I got myself a girlfriend.
0:41:42 > 0:41:43Thank you.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Got myself an English girlfriend, living the immigrant dream.
0:41:49 > 0:41:50Smacking it.
0:41:52 > 0:41:53It will be your jobs next.
0:42:01 > 0:42:02Nah, the women will do.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Women are miracles, jobs are boring.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09She's great my gal, she's brilliant.
0:42:09 > 0:42:10She's a vicar's daughter.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16A vicar's daughter...
0:42:16 > 0:42:18The atheist's ultimate victory.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23Take that, God,
0:42:23 > 0:42:25old Wang snagged one of your lambs.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35I snuck in your pen and I nabbed your lambs.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Hopefully going to have kids with my lady,
0:42:40 > 0:42:42I want to have kids with my gal.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45My girlfriend, she's a white lady, no problem with that, big fan.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Big fan of the white ladies. So much so actually that I've decided that
0:42:49 > 0:42:53I'm only ever going to children with a white lady, right?
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Not only that, my sons will only ever have children
0:42:55 > 0:42:56with white ladies.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Their sons will only have children with white ladies.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01And this will go on and on, on and on,
0:43:01 > 0:43:03generation after generation after generation,
0:43:03 > 0:43:06until every trace of Chinese gene has gone, every memory of me erased,
0:43:06 > 0:43:09they won't even know I ever existed, right?
0:43:09 > 0:43:13Because I have a dream that, in 1,000 years, the UK will be full
0:43:13 > 0:43:18of white people who are all called Wang and don't know why.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Thanks very much, guys. I'm Phil Wang. Wonderful!
0:43:25 > 0:43:27Phil Wang!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Amazing.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34Ivo Graham and Phil Wang.
0:43:34 > 0:43:35I've been Joe Lycett. See you again!