0:00:09 > 0:00:16This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Romesh Ranganathan.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28MUSIC: Last Christmas by Wham!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Welcome to Noel At The Apollo!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Yes, mate. Merry Christmas!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Well, I'm Hindu.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05But thank you so much for the sentiment.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Such an honour to be hosting the Christmas Live At The Apollo.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And you sort of think, "How have I got to this point?"
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I just want to give thanks to diversity quotas.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16You know. It's...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Really helped me out. You get two for one with me,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22because I'm Asian and I've got a lazy eye.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24So what you get is...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27You get ethnicity and you get disability.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I do like Christmas. I like to play the race card at Christmas.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34What's good about it is that you can make anyone
0:01:34 > 0:01:36feel racist at Christmas.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39It's a really nice little tradition I like to do.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41If somebody comes up to you and says, "Merry Christmas!"
0:01:41 > 0:01:44You go, "Why would you assume that I celebrate Christmas?"
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And if they come up to you and go, "Merry... Oh, no, do you celebrate?"
0:01:48 > 0:01:53You go, "Why would you assume that I don't celebrate Christmas?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's wicked, man. I love it.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Or sometimes I like to knock on a neighbour's door and go,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"Here's your Christmas card, notice you didn't get me one for Diwali.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03"See you later!"
0:02:03 > 0:02:04It's nice, nice.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Obviously it's difficult for us at our house with Christmas
0:02:07 > 0:02:10and that, because well, I can't pretend to be Santa.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19It's because of the lazy eye.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It just makes it such a nightmare.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25The kids don't know which one I'm giving the present to.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It's just...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29It's absolutely horrendous.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33My wife always wants to go away for Christmas, right.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Last Christmas, she wanted to do Disneyland Paris.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Has anyone been there?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38CHEERING
0:02:38 > 0:02:43I liked it. I found it difficult to engage with it fully because
0:02:43 > 0:02:47it was so expensive. It's very difficult to fully enjoy it
0:02:47 > 0:02:50when you know how much you've paid to get your family in there.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Like, my kids were walking around just, like...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55All the visions of Christmassy Disney,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and I just had, in my eyes, the invoice.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Do you know what I mean? I was just...
0:03:00 > 0:03:01For me,
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Disneyland Paris is basically like a three-day angry walk.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Do you know what I mean? Just wandering around going,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"Fuck off, Donald!"
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Just furious, so angry.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It was the first time I really thought about learning
0:03:15 > 0:03:18another language, right. Because they all speak French -
0:03:18 > 0:03:21obviously, we're in France. I'm not so post-Brexit that they can't speak
0:03:21 > 0:03:25their own language in their own country, but I'm a very paranoid dude.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28We're queueing up for the Tower of Terror with my eldest son,
0:03:28 > 0:03:29just about to get on ride.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32The guy behind the counter turns to his mate and goes...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34HE YELLS IN FRENCH
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I was thinking, "What the shit did that dude just say, man?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41In my head I'm thinking he must have gone, "I think the roller-coaster is broken,
0:03:41 > 0:03:45"let's just try it out one more time on this prick and his son!"
0:03:50 > 0:03:52He probably just said, "I fancy a sandwich."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I don't know, but I'm very paranoid.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58The kids were very excited, right.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00They were excited, cos how it works is you pay a lot of money to get in
0:04:00 > 0:04:03so you can access some shops where you spend some more money.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Right, that's how it works. The kids are like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"we're going to buy loads of stuff!"
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I said, "No. No you're not, mate. You're allowed one present each.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"Yeah? Because Daddy is being fisted by Mickey here.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"So...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20"You get one present each, all right. No messing about."
0:04:20 > 0:04:23The little one... The thing is, I actually made an extra saving,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26cos I've got a seven-year-old, a five-year-old and a two-year-old.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29The two-year-old doesn't know what's going on, so sack him off.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I just gave him a croissant we got free at the hotel.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33There you go.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"Thank you, Daddy. Thank you. Thank you so much."
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Yeah. Enjoy, dickhead.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47The eldest one...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50..he chose a Jedi cloak.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51He's into Star Wars.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I mean, not properly. He doesn't know the mythology properly,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56but he is into Star Wars, right.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59He chose a Jedi cloak with Mickey ears on it, right.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Now immediately I can feel tension in here.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05He was wearing it around the house,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07one of my mates went, "It's disgusting!
0:05:07 > 0:05:12"Disgusting! It's exactly why I didn't want them taking over Star Wars, because of things like this!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I was thinking, "What is your problem, dude? What are you concerned about?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18"Are you worried that Star Wars is going to become commercial?"
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Do you know what I mean?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Were you watching Jar Jar Binks and thinking,
0:05:22 > 0:05:23"Nah, this is still cutting edge?"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And it was the Mickey ears that pushed you over?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Was it really?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30My second son, he chose...
0:05:31 > 0:05:32..a radio-controlled car.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Fine. Get back to England,
0:05:35 > 0:05:36so frustrating...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40..how shit this kid is at driving the car, man.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Like...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44He's knocking into coffee tables, he's hitting my ankles,
0:05:44 > 0:05:45he's hitting the skirting board.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I said to him, "Dude, a kid of your age made that."
0:06:01 > 0:06:03You can't even drive it, you prick.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Unbelievable, this kid.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09They've just... My two older ones have just started school.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I think school is the earliest point at which I care what my kids have
0:06:11 > 0:06:15been up to. Because when my son was at nursery,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I used to go pick him up from nursery and the girl working there would go,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"Great day today, great day today, great day, great day.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"Would you like your daily report of what he's been up to?"
0:06:24 > 0:06:26No, I don't think so!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29What could he possibly have done that I would care about?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Let me guess. He dropped some stuff and he shit himself, right?
0:06:33 > 0:06:34That's what he does at home.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Unless he's built a shed, I really couldn't care less.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41In fact, I resent the fact we're having a conversation.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42That's the honest truth of it.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's difficult, it's difficult for teachers.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I respect teachers, you know. And they get all these Christmas presents and people say,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"We've got to buy presents for our teachers."
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Good! Teachers deserve it, mate.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Do you know what I mean? I used to be a teacher - it's boring.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I mean, it's liberating once you've stopped caring about the kids' futures.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Then it becomes a wonderful, wonderful job.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05But you have to do boring stuff.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Do you know what I mean? We had to do exam invigilation, right.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's where the kids are sitting in a hall doing an exam,
0:07:10 > 0:07:15and you've got to walk around pretending that you're interested
0:07:15 > 0:07:17and you're worried about them cheating, so you just...
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Sometimes I would do this, right.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY Good luck, mate!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I got given an Iggy Azalea album.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40And there any fans of Iggy Azalea in?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42CHEERING
0:07:42 > 0:07:43This is my problem with Iggy Azalea.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46She's a white Australian.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49She's a white Australian and she's rapping
0:07:49 > 0:07:52like a black woman from the South.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54And it's legal!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56How is it legal? I don't understand.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57She doesn't...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59She doesn't... It's not like Eminem.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Eminem raps how he talks. Iggy Azalea talks like this.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Hello, mate, I'm Iggy.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05And then when she raps, she puts on a...
0:08:05 > 0:08:09She does an impression of a black woman from the Deep South.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12They record that and they sell it
0:08:12 > 0:08:13and it's OK.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17She's doing an impr... Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19She's doing an impression of a black woman.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Do you get what I'm saying?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Iggy Azalea is a minstrel that couldn't be arsed to black up.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25That's what Iggy Azalea is.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37My brother said to me I'm overreacting.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He goes to me, "You're overreacting, mate. It's hip-hop. She can't rap
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"with an Australian accent. It wouldn't be authentic."
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Wouldn't be authentic!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I don't buy that as an argument, you know.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50If you went to an Indian restaurant
0:08:50 > 0:08:53and the waiter was white,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55and...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57for a little bit of authenticity...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:06He said...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08INDIAN ACCENT: .."Would you like a poppadum?"
0:09:08 > 0:09:10You wouldn't accept that, would you?!
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act of this evening?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28We have got three incredible acts for you and we're starting brilliantly.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30He's absolutely fantastic, He's one of my very best friends.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Ladies and gentlemen, please could you give it up for Mr Seann Walsh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Apollo, yes!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Thank you very much. Hello!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Hello.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Merry Christmas!
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Yes!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Pigging it out!
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Pigging out! It's great, isn't it?
0:10:02 > 0:10:07Christmas. It's the only time of the year where eating a cheeseboard
0:10:07 > 0:10:09is acceptable,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I think. Isn't it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Any other time of the year, I look at a dessert menu and think,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18that's weird. You've got all that sweet stuff -
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Tiramisu, creme brulee,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Eton mess.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Sticky toffee pudding.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Chocolate brownie, sorbet ice cream.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Then...
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Cheeseboard.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37What is a cheeseboard doing...
0:10:38 > 0:10:39..on the dessert menu?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42That's not a dessert, is it?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43If anything, that is a main.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45What fat wanker...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50..is having a cheeseboard after a steak and chips?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56That can't have been on the dessert menu the whole time, could it?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Once upon a time, someone has ordered that for the first time.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Sat at a restaurant, there.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Wife
0:11:05 > 0:11:06and fat husband.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Sat there. Wife's gone, "Um, darling,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14"I think I'm going to go for the sticky toffee pudding.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"Yeah. How about you?"
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"I want some cheese."
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"Oh. Oh, well I can see if they...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"they do cheese. Which one?"
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"All of them.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"I want all the cheeses.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"Camembert, Stilton.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"Brie, Cheddar.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"Mozzarella, halloumi.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"Forget the plate, just shove it on a plank of wood."
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"Darling, it's just that most people after their main,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"they tend to have something sweet, that's all."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26"Stick some grapes on it."
0:12:35 > 0:12:39But enjoy - enjoy the pigging out whilst you can.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Cos before you know it, it's January.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Health kick.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50People go on these soul-destroying diets.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Like juicing. Do you know about this?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Juicing? People juice -
0:12:54 > 0:12:57they put broccoli and celery
0:12:57 > 0:13:00in a drink, tell you, "It's delicious!"
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Is it? Eat it, then!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I've never had to put a chicken nugget in a blender!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16It's meant to be good for you.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Is it?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Juicing used to be a threat
0:13:20 > 0:13:22made by gangsters.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"You do that again, you'll be having dinner through a straw."
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Yeah.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39You say that to someone now, they go, "Oh, detox!
0:13:39 > 0:13:40"Sounds lovely!"
0:13:42 > 0:13:45My girlfriend, she's into all these fads.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47She's juiced. She comes in in the morning,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"I'm juicing, it's delicious!"
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Holds up this glass full of what can only be described
0:13:54 > 0:13:56as a post-Guinness shit.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Every morning.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06HE IMITATES BLENDER
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I don't have to set my alarm any more.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Every morning.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19This is after she's used the noise gun to dry her hair.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24HE IMITATES HAIRDRYER
0:14:26 > 0:14:27HE IMITATES BLENDER
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I've had to go to a building site for a nap.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38But there's a lot of pressure on people to look good, isn't there?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Go on these extreme diets.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Even I've juiced.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I don't like to admit it. I wasn't feeling too good about myself
0:14:45 > 0:14:48earlier on in the year. I juiced.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I wasn't strict.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52You know, you're meant to do it for seven days.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53I did it for three.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55No solid food.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Just Guinness.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I lost
0:15:00 > 0:15:01my phone...
0:15:05 > 0:15:06..my keys, and a close friend.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Thank you very much, Apollo!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Merry Christmas! Good night, see you later!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Seann Walsh, ladies and gentlemen!
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act this evening?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Please go wild, go crazy, for the fantastic Kerry Godliman.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Hello. Merry Christmas, Hammersmith Apollo!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00How exciting. You've all got Christmassy vibes going on.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Everyone looks quite glammed up.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Look, little bit of sparkle.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Everyone's Christmas-ready.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Who's going away for Christmas?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Going away for Christmas is a thing, isn't it?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11But I don't want to go away for Christmas, cos I like where we live now.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16Cos when we first moved to our area, it was a bit... It was a bit shit, right? But it's got nice.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18It's got little bit nicer, it's very slightly gentrified.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21So now everyone that owns their property, they go on Rightmove
0:16:21 > 0:16:23every day for a little wank.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29"Oh, let's have a look at what our house is worth!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31"Let's think of somewhere cheaper and put it in
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"and see what we could get for it.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"Put in somewhere shit, somewhere, I don't know...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"Somewhere up north. Put that in."
0:16:37 > 0:16:41And then you're like, "Fucking hell, we could own Hull!"
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's disgusting. It's very vulgar.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44And parenting at Christmas time...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I worry about my parenting.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47I don't know if I'm that good at it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I get into rows, I row with my kids.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You shouldn't row with kids, should you, it's really frowned at.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I said to my friend, "I row with my kids."
0:16:54 > 0:16:58And she said, "What do you mean, you row with them? You mean you like tell them off?"
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I said, "No, because that would suggest status, wouldn't it?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"That would imply I've got some power in our relationship."
0:17:04 > 0:17:06But I don't seem to have any power.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09We were in the supermarket recently, getting all the shopping in.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I'm quite harassed, I've got other things I need to be doing.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13One of them's like,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17"No! We don't like pasta shells. We only like pasta bows."
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I'm like, "It's the same. It's the same thing!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"All of the pastas are the same!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"The pipes and the bows and the shells and the twists!
0:17:26 > 0:17:27"What are you looking at?!"
0:17:29 > 0:17:33I said, "You don't give a toss about shape when it's chocolate, do you?"
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Oh. It's not good.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Because there's no glory in winning a row with a child.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Like, if you win a row with your mate, you then tell your other mate,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50don't you? And then you're like, "And then I said, 'Right.'
0:17:50 > 0:17:54"And then I said, 'You don't give a shit about shape when it's chocolate, do you?'
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"And I said it to her face."
0:17:58 > 0:18:02It's like, "Oh, well done. With your six-year-old kid, well done, Kel."
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And my son loves to play snap.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08He loves to play dinosaur snap and he hates to lose.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Cos kids do, don't they? Kids hate losing games.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12You won't meet a kid that loses a game that's like,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15"No, it's fine, best of five. Let's just go again."
0:18:15 > 0:18:19So I have to let him win because I'm his mum and I love him in a sort of
0:18:19 > 0:18:20oppressive, cloying way.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22So I have to let him win.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25He will lose at things later in life when I can't control that for him,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28but for this game of snap, I can let him win, can't I?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32But it turns out that my reflexes aren't as sentimental...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37..as me.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40So a diplodocus goes down, and then another diplodocus,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43and before I quite know what's happening, I'm like, "Snap! Snap!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"Ha-ha!"
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Right in his face.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50He starts crying.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54You're like "Oh, grow some, babe. Snap's snap.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Life's a bitch and so's your mum, shuffle."
0:19:00 > 0:19:05It's not nice. I shouldn't. I should be a nicer...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I should be a nicer mum.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I love them, you love them so much.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13You love them so much and it's hard to manage that amount of love.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Especially at this time of year, you want it to be magical.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17It's going to be magical.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And I'd collect every memento of their childhood.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20That's a way of managing, isn't it,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23your affection for them. Collect everything, collect everything!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I've got millions of photographs.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Millions of the first one, a lot less of the second one, and...
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Collect all their teeth.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31I've got all their baby teeth,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34which is a weird tradition if you properly think about it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I've got a drawer full of human child's teeth...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41..at home. But you've just got to get it all, haven't you? You've got to collect it all.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Bits of their hair from their little haircuts. Their little baby shoes and little drawings they do.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47And you collect it, collect it. I feel like a sort of Disney witch.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Collect the child, collect the child!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Keep the child, keep their teeth, keep their shoes, keep their shoes!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Keep the child, love the child.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59It does make you sort of think,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"What am I going to do with all this shit?"
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I could sort of make a voodoo effigy of them, couldn't I,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10as a disciplining technique when they're older, giving me backchat.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12"You be back by ten, yeah." "Yeah, whatever, Mum."
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"Mummy, not the voodoo!"
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Pull the child, pull the child.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Love the child, cage the child.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It is weird, that bit.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32You've been absolutely delightful.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Have a wonderful Christmas, take care!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Kerry Godliman, ladies and gentlemen!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Are you ready for your final act this evening?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Brilliant. He's one of the most exciting acts around.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Please give it up for Spencer Jones!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16All right?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Merry Christmas. Hey!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Hey!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I don't know what I'm looking at!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Some people...
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Like my brother, he's a fireman, yeah.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Other people, yeah,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45like my cousin, yeah,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47he makes T-shirts, yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Me?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I'm a dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead, dickhead,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59dickhead, dickhead, dickhead.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- VOICE RECORDING CONTINUES: - Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead...
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Hello.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Hoi! Oh!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18How has he done that?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Wow!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22You, you, you stroke it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Stroke it. Stand, stand.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Gentle, gentle, gentle!
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Oh. He's not sure.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32He don't like it, he don't like it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Yeah, yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- Do magic. Go, "Ha-ya!"- Ha-ya!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Oh! Hello.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55# Ah, ah, ah, oh.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00- VOICE RECORDING CONTINUES: - # Ah, ah, ah, oh... # Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead...
0:23:14 > 0:23:19- VOICE RECORDING CONTINUES: - # Ah, ah, ah, oh... # Dickhead, dickhead, dickhead...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Ouch! That's sore.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore, sore,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43sore, sore, s-sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48Sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore, s-s-sore, sore, sore.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Sore, sore, sore, s-sore, sore, s-sore,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57it was a saw, saw, saw s-s-saw, saw, s-saw.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Saw, saw, saw, saw, saw, s-saw, s-s-saw, saw, saw, s-s-saw, saw, saw.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Saw, saw, saw, s-saw, saw, s-saw, s-s-saw, saw, saw,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06it's a sauce, sauce, s-sauce. Sauce, sauce, sauce, s-sauce, sauce,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10s-sauce, s-sauce, sauce, sauce, s-s-sauce, sauce, s-sauce.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Sauce, sauce, sauce, s-s-sauce, sauce, s-sauce,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16saucer, saucer, saucer, it's a saucer, saucer, saucer.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Nothing there. Nothing there.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32How are you doing, all right?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Merry Christmas!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Oh, won a goldfish.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Thank you.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01HE WHISTLES O Christmas Tree
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Permanent marker.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Can we go swimming, Daddy?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Not for a couple of weeks, mate.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Just whistle? Oh, no.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32HE HUMS A JAUNTY TUNE
0:25:37 > 0:25:38HE CACKLES
0:25:38 > 0:25:39I can vote!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Well, yeah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Oh. Uh... What's this here, look?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Oh, yeah. Whose is it?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Can I have a go with that? Is that all right?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55See that, the old, erm...
0:25:55 > 0:25:57You know, the old...
0:25:59 > 0:26:00They do, don't they?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- COCKNEY ACCENT:- That's going.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09What else is there? What else is back there?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11The old...
0:26:11 > 0:26:12HE WHISTLES
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Oh! Do you want to meet my son?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Do want to see my son? Yeah, yeah, yeah? Yeah? Son?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48All right, mate. Come on, out you get.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yep, yep, yep. Hey.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00All right, mate. Oh, OK.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Chill out, mate.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07That age, you know? Very aggressive.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10All right, mate, chill out. I don't know if he's hungry or tired or whatever.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12He's like... All right, mate. I was at the doctor's.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14You know, the doctor's like, "It's normal."
0:27:14 > 0:27:16"It's not normal! Look at him, he's going mad!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"Look at that!"
0:27:18 > 0:27:20They think he's angry,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22cos he's got a very...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24long...
0:27:24 > 0:27:25neck.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28And he can't scratch his ears.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Put that like that, yeah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36You all right, mate?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Yeah?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Did you have a nice time on the helicopter?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44GROANS AND LAUGHTER
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Mate?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Sam?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53It's something, isn't it? It's something. It is something.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Full-on, though. You know.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57I'm 38.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Quick impression?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11This is a posh lady falling to her death.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Thank you very, very much! Have a lovely Christmas!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very, very...
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Hey!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Spencer Jones, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Please could you give it up for our acts this evening?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Give it up for Kerry Godliman!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Seann Walsh!
0:28:43 > 0:28:47And of course the brilliant Spencer Jones.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I'll see you next time. Merry Christmas, goodnight!