0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:26 > 0:00:28MUSIC: Somebody Told Me by The Killers
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Good evening and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- Are you well? AUDIENCE:- Yes!- Excellent.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I'm glad. I'm also well. I'd a migraine a few weeks ago.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I don't get them often enough to worry about, but I do get them now and again. I thought,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53"I'll go on Twitter. I'll ask people on Twitter how they get rid of their migraines."
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Give us a cheer if you are on Twitter.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56CHEERING
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I got the usual sort of expected responses,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00and then my favourite one came up.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It said, "Two Nurofen and a wank."
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And it totally worked.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11If anything, it just pushed the throbbing down a bit.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Thanks, @BootsTheChemist.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18About a year ago, I had a sore throat for a bit too long.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I went to see my doctor. My doctor sent me to see a specialist -
0:01:20 > 0:01:22an ear, nose and throat specialist.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I said, "OK." So off I go to see this fella, lovely fella he was.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28He said to me, "Do you suffer from acid reflux?" I said, "No."
0:01:28 > 0:01:29And then, when I got home,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I realised I should have said yes, cos my husband and I eat so many
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Rennies that we call them bathroom sweets.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38He said, "I'd like you to take Gaviscon after every meal."
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I said, "After every meal, or every time I've eaten?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Cos those two are very different numbers.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45He said, "What I'd like to do is put a camera down your throat so we can
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"have a proper look at what we're dealing with."
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I thought, "This is the bit where he sends me away and I
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"come back in six months with a new appointment." He went,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55"No, no, we can do that now." "Oh, shit!"
0:01:55 > 0:01:58So he got out this contraption, metal like this and metal like this.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00The main thing you need to know is that it's very rigid -
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- none of it moves - so- I- had to move because it wouldn't move.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And he put it down my throat and I instantly gagged.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07SHE IMITATES GAGGING
0:02:07 > 0:02:10And he pulled it out and said, "Are you going to be OK with this?"
0:02:10 > 0:02:12And I went, "Yes."
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And then he put it back in.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15SHE IMITATES GAGGING I was mortified.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17He said, "Do me a favour -
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"the next time you think you're going to gag, do this."
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Ee-e-e-e-e-e-e.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I said, "Why?" He said, "It stops you gagging."
0:02:24 > 0:02:26And I thought, "Noted."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LOUD LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:38My husband's going to think he's
0:02:38 > 0:02:40being sucked off by a Geordie pensioner.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Ee-e-e-e!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Who knows? Some day, he might be.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49No, I meant that we're pensioners -
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I don't mean, like, for a present.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Come on in, Doris, he's ready for his gift now.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56SINGS: "Happy birthday to ee-e-e-e-e."
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I've got pets. I've got two cats and a dog.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'll tell you about those. My cats, they don't always get on.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Sometimes, they kind of chase each other,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07it looks a little bit aggressive,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09so what I do to break that up to kind of distract them is we use
0:03:09 > 0:03:11a laser pen - you will have seen these.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14So the cats will be chasing each other round then one or both of them
0:03:14 > 0:03:17will become transfixed by a little red dot that has appeared on
0:03:17 > 0:03:19the ceiling or the walls or the floor.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And it's so effective that we've started using it
0:03:21 > 0:03:23in our own relationship.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27So I'll be saying something like, "All I want you to do when you've
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"finished with your wet towels is put them in the... Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"
0:03:32 > 0:03:34But whenever you introduce a new cat a household that already has a
0:03:34 > 0:03:37cat, there's always a bit of aggro while they work out the hierarchy,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40then it settles down. The day I knew our two were going to be OK with
0:03:40 > 0:03:43each other was the day that I walked into our bedroom
0:03:43 > 0:03:45and they were lying on the bed like that.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48They weren't quite spooning, but it was good enough for me.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I tried to come in behind them. "Big Mama Spoon's getting on."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55"I'll be the ladle." I don't know what that means.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And for about two minutes, it was utter perfection,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00and then Brodie leaned over to Ripley, the little girl cat,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02and just started licking her arsehole.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I don't think Mama Spoon's supposed to be here for this.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08She was brilliant. She was lying with her legs shut like that.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10As soon as he started licking her arsehole, she went,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12"Ah, that's lovely."
0:04:14 > 0:04:15I turned 41 this year.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19I like being in my 40s. Give us a cheer if you are 40 and above.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21SCATTERED CHEERING I like it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I don't give a shit about unimportant things any more.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I think that's what it boils down to.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Quite a few things changed when I turned 40 last year.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29One of the things that changed is
0:04:29 > 0:04:31that I've stopped sniffing me leggings.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND MURMURS
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I used to sniff them to see if I could get another day out of them.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Whereas now, I just assume that I can.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51But I read on a proper form - a proper official document - recently
0:04:51 > 0:04:53the term "women's problems".
0:04:53 > 0:04:56And I thought, in 2016, really, it says "women's problems"?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I thought, why doesn't it just say periods and menstruation?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02There's nothing wrong with those words, nothing wrong with the actual thing.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05It's perfectly normal, it's natural, nothing to be ashamed of,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07it's part of life. Seems peculiar to me.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09So what I've decided to do, and you can come with me if you like,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I've decided to bypass the word "periods",
0:05:11 > 0:05:15if people find it so offensive, and I'm going to say this instead...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17So if somebody says to me, "Are you all right?"
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I'm going to go, "Ugh, I'm clotting."
0:05:25 > 0:05:28See, the word period isn't so bad now, is it? No!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35But a lot of the euphemisms for periods are really horrible.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39It's such a bad reflection of how normal it is. So if clotting horrifies you, I get it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42So I made up another one - a bit lighter, a bit more playful.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Perhaps this will appeal to you more. This is it -
0:05:44 > 0:05:47it's WI week, because I'm making jam.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Do you get it? Do you get it? AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Some of you are more horrified by that than you were by clotting,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and I think I have ruined afternoon teas for everyone.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Sorry about that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05I read a really good statistic that said that 67% of women -
0:06:05 > 0:06:09so two thirds of women - don't bath or shower every day.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And my first reaction, because I bath or shower every day,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14my first reaction was, "That's disgusting."
0:06:14 > 0:06:17My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21And my third reaction was, "Well, if they're not doing it,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"I'm not going to do it."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I do mostly bath or shower every day but, every now and again,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28if I'm running late or I've got an early appointment or I've slept in,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30anything like that, I'll do instead
0:06:30 > 0:06:32what my mum would refer to as a flannel job.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36This is a good tip for the women in the room who do have pubic hair.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39The next time you do a flannel job, if you do it in a circular motion,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41you can Afro it right up, it's really fun.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Proper bouffant going, if you like.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48That's not a joke. That's just a tip for you to take home and try.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49In a room of this size,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51at least 40 or 50 women tomorrow morning will be like,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"I'm going to give it a go, I'm going to give it a go."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Ugh, massive pants.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh, yeah. I went for a massage.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Give us a cheer if you've ever been for a massage.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05CHEERING See, I don't like it.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I like the bit at the end where I feel all floppy and relaxed,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11that bit where I'm like, "I might never wear a bra again."
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I don't like the actual activity itself.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I feel very uncomfortable being in front of a stranger just
0:07:18 > 0:07:20in my pants. So what happens is I book the massage,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I get so stressed and tense on the build-up to the massage that the
0:07:23 > 0:07:25best you can do at the massage
0:07:25 > 0:07:28is get me back down to the level of stress I was at
0:07:28 > 0:07:30before I booked the massage.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Now, one thing they do in those appointments that I don't like
0:07:32 > 0:07:35is when they teach you how to breathe. They do that, don't they?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Like, "I'm 41. The breathing's been going pretty well, thanks."
0:07:39 > 0:07:42But they do that, don't they? They go, "And breathe in."
0:07:42 > 0:07:44SHE INHALES
0:07:44 > 0:07:46SHE EXHALES
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"And breathe out." I could have died!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I could have died if I'd waited for her.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04The last massage I had, she said, "This is an aromatherapy massage."
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I said, "That's correct." "I've got three different oils.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"I want you to smell each one, pick the one you like the best,
0:08:09 > 0:08:10"and we'll use that one." "Champion."
0:08:10 > 0:08:13She unscrewed the lid off the first one, wafted it in front of my nose.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I said, "Is that Eucalyptus? Eucalyptus? Like a menthol?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"Like a menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol? Is it menthol?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21"Like a mint? Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint? Is it mint?"
0:08:21 > 0:08:23She said, "You don't have to guess what it is."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26The second one, she wafted it in front my nose, I said,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28"Is that lemon? Is it lemon? Is it lemon? Is it lemon?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"Is it like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus? Like a citrus?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33"Like a general sort of citrus? Is it grapefruit? Is it grapefruit?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:35She said "It's not a quiz".
0:08:36 > 0:08:38The third one, she wafted in front of my nose, and I did like it but
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I didn't know what it was. I said, "I'll have that one."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43She said, "Good." She read the label on the bottle,
0:08:43 > 0:08:44she said, "That's happy".
0:08:44 > 0:08:48And I thought, "I was never going to win the quiz, was I?!"
0:08:49 > 0:08:51My worst bit of a massage is the bit, in a full body massage,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54where they make you turn over on the table,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56cos the tables are very narrow, and I am not.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59They do at least hold the towel up, don't they,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02so you can flubber, flubber, flubber over, then plank it,
0:09:02 > 0:09:03or so I thought.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07The last one, she held the towel up, I flubber, flubber, flubbered over.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I was almost in position when our eyes locked in the mirrored wall
0:09:10 > 0:09:12at the end of the room.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17My friend said to me, "That's not my worst bit of a massage."
0:09:17 > 0:09:18I said, "What's your worst bit?"
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"I don't like the bit where they pull your knickers down a bit."
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I said, "They'd have to do that with me, otherwise they wouldn't get half me back."
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I went for a massage with a friend of mine.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33We were in the waiting area, and the woman came out and said,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36"Ladies, ladies, ladies. Just to let you know that on staff today
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"we have a male massage therapist.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"I was wondering if either of you would mind...?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42And my friend went, "I'll have him".
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I said afterwards, "Look, you're single, you can always have the bloke if you want,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"but just let her finish her question first.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52"Maybe leave it a second and then say, 'I suppose I don't mind,'
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"rather than, 'I'll have him.' "
0:09:54 > 0:09:58She came out of this massage with this huge beaming smile on her face.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02I said, "Was it a good massage?" She said, "Oh, yeah."
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I said, "That's good." She said, "I felt his erection."
0:10:05 > 0:10:07We take turns to pay and it was my turn.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I thought, I'm not paying if she's had extras.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I said, "You felt his erection?"
0:10:12 > 0:10:14She said "Yes, on me elbow."
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Now, I don't know what your elbows are like,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18but mine is like rhino skin.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I'd be hard pushed to tell hot from cold with mine.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24That would be an excellent game show, wouldn't it?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26"Cock or not? Cock or not?"
0:10:31 > 0:10:33One thing I don't like - this might come across overly mean.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I hope it doesn't, but it might.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I don't like a skinny massage therapist.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40The one I use at the moment is about my size, maybe a little bigger.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I don't like the skinny ones. They've never said anything to me,
0:10:42 > 0:10:45but in my mind, when they're massaging me, they're doing this -
0:10:45 > 0:10:47"Eurgh, eurgh,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"eurgh, eurgh."
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"I'm going to need more time, it's a bigger surface area."
0:10:57 > 0:10:59The whole time I'm being massaged there's an inner monologue going on
0:10:59 > 0:11:01up here. Outside, I'm the picture of composure.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04In here, it's going crazy - it depends on where she starts.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07If she starts at the bottom, I'd be like, "Tickly feet, tickly feet.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09"Oh, she's gone up to the bit where I've got broken veins,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11"I don't like that bit.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"Oh, too close to me fanny! Too close to me fanny!"
0:11:15 > 0:11:18So I'm lying there, covered in "happy".
0:11:18 > 0:11:19LOUD LAUGHTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Very different version of Snow White than we're used to, yes?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31And the massage ends.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35She did what they always do, she put like a chocolatey voice.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38She said, "Just relax, there's plenty of time.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40"There's no need for you to rush.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Please just stay relaxed, there's so much time.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"I just want you to stay relaxed, there's no need for you to...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Please just stay relaxed."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51What she didn't know is I'd been dying for a fart for 40 minutes.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56The door had barely clicked shut when I let out the loudest,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59most trombonious fart you've ever heard in your life.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Remember, I was covered in oil.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07It was like a Salvation Army band had popped in.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And I am right in the middle of potentially
0:12:10 > 0:12:12the best fart of my life,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15when she came back in with a glass of water.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And I half expected her to go, "Is that curry? Is that curry?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"Is it curry? Is that curry?"
0:12:27 > 0:12:31And if she had, I'd have gone, "No, love, that's happy."
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Are you ready for your first act? CHEERING
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Your first act it is a good friend of mine
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and he's one of my favourite comics and one of my favourite men.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Please give it up for the wonderful Mr Tom Allen.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Hello, everyone, hello.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Are you well? CHEERING
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Oh, good. Well, it's so wonderful to be here in, erm...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11you know.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15And...so I'm gay.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I don't know if I needed to explain that.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23And if you've seen me before, I'm still gay.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26The gay thing, it's getting worse.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30And I'm completely gay - I've never tried it any other way.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I've never tried it with a woman.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I'm...I'm...I'm a thoroughbred.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40I mean, really, I wouldn't know a vagina if it hit me in the face.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I mean, can they do that? Have they got hands? I've never seen one.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Though I have been twatted.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52One of the most exciting things that happened to me,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55when I was about eight years old...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I'm 33 now.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I know - Nivea.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05But when I was about eight years old, in the early-to-mid-'90s -
0:14:05 > 0:14:08the mid-John Major years, as we call them.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11The most exciting thing that could happen to probably anybody
0:14:11 > 0:14:14during that time - and lord knows there weren't many exciting things
0:14:14 > 0:14:15unless you were Edwina Currie...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20But the most exciting thing that could happen to you during that time
0:14:20 > 0:14:24would be that your local authority would open up a leisure centre.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28These leisure centres were not ordinary sports centres, no, no.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32What they had inside them were subtropical paradises!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And these subtropical paradises were basically swimming pools -
0:14:37 > 0:14:41swimming pools that were designed to look like the sea,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45if the sea had been...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47tiled?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54And the other thing they also had were flumes,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57and flumes were water slides which
0:14:57 > 0:15:00went outside of the building,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03because nothing is more exciting
0:15:03 > 0:15:06than being on a water slide
0:15:06 > 0:15:09over the car park.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16They were wonderful places to go,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and we knew they were subtropical paradises
0:15:19 > 0:15:22because they'd have one palm tree made of plastic,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26and they'd have huge windows which overlooked the dual carriageway.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32But the best thing that could happen to you while you were in the
0:15:32 > 0:15:34subtropical paradise would be that
0:15:34 > 0:15:37they would start up the wave machine!
0:15:37 > 0:15:38CHEERING
0:15:42 > 0:15:44And the wave machine would be heralded with a siren,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46and the siren sounded a bit like this -
0:15:46 > 0:15:49ah-h-h-h-h!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And when you heard that siren, it didn't matter where you were,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54everyone would come flocking to the water, wading into the water,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56wading into the water,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59wading into the water like they'd come to hear the Good News.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Like they'd come to be baptised.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Everybody would come into the water, you'd see everybody you knew.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09You'd see people you knew, like you'd see your mum's friend Joyce.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10She'd be there...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13in her bikini - basically just in her underwear.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Never thought I'd see you like that, Joyce.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Everyone would come wading in up to your ankles,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21up to your knees, up to your hips - wherever you felt most comfortable.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24And then when the wave machine really got going,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27when it really got going, the best thing that it would make you do
0:16:27 > 0:16:30is that it would make you go like this...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Ah!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43It was a wonderful time to be alive!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49But then the wave machine would stop very abruptly,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52and that's probably when you'd decide to go on the flumes.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55So to get on the flumes, you'd have to queue on the stairs at the side.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57You'd have to stand on the staircase in your trunks,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59basically in your underwear, on the staircase, getting cold.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It's a very unusual feeling, I think, standing on a staircase
0:17:02 > 0:17:07in your underwear getting cold. Unless maybe you have a lot of affairs?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10You'd just stand on the staircase, you'd have to queue for ages.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11There'd probably be two flumes,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15but one of them would be closed because last week somebody died.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And you'd have to queue,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21and the flumes would be managed by a 16-year-old
0:17:21 > 0:17:24who had a whistle and no qualifications at all.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28And he was using some sort of red and green lighting system which we
0:17:28 > 0:17:31couldn't...we couldn't possibly understand.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Couldn't understand it. And eventually, when it was your turn,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37you'd have to wait and wait, and when it was your special moment
0:17:37 > 0:17:39on the flumes, you'd have to get in position at the top.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41You'd have to hold on to the handles at the side.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Otherwise, you'd just be sucked off into oblivion.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And when it was your turn, your special moment on the flumes,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52the 16-year-old, he would turn to you, and he would say,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"You can go now if you want".
0:17:56 > 0:17:58And you'd launch yourself off.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00And where the flumes had been
0:18:00 > 0:18:03manufactured rather cheaply during the mid-John Major years,
0:18:03 > 0:18:08they were made of panels of fibreglass which had been bolted
0:18:08 > 0:18:12together. And where those panels joined, as you went over them,
0:18:12 > 0:18:15would cut into your back like knives.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19But because you'd be queueing so long, you were desperate to have a good time.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21So you'd be on the flumes going,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"Oh, it's gone light, you must be over the car park.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27"Ow, ow, ow, ow."
0:18:27 > 0:18:30And there'd probably be a trickle of water going through
0:18:30 > 0:18:33that was designed to lubricate your passage.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35And because it was a cheap and shoddy manufacture,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39sometimes that trickle of water would have just trickled away.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43And suddenly you would find yourself in a dry bit.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46And because you were eight years old and you had no momentum at all,
0:18:46 > 0:18:47you'd just stop!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You'd just stop and there'd be no way of getting out of it.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You'd try and scoot yourself forward,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56there's nothing you could do. You'd think, "Oh, my God, am I dead?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57"Is this what it is to be dead?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01"Is that what the light is? Oh, no, it's just the car park. Oh, good.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03"How am I going to get out of this?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"Thank God for the 16-year-old upstairs.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"He knows I'm here, he'll send for me, he'll send for me.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10"It's all going to be fine, he'll send for me."
0:19:10 > 0:19:11And at that moment,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14you'd look over your head and that's when you'd see
0:19:14 > 0:19:17the shadow of somebody else on the flumes.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20You'd think, "Oh, God, it's all on a timer, he doesn't care at all.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"He doesn't care, he doesn't care."
0:19:22 > 0:19:25You try and scoot yourself along, you'd peer over your shoulder,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28you'd see the toes of somebody else coming round the corner.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29The legs of somebody else coming.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32The whole body of somebody else coming round the corner,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and that's when you'd realise that
0:19:34 > 0:19:36it was your mum's friend Joyce,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39coming round the corner, legs akimbo. She'd smash into the back of you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Suddenly, you'd both be hurtling along together
0:19:41 > 0:19:43like you were in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46You nestled in the bosom of her thighs,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49going so fast from side to side, to side to side, both of you screaming
0:19:49 > 0:19:51for different reasons!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54So fast from side to side.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57You've never been so fast in your whole life. How will it ever stop?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Will it ever stop? Eventually, you'll be thrown out the
0:19:59 > 0:20:00other end of the flumes.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You'd fly across the sky, past the palm tree, across the window,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05and then land in the landing pool.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Then you'd look at each other in a way that said,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10"I never thought we would touch like that!"
0:20:12 > 0:20:15But which also said, "We will never speak of this again."
0:20:15 > 0:20:19And that's when I first realised that I was gay.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Thank you very much, Apollo, my name's Tom Allen.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Goodnight, goodnight.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Give it up for Tom Allen!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Are you ready for your next act?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Your next act tours the world, has come all the way from America,
0:20:45 > 0:20:49he's absolutely brilliant. Please give it up for Arj Barker!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51CHEERING
0:20:54 > 0:20:57ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:00 > 0:21:02All right, all right.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Good evening, I'm really excited to be here tonight.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I'm just very happy to be back here in the UK, and I want to start
0:21:09 > 0:21:12by thanking the BBC for letting me be on the show.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It's really awesome that they did.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17It doesn't pay that well, but it's just really cool to be here.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22And they've been so generous. They've put me up in a hotel
0:21:22 > 0:21:26right next to a casino in the city, and they didn't have to do that.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I'm not criticising the BBC. It's not their responsibility to know
0:21:30 > 0:21:31that I have a gambling addiction.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Cos it's about self-knowledge.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36When I go to the casino,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I only bring the equivalent of 100
0:21:38 > 0:21:42to gamble with cos I know I can afford to lose that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44And I bring 25 for food
0:21:44 > 0:21:46in case I get hungry.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48And 800 for bus fare...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52..in case I forget something and have to go home
0:21:52 > 0:21:54a couple hundred times.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58So most of my adult life I've been a bachelor.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03But about three years ago I met somebody and we started dating, and a year just flew by.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06And then I said, "This is cool, you maybe should move in."
0:22:06 > 0:22:07She said, "Great, Arj."
0:22:07 > 0:22:10So she moved in and now I've been living with my girlfriend
0:22:10 > 0:22:12for just over two years.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15And I want to say living with someone has been such a major
0:22:15 > 0:22:16eye-opener for me.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19It's like the first time in my life
0:22:19 > 0:22:21when I feel like I truly understand
0:22:21 > 0:22:24why murder happens.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Because up till now, I would always just think,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32"Why would somebody kill somebody? It's so extreme."
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But these days, at least once a week
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I think, "Well, we can't take that option off the table."
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I mean, not that I ever would. I would never kill anybody
0:22:44 > 0:22:47intentionally and I'm a pacifist, 100%.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50And I also don't want you to think that in any way that I'm trying
0:22:50 > 0:22:53to minimalize the serious issue of domestic violence.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56All I'm really trying to say is that living with my girlfriend has
0:22:56 > 0:22:59introduced me to new levels of anger within myself...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01that I didn't even know were there before.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04You know they say... Have you ever heard that thing, sir,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06"When you meet the right person, it completes you"?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Have you heard about that?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11It turns out the missing part of me was the really pissed-off part.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"Oh, OK. There you are.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"Get on in here, you big red-faced son of a bitch."
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Now, I am whole.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I know that some people here might be a little concerned and think,
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"Jeez, Arj, how does that joke make your poor girlfriend feel?"
0:23:28 > 0:23:29You ought to know something, London.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Any joke that my girlfriend's involved in,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34she gets to hear it first and she has to sign off on it
0:23:34 > 0:23:36before I do it onstage.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39That's a self-volunteered policy out of respect for her,
0:23:39 > 0:23:41so when I thought of that joke,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I thought, "OK, it's a little dark, but I can make it work."
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Then I thought, "Oh, shit, now I've got to tell her."
0:23:48 > 0:23:52So I want to wait till the right time - till she had a little bit of red wine in her hand.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I'd just opened up a fresh box that night.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59She's about to watch her favourite show of all time, Downtown Abbey.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Then I said, "Honey, I've got this new joke -
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"it's about us and it's so stupid.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"I mean, it's so over the top, it's flat-out ridiculous."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"Just tell me the joke, Arj."
0:24:11 > 0:24:13So I told her. And you know what?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16She laughed. And she didn't just laugh,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18she laughed at a level of laughter
0:24:18 > 0:24:20to the point where I started thinking,
0:24:20 > 0:24:21"Shit, I gotta watch my back."
0:24:24 > 0:24:27But I didn't want to tip her off to let her know that I was onto her
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and that I'd discovered her plan to eliminate me.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33So I played real cool, but I'm a lot more careful now.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36If she said, "Hey, Arj, do you want to go cliff-walking with me later?"
0:24:37 > 0:24:41"Uh, no, actually. I got a tonne of shit to do inland."
0:24:45 > 0:24:46You guys are an awesome crowd.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Did anybody watch Game of Thrones?
0:24:48 > 0:24:49SCATTERED CHEERING
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Best show ever. I assume everybody's all caught-up.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Can we talk about it in detail?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- PORTION OF AUDIENCE:- No!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59A couple of people, who said no?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01You're not caught-up? And what's your name?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Sana? Santa.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Oh, good to meet you in person.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Thanks for all the presents over the years.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You're a lot different than I pictured.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Lovely to meet you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Santa...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21..on behalf of yourself and anyone else that isn't caught-up on
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Game of Thrones, I want you to know that I will happily skip over this
0:25:24 > 0:25:27small part of the show because spoiling popular TV in our culture
0:25:27 > 0:25:29is a huge taboo, Santa.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Far be it from me to break that taboo, and, yes, I pronounce taboo "t'boo".
0:25:35 > 0:25:39So you have nothing to worry about, Santa. But at some point, yes,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42perhaps a wider discussion about implementing a
0:25:42 > 0:25:46statute of limitations with regards to how much authority the
0:25:46 > 0:25:48spoiler police have in our world.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Because at some point, I would like to freely discuss the movie ET
0:25:51 > 0:25:53with my friends...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56in public without getting my head ripped off.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Shut up, Arj. Shut up, I haven't seen ET yet.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00"Shut up, I'm going to watch it this weekend.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01"Shut up, don't talk about it!"
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Well, he goes home! He goes home!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08He goes home, Santa.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Maybe YOU ought to go home.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And start watching some shit.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Goddamn!
0:26:18 > 0:26:22It's called must-see TV - is there something unclear about that?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It's not called see-it-whenever-the fuck-you-get-around-to-it.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Meanwhile, slap a gag order
0:26:28 > 0:26:30on the rest of civilisation.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You know something, Santa? You seem real nice, but you know what?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38You're the spoiler.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42You spoil enjoyable conversation for other adults...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45..because you're too goddamned lazy to sit around and watch TV
0:26:45 > 0:26:47all day like the rest of us.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52And I'm glad to see you're still smiling, because you've
0:26:52 > 0:26:53actually helped me out a lot, OK?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56This is part of my show, Santa.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59And if on any particular night when I'm doing this joke and I say to the
0:26:59 > 0:27:02audience, "Are you all caught-up on Game of Thrones?"
0:27:02 > 0:27:04And on that particular night, Santa,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08the entire audience says, "Yup, we're all caught-up, Arj."
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Guess what, Santa? I'm fucked.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Cos I would have just lost two minutes of arguably some of the
0:27:24 > 0:27:26strongest material in my whole set.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32And I've never even seen Game of Thrones. OK?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I'm not going to watch that bullshit.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43This has been wonderful. I'm about to get out of here and I want to
0:27:43 > 0:27:46just thank you all for coming out here and being a great crowd.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48You've really cheered me up.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And I was a little bit low when I showed up here tonight,
0:27:50 > 0:27:51I'm going to admit that.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And don't worry, it's not clinical.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Depression is a serious thing - I was just feeling a little bit low.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And it's my fault anyway!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I'm the one that choose to watch Marley And Me on Blu-ray
0:28:01 > 0:28:03right before I left the hotel.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07And it's even more sad in high def.
0:28:08 > 0:28:101080. Even though I know what was going to happen,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13it was still even more sad. Have you seen Marley And Me, sir?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16You haven't seen it? Well, you'd better brace yourself emotionally.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Because it is very sad.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I'm not going to ruin it, but just be prepared.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25I don't know if you know, but the sequel's just called Me.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Just be careful.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31That's it from me, thank you very much.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33CHEERING Thank you.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Give it up for Arj Barker!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43CHEERING
0:28:43 > 0:28:47You've been such an amazing crowd, thanks ever so much for coming.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Please give it up for the people you've seen tonight, Tom Allen,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Arj Barker, and I've been Sarah Millican. Goodnight!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54CHEERING