0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:16 > 0:00:21Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Josh Widdicombe.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:42All right?
0:00:42 > 0:00:43WHOOPING
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Yes, oh, it's a pleasure to be here. Thank you.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50It's lovely having a night out. I enjoy it. I do like drinking.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It's slightly being ruined for me now by, um,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55a lot of my friends have started drinking real ale.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58So that I know that they are better than me.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02You get in a round with them, you go, "I'll have a lager,"
0:01:02 > 0:01:06and they have to go, "Lager! Oh, really! I'm having a pint of this.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09"They brew it locally and they only make six pints a month."
0:01:10 > 0:01:14"You know why that is, don't you? Cos no-one wants to drink it, mate."
0:01:14 > 0:01:17They're always going on about how much better it tastes.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18"Oh, it tastes so much better."
0:01:18 > 0:01:21No-one is drinking alcohol for the taste.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Otherwise you wouldn't keep drinking it.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I like the taste of milk, I tend to stop after one glass.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34You never find me at 2am, eight pints of milk down.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Going, "Come on, there's got to be another dairy
0:01:37 > 0:01:39"open somewhere, hasn't there?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43"All back to mine, I've got some UHT in the fridge.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45"We'll party through till dawn."
0:01:49 > 0:01:51They act like they're so much cooler than you.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You're not cooler than me cos you drink real ale.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57James Bond wouldn't be as cool if, when he was in the casino,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59the woman came over, "Get you another drink, 007?"
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"Yeah, just a pint of Otter's Cock, please, yeah."
0:02:05 > 0:02:07"Do you want it shaken or stirred?"
0:02:07 > 0:02:09"No, flat and at room temperature."
0:02:13 > 0:02:14As you can tell,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I am going to be dealing with the big issues tonight in my set.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Yeah, no, I'll throw out some political opinions,
0:02:20 > 0:02:21if you want them.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Here we go.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I would give a life prison sentence...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, you're on board now, aren't you?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I would give a life prison sentence to anyone who works in Pret A Manger
0:02:31 > 0:02:34and when I order an individual yoghurt
0:02:34 > 0:02:36fails to remind me to get a spoon.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Cos they know in half an hour
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I'll be sat on the train with a yoghurt, head in my hands,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45thinking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52"Can I make my lid into a spoon? I don't have the origami skills!"
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I just think if you do a job, you should do the whole thing.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Like, I got in a taxi the other day, told him my destination,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03he turned round, he said, "Have you got a preferred route?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:05"Surely that is YOUR job."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Might as well get in and him go, "Are you all right to do the gears?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"Cos I'm eating a Yorkie, I haven't got my hands free."
0:03:18 > 0:03:20What I'm trying tell you, right, to cut a long story short...
0:03:20 > 0:03:21What I'm trying to tell you -
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I don't know if you've ever bumped into someone you haven't seen
0:03:24 > 0:03:27in six months while you're on a train drinking a yoghurt?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It's a low moment. You know they're going to report to mutual friends,
0:03:32 > 0:03:33"I bumped into Josh."
0:03:33 > 0:03:35"How was he?" "Having a breakdown.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40"He was mixing the two sections of a Fruit Corner with his own tongue."
0:03:43 > 0:03:44"Has he got a girlfriend?"
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"Well, he was getting off with a Petit Filous, yeah."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51There's no panic like it on a train, the only panic close
0:03:51 > 0:03:54on the train is when out of nowhere, the announcement will come,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"At the next station, this train will be splitting in two."
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I've never known if I'm in the front or the back four carriages.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04There'll be rumours flying around the carriage.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"Stick your head out the window and count backwards."
0:04:07 > 0:04:08"I can't get the angle."
0:04:08 > 0:04:10One guy in headphones who hasn't heard,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14"Well, I'm not telling him. Unlucky, mate."
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Families being split up like it's East and West Berlin.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"You two go one way, we'll go the other.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"Two of us will live on, the others will end up in Littlehampton."
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I like the train. The train is my preferred method of transport.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I don't like flying. Scares me.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I don't know how people aren't scared of flying.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39How are you OK with turbulence?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43The first time I heard about that, I couldn't believe my ears.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I was going, "What was that?" "Oh, sorry, did we not tell you?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"Sometimes when you're five miles in the air,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"the plane will go up and down uncontrollably
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"and there's nothing the pilot can do about it."
0:04:53 > 0:04:55That's not an acceptable feature.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58If you got on a bus and they went, "Just so you know,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"sometimes halfway down the motorway,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"we might just zigzag in and out of the lanes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"There's nothing the driver can do about it.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"You're all right with that, aren't you?" "No!
0:05:10 > 0:05:11"Cos I'm not a psychopath."
0:05:14 > 0:05:17We never went on good holidays as a child. We didn't.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21My parents, they... Now they go on pretty rubbish holidays...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24What they do is they go on holiday and then they bring me back gifts
0:05:24 > 0:05:26of their holiday that I haven't been on.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I've got a Morocco key ring, so that every time I get my keys out,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I can go, "Oh, yeah, I haven't been to Morocco."
0:05:34 > 0:05:39My parents came back from York, they brought me a collectable teaspoon.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Who is collecting teaspoons from places around the UK?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Oh, finally I can combine my twin interests
0:05:47 > 0:05:50of English heritage and doing heroin.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55"Wow, I haven't felt this high since I went to Hever Castle.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Pass me my Wookey Hole tourniquet
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"and I'll get on with taking these drugs, yeah."
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Tell you the one I hate, when you're going on holiday
0:06:05 > 0:06:07and other people ask you to get them things.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08"You going on holiday?" "Yeah."
0:06:08 > 0:06:12"Could you get me a large bottle of vodka?" "No.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"No, cos I'm going on holiday, not doing a big shop."
0:06:17 > 0:06:20"Oh, can you do me a little favour?" "Yeah, yeah, OK."
0:06:20 > 0:06:24"Can you get me 4,000 Lambert & Butler?" "No! I'm not a mule."
0:06:24 > 0:06:27They might as well go, "Are you all right to put this cocaine
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"in a condiment and shove it up your arse?"
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I always say yes to the things... Not that...not that! But I always...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I always say yes. I've this list of things,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I leave it to the last day.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42My last day is just me running around the city looking for items.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45It's like I'm in an episode of The Apprentice,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49just running around Milan, going, "I don't know what a pashmina is."
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Tell you what I hated, when I used to work in an office,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and you'd come back from holiday and people would go,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Oh, did you get us anything?"
0:07:00 > 0:07:01"No.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"Cos the reason I went on holiday is to forget that you existed.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15"I'm not going to lie to you,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"I didn't think about you once in the last two weeks,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"except when I got here and then I felt depressed."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I don't think people should buy presents
0:07:24 > 0:07:26for people they don't know that well.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29My aunt, last Christmas, she didn't need to get me a present.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Instead, what I opened
0:07:32 > 0:07:34was a flat cap.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37A flat cap.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"Oh, that's a great present cos it is my New Year's resolution
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"to deliver bread on a bicycle."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I looked at this flat cap, disbelieving,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50she looked at me, she said, "Oh, have you already got one?" "No!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"And I'm not going to have one again once I hit the charity shop."
0:07:54 > 0:07:57It was unbelievable. If you get a bad T-shirt for Christmas,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59you can do something, you can wear it under something else.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You can't do that with a flat cap.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Walking around town, going,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"No-one's spotted my flat cap underneath my top hat."
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Or you can wear a T-shirt to the gym.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10You can't do that in a flat cap.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13On the treadmill, girls goes past, "Ey-up!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:17She said, "Well, I thought they were fashionable."
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Then she said, "Perhaps you could wear it backwards?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Backwards!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I'm not Samuel L Jackson!
0:08:27 > 0:08:28She... Oh, this was the worst, though.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Last birthday, she sent me a birthday card, right? Fine.
0:08:31 > 0:08:37Then my mum told me that I had to send her a thank-you card
0:08:37 > 0:08:39for the birthday card.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Then she sent me a thank-you card for my thank-you card
0:08:42 > 0:08:45for my thank-you card for her birthday card.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I have been tricked into becoming my auntie's pen pal.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Also, what are these cards that aunties are sending?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Always from the same range, isn't it?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Always something like a gentle watercolour of two footballers
0:08:59 > 0:09:01going in for a tackle.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Where are they getting them? I've never seen them on sale.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Did they buy a big box in the '70s?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"Well, that's me through till death now, yeah."
0:09:14 > 0:09:17They're just going on Moonpig, going, "I'll tell you what I want.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21"Could I get the words Birthday Boy and then could I get
0:09:21 > 0:09:26"a gentle watercolour of a racing car going past a chequered flag?
0:09:29 > 0:09:34"Also, could I get another one with a gentle watercolour of a golfer
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"teeing off in tartan trousers? Yeah.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"And could you sellotape a pound coin inside, yeah,
0:09:40 > 0:09:41"that would be perfect."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Best 32nd birthday I'll ever have.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I don't do cards cos I'm in a relationship.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It's difficult giving cards when you're in a relationship.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It should be simple, should be fine.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56We should just send one from both of us,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58instead what happens is my girlfriend will get the card,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00then will write, "Dear Steve, Happy birthday,"
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and then what she'll do is she writes her name,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05then the word "and"...
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And then she'll hand me the card
0:10:08 > 0:10:11to write my name in a different handwriting,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14so they know I took no part in the rest of the process.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19"It shows it's from both of us." "It shows it's from YOU.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"Why do I need to write my own name? I'm not four."
0:10:23 > 0:10:27"Look at Josh, he can write his own name. Isn't he doing well?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:32"Why not just put a handprint and we'll be done with it?"
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I used to have a flatmate - that was more annoying.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38That was who I lived with before -
0:10:38 > 0:10:42the kind of person that couldn't handle the simplest of adult tasks.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45This reached a point... The day I knew I had to move out
0:10:45 > 0:10:47was the day he phoned me and he said,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"Josh, I've had a bit of an accident." I said, "What happened?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He said, "I've managed to flood the landing."
0:10:55 > 0:10:56And initially I thought,
0:10:56 > 0:11:00"That is an interesting use of the word 'managed'.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"Cos that implies he's been trying to do it for ages."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"There's no taps, this is going to be much more
0:11:06 > 0:11:07"of a challenge than I thought."
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I said, "How did you do it?" And this is what he said.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12He said, "What happened, right, I managed to flood the landing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16"What happened was I fell asleep in the shower...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"..covering the plughole with my arse."
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I said, "Well, you can't just say that like that is a thing.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"I mean, no-one has ever done that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31"I mean, first phone the plumber,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"second phone the Guinness Book Of Records."
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I said, "Well, didn't you wake up when you fell asleep?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And he said, "Well, oh, no, I was a bit tired halfway through
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"so I just had a lie-down."
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Sorry, how tiring is your showering technique?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:49In my showering role, I've never got to the end of my face
0:11:49 > 0:11:51and thought, "Fucking hell, I'm knackered.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"I need to have 40 winks before I move onto my balls."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I mean, he's not got a big face, I'm not living with David Coulthard.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I mean, we've got that Radox relaxing shower gel.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Unless he's drinking it, what is going on?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I was living with him, right? I was getting over a break-up,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12and it's the worst in the world, isn't it -
0:12:12 > 0:12:14the hardest thing in the world, getting over a break-up?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Actually, breaking up with someone
0:12:15 > 0:12:17is the second hardest thing in the world.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19We all know the hardest thing in the world,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23and that is picking a CD up off a laminate floor.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Bloody hell. Drop one of them.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29That's four hours of my life gone, isn't it?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Chasing it around like it's air hockey.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"I'm never going to pick this up.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"If we sell the house, I'm going to have to make this a feature.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"Come in, I've got a microwave, a fridge-freezer,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"that's Urban Hymns by The Verve, that's going nowhere."
0:12:47 > 0:12:49How am I meant to pick it up? A plunger. I don't own a plunger.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I'm not going to call out a plumber.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"You all right, mate? What's the job?"
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"Pick that up, will you?"
0:12:55 > 0:12:59"Why do you recognise me? I flooded my landing just two weeks ago."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Live At The Apollo, you're a lovely audience.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Are you ready for your first act of the evening?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08CHEERING
0:13:09 > 0:13:12She is absolutely brilliant.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14She is one of my favourite acts on the whole circuit.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Please welcome the wonderful Celia Pacquola!
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Good evening. Hello.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Thank you very much for having me here this evening.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- I have come from Australia, so... - WHOOPING
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Whoo!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'm a bit jet-lagged because I flew in tomorrow.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43So my friend admitted to me, right,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47that she likes to masturbate by candlelight.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51And I was like, "Jeez, that must make birthdays awkward. Wow!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"Particularly around the office."
0:13:55 > 0:13:57OK.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Hi.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I am 33 years old. I know. And I am single but I'm fine.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08I generally thought I was fine, and then the other night I got drunk
0:14:08 > 0:14:11and I signed myself up for eHarmony, which is an online dating website.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Don't remember doing it, looked at it the next day.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17It turns out I'm looking for someone who can bring me a pizza.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22And it's brutal.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Like, if you're not dating, be smug, cos this isn't even a joke.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Like, on paper, dating - fact - is
0:14:27 > 0:14:30going up to someone that you don't know
0:14:30 > 0:14:34and going, "Ah! What do you think of this?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:38And they go, "Nah."
0:14:40 > 0:14:43And you go, "OK, cool." "Oi, what do YOU think of this?"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Just that. And on and on and on, and if you go on dates
0:14:46 > 0:14:48and they don't go anywhere, like you don't hear from them,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50you don't know why, like, you don't know why,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and then you get to go home and play a fun game that I like to call,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Was It My Face Or My Opinions?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Could be both. Yahtzee! Oh, my God.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02And it's just...shit.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I hate it, like, you go on dates, you've got to, like,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06pretend to be a person and stuff, I hate it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I hate it. I don't know what to wear.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I wore jeggings. Help.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Help me. What do I do?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14If you don't know, jeggings are
0:15:14 > 0:15:17leggings that look like jeans that make you look skinny.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Except that they aren't and they don't.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:27 > 0:15:29But, to me, they're the second worst fashion, by far,
0:15:29 > 0:15:30than the jumpsuit on women.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Do you remember the jumpsuit,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34the one-piece outfit with the zip up the back?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I think they look good, but if you're wearing one of them,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38if you want to go to the toilet in one of those things,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40you've got to be nude!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42The whole thing has to come off, you got to be nude.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43It's humiliating.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Don't make them be nude, just...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Give them a poo flap or something, help them out!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:51it's just, emotions are complicated.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Like, love and hate are supposed to be two ends of the spectrum.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56But they get mingled.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Like, love can come from hate.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59How is that possible? It is.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I love peanut butter
0:16:03 > 0:16:06because an ex of mine is allergic to nuts,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and every time I eat peanut butter, I imagine him dying.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:18And hate actually led me to unlock a secret of the universe.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Genuinely, hate led me to the best thought
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I'm ever going to have in my whole life. From hate.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25And the thing I was hating was a very simple thing.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It was toe rings.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Simple thing. I hate them.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I hate them more than I should hate...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34OK, I hate them. I think it's because I hate feet.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I think feet are disgusting, and whenever I see a toe ring,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I think, "OK, what you're doing there is you are taking
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"an already-gross toe, and you're trying to make it look like
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"a tiny faceless man with a hairy chest wearing a belt.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45"Stop it."
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Stop it.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51So I was trying to have less hate in my life, so I'm like,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"Right, I'm going to figure this out."
0:16:53 > 0:16:55So I sat in my flat, I'm like, "Let's break it down.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"Why do we have toe rings? Who invented them? Who's behind them?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"What's the point of them?" And then I thought, "Oh, shit."
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Guys.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05You know toe rings?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08They are rings that we wear on our toes.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Then we have rings... Earrings,
0:17:12 > 0:17:13rings people wear in their ears. Yeah?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Eyebrow rings, nose rings, bellybutton rings...
0:17:16 > 0:17:18But these ones,
0:17:18 > 0:17:19rings.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Because if these ones
0:17:22 > 0:17:23were called "finger rings"...
0:17:25 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Make weddings pretty awkward.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:40With this finger ring, I...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42SHE GASPS LOUDLY
0:17:42 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Damn!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Make proposal stories REALLY awkward.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"Oh, my God, so last night, John came over, and out of nowhere,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53"just gave me the most incredible finger ring. I know!"
0:17:53 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"I'm so happy!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"I mean, he asked my dad's permission first, obviously."
0:17:59 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"And my dad was like, 'You go for it, son,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04" 'you give her that finger ring,' and he came over...
0:18:04 > 0:18:05"He got down on one knee, and he said,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07" 'Darling, I want to give you this finger ring,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09" 'it's the same finger ring
0:18:09 > 0:18:11" 'that my grandfather gave to my grandmother.' "
0:18:11 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:14APPLAUSE
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Also make Lord Of The Finger Rings a very different film. OK.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:27There is no-one hearing that. Just keep learning.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Life's about learning, guys.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I will share with you another big thing I learnt this year.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Very exciting.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I learnt showering with a partner
0:18:34 > 0:18:35is not sexy.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:38That does not seem like a big deal,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40but the world tells you it IS sexy,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43but you try that shit once, and you very quickly discover
0:18:43 > 0:18:46that showering with a partner is not sexy.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Showering with a partner is
0:18:47 > 0:18:49taking turns being cold.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Oh, yeah.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Lot of do-si-do action, a lot of,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"Oh, hm, let's move around this way."
0:18:58 > 0:18:59"Why?"
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"Cos I'm goddamn freezing. I'm freezing."
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And a lot of kissing like this.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04SHE SPLUTTERS
0:19:04 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:10But mainly, as I get older,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I just keep finding out shit that I'm wrong about.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Like, you grow up and you go, "I know these things, I'm sure."
0:19:16 > 0:19:18And then, wrong!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20The last time I was in your lovely country,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I was on one of your lovely overland trains,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25you know, the ones that have the toilets
0:19:25 > 0:19:30with the electronic science-fiction doors that go, "Whaysh."
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Now.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I was sure
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I knew how to lock those.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Nah.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Turns out I know how to shut them, yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46And, uh, 12-year-old boys on the other side
0:19:46 > 0:19:49know how to push the open button.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And I don't know if you've ever been sat on the toilet
0:19:52 > 0:19:54when the door opens, but...
0:19:54 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Look, it's everything you dream it will be...
0:19:59 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:01..and a little more.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Now, the thing with those doors is,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06they take quite a long time to open.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09So I was desperately trying to find the close button,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11eventually found the close button, but the thing is,
0:20:11 > 0:20:12as they take quite a long time to open,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14similarly, take quite a long time to close.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17So I got to maintain eye contact...
0:20:17 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:20..with an understandably horrified 12-year-old boy
0:20:20 > 0:20:22as his face was being very slowly covered.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23It was kind of like this.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:28When it finally shut, I sat back down and went, "Oh, my God!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31"I am never wearing a jumpsuit again!"
0:20:31 > 0:20:33LAUGHTER
0:20:33 > 0:20:34APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Thank you so much for having me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Goodnight!
0:20:41 > 0:20:42CHEERING
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Celia Pacquola!
0:20:47 > 0:20:48CHEERING
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Now, are we ready for our next act?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57CHEERING
0:20:57 > 0:20:59He is absolutely astonishing,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01you're going to absolutely love him.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Please welcome to the stage the wonderful Nathan Caton!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05CHEERING
0:21:05 > 0:21:08RAP MUSIC
0:21:19 > 0:21:21How you doing, Apollo? You guys all right?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22CHEERING
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Cool, man. Good to be here. Let's find out who's in the house.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Give me a cheer if you're from the UK!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29CHEERING
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Give me a cheer if you're from overseas!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32CHEERING
0:21:32 > 0:21:34OK, cool, man. Nice little mix we've got going on.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35That's cool, I like that.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37The reason why I'm asking, like, is I was...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I was reading an article in the paper just the other day,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43and it was saying, according to an American survey,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Britain is the most polite nation on the planet.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49SCATTERED CHEERING
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Yeah, bloody right.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:53But no, it said, according to the survey,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55in Britain, we are so polite as a nation,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57we get more offended over bad manners
0:21:57 > 0:21:59than we do over crime.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02No, we bloody don't.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I don't know about you, but if I'm getting mugged,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I don't give a shit about manners, you know?
0:22:06 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:08"Hey, yo, blud, give me your phone."
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"What's the magic word?"
0:22:10 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"I was going to give it to you, piss off now, man."
0:22:16 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"Watch how you talk to people."
0:22:19 > 0:22:20I don't think we're polite.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I think we are very rude as a nation.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25We just... We know how to hide it well. Right?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28But there is one instance when our rudeness comes out.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32One instance when you can see how rude we really are.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34And that's public transport.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I was on a train not too long ago, I was going to a gig.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40And the train stopped in the middle of nowhere, right,
0:22:40 > 0:22:41like, between stations.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43We were there for, like, maybe five to ten minutes, right.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45And then, like, people are starting panicking, like,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47looking out the window, "What's going on, man?"
0:22:47 > 0:22:49"We're not moving, right?"
0:22:49 > 0:22:50And then an announcement came from the driver.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52He went, "Ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"I apologise for this delay to the service,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"caused by a person under a train at a station ahead."
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Now, I guarantee, if that was anywhere else in the world,
0:23:01 > 0:23:02people would give a shit.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:05They would. They'd be like,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07"Oh, my gosh, under a train, that's horrific!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"I...I hope they're OK. Hope they're not hurt too bad."
0:23:10 > 0:23:11But in Britain...
0:23:12 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:16..the typical British response is, "Ugh, selfish prick."
0:23:16 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You know, "Driver, man, just carry on, I've got shit to do today, man."
0:23:26 > 0:23:27LAUGHTER
0:23:27 > 0:23:29"Prick. Hope he dies, leave him."
0:23:29 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:32 > 0:23:34That's selfish. Very selfish people.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I'm selfish, I'm not going to lie.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I am, I'm very selfish.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39In fact, I had probably...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Probably the most disgustingly selfish thought
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I have ever had in my life this year, right.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I'm...I'm not proud. I'm ashamed of it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49But at the time, it was how I felt.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50I'll share it with you guys.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Um, earlier this year, there was a...
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Some people got arrested at Heathrow Airport.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58They were Black Lives Matter protesters, right.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00If you didn't see what happened, basically,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03there were people protesting on behalf on Black Lives Matter,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05and they were lying down in the street.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09And in doing so, they were causing traffic on the approach to Heathrow.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Now, I got stuck in that traffic.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I had to pick up my mum.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15She was on her way back from her holiday, right.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Now, I'm not knocking the whole Black Lives Matter movement, no.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20That's something I support, as a black person, I appreciate it.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's a very noble, very worthy cause.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I think it's disgusting how black people have been, like,
0:24:25 > 0:24:26targeted by the police.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Obviously, black lives do matter.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32CHEERING
0:24:38 > 0:24:39However.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:42As I was sat in my car,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46in that long queue of non-moving traffic,
0:24:46 > 0:24:47I'm not going to lie,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50there was a selfish part of me that was thinking...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"If the police were to take out these black guys right now..."
0:24:53 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:57"..they would be doing me a huge favour, right."
0:24:57 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Obviously, black lives do matter.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Just...not as much as my own, innit, right?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I mean, I can't be late for my mum.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07If I'm late, she's going to kill me, so either way,
0:25:07 > 0:25:08someone black is going to die.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:11I'd rather it weren't me.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Sorry.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Selfish. I'm sorry.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Mums are quality.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18When I saw this story, I was pissing myself.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You know, there's been a thing in the news
0:25:21 > 0:25:24about young British kids who've been going off to Syria, right?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27That's not what made me piss myself, obviously.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Jihad! - HE LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Oh, jokers, man!
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Lads, lads, lads, lads!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I'm pretty sure they don't say that when they...
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Lads, lads! Muhammad, oi, oi! Lads, lads, lads!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:47But, yeah, you know this recent thing with, like,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49young British kids, you know, going off to Syria,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51which has been stupid.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I mean, I don't see the fascination myself, you know.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Young British kids, desperate to go to Syria.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57I tell you what, man,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59that Duke of Edinburgh Award is going downhill.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04It's changed, hasn't it? But I saw the story, right.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It was about a woman, she was a mum.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07And her 18-year-old son,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11he went off to Syria to join IS,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13or "is", whatever they call themselves.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Right.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17It could be "is", you never know.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19It sounds cooler, doesn't it?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"We is, and we out." Right?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I'm guessing PR isn't top of their agenda at the moment, but, you know.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27So, yes, there was a mum.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30And her 18-year-old kid, he went off to Syria to join,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32let's just call them Islamic State for now. Right?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Here's the cool bit.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37The mum went to Syria and dragged her son back home.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39LAUGHTER
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I think that is bloody quality.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Like, forget bombings and invasions,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I think we've found a new solution to terrorism.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Just get pissed-off parents to go to the Middle East
0:26:49 > 0:26:51and take their kids back home.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I think that'll work, you know.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55For example, if I was a terrorist,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58and my mum or my grandma came to get me...
0:27:00 > 0:27:01That would work, trust me.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I'd be in a cave in Syria, posing with my gun...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Unh! Unh!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13And then, all of a sudden, I hear...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- CARIBBEAN ACCENT:- "Nathan."
0:27:16 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:19APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:24"Where you?"
0:27:24 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"Me know you're in there, boy."
0:27:28 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:31 > 0:27:33"Unless you want me to come inside there
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"and embarrass you in front of your friend?"
0:27:35 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:37"Bring yourself home, now."
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:40CHEERING
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Next thing you know,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I'm being dragged by the ear to the local airport,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54my grandma screaming in my face,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"Terrorist? You want to be a terrorist?"
0:27:56 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER
0:27:58 > 0:28:01"When we get home, me gonna show you terror. Come."
0:28:01 > 0:28:02LAUGHTER
0:28:02 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Solution for terrorism. You're welcome.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12LAUGHTER
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Anyway. Listen, you guys have been lovely, man.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I've been Nathan Caton. Take care. Cheers.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17CHEERING
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Nathan Caton!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Thank you so much for coming to Live At The Apollo.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Can we have one more round of applause for Celia Pacquola...
0:28:31 > 0:28:32CHEERING
0:28:32 > 0:28:34..and Nathan Caton!
0:28:34 > 0:28:35CHEERING
0:28:35 > 0:28:37I'm Josh Widdicombe, thank you very much.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Cheers, goodnight!
0:28:39 > 0:28:40CHEERING