0:00:06 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23please welcome your host for tonight -
0:00:28 > 0:00:31RAP MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:31 > 0:00:34AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hammersmith Apollo, what's happening, people?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43What's happening? AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Excellent. Good to be here at the Hammersmith Apollo.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Live at the Apollo.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I'm hosting this. I'M HOSTING THIS!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:54 > 0:00:55So, I'm back.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I don't know if you guys know this, I've been working a lot abroad.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Been in America quite a bit the last few years.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Back and forth between England and America.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07At the moment, I'm in New York.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08It's very similar.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10New York and London are very similar.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11They're similar places, they are.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14New York is just a bigger, crazier...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18..filthier version.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Cos New York is filthy. It's filth... It's dirty.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23It's dirty.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It's filthy.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28It's a dirty, filthy...
0:01:29 > 0:01:30..gross...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33..dirty...
0:01:34 > 0:01:37..dirty city. It's filthy, it's dirty.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38It's dirty!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Let me tell you how dirty it is.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I got into a staring match with a rat on the subway.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50That's what I'm talking about. You know when you see a rat?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I saw this big rat.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54And I was like... You know you think you can scare them away?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I just went, "Argh!" and the rat just went, "Huh?"
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I thought, "Oh, shit, my bad, my bad."
0:02:02 > 0:02:03It's filthy!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05It's a filthy city, which is a problem for me
0:02:05 > 0:02:08cos I am very OCD. I am super OCD.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I'm a germ-a-phobe, big-time.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I travel a lot as a comedian, I stay in lots of different hotels
0:02:13 > 0:02:15and things and people always say to me,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19"Oh, it must be really good, staying in all these different hotels all over the world."
0:02:19 > 0:02:20No, not for me.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I travel with my own bedsheets...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26AUDIENCE LAUGHS ..pillow and pillowcase,
0:02:26 > 0:02:30special slippers that I only wear in hotel rooms
0:02:30 > 0:02:34cos I don't want hotel floor to contaminate my floor.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Every hotel room I stay in looks like an episode of Dexter.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I just put plastic... Plastic.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Plastic.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I've seen too many of those TV shows.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You know those science shows where they go,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"We went into a hotel room
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"and we took a swab off the mattress...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"..and we found blood, skin, faeces
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"and semen from a giraffe."
0:03:01 > 0:03:06I'm like, "Oh, my God, they let giraffe check into the Hilton, this is..."
0:03:06 > 0:03:10I touch nothing in a hotel room, nothing. I wipe everything down.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I don't even touch the TV remote control in a hotel room.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15That's right, people, I don't touch it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16I wrap it in a shower cap.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Some of you are looking at me like, "That's a good idea."
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Yes, it is!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29The TV remote is the filthiest part of the room.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It's filthy, it's dirty!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33It's dirty!
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I tell you why, I tell you why the remote control is the filthiest.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43A very large percentage of people that stay in hotels
0:03:43 > 0:03:44are single men.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Let me say that again, single men!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Travelling alone.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56All alone.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Men alone.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Alone, all alone.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Alone.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Single men alone. All alone.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Alone.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10And what do single men do when they are all alone? Alone.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14What do you do, young man, when you are all alone?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You... AUDIENCE CLAPS
0:04:16 > 0:04:18You...
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Alone in a room with your ten chubby little fingers, all alone.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Don't look at her, look at me. Look at me!
0:04:29 > 0:04:30You know what you're doing!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You're watching porn, you're having a wank,
0:04:34 > 0:04:35that's what you're doing!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I don't know about you but I do not want to become the first woman
0:04:40 > 0:04:43in the world to become pregnant from a remote control.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Some of you are looking at me funny.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I'm not saying I put them inside me.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58But accidents do happen, accidents!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I'm OCD, I'm a germ-a-phobe,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I have a problem using public toilets.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08I can't do it, I can't do it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I mean, most women, we don't sit on the toilet seats anyway, do we?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13They're disgusting, they're gross, they're dirty!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15They're gross.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18And now they are coming out with this thing now where they put...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20They've got those paper toilet-seat covers.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Have you seen these things?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24They've got these paper toilet-seat covers you can pull out and put on the toilet seat.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28But have you seen what they are made from? It is tracing paper.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Tracing paper!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32That stuff acts like a blotter.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38You sit on that and pee, one drop of pee gets on it,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41it spreads all through the paper.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45And you get up and you've got paper stuck to your bum.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48So, we don't, we don't sit on those toilets.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What do we do, ladies? What do we do?
0:05:50 > 0:05:55AUDIENCE MURMURS That's right, we hover, we squat.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56That's what we do.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Did you know we do that? Your girlfriend does this.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Look at me, sir, look at me.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05She does this. Every woman in the world - good thighs, good thighs,
0:06:05 > 0:06:06from doing this.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10That's why when she wraps her legs round your neck, you can't get out.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Look at me, look at me!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Squat.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23You pee, straight line, sir, straight line.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26None of this deviation stuff, straight line.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Straight down the middle of the bowl. Squat, pee, wipe, flush.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32That's what we do, right?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Huh?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Can you do this, men? Can you do this?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43No, only women can do this, only women,
0:06:43 > 0:06:44cos we are toilet ninjas.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Times have changed, though, times have changed.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55You know, I'm not as young as I was.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58So my aim is not what it was.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I don't know what's happened to my flaps.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Yes, I have sex flaps!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I can't pee in a straight line any more.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I've recently found myself peeing down the back of my thighs.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25And yesterday, I managed to pee on the woman in the next stall.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33A lot of anti-immigrant feeling going on around the world right now.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I'm an immigrant to America, my mother was an immigrant from Nigeria
0:07:37 > 0:07:40to England, and I don't know if this is immigrant mentality,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42when you have kids in a different country,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44you're a lot more ambitious for your kids,
0:07:44 > 0:07:45you want your kids to do well,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48cos my mum was super ambitious for us.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Super ambitious. Like, in an African family... Any Africans in?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Any Africans? CHEERING
0:07:54 > 0:07:56That's just for us, white people, not you. Just for us.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01SHE LAUGHS
0:08:01 > 0:08:04African family, you've got four choices of career.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Doctor,
0:08:06 > 0:08:07lawyer,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09engineer,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11disgrace to the family.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20My mum picked all our jobs before we were born.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22When my mum was pregnant with me, someone went up to her and went,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26"What are you having?" She was like, "I'm having a doctor."
0:08:28 > 0:08:29And that was it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31She picked my subjects at school.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I was going to be a doctor,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35got as far as A level biology and we had to cut open a rat.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Remember that? You had to cut open a rat, and I just discovered
0:08:38 > 0:08:43I couldn't stand the sight of blood or anything vaguely biological,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45so I had to switch it up. I was like, "Mum..."
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I had to tell my mum the doctor thing wasn't going to work out.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50But it was all right, I said, "I'm going to be an engineer," and
0:08:50 > 0:08:53my mum was like, "Hmm, engineer, it is on the list, OK."
0:08:56 > 0:09:00And then she turns to my younger brother, "You will be the doctor!"
0:09:03 > 0:09:05That's how it ran in my family.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10She wasn't impressed when I decided to become a comedian.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12That conversation didn't go very well, cos I was an engineer,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I worked as an engineer for years.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I used to work for Otis, repairing lifts.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18That is what I did and my mum was proud.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"Yes, my daughter, she is an engineer."
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And then I left that and decided to become a comedian.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26My mum was not impressed.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29She was like, "Comedy, comedy! What the hell is comedy?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"What am I going to tell my friends in Nigeria? Hey? Hey?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"My daughter is a clown."
0:09:43 > 0:09:47But, luckily for me, within six months of starting comedy,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51I got on this talent show called The Big, Big Talent Show,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53hosted by Jonathan Ross. I got on this show.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56So I called my mum, I was like, "Mum, I got through to this big
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"talent show, it's going to be on TV,
0:09:59 > 0:10:00"I'm through to the quarterfinals."
0:10:00 > 0:10:03My mum was like, "Oh, yeah, that's good, very good, interesting,
0:10:03 > 0:10:04"very good.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"Call me when you get to the final.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12"I'm not interested in this quarterfinal, semifinal rubbish.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13"Call me for the final."
0:10:16 > 0:10:18So, sure enough, I got through to the final,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20filmed live on television, live.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Jonathan Ross is hosting and my mum comes down with her entourage
0:10:24 > 0:10:29cos my mum doesn't travel without a Nigerian entourage.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34So I do my set, Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after my set
0:10:34 > 0:10:37and he sees my mum in the audience, which was not hard to spot.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40It is literally, white people, white people, white people,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42and then a bank of African royalty, just...
0:10:44 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:51So, Jonathan points to my mum and he goes, "Is that your mum?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"Gina's mum is in the audience?"
0:10:53 > 0:10:56And I swear to God, my mum stood up like this...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05"Yes, that is right, I am the reason the clown is here,
0:11:05 > 0:11:06"I am the reason.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"I always knew she was going to be a clown.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"When she was three, I bought her the big shoes."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16So my mum only comes out for the big shows.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20She only comes out for the big shows and in fact, my mum is here tonight.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Where's my mum? Where's my mum?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28There's my mum over there. She's here.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29GINA LAUGHS
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Look at her, standing up! Look at her, there she is.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39All right, you can sit down now, Mum, you can sit down now, Mum.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42This is my show, Mum! It's my show!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43It's my show!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50GINA LAUGHS
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Yeah, you can sit down now, Mum.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:56 > 0:11:58And at that point, I think it is time to bring on the first
0:11:58 > 0:12:00act of the show. Are you guys ready?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03CHEERING
0:12:05 > 0:12:08This first comedian coming on is a rising star on the comedy scene.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12She is hilarious. Give it up for the very funny Ellie Taylor.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Hello, Apollo, are you well?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30It's amazing, this is lovely, isn't it?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33So, hello, my name's Ellie, I got married last year.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Thank you. It's lovely being married.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Just been sort of spending the last 12 months getting used to it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Remembering to call myself a Mrs,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45remembering not to sleep with other people.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Apparently, that one's quite important, apparently.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Don't get me wrong, right, I love my husband.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I love my husband,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55but I also love Weetabix.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And if somebody told me that Weetabix was the only cereal
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I was allowed to eat for the rest of my life...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Pretty sure in a few years...
0:13:06 > 0:13:09AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:13:09 > 0:13:10I'd want to fuck another man.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15My wedding was quite unusual,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17cos you might not know this about me,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I'm a full-time comedian
0:13:19 > 0:13:22but I'm also actually a part-time professional feminist icon.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I'm in a job share with Sandi Toksvig.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Like all feminist icons,
0:13:27 > 0:13:32I'm obviously extremely politically knowledgeable, like, loads, babe,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35so, I decided to use my wedding to investigate a political issue.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40And the political issue I decided to investigate was immigration.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43So what I did, guys, what I did, I married an immigrant.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44SHE SQUEAKS
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I know, immersive, isn't it?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50I'm basically Louis Theroux.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56It was a bit tricky at the beginning, I was like, God,
0:13:56 > 0:13:57what does it eat?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02No, don't give it milk and bread, can't have that,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04oh, no, that's hedgehogs, isn't it? As you were.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Flat palm, flat palm.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Now, my immigrant, he is Australian-themed.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18But they also come in other flavours, they do.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20They also come, I don't know if you know this,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23with different outfits you can change. Great fun.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Sometimes, I put my one in a suit.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I'm like, "Oh, smart immigrant."
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Sometimes I put him in a pair of trainers.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"Oh, casual immigrant."
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Sometimes, I put him in a job that a British person can't or won't do.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45CHEERING
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Typical bloody immigrant!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Get your own, there's loads of them.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Honestly, he's probably the best accessory I've ever had,
0:14:59 > 0:15:00and I own a Taser.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05So, no, it's really nice being married.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Cos I'm not sure about having kids right now, so it means I'm
0:15:07 > 0:15:11very aware of my contraception, so I've done all the research for you.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16So, the pill - 99% effective. Condoms - 99% effective.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Eating a large Indian takeaway, and then going,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"Oh, look how pregnant I look!"
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- 100% effective.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30But my view on kids actually helped me become
0:15:30 > 0:15:32a little bit of an internet sensation earlier this year.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34There was this thing on Facebook - I don't know if you saw it -
0:15:34 > 0:15:36it was called the Motherhood Challenge.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39So it's when mums were putting up five photos of themselves
0:15:39 > 0:15:41that made them proud to be a mother.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44So there'll be pictures of little Ken on the beach.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Little Ken trying avocado for the first time.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Little Ken asking, "What kind of a name is Ken for a toddler?"
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Lovely, lovely.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Now, I do not have a problem with anyone being proud to be a parent.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I just saw a lot of this stuff, thought,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"I'm going to do the opposite." I did the Non-Motherhood Challenge.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I posted five photos of myself that made me proud NOT to be a mother.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Four of those were pictures of me asleep.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:25And the fifth one was of me asleep, holding a bottle of wine.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Really, really silly, right? Whacked it up on Facebook.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Didn't really think any more about it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35For some reason, it went bananas, right?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37It went viral, got shared a gazillion times,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39went all the way round the world.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42At one point, I became woman of the week on a Swahili parenting blog.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46And it was really interesting,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49seeing the different responses I got back to it.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51So the first sort of people to write on my Facebook page were women,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53like me, without children, saying things like,
0:16:53 > 0:16:57"Oh, Ellie, thanks for giving us, the childless, a voice."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I was like, "No, worries, babes, you're welcome."
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And then I got some other replies, and I've printed them out here,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07so I got some replies from some mothers,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09so that was quite interesting.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Erm... Like this lady. We'll call her Mummy Number One.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17She said, "You don't understand what it feels like to become a mother,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"you fucking superficial basic bitch."
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Mummy Number One!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29So maternal, isn't she(?)
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Then what happened is other childless women started
0:17:36 > 0:17:38defending me against the cross mums.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41There was this lady, piped up, very angry.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43We'll call her Outraged From Kent.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46She said, "Why is this funny?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50"Don't mock the ones who choose to be parents. Very tasteless."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53So then, an American lady came in to my rescue.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Now, see if you can work out why I think she's American.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- IN AMERICAN ACCENT: - "Jesus Christ, woman!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"No-one owes you an explanation.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"Nobody has time for another butthurt mommy."
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Outraged From Kent comes back, rather sensibly,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13with, "What on earth is a butthurt mummy?"
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Nobody knows. Nobody knows.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Then other cross mums started replying to me,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21but these mums were from different countries,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25so they were insulting me in different languages.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Don't worry, guys - Facebook translates it for us,
0:18:27 > 0:18:28so we didn't miss out!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32There was this lady from Mexico.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Now, when it says "it", I think it means "she".
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"No wonder it does not have children.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"Look at its big teeth."
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Gracias, amigo Mexico.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03But this is all saved, in the end,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06by the final group who replied to me, and they made everything better.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09They were led by a man called Alessandro.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And Alessandro says,
0:19:11 > 0:19:16"As an Italian, I need to know,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"what kind of wine is that?"
0:19:20 > 0:19:23APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Guys, you have been an absolute dream come true. Thank you so much.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I've been Ellie Taylor. Thank you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Ellie Taylor! CHEERS
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Are you guys ready for your next comedian?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54CHEERS
0:19:57 > 0:19:59This next comedian coming on is hilarious.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I'm looking forward to seeing him.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05He is from Australia, and he's very, very weird.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Give it up for Sam Simmons!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- All right! Hello, Apollo! - CHEERS
0:20:23 > 0:20:24We'll address this straight away.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I'm well aware that I look like a Super Mario brother had sex with a
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Spaniard at Betfred, but that's the look I'm going for tonight, people.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36It gets worse, though. Look at this.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I look like, er...
0:20:40 > 0:20:46I look like all the faces from the children's board game Guess Who?...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48condensed into one head.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54All right, well, enough of what my head looks like on the outside.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Let's see what it looks like on the inside. Let's go!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- RECORDED VOICE:- Er, do you like bread?- Yeah, bread's all right.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Do you, like, fully get into it? - Not fully.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- What are you talking about? What are you talking about again?- Bread.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Yeah, I know bread, mate. I know bread.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Oh, you know bread.- Well, I don't know bread, but I like toast.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- I like toast. - Yeah, toast is good, eh?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16DISCO MUSIC STARTS PLAYING
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Yeah, I, erm, fully get into bread. I like bread when I good.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- Er... New bread. - What are you talking about, mate?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25What are you going on about? What's going on?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Bread. - Yeah, I know bread!
0:21:27 > 0:21:32What's going on with this disco music, man? What's with the music?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- Er, it's for the bread.- What do you mean, "It's for the bread"?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Er, when you're putting on bread shoes.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- You should have just said, "Putting on bread shoes"!- Er, bread shoes.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Oh, yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47This one's going out to all the ladies out there who like
0:21:47 > 0:21:50to wear bread on their feet.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# Bread shoes
0:21:55 > 0:21:58# Put on your bread shoes
0:22:02 > 0:22:05APPLAUSE # Put on your bread shoes,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07# bread shoes on your feet. #
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- MUSIC STOPS - Here, heads up!
0:22:20 > 0:22:24So, that's the vibe we're going for, ladies and gentlemen. That's it.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- APPLAUSE - It's niche. It's niche stuff.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I'm a strong flavour. I'm like the coriander of comedy. Deal with it.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Hey, this is a fun thing to do. This is a good,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37fun thing to do when you get poor customer service from someone.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40If someone's being an arsehole to you behind the counter,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and you go to get your change back, OK?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Don't go like that.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Just go like that.
0:22:47 > 0:22:4940% of the time, all of the time,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52they'll try to balance the coins on top of your hand.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56And don't break eye contact. Just like, "Yes, yes, yes!"
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Here's a fun thing to do next time you go to one of those shit shops
0:23:00 > 0:23:02like Poundland, or "POUNDland", if you're in Scotland.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Sorry, the north.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06They've always got shit names. You know those shit shops?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I call them The Shit Shop back at home.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12They've always got stupid names, like Price Slap and Bargain Sluts.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Anyway...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Go into one of those shops,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18and look for the most redundant item you can find.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's not hard. Those shops are just full of shit you do not need.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Like an oven mitt/alarm clock, you know what I mean?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Wander on in, find something really ridiculous that you do not need.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Like, I went into one shop in Adelaide,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32and I walked in there and I found myself
0:23:32 > 0:23:36a ceramic reindeer standing on top of a grassy mound,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39with a thermometer just coming up off the side.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42You know when you need to get a reindeer thermometer heaps quick?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Make sure there's a few on the shelf.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Make sure there's about 20 there.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Get out of the shop, OK, once you've found your shit item.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Wander back about a week later.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Go straight in, right to the person working behind the counter,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and go, "Excuse me, I wonder if you could help me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"I'm looking for something maybe like a reindeer.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57"Doesn't have to be a reindeer, mind you.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"Could be any type of ungulate or hoofed animal.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01"The catch is, it's got to have
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"some measurement of weather attached to the side of it."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06This guy lost his mind.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09He's like, "Oh, my God, I've got exactly that item!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:13When he brings it back, though, when he brings it back, just hold it
0:24:13 > 0:24:16and go, "Yeah, it's kind of like what I was looking for.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20"It's just not for me, though."
0:24:21 > 0:24:24All right, guys, it's going to get weird now.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28So this next piece is called Things That Shit Me.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31These are things that piss me off. Let's go.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Things that shit me -
0:24:35 > 0:24:36when you walk into a room,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40and then you forget why you walked in there in the first place.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Oh, yeah!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Things that shit me -
0:24:54 > 0:24:57having to hug people you don't know very well.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Not you! Get in here!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Things that shit me -
0:25:08 > 0:25:13this picture book of kittens which was first published in 1972.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Now the sad thing about this book here is,
0:25:15 > 0:25:19if it was first published in 1972, they're all dead now.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22It's just a book of dead cats.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Dead, dead, dead.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Every one of them's dead. Dead, dead, dead. They're all dead!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Things that shit me -
0:25:37 > 0:25:42those people who forget to take off their bicycle helmets inside shops.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47"Do you guys got croissants?"
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Things that shit me -
0:25:53 > 0:25:56really confusing television commercials.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS - Reliability, integrity,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03inspiration, synergy, refreshment.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Be who you are - The Waffle House.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Things that shit me -
0:26:11 > 0:26:13my impression of a little shy guy.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- Stop it.- You think you're so good. - Shut up, I do not. Stop that.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Yes, you do.- I do not. Stop it. - You do. You think you're so good.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- I don't think I'm so good! Stop it. You stop it.- You stop it.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- You stop it first.- You stop it. - You stop it.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27- You little shy guy. - I'm not shy,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I just get a little bit weird in front of 3,000 people I don't know.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36What? Stop looking at me. Stop that! Please stop. Please don't stop.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Please don't stop.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Things that shit me -
0:26:39 > 0:26:42the fact that I can never be a gardener or a horticulturalist
0:26:42 > 0:26:47because if I hold up a pot-plant like this, I look like a sex pest.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53What? Stop it!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Things that shit me -
0:26:55 > 0:26:58DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:15 > 0:27:17One for you, man!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24It's all right. Just let me get over there.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Just a minute. It's all right. I'm trying to get back here. It's fine.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35It's fine, come on. Come on!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37It's fine. Come on, now.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43It's all right, it's all right. Get in there! Just get in!
0:27:43 > 0:27:44It's not real!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Things that shit me -
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- me. - Thank you very much, Apollo!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- CHEERS - Thank you!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Sam Simmons!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Gina, I've got too much stuff to pick up.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- CHEERS - I've got too much stuff.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- Just get your stuff, Sam. Take that massive cock with you.- Yeah.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- Take it. - You do know that's...
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Just in case you were wondering.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- Sam Simmons!- Thank you! - CHEERS
0:28:27 > 0:28:29You guys have been fantastic tonight.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32You've seen myself, Gina Yashere, you've seen Ellie Taylor,
0:28:32 > 0:28:37and Sam Simmons. Thanks for coming to Live At The Apollo. Goodnight.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Thank you. Goodnight.