0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Adam Hills!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30MUSIC: Park Life by Blur
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Hello, Apollo!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39For those of you who don't know, my hair,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41OK, I lost a bet...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45..with the British Paralympic team.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I bet them they wouldn't win more medals
0:00:47 > 0:00:49than the Australian Paralympic team.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50They did.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I now have a Union Jack on my head.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I said if they won the bet, I would paint a Union Jack on my head.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02They won the bet, so...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I know. I look like Nigel Farage's wet dream.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It's appalling. People have asked me how long I'm going to keep it.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17The answer is, until I have to do a show in Belfast.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Before I go any further, I do have to point out
0:01:21 > 0:01:23there is a bit of weirdness going on
0:01:23 > 0:01:24at the bottom of my leg here.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26For those of you who don't know, I have a prosthetic foot,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28which is no big deal.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Normally it doesn't stick out,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32but last year I was fitted with one of those really cool blades,
0:01:32 > 0:01:33I don't know if you can see that.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35One of those running blades that they have.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36I was pretty excited by that.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38The only problem with having a blade is,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40when you tell people you've got a blade, they go...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43"Oh, you mean like...?" You go, "Yeah, him, yeah, that guy."
0:01:47 > 0:01:50That was the thing - I always hid my foot when I was a kid.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I always kept it hidden because I didn't know anyone cool
0:01:52 > 0:01:54that looked cool with a cool prosthetic
0:01:54 > 0:01:56and then I got the chance to get a blade
0:01:56 > 0:01:58and I went, "Yeah, finally, I'm going to look cool."
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And then Oscar Pistorius fucked it up for all of us!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Clearly, I'm the least damaged of all the people
0:02:07 > 0:02:10that he has come into contact with, but still...
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Do you know what I mean?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Finally I get a blade and then he... Argh!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Now I know how Charlie Chaplin felt
0:02:16 > 0:02:18when Hitler started using his tiny moustache.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Now what I thought was going to be cool
0:02:25 > 0:02:27is just an object of ridicule and now people just make jokes.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I go, "Oh, I've got a blade."
0:02:29 > 0:02:31They go, "Oh-ho! Better lock the bathroom door!" No way!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Jimmy Carr, I saw Jimmy Carr a couple of weeks ago
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and I said, "Look at this, I've got a blade,"
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and he went, "Oh, South African eBay, was it?"
0:02:46 > 0:02:49You know what? I don't care what's happened, I think it looks cool.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I'm going to own it, it sticks out the bottom of my trousers
0:02:51 > 0:02:53but I don't care, I will happily let it stick out there
0:02:53 > 0:02:55cos I think it looks cool.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57WHOOPING Yeah!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00You all say that,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05but the old lady in Basingstoke that came up to me recently after a show
0:03:05 > 0:03:06didn't think this.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07These were her exact words -
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"I know you think it looks cool...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"..but from the audience, it just looks like one long testicle
0:03:13 > 0:03:15"is hanging down the bottom of your trousers."
0:03:17 > 0:03:19This guy here, I'm going to go for this guy here.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21How old are you there, sir?
0:03:21 > 0:03:22- I'm 50.- 50.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24All right. I'm a few years behind you,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27but I reckon we are probably at the same point in our lives,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29which is we need to start living healthier,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32but we haven't had the scare that forces us to do it yet.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- And what's your name, sir? - Andy.- Andy.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You know what turns me off being healthy?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Talking to healthy people.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45They are the dullest human beings in any room.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And well done, man clapping over there.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51If you're healthy, shut up, no-one needs to hear about it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54And the thing is, I know when you're being healthy it makes you feel good
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and you want to tell everyone, but no-one needs to hear it.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I've got friends that just go on for hours.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03"Oh, my God, Adam. All I do is eat kale and drink my own urine."
0:04:03 > 0:04:04"I don't care."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"But I've got so much more energy than you."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Yeah, cos you've just drained most of mine."
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"I'm going to live ten years longer than you, Adam."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"Yeah, but I'm going to die surrounded by friends."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25The truth is, the only reason I've started being healthy
0:04:25 > 0:04:29is cos my wife recently told me I needed to be a bit healthier.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30She didn't use those words.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Her exact words were, "You've really let yourself go."
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Now, have you ever had that, Andy?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Do you have a partner? You do.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Is your partner here? She's not, she's at home?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Has she ever said you've let yourself go?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Yep, OK. Here's what I've learned -
0:04:45 > 0:04:47there is a right and a wrong way to respond to that
0:04:47 > 0:04:50and the words are exactly the same for the right and wrong way,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52it's just the inflection you use that makes them right or wrong.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I'll show you what I mean, everyone. This is the right way to respond
0:04:55 > 0:04:58when your partner says, "You've really let yourself go."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Yeah.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03"Yeah, I've really let myself go."
0:05:03 > 0:05:05This is the wrong way to respond.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"Yeah(!) I've really let MYSELF go!"
0:05:09 > 0:05:10APPLAUSE
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Can you see the difference there? It's slight.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Yeah. It's tough times,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19tough times in our house at the moment,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22since I first started doing that joke.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23I've got two kids.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I was not ready for the strain it puts on a relationship
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and part of it comes down to who is in charge,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30because I like to help out.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32My wife has her way of doing things and I've got my way of doing things
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and when those things are different,
0:05:34 > 0:05:36who is right and who's wrong and who has final say?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I don't know who to talk to about this.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I grew up in the '70s, when dads weren't hands-on
0:05:41 > 0:05:43but entertainers were, so...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Hey...
0:05:49 > 0:05:53All I'm saying is it's good to see an Australian one-legged entertainer
0:05:53 > 0:05:55with an extra one doing well in Britain.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00So it's this weird thing -
0:06:00 > 0:06:02my wife and I, and I know all parents do this,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05we'll clash over who is right and who is wrong and every now and then,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I see a single parent on the street
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and look at them struggling with three kids and think, "Oh, my God!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13"It must be so much easier without someone telling you
0:06:13 > 0:06:14"you're doing it wrong!"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Are there any single parents here tonight?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Yes. Down here, you are, ma'am.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Single parents are absolute heroes and I genuinely believe this.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I want to apologise for everything I ever thought about single parents
0:06:26 > 0:06:28cos I used to look at single parents on the street
0:06:28 > 0:06:30yelling at their kids - and I know this is wrong -
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I used to look at them and go, "Oh, my God,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"no wonder you're single!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I know this is wrong. "You're an arsehole!"
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Now, I look at single parents on the street and go, "Oh, my God,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"children turned you into an arsehole."
0:06:43 > 0:06:47I remember sitting in a cafe in the middle of England,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I was doing a show and it was the afternoon
0:06:49 > 0:06:50and I was having a nice cup of tea
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and I remember watching this woman...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54This is how much my views on the world have changed.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I remember watched this woman walking across the street
0:06:57 > 0:06:58and she had three bags of shopping
0:06:58 > 0:07:00and her son's schoolbag and he was about seven
0:07:00 > 0:07:02and she was walking across a zebra crossing
0:07:02 > 0:07:04and this is how he was walking.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08She was walking across. He was doing this. He was going...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14..landing on each white line as he went.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I was watching him thinking, "Yeah, you embrace life, kid,
0:07:17 > 0:07:18"you embrace life,"
0:07:18 > 0:07:21and his mum turned to him and just went, "Oh, walk sensibly."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I remember sitting there thinking, "You bitch.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27"You absolute bitch.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31"That kid is seven, he is turning crossing the road into an adventure,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"he is living every second of life and making everything fun,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"leave him alone.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"Let him have his childhood."
0:07:38 > 0:07:39But now that I've got kids...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43..I want to go back to that moment
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and I want to walk up to them and look at the kid and go,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"Walk sensibly, you little shit!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"Your mum's got three bags of shopping and your schoolbag,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"you're lucky she hasn't pushed you under a truck, you little arsehole!"
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Because I'm amazed...
0:08:00 > 0:08:02My wife looks after our kids when I'm away and she is awesome,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04she's so good at it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05I can do it for about four days
0:08:05 > 0:08:07but then I start talking like an arsehole.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09If I've got my kids for more than four days,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12you will see me down at the local park just going,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"Darren, Darren, Darren!
0:08:14 > 0:08:15"Darren! Darren!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"Darren, Darren, Darren!
0:08:18 > 0:08:19"Darren! Darren!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23"Darren! Darren! DARREN!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27"Let your brother drink some of the Diet Coke!"
0:08:27 > 0:08:30And we've got two girls, so I don't even know who Darren is.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36It is tough times.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Single parents, I genuinely believe you're absolute heroes.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Gay people, I'm not sure they should be allowed to adopt children.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Now... SCATTERED GASPS
0:08:44 > 0:08:45I'm kidding!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48It's a joke!
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I'm not saying that in case you're offended.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53You'll work out soon that I am kidding and you will be fine.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54I say that in case you agree with me,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56and no-one needs that in a room.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Let me explain, because I've got a prosthetic foot.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01That prosthetic foot throws my knees out,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03throws my hips out, it throws my spine out.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05It means, basically, I have physio once a week.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07What I'm trying to say is, if you've got one leg,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09you will end up with a bad back.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11That's just the way of the world - one leg, bad back.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That's why pirates used to go, "Arrrgh!"
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Honestly, two-legged pirates spoke normally.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22IN PLUMMY VOICE: "I say, Nigel, shall we go looting today?"
0:09:22 > 0:09:23"What a fabulous idea."
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"Oh, look, here comes One-Legged Barry."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27IN PIRATE VOICE: "Argh, me back! Jesus!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"If only there was some exercise I could do,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31"some Pilates of the Caribbean."
0:09:35 > 0:09:37So - thank you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Now, my physio's name is Josh. Not Josh Widdicombe,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43that would be a weird physio.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46AS JOSH WIDDICOMBE: "I'm in Pret-a-Manger!"
0:09:46 > 0:09:48APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I have an Australian physio and his name is Josh and Josh is gay.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Now, Josh and his husband have got three girls
0:09:56 > 0:09:57the same age as my girls,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59so we talk and we have discussions about parenting
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and about all sorts of stuff.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04After a while, I felt comfortable enough that I could say to Josh,
0:10:04 > 0:10:05"I've got to ask you a question,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"please don't think this is offensive, but...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"Who's in charge?" He said, "What do you mean?"
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I said, "Well, when it's two dads, who's in charge?"
0:10:12 > 0:10:13"Neither of us are in charge.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I said, "Who looks after the kids the majority of the time?"
0:10:16 > 0:10:17He said, "Neither, we split it 50-50."
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I went, "Yeah, but who has final say?"
0:10:19 > 0:10:20He said, "Neither of us have final say."
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I said, "How do you settle arguments over what is right for the kids?"
0:10:23 > 0:10:24He said, "Simple - if my husband and I
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"disagree on what right for the children, here's what we do.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28"We both sit down over the dinner table,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"he puts forward his opinion, I put forward my opinion,
0:10:31 > 0:10:32"we have a rational discussion,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"we come to a mutually agreed solution,
0:10:34 > 0:10:35"and that's how we move forward."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40That is not natural.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I'm sorry. I don't know if you know.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Have you got kids? You know how it works, then, ma'am.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47You put forward your opinion, he puts forward his opinion,
0:10:47 > 0:10:48then you discount his opinion
0:10:48 > 0:10:51cos he didn't squeeze a child OUT OF HIS VAGINA!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I mean, sorry, it is the most amazing thing
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I've ever seen my wife do, and she has done some amazing shit,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04but I'm allowed to have an opinion occasionally, aren't I?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Why doesn't anyone tell you that?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Cos I read all the books.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I read Baby Love, I read The Baby Whisperer,
0:11:10 > 0:11:11I read the Shawshank Baby...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Don't put a poster on their wall, you'll never see them.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I read all the books.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Not one of them said, "Just shut up, mate, just shut up!"
0:11:20 > 0:11:23So I would try and give opinions. I'd walk in and look at my wife,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and go, "You know what I think we should do for the girls?"
0:11:25 > 0:11:26She'd look at me like,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Oh, you are going to finish that sentence, are you?"
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Then I'd falter, my voice would go...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33VOICE WOBBLING: "I just thought, maybe the right thing to do..."
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Then she'd stare me down and I'd go, "No, you're right, honey.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"Rub cocaine on their gums, that'll put them to sleep.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39"I don't know what I was thinking."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, my God! I was not ready to not be in charge of something.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Here's the worst thing, though -
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I said all this to my physio while he's working on me, and he paused
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and he said, "Do you know what I think you should do?"
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"What?" He said, "You should do with your wife
0:11:52 > 0:11:53"what I do with my husband."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"I'm not entirely sure she'd be up for that, Josh."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06He said, "No, no, here's what I do with my husband.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"I keep a list of all the things he says we should do for the girls,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"and then he does the opposite.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11"I write them down in a list.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"I call it Steven's Double Standard List.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19"Every Sunday night, I read them out to him over the dinner table.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"You should do that with your wife."
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Are you kidding me?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Oskar Schindler wouldn't make that list!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35And, look, I love my wife, she is absolutely amazing.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38She's brilliant, she is absolutely amazing,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40but she came and saw me talk about this one night and she said,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"Why are you saying all that on stage?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:45And my honest response was, "Cos I need to tell someone!"
0:12:48 > 0:12:50All right, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Are you ready for your first act of the show?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54WHOOPING Such an amazing show.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I'm so excited to see this first act on stage.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival this year
0:13:00 > 0:13:02and I heard that this woman was the person to go see at Montreal,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04but my show was on at the same time as her.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Then I had one night at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I tried to buy a ticket to her show and it was genuinely sold out.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12This is my first chance I've ever got to see her as well.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Would you please welcome to the stage,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16all the way from the United States of America,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Michelle Wolf!
0:13:18 > 0:13:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:30 > 0:13:34I've never had an entrance make me feel like a magician before.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I am very excited to be here in London.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40This is exciting for me.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I was kind of embarrassed about what was happening back home in America,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46and then I saw what was happening here and I was like, "Hey,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"you guys are falling apart too!"
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I really, I truly feel bad for Hillary Clinton
0:13:54 > 0:13:56because no-one likes her.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Like, I voted for her, but I don't like her.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Like, if she came up to talk to me at a party, I'd be like,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06"I'm sorry, I have to go to the bathroom."
0:14:06 > 0:14:08And then if she tried to talk to me in the bathroom, I'd be like,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"I'm sorry, I have to use the men's room.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14"I just made a life choice."
0:14:15 > 0:14:18But you shouldn't like Hillary.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21She is a bitch. You have to be a bitch to be that powerful.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24We're never going to have a nice lady run for president.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25You guys had Margaret Thatcher.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You didn't call her the Nice Lady.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You called the Iron Lady.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I don't think that's a word you'd use to describe someone
0:14:34 > 0:14:35that's fun to hang out with.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38We're never going to have a nice lady,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40we're never going to have a woman that's like,
0:14:40 > 0:14:42"Um, I'd like to be president...
0:14:42 > 0:14:46"I was a sociology major,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"and I was in a sorority.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50"And I love brunch.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55"You can check out my policies on my Pinterest page."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00People say you can't make fun of what she wears
0:15:00 > 0:15:01because she's a woman.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I think you can because it's fun to do.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Why are her jackets so big?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10If any male candidate dressed like her, we would be like,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Why are you dressing like Kim Jong-Un?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Be a shape.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Why are your jackets so big? What are you hiding under there?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Is that where all of your e-mails are?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31But that's the thing,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34we are supposed to care so much about our bodies as women, you know?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36There are even campaigns that we should love our bodies
0:15:36 > 0:15:38and be confident in our bodies.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Or...we could just stop caring about it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Because you know who doesn't care about their bodies?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Men.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49You know what men are? Successful.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Men are presidents, men are CEOs.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52You've never heard a CEO go,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"I want to get profits up, keep costs down,
0:15:55 > 0:15:56"and love me for me."
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"3pm, we're going to have a meeting about how I can accept the fact
0:16:02 > 0:16:05"that I have my mother's thighs."
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Do you know who should care about their bodies?
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Men! You have weird bodies, men. You're gross.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Your balls are gross.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17I've seen anyone go like,
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"Oh, I can't wait to get his pants off
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"and see that weird bag of stuff between his legs."
0:16:23 > 0:16:24What is it?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It's like when you go to a haunted house
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and you stick your hand in a jar - you're like, "Please be grapes".
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Balls seem like a real God whoopsie.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Like when you're putting together furniture
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and you've got a couple of leftover screws,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42and you're like, "Well, those were supposed to go somewhere.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44"I guess I'll hang them from a satchel."
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Even the name sounds like a mistake.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"What are you going to call them?" "Scrotum." "OK."
0:16:52 > 0:16:55This is how you know that God didn't care about balls at all.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Everything else important, he covered in bone.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Balls, he was like, "Let 'em fly!"
0:17:02 > 0:17:06You are so lucky we get our faces near them.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08If a woman puts your balls in her mouth,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10you should pay her a lot of money.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14And not in like a prostitute way,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18in like a "I don't know how else to say thank you.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"This is a very nice thing you just did to me.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"And you didn't get any pleasure out of it."
0:17:24 > 0:17:26There's not a single woman that's like,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"That's what does it for me."
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"You are more of a saint than Mother Teresa for that."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33There's no way she ever did it.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39I get one wrinkle, my career is over.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I have to put paint on my face just to leave my home.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And you guys get to walk around
0:17:44 > 0:17:46with those wrinkly, dangling bags of crap.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51You should have to put make-up on them!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Or at the very least, googly eyes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I don't know if it'd be better or worse, but it'd be fun.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01He's happy, he's sad, he lost his boner.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I don't know how we ever let you guys get away
0:18:04 > 0:18:06with calling our boobs saggy.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Your balls are saggy.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10You should wear a bra.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14And you make it fancy.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16CHEERING
0:18:21 > 0:18:24All those women clapping, they meant yours.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I don't know, I think women, we have weird priorities.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32We care so much about our wedding.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35We'll even say things - "I want to be a princess on my wedding day.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36"I'm going to be a princess.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41"I'm a grown adult woman who would like to be a princess."
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I'm like, "All right, you want to be a princess?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"Then I'm going to make you marry a man you've never met
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"in order to secure a French alliance.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"And guess what, princess? He's not going to love you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"Your parents wished you were a boy.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"Happy wedding day, princess."
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And we'll say things like, "It's my day, it's my special day."
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I don't think you can call it your day if your dad is paying for it.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I think it's his day, and I think it's a really weird day for him.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I think he's paying a tonne of money
0:19:15 > 0:19:17to make sure a man has sex with you that night.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I think he's literally walking you down the aisle going,
0:19:22 > 0:19:23"Here, you fuck her."
0:19:30 > 0:19:34And, married couples, you don't sell it very well, you know?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You hear a lot of married couples complain.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I think you hear more men complain about it than women,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41but, men, you've got weird complaints about marriage.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Your say things like, "She won't let me keep my shirts."
0:19:44 > 0:19:48And it's like, "Well, just hold them up here!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"You're taller than her."
0:19:50 > 0:19:51And if you're not taller than her,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53you're not complaining about anything,
0:19:53 > 0:19:54you're just happy to be there.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00We should date shorter guys more often, they're really nice.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02The only problem is a lot of times when you go for walks,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06you have to be like, "All right, speed up, little buddy.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07"Move those little guys."
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I'll tell you a tiny secret.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14The real reason I want Hillary Clinton to be president
0:20:14 > 0:20:18is because I want Bill Clinton to be the first gentleman.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Mostly because the spouse of the president
0:20:20 > 0:20:24is the one who sometimes gives tours of the White House,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28and I would love to see Bill be like, "These are our drapes.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"As you can see, they are navy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"But if you shine a black light on them, boy, do they glow!"
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, man.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46"If these walls could talk,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49"that means they'd have mouths and I'd put my penis in them."
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Every time he bit his lip from behind a podium,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I thought he was trying to get rid of a boner.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Like...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03"Hillary, Hillary, Hillary."
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Michelle Wolf!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Ladies and gentlemen, how good was Michelle Wolf?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21CHEERING
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act of the night?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29He is one of Britain's best up-and-coming comedians.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33He is the award-winning Jamali Maddix!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:42What's up?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Yes! All right, yes, yes.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Shit's about to get real, son.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Right, OK.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50How is everyone doing?
0:21:50 > 0:21:51WHOOPING
0:21:51 > 0:21:52I'm happy to be here, man.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54This is cool, man. This is fancy!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57This is fancy. So fancy, I even ironed my T-shirt,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59that's how you know it's fancy.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I'm trying to be more fancy now.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03That's my thing, I'm trying to be more fancy,
0:22:03 > 0:22:04so I started wearing glasses.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I'm like, "Boom," face fancy now since I started wearing glasses.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12My mum actually said to me that with these glasses and beard combination,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14that I looked like a guy in prison
0:22:14 > 0:22:15who reads.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Yeah? "I'm just trying to do my time, bro, you know?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22"Waiting for that parole meeting."
0:22:22 > 0:22:25What are we going to talk about? Let's keep it light-hearted.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Let's talk about race relations. - LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I know... I can see you're uncomfortable.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I don't want to talk about it either, but I have to, OK?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34I have to. OK?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Cos race is awkward, OK?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38I know it, race makes me awkward too.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Look, man, look, I ain't proud of this, OK,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45but what is racism if I can't say it in a room full of white people?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Check it out, right. I'm doing this gig the other day, right.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It's an all-white audience,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53and I start doing a routine about how people think
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I look like a terrorist, right?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Cos you know I have a beard, people are pricks, right?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01So I'm doing the routine and people started getting upset at me, right?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03So I carry on, cos I'm no quitter, right?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05So I just carry on doing the routine,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09and one woman stands up and says, "Just get over it!"
0:23:09 > 0:23:11And I go, "What the hell?!"
0:23:11 > 0:23:12I get pissed off.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15You know, I start talking about white privilege,
0:23:15 > 0:23:19and how she don't understand what it's like for people
0:23:19 > 0:23:20to think that you are a terrorist.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Then halfway through the rant,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I realised I was in Northern Ireland.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Yeah, I messed up. Know what I'm saying, man?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I forgot there were different types of white people,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I'm not going to lie to you.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I should have saved my race card for later.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40You know what I'm saying? I forgot about that rare white man struggle.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43My family are crazy, man.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46There's one guy I like in my family, though, one guy I love to bits.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48He's my grandad. He's a cool guy.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50He's old as shit, nearly dead, he's like 70.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Old. Old, man.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I love him, right.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Because he was like a train driver for 50 years, right?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Never took a day off, we don't do that, right?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Still wears a union badge.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02"I'm going to go on strike, Jamali."
0:24:02 > 0:24:05"Strike on what? The gardening? Go shut up."
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I swear to God, he was such a socialist
0:24:07 > 0:24:09that he still wakes up in the middle of the night
0:24:09 > 0:24:11angry at Margaret Thatcher.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12That's how deep it is.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17"She stole the milk, Jamali, she stole the milk."
0:24:17 > 0:24:18It's weird how your family
0:24:18 > 0:24:20can influence your ideas and your decisions.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's weird, right? Cos looking at my grandad, right,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27it kind of made me happy politically that we left the EU.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Relax, you hippies. I voted Remain.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I want to put it out there before you lynch me, right.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33I voted Remain! I did, right.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36But there's only one reason I'm happy we left the EU, right.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Because I've been saying this thing for a long time,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41and everyone thought I was an arsehole for saying it,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44but now that we've left, I think we can all agree one thing, right?
0:24:44 > 0:24:51I think we can all agree that we need to stop old people voting.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- And now listen... - WHOOPING
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Listen! No!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00When I say old people, I do not mean a crazy age.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I think the voting age should be 17 to 50.
0:25:04 > 0:25:0651 if you are not a prick.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Like, I think that's a good age. I can see some old...
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Look at Old School right there. He's hating it right now.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12He's like, "I want to vote."
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Listen, are you looking for a mortgage?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17No. So why are you still voting?!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- You don't understand! - CHEERING
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Why should you decide if we do poppers?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29When was the last time you had a party?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31But I like getting older. Don't we like getting older, Old School?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33We love it, don't we? We love getting older
0:25:33 > 0:25:36cos as you get older, you start to accept stuff about yourself.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You do, you have to.
0:25:38 > 0:25:44Like, it took me 25 years to realise that this is my face.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47This ain't getting any better, man. Cos when I was younger,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I always wanted to be better-looking, you know?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I didn't mean crazy good-looking,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I just wanted to be good-looking enough to cheat, right?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No, hear me out. I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I love my girlfriend.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Sometimes, OK?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I need something to say in the argument
0:26:05 > 0:26:07that sounds believable once in a while.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Look, I have Tinder,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12and my girlfriend knows I have Tinder,
0:26:12 > 0:26:13and doesn't even care.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16She doesn't care! She's like, "Good luck!"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18You know?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20She doesn't respect my facial abilities.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24And Tinder is disgusting, but amazing at the same time.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I love it, I hate it, I don't know.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29I don't know. Tinder is great.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32What I love about Tinder is it will make you realise
0:26:32 > 0:26:34some social stuff about people, you know?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Like, I was on Tinder the other day and I'm flicking through the profiles
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- cos I'm a scumbag. - HE CLICKS TONGUE
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I start flicking through the profiles
0:26:41 > 0:26:42and I see one profile, right,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46and every picture was just a lady with her titties out.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47- Just... - HE MAKES POPPING SOUND
0:26:47 > 0:26:49That's what titties sound like in my head, cos I'm 12 -
0:26:49 > 0:26:51deal with it, what are you going to do?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- She has her titties out... - POPPING
0:26:53 > 0:26:57..and in the description, it just said, "Any dick, any time."
0:26:57 > 0:26:58And I was like, "Wow!
0:26:58 > 0:27:03"All right, you know your market, I like it," right?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04I showed my girlfriend the profile.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08My girlfriend looks at the profile and goes, "Oh, my God!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10"What a whore!"
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I said, "What, babe? No.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14"There is too much slut-shaming in this world.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17"She is no ho, she is a revolutionary."
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Confusing, right?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'll explain to you why. You've got to understand,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24everything in this world has a price.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Everyone and everything has a price.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29In this world, where everything has a price,
0:27:29 > 0:27:33the price of vagina is very high, OK?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Listen, if it was on the stock market,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37it would be oil and gold, right?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39But, listen, I ain't just giving women no number.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Men, we have a number as well.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44But we got dick, and dick ain't worth shit.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47You know what I'm saying? You can't just have dick,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49you got to back that up with some collateral, you know?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51You got to have a dick and a personality.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Dick and a job. Dick and a life plan, right?
0:27:53 > 0:27:58Listen, I could have a warehouse full of penis
0:27:58 > 0:28:01and it wouldn't be worth as much as a picture of a pussy, right?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05But, when she said "Any dick, any time,"
0:28:05 > 0:28:07she just crashed the whole pussy economy.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Know what I'm saying? She made the credit crunch of vagina.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14She gave vagina back to the working-class man.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19She is the Karl Marx of pussy is what I'm trying to say, guys.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Anyway, my name has been Jamali
0:28:26 > 0:28:28and this has honestly been one of the favourite times in my life.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Ladies and gentlemen, Jamali Maddix!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40CHEERING
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have tonight for you.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Would you please thank Michelle Wolf and Jamali Maddix?
0:28:46 > 0:28:47CHEERING
0:28:47 > 0:28:50My name's Adam Hills, thank you and goodnight!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53CHEERING