0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Frankie Boyle.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Hello!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42CHEERING
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I've been quite busy letting myself go.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I decided to stop caring about my appearance when I realised
0:00:49 > 0:00:52that the reason that women weren't having sex with me
0:00:52 > 0:00:54was because of my personality.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I'm quite out of shape at the moment.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01At the moment, when I'm lying down and I get an erection,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04it sort of looks like a motorcyclist emerging over the brow of a hill.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I don't think women mind. Women don't mind heavier guys.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I think women look at me and think,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16"He would go down on me like a parched spaniel."
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I have a theory.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I have a theory that masturbation is a kind of summoning spell
0:01:28 > 0:01:31for your own rational mind.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Cos we're all so driven by hormones and by desire,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37sometimes you've got to have a wank to speak to your real self.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40You have a wank and you go,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43"Oh, I should've shagged my ex one last time. I'll text her.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45"I'll text her. I'll meet her, I'll shag her."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And then you come and a little voice comes on in your head that goes,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Yeah, don't do that, mate."
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You've got to be careful with jokes, haven't you?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Cos not everybody's got a sense of humour.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02I can remember when I first realised
0:02:02 > 0:02:05not everybody's got a sense of humour. I was 13.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I was at school and we were doing a class on stereotypes.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10The teacher was a really good guy.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12He was just talking about how stupid stereotypes are
0:02:12 > 0:02:14and he was talking about a stereotype that day
0:02:14 > 0:02:18that's so old-fashioned and so Scottish
0:02:18 > 0:02:21that you definitely won't have heard it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Have you ever heard the stereotype that deaf people are really strong?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30That was a genuine thing when I was growing up.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Deaf people, particularly deaf and dumb people,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36were believed to be really strong.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And the teacher said, "Think how stupid that is.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40"Have you ever seen a deaf contender
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"for the Heavyweight Championship of the World?"
0:02:43 > 0:02:47And me, aged 13, I put my hand up and I went, "There was one, sir,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"but he was disqualified for punching after the bell."
0:02:53 > 0:02:54And nobody laughed.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00And I knew right then that life was going to feel pretty long.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05You've got to have a bit of leeway with jokes, haven't you?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I can't write jokes for the average person, can I?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11The average person is Chinese.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25HE LAUGHS
0:03:27 > 0:03:30We had the Queen's 90th birthday this year.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33We had a street party round my way with jelly and ice cream.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Nothing to do with the Queen.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36We were just trying to flush out a local paedophile.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42The Queen has two birthdays a year,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45one each for her human and lizard forms.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Don't get me wrong, I want the Queen to live a long life,
0:03:50 > 0:03:51cos the longer she lives,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54the more days we get off on holiday when she dies.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58At the moment, she's a long weekend.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59God bless her.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02If she makes it to 100, we're going to get a week off.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Some people don't like the Queen.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07There was a thing a couple of years ago...
0:04:07 > 0:04:09There's a fund of money for very poor people
0:04:09 > 0:04:12to heat their homes in an emergency.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15And the Royal household tried to get hold of that money
0:04:15 > 0:04:16to heat Buckingham Palace.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Heat Buckingham Palace!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20We don't want her dying in winter.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23A week off in winter is no good to anybody.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27We want her to go at the height of summer
0:04:27 > 0:04:30where we can turn it into three weeks in Tenerife.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"It's the funeral today, boys. Black armbands on the flumes."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I honestly think that the Government are saving the Queen's death
0:04:41 > 0:04:44for when they need a really big distraction.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Theresa May'll go round there one week,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49pull the pillow out of her briefcase and go, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"I'm afraid that Isis have just landed in Cornwall."
0:04:54 > 0:04:56So we had Brexit.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59People are saying after Brexit
0:04:59 > 0:05:01that British people don't trust experts any more.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I don't think that's the problem.
0:05:03 > 0:05:09I think the problem is that British people have strong opinions
0:05:09 > 0:05:11based on nothing at all.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Strong opinions... APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:20CHEERING
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Strong opinions on very little information.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Because we're a decadent society.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32It's exactly the same thing that happened to the ancient Romans
0:05:32 > 0:05:34probably. I've never really bothered to find out.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I enjoyed voting in Brexit.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Not for the sake of democracy.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43It's just rare for me to be allowed into a Scout hall unchallenged.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47So we elected Theresa May.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49We didn't even elect her! She just wandered in there
0:05:49 > 0:05:53like she'd stepped out of a haunted mirror.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54"Hello!"
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Theresa May looks like she's entirely made out of bones,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02doesn't she?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04She looks like she's made out of the bones that they forgot
0:06:04 > 0:06:06to put into Boris Johnson.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12He's the Foreign Secretary!
0:06:12 > 0:06:17A cross between a head injury and an unmade bed.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's not just that he's the worst person for the job,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21he might be the worst mammal.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28There was a lot of racism post-Brexit.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I think British people just get immigrants to do the jobs
0:06:31 > 0:06:34that they can't face doing themselves,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36which is why Nigel Farage has a German wife.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:46 > 0:06:50My favourite Farage thing was when he dodged the question
0:06:50 > 0:06:54of whether he thought Idris Elba should be the next James Bond.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And I think Idris Elba would be a great James Bond
0:06:56 > 0:07:00cos I want to see a Bond movie where the pre-credits sequence
0:07:00 > 0:07:03is just a black guy trying to drive an Aston Martin
0:07:03 > 0:07:04through central London.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"Someone seems to be shooting at us, Bond."
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"I think it's the Met."
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I don't want to sound like I'm too down on racists here.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Some of my best friends are racists.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Although, to be fair, they're black and they've got a point.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31There's a kind of anti-refugee racism in the air,
0:07:31 > 0:07:32especially in the summer.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36You know, you'd read about some guy rowing over here in a sink.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38And people would be going, "Oh, send him back."
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Don't send him back, there was an Olympics coming up!
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Get him involved!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48There's this element to anti-refugee racism.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53People say, "Oh, Isis are sending agents disguised as refugees.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57"Isis are infiltrating Britain as refugees."
0:07:57 > 0:07:58That's not happening.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And I can prove that it's not happening.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Cos Isis recruit people from here to go and fight in Syria,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08to go and fight in Iraq.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Why would they be sending anyone?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Do you think someone's phoning up Isis tomorrow going,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "All right, mate?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17"I could nip down to London tomorrow and do a bit of terrorism.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"Are you up for it?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"No, you come here!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"Ahmed will do the terrorism!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26"Ahmed is currently clinging to a mattress
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"in the middle of the Mediterranean.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32"Ahmed will do the terrorism."
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"It's no bother, mate. I can get a day return on the Megabus."
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"No! You come here,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"through several strict border and security checks.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46"Ahmed will do the terrorism.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51"Ahmed is currently on a raft made out of old 7 Up bottles.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55"He's fighting off sharks with a Vileda SuperMop.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59"Ahmed is our top agent and it's vital that he spends
0:08:59 > 0:09:03"the next five years in a refugee camp,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07"living out a real-life version of The Hunger Games,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"where the first prize is a sandwich."
0:09:13 > 0:09:18I should point out - Americans do need to worry about refugees.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Americans do need to worry.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Cos a refugee in America might get involved in a mass shooting,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25just to try and fit in.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I honestly think there'll be peace in the Middle East
0:09:33 > 0:09:35once the oil runs out.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Although, knowing their luck, someone will invent a replacement
0:09:37 > 0:09:41that involves mixing sand with falafel.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48My family, for generations before me, they were sheep farmers.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Shepherds, really.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51And I kind of think I'm a bit like that.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I like being on my own, like walks,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57and I make my living controlling large crowds of stupid animals.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Do you know the job I would've liked to have?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I would've liked to have worked on a bin lorry.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06That's the one job where you can really shout your head off
0:10:06 > 0:10:08all day long.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10SHOUTING: "Is that a bin over there?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"Bring it over here, put it in the bin lorry.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14"There's another bin.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18"I'll get it. I'll bring it up to the bin lorry.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21"I'll drive the bin lorry forward a bit.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24"You get the bins."
0:10:24 > 0:10:28They could do that job in complete silence, couldn't they?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Just have a wee meeting at the start of the shift every day.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"OK, let's agree that when we're out there today,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"we're going to pick up all the bins.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39"Put them in the bin lorry."
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I'd have liked to be a doctor.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48I think that a sense of humour goes a long way as a doctor.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50"What do you mean, you want a second opinion?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"You've already had one. He said it was Alzheimer's as well."
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I don't like celebrity atheists.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I don't trust them. I am an atheist.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I was a very bad Catholic,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08unless you include my attitude to condoms,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12in which case I was an absolutely amazing Catholic.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Cos religions have done good things.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Liberation theology in Central America,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24those people all got killed.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27They got killed for standing up for poor people.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28And what's the reward?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist
0:11:35 > 0:11:39when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I was walking down the street today and I saw a homeless guy.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I went to give him some money and I realised I only had a £20 note.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56I thought, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
0:11:56 > 0:11:57And I decided that I didn't,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59so I gave it to the homeless guy.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03This only happens to me in London.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You get people who go, "Don't give them money!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07"They just spend it on beer and fags."
0:12:07 > 0:12:11I'd always assumed that they were spending it on beer and fags.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I've never given money to a homeless guy and thought,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"I hope he's putting that into his ISA."
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I don't trust the super-rich.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Do you know that there are now hotels for the super-rich that
0:12:25 > 0:12:30are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32that's actually a codeword?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34That's a code for a prostitute.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Imagine that. You phone down,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38you ask for an extra pillow,
0:12:38 > 0:12:39and a prostitute turns up.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Now you've got two prostitutes.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48And only one pillow to smother them with.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56are you ready for your first act of the evening?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58CHEERING
0:12:58 > 0:13:00She's one of our best sitcom writers.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02She's also one of our best comedians.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Give it up and show a lot of love to Holly Walsh!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07CHEERING
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Oh, my gosh!
0:13:20 > 0:13:21So much attention!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23CHEERING
0:13:23 > 0:13:24This is unbelievable.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I don't think you understand. In real life, I am so easily ignored.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I was in a minicab the other day and the driver pulled over
0:13:32 > 0:13:35to pick up another fare cos he forgot I was in the back.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I'm so socially awkward, I was like, "I don't know what to say!"
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Anyway, long story short,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44it was quite a nice walk back from Heathrow.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47So this is nice to be in a theatre. You guys fans of theatres?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- SLIGHT CHEERING - I love going to theatre, I love it!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I tell you what I don't like - plays.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Not in it for the plays.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I love curtain calls.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Combine my three favourite things.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Clapping, bowing,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and pointing smugly at corners of the room.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Love it!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11What an awesome way to finish work, with a curtain call.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I don't think it should just be actors who get that.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I think everyone deserves a curtain call when they finish work.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Like the guy who delivers your pizza, you're like,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Thanks a lot, mate." Take it off him, shut the door. Bing-bong.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You're like, "Thank you." Shut the door again. Bing-bong.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28There he is again, this time holding hands
0:14:28 > 0:14:31with the entire cast of Domino's Lewisham.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I'm a mum. I just had a baby. I like him.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41- SLIGHT CHEERING - Thank you. Woo!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Yeah, go me and my ovaries. Cool.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I have a little baby. I like him. I like the baby.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I did not like being pregnant. It was not fun being pregnant.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I was so confused.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Even the words they use.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57You know, like people say, "Oh, you fall pregnant."
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"She fell pregnant." I didn't fall pregnant.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I was facedown on a futon when it happened.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Like, I couldn't have fallen. I was already down.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10People are like, "Did you use protection?"
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Well, I had a crash mat, if that's what you mean.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Cos that is such a personal question to ask someone,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"When are you going to have kids, then, eh?"
0:15:17 > 0:15:19All my mum's friends. "When are you going to have kids?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21"When are you going to have kids?" So personal.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Whenever they ask me that, I like to turn the tables.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I was like, "I don't know. When are you going into a home?"
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37But I swear I knew nothing about sex as a teenager.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I think the closest I came to having sex at that time
0:15:39 > 0:15:41was when I was doing lengths in the local pool
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and a man accidentally butterflied over me.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I mean, I lost my virginity so late in the end
0:15:50 > 0:15:53that when it finally happened I wasn't so much deflowered
0:15:53 > 0:15:54as dead-headed.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01But I wish I was sexually confident, like, in my 20s.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Love to be like that. Love to have been a player.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07You know what I'm talking about? Strippers. That's...
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Weirdly, I kind of admire strippers. I would love to be like a stripper.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I would love to just be able to stand on stage and own it.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Like, know I was sexy.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18That would be awesome, you know?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I would be the world's worst lap-dancer.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I could not sit on a man's knee and not want to make giddy-up noises.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28And strip-joints, they're designed to be alluring.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I challenge anyone in this room, even if you agree with them or not,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32to walk past a strip-joint and a bit of you is not like,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35"Oh, my God, what's happening?" Because they've got, like,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37the blacked-out windows and the bouncers on the door.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39There's always a bit of you that's like, "Oh, my God,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"what are they doing in there?"
0:16:41 > 0:16:44And it's exactly the same feeling as when I was a kid
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and I used to walk past the school staffroom.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49You'd walk past it and you'd be like,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"Oh, man, what is happening in there?"
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I mean, it turns out, both are full of adults
0:16:53 > 0:16:56whose lives didn't work out as planned.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01The thing I find the weirdest about strip-joints,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03if you've ever been to one, everywhere you go,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06all these big signs, "Do not touch the women.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"Please do not touch the ladies."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11The strippers always say, "The fact that the men can't touch us,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"that's what makes our job really empowering."
0:17:13 > 0:17:16And I always think, "Well, that's not really empowering, is it?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"Cos that's the same rule in every other workplace in the country."
0:17:26 > 0:17:28You don't walk in a shop and it says, "Welcome to Tesco's.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30"Don't finger the staff."
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I am a terrible flirt.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41And not like, "Oh, she's a terrible flirt," but more like,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"Did she just mention ringworm?" sort of flirt.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Like, I didn't even realise I was going out with my husband
0:17:47 > 0:17:49for the first, like, year.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I thought we were just friends with benefits.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54The benefits in question being Orange Wednesdays.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I get very worried about offending people.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I get so paranoid about saying the wrong thing, honestly.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Like, a few months ago, like...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Basically, it was my first night out since the baby was born
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and I had a couple of real ales. I had a glass of white wine,
0:18:09 > 0:18:10which is never a good idea.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Honestly, I've never once drank white wine and not used the phrase,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"Why don't you just dump me, then?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:21We were a bit... We were a bit tipsy. We'd had a couple.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24And halfway through the evening, my friend was like,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"Oh, my God. I've just worked out who you look like," to me and I go,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31"Who?" And he goes, "You look like a young Mary Berry."
0:18:34 > 0:18:38I was like, "Fine. She's a good GILF. OK, yeah. Fine."
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Now, the thing is my friend looks just like Denzel Washington.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Like, identical to Denzel Washington.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46I was just about to tell him
0:18:46 > 0:18:48when my stupid white middle-class brain said,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"You cannot tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"You can't do that because he's going to think you're only saying
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Denzel Washington because they're both black
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"and just like the Oscars, you can't think of many black actors.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00"That's what he's going to think.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"He's going to think you're a massive racist.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"Do you want that? Huh?"
0:19:04 > 0:19:06And then my brain went, "Yeah,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"but if you don't tell your friend he looks like Denzel Washington,"
0:19:09 > 0:19:12and by the way he does look a lot like Denzel Washington,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14just the same as I look like Mary Berry,
0:19:14 > 0:19:15and that's not racist to compare us.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Like, just like they do look similar,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19"If you don't tell him he looks like Denzel Washington,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21"then you're treating your friend differently
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"because of the colour of his skin
0:19:23 > 0:19:25"and that does make you a massive racist."
0:19:27 > 0:19:31And I was like, "Besides, Denzel Washington is super hot."
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Like, I remember, as a teenager,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I watched Pelican Brief for the first time,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I had a very vivid sex-dream that Denzel butterflied over me.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45So I said to my friend, because I thought in my head,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"Cos I'm not a racist,
0:19:47 > 0:19:48"I'm just going to tell him he looks like Denzel."
0:19:48 > 0:19:50So I said, "Wow. Well,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52"I've always thought you looked like Denzel Washington."
0:19:52 > 0:19:56My friend then looked at me like a little bit confused and he went,
0:19:56 > 0:19:57"That's so weird
0:19:57 > 0:20:01"cos a lot of people say I look like Laurence Fishburne."
0:20:01 > 0:20:04And I was like, "Oh, that's who I meant.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Of course, it's the guy out of Fresh Prince. I am such a dick.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Anyway, you have been absolutely lovely.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Thank you so much. Goodnight!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Holly Walsh, ladies and gentlemen! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Are you ready for your second act of the evening?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37CHEERING
0:20:37 > 0:20:39He's a very funny guy and a good friend of mine.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I just want you to show him a lot of love.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Please give it up for Mr Jack Carroll!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46APPLAUSE
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Hello, Live At The Apollo!
0:21:07 > 0:21:08CHEERING
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Wow.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15I can see a few of you in the audience are struggling to place me.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"Was he on the Paralympics?" No, that's not me.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23"Was he on Undateables, is it?" It's not...
0:21:25 > 0:21:26It's not me.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29"Does he present Bake Off?"
0:21:32 > 0:21:34APPLAUSE
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's not me.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I was actually a contestant on Britain's Got Talent.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45A few of you have twigged.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I was that dog, so...
0:21:49 > 0:21:50It's lovely to be here.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53My mum calls me her little Superman.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54I was over the moon,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57until I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It is lovely to be out of the house, London,
0:22:02 > 0:22:03cos I don't know about you,
0:22:03 > 0:22:07but my family are glued to that black box in the corner of the room.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I mean, my grandma's been dead for months now.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16All joking aside, we do watch quite a lot of telly in our house.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I was watching an episode of daytime cookery show
0:22:19 > 0:22:22The Hairy Bikers recently,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26where the Hairy Bikers walked around Auschwitz
0:22:26 > 0:22:28and then made a goulash.
0:22:32 > 0:22:39Now, let's just examine that for a second.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45Who, after walking round Auschwitz and having their eyes opened
0:22:45 > 0:22:49to the full extent of human depravity, goes,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"Well, I'm a bit peckish.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"I fancy a goulash."
0:22:55 > 0:22:58What's next? Cash In The Attic at the Anne Frank Museum?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I, erm... I've recently started swimming again.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08And I love the swimming pool because in there
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I can do my two favourite things,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12urinate in public and drown people.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20My swimming stroke would best be described as how you might look
0:23:20 > 0:23:23if you dropped a toaster in the bath.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29The one... The one positive to
0:23:29 > 0:23:31having such an eclectic swimming stroke
0:23:31 > 0:23:35is that you have to command your lane in the swimming pool.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36You can't take any prisoners.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41And because my swimming stroke is so lethal, it's fantastic for that.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45I mean, I've knocked out four old women this week.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47And that's just on land.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I also recently went skiing.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It takes a couple of seconds to compute that sentence
0:23:57 > 0:24:00in relation to this thing, don't it?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01I can see a few of you thinking,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03"Can Northerners go skiing?"
0:24:05 > 0:24:08APPLAUSE
0:24:12 > 0:24:13We can.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Although my skiing instructor had much the same reaction as you guys
0:24:17 > 0:24:21when I rocked up in the frame. He was like, "What, you?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"Really? Does he know he's disabled?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"Has anyone...
0:24:26 > 0:24:27"sat him down and told him?"
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"Well, they're not going to stand him up, are they?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"That would be counter-productive."
0:24:33 > 0:24:37But I did. I skied, stood up, successfully.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41And most people, if they were in my situation and that happened to them,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43would think, as the wind was flowing through their hair
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and the snow was crunching underneath their feet,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49they would think, "What a fantastic achievement that is,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51"against all the odds."
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I thought, "Oh, shit. I'm going to lose some benefits."
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I just had to just throw myself over...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04..in case the Government were watching.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Better safe than sorry.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11It's lovely to be here. In my time in London,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I have actually picked up a few London phrases
0:25:14 > 0:25:18that seem to act as kryptonite to Northerners such as myself.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19I'm going to reel a few of these off now.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23London phrases that act as kryptonite to Northerners.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Number one -
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"What's a Greggs?"
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Number two -
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"£5 is actually pretty reasonable for a pint."
0:25:39 > 0:25:43APPLAUSE
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Number three -
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"Siri understands every word I sa-ay."
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Number four -
0:25:53 > 0:25:56"Actually, it's not OK to hit your kids."
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Bloody Londoners and your new-fangled attitudes
0:26:00 > 0:26:02towards parenting. What are you like?
0:26:03 > 0:26:09I, erm... I was in London recently and, on a side note,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12if you're trying to get a taxi in central London,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15maybe don't use a walking frame?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I was trying to hail a cab in central London the other day
0:26:18 > 0:26:20and all the taxis just turned their lights off in a big row.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27It felt like being the Yorkshire Ripper on an episode of Take Me Out.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Well, I am going to go in just a second.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34But before I do, I would very much...
0:26:34 > 0:26:35You seem like a lovely crowd
0:26:35 > 0:26:38and I would very much like to try something with you.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Is that something you might be up for?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- CHEERING - Lovely.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45You've agreed to it now, that's a verbal contract so...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47A little bit of background.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49In my spare time,
0:26:49 > 0:26:53I like to watch videos of American faith healers on YouTube.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Now...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You've got to have a hobby.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04These guys, what they do is, if you haven't seen them,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07they are American reverends who reckon they can cure
0:27:07 > 0:27:10pretty much any ailment, right?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13And I've picked up a few tips and tricks that I would like
0:27:13 > 0:27:15to put to the test here this evening.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16But I am going to need your help.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20So, what I want you to do, on the count of three,
0:27:20 > 0:27:24is get up out of your seat, raise your hands to the sky
0:27:24 > 0:27:29and begin to chant, "Praise, praise, praise."
0:27:29 > 0:27:33And I am going to see whether I can get myself into this sacred state
0:27:33 > 0:27:34and heal myself, OK?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Are you ready for that? On the count of three.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38One, two, three. Up, up.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- AUDIENCE:- Praise! - Praise, praise, praise.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Praise, praise, praise.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Praise, praise, praise.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Praise, praise, praise.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- Hallelujah! It's a miracle! - CHEERING
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Yes! We did it!
0:27:56 > 0:27:57Yes!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Praise be!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Yes!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Shit, is that someone from the Benefits Office?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Right, well...
0:28:10 > 0:28:11I'd better be going.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Apollo, you have been absolutely beautiful.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I've been Jack Carroll. Goodnight and God bless.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20- Forever onwards towards victory. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Jack Carroll, ladies and gentlemen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Our thanks to Jack Carroll, our thanks to Holly Walsh.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Take care of yourselves. All the best.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43APPLAUSE AND CHEERING