0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Joe Lycett!
0:00:28 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Hammersmith Apollo, again, everyone!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Give me an "Ooh!"
0:00:40 > 0:00:41- ALL:- Ooh!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Give me an "A-ha-ha-ha".
0:00:43 > 0:00:44- ALL:- A-ha-ha-ha.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Very nice. Let me hear you say, "Hell, yeah!"
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- ALL:- Hell, yeah!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52And then, as camp as you can, give me an, "Oh, no".
0:00:52 > 0:00:53- ALL:- Oh, no.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55You shook your head. "I'm not going to do a camp thing".
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Give yourselves a round of applause!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:02That's good. Hello.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07So, right, I broke my elbow.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08- Did you?- I did.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10I got into a fight.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12You should see the other guy.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15She's fine. She's back at school.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I don't want to talk about it.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Cos, you know, I just want to keep it low key.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23That's why I wore this sling(!)
0:01:23 > 0:01:24I made a sling out of silver!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28What I've realised is, I'm not going to be able to get up now.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I've really shat myself up here, haven't I?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Right...
0:01:36 > 0:01:37CHEERING
0:01:39 > 0:01:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48So, do you know, I want to talk about Birmingham.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I am from Birmingham. Anyone from Birmingham in?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51CHEERING
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Oh, loads of you. Hello, welcome. I know I don't have the accent.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I know. I just never had it.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57I am...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I, er, was watching Fox News the other week.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02The reputable news source that is Fox News(!)
0:02:02 > 0:02:06And they described Birmingham as "100% Muslim".
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Salaam-Alaikum.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Alaikum-Salaam is what you say back, but don't worry,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15we will work it out. I was interested in that,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17because "100% Muslim", they said. It is a sort of truth.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19There is a lot of Muslims in Birmingham.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20There is a lot of all cultures there.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22We are known for being multicultural.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26One of the most famous Muslims in Birmingham is Malala Yousafzai.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I don't know if people are familiar with her?
0:02:28 > 0:02:29CHEERING
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yes, she's brilliant. She's an 18-year-old schoolgirl
0:02:32 > 0:02:34who was shot at by the Taliban for wanting to be educated.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37She now goes to Edgbaston High School for Girls.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It is a private school. I don't think she pays the fees.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47I, personally, would hate to go to school with Malala Yousafzai.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Can you imagine Show and Tell Day, with Malala?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"OK, class, what have you brought in?"
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"Sally, let's start with you."
0:02:54 > 0:02:58And Sally goes, "I've brought in a papier mache cat
0:02:58 > 0:02:59"that I made".
0:03:00 > 0:03:02"OK, um, anyone else bring anything in?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"Malala, did you bring anything in?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"This Nobel Peace Prize."
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"Sally! You're a piece of shit."
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I'd hate to be a teacher, as well.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17You're not going to tell Malala off for anything.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"What are you doing with that phone?"
0:03:19 > 0:03:21"Texting Barack Obama, actually, so..."
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"Oh, sorry.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"Um, Sally... you're a piece of shit."
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Poor Sally. No, I made her up. No, I was annoyed about that.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I was annoyed when they said we were 100% Muslim, cos when they say
0:03:33 > 0:03:35things like that, there is a subtext to that.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38What they are saying is that we should be worried about that,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41that there is something terrifying, frightening about Muslims.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I think we have got a problem. I think we are using the word "Muslim"
0:03:44 > 0:03:47far too quickly to describe people doing atrocities,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49when they do not represent Muslims any more than I do.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I think we should be using a more accurate word for those people,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55which I am going to argue is "knobhead".
0:03:56 > 0:03:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:59 > 0:04:01It's a political rally now.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05There would be levels of knobhead. You would have a moderate knobhead,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08all the way up to fundamental knobhead.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And if we all did it, the news would have to catch up.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13They would have to go, "Today, two knobheads bombed a car."
0:04:13 > 0:04:16They would have to do it. And it wouldn't necessarily be to do with
0:04:16 > 0:04:20terrorist activity. Not just that. Any knobheady activity would get
0:04:20 > 0:04:22the knobhead word. I have thought of some.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28People that wear a festival wristband after a festival.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Ugh! The worst!
0:04:32 > 0:04:33"I went to Reading."
0:04:33 > 0:04:36It's November, you're in a Costa! You're a knobhead!
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Couples that put a lock on a bridge. You are both knobheads, sorry!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Hate that! Hate it!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Sanctimonious mothers. I have to be careful here.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I don't mean all mothers, by any means. Just a lot of my friends
0:04:53 > 0:04:56are having kids at the minute. It's the sort of mothers that go,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"Don't tell me how to raise my kids." And you're like,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"OK, but she IS trying to eat a petits filous
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"with an electric razor, so...
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"You're a bit of a knobhead, aren't you?! Just ever so slightly."
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Amanda Holden - fundamental knobhead. I just don't like her.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14I don't like her.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15CHEERING
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Don't encourage me, because I am sure she is lovely.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20But I think she's despicable.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24No, I don't have a problem with Muslims in Birmingham, at all.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Happy to have them. I think they add to our city and to our culture.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I think the big problem we have in Birmingham is happening around
0:05:30 > 0:05:35the country, actually. We have a lot of artisan coffee shops.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You know the sort of places I am on about.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Shoreditch is full of them. Kind of, like, distressed wood.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42That kind of thing.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46And they serve flat whites and they will say things like,
0:05:46 > 0:05:47"We support local artists."
0:05:47 > 0:05:50And you know that, cos the art on the wall
0:05:50 > 0:05:52is shit.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Dozens. Dozens in Birmingham. They are all shit.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00No, there is one I quite like.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I cannot say the name, for legal reasons.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06They do an avocado and feta smash.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's a very aggressive word, I feel,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13for what is, essentially, pressing with a fork.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Avocado and feta smash! And for £1-1.50 extra,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19you can get a poached egg on top. It is a lovely way to start the day.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I went in recently and I said to the girl,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"I'd like the avocado and feta smash, please,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"with the poached egg." And she went, "Oh.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"We don't do the egg any more."
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I said, "Why's that?" And she went,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"The kitchen was struggling to cope."
0:06:36 > 0:06:40When I hear the phrase "struggling to cope",
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I think of, I don't know, a single mother,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45trying to juggle a career, childcare, heartbreak.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I don't think of someone cooking a fucking egg.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I am boycotting them now. I am boycotting them.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57We have got a 24-hour Starbucks, as well.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Nobody asked for one. We've got one.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03The staff, at 4am, genetically closer to a moth.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I have only been in once. It was about 4am.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I got back late from a show. I thought I would treat myself,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11have a hot chocolate. The guy behind the counter obviously
0:07:11 > 0:07:15could not cope with daylight. "Can I take a name?"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Yeah, it's Joe. Can I ask why?"
0:07:17 > 0:07:20He's like, "Just in case the order gets confused."
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I looked around an empty Starbucks!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26He shuffled along to the service counter, took him ages to make it,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29and then he went, "Hot chocolate for John".
0:07:31 > 0:07:34So, to prove a point, I just waited.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"John will be here in a minute, won't he?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"He loves a hot chocolate, our John."
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Now, I am going to tell you a final thing and then I am going to
0:07:45 > 0:07:47bring on your first act. Are you up for this?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49CHEERING
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Right. What I want to tell you about is a thing I have been doing
0:07:51 > 0:07:54in my office. I have got this office in Birmingham. It's a little space
0:07:54 > 0:07:57that I write stuff in and whatever. I have got this, like, snap frame
0:07:57 > 0:08:01on the door, which is where, like... The other businesses have their
0:08:01 > 0:08:04business name, but I am not a business, so I just leave it blank,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06most of the time. But sometimes, I get drunk in the office
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and put silly things in the snap frame.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I just did a thing where I put in the snap frame,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I put a sign up. I put a sign up which said,
0:08:13 > 0:08:18"Have you seen this cat?", with a picture underneath it
0:08:18 > 0:08:19which is clearly a fox.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22And then put, "Missing from the area.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"Answers to the name of Samantha Peterson.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27"Any information to Peter, at peterpeterson@gmail.com."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I just made up these things. Made myself laugh.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Didn't think of it again. Until, a couple of days later,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I got an e-mail from Carol. Carol wrote, "Mr Lycett,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"it has come to our attention that you have a sign for a lost cat
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"on your office door snap frame. May I remind you that it states
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"in your contract that we have a strict policy on animals
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"in the building, as this is a workplace.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"Animals are not permitted and anyone found with animals
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"in their units could have their contract terminated.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"Regards, Carol. Management assistant."
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I checked the contract. Nothing in there about animals,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59so she's got nothing on me. Second, it's a picture of a fox, Carol.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I replied. "Hello, Carol. My apologies.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"There has been a simple misunderstanding.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"There is, indeed, a sign for a lost cat in the snap frame,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"but Samantha Peterson is not my cat.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15"I am attempting to find her,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19"as I believe she has been stealing from me."
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"I popped into the office late one night last week
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"and discovered that my collection of antique biscuits
0:09:29 > 0:09:30"had been disturbed.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36"Outside the building, I spotted a cat and instinctively shouted,
0:09:36 > 0:09:37"Samantha Peterson!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"The cat turned, so I deduced that is her name.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47"I know she has my biscuits.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Any help you can provide would be most appreciated.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"Many thanks, Joe Lycett."
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Carol sent me a reply.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"Mr Lycett, I am sorry to hear about the disruption at your office,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"but I would like to politely ask you to take the sign down.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04"The surrounding businesses have made complaints that their clients
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"are being disturbed by your sign." How you can be disturbed
0:10:07 > 0:10:09by a sign, I don't know. She sent me another e-mail straight after.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12"Also, can I ask what the Peter Peterson e-mail address
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"is on the sign? Are you sharing the office space?"
0:10:15 > 0:10:18It's a sole occupancy. I replied, "Hello, Carol,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"No, Peter is my private investigator.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"He has agreed to live in the office and work on this case for as long
0:10:25 > 0:10:29"as is necessary. I replaced the sign. With my compliments,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33"many thanks, Joe." I replaced the sign with the same picture of a fox,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35just with, "Wanted - dead or alive" over it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42A day later, another e-mail from Carol.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45"Mr Lycett, we have had more complaints
0:10:45 > 0:10:47"that you have replaced the sign with a very similar sign.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49"Also, you cannot have anyone living in your office.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"Is there a time we can speak on the phone today?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"It would be easier to discuss this, rather than over e-mail."
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I didn't want to speak to her over the phone, so I replied,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"Carol, I am afraid that will not be possible.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02"I have been advised by Peter Peterson that I should not use
0:11:02 > 0:11:04"the phone, as it could be bugged."
0:11:10 > 0:11:13She replied, "OK, Mr Lycett, I just had one of our security guys
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"go round and there is no-one answering the door
0:11:15 > 0:11:17"and the lights appear to be off. I am fairly confident
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"your investigator is not living in the office.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"As long as you do not have pets in the office, I am happy to forget
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"the whole thing. Regards, Carol." Very diplomatic. Very considerate,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28on Carol's part. I replied...
0:11:30 > 0:11:31"Carol, Carol, Carol...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Of course your security man did not spot Peter Peterson.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39"He is a private investigator
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"and shape-shifter. He lives in the cracks.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"He is watching you when you least expect it.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"He lives in the shadows of your darkest fears and,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"in your weakest moments, when you're naked and vulnerable,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52"he is there - watching, waiting. He lives through all of us.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"He is their breath on the back of the neck, the breeze in your hair.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56"Cheers, Joe."
0:11:57 > 0:12:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I also put, "PS Also, FYI, I found Samantha Peterson last night.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"I slaughtered her as a sacrifice to our beloved gods
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"and burned the body in a tribal ceremony.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"I took the sign down this morning."
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Carol replied, "Thank you".
0:12:20 > 0:12:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:27OK.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31So, yeah, I am going to introduce the first act now.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I love this guy. I have worked with him for years,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36since we both started stand-up. I just think he's wonderful.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38So, please, give all your love and warmth
0:12:38 > 0:12:40for the amazing Ivo Graham!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Good evening, Live at the Apollo.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01CHEERING
0:13:01 > 0:13:04My name is Ivo. I am going to tell you a few things about myself.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Let's start off with the big news. I have got Amazon Prime!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08CHEERING
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Not sure how many of you
0:13:09 > 0:13:13are currently riding the Amazon Prime wagon.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16It's a hell of a wagon to ride - living the next day delivery dream.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18What a thrill.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Or at least, it was for the first month.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22You know how it is.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Just meant to be a bit of fun before Christmas, really,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29but I forgot to cancel the trial in time.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Now, I am trapped.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Walking around every day with an Amazon Prime subscription
0:13:34 > 0:13:35I neither want nor need.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39The world's shittest superpower.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Going up to strangers in the street,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"Do you need anything tomorrow? It can be arranged."
0:13:45 > 0:13:48But people are jealous. My flatmate, who tried to muscle in
0:13:48 > 0:13:50on my Amazon Prime action.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52He said, "I need a book quite urgently. Would you mind ordering it
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"for me, off your account?" I said, "Yeah, sure. Why not?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"Spread the love." But then, overnight, I had a bit
0:13:58 > 0:14:00of a change of heart. Thought to myself,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04"You know what? No! My Prime privileges are not something to be
0:14:04 > 0:14:05"bandied around willy-nilly.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"I have paid my money. I didn't mean to, but I have.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"I have joined an exclusive club
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"and it is not for me to bail out the Muggles."
0:14:13 > 0:14:15That book arrived the following morning
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and I kept it in my possession for another 2-4 working days.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23I am an extremely petty man.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25What else can I tell you about myself?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I have got a girlfriend. That's very exciting.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- ALL:- Whoo!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Or at least, it was, for the first month.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34You know how it is.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Just meant to be a bit of fun before Christmas, really, but...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40..I forgot to cancel the trial in time.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Now, I'm trapped.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I am joking. I am extremely grateful.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I was a very late starter
0:14:48 > 0:14:50to the whole world of sex and relationships.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I remember there was a bet amongst my group of friends at school
0:14:53 > 0:14:55that I would be the guy in the group who would not have sex until after
0:14:55 > 0:14:58they left school. To most people, that is an insult.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03To me, very much challenge accepted. I surpassed expectations,
0:15:03 > 0:15:08by the length of an additional educational establishment.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I'm not ashamed of that. Tried to turn it into something
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I am sort of proud of, like a modesty Top Trump.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Obviously, I am well aware that "age of virginity lost"
0:15:16 > 0:15:18is not an official category in most Top Trump sets.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I like to imagine that it is, cos if you had this guy,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24your opponent would need to be packing
0:15:24 > 0:15:27some pretty strong Christians or he'd be going home.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32The most exciting times for me as a teenager - going to parties
0:15:32 > 0:15:34on my holidays. Usually about one party a year,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37just to keep my hand in. I wasn't invited by girls my own age.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40No, I was invited by their mums, who, in turn, were asked to do so
0:15:40 > 0:15:44by my mum. My mum was like my agent, back in the day.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47A very popular mum on the East Wiltshire social scene.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51And some of that popularity trickled down. I would go to these parties
0:15:51 > 0:15:53And I would be a hit, not with the girls my own age,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56but with their mums. Cos their mums trusted me.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58They knew what they were getting from the other boys,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01at their daughters' parties - red wine stains in the carpet
0:16:01 > 0:16:04and sexually-transmitted infections. Not from this guy.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07They knew what they were getting from me. A box of Quality Street
0:16:07 > 0:16:10at the start of the night, a hand with the washing-up after dinner
0:16:10 > 0:16:13and a thank-you letter in first-class post the following day.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I don't like to boast too much on stage, but I am not ashamed to say
0:16:16 > 0:16:19that I write a fucking good thank-you letter.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22All the trimmings. Ink fountain pen, vellum parchment paper.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27One crazy summer, even experimented with a wax seal.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29The overheads were too crippling in the end, but it was a hell
0:16:29 > 0:16:33of a summer, I can tell you. It's a disappearing art
0:16:33 > 0:16:35in the digital age - the old-fashioned thank-you letter.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I loved it, the formality of it.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Writing my address in the top right-hand corner,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43just in case any of the mums wanted to write back. They never did,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46but I gave them the option. The date underneath - the classic
0:16:46 > 0:16:48six-figure date formation - day, month, year.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Unless it was an American family, obviously, in which case,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54still day, month, year, cos they must learn.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Changing the world, one letter at a time.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Sometimes, I was so keen to get started on my thank-you letter,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I'd start it while still at the party itself.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Usually in the late hours of the night, a schism would occur.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Everyone else would be next door, playing Spin The Bottle
0:17:15 > 0:17:18or strip poker. I'd be on my own, at the desk,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22bashing out the first draft, deciding whether or not to dedicate
0:17:22 > 0:17:24an entire paragraph to the Viennetta.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I went to university and things got more exciting.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32At university, there were girls there.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I became friends with them. Sometimes, good friends.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I was often told by my female friends that
0:17:36 > 0:17:40"I would make a great boyfriend". Those females and their addiction
0:17:40 > 0:17:43to the hypothetical tense.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46When will they have the courage to turn these theories into reality?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I am sure a few of us here have been told we would make great boyfriends
0:17:51 > 0:17:54or great girlfriends. One of these compliments which loses its appeal
0:17:54 > 0:17:57quite quickly. Like being told by your computer you have
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"excellent password strength".
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Eventually, the compliment wears off.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I know I have got a good password.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09How about a bit more attention to my banging secret question?
0:18:09 > 0:18:13The real jewel in the crown. An entire childhood spent
0:18:13 > 0:18:15misleading people about who my best friend was,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17specifically with this in mind.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23At university, it stopped being about going to parties.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27It started being about going to clubs. I'm not having a go at clubs.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29As an adult now, I quite enjoy going to clubs.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I go quite often. I am an absolute slave to the rhythm.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36But back in the day, very nervous.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38And never more nervous than the first time it was proposed
0:18:38 > 0:18:40that we travel to London especially for a club night.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I remember consulting the itinerary that afternoon, saying,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"Guys, I have seen when our train gets in
0:18:45 > 0:18:47"and when the last train home departs.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"That's going to afford us about 45 mins max of boogie time.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"What's going on?" I received a truly chilling response.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57"You have got it wrong. Not the last train home tonight -
0:18:57 > 0:19:00"first train home in the morning." Does anything send more of a shiver
0:19:00 > 0:19:03down the spine of a nervous debut clubber than that?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06You guys know how UK train tickets work. That is going to exceed
0:19:06 > 0:19:11the remit of our same-day return. There is no next-day return.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I was being asked to stump up for an open return.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Commit to a potential month of clubbing.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22A month spent at the O2 Academy, Brixton.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Me and 3,000 of South London's rudest boys.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26CHEERING
0:19:26 > 0:19:29As I found out, as I entered my second hour of holding the door open
0:19:29 > 0:19:33for them, listening to drum and bass -
0:19:33 > 0:19:35a genre I thought I would enjoy.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39I quite enjoy bands without a guitar player.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Thought we'd be listening to something like Keane(!)
0:19:42 > 0:19:44But there were no other Keane fans in the O2 Academy, Brixton
0:19:44 > 0:19:47that night. Or at least none others
0:19:47 > 0:19:49wearing the official band T-shirt.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52It was a night of crime. People were breaking into the venue
0:19:52 > 0:19:55without tickets, people were smoking indoors, people were doing drugs
0:19:55 > 0:19:57in the loos. Not having a go at any of these things.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59We have all broken the rules at some point in our lives.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04I once sold multipack cans of Coke individually at a church fete.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Made a sweet, sweet £4 profit off my mum's friend, Yvonne.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10We are all going to hell.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Got no objection to it. I was often told by my friends at university
0:20:14 > 0:20:18that "I would make a great drug taker".
0:20:18 > 0:20:21But I was not partaking in any illegal activities that night.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24However, despite this, I was mistaken on the dancefloor,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27not just for a drug taker, but for a drug dealer.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30The man caught me rubbing my gums, misunderstood the situation.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Approached me, attempted to make a purchase.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35There is no lower moment in this life than having to explain
0:20:35 > 0:20:39to a potential client that what you applied was not MDMA, but Bonjela.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Ladies and gents, this has been an absolute privilege.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Thank you for having me. I've been Ivo Graham. Goodbye!
0:20:44 > 0:20:48CHEERING
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Ivo Graham!
0:20:53 > 0:20:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Amazing! Right, it's time for your next act.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Right! I love this act so much. You are going to have
0:21:03 > 0:21:06such a brilliant time. So, please, give all your love and warmth
0:21:06 > 0:21:10for the amazing, the wonderful Phil Wang!
0:21:10 > 0:21:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Hey! Hey, guys. Hey, how's it going?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Good to be here. All right. Yeah.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29It's me, Phil Wang!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- ALL:- Whoo!
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Phil Wang. That's right, real name.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Phil Wang. Phil and then Wang.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Phil Wang.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40First you hear Phil, then you think, "Oh, everything is normal".
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Then, bang! Wang!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Out of nowhere, like a bat out of hell.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Phil Wang. I love introducing myself.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I love introducing myself. My favourite thing to do.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Every time I meet a new person, every time I meet a new person,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57a new person, as in a stranger, not a baby.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I don't tell babies my name.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Babies don't care.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Babies are rude.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13But every time I meet a stranger, I like to say, "Hi, I'm Phil.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"Phil Wang."
0:22:15 > 0:22:17"Phil by name...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20"..Wang...
0:22:20 > 0:22:21"..by second name. Phil Wang."
0:22:24 > 0:22:26That's how names work.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28That's how names work for me. Phil Wang.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Lovely to be here. Got to come clean with you, folks.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I'm not very good at starting performances.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I tend to just say my name a bunch of times.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44And hope for the best.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Starting's the hardest part.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Starting's the hardest part of comedy,
0:22:47 > 0:22:48the most difficult part of the job.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Comedians employ a whole host of tricks to start.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53What a lot of comedians like to do is they like to start by
0:22:53 > 0:22:55pointing out a celebrity they look like.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59You know, like a weird thing they bear resemblance to.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01And it's funny. Apparently if you look at me, right?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05And, like, squint really hard,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07that's racist.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Don't do that.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20You'll get kicked out of the Apollo.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28What else about me? I'm 26. I'm twenty-goddamn-six.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29People often think I'm older,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31because although I am 26,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I look terrible.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I look gross and old, I guess.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Mothers, lock up your selves.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Old Wang's on the prowl.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48He gon' get ya.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I'm a... I'm a bit fat, I suppose. I don't look great. I'm a bit fat.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54I don't struggle with my weight.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57People my shape and size often say they struggle with their weight.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00They're always very sad. "Oh, I struggle
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"with my weight..."
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I don't... I don't struggle with my weight.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Struggle implies that I fought back at some point.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I didn't.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I helped.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I was very much an accomplice to my weight.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I was no barrier of entry to my weight.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22My weight knocked at the door and said, "Can I come in?"
0:24:22 > 0:24:24And I said, "Can I keep playing video games and touching myself?"
0:24:24 > 0:24:27And my weight said, "Yeah." "Oh, come in!"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Take off your shoes, though. Chinese house."
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I have been trying to work on my look, though.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I've been trying to look better. I'm trying to work on my look.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I think it's important for all of us to have a distinct look that we like
0:24:42 > 0:24:43and to accomplish it as best we can,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45and so I have settled on the look
0:24:45 > 0:24:47of Cambodian dictator.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It's a pretty strong look.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's been getting me a lot of respect recently.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Mainly from Cambodian people.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06But then I've got fun shoes at the end.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Racist people think that I'm barefoot, but there you go.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13It's a joke about colour.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Just a joke about colour, madam.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18People always ask me where I'm from.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You know, people always say, "Hey, Phil, Phil Wang...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"..where are you from?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Then I say, "Oh, London."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29And then they say, "Heh, NO...
0:25:34 > 0:25:35"..Nice try, Phil Wang...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"..Where are you originally from?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"Hong Kong, the Philippines, Malaysia, somewhere like that?"
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Happens all the time and it upsets me, you know?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I don't like it, cos I'm British. I love being British.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53I have a British passport, and I'm very proud to be British,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56but I think what annoys me the most about the whole thing is that
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I am actually originally from Malaysia.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Yeah, so, erm...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04So I don't say that.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06And then they were right to have asked.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09That's the most difficult part of the whole thing.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12You know, cos they shouldn't have asked.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14But it turns out
0:26:14 > 0:26:16they were right to have asked.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It was spot-on, to be fair to them, but...
0:26:18 > 0:26:22I mean, it was a racist suspicion
0:26:22 > 0:26:23for them to have.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27But the suspicion was correct in the end, so...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I'm always conflicted.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Am I offended by their narrow-mindedness
0:26:31 > 0:26:34or impressed with their detective skills?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Good work, Columbo.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I suppose race isn't always black and white.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44There are shades of yellow, too. Thank you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Thank you very much.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I'm enjoying my life in the UK, though. I like it a lot here.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Got myself a girlfriend. Thank you!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Got myself an English girlfriend, living the immigrant dream!
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Smackin' it.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02It'll be your jobs next!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Nah, the women'll do.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Women are miracles. Jobs are boring.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20She's great, my gal, she's brilliant. She's a vicar's daughter.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25A vicar's daughter.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27The atheist's ultimate victory.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Take that, God.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Old Wang snagged one of your lambs.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Mm-mm-mm.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I snuck in your pen and I nabbed your lambs.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I reckon I'm going to have kids, though, with my lady.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I'm going to have kids with my gal.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55My girlfriend, she's a white lady. No problem with that. Big fan.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Big fan of the white ladies.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59So much so, actually, that I've decided that I'm only ever
0:27:59 > 0:28:02going to have children with a white lady, right?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Not only that, my sons will only ever have children
0:28:04 > 0:28:06with white ladies, their sons will only ever have children
0:28:06 > 0:28:09with white ladies, and this'll go on and on, on and on,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12generation after generation after generation,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15until every trace of Chinese gene is gone, every memory of me erased.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18They won't even know I ever existed, right?
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Because I have a dream that in 1,000 years, the UK will be full of
0:28:22 > 0:28:25white people who are all called Wang and don't know why.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Thanks a lot, guys. I'm Phil Wang.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31You're wonderful. Thanks, bye.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35CHEERING
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Phil Wang!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Amazing!
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Ivo Graham and Phil Wang! I've been Joe Lycett. See you again.