0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24please welcome your host for tonight, Katherine Ryan.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# All I want for Christmas is you. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Hello, girls! CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Welcome to Noel at the Apollo. CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Whatever the holiday season means to you, that's Christmas.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57If it means going down to the pub, that's Christmas.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59If you're alone, that's Christmas.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01As long as it's good and it's kind.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03If it's Hanukkah, that's Christmas.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06That's what it's about, live your life.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09There will still be people who are like,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"Mah, I'm not allowed to call it a Christmas tree."
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yeah, that's cos it's a tower of whisky bottles, Kevin.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Well, you know what, call it a Christmas tree
0:01:19 > 0:01:21if that's what you want to do.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25If your biggest problem in life is what you name a seasonal household
0:01:25 > 0:01:28plant, then you are the definition of privilege.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Enjoy it, Kevin.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Christmas for me means struggling with Jane.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Does anyone know Jane from the North London School Run?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I can't stand Jane.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Jane used to have a professional career and that's fine.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And now she stays home to look after seven tiny children
0:01:48 > 0:01:50and that's also fine.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Even though I didn't realise that you could have seven little
0:01:53 > 0:01:56baby ones like in a row. How do you do that?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Her ass is like a peach, cervix like a hula hoop at this point.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Just voom, voom, voom.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Not the snack, no, sir, not the little...
0:02:06 > 0:02:09like a giant, athletic-sized...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13This woman's having a baby every four months.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Jane said to me, "Katherine, you must be so sad
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"that you don't have a husband at Christmas."
0:02:23 > 0:02:26This coming from the woman whose ham-coloured husband, Brian,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31is a man I've never seen out of a bicycle helmet.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34He's just Spandex Man, you know?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36He runs marathons.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Those are the worst kind of people, by the way.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41What is it about a middle-aged man that he's gotta know
0:02:41 > 0:02:44he can be 26 miles away from home on foot at any given moment?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Relax, Brian. "Just trying to raise awareness for cancer."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52We've heard of it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Everyone's heard of it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Raise funds, yeah, that's good, but I don't care
0:03:01 > 0:03:03more about your charity because you're running a marathon.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Like, I will donate to Plan UK because they do tremendous work,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09not because someone from the office threatened to jog
0:03:09 > 0:03:13until he lost a toenail. I don't care.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Jane's in charge of fundraising at the school, of course she is.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"Katherine, will you help with the Christmas cookie sale?"
0:03:19 > 0:03:21No, I will not, Jane,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25because last year you sold my gingerbread biscuits for 10p.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Are we selling these cookies FOR Bangladeshi kids,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32or are we selling them TO Bangladeshi kids, Jane?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35What are you doing?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40No, no, where are you getting your price point, you prick?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43How were you ever effective in the corporate world?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46What is your scale of economies? Do you need money?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I'll write you a cheque for £100, you can
0:03:48 > 0:03:50fuck off and make a thousand gingerbread men.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55She says, "Katherine, you should have another baby."
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Get out of my life.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"You need to have another baby,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"Katherine, you're running out of time."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03We're all running out of time, Jane, that's how time works.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06If anything, I've got a lot more time than you,
0:04:06 > 0:04:11cos I don't have to help find 14 tiny shoes every morning.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And I don't have to sleep with your husband.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I shag him cos I WANT to.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22It's not my job.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32People understand that I don't have a husband. They get that.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I have a very disgusting job.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37They don't understand that I don't WANT a husband.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I really don't.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40I feel like men are like dolphins.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42They are to be enjoyed on holiday.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46They're almost as smart as people.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51That doesn't mean you should have one in the house.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54What are you doing?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57If I was this bad at anything else... I'm terrible at relationships.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01If I was a surgeon who managed to kill every patient
0:05:01 > 0:05:03and burn down the palliative care unit, nobody would be like,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"When are you going to get back in the operating room?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"Go for it!"
0:05:08 > 0:05:11No. I have a lovely life. I have a lovely daughter.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14My daughter's British, which I recommend.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It's like having a tiny, ineffective butler at home.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21"I'm ever so sorry, Mummy,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"I appear to have mashed Nutella into the carpet again."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"Where's Mummy's drink, though? Where is it?"
0:05:30 > 0:05:33My daughter Violet and I, we live in a liberal democracy.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You're allowed your own ideas in our house.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38However, she came home the other day and she said to me,
0:05:38 > 0:05:42"Mummy, do you know what's happening in my country?"
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Which is an ominous way to start any sentence.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I said, "What's happening in your country?"
0:05:49 > 0:05:52She said, "People are coming into my country
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"and they're using all the stuff and they're taking all the jobs,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"so that when I'm older, there'll be nothing left for me!"
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I was like, "I have raised a Tory!"
0:06:05 > 0:06:07No!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Of course, you blame yourself as a mother.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I was like, "I should have been clearer!"
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"Mummy does wear vintage fur on occasion,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"but I'm not involved in the actual fox hunt."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I said, "You know you're the child of an immigrant, yeah?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"When they talk about that, that's you, you're the thing!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"I came into this country and I work and I work,
0:06:32 > 0:06:36"and I pay tax so that you can have a GP and you go to a state school,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"that's what happened."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And she goes, "No, but I'm entitled to those services,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"because I'm British."
0:06:44 > 0:06:47"And you want a job? Plenty of jobs for pocket money round here.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"What do you want to start with? The dishes?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"Maybe you can do the laundry?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"I'm only doing the jobs you won't do, bitch!"
0:06:55 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"Do you know who else was a migrant, Violet?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"The baby Jesus."
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"Mummy, it's Christmas time,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"I absolutely don't think you should be talking about the baby Jesus.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13"Got nothing to do with Christmas."
0:07:13 > 0:07:16"Oh, yeah, you're right, have another Hatchimal, there you go."
0:07:16 > 0:07:19No, she's a lovely girl, I love her so much.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Sometimes, yes, I feel like the foreign nanny
0:07:21 > 0:07:24who works for a mean British woman.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27But mostly, we are not a mum and an eight-year-old.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28We are like two eight-year-olds,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31but one of us has cellulite and a credit card. It's amazing.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I had a partner. He left us last Christmas,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38because I didn't need him.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I was like, "Oh, it's a good thing you don't do anything, I'd be dead."
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"You don't need me, Katherine, I need to go where I'm needed."
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"OK, Batman, jog on."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54He said...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59..he said, to an immigrant single mother,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01"You didn't make me a priority,
0:08:01 > 0:08:05"you just work all the time and look after your child.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06"You didn't make ME a priority."
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I was like, "Mate, I paid for everything.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"It literally says priority on your bags every time
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"I buy you a plane ticket.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"And I always check back into economy
0:08:18 > 0:08:21"to see how you're doing on the flight."
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"You don't fight for me, Katherine."
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You are not the last fidget spinner on Christmas Eve.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I'm a single mum, and there's still baggage attached to that.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I believe that if I were a man,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I wouldn't be single, I'd be eligible, wouldn't I?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I just bought a house in central London,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44they would make me The Bachelor.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45They'd freak out.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It is, by the way, the most expensive property ever owned
0:08:48 > 0:08:51by anyone in my family - it's also the smallest, they're very confused.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55They come from Canada and they're like,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59"Katherine! This is what you bought with all your money?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"But this house is so small.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08"Don't you know what size house you could afford in your home town?"
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I'm like, "Don't you know? Like I wouldn't be sure which room
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"to kill myself in, so I can't do that."
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"When you visit at Christmas, get a hotel."
0:09:19 > 0:09:23If I was a man, I'd be eligible - they'd go, "How does he do it?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:27"How does a young, young, young man
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"of only 34 years old...
0:09:31 > 0:09:32.."raise a gorgeous young daughter
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"without financial help from anywhere? How does he do that?"
0:09:35 > 0:09:38And there'd be memes of me just hoovering with no shirt on.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Like, mah...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"How does he do it?"
0:09:43 > 0:09:44There'd be YouTube videos of me
0:09:44 > 0:09:48going viral, just plaiting her hair before school.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51SHE GASPS "How does he do it?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:58I'd be like, "Well, I take three equal sections of hair...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"..then heroically, I fold one
0:10:03 > 0:10:07"into the other two, and so on."
0:10:07 > 0:10:09And I'd say things like,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13"If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart."
0:10:16 > 0:10:19And women everywhere would be like,
0:10:19 > 0:10:20SHE GASPS
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"Is anyone sucking his dick right now?"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27"Where is this man?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:30And then I'd remove the mask and be like, "Ha-ha, I'm a lady!"
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And they'd be like, "Urgh, another single mum, gross.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"Gross, pathetic."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I'm alone this Christmas, my daughter's with her dad.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"Aw..." Don't be jealous, don't be jealous.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Because you're slaving away in a kitchen filled with guests
0:10:56 > 0:11:00and I'm drinking sangria in my underpants for four days.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Yes!
0:11:04 > 0:11:08These have become my favourite Christmases.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09It can be sad when you're alone,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11especially in a co-parenting situation,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15you go, "Oh, I don't have them this year."
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Lean into it!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18It's so good!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20And there's no such thing as Christmas for a mum -
0:11:20 > 0:11:23what are you doing?! You got all the hobs on,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26you're just cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking, cooking!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Anyone could come over, you're just fielding visitors left and right.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32If the dishwasher's on, you've got to wash dishes so you can cook with them again.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Someone comes through the... "Prosecco, prosecco, prosecco, prosecco, prosecco!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You're holding a bin bag all the time, just gathering
0:11:38 > 0:11:40wrapping paper so they all...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43My recycling bin is empty, guys, and my heart is full.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I love it!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Thank you.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Jane comes out of the woodwork, always.
0:11:54 > 0:12:00"Oh, Katherine, aren't you so sad that you're alone at Christmas?"
0:12:00 > 0:12:04No, Jane. "I would be sad if I was alone at Christmas."
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I'd be sad if I was alone with you too.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11When I'm alone, I'm just hanging out with Katherine Ryan, it's amazing.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16"You can come to our house for Christmas.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"You could eat with our family."
0:12:18 > 0:12:22"Jane, that's a lovely gesture, very charitable, I do appreciate it,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25"but I would rather the tweets of Piers Morgan
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"be shouted into my face till I died of rage."
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Respectfully...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35no.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38No, Jane.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You don't have to live your life like me.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44You could do it any way you want, that is my message.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47But be warned, cos Melania Trump...
0:12:51 > 0:12:55..that is an innocent gold-digger caught up in a dangerous game.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Right? She used to have an incredible life.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05She didn't know...she didn't know he was going to be the President.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08In a perfect world, she should be divorced, banging one of J-Lo's
0:13:08 > 0:13:11backing dancers through season two of her reality show,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Melania Unchained, but no...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Her dreams of a better life in a communist country
0:13:20 > 0:13:23did not involve brunch with Philip May.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27She used to be BFFs with all the best designers
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and now Marc Jacobs is like, "Bitch, make your own dress."
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Nobody likes her.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35She went too young, that's the problem, she went too young.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Go old if you're going to... Go old.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41If he is still eating solid food, he is too young.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Trust me.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49You want him one line of coke and a vigorous hand job away
0:13:49 > 0:13:51from you having Christmas alone on a yacht.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53That's what you want.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Are you ready to kick off Noel at the Apollo?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07- ALL:- Whoooooo!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a tremendous man,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14we've been friends for years, he's touring all across the UK.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15You're going to absolutely love him.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Give a warm round of applause for Marlon Davis.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:21 > 0:14:25# So here it is, merry Christmas
0:14:25 > 0:14:30# Everybody's having fun
0:14:30 > 0:14:36# Look to the future now It's only just begun. #
0:14:36 > 0:14:41Ah-ha. Yes, Merry Christmas, guys.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- AUDIENCE:- Merry Christmas!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: I just want to say to everyone, er...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48this is my voice.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:54This is how I sound.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yeah, when you sound like this,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59people don't take you seriously, you know. They don't.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I couldn't be your boss at work.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Like, "Why are you late?"
0:15:08 > 0:15:11It's just not going to happen, is it?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I was stressed as well about coming
0:15:13 > 0:15:15here today and I was like, "Oh, my God."
0:15:15 > 0:15:17You know, I came on the Tube and stuff and I was like,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"Oh, I might not make it on time to the Apollo. Oh, my gosh."
0:15:20 > 0:15:24And the carriage was packed, like in here right now,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26so I had to get in there cos I didn't want to wait
0:15:26 > 0:15:29one minute for the next one, and I said...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34WEAKLY: .."C-Can you move down, please?"
0:15:35 > 0:15:37And people went, "What's that?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38"Was that a fly in here or something?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:44I have to get it from here, you know, from the bass, cos they don't
0:15:44 > 0:15:46take you seriously, so I had to say to them,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"Can you move down, please?!"
0:15:51 > 0:15:54And they said, "I think it's that girl over there, you know.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55"I think it's her."
0:15:55 > 0:15:58And I got a little boy as well, I got a little boy, yeah?
0:15:58 > 0:16:02CHEERING Yeah. I've done that.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06And I say to him as well, I say, "Go to bed!" and he says...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08DEEP VOICE: "I'll wait till Mum says go to bed, innit.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"I don't know who you are."
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I'm like, "I'm your dad!" "Yeah, sure you are.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"Why don't YOU go to bed?"
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"W-What, now?
0:16:25 > 0:16:26"Can I get a story?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30It's all good though, you know, it's lovely.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Like, last year at Christmas, my life changed.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I have an amazing life, I'll tell you why -
0:16:36 > 0:16:37cos I got a trampoline.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Yeah, life is good if you've got a trampoline.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Whatever it is that you've got going on in your life
0:16:45 > 0:16:48doesn't matter if you've got a trampoline. It doesn't!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Say the boss is pissing you off at work, you come home.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Just bounce and that, innit? Everything's OK again, you know?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And I had to get a trampoline, because I've got a son
0:16:58 > 0:17:00and I've got a garden.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Yeah, see, those are the rules. If you have a child
0:17:03 > 0:17:07and open space, you have to fill it with a trampoline, right?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10And I got it from John Lewis, cos I saw the advert.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13What an advert, innit, I was like, "I'm having that."
0:17:13 > 0:17:16And I got it and I put it up myself, I put it up myself!
0:17:16 > 0:17:21CHEERING All by myself!
0:17:21 > 0:17:26It took me till nearly New Year's Day, but I did it, I did it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I put it up, right, and guess what happened?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Two days later, the next-door neighbour climbed over
0:17:31 > 0:17:34the fence and started jumping up
0:17:34 > 0:17:39and down on our trampoline with his fucking big-head baby.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I was there, and I'm incensed by this because he earns so much money,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49he could buy his own trampoline for his fucking big-head baby.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55But I didn't say anything, because I'm passive aggressive.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00So I was there behind this curtain,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02looking at this man,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05hoping that he can see me, but not see me.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09At the same time, I'm like, "Why am I like this?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"Why am I like..." I think it's definitely a British thing.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I think so - like, if I was American, I'd be like,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"Hey, buddy, get off the damn trampoline."
0:18:19 > 0:18:22You know, but if you're British, you're like, "Mmm-hm-hm, no."
0:18:24 > 0:18:26You don't say how you really feel.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28So I'm there, looking at these people
0:18:28 > 0:18:30jumping up and down on our trampoline
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and I wish someone would say something.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35So I told my son.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I said, "Come here." He's like, "What?"
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I said, "Come and have a look at those people."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"What people?" "Them people out there.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"They're jumping up and down on our trampoline.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"I wish someone would do something."
0:18:49 > 0:18:52And my son said, "Leave it to me."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55And he went out there, he was like,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"Hey! My dad said...
0:18:57 > 0:19:01"stop jumping up and down on the fricki-i-ing..."
0:19:01 > 0:19:03And I said, "Kayden!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"Come here!" He's like, "What?"
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I said, "Say your mum said, right, say your mum said..."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It's got nothing to do with him.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I don't even know him, he's adopted, him.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22That's what it is.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25But this year, though, this year, what are we going to do this year?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I said, "What do you want? He said, "I want a cat."
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I said, "A cat, nah! I'm not going to buy you a cat.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34"No-one gets a pet for Christmas."
0:19:34 > 0:19:37And do you know what happened? I can't tell you what happened.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40There was a mouse. A little mouse.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It came into the house and the girlfriend saw it and goes,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44"Aaargh! What's it doing in here?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"What's it doing in here? We've got a mortgage."
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Like that's got to do with anything.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53All the mice are outside, like, "Hold on, guys, before we go in there,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"we need to see if this is rental accommodation first."
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"Yo, fam, put that cheese down.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"Yeah, you see the tenancy agreement..."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07"It might be a hoax." It don't work that way.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10So she was like, "Marlon, we need a cat." I said, "I don't want one."
0:20:10 > 0:20:13She said, "Marlon, we need a cat." So we compromised and got one.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15So we went to this place...
0:20:15 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:19..where they hold all of the cats in the world.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And I walked in there and was like, "I want a cat."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24And the lady said, "That's not how it works, sir."
0:20:24 > 0:20:25I said, "Please!"
0:20:27 > 0:20:30She said, "No, we need to interview you
0:20:30 > 0:20:31"to see if you are fit to have a cat."
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And I started panicking.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37At this point I said, "Listen, lady, listen, between me and you,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39"I've got a son.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42"Eight years old and he's not dead."
0:20:44 > 0:20:46She looked at me and she's like, "Yeah, you can have a cat."
0:20:46 > 0:20:50She brought us up the stairs and when she brought us up the stairs,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I've never seen so much cats before in my life.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57There were more cats than people in this room.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00And there were different shapes, different sizes.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04And my girlfriend, she got drawn to one cat. It was like blue and grey.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I've never seen a cat like this before.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10A blue and grey cat and its whiskers were out and the tail was up
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and she walked over to the cubicle where the little cat was
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and she put her hand right up against it
0:21:16 > 0:21:19and the cat came along and it put its paw there.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And it was like they were touching.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And she's like, "I want that cat."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25And the lady said, "No."
0:21:26 > 0:21:27And she said why?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30She said, "That cat, it can't live with children."
0:21:30 > 0:21:33And my girlfriend looked at me like to say, "Fuck the kid.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"I want that cat."
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And the lady said, "No, you can't have that cat,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"but we've got some cats that are suitable for you.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"But they're in this corner over here."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49And she walked us into this corner, ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:49 > 0:21:54and all of the cats in this area here were black cats.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Yes, and my paranoia...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01That went off straightaway and I'm like,
0:22:01 > 0:22:02"Hold on a minute, hold on a minute,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06"we can't have that cat over there, but we can have any of these ones.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"That's how to fight racism in the real world.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"But also in the feline one as well, this is bloody ridiculous!"
0:22:12 > 0:22:14And she said, "This one's called Denzel."
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"And this is Barack and Michelle. They come as a pair.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Marlon, you've lost your mind, you don't even want a cat.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Just get any of them. So, er...we got Beyonce.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Thank you very much. I've been Marlon Davis.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Marlon Davis!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58This next act is so clever, so funny,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01everyone's always dying to see what he's got to say,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04super exciting to have him here with us this evening.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Please welcome John Robins.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:10# Thank God it's Christmas
0:23:13 > 0:23:16# Thank God it's Christmas
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# Thank God it's Christmas
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# Can it be Christmas? #
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Hello! AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Hello-ho-ho! AUDIENCE:- Hello-ho-ho!
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- Happy Christmas! AUDIENCE:- Happy Christmas.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Christmas can sometimes be a sad time,
0:23:35 > 0:23:36I think we should remember that.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I had a very sad Christmas last year.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40My flatmate moved out.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- AUDIENCE:- Awwwww.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44She hates it when I call her that,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# ..but it stops me crying when people ask how I am. #
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Just a fun song.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Fun song there, sounds less sad if you put it in a song.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57One of my many coping mechanisms.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Another coping mechanism - the cockney accent.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Yeah, the cockney accent.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06COCKNEY ACCENT: Me girlfriend's left me and I don't think I'm coping.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Just a bit of fun.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Sounds less sad in a cockney accent.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Sounds like a stallholder opening for market with a spring in his step.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18That'll show her.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Another coping mechanism -
0:24:21 > 0:24:24frequent use of the phrase, "That'll show her"
0:24:24 > 0:24:27out loud around the house when I do stuff that used to annoy her.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Such as watching Traffic Cops for five hours,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34or turning the heating off when I go abroad.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I live alone now, I live alone in Grief Mansions,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41that's what I call my house now. Grief Mansions.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Great thing about the timing of it all is
0:24:44 > 0:24:47when I put the wreath on the front door, the neighbours thought
0:24:47 > 0:24:50it was for Christmas, and not a memorial to everything I held dear.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Yeah, Grief Mansions, that's what I call it,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56sometimes I call it that, sometimes, sometimes
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I call it the Museum Of Pain,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01cos all her stuff's still there.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07Trinkets, treasures, ornaments, books, mugs, clothes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Each one a reminder of countless cherished memories
0:25:10 > 0:25:11that now turn painful.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14And that pain beats at the centre of my soul
0:25:14 > 0:25:16like a diseased bird with terrible wings.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21But I can shit with the door open!
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Hello, everyone, I can shit with the door open,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27with a little bit less of that.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Little bit less of the old
0:25:29 > 0:25:32"Don't shit with the door open" routine.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36As my tears fall down onto my penis
0:25:36 > 0:25:39in such quantities,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41that they then fall from my penis
0:25:41 > 0:25:46as if my penis itself were crying onto shit as it gathers below.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50But with a little bit less of that.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Little bit less of the old GBH
0:25:52 > 0:25:55of the "don't shit with the door open routine",
0:25:55 > 0:25:58as my tears fall from my penis onto shit.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Happy Christmas!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I've made a list of pros and cons...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14cos I've been spending a lot of time in brothels and prisons.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Made a list of pros and cons - always good,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22give you a bit of balance, give you a bit of balance.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Con - complete loss of all feelings of hope and possibility.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Mmm, doesn't sound very good, does it?
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Doesn't sound much fun, does it?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Pro - increased plug socket access.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Bang, one-all!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I say increased, it's actually total plug socket access.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I've got 32 plug sockets in my house,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47each and every one of them is now under my sole domain.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Con - all experiences that form the basis of my happiness
0:26:52 > 0:26:56and sense of self worth are now destroyed by grief.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Downer! Bit of a downer, isn't it?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Pro - less recycling.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I can fit it all in the green box now.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Which is remarkable when you take into account
0:27:09 > 0:27:11just how much I'm drinking.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15"Oh, John, you're meant to heat mulled wine."
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"All right, your highness, hand me the bottle and leave."
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Con, con - I'm going to lose me house,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25bit of fun, bit of fun, bit of fun.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Pro - 25% off council tax.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Yeah. CHEERING
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I was on that like a ferret.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Dialling as the door slammed.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42And that's us fresh out of cons, the rest are just pros, guys.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44CHEERING Yeah!
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Increased freezer space, all four drawers.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Cheaper gas and electric.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Reduced wear and tear on fixtures and fittings.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And when I say reduced, I don't mean by half,
0:27:58 > 0:28:03cos I was only ever responsible for about 10% of scuffs and spills,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07so we're looking at a net reduction of 90% in real terms.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11This is my favourite one, my favourite one -
0:28:11 > 0:28:16ultimate control over where the iPhone charger cable is
0:28:16 > 0:28:17and why it is there.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24There was a time it would take hours to answer the questions,
0:28:24 > 0:28:28"Where is the iPhone charger cable? And why is it there?"
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Not any more.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Plugged in next to the bed, most convenient place to have it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Simple.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Is it...
0:28:40 > 0:28:43..is it unplugged in the bathroom?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45No. No, it's not.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47That'd be a ludicrous place to keep it,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49there's no plug socket in the bathroom.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Is it...
0:28:52 > 0:28:56..in the front pocket of a rucksack you no longer use?
0:28:58 > 0:29:00No, that'd be the last place you'd look,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02that'd be very frustrating.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Is it...
0:29:05 > 0:29:09..plugged in on a train we have alighted from?
0:29:12 > 0:29:15No, no, it's plugged in next to the bed,
0:29:15 > 0:29:19cos that's the most convenient place to have it.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Been out of the game. Been out of the dating game.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25A lot's changed, a lot has changed.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Quick question.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31You know, um...
0:29:31 > 0:29:34..you know pubic hair....
0:29:34 > 0:29:36..on a...on a lady?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Is that not a thing any more?
0:29:48 > 0:29:49All gone.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50All.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52All gone.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57I remember back in the day seeing the odd person experiment with
0:29:57 > 0:29:59the format, but all...
0:29:59 > 0:30:01all gone.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Worried I'd missed a town meeting or a referendum or something.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10All gone.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13I mean, I know there's a cliche
0:30:13 > 0:30:15that men find it hard to locate the clitoris,
0:30:15 > 0:30:19but it does seem drastic action to take to clear the entire ground.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Sort of reminiscent of tactics
0:30:30 > 0:30:33employed by American forces in Vietnam.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39Sometimes, and I'm assuming this is an accident,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41sometimes there's one.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45One. A full-length one.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Somehow escaped the massacre.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Perhaps like a soldier who plays dead under a horse's carcass.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Awakes at dawn to see cannon smoke
0:30:59 > 0:31:02drift across the horror of the no-man's-land.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05I think what's problematic for me
0:31:05 > 0:31:09as a pro-hair man, which, FYI, is not a kink.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13That's not a fetish. Hair.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17That's not a weird thing to be into, naturally occurring hair.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22You shouldn't have to scroll down for hair.
0:31:25 > 0:31:29Hair should be at the top with the normal ones.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33Shouldn't have to scroll down going, "Where's the hair? More hair."
0:31:33 > 0:31:37Going past acronyms you don't understand,
0:31:37 > 0:31:40stuff you're not sure if it's gay or a dance, going, "Where's the hair?"
0:31:42 > 0:31:45What's problematic, as a pro-hair man,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47is the more I try and articulate my objection
0:31:47 > 0:31:51to what I see as a pressure on women to defeminise themselves,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54the more I object to that, the more sexist I become because the more
0:31:54 > 0:31:57I become another man telling women what to do with their body.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Which is ideally a chorus I'd not like to add my voice to.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03But the more I attack something that I see as sexist,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05the more sexist I become.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09I may as well be stood here going, "Hey, sisters!
0:32:09 > 0:32:11"Sisters!
0:32:11 > 0:32:15"You go and regrow that womanly hair.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19"And make sure there's something nice on the table for when I get home."
0:32:21 > 0:32:24I wonder if my responsibility as an individual man,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27and perhaps what is incumbent upon all men,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30is to make sure that the women in our lives know that however
0:32:30 > 0:32:33they choose to display themselves is entirely their decision.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37And yet they must feel no pressure from any man, any industry,
0:32:37 > 0:32:40any company or any advert to display themselves
0:32:40 > 0:32:42in a way that makes them uncomfortable.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45And if you want to, if you want to, fucking grow it everywhere,
0:32:45 > 0:32:47you hairy-nippled, wonky-titted legends.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Happy Christmas!
0:32:53 > 0:32:57I've been John Robins, good night, bye-bye!
0:33:03 > 0:33:05John Robins!
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?
0:33:11 > 0:33:14CHEERING
0:33:14 > 0:33:17This is one of my very good friends.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20His career has absolutely gone stratospheric,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23he is amazing, you're going to love him,
0:33:23 > 0:33:25please welcome Joel Dommett.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - # O come, all ye faithful
0:33:29 > 0:33:32# Joyful and triumphant
0:33:32 > 0:33:35# O come ye
0:33:35 > 0:33:41# O come ye to Bethlehem
0:33:41 > 0:33:44# Come and behold... #
0:33:44 > 0:33:47What a tune! What a tune.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51- Hello, Merry Christmas. AUDIENCE:- Merry Christmas!
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Yes, Merry Christmas, it's a pleasure, my name is Joel.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56Come All Ye Faithful, what an intro track.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58What an intro song, guys.
0:33:58 > 0:34:04It's my favourite Christmas carol. It's so good - what a banger.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08What a tune. What a tune.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11I request it all year round in the nightclubs.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12Don't care, such a good...
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Cos it's the middle bit, when you sing it,
0:34:15 > 0:34:18you just can't wait till the middle bit, that's the juicy part.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21# Come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant
0:34:21 > 0:34:23# O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem
0:34:23 > 0:34:29# Come and behold him Born the king of angels...
0:34:29 > 0:34:32HE WHISPERS # O come let us adore him
0:34:32 > 0:34:36HE SINGS LOUDER # O come let us adore him
0:34:36 > 0:34:40HE SHOUTS # Oh come let us adore him
0:34:40 > 0:34:43# Chri-ist the Lord! #
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Yes! That's a carol!
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Oh, it's a fave. All year round.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55It's the only time you can shout in assembly.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03They can't tell you off. It's in the Bible, probably.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06I want...
0:35:06 > 0:35:09I want to ask for shoes for Christmas,
0:35:09 > 0:35:13but I've got size 6½ feet,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16so I feel a bit self-conscious about...
0:35:16 > 0:35:18..asking for them, you know?
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Is there anyone else here with size six feet? Give me a cheer.
0:35:21 > 0:35:22CHEERING
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Just the women.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Just the women and me.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I'm six foot tall as well!
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Like, guys! It is hard to stay stood up on a windy day.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42It's hard work. And people are always like, "It must be so horrible!"
0:35:42 > 0:35:45"It must be so horrible for you, Joel, because of the cliche."
0:35:45 > 0:35:48Everyone's like, "When women see you in a nightclub,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51"they must just assume you've got a small penis."
0:35:51 > 0:35:53I don't care!
0:35:53 > 0:35:54I can fit into Heelies.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Yes!
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Do you know how exciting that is for me?
0:36:04 > 0:36:07I can round up women in a nightclub like a sheepdog.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15Fanta... Heelies, best way to end an argument, ever.
0:36:15 > 0:36:16It's the best way!
0:36:16 > 0:36:18"Um, I think you're wrong, actually,"
0:36:18 > 0:36:20and just heely away.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22They can't argue! You've already gone!
0:36:24 > 0:36:26I got angry with my flatmate the other day,
0:36:26 > 0:36:28got proper angry with him, cos he's a player.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Right? My flatmate's a proper player.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32And I love players, don't get me wrong, I love 'em.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Cos you hear 'em before you see 'em.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39In the nightclubs they're like, "I'm a playeeeeeeer."
0:36:39 > 0:36:42The other players across the other side of the nightclub
0:36:42 > 0:36:46are just like... "Plaaaayeeeeer."
0:36:48 > 0:36:49That's how they communicate.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Means you get women, if you don't know that, that's what it means.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53"Player" means you get women,
0:36:53 > 0:36:56unless you're Spanish, in which case it means beach.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03All the Spanish people in that nightclub are like,
0:37:03 > 0:37:05"Where is the beach?"
0:37:07 > 0:37:09"Donde esta the beach?"
0:37:12 > 0:37:14This is the thing living with a player, right.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16I just, like, we've got a small house,
0:37:16 > 0:37:19I just know the noise that he makes when he has sex, I just know that.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20I know that, right?
0:37:20 > 0:37:21And I think it's funny,
0:37:21 > 0:37:26because his noise sounds like a Nokia 3310 vibrating on a table.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Very specific.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35And in my house, right, my TV is here and then behind the TV
0:37:35 > 0:37:36..is his bedroom...
0:37:36 > 0:37:37..and the erm...
0:37:37 > 0:37:39There's a wall there as well.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41LAUGHTER
0:37:41 > 0:37:44That would be the creepiest house of all time.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47"Let's just go behind the TV and ignore him,
0:37:47 > 0:37:49"it's going to be fine."
0:37:54 > 0:37:56He goes in with this lady.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59I'm in the lounge, I'm playing Modern Warfare 3 on my Xbox.
0:37:59 > 0:38:00- AUDIENCE:- Whooo!
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Yes, "whoo," cos I'm a different kind of playeeeer!
0:38:04 > 0:38:08He goes in with this lady and it's a thin wall, so I can just hear them
0:38:08 > 0:38:10talking and they're like, you know, they're like...
0:38:10 > 0:38:13HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:38:27 > 0:38:29HE IMITATES MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE
0:38:34 > 0:38:37HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:38:39 > 0:38:42HE IMITATES MUFFLED LAUGHTER
0:38:44 > 0:38:47MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE: Oh, my God, you're so funny.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:38:51 > 0:38:55MUFFLED MALE VOICE: Plaaaayyeeeeeeer.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE: Oh, my God, you're such a player.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:39:04 > 0:39:08# Come all ye faithful...
0:39:15 > 0:39:18HE IMITATES MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE
0:39:26 > 0:39:30HE IMITATES PHONE VIBRATING
0:39:35 > 0:39:38HE IMITATES PHONE VIBRATING
0:39:43 > 0:39:45MUFFLED MALE VOICE: I'm so sorry.
0:39:45 > 0:39:50CHEERING
0:39:59 > 0:40:01I try be a player. I've tried.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04I've tried. Last Christmas, I was single.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Right? I'm trying. I thought, you know what,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09because I've gone from relationship to relationship to relationship
0:40:09 > 0:40:10and I thought, I've never had a one-night stand.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13I've never done it. I thought, maybe that's what I need.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Maybe that's what I need to have a successful relationship.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18I just need to go out into the world and just have sex with something.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21LAUGHTER
0:40:21 > 0:40:23And so I went online.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25That's how you meet people these days, isn't it? You go online.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29And I met this lady and she seemed nice and we...
0:40:29 > 0:40:31we chatted a bit.
0:40:31 > 0:40:32And after a while she was, like,
0:40:32 > 0:40:34"Hey, I'm at a party near your house."
0:40:34 > 0:40:39"I'm going to come to your house in half an hour." Yes.
0:40:39 > 0:40:40I was like, Oh, my God!
0:40:40 > 0:40:42LAUGHTER
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Urgh.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45Oh... I'm going to clean my house.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47LAUGHTER
0:40:50 > 0:40:51She didn't arrive half an hour later,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54she arrived three hours later.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55Drunk.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59My house was so clean and, like... LAUGHTER
0:40:59 > 0:41:01..and I'm not talking drunk like, "Hey, how's it going?"
0:41:01 > 0:41:05Not talking that, I'm talking like, "LET ME IN!" drunk.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Hammered. So drunk. She was banging on my front door.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Genuinely, I was panicking so much I didn't know what to do.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15My neighbours were complaining and I was, like, I thought
0:41:15 > 0:41:16this was the best plan.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18She lived really far away,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21so I thought this was the most adult action I should take.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25I just invited her in and I gave her my Christmas pyjamas
0:41:25 > 0:41:27and I said, "Go to sleep".
0:41:27 > 0:41:30AUDIENCE CHUCKLE Thank you very much.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32I feel like, "Aw, he's not a rapist. "
0:41:32 > 0:41:35LAUGHTER So nice of you.
0:41:38 > 0:41:39And that was it. That was it.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42She slept on my bed, I even gave her my bed. I slept on the floor. That was it.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Until about 6.30 in the morning, I was woken up by her pissing on my carpet.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Just pissing. True facts.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Just pissing away. Leaning against the wall, just pissing
0:41:50 > 0:41:53and I was like, "What are you doing? Stop pissing on my carpet!"
0:41:53 > 0:41:56And she went, "Just look away." LAUGHTER
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Privacy is not the issue, stranger!
0:42:00 > 0:42:02You need to stop wazzing on my rug, mate.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06She is just wazzing, just happening.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09There was nothing I could do. I can't just rugby tackle her.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12She wasn't little, I can't pick her up and take her outside like a dog in the movies.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15LAUGHTER I just waited for her to finish.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17There was so much, Apollo.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19She was not a shots girl.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20She was a pints lady.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23LAUGHTER So much.
0:42:23 > 0:42:24There was so much.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28And then she just got back into bed, like that's something you do.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30Just got back in... And I thought, my God, she didn't even wipe.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32It was horrendous.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34LAUGHTER Horrendous.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36I thought, I'll deal with it in the morning.
0:42:36 > 0:42:40I woke up in the morning, and I woke her up. I said, "Hey.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42"You pissed on my carpet last night."
0:42:42 > 0:42:45And she went, "Please don't talk about this on stage."
0:42:45 > 0:42:49LAUGHTER
0:42:49 > 0:42:50Yes.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53CHEERING
0:42:56 > 0:42:59And I said, "I won't, Charlotte Fowler."
0:42:59 > 0:43:04CHEERING
0:43:04 > 0:43:05So wonderful.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09Merry Christmas!
0:43:09 > 0:43:11One more!
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Thank you and good night.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16CHEERING
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Joel Dommett!
0:43:18 > 0:43:21CHEERING
0:43:21 > 0:43:22That's the show, everybody.
0:43:22 > 0:43:26We're so touched that you allowed us to share your evening with you.
0:43:26 > 0:43:30Thank you once again to my special guests Marlon Davis...
0:43:30 > 0:43:33CHEERING
0:43:33 > 0:43:35..John Robins...
0:43:35 > 0:43:37CHEERING
0:43:37 > 0:43:39And Joel Dommett!
0:43:39 > 0:43:41CHEERING
0:43:41 > 0:43:43I'm Katherine Ryan.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Please be kind to yourselves and to others.
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Please be very generous, stay safe and look after each other.
0:43:48 > 0:43:50Happy holidays, good evening.
0:43:50 > 0:43:56CHEERING