0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Oh, yeah! #
0:00:17 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sara Pascoe.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Hello! Hello, hello. Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46My name is Sara Pascoe. It is my dream to be here.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49It's a beautiful, beautiful venue, and I just love...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Do you love London? CHEERING
0:00:51 > 0:00:55I love London. I feel like London is created by the people, right,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59who are just crazy and sexy and ambitious.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I got into an Uber the other day - not bragging - and...
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I am. I got into an Uber and the driver, he said,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10"Would you like to have the radio on?"
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And I was like, "Oh, I don't mind. It's up to you."
0:01:13 > 0:01:18And then he said, "Well, actually, I make my own music.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"Do you mind if I put some of that on?"
0:01:23 > 0:01:25No, I don't.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And then he put on Drake's new album.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I wonder how often it works.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I wonder how often there's a middle-aged white woman thinking,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38"Oh, well, he looks like Aladdin
0:01:38 > 0:01:41"and he sounds like confidence personified.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44"Pull over and jump in the back, Nikolai."
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I'm having a good life.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I have recently started doing yoga, which is just...
0:01:50 > 0:01:53CHEERING Yes, "whoo" for the yoga over there.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Are you a team come to...?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I'm new to it. I'm new to it. I love it. Yoga has changed my life.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05It's brilliant. Yoga is my new drug. My old drug was drugs...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08..which I'm not going to say anything positive about
0:02:08 > 0:02:10because it would be incredibly irresponsible.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'm not going to say anything positive about drug taking.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17What I will say is, I didn't take MDMA until I was 32,
0:02:17 > 0:02:21and it was such a relief to know I could be happy.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You just assume the equipment's broken.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30But yoga is nearly as good and there's no down side.
0:02:30 > 0:02:36It's given me a whole new language. My favourite new word is "namaste".
0:02:36 > 0:02:39It's a very old word, it's very sacred,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42and it means the yoga has finished now.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And then you're allowed to leave.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50I think that the key to being happy as you get older is self-acceptance.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Like, I have to accept things about myself now. Like, I'm 36.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I thought I would have children by now and I don't.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04so that I could show them to my parents and go,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"See? It was my childhood. They're fine."
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Science can't do that yet. And then I had a crazy day last month
0:03:11 > 0:03:14where I just thought, "I'm just going to buy some sperm.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"Just going to get some sperm off the internet. I've got a good job.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18"I'm just going to buy some sperm."
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Guys, sperm is so much more expensive
0:03:20 > 0:03:22than I thought it was going to be.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It is tens of thousands of pounds.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27We are all wasting a valuable resource.
0:03:28 > 0:03:3117-year-old me would have been a millionaire
0:03:31 > 0:03:34if I'd learned how to catch it and chuck it in the freezer.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37It was a shock.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39But I do think self-acceptance is the key.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Like, there's things about myself I don't like,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44but I just have to accept now that they're not going to change.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47This is who I am. Like, so, for instance,
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I don't like art.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I think art is rubbish.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I think lots of people think art is rubbish,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58but we're too worried of looking stupid so we go along with it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I think that the worst art form is theatre.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Right, OK, I can sense how unpopular this opinion is.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Hear me out. I think theatre is diabolical.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Look, I do. Look...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13And also, I'm aware, if you are a performer of some kind,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15if you're an actor, look, please don't be offended.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16I don't mean being in the play.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Obviously, if you're the person in the play
0:04:18 > 0:04:21that gets to put a wig on and walk up and down
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and move your arms and project your voice,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26saying things like, "Um, I think you'll find
0:04:26 > 0:04:30"you're contradicting yourself, Alan," fun!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Having to watch it...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Dear Christ!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38I can't concentrate. I can't lose myself in the story.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42I know that it's not real cos I'm surrounded by people eating crisps,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45and they don't let you look at your phone.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49So all you're thinking is, "Well, how long has it been?"
0:04:49 > 0:04:54And you have to judge from how long it feels, which is forever.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58And then they have a false ending called an interval,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00where, you know, technically, you could leave,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02but you have Stockholm syndrome,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and you don't want everyone around you
0:05:04 > 0:05:07to think you weren't intelligent enough to understand the play,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10so you just sit there and you're trying to be positive.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11You just think things like,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"Well, sometimes, the second half is shorter."
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Then, eventually, after several days,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20the play finishes.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Then what happens is you're flooded with an incredible feeling
0:05:23 > 0:05:26and it's called freedom. It's like electricity in your veins.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28You're thinking, "I can do anything now.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"I can go outside. I could have a sandwich."
0:05:31 > 0:05:36And I think we confuse that feeling for having enjoyed the play.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39So, you go into work the next day, like, "Guys, guys,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"you must see A View From The Bridge."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44But it wasn't A View From The Bridge you enjoyed.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It was when it stopped happening.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I think this about all of the performing arts.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53I think opera - come on. Come on. It's just jokey singing gone long.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I think ballet is nonsensical.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I'm aware that people dedicate their lives to getting good at it, but they shouldn't.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03They're all wriggling around, and, apparently, there's a story,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05but if you want to find out the story,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07you have to read the programme like a book.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"Oh, look, apparently, somebody's trapped inside the body of a swan."
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Why are you telling me? Call the RSPB
0:06:13 > 0:06:17or the Queen. Also, I don't like music.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I know that everyone likes music, but I don't like it.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23It's too noisy. Shut up, music. I don't want to have an emotion
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I didn't have a minute ago, thank you.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29I don't want any memories. I do like Drake,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32but that's only because I got off with him once in an Uber.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40Oh! Oh! I'm sure we'd all agree that the worst musical style is jazz.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43SMALL RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER You really differ with me!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Jazz is the worst.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I think it's the worst noise that human beings make.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50It's aural excrement.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"Oh, Sara, is your dad a jazz musician?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Shut up, my ex-boyfriend's therapist.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57This is what I'm wanting to do with my...
0:06:57 > 0:06:58It's connected to my dad.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01A stressed off-beat just reminds me of being neglected.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06What else don't I like? Oh, there is a good part of an art gallery.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It's called the gift shop. Here you go. Now we're talking.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Pencils, sharpeners, postcards.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13But everyone is very disapproving
0:07:13 > 0:07:17if you run through the gallery, yelling, "Gift shop!"
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You're supposed to stop and look at some of the pictures.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Why are we stopping and looking? It's not Magic Eye.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I can see what they are straight away.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Like, dogs, a horse, a dead old rich person.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Gift shop!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Also, if you're one of the people
0:07:33 > 0:07:36who stops in front of one of the ones that's just a colour...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41..stop. Stop pretending.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You know you're not feeling anything.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"Oh, but, Sara, isn't stand-up comedy an art form?"
0:07:47 > 0:07:51No. No. Clearly not. Also, don't get me wrong,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54some people do stand-up exceptionally well,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56but you know that it isn't an art form
0:07:56 > 0:08:00cos no-one's ever had to explain to you what it means.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02It just works or it doesn't. It's a craft.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05It's either funny and it's stand-up comedy,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07or it's not and it's a TED talk.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13It's goodnight. And I like that I am a craftsperson. I like...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Cos a craftsperson dedicates their life
0:08:15 > 0:08:18to getting better at something, at honing their skill.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21It's like if I was a chair-maker and I brought out a chair,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and you sat on it and it supported your weight,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26well, then, that is good craftsmanship.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28If I bring out a chair, and you sit on it and it collapses
0:08:28 > 0:08:32and you fall on the floor, that's brilliant comedy.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I made you think I was a chair-maker.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I pranked you.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I'm fun, is the point I was trying to make.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I'm really fun. I... Valentine's Day this year,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I decided I was going to go to Paris all by myself,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47and that's because I'm a single woman.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49And also I don't like the term "single".
0:08:49 > 0:08:50I hate the term "single".
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I prefer the term "very, very lonely".
0:08:54 > 0:08:57The thing is, you know, I don't like that we use...
0:08:57 > 0:08:58I think being single is the default.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I don't like this whole idea that you're supposed to be in a couple.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Human beings are meant to be sold separately.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07We're not Twixes. We're Peperamis.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Whether you're in a relationship or not, you are alone.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It's that cliche, of course, that you're born alone and you die alone.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Asterisk - unless you are a conjoined twin.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21In which case, you're born with somebody else, you freakish Twix.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The only way that you're not alone is if you're one of those twins
0:09:24 > 0:09:27who grew round the other one while you were in the womb,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29but you might not even know.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32You might be sitting there thinking you're normal,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34and then one day you go for a scan and the nurse faints
0:09:34 > 0:09:37cos your tumour has hair and a face.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39There's a whole thing... You'll know this cos you see comedy,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41but you know how people do mean jokes?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43They do horrible jokes about people, and I always think no,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45jokes just shouldn't be nasty about people,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48unless they grew round their twin in the womb.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I think they deserve everything they get!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I think murdering someone by growing round them
0:09:54 > 0:09:57is one of the worst things a person can do.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59And if you did grow round your twin in the womb
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, well, this is unfair,"
0:10:02 > 0:10:05you should have thought about that before you engulfed your brother
0:10:05 > 0:10:07and kept him in your colon.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12My point was, I went to Paris.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I went to Paris on Valentine's Day, didn't I?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Because I thought, look,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19it's the most romantic city in the world on the most romantic day.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I thought it would be hilarious. I've got to write stand-up comedy.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I thought it'd be so funny. I'll be walking around weeping,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27as people point, going, "Elle est unlovable."
0:10:27 > 0:10:30And I've been to Paris before - three times -
0:10:30 > 0:10:32each time with my ex-boyfriend.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34That's where we had our three biggest rows.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37First time, because eight months into the relationship,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I found out he had a horrible secret.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40He grew round his twin in the womb.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Second time, we had a horrible argument
0:10:45 > 0:10:50because he wasn't into PDAs or PDAs.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52That is public displays of affection
0:10:52 > 0:10:55or private displays of affection.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57And the third time, we just felt an argument brewing
0:10:57 > 0:10:59and booked the Eurostar.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02So this is my first time in Paris all by myself.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05The first thing I noticed was, when you're in a couple
0:11:05 > 0:11:08you see the entire world behind their head.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10You're always looking at their lovely face.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11The world is a backdrop.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14When you take that person away, you see more world.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16So that's good.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yeah, you see more. You notice more stuff,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21like how rubbish some of the tourist attractions are.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I went up the Eiffel Tower.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26If you're not kissing someone, it's just a high-up cage.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28It's not a good day out.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31But nothing funny happened the entire time I was there,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34which was four days. Nothing funny.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38"Oh, so, Sara, why are you telling us?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Because, otherwise, that trip is not tax-deductible.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43So...
0:11:46 > 0:11:51It's awful. And you're clapping it, and it's true. It's true.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Yeah, awful things are true. Oh, can I tell you about the creepy man?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Right, this man, he waited for me after a show.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00He was in a wheelchair. This is relevant.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03He asked me if we could have a photograph taken together and...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I'm lying. He asked for a selfie,
0:12:05 > 0:12:09but I don't use that word because it's a stupid thing for idiots.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12No? Still no?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14OK, so do you like selfies?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Yeah. I just don't understand them.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I don't understand, and I'm not saying this to YOU,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22but, like, why anyone would be so openly vain and arrogant?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Not only do you have to be in every photograph,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26you don't trust somebody else to take it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I don't think it's an appropriate reaction
0:12:28 > 0:12:30to seeing something that you like.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"Oh, that's pretty. I wonder what it looks like with me obscuring it?"
0:12:35 > 0:12:36I don't understand young people
0:12:36 > 0:12:38being so confident now, wanting to...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Like, when I was at school, I wanted to cheese grate my own skin off.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44We all did. It was a horrible time.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46No-one ever wanted to be photographed or on YouTube.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49This is another word that I had to have defined for me.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51My agent said to me, "Oh, you're going round
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"to a YouTuber's house to be interviewed."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I'm like, "What is a YouTuber?"
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Oh, I now know it is a child who talks rubbish
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and is a millionaire.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07They are the future and I am the past.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And, actually, this young woman, she was lovely.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11She interviewed me in her bedroom.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I was very distracted cos her bedspread was black
0:13:14 > 0:13:16and it had a gold crest on it,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20and it looked exactly like the house crest of Slytherin.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I kept looking over, thinking, "But it can't be.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"But it really looks like it.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25"But it can't be."
0:13:25 > 0:13:28And she noticed, and she asked me why I kept looking at her bed,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30cos I think she thought I was doing like a...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36She'd heard the rumours. So I said to her, like,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"Oh, my dear, you should know your bedspread looks
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"exactly like the house crest of Slytherin.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42"You're going to scare your friends."
0:13:42 > 0:13:46And then she said to me, "Slytherin is really cool now."
0:13:46 > 0:13:49And I just got out of there as quickly as I could,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51away from her and her dark heart.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54But I couldn't stop worrying about her,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56and the next time I saw a young person...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I did a gig with a 24-year-old and I asked her, I said,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"Oh, this young girl, she said that Slytherin is cool now,"
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and the 24-year-old didn't answer me with words.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09She unbuckled, unzipped her jeans, displayed her knickers to me,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12which had the house crest of Slytherin on them.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15That is what happens under a Tory government.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Look what they've done to the children.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23By all means, be evil, but be ashamed.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You can't be proud.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26I have one thing that did happen to me,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29which did make me feel like I was very with it and youthful,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32and this is quite a saucy story.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36In January, I had emoji sex.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yeah! Which I didn't even know was a thing.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40What happened was... AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES
0:14:40 > 0:14:44You know! So, basically,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46this 27-year-old, he does comedy - very good-looking.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47He and I have never had a frisson.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Suddenly, I get a text from him, which is just emojis,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53and they are so suggestive,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and before I even know what's happening, I'm masturbating.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And... LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:01And then another message comes through,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04and it turns out that...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Well, it turns out that the original message
0:15:06 > 0:15:08had not just been for me.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12It was a round-robin that had gone out to lots of people,
0:15:12 > 0:15:13and I wasn't special.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17But what's worse is I had misread the emojis,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19and he had had his cat put down.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24And I'd got confused about the little injection
0:15:24 > 0:15:26and the pussy cat...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29..and thought he meant something completely different.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Now, the thing is, number one - how insensitive is that?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35You don't use emojis when an animal has lost his life.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39And also, it's too late. I've come, so...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I didn't say any of this to the man.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I didn't say any of this to the man. I just said, "Yes,"
0:15:47 > 0:15:49and then we did this selfie together,
0:15:49 > 0:15:50and then he said to me,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54"Would you like to see my collection of photographs with comedians?"
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"All right." And then so he's scrolling through his phone.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01He's like, "This is me with Josh Widdicombe.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"This is me with Adam Hills."
0:16:07 > 0:16:09And the next picture was of
0:16:09 > 0:16:10his erect penis...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15..which he looked up to check that I was looking at it.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oh, also, somebody asked me, and I was glad they asked...
0:16:17 > 0:16:20They were like, "How did you know it was his penis,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"if you hadn't seen it before? This could have been anyone's penis."
0:16:23 > 0:16:26The photograph had been taken in the chair, from above.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29So that's how I knew - because of the wheels.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32So he looks up to check that I'm looking at it,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36and then, "That's me with Katherine Ryan.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"That's me with Seann Walsh."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44And it was another one.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47And I was just standing there, looking.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Like, I looked at the entire album, which was eight comedians,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53four angles.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56And this has been bothering me about myself for a year.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Like, I'm supposed to be a proper grown-up now. I'm 36.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I'm supposed to be able to deal with situations like this, and I didn't.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I looked and then I just walked away.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04And I've realised that the problem is,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06what had happened is, I've, like...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I've clicked into a mode where, like, I'm, like, being nice.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Like, "Aw, I'm being nice to the man."
0:17:12 > 0:17:15And I stayed in that mode even when it wasn't appropriate any more,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17and it's wrong and it's patronising
0:17:17 > 0:17:19and it's not treating somebody as your equal.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22If he'd been able-bodied, I'd have put him in a wheelchair.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33I would like to speak to you now about a much more positive thing.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I'm going to introduce to you now a fantastic comedian.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38He is the best joke writer this country has ever created.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I think you're going to absolutely love
0:17:41 > 0:17:44the incredible Gary Delaney!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07You know when you're a kid...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10..and you go to the dentist...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13..and if you don't cry,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16they give you a badge or a sticker, yeah?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Well, I had a prostate exam today.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Just get rid of this.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Hello, Apollo. CHEERING
0:18:41 > 0:18:46You seem nice. So, my grief councillor died recently, but...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50..luckily, he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Nice to be back, though.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I had to disappoint her.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04We had sex.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Somebody over there laughing at the idea
0:19:08 > 0:19:10somebody might have asked me for sex.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Wasn't supposed to be the funny bit in that joke,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14but nice to see you again.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I'd recognise that laugh anywhere.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Only, tonight, it's slightly less hurtful.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29So I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I got a DVD - How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It was really good.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I had to fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I mean, obviously, they don't know that yet.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01The other day, a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Yeah.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Well, voyeur was the actual word that she used.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09No need to split hairs, is there? It still counts.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14but she shat on me from a great height.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I think it's sad the word "legend" has been devalued
0:20:22 > 0:20:24from pulling a sword from a stone
0:20:24 > 0:20:26to unexpectedly returning with crisps.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn't help
0:20:34 > 0:20:36cos my garden was portrait.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Every Christmas Day, we always have pigs in blankets,
0:20:44 > 0:20:45or as you probably call it,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47relatives sleeping in the spare room.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54It's tradition in our family that we always have a Christmas jumper
0:20:54 > 0:20:56and then it's my job to talk them down.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I went on a barging holiday. I haven't got a boat.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I just kept pushing people into canals.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I don't like to eat anything labelled reformed ham,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18as I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered
0:21:18 > 0:21:20after they've got their lives back on track.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27We've got two kids, Jane and Emma.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Sadly, they do both get bullied at school.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33I can't make it stop, but I can help them learn how to rise above it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36So, yesterday, I said to them, "Look, boys..."
0:21:42 > 0:21:44This morning, I made a Belgian waffle.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47In the afternoon, I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant
0:21:53 > 0:21:55in their refusal to learn foreign languages.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57At least, I think that's what he said.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04But it all just sounded like, "Haw-hee-haw.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08"Hee-haw, hee-haw."
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and our guide asked us not to try and crack one off,
0:22:14 > 0:22:15and she wasn't even that attractive.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I still managed. It was very dark.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25This morning, I went to a meeting
0:22:25 > 0:22:28of my premature ejaculators support group.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Turns out it's tomorrow.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39A couple of gentlemen there started clapping
0:22:39 > 0:22:42before the end of that joke, which is ironic.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43I do appreciate that.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Our six-year-old refuses to eat anything
0:22:46 > 0:22:48other than Alphabetti Spaghetti.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Luckily, he's dyslexic, so we just buy him normal spaghetti.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I've got the memory of an elephant.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I remember, one time, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16I was disappointed to find that Dunkirk wasn't actually a biography
0:23:16 > 0:23:17of William Shatner.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me on the bollocks.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27My mate said, "It's karma."
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I said, "No, if anything, it's even more angry."
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I tell you what always catches my eye -
0:23:37 > 0:23:38short people with umbrellas.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I put on a lot of weight, so I rang up Weight Watchers.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I said, "It's an emergency. Can you send somebody round?"
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And they said, "Yes, we can. We've got loads of them."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I was actually thrown out of Weight Watchers
0:24:06 > 0:24:08for making sarcastic comments at the weekly weigh-in.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11As you can imagine, I accepted the decision with huge grace,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13cos they threw her out as well.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21I was watching TV. The announcer said,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"There's a documentary about the clitoris on the Red Button,"
0:24:24 > 0:24:25but I couldn't find it.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36I was in a fancy lingerie shop. I said, "Are these knickers satin?"
0:24:36 > 0:24:37He said, "No, they're new."
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I didn't know what to get my little niece for Christmas,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47so I asked my sister what she's into.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Apparently, at the moment she's mad about Frozen stuff,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52so I got her some oven chips and peas.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress
0:24:59 > 0:25:01and now it's trying to blackmail me.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07As a child, I was made to walk the plank.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08We couldn't afford a dog.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I went on a positive thinking course.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17It was shit.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Knew it would be.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22And it was half-empty.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26The area in a Nando's between the front and back door
0:25:26 > 0:25:28is called the peri-perineum.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35What I like most about that joke...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39..is that people who know what a perineum is
0:25:39 > 0:25:41usually haven't heard of Nando's.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Ironically, there's only a very small overlap between the two.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50The doctor told me to lose some weight.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I said, "How?" He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I said. "What, pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
0:25:54 > 0:25:57He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Old-lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09like Lily or Elsie or Rose,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11and we wanted something like that for our daughter,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14but we couldn't decide, so in the end we just called her Nan.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20She'll grow into it.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate by giving him any post
0:26:26 > 0:26:28that's just addressed to the occupier.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37If you watch a porn film backwards,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39it's about a man who hoovers spunk off a woman...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47..then breaks her washing machine and leaves.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52We've all done it.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Friend of mine had a penis extension.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Now his house looks really stupid.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I was in a sex shop. I saw a dildo described as
0:27:04 > 0:27:05nine inches long and realistic.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I thought, "Well, which is it?"
0:27:11 > 0:27:13As a family, we couldn't decide
0:27:13 > 0:27:14whether to have Nana buried or cremated,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16so in the end we let her live.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23My grandad went down in history, and on one occasion
0:27:23 > 0:27:24fingered a girl in geography.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37thinking, "Those stupid dogs,"
0:27:37 > 0:27:39and then the bell went and we all had lunch.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Red sky at night - light of shorter wavelengths
0:27:44 > 0:27:47is being dissipated by water vapour and atmospheric dust.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Red sky in the morning - same.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween, which is...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06I thought PPI was just something you could get
0:28:06 > 0:28:08if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I got her an identical one. She was livid.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I bought a chocolate bar. On the inside of the wrapper,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27it said, "You're a loser".
0:28:27 > 0:28:30I wouldn't have minded if there had been some sort of competition on.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32To make things worse, it was a Boost.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37A Christian friend of mine said that
0:28:37 > 0:28:39sex between two men was wrong in their eyes.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42I said, "You're quite right. It's supposed to be up the bum."
0:28:48 > 0:28:51My uncle Derek was found dead with a belt round his neck
0:28:51 > 0:28:55and a dildo up his arse. At his funeral, the vicar said
0:28:55 > 0:28:58we'd always remember him for his charity work.
0:28:58 > 0:28:59Wrong.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10She died.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time
0:29:22 > 0:29:25that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32When I heard you could now be a sperm donor by post,
0:29:32 > 0:29:33I came in a jiffy.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39My girlfriend said she wanted to try some new condoms
0:29:39 > 0:29:41with something special inside to boost her pleasure.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43I said, "Oh, what's that?"
0:29:43 > 0:29:45And she said, "Other men's cocks."
0:29:52 > 0:29:55One time at a party, I chucked my car keys into a big bowl,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58and everyone just stared at me and the trifle was ruined.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04I've been trying to persuade my girlfriend
0:30:04 > 0:30:06to sexually stimulate me with her key ring,
0:30:06 > 0:30:08but she just keeps fobbing me off.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16You've been lovely. I've been Gary Delaney. Thank you and goodnight. Bye-bye.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Give it up for Gary Delaney!
0:30:24 > 0:30:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:28 > 0:30:30I'm going to introduce to you another comedian now.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32I've gigged with him several times and every time,
0:30:32 > 0:30:34I've been so impressed with his wit and his energy.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36If you haven't seen him before, I'm so excited for you
0:30:36 > 0:30:38that you're going to get to see him now.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42Can you please go absolutely wild and crazy for Larry Dean?
0:30:42 > 0:30:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:54 > 0:30:57GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: Thank you very much. Hello.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Oh, it is a pleasure to be here.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04I'm not from round here.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07If you're trying to place my accent,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10I'm from the EU.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19Well, it's good to be in London Town, man. I'm from Glasgow.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24It means I'm friendly, cos we're very friendly in Glasgow.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Although we're a scary friendly.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30We'll give you directions, but we'll follow you
0:31:30 > 0:31:32to make sure that you've done them correctly.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37It's a bit strange coming back down here,
0:31:37 > 0:31:40ever since the EU referendum.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44Cos since Scotland voted to stay and England voted to leave,
0:31:44 > 0:31:50Scottish people feel as if they've got a moral high ground.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Have I pronounced that correctly?
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Cos we've never had one of them before in Scotland.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02It's so weird. On the day of the vote, we were like,
0:32:02 > 0:32:05"Oh, we've won, because we've lost.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08"That's the most Scottish thing we've ever done."
0:32:09 > 0:32:11And ever since, it seemed like afterwards
0:32:11 > 0:32:13that England was becoming more right-wing,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16so Scotland started becoming more left-wing.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19It was as if Scottish people had gone, "What,
0:32:19 > 0:32:22"England's being racist?
0:32:22 > 0:32:25"Oh, no, we're not doing that any more, guys. No.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30"If England's doing it, we are not doing that."
0:32:31 > 0:32:33It's making Scottish people better people.
0:32:33 > 0:32:38As soon as England shows any racism, Scottish people are like,
0:32:38 > 0:32:41"Oh, no, what you on about? We love foreigners here.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47"Judging somebody based on a religion?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50"No, we've never done that either. No."
0:32:55 > 0:32:57It wasn't my first thought, though, after Brexit.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Cos I thought... Like a lot of Remain voters,
0:32:59 > 0:33:01I thought, "I'm moving. I'm going to move."
0:33:01 > 0:33:03And I thought, "I'm going to move to Australia,
0:33:03 > 0:33:05"cos if I've got to live on a racist island,
0:33:05 > 0:33:06"it may as well be sunny."
0:33:06 > 0:33:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Thank you very much. I would have...
0:33:16 > 0:33:18It would have been bad to move, man, though,
0:33:18 > 0:33:20cos I do like living here and that.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22And also, I'd have missed my family too much.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25I moved back in with my parents about a year ago
0:33:25 > 0:33:27cos I got out of a relationship.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29You don't really move back in
0:33:29 > 0:33:31with your parents for a good reason, do you?
0:33:31 > 0:33:33It's not, "Oh, I got a promotion at work
0:33:33 > 0:33:36"so I thought Mummy and Daddy could do with some company."
0:33:38 > 0:33:41It's usually... It's either emotional issues
0:33:41 > 0:33:42or financial issues.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45My dad called mine the double whammy.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48As soon as I moved back in with them, I thought,
0:33:48 > 0:33:51"I've got to start dating again. I need an out plan, right?"
0:33:51 > 0:33:53On my first date back, I was terrified, right?
0:33:53 > 0:33:57It didn't help that the guy was a bit weird.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01Oh, yeah, guy. I'm a gay person. Key change!
0:34:01 > 0:34:04# Here we go, sisters! #
0:34:10 > 0:34:13That's right. I'm a sodomite.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Nothing more scary than a Glaswegian gay man.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19"I'm gonnae bum you."
0:34:25 > 0:34:28Sorry, mate. You're a heterosexual?
0:34:28 > 0:34:31Yeah, a nod of the head there. DEEP VOICE: "Yes, I love the vulva."
0:34:33 > 0:34:36I don't know why I had to change my voice for that.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39DEEP VOICE: "Yes, I love the vulva. Larry Dean, BBC News, I'm very gay."
0:34:41 > 0:34:43This is my favourite bit of any gig, man.
0:34:43 > 0:34:44I love this bit. It's so much fun.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Cos I'm just looking at all the straight men in the room
0:34:47 > 0:34:51looking at me going, "Hold on, he's gay?
0:34:51 > 0:34:54"He doesn't look gay. I don't look gay.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56"Maybe I'm gay."
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Actually, to be honest, I don't even like the word gay.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09I'm not a fan of the word gay, cos the word gay gets used quite derogatory sometimes.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11People are like, "Oh, that's gay. I don't like that. That's gay."
0:35:11 > 0:35:13In Scotland, we don't even need to use that word.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17In Scotland, we can describe somebody as a homosexual
0:35:17 > 0:35:21by using any noun in the English language.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24"What? Is he a blueberry, aye?"
0:35:27 > 0:35:30"See that guy? I thought, 'He's a lava lamp.'"
0:35:37 > 0:35:40I found this out when I was having an argument with my dad, right?
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Cos I could see my dad wanted to call me a big Jessie,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46but I could see him thinking, "I don't know if that's homophobic now, actually."
0:35:46 > 0:35:50So my dad went, "Ah, get lost, you big...
0:35:50 > 0:35:51"duvet."
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Any other gay people in? Any gays in?
0:35:59 > 0:36:00CHEERING
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Mainly cordoned over there for some reason, man.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05"This is our safe space over here. We'll be fine."
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Took me a while to come to terms with it, man.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Cos I was... For a while, I was considering going to
0:36:10 > 0:36:14one of those Pray the Gay Away camps.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16No matter what you think of Pray the Gay Away camps,
0:36:16 > 0:36:18it's a really catchy name they've got.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22They couldn't have made it sound any more gay.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25It's like, "Oh, are you going to pray the gay away? Not today, but OK."
0:36:28 > 0:36:32Isn't it weird that if the word gay didn't rhyme with everything,
0:36:32 > 0:36:35they wouldn't be able to have camps for it?
0:36:35 > 0:36:38If the word gay was like a word that had no rhyme, like the word orange,
0:36:38 > 0:36:40there'd be no such thing as the camps.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Oh, so, if gay people were called orange,
0:36:42 > 0:36:45we'd get a lot more Pride parades in Scotland than Northern Ireland.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54But at these Pray the Gay Away camps, right,
0:36:54 > 0:36:57it's so weird, man. And you can look this up when you go home, I swear, right?
0:36:57 > 0:36:59At a Pray the Gay Away camp,
0:36:59 > 0:37:03what they do is they measure you using a Kinsey scale,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06which is a scale of one to six
0:37:06 > 0:37:08of how gay you are.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Who measures anything one to six?
0:37:15 > 0:37:19It's either one to five or one to ten.
0:37:19 > 0:37:24What must have happened is it was originally one to five...
0:37:27 > 0:37:31..and somebody's turned up and they were just so gay.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39"Oh, my God. He's a six!
0:37:42 > 0:37:44"It truly is a number of the beast."
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Just some guy looking like an inflatable man
0:37:49 > 0:37:51outside a car dealership.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02I tried to be one of them. I tried to be a level-sixer.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06I tried to be a level-six strawberry cheesecake.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Cos I did, man. Cos I like... I love like...
0:38:08 > 0:38:11I thought, "I'll try and be camp." Right? Cos it's easy...
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Cos I thought, "Oh, if I'm camp, then people will know already."
0:38:14 > 0:38:17So, I wanted to tell people, you know what I mean? Cos sometimes you assume.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20So, I tried to be a level-six strawberry cheesecake, right?
0:38:20 > 0:38:25So, I started, like, going around with my wrist down and...
0:38:25 > 0:38:27I know I don't look camp. I just look ill.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33I did that for a while, though, and I got to go to Disneyland for free,
0:38:33 > 0:38:34so it wasn't all bad.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40But nobody thought I was gay, right?
0:38:40 > 0:38:43So, I started putting my bum out, as well.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47That's not a problem. If I was camp, I would just look like a dinosaur.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Just walking down the road like that.
0:38:53 > 0:38:59"Ooh, there's a sale on." HE SCREECHES
0:39:06 > 0:39:09HE SCREECHES
0:39:18 > 0:39:22Sorry, pal. Sorry, man. You all right? Sorry, buddy.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27You're all right, mate. You're a hetero-saur! Hey!
0:39:31 > 0:39:34I'll make him a mega-saur-arse. Wahay!
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Just saying, "I'm a postman, not a postbox."
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Oh, man, what a lovely reaction that was.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Some people laughing, others going, "What the hell does he mean?"
0:39:58 > 0:40:00How I deliver the mail, hey-hey!
0:40:01 > 0:40:03I'm terrified of that, though, man.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07I'm so scared of anything going near my bum.
0:40:10 > 0:40:11Goodnight.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Honestly, I'm so scared of it.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22I'm what gay people call "selfish".
0:40:23 > 0:40:25But I had to... Oh, I didn't know this, by the way.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum and...
0:40:31 > 0:40:35That's the sound of women who trim their fingernails.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38But I didn't... I genuinely had no idea.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum
0:40:41 > 0:40:43when they're getting a blowjob.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46That's like trying to get the last drop out of a Frube.
0:40:57 > 0:40:58But I didn't know, man.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01And also, like, cos I am genuinely scared of it,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04and I had to go to the doctors for a prostate examination.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06A prostate examination, if you don't know,
0:41:06 > 0:41:09is a finger up the bum by a doctor.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Backwards, obviously. Like he's scared of doing it.
0:41:14 > 0:41:15"Here we go.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20"Why did I work hard in school?"
0:41:22 > 0:41:25So that then my doctor's an ancient Egyptian.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32And I was so freaked out about it happening, right?
0:41:32 > 0:41:34But my doctor's a nice guy, and he's going,
0:41:34 > 0:41:37"Calm down, Larry. It's a normal procedure.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39"Just calm down."
0:41:39 > 0:41:42And the doctor doesn't realise I'm so scared,
0:41:42 > 0:41:44I'm not even looking at his face.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48I'm just staring at his hands cos my doctor looks as if
0:41:48 > 0:41:52he went to medical school on a basketball scholarship.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59He's going to pick my nose while he's in there.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06Either that or he's going to lift me up and spin me round for a bit.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14So eventually the doctor got me to lean over,
0:42:14 > 0:42:17cos Dr Jordan is stronger than me.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25So I was leaning over, and I was shivering with fear,
0:42:25 > 0:42:27and the doctor put his finger up there.
0:42:27 > 0:42:31I was so scared that when he did that
0:42:31 > 0:42:33I actually fainted.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38For the doctor that must have been like resetting a Tamagotchi.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48It's great. I found out I've got a snooze button in there.
0:42:54 > 0:42:55Perfect for holidays.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58"Five hours to Tenerife. What am I going to do on this flight?
0:42:58 > 0:42:59"Oh, actually..."
0:43:04 > 0:43:06Folks, you've been absolutely lovely.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08It's been a dream come true for me. I've been Larry Dean.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11Enjoy the rest of the night. Take care. Cheers. Thank you.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:19How good is Larry Dean? CHEERING
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Please give it up for Gary Delaney, Larry Dean.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23You've been an incredible audience.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26I hope you've enjoyed your night. I'm Sara Pascoe. Goodnight!