0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Nish Kumar!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Yes.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live at the Apollo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46How are you? Are you all right? CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Great to see you.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Nice to be here.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51My name is Nish Kumar.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I'm about to do some comedy for you and I'm a comedian,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56so that's very convenient, right?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59So let's start with a question.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Is anyone here on their own?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04No-one ever says yes to that question.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I asked that at a gig and there was a man sat with five empty seats
0:01:07 > 0:01:09around him and I said, "Is anybody here on their own?"
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And he just went, "No.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13"You don't know, maybe they're on their way.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15"Maybe you can't see them, right?"
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Now, the reason I ask is - I go and watch comedy on my own all the time.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Now, what I have found is that I can't go
0:01:21 > 0:01:24and watch music on my own because it turns out people enjoy music
0:01:24 > 0:01:28in a variety of different ways and I enjoy it in a way no-one likes.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Right? When I was 18, I went to see a couple of gigs on my own.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34The reason for this is that when I was at school, I liked old bands.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I still like old bands now, but when I was at school, I only liked old bands.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40But it was fine, because at school, I had two friends, Ollie and
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Andy, they liked old bands as well
0:01:41 > 0:01:44so we would go to gigs together, we would go back to Andy's house
0:01:44 > 0:01:46and listen to original Neil Young vinyls.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Occasionally somebody would say, "Should we talk to girls?"
0:01:49 > 0:01:52And the other two would be like, "No, no, no."
0:01:52 > 0:01:56These Nina Simone reissues are not going to listen to themselves.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It was great, because we were a little gang.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Then I left school and I went to university in a different
0:02:00 > 0:02:01part of the country to Ollie and Andy.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04And I wound up at university with a group of friends who I still
0:02:04 > 0:02:06continue to love dearly to this day,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08but who had a very different taste in music to me.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12So I experimented with the idea of going and watching a gig on my own.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Now, the first one I went to see was David Bowie.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Dearly departed David Bowie. CHEERING
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Absolutely. And I was so excited.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I had got there early and there was a guy who was also on his own,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24sat two rows in front of me. This man was wearing a Lou Reed T-shirt.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27It was the album cover from Lou Reed's Transformer album
0:02:27 > 0:02:30which was his second solo album after he left The Velvet Underground
0:02:30 > 0:02:32and was co-produced by Mick Ronson and David Bowie.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What's that? Yes, I was a 19-year-old virgin, right?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And I saw this guy and I thought,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40"This guy likes David Bowie, Lou Reed and no friends.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"So clearly, he and I are destined to be together."
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Right? And the gig starts and we get
0:02:44 > 0:02:48about an hour in and Bowie was amazing. He was so great.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50His voice was impeccable.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51He played a bunch of songs that I
0:02:51 > 0:02:53loved and hadn't expected to hear live.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And the other thing you need to know about me is,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I love David Bowie but I also come from the same terrible
0:02:57 > 0:03:01South London-Kent border shithole that he comes from.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Look, I was having a great time, OK?
0:03:04 > 0:03:09I need you to know that before I tell you what happened.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I was excited, my blood was up. So Bowie finishes his song.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16He goes to the front of the stage to introduce his next song.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19He says, "This next song is not actually one of mine.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21"This next song is a cover of a song by one of my favourite groups
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"of all time, The Velvet Underground.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"This song was written by my very good friend, Mr Lou Reed."
0:03:26 > 0:03:31And when David Bowie said that, I stood up and went, "Whoo!"
0:03:31 > 0:03:35And 5,000 people turned around to stare at me.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Including this guy in the Lou Reed T-shirt.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I was like, how are you not excited by that?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45You clearly like David Bowie, you've made me look like an arsehole, mate.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And what I wanted to say to him was,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"Why don't you allow yourself to be happy?"
0:03:49 > 0:03:51This is an objectively wonderful moment for you.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53The guy you have paid to see
0:03:53 > 0:03:55is about to do a song by the guy on your T-shirt.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56I felt like taking him aside and saying,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59"Look, sir, if you can't be happy now, then you'll never be happy."
0:03:59 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Now, if I had said that, it would have been fine.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Because what I did say was this...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07"Hey! Fuck you, Lou Reed!"
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Which was unfair,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19cos it was not Lou Reed's fault.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25He was not even tangentially to blame, if I'm honest.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28It's great to be at the Apollo.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Especially for me, because I'm a David Bowie fan.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33David Bowie did a lot of amazing gigs in this venue,
0:04:33 > 0:04:34it's very exciting for me.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was David Bowie.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I was obsessed with him, like, I really loved him so much.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And now I'm 32 years old and I still love Bowie's music,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45but I think it was really hard to be David Bowie.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I think there was a lot of scrutiny on someone like him.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50People like Bowie and Dylan and Hendrix, all these people that
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I grew up loving, there was a lot of pressure on them.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I don't think I want to live under that kind of pressure or scrutiny.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I have realised that the musician I want to be is
0:04:59 > 0:05:01the drummer from Coldplay.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I want to be the drummer from Coldplay so badly because that
0:05:08 > 0:05:12dude is rich as shit and no-one knows who the fuck he is.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:18 > 0:05:22No-one knows who the drummer from Coldplay is.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23He could be here and no-one would know.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26It could be you, it could be you, it could be you.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I'm not sure it's an Indian woman, but it could be.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29We don't know.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35I'm obsessed with the idea that this guy has the best life in the world.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38And I was telling my friend about this and she tried to tell me
0:05:38 > 0:05:40something that she was trying to portray as a bad thing.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Apparently, he loves Game Of Thrones so he said to HBO,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"Can I be in Game Of Thrones?" and they were, like, "Yeah, man,
0:05:45 > 0:05:46"you are, like, the drummer from Coldplay.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"You can do literally anything you want.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49"We'll restart the Sopranos
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"if that is something that will make you happy, right?"
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Now, he is in Game Of Thrones.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Confession time, I don't watch Game Of Thrones.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59But even I know The Red Wedding is an important
0:05:59 > 0:06:02episode of Game Of Thrones, right?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03He is in The Red Wedding.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Guess what he is doing in The Red Wedding?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09He is the drummer in the wedding band.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14That is the extent to which this guy's anonymity is
0:06:14 > 0:06:16a borderline superpower.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20He is in the most famous episode of one of the most popular television
0:06:20 > 0:06:26shows in the world doing the thing he is famous for and no-one noticed.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36That is Keyser Soze shit.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And my friend was telling me that she
0:06:40 > 0:06:43read a supposedly embarrassing story that one of the actors told.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46One of the actors said that when they were shooting The Red Wedding,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49he was making small talk with the extras and he got round
0:06:49 > 0:06:52to the drummer from Coldplay and said, "Are you a full-time extra?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And the guy was like, "No, I'm a musician. "
0:06:55 > 0:06:58So he said, to the drummer from Coldplay,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"Played on anything I might have heard of?"
0:07:01 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:05To which the drummer from Coldplay was presumably like,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"Have you heard of all music?"
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Because I'm basically the drummer on all music.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14And my friend tried to tell me this like this was a sad thing.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16She was like, oh, this guy is in Coldplay,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18but no-one knows that he's in Coldplay.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Isn't that sad? No.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Because the problem with being in Coldplay
0:07:22 > 0:07:24is that people hate Coldplay.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30People hate Coldplay so much and the people who hate Coldplay
0:07:30 > 0:07:32don't say things like, "Oh, it's not to my taste."
0:07:32 > 0:07:35They say things like this, "I hate Coldplay!"
0:07:35 > 0:07:40But what you mean when you say that is, "I hate Chris Martin."
0:07:40 > 0:07:44No-one is angry with the drummer from Coldplay.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47No-one has ever been like, "Oh, the drummer from Coldplay!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"He ruined my life!"
0:07:52 > 0:07:54And I know what you're thinking.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55You're thinking, "Nish,
0:07:55 > 0:08:00"why are you so obsessed with the drummer from Coldplay?"
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"There's two other people in that band.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06We don't know anything about them, either.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08And you know what? You're right.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10There is a guitar player and a bassist in Coldplay.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I wouldn't know them even if they were here.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I assume it's you two, but only because you're sat next to her and I spoke to her already.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18That's all I've got to go on at this point.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20They have the exact same life as the drummer.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Because I did a bit of research into this.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Turns out Coldplay are one of those bands where they split the royalties equally.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29So they have the exact same life as the drummer apart from one detail.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32They have the exact same life as the drummer, they have the same level
0:08:32 > 0:08:35of wealth, access and anonymity but, crucially,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37the drummer is sat down.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And that is the dream.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:08:55 > 0:08:58It's really great to be here because it's an amazing venue.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01It's also very close to my house. Oh, my God! I live...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03I'm from West London, I live in Shepherd's Bush.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I've not lived there for very long and I really like it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06It's really nice.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09And when I first moved there, the estate agent I rent a flat from
0:09:09 > 0:09:14said, "Hey, this is a great time for you to be moving to Shepherd's Bush." And I said, "Why?"
0:09:14 > 0:09:18And he said, "Well, the area has been recently gentrified."
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Now, listen, fair play. I did not know what that meant.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25So I looked it up.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29It turns out what it means is, it is now safe for white people.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:35So come on down to Shepherd's Bush, whiteys,
0:09:35 > 0:09:36we'll have a great old time!
0:09:38 > 0:09:39We've got all the stuff you like, tea...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Yeah, all the stuff!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Of course that's not what gentrification means.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I know what it means, I'm a very clever boy.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Gentrification is when people are priced out of an area by a rising
0:09:52 > 0:09:54costs of living so they move to an adjacent area but in doing
0:09:54 > 0:09:57so, raise the cost of living for people who already live there.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00It's a phenomenon that in the last few years has occasionally
0:10:00 > 0:10:02been referred to as white flight, because the people moving tend
0:10:02 > 0:10:05to be white and the areas they are moving into tend to be non-white.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And as such, it's a double-edged sword for your friend Nish Kumar.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Because my parents are Indian and middle-class.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15So gentrification is essentially the replacement of people I'm related to
0:10:15 > 0:10:18by people I went to university with. So it's like...
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Bye-bye uncle and auntie, but hello, Geoffrey!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26See you down the pub for some craft beer!
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Probably got a lot of Indian pale ales, just no Indians.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Gentrification is a subject that arouses very strong,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42serious emotions all over the world.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44There have been massive anti-gentrification protests
0:10:44 > 0:10:45over the last couple of years.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47You might remember that a couple of years ago there was
0:10:47 > 0:10:51one in east London in Bethnal Green conducted by a group called Class War.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52A lot of the focus turned out to be
0:10:52 > 0:10:54a shop called the Cereal Killer Cafe.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Which is a cafe where people sell bowls of cereal in milk for £6 to...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01..morons, presumably.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It's an exclusively moron clientele.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Now, a lot of these protests claim to be protesting against
0:11:07 > 0:11:10something that they either call the gentrification
0:11:10 > 0:11:13or the hipsterification of certain cities.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Hipsterification is used as a synonym for gentrification
0:11:16 > 0:11:18and hipsters get the blame for gentrification.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Now, I don't think that's fair and, ultimately, I think it's counter-productive.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Firstly, what is a hipster?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It's just the collective noun we have given to people
0:11:25 > 0:11:27who conform to what is currently trendy. Every generation has them.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30In the '60s they were hippies, in the '70s they were punks,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32in the '80s they were New Romantics.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Hipsters are just our version of that thing.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37And we all know what I mean when I say what is currently trendy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39It's restaurants where the menu is on a board
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and there is no currency printed so you have to be like,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44"Oh, I'll have poached eggs for eight...
0:11:44 > 0:11:45"..money, I guess."
0:11:48 > 0:11:50In clothing terms,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52it's the juxtaposition of the mundane with the ostentatious.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56So you wear a plaid shirt but you have a face tattoo of a dog
0:11:56 > 0:11:58high-fiving a unicorn or some nonsense.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Earlier this year,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I went to the most hipster shop I've ever been in in my entire life.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07All it sold was notebooks with old maps on them.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Who needs that?! No-one!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Anyway, I was in there buying five,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13because I'm very much part of the problem.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20It's also the trend for men to have very ornately crafted facial hair.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Have you seen these guys with the twirly moustaches?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Have you seen them? Yeah?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Fine, as long as they are not white men.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Because those moustaches make white men
0:12:28 > 0:12:31look like Victorian Englishmen which is not ideal.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I cannot tell you the number of times
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I have had to order a coffee from a man whose facial hair
0:12:36 > 0:12:38looks like it colonised my ancestors.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:49The guy's like, "Do you want something with your coffee?"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52And I'm like, "Yeah, a piece of banana bread and something else, what is it?
0:12:52 > 0:12:57"Oh, I know, an apology for the Amritsar massacre, thank you!"
0:12:57 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Now, taken in isolation, it's fine
0:13:02 > 0:13:05to think that all of these things are ridiculous.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Because, clearly, they are.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09But what I would say about hipster culture
0:13:09 > 0:13:11is that it is silly but it is not malicious.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I would say that what was trendy
0:13:13 > 0:13:15when I was growing up was much more inherently malicious.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Because I grew up in England in the 1990s
0:13:17 > 0:13:21and what was trendy then was, lads! Lads! Lads, lads, lads! Lads, mate!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I mean, we went to Eton and Oxford,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26but we are a bunch of absolute lads.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Now, lad culture was everywhere in the '90s.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31In our books, our movies, our music. And a lot of it was harmless.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36But by its very nature, lad culture celebrated the male over the female.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38So it came with an inherent portion of misogyny.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Now, some of that misogyny was ironic,
0:13:40 > 0:13:42but we all know what ironic misogyny is.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It's just misogyny and then at the end, someone goes..."hmm?"
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Like that. It's just... LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:49..bourgeois misogyny, right?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50And lad culture did so much weird stuff.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Like the prevalence of lads mags,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55loudly proclaiming that women's only value was as sex objects.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Right? It's insane.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And if you want any evidence of the extent to which women were
0:13:59 > 0:14:01second-class citizens in lad culture,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04what was the name we gave to women who participated in it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05- AUDIENCE:- Ladettes.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Ladettes! That's right. They didn't even get their own name.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10That's messed up.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12That's as messed up as the fact that Nigel Lawson
0:14:12 > 0:14:14named his daughter Nigella.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18A fact which we do not talk about often enough.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23How truly weird it is that Nigel Lawson had a baby girl
0:14:23 > 0:14:25and thought, "I shall name her Nigella.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31"Oh, she's like a little me."
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Go to jail, you weird man.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Now, the caveat I always have to put on this
0:14:38 > 0:14:40piece of material is that the 1990s has passed and as such,
0:14:40 > 0:14:44we have had a decade and a half to make a considered value judgment
0:14:44 > 0:14:48over the events of the 1990s and think about what was good and bad.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Maybe in 15, 16 years' time, it'll turn out that hipster culture
0:14:50 > 0:14:53was really awful and was responsible for gentrification.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54We don't have that kind of perspective.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56That's the caveat I have to put on it.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Because there is lots of stuff that happened in the
0:14:58 > 0:15:01'90s that we now have a completely different opinion on.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Like, the North American Free Trade Agreement,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05that turned out to be a geopolitical disaster.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Tracksuits, very flammable.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:11And we now know that the Spice Girls
0:15:11 > 0:15:14were an incredibly malicious influence on our culture.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Did a huge amount of damage to the way we see...
0:15:16 > 0:15:19BOOING Whoa.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's turned the atmosphere. LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:24The Spice Girls were awful.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27BOOING AND WHOOPING
0:15:27 > 0:15:30What? Wait, did you have different Spice Girls?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Ziggy-zig-ah, the Spice Girls?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36WHOOPING The Spice...
0:15:36 > 0:15:40CHEERING Are you kidding me?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43They had one black member and she was called Scary!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:48And then they used to dress her
0:15:48 > 0:15:51in leopard-print robes like Kunta Kinte.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55And make her stand next to Geri Halliwell in a Union flag
0:15:55 > 0:15:58minidress like an English Defence League wet dream.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And they used to make her do raps, even though
0:16:10 > 0:16:12she had no talent at rapping whatsoever.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14They just assumed she could do it.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15That's like somebody coming up to me
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and assuming I can prescribe penicillin.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Someone came up to me after one of the shows and said,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27"As an intersexualist feminist of African descent,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"I have very mixed feelings about your Spice Girls joke."
0:16:29 > 0:16:32And you know what that means? It means I have found my audience.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34There are...not many of them,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37but the ones that are turning out are high-value indeed.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40And here is what I feel.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I feel if you blame hipsters for gentrification,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45you are letting the real culprits off the hook.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Because gentrification is a really serious social problem.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49It is changing the nature of our cities
0:16:49 > 0:16:53and driving people out of homes they have lived in for 35, 40 years.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56But it is the result of decades of bad housing policy.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58So why not be angry with the people responsible for that policy?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Don't be angry with hipsters, be angry with property developers
0:17:01 > 0:17:04that fail to meet their targets for affordable housing.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Be angry with politicians that fail to hold them to account.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Be angry with the local authority less than two miles
0:17:10 > 0:17:12away from where we are right now who ignored repeated
0:17:12 > 0:17:18warnings about fire safety in their tower blocks until it was too late.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20CHEERING Be angry with those people.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Not the concept of smashed avocado or some arsehole riding
0:17:24 > 0:17:27a penny-farthing as a substitute for having a personality.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35I'm very clever.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my first guest of this evening?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46CHEERING
0:17:46 > 0:17:47I know two things about him.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50One, I absolutely love him.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53And number two, he is one of the greatest comedians in the world.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof of the Hammersmith Apollo
0:17:57 > 0:18:01and welcome to the stage David O'Doherty!
0:18:01 > 0:18:02CHEERING
0:18:02 > 0:18:07MUSIC: Orinoco Flow by Enya
0:18:07 > 0:18:14CHEERING
0:18:14 > 0:18:16All right! Thank you, Enya.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Let's do this shit.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23My name is David. Some of you will know me from my comedy.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You all know my graffiti. You'll know my tag.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29I do two parallel yellow lines beside the path.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And the great thing is that motorists really respect my work.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35OK, we're in.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Shout-out to my sponsors this evening for this gig.
0:18:38 > 0:18:43My sponsors are lasagne, or as I call it, meat Viennetta...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:48And the French soft drink Orangina.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51It would sell a lot less if it was pronounced orange-eye-na.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53# It would sell virtually none. #
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Big gig, you guys.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Big... I've made the supreme commitment to this gig.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Check it out. Fresh batteries!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06CHEERING Argos. Went to Argos.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And if you don't go to Argos very often, you forget.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Argos is sort of like a shop but much more like a bookies.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17That must have been the original concept.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20You go in and you study the form and you're like, I'm going
0:19:20 > 0:19:22to take a punt on that and you fill in the little docket with
0:19:22 > 0:19:25the tiny pencil, you go up to the counter and go,
0:19:25 > 0:19:26"Can I have a tenner on that, please?"
0:19:26 > 0:19:29And he's like, "Best of luck, go up to the big screen."
0:19:29 > 0:19:30And you're like, "Come on, 362!"
0:19:30 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Take it home to Papa!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42# If Findus, the frozen food brand, had a Facebook page
0:19:42 > 0:19:45# They can legitimately say, Findus on Facebook. #
0:19:48 > 0:19:54# Serena Williams' nickname should be Tennessee Williams. #
0:19:54 > 0:19:57That's the best joke I never come up with. # I mean, it's fine.#
0:19:57 > 0:19:58LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:00# How do you contact dead single ladies?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02# You have a se-YONCE. #
0:20:02 > 0:20:06OK... Look, all I want from this...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I just want to be a one-name entertainer.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I want you to be able to say, "Oh, we saw David last night,"
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and everyone will know who you're talking about, you know?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16There's no doubt with Beyonce.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Your mother's never like, "Who? Beyonce O'Laughlin?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:24The problem is all the other Davids who are more famous than me,
0:20:24 > 0:20:25there's billions of them.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28So I'm dedicating the next six months of my life...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31# I'm going to murder all of the Davids who are more famous than me. #
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Name a David who's more famous than me,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I'm going to tell you how I'm going to murder them, OK? Go.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39AUDIENCE SHOUT NAMES Down at the front, what are you saying?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40David Attenborough? David Atten...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43# You absolute prick! #
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Murder David Attenborough?!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47That is the worst shit anyone's ever said!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Twisted mind. It would be quite easy...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53# Cos he's about 300. #
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I might just make it look like a lion did it, so people will be
0:20:56 > 0:20:58like "Oh, he died as he would have wanted..."
0:20:58 > 0:21:00# Murdered by a lion. #
0:21:00 > 0:21:04David Cameron. There's two options there.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06One is a referendum or the other is...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09# Crushed to death by a pig. #
0:21:13 > 0:21:15We'll take a...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17couple more Davids.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20AUDIENCE SHOUT NAMES
0:21:20 > 0:21:23David Blaine. David Blaine, that's quite an obscure David.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I mean, with a magician, what, do you just, like,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27# You lock him in a cupboard for a year,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29# Well, that trick didn't work. #
0:21:32 > 0:21:34David Beckham.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37# Bend him into an unconventional position. #
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Craig David is the trickiest. Still technically a David, you know?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45With him, it's a medium-term plan.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47With Craig David, I think I'd meet him for, like, a drink,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50just early in the week.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53And then we'd be making love for several days...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# And then kill him on Sunday. #
0:21:56 > 0:21:59OK. Let's go. Thank you.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Look at that. I look incredible, thank you.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10If I can just give you... It's difficult for me to stay in shape,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12because my favourite food is...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I like gluten with trans fats on it and... LAUGHTER
0:22:15 > 0:22:19I like to eat it like I'm angrily throwing laundry down a flight of stairs,
0:22:19 > 0:22:20you know... LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:23It's about small achievable health goals.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27This year I did No Lilt February. Thank you.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32I know, it sounds impossible, but you take it one day at a time.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Did I have any today? No. You're a legend.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38It gets hard around the middle of the month. You get the cravings.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39It's called "Lilt guilt".
0:22:39 > 0:22:42You're like, "Oh, I'd bloody love some Lilt."
0:22:42 > 0:22:45That's the night, when you go to the shop at midnight, kick the doors, "Where's the Lilt?!"
0:22:45 > 0:22:48They're like, "We don't stock it any more." You're like, "Argh!"
0:22:48 > 0:22:50So you try and make your own hooch Lilt, you know, you get
0:22:50 > 0:22:54a pineapple and a grapefruit and you add in batteries and a horse's head,
0:22:54 > 0:22:55and you're like...
0:22:55 > 0:22:59"It's good, but it's not totally tropical." LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Did that joke in America recently, turns out...
0:23:01 > 0:23:06# They don't have Lilt! Hey! # So...
0:23:06 > 0:23:08This is it. This is all I do.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Imagine if this was your actual...
0:23:10 > 0:23:14This...I go like, "Blah, blah, blah," and you go, "Ha-ha-ha, money."
0:23:14 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I can't believe I get away with it. You do actual proper London jobs.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23You know, like blacksmith, you know?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Farrier.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Brunch DJ. The big three. LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I tell you who I do not trust, people who work in offices.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I know, right? What are they doing? Nothing takes that long.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40They're planning something. They must be. Do you know how you know?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Do you ever call in to visit your friend in an office unexpectedly?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Everyone just shits themselves.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46They're like, "What's he doing here?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:50"Cover the screen! Lie across the spreadsheets! Get him out!
0:23:50 > 0:23:54"Kind regards, warm regards, best, best," that's how they talk.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I've seen the e-mail. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Hey, I know what it's like in the real world.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Look, sometimes I check into your world, "Oh, gross, back to showbiz."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09It's... No. LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I'm very self-aware of the level of fame that I have.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16I was in a supermarket recently, and an older lady came up to me and she
0:24:16 > 0:24:19put her hands on my shoulders and she said,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21"You are vaguely familiar." LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And that is it.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I did a gig in Wrexham, and I was at an ATM machine, and a guy cycled by
0:24:27 > 0:24:31and he shouted at me, "Surprised to see you at an ATM machine!"
0:24:31 > 0:24:33And I've been obsessed with it since then.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36What did he mean?!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39On the one hand, is he surprised I don't have a butler to go to the ATM
0:24:39 > 0:24:42machine for me? No, I think it's the opposite.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44"I'm surprised you have any money whatsoever,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48"doing this keyboard horseshit." LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Here's my greatest ever showbiz tale.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I did a gig in your Milton Keynes recently. Thank you.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56And I was staying in the Milton Keynes Hilton.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01And she is the least well-known of all the Hilton sisters. LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:04And I checked in after the gig, like, 12:30.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Room 303 is where this took place.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Open the door, TV on in the room.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Not that uncommon in the chain hotels.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I guess it's to welcome you. But get this...
0:25:15 > 0:25:19on the TV is me,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23playing the shitty keyboard on some show! LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Immediate thought is, like,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28"Is this a service they provide to all guests? If so..."
0:25:28 > 0:25:32No, it's the realisation, "This is it! I've arrived!!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36And I waltz into the room, down the little corridor with the loo away to
0:25:36 > 0:25:41the left, and as the room opens out, there is a fully naked man
0:25:41 > 0:25:44lying on the bed! LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48So they've given me the key to someone else's room,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and he is lying there, watching ME...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:58..on the TV! And he looks up...
0:25:58 > 0:26:02and he sees ME! LAUGHTER
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I wish I'd had the wit to think of something smart.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07What I say is like, "Oh, shit, sorry about that."
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I could have said anything and I'd be a legend.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I could've been like, "Oh, hey, are you enjoying this? Ah, no boner,"
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and just walked out and been... LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I know, there is some money in the room this evening,
0:26:21 > 0:26:24so I'll just, before you go on, I'll just pitch you
0:26:24 > 0:26:28a few app ideas, if anyone's got a couple of spare mill.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30App idea one - Creme Brulapp.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Now that is the world's first creme-brulee-themed app.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35It doesn't do anything except
0:26:35 > 0:26:38when you touch the screen of your phone, it goes...squish.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41OK, so that's app idea one. LAUGHTER
0:26:41 > 0:26:45App idea two - Yodelr. Now that is similar to Grindr,
0:26:45 > 0:26:50but it tells you about Swiss people in the vicinity. LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:54What Is App. Now that is similar to the already popular WhatsApp.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58What Is App is more formal, do you know what I mean?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01No abbreviations allowed.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Fartzam's the big one. Fartzam is similar to Shazam,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07do you know the app that can identify whatever song is playing?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It's the same principle with Fartzam.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12You walk into a room, there's an unclaimed fart cloud
0:27:12 > 0:27:14within the room.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18You thrust Fartzam into the mist, that person's face comes up on it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Now that... LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:22The technology may not exist yet,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25but that's for the nerds to work out. I'm the ideas guy. Thank you.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:32It's a dream to play at the Apollo. So many people here.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37Not everyone's here, cos a lot of people are dead. Uh...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I'd like to just, for a moment, pay tribute to the dead.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45There's too many to mention them all, so I'm just going to
0:27:45 > 0:27:48pick a few of my favourite dead.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54AA Milne. Creator of Winnie the Pooh. Sorry if you didn't know.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# He is dead. # He died ages ago.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01AA Milne. Alphabetically, he is the first of all the dead. OK.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Steve Jobs.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Inventor of the iPhone. Dead.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And, for me, the saddest part there was,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13remember just after he died, they put his body into a bag of rice,
0:28:13 > 0:28:14to see if he'd come back to life?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# But he didn't. # LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:25The man who set up the North Face clothing company died recently.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29How did he die? Of exposure on a camping trip in South America.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30That is true!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34The boss of Segway died. How did he die?
0:28:34 > 0:28:38He reversed his Segway off a cliff. Aaaahh! LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Dyson must be shitting himself, you know?
0:28:42 > 0:28:45He's messed with air, and you cannot escape from air.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Wherever he goes, he could be hit by a kite.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49I think the irony would be if he was sucked up inside one of his own
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Hoovers - just him noiselessly...
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# Rotating in the bagless drum
0:28:54 > 0:28:56# Screaming but no sound comes out
0:28:56 > 0:28:59# Cos sound doesn't travel in a vacuum. #
0:28:59 > 0:29:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:05 > 0:29:06I like music a lot.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09I like all music, except for one genre, and that is the worst
0:29:09 > 0:29:14music of all, which is the whistling and twinkly bells music in 80% of
0:29:14 > 0:29:17all TV and radio ads at the moment, which is this music here.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22WHISTLING AND UPBEAT MELODY
0:29:22 > 0:29:26The more sinister the product, the more adorable the music.
0:29:26 > 0:29:31"Go out tonight, have a burger. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:29:31 > 0:29:33"Cos we know you don't like to
0:29:33 > 0:29:35"think about where your food comes from.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37"You couldn't give a shit.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40"We could abduct homeless dogs and cut their dicks off and sell
0:29:40 > 0:29:43"them to you as homeless dogs' dicks, and you'd just be like,
0:29:43 > 0:29:45"'Oh, pound saver menu!'" HE WHISTLES
0:29:45 > 0:29:48LAUGHTER
0:29:50 > 0:29:51"Kalashnikov.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54"We're about sorting out localised tribal conflicts."
0:29:54 > 0:29:56LAUGHTER
0:29:56 > 0:30:00"At your bank, we're more like your mate than your bank. Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:30:00 > 0:30:03"Sure, we don't really have interest rates any more,
0:30:03 > 0:30:07"and the charges, the stealth charges are ridiculous in recent
0:30:07 > 0:30:10"years, and, yeah, we did cause the last collapse of the economy, yeah.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! And the credit card bill!
0:30:13 > 0:30:15"Have you seen the bonuses we give our boss?!
0:30:15 > 0:30:20"Ah, you idiots! You keep coming back! You absolute dickheads!"
0:30:20 > 0:30:22HE WHISTLES
0:30:22 > 0:30:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:28 > 0:30:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45David O Doherty! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:48 > 0:30:52Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our final guest tonight?
0:30:52 > 0:30:54CHEERING
0:30:56 > 0:30:58It is an absolute privilege to be bringing this lady to you.
0:30:58 > 0:31:03She and I actually started together, and she is without question one of
0:31:03 > 0:31:06the most unique and distinctive voices working in comedy right now.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08So, ladies and gentlemen,
0:31:08 > 0:31:10please join me in welcoming to the stage the incredible
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Luisa Omielan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:13 > 0:31:16ENERGETIC POP MUSIC PLAYS
0:31:22 > 0:31:27Hello! Hello!
0:31:27 > 0:31:30I think it's about time to kill that party spirit, don't you?
0:31:30 > 0:31:33LAUGHTER Let's talk about mental health.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Yes, sir.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Brace yourselves, bitches, we're about to talk about depression.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41It's going to get sexy. Cronk! Cronk! LAUGHTER
0:31:44 > 0:31:48I remember having a time when I felt really low, really bad about
0:31:48 > 0:31:50myself, and there was no particular reason, right?
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Cos nobody had died, everything was going well.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Like, seemingly, on paper, things were good.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55Like, my local Chinese buffet
0:31:55 > 0:31:58started serving crispy aromatic duck before 6pm.
0:31:58 > 0:31:59Things were going all right. LAUGHTER
0:31:59 > 0:32:03But for some reason I couldn't shift this feeling of, like, isolation
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and sadness, and I thought, "I need to tackle this head-on."
0:32:05 > 0:32:07So I went for a walk along the River Thames,
0:32:07 > 0:32:09and I thought, "I know what I'll do. I'll jump in."
0:32:09 > 0:32:13Facebook status: "Dead. Start a page, bitches, start a page."
0:32:13 > 0:32:17But I looked down and I thought, "Oh, water does look a bit dirty."
0:32:17 > 0:32:21Instead I wrote a letter to the universe.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22Genius idea, right?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24So I got out this pen and paper
0:32:24 > 0:32:26and I wrote down everything that was going wrong in my life,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28everything that upset me, I wrote it all down,
0:32:28 > 0:32:31and it felt so good to see it in black and white.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35And just, get off my chest, right? And I stood on the end of
0:32:35 > 0:32:38that bridge and I ceremoniously threw this letter out.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41The wind threw it back in my face.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Twice. LAUGHTER
0:32:44 > 0:32:46And I was living with my mother at the time. My mum is amazing.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49My mum's Polish. She's not a cleaner, don't be such a racist!
0:32:49 > 0:32:50Why would you say that? LAUGHTER
0:32:50 > 0:32:53That's so racist! She should be, she's a very good one. LAUGHTER
0:32:53 > 0:32:55My mum is amazing, right. She...
0:32:55 > 0:32:57My mum came over to England, like, 35 years ago.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01We were here first. Don't blame me for the influx. LAUGHTER
0:33:01 > 0:33:03She came over a long time ago, and actually I was born here,
0:33:03 > 0:33:06and my mum tries to be like, "Oh, you know you're Polish too."
0:33:06 > 0:33:08And I was like, I was born here, so, like, "I'm British!
0:33:08 > 0:33:12"I'm British! Get out of our country!"
0:33:12 > 0:33:16It was adorable. And... LAUGHTER
0:33:16 > 0:33:18And my mum has this beautiful accent, right?
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Because people expect my mum to talk like this...
0:33:21 > 0:33:23POLISH ACCENT: "Hello, I like to clean, nice to meet you."
0:33:23 > 0:33:25But she doesn't.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27RECEIVED PRONUNCIATION: She talks like this...
0:33:27 > 0:33:29And the reason being, because when she first came over, she tried to
0:33:29 > 0:33:32really immerse herself into the community, into the British culture, right?
0:33:32 > 0:33:37So she was like, "Marks and Spencers, the land of dreams," right? She was really excited.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39So she used to listen to a lot of BBC radio news, but this was back
0:33:39 > 0:33:42in the day when they have those boring same old accents.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44They don't have all the beautiful dialects that you have now.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47So my mum learned to speak English, so now instead of speaking like this...
0:33:47 > 0:33:49POLISH ACCENT: "Hello..."
0:33:49 > 0:33:52RECEIVED PRONUNCIATION: She talks like this, but she always gets her
0:33:52 > 0:33:53English completely wrong,
0:33:53 > 0:33:55so you can still tell she's a massive immigrant.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57LAUGHTER My favourite bit of English she ever got wrong was...
0:33:57 > 0:34:00"Luisa, I notice you've been going through lots of toilet roll
0:34:00 > 0:34:03"recently. When you go, how many slices do you use, hmm?"
0:34:03 > 0:34:06LAUGHTER
0:34:06 > 0:34:10"I'm not wiping it with bread! Shut up! Go away! Shut the door!"
0:34:10 > 0:34:11"I've seen it all before."
0:34:11 > 0:34:14"Not recently you haven't!" It's quite...it's quite adorable.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18And she said, "Luisa, I'm worried about you. I think you need to go and see a doctor."
0:34:18 > 0:34:20And I was like, "OK, I'll go and see a doctor, but there's no
0:34:20 > 0:34:22reason, cos there's nothing wrong with me.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24OK, so I'm sad all the time, but I'm fine. Like, I'm fine."
0:34:24 > 0:34:26"Hi, Doctor, sorry to bother you. Like, I'm fine, honestly. I'm fine.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30"There's nothing wrong with me. No, I had a smear test, thank you, honestly, everything's fine.
0:34:30 > 0:34:35"I'm fine. I just, sometimes want to pour boiling hot water all over my face, but I'm fine."
0:34:35 > 0:34:39LAUGHTER She was like, "Luisa, I think you might be suffering from depression."
0:34:39 > 0:34:42"Oh, my God! Are you Polish? What the fuck is wrong with you?
0:34:42 > 0:34:44"I'm not depressed. I don't have depression, OK?
0:34:44 > 0:34:46"I don't...I don't have depression."
0:34:46 > 0:34:50She was like, "Luisa, it's fine. I'm going to give you some antidepressants."
0:34:50 > 0:34:52And... "Yeah, do you want to say that any louder?"
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Like, the door was ajar. "Do you want to... Ah-choo! I've just got a common cold!"
0:34:55 > 0:34:57WHISPERS: I don't need antidepressants!
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Do I look batshit mental? I don't need antidepressants.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Besides of which, you put me on the pill once
0:35:01 > 0:35:05and that did send me batshit crazy, so I am not taking anything...
0:35:05 > 0:35:06that you prescribe me.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12And I went home, and I didn't want to take 'em cos I was so embarrassed.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Right, I didn't want to be on antidepressants.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17But I had to do something cos I was crying constantly.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Like, I couldn't stop crying.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Like, I would masturbate, and I'd cry.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Who does that?
0:35:26 > 0:35:30You don't get guys having a wank, do you? Being like, "Arrr!"
0:35:33 > 0:35:35LAUGHTER
0:35:38 > 0:35:41SOBS: I miss... I don't know what you're doing.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43I don't understand it any more.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46What do I do with myself?
0:35:46 > 0:35:49SHE SOBS AND GROANS
0:35:51 > 0:35:53CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:35:55 > 0:35:59I can't even cum! Eurgh!
0:36:01 > 0:36:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:14 > 0:36:15It's...
0:36:15 > 0:36:19It's not nice when you do it in the face like that, is it?
0:36:19 > 0:36:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:29 > 0:36:31So, I started taking the antidepressants, right?
0:36:33 > 0:36:36And the weirdest thing happened - I stopped crying.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39I was like, "What?" I was like, "Mum..."
0:36:39 > 0:36:40"Mum...
0:36:40 > 0:36:42"I'm not crying.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45"John Lewis advert is on, and I'm not crying!"
0:36:45 > 0:36:48And I hated it. I was like, well, I've got to make myself cry.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50Forget this, I've got to make myself cry if it kills me.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52So I did everything in my power to make myself cry.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54So, what I did, do you want to hear it?
0:36:54 > 0:36:57So, what I did, I went home and I put on The Lion King. Mmm!
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Oh, we all know what bit, we all know what bit. Don't we?
0:37:01 > 0:37:03The bit where Simba comes along, and he's like...
0:37:03 > 0:37:05AS SIMBA: "Dad, Dad, come on! You gotta get up!"
0:37:05 > 0:37:07SHE GIGGLES
0:37:07 > 0:37:08"Dad!
0:37:08 > 0:37:11"Dad, come on, you gotta get up, we gotta go home."
0:37:14 > 0:37:15"Dad!"
0:37:27 > 0:37:28"Dad?"
0:37:32 > 0:37:33"Dad, come on."
0:37:41 > 0:37:43LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:45"Dad, we gotta go home."
0:37:46 > 0:37:47Nothing, nothing!
0:37:48 > 0:37:51I was like, "Oh, these drugs are goo-ood."
0:37:52 > 0:37:54It didn't last long.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57I just went on Rightmove and looked up property prices in the 1990s,
0:37:57 > 0:37:58and it was all like "arrgh"!
0:38:00 > 0:38:02This is a bit of a weird gig for me, and I'll tell you why.
0:38:02 > 0:38:06I want to talk to you about my mum. My mum's amazing, my mum's a legend.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Right? I told you she's Polish. And I lost my mother recently.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12I didn't leave her in Waitrose. "Uh, could the bloody immigrant
0:38:12 > 0:38:14"in aisle four come back to the service desk?"
0:38:15 > 0:38:19And she went, and she'd got Stage IV stomach and bowel cancer
0:38:19 > 0:38:21by the time they found out, right?
0:38:21 > 0:38:23And they said, "It's inoperable, we can't do anything.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25"But you can't do anything until you see an oncologist,
0:38:25 > 0:38:28"and that's going to take four to five weeks, to see somebody,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30"by the time we get all your tests."
0:38:30 > 0:38:31And they sent her home with Calpol,
0:38:31 > 0:38:34because she's clearly four years old and has flu, right?
0:38:34 > 0:38:36So, they sent her home with Calpol.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38Now, my mum was in so much pain, I was like, "What do I do?"
0:38:38 > 0:38:41And they were like, "Well, if you need anything, call 111."
0:38:41 > 0:38:43"111? That's who you call when you're drunk and want
0:38:43 > 0:38:46"a free lift home. Like, what the fuck? How do I help my mum?"
0:38:46 > 0:38:49And so I had to source alternative pain relief for my mum.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51And I read loads of things online about cannabis,
0:38:51 > 0:38:53about how cannabis has got medicinal properties.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56And I don't do drugs, I've never done drugs, right?
0:38:56 > 0:38:58I drink two Smirnoff Ice and I'm like, "What!"
0:38:58 > 0:38:59I've never really figured it out.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01So I started looking at cannabis oil,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03but it's not the easiest thing to locate cos you can't really -
0:39:03 > 0:39:05I learned - post on Facebook,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07"Uh, guys, does anybody know how to get hold of some cannabis oil
0:39:07 > 0:39:11"so I can help heal my mum of Stage IV cancer?" "Smiley face".
0:39:11 > 0:39:12Nobody really answers, guys.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I actually ended up getting hold of cannabis oil,
0:39:15 > 0:39:17and here's the thing about cannabis oil - you only need a tiny bit.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20But if you put it in your mouth, you get really high.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22And my mum was like, "I don't want to be rocky."
0:39:22 > 0:39:24I was like, "Mum, stoned - very different."
0:39:24 > 0:39:27LAUGHTER
0:39:27 > 0:39:30So I started making suppositories for her, where you have to use
0:39:30 > 0:39:32a tiny amount of cannabis oil
0:39:32 > 0:39:34and you have to mix it with something that will lend with it.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35So I was using coconut oil.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38So I'm mixing cannabis oil with coconut oil and I'm putting it in
0:39:38 > 0:39:40the freezer, and I'm doing these suppositories in my kitchen.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43I feel like Breaking Bad, but I don't know what I'm doing,
0:39:43 > 0:39:44and you can't Google it.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46And I try to call 111, but they're frigging useless,
0:39:46 > 0:39:48and they give me Calpol, so I don't know what to do.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I'm going, "OK, my mum's got cancer. I'll save her,
0:39:51 > 0:39:53"I'll help her. I'll make these suppositories."
0:39:53 > 0:39:54But the problem with coconut oil
0:39:54 > 0:39:56is it gets all over your fingers, right?
0:39:56 > 0:39:58You try and put it in, it's all over...
0:39:58 > 0:40:00You've lost half the goodness, so it's a waste of time.
0:40:00 > 0:40:01Do not use coconut oil.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04What you need is cacao butter. Yes, this is very middle class, mate.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07You need cacao butter to mix with cannabis oil.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09And you freeze it, and I gave it to my mum.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11It obviously didn't kill her, but eased her pain, really.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14And when we went to the doctors, I was like, "Let's tell them,
0:40:14 > 0:40:15"but let's break it in gently
0:40:15 > 0:40:18"that I've got you on this class-A illegal substance.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19"So, let's just..."
0:40:21 > 0:40:22"..wean our way in.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25I mean, hopeful they'll be surprised that you've been managing so well
0:40:25 > 0:40:27with Stage IV cancer only on Calpol, but you never know.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33And we got into the room, and she sat with the oncologist,
0:40:33 > 0:40:34and my mum farted.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38And I was like, "Oh, my days."
0:40:39 > 0:40:42"Are you joking?" And I was like, what do I do? Pretend to be high.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44"Just pretend to be high.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46"Just pretend to be like, "I do it. Yeah, it's not her - it's me."
0:40:46 > 0:40:49"Oh, look at those rabbits. Oh..."
0:40:50 > 0:40:53We came out, and I was like, "Mum, why did you do that? So annoying."
0:40:53 > 0:40:55She's like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I couldn't help it."
0:40:55 > 0:40:58I was like, "You have just shat out £65 worth of cannabis oil, idiot!"
0:41:01 > 0:41:02It was hard, right?
0:41:02 > 0:41:04We managed to get her into a hospice,
0:41:04 > 0:41:08and we had a beautiful moment where my mum was with me
0:41:08 > 0:41:11and my sister, and she said, "Girls, I'm ready to die.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15"I've felt too much pain, and I'm ready to go.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17"And I want you to remember something -
0:41:17 > 0:41:20"that I love you and will always love you.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23"You're wonderful, wonderful girls, and I'm so proud of you.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27"I want you to look after each other and I want you both to be kind."
0:41:27 > 0:41:30And she looked at both of us and she took our hands
0:41:30 > 0:41:34and she said, "Don't be upset, girls.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37"I'm ready. I'm ready to go.
0:41:37 > 0:41:38"I love you."
0:41:39 > 0:41:43She held our hands, and she took a deep breath...
0:41:44 > 0:41:46..and closed her eyes.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48SHE EXHALES DEEPLY
0:42:02 > 0:42:04LAUGHTER
0:42:14 > 0:42:15Oh, man, it didn't work!
0:42:18 > 0:42:20To be honest, I think she just saw Brexit coming,
0:42:20 > 0:42:22and was like, "Fuck it, I'm out of here."
0:42:25 > 0:42:29So, um, you know, I got the e-mail to do this gig
0:42:29 > 0:42:31a few weeks before my mum died.
0:42:31 > 0:42:32And I said, "I don't want to do it."
0:42:32 > 0:42:34I'd been waiting for years to do the Apollo.
0:42:34 > 0:42:35"Don't want to do it."
0:42:35 > 0:42:37She said, "Luisa, you have to promise me
0:42:37 > 0:42:39"you'll do Live At The Apollo, whatever happens."
0:42:39 > 0:42:41I said, "No, I'll be with you. We're going to fix you.
0:42:41 > 0:42:44"You're going to have cannabis oil it's going to be amazing,
0:42:44 > 0:42:45"you're going to be fine."
0:42:45 > 0:42:49And she was like, "Whatever happens, you promise me you do that gig."
0:42:49 > 0:42:52And so that's why I came out today, to do the gig.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:06So thank you for having me. I'm Luisa Omielan. Big love.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Thank you.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11APPLAUSE
0:43:17 > 0:43:18Luisa Omielan!
0:43:18 > 0:43:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much
0:43:22 > 0:43:24for watching Live At The Apollo.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Please give a massive round of applause for my guests,
0:43:26 > 0:43:28Luisa Omielan and David O'Doherty.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31My name's Nish Kumar. Thank you very much. Goodnight.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE