0:00:10 > 0:00:17This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rob Beckett!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Oi, Oi!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Hello and welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm Rob.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- You happy? You good?- Whoo!- Nice.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I'm happy, I'm very happy to be here, right?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51I'm very happy to be out the house.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Because me and me missus have moved and we've got a do-er upper.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58She likes to call it a project.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Do you know what I call it? Fucking derelict!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I ain't got a sink, I ain't got a sink.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- You got a sink?- No. - No? You ain't got a sink?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- No, my housemate just took it out. - Your housemate just took it out?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Who you living with, Handy Andy? What's going on?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- You've got a sink, haven't you? - We've got a kitchen sink.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20You got a kitchen sink, yeah? I ain't got one sink, mate.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22The sink's coming next week, I ain't got nothing.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24That's the only reason I'm 'ere!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Tell some jokes, wash me hands.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31No sink. And I can't do any DIY.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Useless. All I can do is jet wash.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Amazing. I love a jet wash. Ah, a dirty patio? Yes, please.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44It feels so good, it's so rewarding for such little effort, innit?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I love it, always leave a little patch to show them how dirty it was.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51That's how dirty it was until I got involved.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I get carried away, I was out the front of me house,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57went down the street, started doing a bus stop, not even mine.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I will jet wash anything if it stays still long enough.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Did a dog.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Come up lovely.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10And the thing is, I can't do DIY and we've got a derelict house
0:02:10 > 0:02:14but the problem is the father-in-law is one of those father-in-laws
0:02:14 > 0:02:15that bought a wreck.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Did it up cos he knows all about DIY and now it's worth double,
0:02:19 > 0:02:20and he comes round my house,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23swinging his massive "I decorated my whole house" dick.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Knocking things off the side, smashing vases.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31That's right, I got a vase, nothing to fill it up with.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33No sink!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Empty vase, dead flowers, that's my life.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41He's got a ladder.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Flash bastard.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Who does he think he is? How often's he going up high?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Just take your chances on a rickety chair like everyone else.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Live a little! Live life on the edge.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00He's got a tool box. Well, I've got a tool box.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Well, I've got a Spider-Man lunchbox with a screwdriver in it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07As far as I'm concerned, that's a box with a tool in it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Three screwdrivers, actually.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I had a very fortunate Christmas cracker episode.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And the annoying thing is, when he comes round to do jobs in the house,
0:03:17 > 0:03:18I can't go out or play Fifa,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I've got to stand near him like I'm helping.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I don't know anything, I might as well be standing next to a vet.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I've got nothing in my locker.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Just stand under his ladder,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33dust and paint like his little peasant helper boy.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35"Sire, what can I do for you, sire?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"What can I do while you do the curtain, DIY God?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:44He just demands things like, "Pass me my "Phillip" screwdriver."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46What kind of wanker names his screwdrivers?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Idiot.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"Do you want Peter and Paul while I'm down here, do ya?"
0:03:57 > 0:03:59We have to spend a lot more time with the in-laws as well now,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01cos we've got a kid.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03And at Christmas time, they want to see the kid, don't they?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07So, we have to split Christmases between her parents and my parents.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Year on, year off, she calls it.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Good year, shit year, that's what it should be called.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18A year you enjoy Christmas,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21a year you want to stab yourself in the eyes with screwdrivers.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25They do have some nice bits of their Christmas.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27They're a lovely family, very middle class.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30They have a lovely tradition, which involves, every Christmas,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32the family get a new pair of pyjamas, right?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Each - not one massive pair they all pile in.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39All get a new pair of pyjamas, right? And they put them on, right?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42And then they go to bed. There's three daughters in the family,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I'm married to one of the girls, she's got two sisters.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46So, they all put their new pyjamas on, go to bed,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49wake up in the morning in their new pyjamas, get the stocking
0:04:49 > 0:04:51from the end of their bed, run in their mum and dad's room,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54sit on the bed and the whole family, in their new pyjamas,
0:04:54 > 0:04:55open their stockings.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59What a lovely tradition, innit, eh? When they're three, five and eight.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Not last Christmas, when on the bed in their pyjamas,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09was a 21-year old, a 25-year-old and a 28-year-old!
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Sat in he corner is me.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13A fully grown adult man,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15sitting there with a boner.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It's not my fault, nothing weird's going on -
0:05:25 > 0:05:27they've got me up too early and rushed me through.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I've not been to the toilet,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34it's like I'm smuggling in half a Toblerone.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Well, a couple of Alps, give me a chance.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It's a nightmare first thing, innit, in the morning?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Everyone goes, "Oh, men, they can get it out and go wherever."
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Not first thing in the morning.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48It's like pissing through a metal chopstick, you haven't got a chance.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51You're arching your back like a cat trying to get out the bath.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"What are you doing in there?"
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"Either piss on the ceiling or I'll snap it in half!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"Do you want more grandkids?"
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Don't know why I'm shouting, the door was open.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10It's all grown up for me now. Wife, kids, stuff like that, you know.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Bought a tumble dryer.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I'm doing all right.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Got a tumble dryer. Love the tumble dryer.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I love the tumble dryer cos he don't care.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20He's an animal.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22He's like the wild card on a stag do,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24he'll do whatever you want him to do.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27The tumble dryer has got one setting - on.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It's all he knows. On.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36It's all he cares about - all he wants to know is, how long?
0:06:38 > 0:06:4115 towels, nine hours, wallop, tumble!
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Tumble!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Don't care. Chuck a bowl of water in it, he'll try and dry it.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Tumble!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57He don't even need to be in the house.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Get in the shed, get in the shed, tumble!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Love it, love the tumble dryer.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05My clothes are so dry.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09They're so dry, my clothes, with the tumble.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11They're so dry!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I used to just hang them up and hope in the hallway.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15They're so dry.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Nothing fits, but...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23..they're so dry and tiny, my clothes, I love it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Anything you want, chuck it in the tumble!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32All he needs, a little de-fluff now and again, which is fun, innit?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35That's why it's fun. And a little hole for the tumble tube.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Needs a little hole. You know the tube,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I think he shouts the water out.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"Tumble!" Needs a little hole for that, innit?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44We got ours in the kitchen, our tumble dryer,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47cos there's a gap where the sink should be.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53I know what you're thinking.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Where's the tumble tube going? Where you putting the tube?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Cat flap.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Perfect, innit?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Straight through the flap, door still locked, house secure,
0:08:03 > 0:08:04no breeze cos it's through the flap!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Only problem is, no-one told the cat.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Poor little fella's coming home after a night out.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15"Oh, hello, there's a tube in my flap.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"What's going on there? Some sweets, some Dreamies? What's..."
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Tumble!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Tumbled the cat, didn't we?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28It's all right, got a nice little kitten now, it's quality.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32It will shrink anything.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I like the dishwasher, as well - got a dishwasher
0:08:35 > 0:08:36I like the dishwasher, he's all right.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Keeps his head down, doesn't he? Stays out of trouble.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Occasionally pops his little light on, don't he?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"Hello, beep-beep! Dishwasher here. D-dub just checking in.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"Sorry to interrupt, but I need some salt."
0:08:50 > 0:08:53What? Why?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55What you doing in there, tequila? What's happening?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00You're supposed to be washing the glasses, not using 'em.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02What's he need salt for?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Before I got a dishwasher, I didn't do the washing up by hand
0:09:05 > 0:09:07and go, "'Ere we go, let's get the bowl of salt out,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"can't do the dishes without seasoning, can we?"
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What's he want now, a handful of coriander?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14There you go, mate, get on with it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18The worst is when it asks for rinse aid.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Get a life.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Rinse aid. Do me a favour.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26It's got two jobs - wash it, rinse it. Shut up.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30But I don't mind the dishwasher.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Washing machine, though, I do not like. Arrogant.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Flash, innit? Smarmy little bastard.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Too many settings, innit? It reckons itself. Dunnit?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Quick wash, slow wash, 30-degree, 40-degree, 50-degree.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Synthetics, cottons, silk!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52And it's a liar.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It's a liar, the washing machine.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55It lies about how long's left.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Never been right.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Walked past it the other day. 30 minutes, it said.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Well, cos it said 30,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I don't know what it's counting in, but it said 30.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Go and watch the football.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Watched the first half of the football, 45 minutes,
0:10:13 > 0:10:14come back, it's on ten.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18In what world was that 20 minutes?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I turned round, looked in the fridge, went back,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24it went down to nine. That weren't a minute.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26And I know that cos it's a minute before the fridge alarm goes off.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I thought I'll go and watch the second half of the football, right?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Watched it, 45 minutes, come back, it's on one.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Eight-minute second half, that don't make sense, does it?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40But I thought I'm busy but I'm not that busy, I'll sit it out.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Ten minutes, I looked at a one minute.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I was getting more and more angry, I was just losing it.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59I thought, "Just go to bed, Rob, just go to bed,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01"sort it out in the morning, right?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Went upstairs, went to bed, right? Got ready for bed, cleaned my teeth,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07four hours later, I'm getting into bed, and...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I'm trying to make them more subtle.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I get into bed, my head hits the pillow, right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Beep, beep, beep, beep!
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Finished, innit? And I've got one of those machines that beeps forever.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I don't know if you have this cos I don't need it to beep forever,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34just a couple of beeps would do, cos it's not as if
0:11:34 > 0:11:36if it don't beep forever, I'll forget I own a washing machine
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and clothes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Just walk past it every day forever.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"What's that big white thing with clothes in? God knows.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"If it beeped, I'd have a look in it, but seeing as it's not beeping,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"I'll leave it shut for the rest of my life."
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I think, right, it's beeping, just go downstairs,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56get it out the washing machine and chuck it in the tumble dryer,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58you'll be fine, the old faithful, not a problem, right?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Get up, go downstairs, go to open it...
0:12:07 > 0:12:08"Sorry, I'm locked.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"I'm locked for your safety, actually, I'm locked.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"I'm draining."
0:12:14 > 0:12:15How much water could be in there?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I'll be all right, we're not on the Titanic, mate.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Just open it up, let me in.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21I'm willing to take the risk.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25And I lost it.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26And I don't know if you've ever ripped
0:12:26 > 0:12:28the door off a washing machine...
0:12:31 > 0:12:32..with your bare hands?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It feels good.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39The only problem is, when the repair man's there in the morning
0:12:39 > 0:12:41and he goes, "How did this happen?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And all you've got is, "It come off in my hand."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49And he goes, "Well, in my opinion, it looks like it's been
0:12:49 > 0:12:52"ripped from the hinges and stamped on."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"Well, I'm not paying you for your opinion.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"Fix it, shut up and get out of my house."
0:13:05 > 0:13:07"Is your dad staying for dinner, or is he going?"
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I like it, though, when the father-in-law can't do a job.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Then we get a builder in.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24And I like that cos then you can just pay 'em and get on with it,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26it's not like, you know, you don't have to be thankful
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and it's better, innit?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30The only problem is the builder is my dad's mate,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32he's a proper geezer. Proper South East London geezer.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34One of those builders that - you know that walk?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36He just walks like that,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38his legs like he's got a pool table between his legs.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42And he walks like that and also,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45he's got those really thin jogging bottoms.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47You know, those like grey jogging bottoms that builders wear?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I don't know where they get them from. They're so thin!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52And it just grabs on to anything that's there.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I feel like I'm getting stared out by his nob and balls as he comes in.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03And it's more... It's weirder than him being naked, I don't know why.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It feels more intrusive. He's like, "Hello, son, what we got 'ere?"
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"I don't know, everything! Everything's there."
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Walking around like that.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I reckon I could draw his nob and bollocks from memory
0:14:13 > 0:14:14better than mine!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19So, he's come in like that and I'm like, "Oh, God.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"Do you want a cup of tea?" He goes, "Yeah, I'll have a cup of tea."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"How many sugars?" He went, "13."
0:14:26 > 0:14:28That's not a cup of tea any more, that's a pudding!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32That's an Angel Delight with a tea bag in it.
0:14:33 > 0:14:3513 sugars? I had arm ache sticking it in.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's about three quid's worth of sugar!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41He's only come round for a quote, it's already cost me.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I put 14 in to test him.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Give it him, he went, "It's a bit sweet, innit?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Are you winding me up? You're normally on 13, you greedy bastard!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Old type-2 Terry's come round and it's a bit sweet for him, is it?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01"When you going to do this job?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"I want it done before your foot comes off, all right?"
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Anyway, I had a Kit Kat in the fridge, I thought, right,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14let's get him back on side, I've got this Kit Kat. He's into sugar,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I like introducing people to new things, see if he wants a Kit Kat.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Four-finger Kit Kat. How would you eat a Kit Kat? Four fingers?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I've said that wrong, haven't I?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I thought you looked at me funny!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Sorry, I said that like it was your name!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40What I meant to say...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I don't know what I meant to say.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49I mean to... How would you... How would you eat a four-finger Kit Kat?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53But I went, "How would you eat a Kit Kat, four fingers?"
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Hello, four fingers, how's it going?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Who needs thumbs, eh?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Need to smoke, by the looks of things. Sorry about that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Not an ideal nickname for a young lady, is it, really?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30So, what would you do? One finger at a time? Is that what you'd...?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Shall we start again? Shall we start again?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Sorry, what's your name? Anita. Anita.- Nice to meet you, Anita.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Sorry for calling you four fingers.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Anyway, how do you eat your Kit Kat? That's what I was going for.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- One at a time.- One at a time.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54One at a time's the normal approach to a four....
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Got there! Yes!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Anyway, one at a time's the normal approach
0:17:05 > 0:17:07to a four-finger Kit Kat, innit, right?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I gave this builder a four-finger Kit Kat.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11He picked it up.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Put the whole thing in his mouth at once.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Bit into it like he was eating a bun.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Dirty ogre sugar bitch.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26What kind of animal is one-popping a four finger Kit Kat?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28If you want to one-pop a Kit Kat,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30get yourself a Chunky - that's its job!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Right, are you ready for your first act?
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Whoo!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Please welcome to the stage Jen Brister!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- Well, good evening, Apollo. - Whoo!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It's lovely to be here, I've come all the way from Brighton.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Whoo!- Just in case you're wondering what this haircut is about.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I might be a new face for some of you people.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Don't panic, the BBC invited me here cos they needed a beige lesbian.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23So I'm just here to tick some boxes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Not your box, madam, just...
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Just a metaphorical box.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I'm half Spanish, that's what's happening there.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40I've got a Spanish mum and she lives here in the UK, it's all very legal.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45She's lived longer in the UK than she's ever lived in Spain
0:18:45 > 0:18:48but the brilliant thing about my mum is that she's never lost her accent.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50"She talks very, very quickly," like this, "lots of words
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"she cannot pronounce, lots and lots of words she cannot pronounce, huh?"
0:18:55 > 0:18:58My favourite word that my mum's never been able to pronounce is...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01..my brother's name.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08It's not even a difficult name, his name's Steven.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I don't know if you've noticed this but Spanish people,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13any word that begins with the letter S, they struggle, right?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17So, my mum doesn't call him Steven. She calls him... "E-teven."
0:19:23 > 0:19:25"What's his name, Mum?" "E-teven."
0:19:29 > 0:19:30"Is it?
0:19:33 > 0:19:34"Isn't it just Steven?"
0:19:34 > 0:19:37"I know his name, he's my son, it is E-te-VEN!"
0:19:40 > 0:19:41You don't want to mess with my mum.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43She's not like British people -
0:19:43 > 0:19:46here in this country, we can be quite passive aggressive, can't we?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48She's just a very aggressive woman.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I don't know how... My mum's never really coped in this country
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and I think it's because, like a lot of Mediterranean people,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59she's quite loud. Yeah? She's got one volume, it's like this.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01"HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?"
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Whereas in this country, particularly if we're middle class,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08we tend to be low talkers, don't we?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11We don't like to raise our voices, do we?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Why? Because we've got money.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25And we just assume that if you are raising your voice,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28well, you're probably...poor.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Or worse, foreign.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Great thing about having a Mediterranean mum is they feed you.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Oh, my God, she's always feeding, that's her way of showing
0:20:41 > 0:20:43that she loves her children, is to feed us.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I can remember going around friends' houses, you know, like English mums?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Go round an English mum's house
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and the conversation with Mum's more like this.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54"Hm. I think you've had enough."
0:20:57 > 0:20:59My mum will feed you till you puke.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Anything could be going on in my life and my mum will relate it back
0:21:04 > 0:21:07to a meal that she's cooked. Do you know what I mean?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Like, so, good or bad, particularly if I'm depressed.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11If I phone up my mum and I've had a terrible day, yeah?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I phone up my mum, conversation always goes like this...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"Oh, Jennifer, my God, I'm so sorry to hear
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"that you're having a hard time right now,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"but you know what? Don't worry, OK?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21"I made a soup."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"Come home, you sound hungry.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"I made a chilli con carne, a lamb tagine, I made a casserole,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"I made some tortillas, some paella, some curry,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32"maybe some meatballs, some pork ball, beef balls,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34"aniseed ball, banana ball, you're a lesbian,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"you don't eat enough balls, please...come home.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"Eat my balls."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I'm 42. Don't worry, I'm not going to moan about my age.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I realise there's nothing worse than somebody younger than you
0:21:52 > 0:21:53moaning about their age.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You know when you overhear somebody saying things like this on the bus,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"I'm going to be 23 on Saturday."
0:21:58 > 0:22:02SHE SIGHS "And I just feel really old."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04And you think, "I will stab you in the face."
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I'm not going to moan about it.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12You get boring as you get older cos you do less!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And the way to make sure that you really nail the coffin in dullness -
0:22:16 > 0:22:18have kids. Oh, my God!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Snoresville!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I've got twins. I've got twins, yeah.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26They're going to be three in a few weeks' time.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29And... Don't cheer that, thank you.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32If you had twins, you'd be like,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35"Oh, unbelievable, keep going, mate!"
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Because I am... This is a dream sequence for me,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I think I'm actually dead.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Do you know what I was really worried about before I had children?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It wasn't about being a parent, I was really worried about being dull.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Cos I... I mean, look, having kids late, 42, yeah?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53And they're only, like, nearly three.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Most of my friends have had kids and I remember,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58my best mate, when she had her kids, dear God.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Before the children arrived, we'd have interesting conversations
0:23:01 > 0:23:03about current affairs, popular culture.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05She'd ask me questions like, "How are you?"
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Soon as the kids arrived, that went.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Go round the house and it's a bit more like this.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14"Oh, hi, Jen. Oh, Jen, thanks so much for coming.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16"Jen, look at the baby, isn't it the most beautiful you've ever seen?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19"We love this baby, we like to look at it all day.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21"Jen, look at the baby, look at the baby.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"We don't want to miss a second of anything the baby's doing.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"We've learnt so much since. What did we learn today, Dave?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"Really important today, what did we learn? War is bad.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"We didn't know that till we had a baby. Look at the baby.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33"We like to take photographs and video everything the baby does
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"because we think our baby's a genius, more clever
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"than any other baby that's ever existed before in all of time.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"Why are you looking at me like that, Dave? Weird.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"My God, the baby's blinking, incredible! Video it,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"play it back to our friends while they self harm in our living room."
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I do not want to be that person.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And it is not sustainable. Yeah? Because that mate of yours
0:23:57 > 0:24:02will make the error of having two, or maybe three kids.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Go round their house after they've had the second or third child
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and you'll find a very subtle change in their behaviour,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09it's a bit more like this.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"Sorry, mate, can I just stop you there? It's just that
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"little Johnny's got his fingers in a plug socket
0:24:13 > 0:24:16"and I'm really worried he might electrocute himself."
0:24:16 > 0:24:19"Leave him, we've got another one. Open the Pinot Grigio."
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Being a parent is hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26And no-one tells you.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29In fact, no-one is more delighted for you to have children
0:24:29 > 0:24:33than your friends who have children.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37They are over and above more excited for you than members of your family.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Tell a mate with kids that you're going to have kids,
0:24:39 > 0:24:43they're like that! "Ha-ha-ha! "Oh, Gaaaaad, I'm so happy for you.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"Children give you so much, you'll grow as a person,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50"ha-ha-ha! Unconditional love."
0:24:52 > 0:24:55At the time you think, God, they are really happy for me.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's only after you have your kids that you go, "That was hysteria."
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Do you know what I wish? One of my mates had taken me to one side
0:25:03 > 0:25:04and given me an idea about what to expect.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Just sat me down, gave me a little bit of a truth bomb.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I would have appreciated this conversation...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"Brister. Hello, mate, why don't you sit down?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16"Just to let you know it's a bit of a horror show.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18"You're never going to finish a cup of tea or coffee again.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"You're going to have to have a shit with the door open.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"Your sex life is over, your social life is dead and if you want to have
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"an ice cream, you're going to have to have it
0:25:25 > 0:25:28"behind a bin in the garden. Anyway.... Congratulations!"
0:25:33 > 0:25:36You're so tired all of the time.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I'm so tired all of the time, all of my fantasies are about sleep.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Before I had kids, I had normal fantasies, you know,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45some of them were filthy. I won't go into those.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48But normal fantasies like going on holiday somewhere hot,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51you know, two weeks abroad, yeah?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Maybe a boozy Sunday lunch with your mates.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Or...I don't know, just going out for a lovely meal with your partner,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58you know, normal fantasies.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Do you want to know what I fantasise about now, Apollo?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I fantasise about being Lenny Henry in that Premier Inn ad.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Ooh, I think, Lenny, you nailed it, mate.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Double bed in Waterloo station, that looks bloody brilliant.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Your standards drop. You don't even notice them dropping.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Do you know what? I used to be very judgmental of mums on a school run
0:26:20 > 0:26:21before I had kids.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Yeah, when we talk about feminism, I tell you, no-one judges a woman
0:26:25 > 0:26:27more than another woman, yeah?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29I would see them on a school run and I'd think,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"Oh, my God, run a brush through your hair love!"
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Do you know what I mean?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36"Jesus, are those bootleg jeans? What's going on?"
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"Oh, my God, you're wearing Crocs!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42"I'm a lesbian, even I wouldn't wear Crocs. Make an effort, love."
0:26:44 > 0:26:45The other day I was trying to leave the house,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48my girlfriend asked me to sniff her jeans. I said, "Why?"
0:26:48 > 0:26:50She said, "There's piss on them,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"I just want to know how bad it smells."
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I was like, "Whoa! Who are we?"
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I ought to clear up the main question which I know is,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03you know, you're going to be thinking, going to be wondering,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05that is which one of you did "the deed"?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09So, I'll just clear that up for you right now
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and let you know that I am the non-biological mum
0:27:11 > 0:27:13and my girlfriend is the biological mum.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18And that is how we refer to each other at home.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Like we're boxes of detergent.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29She's Persil and I'm Daz, that's just how we did it.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36People ask me questions, I'm not naive,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I understand that the family I've created with my partner
0:27:39 > 0:27:41is not the usual set-up, you know? I understand that.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44And one of the questions I get asked most often is this...
0:27:44 > 0:27:48"Jen, can I ask how you came to the decision
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"that you would be happy to be the non-biological mum?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53"That you didn't want to carry your children?"
0:27:53 > 0:27:56And, Apollo, obviously I thought about this for a very long time,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00but the reason I was happy to be the non-biological mum
0:28:00 > 0:28:02is because I'm not...
0:28:02 > 0:28:03..fucking stupid.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Why would I do it when I can get her to do it?
0:28:13 > 0:28:18So, I am a gay and it's really hard as a gay, when you have to come out.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Yeah? That's the hardest thing.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Obviously, you don't ever come out once,
0:28:21 > 0:28:23you're having to come out all the time to people
0:28:23 > 0:28:26but the hardest time to come out is when you come out to your mum.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Yeah? Cos you don't want your mum to reject you.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31And I can remember when I was wanting to come out to my mum,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34it was really... It was a bit difficult cos my mum's
0:28:34 > 0:28:36obviously Spanish, so therefore she's Catholic,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39and you know what the Catholics are like, they don't really like...
0:28:39 > 0:28:41..people, so...
0:28:45 > 0:28:48I was worried about telling her. I remember sitting my mum down,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50I said, "Mum I've got something I want to tell you."
0:28:50 > 0:28:54My mum went, "OK, don't, tell me, you have been travelling,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56"you have these weird thoughts in your head,
0:28:56 > 0:28:58"I don't need to know this. If you don't tell me,
0:28:58 > 0:29:01"I don't need to deal with it." I said, "Well, Mum, I want to tell you
0:29:01 > 0:29:03"and it's important that you hear it from me."
0:29:03 > 0:29:06My mum's like, "Jennifer, I cannot hear this information, OK?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08"Please do not tell me, because I do not want to hear it!"
0:29:08 > 0:29:10I said, "You do need to hear it and it's important
0:29:10 > 0:29:12"that you hear it from me." "No, Jennifer, OK?
0:29:12 > 0:29:15"In Spain, when these people come to our country, we say get out."
0:29:15 > 0:29:17I said, "My God, you're supposed to love me unconditionally."
0:29:17 > 0:29:20She said, "I'm sorry, Jennifer, conditions apply."
0:29:22 > 0:29:25"Look, Mum, it's really important that you hear this from me first."
0:29:25 > 0:29:27"No, your aunt and uncle do not like these people."
0:29:27 > 0:29:29"Your grandmother does not know these people exist."
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"You're gonna hear it from me anyway." "No, I cannot hear this."
0:29:32 > 0:29:34"I want to tell you." "I don't want to hear this..."
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"I'm going to tell you anyway." "La-la-la-la!"
0:29:36 > 0:29:37"Will you shut up, Mum?
0:29:37 > 0:29:40"I'm just trying to tell you that I'm a lesbian."
0:29:40 > 0:29:43My mum looked at me and she just said, "Oh, thank God!
0:29:43 > 0:29:46"I thought you were going to tell me you were vegetarian.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50"Because I just cooked a stew."
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Apollo, you've been an absolute delight.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Enjoy the rest of your evening. Thank you so much.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Jen Brister!
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Oh, yes!
0:30:06 > 0:30:07You ready for another act?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Whoo!
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Welcome to the stage Darren Harriott!
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Yes! Wagwan?
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Glad to be here, man, my name is Darren Harriott.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38I'm 29. Very much a typical sort of millennial, you know.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42I've got typical millennial traits, always on my phone!
0:30:42 > 0:30:45My favourite website...is Google.
0:30:45 > 0:30:49I know, it's a bit weird innit? It's not a website, it's a search engine.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51It's like saying, "What's your favourite sexual position?"
0:30:51 > 0:30:53"Bedroom."
0:30:53 > 0:30:56I tell you what I love about Google, right?
0:30:56 > 0:31:00You can tap anything you want into the search bars
0:31:00 > 0:31:04and you never get in trouble. Like, anything.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07I was bored one day and I tapped into Google,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09"How to dispose of a dead body."
0:31:10 > 0:31:13The weird part was by the time I'd tapped in "dispose",
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Google finished the rest of the sentence off for me.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18I went, "Oh, that's a bit weird, right?"
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Somebody else has already asked this as a question.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Literally hundreds and hundreds of comments from people
0:31:23 > 0:31:26saying things like, "Don't worry, close the laptop, pray,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"the Lord will forgive you."
0:31:29 > 0:31:34Except for one psychopath who wrote a full detailed description
0:31:34 > 0:31:37of exactly how to dispose of a dead body.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39To the point where it was chilling.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41It was like, "Yeah, you got to chop the body into pieces,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43"shave the hair off, take the teeth out,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45"put the body parts into bin liners,
0:31:45 > 0:31:48spray the bin liner with deodorant, so that cats don't rip the bag."
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Really chilling. Then at the end, he just had the nerve to put,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57"Hope this helps."
0:32:01 > 0:32:03What a nice guy!
0:32:04 > 0:32:07I'm obsessed, man. I'm obsessed with the way society is going.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- Like, do you think we're getting too PC?- Yes!
0:32:11 > 0:32:15We might be. Every year, we lose a Halloween costume.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19I tell you why I think that, right?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I tell you why I think we might be getting too PC.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23We now have racial emojis.
0:32:25 > 0:32:30Remember when all emojis were yellow? And nobody cared?
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I tell you why I don't like these new racial emojis.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38Because I had no idea what shade of black I was...
0:32:41 > 0:32:43..until these new emojis came out.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45But apparently, I am second-to-last black.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Yeah, on holiday, I'm the guy on the end.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Online, man, that's a weird place.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Sometimes it's too PC, then sometimes it's racist.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08Like YouTube, the comments, really racist, man!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10I was watching this Japanese kid do martial arts.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Really good, this Japanese kid,
0:33:12 > 0:33:14he's doing kicks and all this sort of nonsense.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16This guy's left a comment, he's put,
0:33:16 > 0:33:20"Hey buddy, guess what? You're shit."
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Which is fine, that's his opinion, right?
0:33:24 > 0:33:28Then he puts, "PS, did you enjoy Hiroshima?"
0:33:30 > 0:33:32I know! Completely uncalled for, right?
0:33:32 > 0:33:34But then, this Japanese kid has replied
0:33:34 > 0:33:37with what I can only describe as the most relaxed response
0:33:37 > 0:33:39to racism I've ever read.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42He just put, "Nah, mate, wasn't there."
0:33:46 > 0:33:48He made it sound like a festival.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Universities, you can't say anything at a university now,
0:33:54 > 0:33:55you get in trouble.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Like, universities now are overly PC to the point where it gets
0:33:58 > 0:34:00a bit confusing, right?
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I read this one article about this one university
0:34:02 > 0:34:05and they sent this memo to all of their students, and it went,
0:34:05 > 0:34:10"If you avoid eye contact with any other student on campus,
0:34:10 > 0:34:13"you might be considered a racist."
0:34:13 > 0:34:15And I'm like, ooh, I don't think
0:34:15 > 0:34:18they've ever met a racist person before,
0:34:18 > 0:34:20cos they don't avoid eye contact.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23They're very good at keeping with the eye contact.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Like, if you're a racist person, you don't avoid eye contact,
0:34:26 > 0:34:28you avoid carnivals...
0:34:30 > 0:34:32..and the world food aisle in ASDA.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37If you're a racist, that world food aisle
0:34:37 > 0:34:41is everything that's wrong with this country, in the form of tins.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48I am British. I'm black British.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51I like being black British cos you can brag about the British Empire
0:34:51 > 0:34:52but have none of the guilt.
0:34:55 > 0:34:56Oh, it's amazing!
0:34:58 > 0:35:02I am British and proud, man. Listen, I voted in the Brexit thing.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04- I voted Remain. I did.- Whoo!
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Take it easy!
0:35:08 > 0:35:10But I am on board with Brexit, man.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Honestly, I voted Remain but I believe in Brexit now.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16You know why? Cos I believe in this country!
0:35:16 > 0:35:18I do, I believe in Great Britain.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I feel like anything you put in front of the British people,
0:35:21 > 0:35:25we can overcome! Well, except snow.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Every year we struggle with snow.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32We've run out of salt and bread for some reason.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36One thing we can agree on, though,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38we're gonna lose these negotiations, innit?
0:35:38 > 0:35:42Like, as soon as it was announced, Brexit, everybody started talking
0:35:42 > 0:35:45about what we want, what we have to offer for the whole year.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50There's been no surprises! They know everything.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53Theresa May is going to walk out of these negotiations bare foot.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"Look, we owe 100 billion and they took my shoes."
0:36:08 > 0:36:10I tell you why I voted in the Brexit thing.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Never cared about politics before, until then. Very millennial way.
0:36:13 > 0:36:19I saw a clip online of a woman losing her mind about Brexit,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21and she said something I had never heard before
0:36:21 > 0:36:22and I've still never heard it.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25She was on Question Time and she was like,
0:36:25 > 0:36:30"Look, I am white English, and because of these refugees,
0:36:30 > 0:36:34"we are now the indigenous people of this land."
0:36:36 > 0:36:38And I'm sitting there in my boxer shorts, like, "For real?"
0:36:40 > 0:36:43You're indigenous now, really? You're dying out, really?
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Really? Sting's going to bring you to the Emmys, really? Really?
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Now look, I know there's white English people in here today
0:36:49 > 0:36:52and I just want to say, Thank you for coming.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55It's always good to have some of the natives in.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Oh! I'm going to be taking pictures with you outside.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Show the grandkids how crazy things were!
0:37:12 > 0:37:14You're still in the lead, innit? You're still in the lead -
0:37:14 > 0:37:16I've been to Cornwall.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23The world's fun, now we got Trump, right?
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- Boo!- Ah, stop it, he's silly!
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Honestly, I don't hate him because he makes me laugh!
0:37:30 > 0:37:33He's hilarious. You know what? I expect America
0:37:33 > 0:37:36to have that kind of President, man. That's American to me.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40Cos, like, America's like a new country, innit? How old is America?
0:37:40 > 0:37:42241 years old.
0:37:42 > 0:37:47And I was told that America has spent 220 of those years
0:37:47 > 0:37:49in active war.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53There comes a time when America just has to look at itself and go,
0:37:53 > 0:37:54"Maybe it's me."
0:38:04 > 0:38:06They keep trying to get Trump, don't they?
0:38:06 > 0:38:09He's got a 40% approval rating and dropping.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12I'm like, "40%! That's not that bad."
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Like, America's massive, innit?
0:38:15 > 0:38:2140%, that's like 100 million people not only like him,
0:38:21 > 0:38:24but they think he's doing a good job.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28Isn't it weird how the 40% approval rating
0:38:28 > 0:38:31as a President isn't that bad?
0:38:31 > 0:38:35But it's absolutely catastrophic if you're an eBay seller.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41I ain't trusting someone with 40% approval rating.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Hell, no!
0:38:49 > 0:38:52It's crazy. We had all these marches!
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- Feminist march, you guys go?- Whoo!
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Yeah, man, even I went!
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I did, I went there looking for a date.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Honestly, a bunch of women angry at an old white guy -
0:39:04 > 0:39:06as a young black guy, smooth sailing, boy!
0:39:08 > 0:39:09I went there with a net.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14There was some creepy guy there as well who had a T-shirt on
0:39:14 > 0:39:18that said, "I am a feminist." And I was like, "Ugh, all right."
0:39:19 > 0:39:23Then he opens his bag, puts a hat on that said "I am a feminist" too.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25And I was like, "You're a creep."
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Honestly, I support the feminist movement, but come on.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Really? You need to put it on two different types of fabric.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Really? And I support it, I do,
0:39:36 > 0:39:39but I reckon deep down, women aren't even attracted to guys like that
0:39:39 > 0:39:42who walk around with a T-shirt saying "I am a feminist".
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Because deep down, you know he's not going to do all the things
0:39:45 > 0:39:47you want in the bedroom.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Even the basic stuff. "Tell me I've been a bad girl."
0:39:51 > 0:39:53"You're a strong independent woman."
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Exactly.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05I support it, I do. Like, this whole Dr Who thing.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Dr Who's a female. Who cares? Right?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Like, I'm not a fan of the show, so it doesn't bother me.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Honestly, they could have made the next Doctor a badger.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16Like, don't care.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19What annoyed me was, like, when they started giving, like, reasons why.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21What they should've done is just gone,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24"Hey, Doctor Who's a female, deal with it, losers!"
0:40:24 > 0:40:27But instead, what they gave what they call a "Whovian" answer
0:40:27 > 0:40:29and it really bugged me a bit.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31It sounded worse, they were like,
0:40:31 > 0:40:35"The Doctor is a shapeshifting alien, not a man, not a woman,
0:40:35 > 0:40:37"and on this occasion, the shapeshifting alien
0:40:37 > 0:40:41"has decided to take the form of a human woman."
0:40:41 > 0:40:43And I was like, "Eugh, that sounds worse."
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Because that makes it sound like this alien has always had
0:40:47 > 0:40:49a choice, you know what I mean?
0:40:49 > 0:40:54For 55 years of Doctor Who, 12, 13 different Doctors,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57this non-prejudiced shape-shifting alien
0:40:57 > 0:41:01could've always been a woman or a black guy.
0:41:03 > 0:41:08But at every opportunity, even the re-boot, was like,
0:41:08 > 0:41:10"No, I'll take old white guy again, please."
0:41:18 > 0:41:20White male privilege works on any planet.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25I'm a big supporter of people's rights, man.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26That's my thing, big supporter.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29The LGBT community, big supporter of that.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33But I got told off cos it's not just LGBT any more, is it?
0:41:33 > 0:41:37It's a little bit longer. It's LGBTQIAPK.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer,
0:41:40 > 0:41:42intersex, asexual, pansexual, kinky.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Yeah! They've took all the colours of the rainbow,
0:41:47 > 0:41:48now they're taking the letters.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53And I support it, I do, I support it, except for the last one.
0:41:53 > 0:41:55Kinky.
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Are kinky people a marginalised group now?
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Kinky's just a matter of opinion, innit?
0:42:01 > 0:42:04What's kinky to me might just be Tuesday for you, you piece of shit!
0:42:13 > 0:42:15I tell you one thing, right? Officially...
0:42:15 > 0:42:19Officially, there's over 50 different genders now.
0:42:19 > 0:42:2250! It's catching up with Pokemon.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27And I support it, again, I support all these different genders
0:42:27 > 0:42:28but I tell you one thing -
0:42:28 > 0:42:31that's really going the ruin the game Guess Who?.
0:42:34 > 0:42:35"Is it a man?" "No." "OK."
0:42:38 > 0:42:41"Is it someone who was born a man and now lives as a woman?"
0:42:41 > 0:42:42"No." "OK."
0:42:45 > 0:42:47"Is it someone who was born a man
0:42:47 > 0:42:49"but no longer lives as a man or a woman,
0:42:49 > 0:42:52"refers to themselves as gender fluid
0:42:52 > 0:42:55"and doesn't answer the pronouns he or she?"
0:42:56 > 0:42:58"Also wearing a hat."
0:43:10 > 0:43:13Guys. I just want to say, back when I was trying to make it as a comic,
0:43:13 > 0:43:15I used to work here as a security guard.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18So doing this now has been a legit dream come true.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Thank you very much, man!
0:43:25 > 0:43:27Darren Harriott!
0:43:28 > 0:43:30And give it up for the acts you've seen, Jen Brister!
0:43:32 > 0:43:33Darren Harriott!
0:43:35 > 0:43:37And I've been Rob Beckett. Be lucky and goodnight!