0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Oh, we have a great show for you tonight, we have a fantastic show,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47very funny comedians. I know funny, I do, very funny.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48People always ask me who I think is funny,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51that's the number two question I get asked, as a comedian.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54The number one question I get asked as a comedian is, "Have you ever died?"
0:00:54 > 0:00:57As soon as someone...as soon as you tell someone you're a comedian,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59the first thing they want to know, "Oh, have you ever died?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01"Oh, what's it like when no-one laughs?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04"Oh, tell us about the worst gig you've ever had in your life!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07"Please relive for me in minute detail
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"the worst moment of your professional career!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"Have you ever really died?" It's like saying to a doctor,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15"Tell us about the last patient you lost. What happened?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18"Were the family crying? I bet they were, were they?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"Yeah, yeah?" People are such ghouls,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22it's the number one question, "Have you ever died?"
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Number two question, though, is, "What makes you laugh?"
0:01:24 > 0:01:27People always want to know that from me. "Who do you think is funny?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:30And that's a nicer question, that's more understandable.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I make people laugh, people want to know what makes me laugh.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35In the same way as you might say to your hairdresser,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38"Who cuts your hair?" Or you might say to someone in an Audi,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"Who do you think drives like a cock?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Same kind of thing. LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I like that joke. It's a short joke, it's a sharp joke,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and also, with that joke, I get to spot every Audi driver in the room.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I can just see...the pissed expression on your face there.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54All right, no need to be like that about it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58I've done well for meself, it's a very reliable machine.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And the fact that I can tell you're an Audi driver by the expression on
0:02:01 > 0:02:02your face means, technically,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05you've just given a form of indication.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07So well done! Good for you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10I knew you could do it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Yeah... "Have you ever died?" "Who do you think is funny?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You always get asked the same questions.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I don't like doing interviews. I love doing this job, this is great,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I love standing here talking to you,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24but doing interviews, it's a necessary evil,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26it's part of the job, having to answer questions,
0:02:26 > 0:02:27and I don't even like watching interviews!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You'd rather watch a comedian tell jokes
0:02:29 > 0:02:31than talk about how they wrote them.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33You'd rather watch a singer sing songs than
0:02:33 > 0:02:34talk about their inspiration.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You'd rather watch a sportsperson do their sport.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40You'd certainly rather watch a sportsperson do their sport, come on now!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Sports interviews can be turgid affairs at best.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"And then I hit it with me foot."
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"You mean you kicked it?" "If you like."
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And I'm not slagging sportspeople.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52It takes a great deal of single-mindedness to excel
0:02:52 > 0:02:55at a sport to a point where people want to interview you about it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57But sportspeople are famous cos they're good at sport -
0:02:57 > 0:03:00not cos they're good at talking about sport!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02That's why, you find a sportsperson who is
0:03:02 > 0:03:07good at talking about sport, the BBC will cream their knickers over them!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"We've found a woman, she used to ride horses, that's a sport,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12"and she's quite lively and engaging and charismatic."
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"Put her on absolutely everything!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"Do not let her out of your sight!"
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Even people I'm a fan of - Andy Murray.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I love Andy Murray, Britain should be very proud of Andy Murray,
0:03:24 > 0:03:25he's done a lot to be proud of.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28He's won Wimbledon, he's an Olympic gold medallist, and he put up
0:03:28 > 0:03:30with a lot of shit when he was only, what, eighth best in the world?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32"Oh, you bloody loser, ya!"
0:03:34 > 0:03:35He's done a lot to be proud of.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38He's won Wimbledon, he's an Olympic gold medallist,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40and he's magnanimous in victory, he's humble in defeat...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42..and he's a big comedy fan!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45He's been to see me live, I've met him, lovely bloke.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47But Jesus Christ!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I cannot listen to him drone on one more time about how
0:03:51 > 0:03:53he won/lost another tennis match, I can't do it!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56DRONING VOICE: "Well, I hit it to him...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"..and he hit it back to me, and...
0:03:59 > 0:04:03"I'm very good at tennis, but he is also very good at tennis, erm...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"Some days I'm better at tennis than he is,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"but I think what's happened today was, he was slightly better
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"at tennis than I am, and that's maybe why he won the game of..."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Oh, for God's sake, man!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I'm not very sporty, you can probably tell.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I like hill-walking, doesn't really count as a sport.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I like hill-walking and camping - proper camping, though.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24None of your glamping bullshit!
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Glamping - derivation of the words "glamorous" and "camping" -
0:04:30 > 0:04:32where you stay in a yurt, which is more expensive than a hotel.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33What is wrong with you?!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39A lot of people don't realise that "yurt" is a derivation of the words "you're a" and "twat".
0:04:39 > 0:04:41A lot of people don't realise that, but it's true.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44I like the proper stuff, proper camping.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47The only thing about proper camping, though, when you're carrying
0:04:47 > 0:04:50all your stuff on your back, long-distance trekking, that kind of
0:04:50 > 0:04:52thing, the only thing about that is, sometimes you wake up
0:04:52 > 0:04:55in the morning and the first thing you have to do is put on wet socks.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57That's a depressing way to start the day, putting on wet socks,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59but, you know, what are you going to do?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You've got to wank into something, am I right?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:04What?!
0:05:04 > 0:05:08That's a good... I love the reaction that joke gets, I really do!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I love it! There's a real feeling of, "Oh, no, no, no!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"We thought we were getting a nice joke about camping
0:05:15 > 0:05:18"and instead, we get a horrible joke about wanking!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20"This is not on."
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Which is a weird reaction,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25considering more people in this room wank than camp, so...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:05:30 > 0:05:33No, I love the camping. I'm not Bear Grylls - he's obsessed!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Bear Grylls, he's a bit too much into it, he's virtually
0:05:36 > 0:05:39a homeless person when you look at him, he's ridiculous!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I'm jealous of Bear Grylls, cos Bear Grylls has his own range
0:05:41 > 0:05:44of survival tools, did you know that, with the Gerber tool company.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47He has the Bear Grylls survival tool range. I'm jealous,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50cos that's a perfect bit of advertising synergy - that works.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Cos Bear Grylls' name is synonymous with the word "survival" -
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and also the word "tool".
0:05:56 > 0:05:57So that works very well.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I'm into the outdoors, I'm trying to get my kids
0:06:01 > 0:06:03into the outdoors as well, trying to get them involved.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I have two kids...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I have two boys, one is...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09One is nearly seven, the other is five.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13There's 17 months in the age difference.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15My wife didn't want there to be too big a gap -
0:06:15 > 0:06:17so she had them both by caesarean.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I have two kids. And it's great! It's great having kids.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27It does put stress on the relationship, I have to admit.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And you can tell that the stress has been placed on the relationship -
0:06:29 > 0:06:31it's how you greet each other in the morning.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34That's a real measure of how you're getting on as a couple.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I remember, before we had kids, I'd say things to my wife in the
0:06:36 > 0:06:38morning, first thing out of my mouth would be something like,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"Oh, that was a crazy night last night!"
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Or, "Here she is, Mrs Dances On The Tables! What are we doing today?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"What are we doing today to take on the world together as a team?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"You and me against the world, together, my darling?"
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Something like that. But two years ago,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I remember my wife is coming down the stairs,
0:06:51 > 0:06:54and the first words out of my mouth to this beautiful woman I'm spending
0:06:54 > 0:06:57the rest of my life with were the words, "Oh, good, you're up.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Watch him while I have a shit." Where's the love?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Where's the romance in that?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"Watch him while I have a shit."
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I think the worst part of that is,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I could've just left something to the imagination.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I could've said, "Will you just give me a few minutes?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16But, no, I wanted her to know.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19And I wanted her to know I'd been waiting.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I'm not just going in there for a skive, yeah?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Important shitting business is taking place.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Yes, I'm taking the iPad, but nevertheless...
0:07:28 > 0:07:31But having two kids is interesting, it's really...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33It's really fascinating. Because you have one kid first,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35that's usually how it works,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37and the love you feel for that newborn baby,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39that love you feel for that first kid is incredible,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42because when it's newborn, it's a very pure, uncomplicated love,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45because it hasn't done anything to annoy you yet.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47So it's an all-encompassing feeling.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51And you think, "I don't have room in my heart to love anyone else as much
0:07:51 > 0:07:52"as I love this kid." That's what you think.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55You think, "I don't have the capacity as a human being to love
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"anyone else as much as I love this baby.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"I don't have the energy, I just can't do it,
0:07:59 > 0:08:00"I couldn't possibly ever love
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"anyone else as much as I love this baby."
0:08:02 > 0:08:06And then you have a second child and you realise...you were right!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08It's incredible!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10It's an incredible thing to learn.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Well, it's just hard to crank up the enthusiasm all over again, isn't it?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Look, he's rolling over! Yeah, you know, we've got one that walks.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21That wins.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22That's all there is!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27No, I love both of my children equally yet uniquely.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30But I've a hell of a lot more photographs of one of them,
0:08:30 > 0:08:32and that's just true! That's just a fact!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's the photographs that are the killer, it really is.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I see some young people in here.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Anybody here in their sort of low 20s,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42or down, who has an older sibling?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43MAN WHOOPS
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- No? Yourself, there, what's your name?- Sammy.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Sammy, and what's your older sibling called, Sammy?- Mahi.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50- And how old is Mahi?- 28.
0:08:50 > 0:08:5328. OK, here we go, here's a bit of advice I want to give you, right?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Here's what you do. Next time you want something from your parents,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58whatever it is, what you do is you say you want to see all
0:08:58 > 0:09:00the photographs of Mahi when they were a baby, OK?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Say it's for some art project or a little present you're
0:09:02 > 0:09:04working on, something like that, OK?
0:09:04 > 0:09:08They'll show you somewhere in the region of 7,000 photographs, OK?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11And after a quick glance at them, just go, "All right, cool,"
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and then, almost like it's an afterthought, say,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"Can I see all the photographs of me when I was a baby?"
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Watch them panic.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22They will produce somewhere in the region of eight photographs...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26..six of which are of Mahi holding you.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31And that's when you look them in the eye and say,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"I think it's time I owned my own car." There is nothing...!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38There is nothing they won't give you at that moment!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:44 > 0:09:47We have two kids, and two will do, we're stopping at two.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50So I decided...well, we decided, it's been decided!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's been decided that I should have a vasectomy.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57So I went to the doctor, because
0:09:57 > 0:10:00let's leave this one to the experts, yeah?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I mean, at DIY, I draw the line at certain things.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10I went to the doctor...
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Now, my local GP is a woman.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I've never thought of her as a woman, I just think of her as a doctor.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17She's our local GP, that's all she is in my head, right?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Until this day when I went to see her, I said, "We've got two kids,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21"as you know. I don't want any more,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23"so I'd like to have a vasectomy."
0:10:23 > 0:10:26She stops me and goes, "I can't talk to you about this on your own.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27"I need to discuss this with your wife as well,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"because this affects her too."
0:10:29 > 0:10:32And I'm like, "But they're my balls!"
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And I realise how high-pitched that came out.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It does rob me of some of the authority I'm trying to convey,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41but they're my balls!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44And she just gives me this condescending doctor-y look, like,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48"We get a lot of men in here thinking it's their balls.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55"You are merely the keeper of the balls.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"I need to discuss this with the owner of the balls.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04"As the leaseholder,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07"if you wish to make any structural changes to the property,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11"you will need the permission of the freeholder.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"If you could have her come down at her earliest convenience, please."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16So I go home, tell my wife the news.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18The following week, we go down to the doctor together.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Now, since the kids, we don't get out
0:11:20 > 0:11:22of the house together very often any more,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24so we neck a bottle of red wine and call it date night.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29We go to the doctor, and it's like they don't want to do it!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I understand they have to make sure that you're a candidate
0:11:32 > 0:11:34for surgery, but the questions they ask!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37First of all, she says, "Have you really thought about this?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Which I think is the dumbest
0:11:38 > 0:11:40question I've ever been asked in my life.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Have we thought about it? "No, we were passing.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"We were passing and we heard that you do operations for free,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"and we love a bargain, so here we are.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52"We rolled dice to decide what was happening - double one,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"I'm having a vasectomy, that's just how it came up.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"Which is a shame, because she has a rash that really needs looking at,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"but she didn't get the six and the one she needs. Rules are rules."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Have we thought about it?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07"No! I woke up this morning and went, 'Me balls don't hurt.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09" 'How do I remedy the situation?' "
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Yes, we thought about it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Then she says, "Are you sure you don't want any more children?"
0:12:15 > 0:12:17And the two of us are quick as lightning,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"We've never been more sure of anything in our entire lives."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22We've barely said a civil word to each other in about six years.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23But it makes you think,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26what did you think we were answering in the first question?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"Have you thought about this?" "Yes, we have."
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"Are you sure you don't want to have any more children?"
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"Oh, that didn't come up. I thought we'd examined...
0:12:33 > 0:12:34"I thought we were thinking about it,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"but it turns out that means we can't have any more kids!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"We did not cover that when we were thinking about it."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Then she says, "Have you considered other forms of contraception?"
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Which we have. Obviously there's the Pill, which, as you get older,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51there's more health risks involved, particularly if you're a bloke.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56There's condoms! Condoms - excellent form of contraception!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58If you're out there, you're on the scene,
0:12:58 > 0:12:59use condoms, they're fine things.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02But they're more of a young person's game.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04It's all well and good when you're young.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- You there on the end, what age are you?- 24.- You're 24.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- What's your name?- Ben.- Ben? Ben, 24.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13See, condoms, not a problem for the likes of you, Ben,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16because, Ben, there's a difference between you and I.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18You're 24, I'm 45, and the main difference between you and I?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22It's our erections. You know? LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Our erections, they're not the same.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And the main difference in our erections? It's very simple, Ben.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Ben, your erection will wait while
0:13:28 > 0:13:31you go and get a condom, won't it, Ben? Yeah, yeah.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32I envy you, Ben.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You can just stop, you can go to the drawer,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43and he's waiting for you when you get back! He's like,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45"Yeah. Evening."
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Just think, you don't have to keep
0:13:48 > 0:13:51tending to it while you're away, do you?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You don't have to keep grinding it
0:13:57 > 0:13:59into the mattress just to keep it alive!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01None of that for you, Ben, none of that! Envy you.
0:14:01 > 0:14:0524-year-old erection just needs to know it's all still happening.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07It's just like, "We're still doing it, though, right?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"We're still doing it? OK, I'll wait, you do what you have to do.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"Eyes on the prize." "Eye on the prize?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Your cock's cracking jokes now, Ben.
0:14:17 > 0:14:2124-year-old erection will wait while you go to the shops to buy condoms!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I remember that like it was yesterday.
0:14:30 > 0:14:3245-year-old erection's not the same, Ben.
0:14:32 > 0:14:3645-year-old erection is a far more unreliable beast.
0:14:36 > 0:14:4045-year-old erection's like, "Why have we stopped?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42"I didn't want to do this in the first place.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"You convinced me it was a good idea, and now,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"just as I'm getting into me stride, we've stopped.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52"You better give me a good reason, otherwise I'm going back to me nap.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56"You are losing me. Hitting me isn't going to help!"
0:14:58 > 0:15:00So condoms, not so much.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03And then, of course, there's withdrawal!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Which is not the most reliable form of contraception...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08..as my second son is testament to.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14But it is the most, shall we say...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16..cinematic?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It's quite a beautiful thing, isn't it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Quite a beautiful thing, withdrawal. But again, a young person's game.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's all well and good in your 20s, or even your 30s,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29to be lobbing ropes all over the bedroom, but...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32..but when you're 45 and your wife is 44,
0:15:32 > 0:15:36it's just unseemly now, isn't it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40You can't go spraying your business all over her,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42that's the mother of your children, for God's sake!
0:15:42 > 0:15:47Have some manners! Have some respect!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51You can't go blurting your muck all over those things!
0:15:51 > 0:15:55The children were eating out of those just a few short years ago!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57What are you doing, man?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01That's not what they're for any more!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03It's inappropriate!
0:16:03 > 0:16:07You wouldn't go chucking it into his Fireman Sam cup, would you?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10No, exactly! Exactly!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I didn't say all of this to the doctor, can I just clarify?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19I just said, "Yes, we have considered
0:16:19 > 0:16:21"other forms of contraception."
0:16:22 > 0:16:24And then she says to my wife,
0:16:24 > 0:16:25"Well, you're going to be going
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"through the menopause soon anyway..."
0:16:27 > 0:16:29So I just hid.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33If that was a man who'd said that,
0:16:33 > 0:16:35he'd have been dead before he hit the floor.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38She says, "You're going to be going through the menopause soon anyway,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"so you'll want to be fitted with an IUD."
0:16:40 > 0:16:44And I'm like, "A roadside bomb? What on earth?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"How hard do you think the menopause is going to hit my wife?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"And just what kind of military-grade jizz
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"do you think I'm chucking her way,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"that she needs to build some sort
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"of womb-based insurgency to fight it?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:01So in the end, it just didn't happen.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02We didn't... Unless my wife was
0:17:02 > 0:17:04prepared to try the coil for a few months,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06they just weren't going to do it.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09And my wife didn't fancy the idea of the coil. I liked the idea!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I liked the idea of her having a device inside her that fought me.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15It was a wee bit like banging the Terminator, you know?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17As a sci-fi nerd, it appealed to me.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Honey, when I pull your hair, say, "Hasta la vista, baby!"
0:17:19 > 0:17:21She wasn't into it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23So, in the end, yeah, I'm still intact,
0:17:23 > 0:17:24which is probably just as well,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27because, to be honest with you, folks, 45...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29You know, having a vasectomy now,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31it's a bit like buying an exercise bike.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34You tell yourself you're going to use it all the time...
0:17:36 > 0:17:37..but be honest...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41..you're just going to end up hanging your washing on it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Folks, are we ready for our first act?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Ladies and gentlemen, I have had the pleasure of working
0:17:52 > 0:17:55with this comedian quite a few times over the last couple of years,
0:17:55 > 0:17:56and she always makes me howl.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Will you please put your hands together, welcome to the stage
0:17:59 > 0:18:01the very funny Angela Barnes!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Hello, Apollo! How are you doing, are you all right?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16CHEERING Good, what lovely people you are!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I must start with an apology.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Right, I get to do Live At The Apollo, and listen to my voice.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I sound like a teenage boy. I've got a really croaky...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I know it's bad at the moment, my voice, right?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Because when you've got a croaky voice, people who work
0:18:28 > 0:18:31in call centres, they will use it to try and get you onside.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I got a cold call this morning.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34She said, "Hello, is that Miss Barnes?"
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I said, "Yes, speaking." She's like, "Miss Barnes,
0:18:37 > 0:18:38"you sound like you've got a terrible cold."
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I said, "Really? You sound like you
0:18:40 > 0:18:43"got a third in media studies from Luton. What do you want?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:47So I've just had a big birthday, ladies and gentlemen,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I just recently turned 40!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51CHEERING
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I'll take your cheers, I was hoping for gasps of surprise.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57People go mad, they go mad when they hit 40.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01I've got a friend who hit 40, she decided to write a bucket list.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04You know, a list of all the things she wants to do before she dies.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07D'you know what I hear when I hear the phrase "bucket list"?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I hear admin.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12They're always so ambitious, aren't they?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"Oh, I want to swim with dolphins, I want to go to the Taj Mahal..."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18The only thing I could think of that I genuinely wanted to
0:19:18 > 0:19:21put on my bucket list is that one day,
0:19:21 > 0:19:25one day I want to put half a packet of biscuits back in a cupboard!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Bucket list! I'm not making a bucket list, I'm making a "fuck it" list!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36That's what I'm making.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39All the things that now I'm 40 I'm just going to let
0:19:39 > 0:19:40myself off the hook for, right?
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Number one, I will never be able to tell if a poem is good or not!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I don't believe anyone actually can, right?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I can't shake the feeling that poetry is a medium for people
0:19:53 > 0:19:55who have never been told they're shit.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Poets, innit, it's poets that are the problem.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I feel the same way about poets as I do about the police.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You know, I understand that society needs you,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10but to want to be one you've got to be a bit of a prick.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I might be bitter. I dated a poet when I was in my 20s.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I say a poet, he worked for Lambeth Council,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22but he called himself a poet.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25And he used to sit in a room and read poetry to me!
0:20:27 > 0:20:31What are you supposed to do with your face while that is happening?!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I swear to God, I only ever slept with him to shut him up!
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Number two, number two, group sex - I'm not doing it!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I thought I'd like it, I don't think I will, right?
0:20:44 > 0:20:45What if I don't get picked?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Final thing, final thing on my list is drinking.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I'm no good at it, right?
0:20:54 > 0:20:55I thought by the time I was 40,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I thought I'd be a sophisticated drinker, you know,
0:20:58 > 0:21:03supping red wine with my friends, talking about current affairs...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I basically thought I'd be French.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07It hasn't happened.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11You never see a French person, do you, with red-wine lips? Never.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Me? Two glasses of red wine, I look like I've sucked off a felt tip!
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Why's that?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20No idea.
0:21:20 > 0:21:2240 was good, I had a good party.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26My boyfriend spoiled me for my 40th, he bought me a lovely present,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28it's something I'd always wanted, right?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30He bought me this handmade corset, it was beautiful,
0:21:30 > 0:21:34I'd always wanted one, right? And I put it on on my birthday.
0:21:34 > 0:21:3715 minutes it took me to get into this thing, right,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and I put it on, and I looked in the mirror, and I looked amazing...
0:21:42 > 0:21:43..from the front.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Cos that shit has to go somewhere, don't it?
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I had four back breasts, and a kidney on each buttock!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I do have a boyfriend, we've been together for three years,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00my boyfriend and I. Before that, I was single for a really long time.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03You know, like an embarrassingly long time.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05You know, I thought it was terminal.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I thought I was going to be one of those women who just dies
0:22:08 > 0:22:11alone at home with a cat eating her face, that's what I thought.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I mean, that wouldn't happen, cos I won't have a cat.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I won't have a cat. If I want shit in my kitchen, I'll do it myself,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19d'you know what I mean?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Some people find it very easy to find a partner,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26some people go from one to the next to the next...
0:22:26 > 0:22:30No bother at all. You know, I never found it that easy.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Did you know, even Oscar Pistorius, while under house arrest,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36managed to get himself a new girlfriend?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:41She must've been shitting herself!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Largely because it was safer than using the bathroom.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:51 > 0:22:54No, we've been together three years, my fella and I.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Before that, I did a lot of dating.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You know, I dated a lot of younger men, just cos there's more of 'em,
0:22:59 > 0:23:03and, erm, it's not as much fun as you'd think, dating younger men.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06When I was 37, I went on a date with a 23-year-old.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08No, it wasn't, honestly, love.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I tell you, right, I knew it wasn't going to work out
0:23:10 > 0:23:13when he got a bit of spaghetti Bolognaise on his cheek
0:23:13 > 0:23:14and I spat on a hanky and wiped it off!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Opposites attract, that's what they say, innit?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Opposites attract, so it's fine, it works between us.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24The only time it's been tricky, really, is when we're trying
0:23:24 > 0:23:26to decide where to go on holiday together,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28because I'm a bit of a history geek, you know?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I like places with museums or a monastery or something, you know.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33He said these words to me.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"Oh, we should go on a survival holiday!"
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"Make your mind up, mate, are we surviving or are we on holiday?"
0:23:40 > 0:23:44That's... Survival holiday? That's an oxymoron, isn't it?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48It's like fun run.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Or Fox News.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Satire, you're welcome.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00No, we have been on holiday together.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02We went to New Zealand together last year, that was nice.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Have you been to New Zealand? Oh, it's beautiful!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Beautiful country, like, the most stunning scenery!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12But it has to be, because it is bloody miles away from everywhere.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Like, it is even miles away from Australia.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Like, if the place looked like Swindon, it'd be deserted!
0:24:18 > 0:24:2126 hours it takes to get there!
0:24:21 > 0:24:2426 hours! I've had relationships shorter than that.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh, and you may or may not know this, ladies and gentlemen,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30apparently Lord Of The Rings was filmed there,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34because they never bloody mention it!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Everywhere you go! You fly into Wellington Airport,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40it literally says, "Welcome to Middle Earth"!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44You're greeted by Gandalf in arrivals, he's there.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47You've got all the creatures swooping down over your head.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50It's like, I get it, you had a good film franchise!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53You know, we had Carry On films. You don't walk through Heathrow
0:24:53 > 0:24:56underneath Barbara Windsor's tits, do you? Calm down!
0:24:56 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:01 > 0:25:04We want the same things from life, we do. Like, we don't want kids.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Right, now, people think that when you say you don't want kids,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09it's because you hate kids. And I don't hate kids,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13I just don't trust me to keep one alive - different thing!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15And bringing up kids in this country now,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17we don't know what's going to happen with Brexit.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It's happening now, we've just got to deal with it, whatever you voted!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21We don't know what's going to happen.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I mean, I just think, why on earth did we have that referendum?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27If you know who your regional MEP is
0:25:27 > 0:25:30then you ARE your regional MEP!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:39 > 0:25:41People can't get their heads around me not wanting children.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44They really can't get their heads around it at all.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45I went to see my doctor a couple of
0:25:45 > 0:25:47years ago about something completely unrelated.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And he said to me, "You do know, Angela, you do know
0:25:50 > 0:25:51"if you were to have a child now,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"you'd be what we call a geriatric mother?"
0:25:56 > 0:25:58He's dead now, so...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00He said to me, "Why don't you get some eggs frozen?"
0:26:00 > 0:26:03He said, "Why don't you freeze some eggs and, if you change your mind,
0:26:03 > 0:26:04"they're there, you can use them?"
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And I thought about it, I really thought about it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09And then I thought, "Do you know what?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11"Every time I've frozen something...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14"..it's gone a bit shit, right?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18"Do I want my children to be the human equivalent of a ready meal?"
0:26:19 > 0:26:22What about when little Findus and Sara Lee go off to school?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25When they get taught about the birds and the bees,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28they're going to get taken into a separate room and get told,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"Your mum went to Iceland." No!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35People can't get their heads around it. They say things to me like,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"Who's going to look after you when you get old?"
0:26:38 > 0:26:40That's not why you have kids, is it?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43It doesn't seem right. I know we have to worry about these things,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45cos we're all living longer, aren't we?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47There are so many 100-year-olds in this country now, the Queen's
0:26:47 > 0:26:49had to get a Moonpig account to keep up!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I find it weird that people think it's OK to ask you about your
0:26:56 > 0:27:00reproductive choices. It's a private question, isn't it?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02It's like asking about your sex life, essentially.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05And also, I'm 40, and I don't have any children.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09There could be a really awkward or upsetting answer to that question,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12couldn't there? Why would you ask anyone a question that could have an
0:27:12 > 0:27:14awkward or upsetting answer?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17You wouldn't ask someone why they're bald, would you?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20You wouldn't ask a couple from Norfolk how they're related.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Like...
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Why does that question seem to be small talk?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I want to make it awkward when they ask me.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I want to say to them, "Oh, I had a baby, but I ate it."
0:27:37 > 0:27:41There are loads of reasons for not having kids, and people can't...
0:27:41 > 0:27:42People get angry with me, so angry!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Because I don't want to have...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Often the people who get most angry with me for not wanting to have
0:27:47 > 0:27:51children are the same people that are angry about high levels
0:27:51 > 0:27:53of immigration in this country.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Well, are we full up or not? Pick a team!
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Right? Last year, Katie Hopkins wrote an article in the Daily Mail
0:28:01 > 0:28:04in which she said that childless women were odd
0:28:04 > 0:28:07and lacked a human connection.
0:28:08 > 0:28:13Katie Hopkins thinks that I lack a human connection!
0:28:13 > 0:28:18That is like being called racist by also Katie Hopkins!
0:28:18 > 0:28:22It's madness! Right?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:29I don't know where it came from, this idea that compassion belongs
0:28:29 > 0:28:31to parents and not the rest of us.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34You know, it's weird. Some compassionate people have children,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37some don't. Some not very compassionate people have children,
0:28:37 > 0:28:38some don't. Piers Morgan has children.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40End of argument!
0:28:44 > 0:28:48I see my friends with kids, and I feel for them, it's a hard job!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51It's really tough, I've got friends now with teenagers.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Oh, my God, that is hard. I've got a friend who's got a teenage son,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56he's the laziest thing I've ever seen in my life.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Like, for his birthday, she bought him one of those pedometers?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01You know, that measures how many steps you do in a day?
0:29:01 > 0:29:03She bought him one you wear on your wrist.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05He's a teenage boy. You're going to
0:29:05 > 0:29:08get a false reading there, love, think about it!
0:29:08 > 0:29:11LAUGHTER
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Loads of reasons for not having kids.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Here's one of mine right now. Ladies in the room, you can vouch for this.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20As women, we get our bits looked at all the time.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24Right, all the time - nurses, gynaecologists... Fuck it,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26I'll let the window cleaner have a look, right?
0:29:26 > 0:29:29Everyone! Now, every time a nurse or a gynaecologist
0:29:29 > 0:29:33has had a look at my bits, they have told me,
0:29:33 > 0:29:37and I quote, that I have a lovely cervix.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40LAUGHTER Thank you.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44I grew it myself, thank you.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Now, I don't know what that means!
0:29:47 > 0:29:50But I do know that in my life, I have been told my cervix
0:29:50 > 0:29:54is lovely way more than I've been told my face is.
0:29:54 > 0:29:59I am buggered if I'm going to ruin the most complimented part
0:29:59 > 0:30:03of my body by just shoving a baby through it!
0:30:03 > 0:30:06I am literally beautiful on the inside!
0:30:06 > 0:30:09And that's the way I want it to stay.
0:30:09 > 0:30:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:10 > 0:30:13Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely delightful!
0:30:13 > 0:30:16I've been Angela Barnes, thank you very much, good night!
0:30:16 > 0:30:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:21 > 0:30:25Angela Barnes, ladies and gentlemen!
0:30:25 > 0:30:28Folks, are we ready for one more act? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:28 > 0:30:30We have a very fine comedian for you now.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Please put your hands together and welcome to the stage
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Mr Geoff Norcott!
0:30:35 > 0:30:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:42 > 0:30:45Thank you. Thanks so much. Thank you.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Thank you, it's an honour to be here.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Man, I grew up around here. Playing this gig is an honour, man.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Thank you, thanks very much for having me.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57Yeah. South-west London boy in the house.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59I'm going away on holiday with my wife soon.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Going away with my wife, she does this thing, right?
0:31:02 > 0:31:05If you get her in an airport, I'm not allowed to have my own passport.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing,
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I'm a 40-year-old man, I get to passport control, they say,
0:31:11 > 0:31:13"You got your passport, mate?"
0:31:13 > 0:31:16I'm like, "No! I'm not allowed to carry it,
0:31:16 > 0:31:19"because apparently I'm not mature enough!"
0:31:19 > 0:31:22I don't know what happens, man. The moment you get her near an airport,
0:31:22 > 0:31:25she becomes like some sort of Russian people-trafficker,
0:31:25 > 0:31:27do you know what I mean?
0:31:27 > 0:31:30She's like, "I must have all the passports!
0:31:30 > 0:31:35"You, you cannot handle passport, you are too stupid for passport.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39"I must keep all passports in zippy, clear travel document folder, eh?
0:31:41 > 0:31:45"Alongside printout from TripAdvisor.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48"But you may carry the bags."
0:31:50 > 0:31:51I'm like a peasant boy for the day.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54"Oh, thank you, master, thank you very much!
0:31:54 > 0:31:58"Yes, it's a real honour for me to carry your bags, you know?
0:31:58 > 0:32:02"11 pair of shoes for three-day mini-break is a good idea, eh?
0:32:02 > 0:32:04"Yes! Maybe you will become a centipede
0:32:04 > 0:32:06"while we are in Egypt, who knows?"
0:32:11 > 0:32:14I went on a stag do recently, I went to the Munich Beer Festival.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Has anybody here been to the Munich Beer Fest?
0:32:17 > 0:32:21CHEERING Seemingly everybody.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24How many days did you go for, mate? No days.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Got deported on arrival.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29We went for seven days. We got there on a Monday, right?
0:32:29 > 0:32:32We had six straight days drinking, Monday through Saturday.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35And on Sunday, we said, "We've got to do something different."
0:32:35 > 0:32:38So we went to Dachau Concentration Camp.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44It was a weird shout, there's no getting away from it.
0:32:46 > 0:32:47Could've gone go-karting.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51I said, "No, let's do some World War II here."
0:32:51 > 0:32:54It took a long time to get there, and when we got there, it was shut.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Now... Yeah, it felt inconvenient.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00However...given the wider backdrop of historical suffering,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I didn't necessarily think that my inconvenience was that big a deal.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05So I just thought, "I'll take it on the chin."
0:33:05 > 0:33:07But we had a mate with us called Tim
0:33:07 > 0:33:10and Tim started popping off at the German security guard.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14He said, "Mate, it's a Sunday, yeah? It's a big tourist day.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16"It's outrageous that it's shut."
0:33:16 > 0:33:19I said, "To be fair, it's outrageous that it was ever open,
0:33:19 > 0:33:22"you know what I mean?" LAUGHTER
0:33:22 > 0:33:25APPLAUSE
0:33:27 > 0:33:30"It is weird that you are making this about you, Tim, to be honest."
0:33:32 > 0:33:34People say dumb things, don't they?
0:33:34 > 0:33:36I was having a beer with my mate Wayne the other day.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40And Wayne... Wayne likes to tell you where he was on the occasion of big
0:33:40 > 0:33:43historical news events that happened within our lifetime, all right?
0:33:43 > 0:33:46So I mentioned 9/11, and Wayne went,
0:33:46 > 0:33:48"9/11. Remember where I was that day."
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I was like, "Don't care, don't care where you were,
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"I don't see how it's relevant.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56"I don't see how your whereabouts on that fateful,
0:33:56 > 0:33:59"terrible day will form some sort of meaningful historical footnote,
0:33:59 > 0:34:02"Wayne, I'm being honest here."
0:34:02 > 0:34:05He looked hurt, he went... I went, "All right, where were you?"
0:34:05 > 0:34:07He went, "Karate." I went, "See,
0:34:07 > 0:34:09"that...that's exactly the sort of
0:34:09 > 0:34:13"trivial shit I was worried about, Wayne."
0:34:13 > 0:34:16He said, "Well, you know, I was in New York six months before that.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19"Makes you think, doesn't it?" I was like, "No! No!
0:34:19 > 0:34:22"To be honest, all it makes me think is, I wish you'd been there
0:34:22 > 0:34:25"six months later! I'm sorry.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27"I call it as I see it."
0:34:28 > 0:34:29So I used to be a teacher.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32I think teaching was the first place that I realised that
0:34:32 > 0:34:35I was kind of slightly traditional, old-fashioned, right of centre,
0:34:35 > 0:34:38because teaching's quite a leftie sort of profession, isn't it?
0:34:38 > 0:34:40And I was an English teacher, and I remember
0:34:40 > 0:34:43I was teaching this one class, and the head of English come in, right?
0:34:43 > 0:34:45I forget her name, it was something like Mrs Hyphen-Mung Bean
0:34:45 > 0:34:48or something like that, right? She comes in...
0:34:48 > 0:34:51She said, "Mr Norcott, is it OK if I address your class for a minute?"
0:34:51 > 0:34:54I said, "Well, it's a minute I don't have to do, knock yourself out."
0:34:57 > 0:34:58And then she gave them this long speech,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01and at the end she goes, "Right, kids, in the English department,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04"we are very big on the idea that there are no wrong answers."
0:35:04 > 0:35:06I was like...
0:35:06 > 0:35:07There are.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11There are wrong answers, though, obviously, I mean, they're...
0:35:11 > 0:35:13They're a bottom set, like...
0:35:15 > 0:35:16No, they're lovely kids,
0:35:16 > 0:35:20but even the register is a bloody minefield, you know what I'm saying?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23And I could tell that she wanted to tell me that I was wrong, but...
0:35:23 > 0:35:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:28 > 0:35:29Live by the sword.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35You can't tell teenagers that there are no wrong answers!
0:35:35 > 0:35:37That's what they already think!
0:35:37 > 0:35:40That's the most dangerous thing to tell a teenager!
0:35:40 > 0:35:42I had this girl called Georgia, very stroppy girl,
0:35:42 > 0:35:44came from a good family, but a real problem, right?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46And now she thinks there are no wrong answers.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48She wouldn't read Of Mice And Men,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51but she felt confident enough to share her views on the text.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53She went, "I'm not going to read it cos
0:35:53 > 0:35:56"I don't actually think it's got that much mice in it."
0:35:57 > 0:35:59I don't even know what that means, still don't know.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Right? So I got her parents up the school.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Now, her mum was all right, but the dad,
0:36:03 > 0:36:06the moment I saw the dad, I got a sense of the problem, right?
0:36:06 > 0:36:09He was one of these modern, namby-pamby, middle-class parents
0:36:09 > 0:36:11who's just weak as shite...
0:36:11 > 0:36:13And everything I said to him, he just deflected it back.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I said, "Mr Simpson, your daughter is obstructing
0:36:15 > 0:36:17"the learning for the other girls in the class."
0:36:17 > 0:36:20And he went, "Well, you know, bless Georgia, bless Georgia.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"The thing is, Mr Norcott, she's just trying to express herself."
0:36:23 > 0:36:26I said, "It's not that, mate - she doesn't know any stuff."
0:36:28 > 0:36:30I hate her. I hate her so much.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35He said, "Well, the thing is, Mr Norcott,
0:36:35 > 0:36:37"when I grew up, my dad, he never let me express myself.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39"He was always cutting me off..."
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I went, "Can I just stop you there, mate?" I said...
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I said, "I think I know the problem - it's you!
0:36:45 > 0:36:49"Like, you never told your daughter to shut the fuck up, I mean...!"
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Come on, that's an important part of parenting, isn't it?
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Obviously you've got to love them, nurture them,
0:36:56 > 0:36:57but every once in a while say,
0:36:57 > 0:37:00"You know what? You're talking shit. You might want to sit this one out."
0:37:02 > 0:37:03That's right, yeah.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:07 > 0:37:11"And while we're at it, no, you shouldn't go on X Factor, all right?
0:37:11 > 0:37:14"No, you shouldn't. It should be obvious why - you can't sing.
0:37:14 > 0:37:15"You cannot sing.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17"I know I cried when you sang Whitney,
0:37:17 > 0:37:19"but those were tears of shame, do you understand?
0:37:19 > 0:37:22"What's more, I'm not having you disrespecting me
0:37:22 > 0:37:23"in front of Dermot."
0:37:26 > 0:37:28But that's the problem, you know, when you teach.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Once the kids get to, like, 15, 16, you should be preparing them
0:37:31 > 0:37:33for the harsh world outside the school gates.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36But, no, at one school, really posh school,
0:37:36 > 0:37:39I was doing counselling for kids that had better lives than me!
0:37:40 > 0:37:42They had more money in their trust funds than
0:37:42 > 0:37:43I could borrow for a house!
0:37:44 > 0:37:47I'd sit there and go, "Oh, yeah, so that must have been tough for you.
0:37:47 > 0:37:51"Yeah, you're right, interest rates aren't what they were, yeah..."
0:37:52 > 0:37:55I had this one lad called Jordan, right? Jordan come in, and he, er...
0:37:55 > 0:37:57For once, it seemed like it might be a genuine problem,
0:37:57 > 0:37:59he looked absolutely stricken.
0:37:59 > 0:38:00He said, "I've got problems at home, sir."
0:38:00 > 0:38:02I said, "What is it, Jordan?"
0:38:02 > 0:38:04He said, "I've got to share a room with my brother."
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Oh, no!
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Yeah, I think I heard about this on Comic Relief, yeah.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17So I put my arm around him, I took him to the window, I said,
0:38:17 > 0:38:20"Look out there, Jordan. You see out there, son, it's the field?
0:38:20 > 0:38:23"See at the edge of that field is a fence, you see that?
0:38:23 > 0:38:26"Beyond that fence is approximately seven billion people that
0:38:26 > 0:38:29"don't give a fuck about what you just said.
0:38:29 > 0:38:30"They're all out there, bro."
0:38:30 > 0:38:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:33 > 0:38:34"The whole planet!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39"The whole planet - including me, it must be said. Including me, yeah.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41"I know I seem like I give a shit now,
0:38:41 > 0:38:43"but that's contractually obliged, it ain't the same."
0:38:44 > 0:38:47So, yeah, I was a teacher, and I will be able to teach again
0:38:47 > 0:38:50in four-and-a-half years, that's the, er...
0:38:50 > 0:38:51That's where we're at with that.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56So I am, like, quite conservative, d'you know what I mean?
0:38:56 > 0:38:59And I'll be honest with you, it's a nice, intimate crowd, erm,
0:38:59 > 0:39:02I voted Conservative at the last few elections.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Have we got any other Tories in?
0:39:04 > 0:39:05A FEW CHEERS
0:39:05 > 0:39:08Seems demographically unlikely, but let's go with it.
0:39:08 > 0:39:113,500 people, seven Tories.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13All right, let's go with that.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15I mean, voting Conservative's like
0:39:15 > 0:39:17buying a James Blunt album, isn't it?
0:39:17 > 0:39:20You know for a fact millions of other people have done it,
0:39:20 > 0:39:23but, weirdly, you never meet them. That's strange, isn't it?
0:39:23 > 0:39:26And look, I respect whatever your politics are. Let's be honest,
0:39:26 > 0:39:27British democracy's often about a
0:39:27 > 0:39:29choice between the least shit of two options.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32It's like you're going to get waterboarded,
0:39:32 > 0:39:34but you get a choice between sparkling or still.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36That is essentially it, that's it!
0:39:36 > 0:39:38That's all you're getting.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45You know... People say all the Tories are selfish and heartless.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48You know, maybe some are... Look, I sympathise with young people.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50The situation with housing, man.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52It's created this weird situation
0:39:52 > 0:39:55where young people live at home for ever, all right?
0:39:55 > 0:39:56It's weird. They live at home,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58they're not really part of the family, are they?
0:39:58 > 0:40:01They don't eat with the family ever, like, "No, Dad, no,
0:40:01 > 0:40:04"Dad, I don't want to eat with you, Dad, I'm going upstairs again...
0:40:04 > 0:40:06"Dad, Dad, is it all right if Claire stays?"
0:40:06 > 0:40:09"Well, you know, she's your wife and you're 35.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12"You can take the dogs and the twins with you.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15"He's never leaving, Shirley, is he?
0:40:15 > 0:40:19"I told you we shouldn't have built that extension."
0:40:19 > 0:40:20Because you forget, man...
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Forget left, right, Brexit, Remain, Leave, whatever.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26The next big conflict in this country's generational,
0:40:26 > 0:40:28I swear to God. There is going to be
0:40:28 > 0:40:31a civil war between young people and old people.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34And it'll be a very weird-looking war, I'll give you that,
0:40:34 > 0:40:37you know, because young people like to get up very late, don't they?
0:40:38 > 0:40:41And old people like to go to bed very early, so like...
0:40:41 > 0:40:42..war will only be possible between
0:40:42 > 0:40:45the hours of two and four in the afternoon, they'll just...
0:40:45 > 0:40:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:49 > 0:40:54The moment Judge Rinder finishes... Right, it's on, let's do this.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Hang on, Countdown's starting,
0:40:56 > 0:40:59I'll see you tomorrow, Grandad. There's something we both enjoy.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03But, like, I grew up on a council estate, right?
0:41:03 > 0:41:05That's what makes it weird that I vote Conservative,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08I grew up on a council estate, my dad was a big trade union man,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11so growing up I was sort of like a political Billy Elliot.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15Do you know what I mean? I had to conceal my true identity,
0:41:15 > 0:41:19hiding the Telegraph inside a copy of Razzle, you know, I was...
0:41:19 > 0:41:21You have no idea how hard it was for me.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26But my dad, in a way, like, he formed my view
0:41:26 > 0:41:28on, like, personal responsibility, because my dad,
0:41:28 > 0:41:31both my parents were disabled, but my dad, he had one arm, right,
0:41:31 > 0:41:34bless him, it was before the age of decent prosthetics
0:41:34 > 0:41:37and the only thing the arm could do was, it had a thumb that could
0:41:37 > 0:41:39clamp down like that. I don't really
0:41:39 > 0:41:41know what that facilitates in the long run.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Maybe you could parade a single business card
0:41:44 > 0:41:46around a room full of people.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49It's amazing what you can do with technology now.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53He had to put his arm in for servicing as well, genuinely.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56One time they got the arm back to him and they'd messed up
0:41:56 > 0:41:59the spring, so the thumb was now permanently in this position.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04It's very difficult to express your displeasure in life
0:42:04 > 0:42:06when you've got this going on.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11He couldn't even complain to the people who had done it.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14"I'm not happy. No, sir."
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Just two emoticons available in those days.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24But, like...
0:42:24 > 0:42:27He didn't see himself as disabled, that was the phenomenal thing,
0:42:27 > 0:42:29he never claimed disability benefit either.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Me and my sister, one day we said,
0:42:31 > 0:42:33"Why is that, Dad?" He said, "Well, I can walk, can't I?"
0:42:33 > 0:42:37We're like, "That's not the only criteria." You know what I mean?
0:42:37 > 0:42:40You should have seen him. The first time he watched a Paralympics,
0:42:40 > 0:42:43he was furious the whole time. He was like, "What's wrong with him?
0:42:43 > 0:42:46"What's wrong with them? What's wrong with them?" LAUGHTER
0:42:46 > 0:42:48"OCD?! Oh, yeah, that actually alters synchronised swimming,
0:42:48 > 0:42:50"this is bullshit! That's what this is.
0:42:50 > 0:42:55"You only need one arm for javelin anyway, I'll tell you that much,"
0:42:55 > 0:42:58waving his one remaining fist at anybody who wasn't just a torso.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07Ladies and gentlemen, this is a privilege, to do this gig,
0:43:07 > 0:43:10it has been a privilege to play to you, I'm Geoff Norcott,
0:43:10 > 0:43:12thank you very much. Thank you.
0:43:12 > 0:43:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:17 > 0:43:19Geoff Norcott, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:19 > 0:43:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Let's hear it one more time for Angela Barnes!
0:43:24 > 0:43:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And for Geoff Norcott!
0:43:26 > 0:43:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Ed Byrne, you've been watching Live At The Apollo.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Thank you very much, good night!
0:43:31 > 0:43:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE