0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24please welcome your host for tonight, Katherine Ryan.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# All I want for Christmas is you. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Hello, girls! CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Welcome to Noel at the Apollo. CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Whatever the holiday season means to you, that's Christmas.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57If it means going down to the pub, that's Christmas.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59If you're alone, that's Christmas.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01As long as it's good and it's kind.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04If it's Hanukkah, that's Christmas.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07That's what it's about, live your life.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09There will still be people who are like,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"Mah, I'm not allowed to call it a Christmas tree."
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Yeah, that's cos it's a tower of whiskey bottles, Kevin.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Well, you know what, call it a Christmas tree
0:01:19 > 0:01:21if that's what you want to do.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25If your biggest problem in life is what you name a seasonal household
0:01:25 > 0:01:30plant, then you are the definition of privilege. Enjoy it, Kevin.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Christmas for me means struggling with Jane.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Does anyone know Jane from the North London School Run?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I can't stand Jane.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Jane used to have a professional career and that's fine.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And now she stays home to look after seven tiny children
0:01:48 > 0:01:50and that's also fine.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Even though I didn't realise that you could have seven little
0:01:53 > 0:01:56baby ones like in a row. How do you do that?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Her ass is like a peach, cervix like a hula hoop at this point.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Just voom, voom, voom.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Not the snack, no, sir, not the little...
0:02:06 > 0:02:10..like a giant, athletic-sized...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13This woman's having a baby every four months.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Jane said to me, "Katherine, you must be so sad
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"that you don't have a husband at Christmas."
0:02:23 > 0:02:26This coming from the woman whose ham-coloured husband, Brian,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31is a man I've never seen out of a bicycle helmet.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34He's just Spandex man, you know?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36He runs marathons.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Those are the worst kind of people, by the way.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41What is it about a middle aged man that he's gotta know
0:02:41 > 0:02:44he can be 26 miles away from home on foot at any given moment?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Relax, Brian. "Just trying to raise awareness for cancer."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52We've heard of it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Everyone's heard of it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Raise funds, yeah, that's good, but I don't care
0:03:01 > 0:03:03more about your charity because you're running a marathon.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Like, I will donate to Plan UK because they do tremendous work,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09not because someone from the office threatened to jog
0:03:09 > 0:03:13until he lost a toenail. I don't care.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Jane's in charge of fundraising at the school, of course she is.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"Katherine, will you help with the Christmas cookie sale?"
0:03:19 > 0:03:21No, I will not, Jane,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25because last year you sold my gingerbread biscuits for 10p.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Are we selling these cookies for Bangladeshi kids
0:03:29 > 0:03:32or are we selling them TO Bangladeshi kids, Jane?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35What are you doing?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40No, no, where are you getting your price point, you prick?
0:03:40 > 0:03:43How were you ever effective in the corporate world?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46What is your scale of economies? Do you need money?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I'll write you a cheque for £100, you can
0:03:48 > 0:03:50fuck off and make a thousand gingerbread men.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55She says, "Katherine, you should have another baby."
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Get out of my life.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"You need to have another baby,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"Katherine, you're running out of time."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03We're all running out of time, Jane, that's how time works.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06If anything, I've got a lot more time than you,
0:04:06 > 0:04:11cos I don't have to help find 14 tiny shoes every morning.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And I don't have to sleep with your husband.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I shag him cos I want to.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22It's not my job.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32I had a partner. He left us last Christmas,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35because I didn't need him.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40I was like, "Oh, it's a good thing you don't do anything, I'd be dead."
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"You don't need me, Katherine, I need to go where I'm needed."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"OK, Batman, jog on."
0:04:49 > 0:04:51He said...
0:04:53 > 0:04:56..he said to an immigrant single mother,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"You didn't make me a priority,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02"you just work all the time and look after your child.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03"You didn't make me a priority."
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I was like, "Mate, I paid for everything.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"It literally says priority on your bags every time
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"I buy you a plane ticket.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15"And I always check back into economy
0:05:15 > 0:05:18"to see how you're doing on the flight."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"You don't fight for me, Katherine."
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You are not the last fidget spinner on Christmas Eve.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I'm a single mum, and there's still baggage attached to that.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I believe that if I were a man,
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I wouldn't be single, I'd be eligible, wouldn't I?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I just bought a house in central London,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40they would make me The Bachelor.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42They'd freak out.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45It is, by the way, the most expensive property ever owned
0:05:45 > 0:05:48by anyone in my family - it's also the smallest, they're very confused.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52They come from Canada and they're like,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"Katherine! This is what you bought with all your money?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"But this house is so small.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04"Don't you know what size house you could afford in your home town?"
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I'm like, "Don't you know? Like I wouldn't be sure which room
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"to kill myself in, so I can't do that."
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"When you visit at Christmas, get a hotel."
0:06:16 > 0:06:20If I was a man I'd be eligible - they'd go, "How does he do it?"
0:06:20 > 0:06:24"How does a young, young, young man
0:06:24 > 0:06:28"of only 34 years old...
0:06:28 > 0:06:29"...raise a gorgeous young daughter
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"without financial help from anywhere? How does he do that?"
0:06:32 > 0:06:34And there'd be memes of me just hoovering with no shirt on.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Like, mah...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"How does he do it?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:41There'd be You Tube videos of me
0:06:41 > 0:06:45going viral, just plaiting her hair before school.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48SHE GASPS "How does he do it?"
0:06:48 > 0:06:54I'd be like, "Well, I take three equal sections of hair...
0:06:57 > 0:07:04"..then heroically I fold one into the other two, and so on."
0:07:04 > 0:07:06And I'd say things like,
0:07:06 > 0:07:12"If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart."
0:07:13 > 0:07:16And women everywhere would be like,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19SHE GASPS "Is anyone sucking his dick right now?"
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"Where is this man?"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26And then I'd remove the mask and be like, "Ha-ha, I'm a lady!"
0:07:26 > 0:07:30And they'd be like, "Urgh, another single mum, gross.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33"Gross, pathetic."
0:07:33 > 0:07:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I'm alone this Christmas, my daughter's with her dad.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"Aw..." Don't be jealous, don't be jealous.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Because you're slaving away in a kitchen filled with guests
0:07:53 > 0:07:57and I'm drinking sangria in my underpants for four days.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Yes!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04These have become my favourite Christmases.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Jane comes out of the woodwork always.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13"Oh, Katherine, aren't you so sad that you're alone at Christmas?"
0:08:13 > 0:08:17No, Jane. "I would be sad if I was alone at Christmas" -
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"I'd be sad if I was alone with you too."
0:08:21 > 0:08:26When I'm alone, I'm just hanging out with Katherine Ryan, it's amazing.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"You can come to our house for Christmas.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"You could eat with our family."
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"Jane, that's a lovely gesture, very charitable, I do appreciate it,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"but I would rather the tweets of Piers Morgan
0:08:38 > 0:08:42"be shouted into my face till I died of rage."
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Respectfully...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48..no.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51No, Jane.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You don't have to live your life like me.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58You could do it any way you want, that is my message.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02But be warned, cos Melania Trump...
0:09:04 > 0:09:08..that is an innocent gold-digger caught up in a dangerous game.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Right? She used to have an incredible life.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18She didn't know...she didn't know he was going to be the President.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22In a perfect world, she should be divorced, banging one of J.Lo's
0:09:22 > 0:09:24backing dancers through season two of her reality show,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Melania Unchained, but no...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Her dreams of a better life in a communist country
0:09:33 > 0:09:36did not involve brunch with Philip May.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40She used to be BFFs with all the best designers
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and now Marc Jacobs is like, "Bitch, make your own dress."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Nobody likes her.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49She went too young, that's the problem, she went too young.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Go old if you're going to... Go old.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54If he is still eating solid food, he is too young.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Trust me.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02You want a one line of coke and a vigorous hand job away
0:10:02 > 0:10:04from you having Christmas alone on a yacht.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06That's what you want.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Are you ready to kick off Noel at the Apollo?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Whoooooo!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage a tremendous man,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27we've been friends for years, he's touring all across the UK.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28You're going to absolutely love him.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Give a warm round of applause for Marlon Davis.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:34 > 0:10:39# So here it is, merry Christmas
0:10:39 > 0:10:43# Everybody's having fun
0:10:43 > 0:10:49# Look to the future now It's only just begun. #
0:10:49 > 0:10:56- Ah-ha. Yes, Merry Christmas, guys. AUDIENCE:- Merry Christmas!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59SLIGHTLY INEFFECTUAL VOICE: I just want to say to everyone, er...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01..this is my voice.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:08This is how I sound.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Yeah, when you sound like this,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13people don't take you seriously, you know. They don't.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I couldn't be your boss at work, like, "Why are you late?"
0:11:21 > 0:11:25It's just not going to happen, is it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26I was stressed as well about coming
0:11:26 > 0:11:28here today and I was like, "oh, my God."
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You know, I came on the tube and stuff and I was like,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34"Oh, I might not make it on time to the Apollo. Oh, my gosh."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37And the carriage was packed, like in here right now,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40so I had to get in there cos I didn't want to wait one
0:11:40 > 0:11:44minute for the next one, and I said,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46WEAKLY: "C-Can you move down, please?"
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And people went, "What's that?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"Was that a fly in here or something?"
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I have to get it from here, you know, from the bass cos they don't
0:11:57 > 0:11:59take you seriously so I had to say to them,
0:11:59 > 0:12:04"Can you move down, please?!"
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And they said, "I think it's that girl over there, you know."
0:12:07 > 0:12:08I think it's her.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And I got a little boy as well, I got a little boy, yeah?
0:12:11 > 0:12:16CHEERING Yeah. I've done that.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And I say to him as well I say, "Go to bed!"
0:12:19 > 0:12:21And he says, "I wait till Mum says go to bed, innit.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23"I don't know who you are."
0:12:29 > 0:12:33I'm like, "I'm your dad!" "Yeah, sure you are.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"Why don't YOU go to bed?"
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"W-What, now?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39"Can I get a story?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:43It's all good though you know, it's lovely.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Like, last year at Christmas my life changed.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I have an amazing life, I'll tell you why -
0:12:49 > 0:12:50cos I got a trampoline.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Yeah, life is good if you've got a trampoline.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Whatever it is that you got going on in your life
0:12:58 > 0:13:01doesn't matter if you've got a trampoline. It doesn't!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Say the boss is pissing you off at work, you come home.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Just bounce and that, innit? Everything's OK again, you know?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11And I had to get a trampoline because I've got a son
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and I've got a garden.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Yeah, see those are the rules. If you have a child
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and open space, you have to fill it with a trampoline, right?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23And I got it from John Lewis cos I saw the advert.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27What an advert innit, I was like, "I'm having that."
0:13:27 > 0:13:29And I got it and I put it up myself, I put it up myself!
0:13:29 > 0:13:35CHEERING All by myself!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39It took me till nearly New Year's Day, but I did it, I did it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I put it up, right, and guess what happened?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Two days later the next-door neighbour climbed over
0:13:44 > 0:13:47the fence and started jumping up
0:13:47 > 0:13:52and down on our trampoline with his fucking big-head baby.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59I was there, and I'm incensed by this because he earns so much money
0:13:59 > 0:14:03he could buy his own trampoline for his fucking big-head baby.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09But I didn't say anything, because I'm passive aggressive.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13So I was there behind this curtain,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15looking at this man
0:14:15 > 0:14:18hoping that he can see me but not see me.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22At the same time I'm like, "Why am I like this?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Why am I like... I think it's definitely a British thing.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I think so - like if I was American I'd be like,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30"Hey, buddy, get off the damn trampoline."
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You know, but if you're British you're like, "Mmm-hm-hm, no."
0:14:37 > 0:14:39You don't say how you really feel.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42So I'm there looking at these people jumping up
0:14:42 > 0:14:43and down on our trampoline
0:14:43 > 0:14:46and I wish someone would say something.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48So I told my son.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I said, "Come here." He's like, "What?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I said, "Come and have a look at those people."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57"What people?" "Them people out there.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"They're jumping up and down on our trampoline.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"I wish someone would do something."
0:15:02 > 0:15:05And my son said, "Leave it to me."
0:15:06 > 0:15:08And he went out there, he was like,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"Hey! My dad said...
0:15:10 > 0:15:14"..stop jumping up and down on the frickiiing...!"
0:15:14 > 0:15:17And I said, "Kayden!
0:15:17 > 0:15:18"Come here!" He's like, "What?"
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I said, "Say your mum said, right, say your mum said..."
0:15:21 > 0:15:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Thank you very much. I've been Marlon Davis.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Marlon Davis!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51This next act is so clever, so funny,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54everyone's always dying to see what he's got to say,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57super exciting to have him here with us this evening.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Please welcome John Robins.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:01 > 0:16:03# Thank God it's Christmas
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# Thank God it's Christmas
0:16:09 > 0:16:12# Thank God it's Christmas
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# Can it be Christmas? #
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- Hello! AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Hello-ho-ho! AUDIENCE:- Hello-ho-ho!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Happy Christmas! AUDIENCE:- Happy Christmas.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Christmas can sometimes be a sad time,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I think we should remember that.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I had a very sad Christmas last year.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33My flatmate moved out.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- AUDIENCE:- Awwwww.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37She hates it when I call her that,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# ..but it stops me crying when people ask how I am. #
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Just a fun song.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Fun song there, sounds less sad if you put it in a song.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50One of my many coping mechanisms.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Another coping mechanism -
0:16:52 > 0:16:54frequent use of the phrase, "That'll show her"
0:16:54 > 0:16:58out loud around the house when I do stuff that used to annoy her.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Such as watching Traffic Cops for five hours, or turning
0:17:02 > 0:17:04the heating off when I go abroad.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I live alone now, I live alone in Grief Mansions,
0:17:08 > 0:17:12that's what I call my house now. Grief Mansions.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Great thing about the timing of it all is
0:17:14 > 0:17:17when I put the wreath on the front door the neighbours thought
0:17:17 > 0:17:20it was for Christmas, and not a memorial to everything I held dear.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Yeah, Grief Mansions that's what I call it,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27sometimes I call it that, sometimes, sometimes
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I call it the Museum Of Pain, cos all her stuff's still there.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Trinkets, treasures, ornaments, books, mugs, clothes.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Each one a reminder of countless cherished memories
0:17:40 > 0:17:42that now turn painful.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And that pain beats at the centre of my soul
0:17:44 > 0:17:46like a diseased bird with terrible wings.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51But I can shit with the door open!
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Hello, everyone, I can shit with the door open,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58with a little bit less of that.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Little bit less of the old
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"don't shit with the door open" routine.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07As my tears fall down onto my penis
0:18:07 > 0:18:09in such quantities,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11that they then fall from my penis
0:18:11 > 0:18:16as if my penis itself were crying onto shit as it gathers below.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20But with a little bit less of that.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Little bit less of the old GBH of the "don't shit with the door
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"open routine", as my tears
0:18:26 > 0:18:28fall from my penis onto shit.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Happy Christmas!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I've made a list of pros and cons...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44cos I've been spending a lot of time in brothels and prisons.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Made a list of pros and cons - always good,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52give you a bit of balance, give you a bit of balance.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Con - complete loss of all feelings of hope and possibility.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Mmm, doesn't sound very good, does it?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Doesn't sound much fun, does it?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Pro - increased plug socket access.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Bang, one-all!
0:19:07 > 0:19:12I say increased, it's actually total plug socket access.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I've got 32 plug sockets in my house,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17each and every one of them is now under my sole domain.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Con - all experiences that form the basis of my happiness
0:19:22 > 0:19:26and sense of self worth are now destroyed by grief.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Downer! Bit of a downer, isn't it?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Pro - less recycling.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I can fit it all in the green box now.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Which is remarkable when you take into account
0:19:40 > 0:19:41just how much I'm drinking.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"Oh, John, you're meant to heat mulled wine."
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"All right, your highness, hand me the bottle and leave."
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Con, con - I'm going to lose me house,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55bit of fun, bit of fun, bit of fun.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Pro - 25% off council tax.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Yeah. CHEERING
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I was on that like a ferret.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Dialling as the door slammed.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12And that's us fresh out of cons, the rest are just pros, guys.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14CHEERING Yeah!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Increased freezer space, all four drawers.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Cheaper gas and electric.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Reduced wear and tear on fixtures and fittings.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29And when I say reduced I don't mean by half,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31cos I was only ever responsible for about 10% of scuffs
0:20:31 > 0:20:37and spills, so we're looking at a net reduction of 90% in real terms.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43This is my favourite one, my favourite one, ultimate control
0:20:43 > 0:20:47over where the iPhone charger cable is and why it is there.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54There was a time it would take hours to answer the questions,
0:20:54 > 0:21:00"Where is the iPhone charger cable? And why is it there?"
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Not any more.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Plugged in next to the bed, most convenient place to have it.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Simple.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Is it...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13..is it unplugged in the bathroom?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15No. No, it's not.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17That'd be a ludicrous place to keep it,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20there's no plug socket in the bathroom.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Is it...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26..in the front pocket of a rucksack you no longer use?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30No, that'd be the last place you'd look,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32that'd be very frustrating.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Is it...
0:21:35 > 0:21:39..plugged in on a train we have alighted from?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45No, no, it's plugged in next to the bed,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48cos that's the most convenient place to have it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Happy Christmas!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I've been John Robins, good night, bye-bye!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05John Robins!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14CHEERING
0:22:14 > 0:22:17This is one of my very good friends,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20his career has absolutely gone stratospheric,
0:22:20 > 0:22:25he is amazing, you're going to love him, please welcome Joel Dommett.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - # O come, all ye faithful
0:22:29 > 0:22:32# Joyful and triumphant
0:22:32 > 0:22:35# O come ye
0:22:35 > 0:22:41# O come ye to Bethlehem
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# Come and behold... #
0:22:44 > 0:22:47What a tune! What a tune.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Hello, Merry Christmas. AUDIENCE:- Merry Christmas!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Yes, Merry Christmas, it's a pleasure, my name is Joel.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Come All Ye Faithful, what an intro track.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58What an intro song, guys.
0:22:58 > 0:23:04It's my favourite Christmas carol, its so good, what a banger.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07What a tune. What a tune.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I request it all year round in the nightclubs.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Don't care, such a good... Cos it's the middle bit, when you sing it,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18you just can't wait till the middle bit, that's the juicy part.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20# Come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant
0:23:20 > 0:23:23# O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem
0:23:23 > 0:23:26# Come and behold him Born the king of angels...
0:23:26 > 0:23:31HE WHISPERS # O come let us adore him
0:23:31 > 0:23:36HE SINGS LOUDER # O come let us adore him
0:23:36 > 0:23:40HE SHOUTS # Oh come let us adore him
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# Christ the Lord! #
0:23:43 > 0:23:50Yes! That's a carol! Oh, it's a fave. All year round.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55It's the only time you can shout in assembly.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02They can't tell you off. It's in the Bible, probably.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I got angry with my flatmate the other day,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10got proper angry with him, cos he's a player.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Right, my flatmate's a proper player.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14And I love players, don't get me wrong, I love 'em.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Cos you hear 'em before you see 'em.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20In the nightclubs they're like, "I'm a playeeeeeeer."
0:24:20 > 0:24:22The other players across the other
0:24:22 > 0:24:24side of the nightclub are just like...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27"Plaaaayeeeeer."
0:24:28 > 0:24:30That's how they communicate.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Means you get women if you don't know that, that's what it means.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34"Player" means you get women,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37unless you're Spanish, in which case it means beach.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44All the Spanish people in that nightclub are like,
0:24:44 > 0:24:45"Where is the beach?"
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"Donde esta the beach?"
0:24:53 > 0:24:55This is the thing living with a player, right.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I just, like, we've got a small house,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I just know the noise that he makes when he has sex, I just know that.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I know that, right.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02And I think it's funny,
0:25:02 > 0:25:07because his noise sounds like a Nokia 3310 vibrating on a table.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Very specific.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15And in my house, right, my TV is here and then behind the TV
0:25:15 > 0:25:17..is his bedroom...
0:25:17 > 0:25:18..and the erm...
0:25:18 > 0:25:19There's a wall there as well.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25That would be the creepiest house of all time.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29"Let's just go behind the TV and ignore him, it's going to be fine."
0:25:35 > 0:25:37He goes in with this lady.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I'm in the lounge, I'm playing Modern Warfare 3 on my Xbox.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41- AUDIENCE:- Whooo!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Yes "whoo," cos I'm a different kind of playeeeer!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48He goes in with this lady and it's a thin wall, so I can just hear them
0:25:48 > 0:25:51talking and they're like, you know, they're like,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:26:07 > 0:26:10HE IMITATES MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE
0:26:15 > 0:26:18HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:26:20 > 0:26:23HE IMITATES MUFFLED LAUGHTER
0:26:25 > 0:26:28MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE: Oh, my God, you're so funny.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:26:32 > 0:26:36MUFFLED MALE VOICE: Plaaaayyeeeeeeer.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE: Oh, my God, you're such a player.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45HE IMITATES MUFFLED MALE VOICE
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# Come all ye faithful...
0:26:56 > 0:26:59HE IMITATES MUFFLED FEMALE VOICE
0:27:07 > 0:27:11HE IMITATES PHONE VIBRATING
0:27:15 > 0:27:19HE IMITATES PHONE VIBRATING
0:27:24 > 0:27:26MUFFLED MALE VOICE: I'm so sorry.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35You guys have been absolutely incredible,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I've been Joel Dommett, have a nice evening, get home safe.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Merry Christmas!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Joel Dommett!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54That's the show, everybody,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56we are so touched that you allowed us
0:27:56 > 0:27:58to share your evening with you.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Thank you once again to my special guests, Marlon Davis...
0:28:01 > 0:28:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:07..John Robins... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:10..and Joel Dommett. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:13I'm Katherine Ryan.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Please be kind to yourselves and to others,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19please be very generous, stay safe and look after each other.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Happy holidays, good evening.