0:00:17 > 0:00:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Sara Pascoe!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Hello, hello, hello!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Thank you so much. My name is Sara Pascoe.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47It's my dream to be here.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48It's a beautiful, beautiful venue,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50and I just love... Do you love London?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING I love London.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I feel like London is created by the people, right?
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Who are just crazy and sexy and ambitious.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I got into an Uber the other day, not bragging...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER I am.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08I got into an Uber, and the driver, he said,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10"Would you like to have the radio on?"
0:01:10 > 0:01:14And I was like, "Oh, I don't mind, it's up to you."
0:01:14 > 0:01:19And then he said, "Well, actually, I make my own music."
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"Do you mind if I put some of that on?"
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"No, I don't."
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And then he put on Drake's new album.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I wonder how often it works.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I wonder how often there's a middle-aged white woman thinking,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38"Oh, well, he looks like Aladdin,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41"and he sounds like confidence personified."
0:01:41 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44"Pull over and jump in the back, Nikolai."
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I love it.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I'm having a good life.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I have recently started doing yoga, which has just changed...
0:01:51 > 0:01:52AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Yes, woo, for the yoga over there.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Are you a team, come to...?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I'm new to it, I'm new to it.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I love it. Yoga has changed my life, it's brilliant, yoga is my new drug.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06My old drug was drugs.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Which I'm not going to say anything positive about,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10because it would be incredibly irresponsible.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'm not going to say anything positive about drug-taking.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18What I will say is I didn't take MDMA until I was 32,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22and it was such a relief to know I could be happy.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I just assumed the equipment's broken.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30But yoga is nearly as good, and there's no downsides.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's given me a whole new language.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36My favourite new word is "Namaste".
0:02:36 > 0:02:38It's a very old word, it's very sacred,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42and it means the yoga has finished now.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:46And then you're allowed to leave.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50I think that the key to being happy as you get older is self acceptance,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I have to accept things about myself now.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Like, I'm 36, I thought I would have children by now, and I don't.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04so that I could show them to my parents and go,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"See, it was my childhood, they're fine".
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:10But science can't do that yet.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Then I had a crazy day last month where I just thought,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"I'm just going to buy some sperm.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"I'm just going to buy some sperm off the internet."
0:03:16 > 0:03:18"I've got a good job, I'm just going to buy some sperm."
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Guys, sperm is so much more expensive
0:03:20 > 0:03:22than I thought it was going to be.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It is tens of thousands of pounds.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27We are all wasting a valuable resource.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:3117-year-old me would have been a millionaire
0:03:31 > 0:03:34if I'd learned how to catch it and chuck it in the freezer.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:37So expensive, it was a shock.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39But I do think self-acceptance is the key.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Like, there's things about myself I don't like,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44but I just have to accept now that they're not going to change,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47this is who I am. So, for instance,
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I don't like art.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I think art is rubbish.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I think lots of people think art is rubbish,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58but we're too worried of looking stupid, so we go along with it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02I think that the worst art form is theatre.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06All right, OK, I can sense how unpopular this opinion is.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Hear me out. I think theatre is diabolical.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I do. Look, and also, I'm aware, if you're a performer of some kind,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14if you're an actor, look, please don't be offended -
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I don't mean being in the play.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Obviously, if you're the person in the play
0:04:18 > 0:04:22that gets to put a wig on and walk up and down and move your arms
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and project your voice,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26saying things like, "Um, I think you'll find
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"you're contradicting yourself, Alan."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Fun!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Having to watch it...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Dear Christ.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38I can't concentrate, I can't lose myself in the story.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39I know that it's not real
0:04:39 > 0:04:41because I'm surrounded by people eating crisps.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:47And they don't let you look at your phone, so all you're thinking is...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"Well, how long has it been?"
0:04:49 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And you have to judge from how long it feels, which is forever.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And then they have a false ending,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58called an interval...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Where, technically, you could leave,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02but you have Stockholm syndrome
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and you don't want everyone around you
0:05:04 > 0:05:08to think you weren't intelligent enough to understand the play.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10So you just sit there and you're trying to be positive,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11you just think things like,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"Well, sometimes the second half is shorter."
0:05:14 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Then, eventually, after several days, the play finishes.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Then what happens is you're flooded with an incredible feeling,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25and it's called freedom.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26It's electricity in your veins,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28you're thinking, "I can do anything now.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"I can go outside, I could have a sandwich..."
0:05:31 > 0:05:35And I think we confuse that feeling for having enjoyed the play.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:39And so you go in to work the next day, like,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"Guys, guys, you must see A View From The Bridge."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44But it wasn't A View From The Bridge you enjoyed,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46it was when it stopped happening.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I think this is about all of the performing arts.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I think opera, come on, come on.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It's just jokey singing gone long.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I think ballet is nonsensical.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I'm aware that people dedicate their lives to getting good at it,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00but they shouldn't.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03They're all wiggling around and, apparently, there's a story,
0:06:03 > 0:06:04but if you want to find out the story,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07you have to read the programme, like a book.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10"Oh, look, apparently somebody's trapped inside the body of a swan."
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Why are you telling me?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Call the RSPB...
0:06:13 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:17..or the Queen. Also, I don't like music.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I know that everyone likes music, but I don't like it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It's too noisy, shut up, music.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I don't want to have an emotion I didn't have a minute ago, thank you.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29I don't want any memories. I do like Drake,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32but that's only because I got off with him once in an Uber.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Oh, I'm sure,
0:06:36 > 0:06:41I'm sure we'd all agree that the worst musical style is jazz.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You're really different with me.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Jazz is the worst.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I think it's the worst noise that human beings make.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50It's oral excrement.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"Oh, Sara, is your dad a jazz musician?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Shut up, my ex-boyfriend's therapist.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57This has got nothing to do with my...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59It's connected to my dad.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01A stressed off-beat just reminds me of being neglected.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:06What else don't I like? Oh, there is a good part of an art gallery -
0:07:06 > 0:07:08it's called the gift shop.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER Here we go, now we're talking.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Pencils, sharpeners, postcards, but everyone is very disapproving
0:07:13 > 0:07:17if you run through the gallery yelling, "Gift shop!"
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You're supposed to stop and look at some of the pictures.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Why are we stopping and looking?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24It's not magic eye.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I can see what they are straight away.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Like, dogs, a horse, a dead-old rich person, gift shop!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Also, if you're one of the people who stops in front of
0:07:33 > 0:07:36one of the ones that's just a colour...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Stop, stop pretending.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I know you're not feeling anything.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"Oh, oh, but, Sara, isn't stand-up comedy an art form?"
0:07:47 > 0:07:49No, no.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Clearly not. Also, don't get me wrong,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54some people do stand-up exceptionally well,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56but you know that it isn't an art form
0:07:56 > 0:08:00because no-one's ever had to explain to you what it means.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02It just works or it doesn't, it's a craft.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05It's either funny and it's stand-up comedy,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07or it's not and it's a TED Talk.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Yeah, yeah.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13And it's good, and I like that I am a craftsperson.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Because a craftsperson dedicates their life
0:08:15 > 0:08:18to getting better at something, at honing their skill.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21It's like if I was a chair maker and I brought out a chair,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and you sat on it and it supported your weight,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26well, then, that is good craftsmanship.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29If I bring out a chair, and you sit on it and it collapses,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31and you fall on the floor, that's brilliant comedy.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35I made you think I was a chair maker!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36I pranked you.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40I'm fun, is the point I was trying to make, I'm really fun.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Valentine's Day this year,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I decided I was going to go to Paris all by myself,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47and that's because I'm a single woman.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49And also, I don't like the term single.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50I hate the term single.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I prefer the term very, very lonely.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:57The thing is, you know, I don't like that we use...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I think being single is the default.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I don't like this whole idea that you're supposed to be in a couple.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Human beings are meant to be sold separately.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05We're not Twixes, we're Peperamis.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Whether you're in a relationship or not, you are alone.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It's that cliche, of course, but you're born alone and you die alone,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16asterix - unless you are a conjoined twin,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19in which case you're born with somebody else, you freakish Twix.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24The only way that you're not alone is if you're one of those twins
0:09:24 > 0:09:28who grew round the other one while you were in the womb,
0:09:28 > 0:09:29but you might not even know.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32You might be sitting there thinking you're normal,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34and then one day you go for a scan and the nurse faints
0:09:34 > 0:09:36because your tumour has hair and a face.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It's a whole thing, and you'll know this cos you see comedy,
0:09:40 > 0:09:41but you know when people do, like, mean jokes,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43they do horrible jokes about people?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I always think, "No, jokes just shouldn't be nasty about people,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"unless they grew round their twin in the womb."
0:09:48 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I think they deserve everything they get.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I think murdering someone by growing round them
0:09:54 > 0:09:57is one of the worst things a person can do,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59and if you did grow round your twin in the womb
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, well, this is unfair,"
0:10:02 > 0:10:04you should have thought about that
0:10:04 > 0:10:07before you engulfed your brother and kept him in your colon.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12My point was, I went to Paris.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I went to Paris on Valentine's Day, didn't I?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Because I thought, "Look, it's the most romantic city in the world,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"on the most romantic day." I thought it would be hilarious.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22"I've got to write stand-up comedy," I thought,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"It's going to be so funny. I'll be walking around weeping,
0:10:25 > 0:10:27"as people point going, 'Elle est unlovable'. "
0:10:27 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I've been to Paris before, three times,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32each time with my ex-boyfriend.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34That's where we had our three biggest rows.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37First time, because eight months into the relationship,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I found out he had a horrible secret.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41He grew round his twin in the womb.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Second time, we had a horrible argument
0:10:45 > 0:10:48because he wasn't into PDAs,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50or PDAs...
0:10:50 > 0:10:52That is public displays of affection,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54or private displays of affection.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:56On the third time,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59we just felt an argument brewing and booked the Eurostar.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02So, this is my first time in Paris all by myself.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05The first thing I noticed was, when you're in a couple,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08you see the entire world behind their head.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10You're always looking at their lovely face,
0:11:10 > 0:11:11the world is a backdrop.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14When you take that person away, you see more world.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16So that's good.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Yeah, you see more, you notice more stuff,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21like how rubbish some of the tourist attractions are.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I went up the Eiffel Tower.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26If you're not kissing someone, it's just a high-up cage.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's not a good day out.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31But nothing funny happened the entire time I was there,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34which was four days, nothing funny.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Oh, so, Sara, why are you telling us?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Because otherwise that trip is not tax deductible.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46So... APPLAUSE
0:11:46 > 0:11:50It's awful, and you're clapping it, and it's true.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER It's true.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53I would like to speak to you now
0:11:53 > 0:11:56about a much more positive thing.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I'm going to introduce to you now a fantastic comedian.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02He is the best joker I'd say this country has ever created.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07I think you're going to absolutely love the incredible Gary Delaney!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Woo!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Yeah!
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Woo!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Yeah!
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Woo!
0:12:29 > 0:12:30You know when you're a kid...
0:12:32 > 0:12:33..and you go to the dentist...
0:12:34 > 0:12:39..and if you don't cry, they give you a badge or a sticker, yeah?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Well, I had a prostate exam today.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Just get rid of this.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Hello, Apollo.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05CHEERING
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Ah, you seem nice. So, my grief counsellor died recently, but...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:14But, luckily, he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Nice to be back, though. Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I had to disappoint her.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27We had sex.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Somebody over there laughing at the idea
0:13:31 > 0:13:33somebody might have asked me for sex.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36It wasn't supposed to be the funny bit in that joke,
0:13:36 > 0:13:37but nice to see you again.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I'd recognise that laugh anywhere...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47..only tonight, it's slightly less hurtful.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I got a DVD, How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It was really good, I had to fast forward
0:13:57 > 0:13:59through the boring bit at the beginning.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:09The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex tape.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I mean, obviously they don't know that yet.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:16APPLAUSE
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS,
0:14:23 > 0:14:24but she shat on me from a great height.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I think it's sad the word "legend"
0:14:32 > 0:14:34has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37to unexpectedly returning with crisps.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I hired a landscape gardener,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47but he said he couldn't help because my garden was portrait.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Every Christmas Day, we always have pigs in blankets,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56or as you probably call it,
0:14:56 > 0:14:57relatives sleeping in the spare room.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:04It's tradition in our family that we always have a Christmas jumper,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06and then it's my job to talk them down.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I went on a barging holiday.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I haven't got a boat, I just kept pushing people into canals.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I don't like to eat anything labelled "reformed ham".
0:15:26 > 0:15:28As I think it's unfair that the pigs are slaughtered
0:15:28 > 0:15:30after they've got their lives back on track.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:35This morning, I went to a meeting
0:15:35 > 0:15:38at my premature ejaculator's support group. Turns out, it's tomorrow.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:44APPLAUSE
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I can't believe the gentleman there
0:15:48 > 0:15:51started clapping before the end of that joke, which is ironic.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I do appreciate that.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I accidentally kicked my dog earlier,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58and it bit me on the bollocks. My mate said, "It's karma."
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I said, "No, if anything, it's even more angry.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I tell you what always catches my eye...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Short people with umbrellas.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I put on a lot of weight, so I rang up Weight Watchers, I said,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"
0:16:24 > 0:16:27They said, "Yes, we can, we've got loads of them."
0:16:27 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I was actually thrown out of Weight Watchers
0:16:37 > 0:16:38for making sarcastic comments
0:16:38 > 0:16:40at the weekly weigh-in. As you can imagine,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I accepted the decision with huge Grace,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44because they threw her out as well.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I was watching TV,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54the announcer said there's a documentary
0:16:54 > 0:16:55about the clitoris on the red button,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57but I couldn't find it.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:00APPLAUSE
0:17:04 > 0:17:05If you watch a porn film backwards,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08it's about a man who hoovers spunk off a woman...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Then breaks her washing machine and leaves.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:19We've all done it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24A friend of mine had a penis extension.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Now his house looks really stupid.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:31I was in a sex shop, I saw a dildo
0:17:31 > 0:17:34described as nine inches long and realistic.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35I thought, "Well, which is it?"
0:17:35 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:41My grandad went down in history, and on one occasion,
0:17:41 > 0:17:42fingered a girl in geography.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:47APPLAUSE
0:17:50 > 0:17:53There's only one thing I don't like about Halloween, "WITCHES"...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:59APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I thought PPI was just something you could get
0:18:03 > 0:18:05if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:12My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I got her an identical one.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16She was livid! "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
0:18:16 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I bought a chocolate bar. On the inside of the wrapper it said,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"You're a loser." I wouldn't have minded
0:18:24 > 0:18:27if there'd been some sort of competition on.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30To make things worse, it was a Boost.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:35My uncle Derek was found dead with a belt round his neck
0:18:35 > 0:18:38and a dildo up his arse. At his funeral,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41the vicar said we'd always remember him for his charity work.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Wrong.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54She died.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time
0:19:06 > 0:19:08that she's just going to scream and run out of the park.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:15When I heard you could now be a sperm donor by post,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I came in a Jiffy.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:22My girlfriend she said she wanted to try some new condoms
0:19:22 > 0:19:25with something special inside to boost her pleasure.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I said, "Ooh, what's that?"
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And she said, "Other men's cocks."
0:19:28 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I've been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me
0:19:37 > 0:19:40with her key ring but she just keeps fobbing me off.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:43APPLAUSE
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You've been lovely, I've been Gary Delaney,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49thank you, goodnight, bye-bye.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Give it up for Gary Delaney!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I'm going to introduce to you another comedian now,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I've gigged with him several times
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and every time, I've been so impressed with his wit
0:20:06 > 0:20:08and his energy, and if you haven't seen him before,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I'm so excited for you that you're going to get to see him now.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Can you please go absolutely wild and crazy for Larry Dean!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Thank you very much, hello!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:30 > 0:20:32It's a pleasure to be here.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I'm not from round here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42If you're trying to place my accent, I'm from the EU.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Well, it's good to be in London town, man, I'm from Glasgow.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Means I'm friendly, because we're very friendly in Glasgow.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Although we're a scary friendly.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:00 > 0:21:02We'll give you directions, but we'll follow you
0:21:02 > 0:21:05to make sure that you've done them correctly.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:12It's strange coming back down here, ever since the EU referendum.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Since Scotland voted to stay and England voted to leave,
0:21:16 > 0:21:22Scottish people feel as if they've got a moral high ground.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Have I pronounced that correctly?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Because we've never had one of them before in Scotland.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:34It's so weird, on the day of the vote, we were like,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"Ah, we've won! Because we've lost."
0:21:38 > 0:21:41That's the most Scottish thing we've ever done.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43And ever since, it seemed like afterwards,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45that England was becoming more right-wing,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48so Scotland started becoming more left-wing.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50It was as if Scottish people had gone,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54"What - England's being racist?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"Oh, no, we're not doing that any more, guys, no.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"If England's doing it, we are not doing that."
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It's making Scottish people better people.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09As soon as England shows any racism, Scottish people are like,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13"Oh, no, what are you on about? We love foreigners here."
0:22:13 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Judging somebody based on a religion?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22No, we've never done that either.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:27APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It wasn't my first thought, though, after Brexit,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32because I thought, like, like a lot of Remain voters,
0:22:32 > 0:22:33I thought, "I'm moving, I'm going to move."
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I thought, "I'm going to move to Australia,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"because if I'm going to live on a racist island,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39"it may as well be sunny."
0:22:39 > 0:22:41LAUGHTER
0:22:41 > 0:22:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Thank you very much. I would've...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It would have been bad to move, man, though,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52cos I do like living here, and that.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55And also, I'd have missed my family too much.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I moved back in with my parents about a year ago,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59cos I got out of a relationship.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You don't really move back in with your parents
0:23:01 > 0:23:03for a good reason, do you?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05It's not, "Oh, I got a promotion at work,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"so I thought Mummy and Daddy could do with some company."
0:23:08 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Usually, it's either emotional issues or financial issues.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17My dad called mine... "the double whammy".
0:23:17 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:21As soon as I moved back in with them, I thought,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"I've got to start dating again, I need an out plan, right?"
0:23:23 > 0:23:25On my first date back, I was terrified.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28It didn't help, right, that the guy was a bit weird.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Oh, yeah, guy - I'm a gay person.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Key change, here we go, sisters!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40APPLAUSE
0:23:42 > 0:23:45That's right, I'm a sodomite.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Nothing more scary than a Glaswegian gay man.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51I'm gonnae bum you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Sorry, mate.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02You're heterosexual? A nod of the head there,
0:24:02 > 0:24:03"Yes, I love the vulva."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I don't know why I had to change my voice for that.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09"Yes, I love the vulva."
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Larry Dean, BBC News, I'm very gay.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:16This is my favourite bit of any gig, man, I love this bit,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18it's so much fun, because I'm just looking at all the straight men
0:24:18 > 0:24:21in the room looking at me going,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"Hold on, he's gay?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"He doesn't look gay.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26"I don't look gay.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"Maybe I'M gay?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Actually, to be honest, I don't even like the word gay.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I'm not a fan of the word gay.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41The word gay gets used quite derogatory sometimes.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43It would be like, "Oh, that's gay, I don't like that, that's gay."
0:24:43 > 0:24:45In Scotland, we don't even need to use that word.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47In Scotland,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49we can describe somebody as a homosexual
0:24:49 > 0:24:52by using any noun in the English language.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Like, what? Is he a blueberry, aye?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Oh, see that guy, I've heard he's a lava lamp.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I found this out when I was having an argument with my dad, right,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15cos I could see my dad wanted to call me a big Jessie,
0:25:15 > 0:25:16but I could see him thinking,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"I don't know if that's homophobic now, actually,"
0:25:19 > 0:25:21so my dad went, "Ah, get lost, you big...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"duvet!"
0:25:24 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Because I, like, I thought, "I'll try and be camp, right,"
0:25:30 > 0:25:34because I thought, "If I'm camp, then people will know already,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"so I won't need to tell people," because sometimes you assume, right,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41so I started going around with my wrist down...
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I know, I don't look camp - I just look ill.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I did that for a while, though,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51and I got to go to Disneyland for free, so it wasn't all bad.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:57But nobody thought I was gay,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59so I started putting my bum out as well.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02That's my problem, if I was camp,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I would just look like a dinosaur.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Walking down the road like that.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13"Ooh, there's a sale on..."
0:26:13 > 0:26:16HE SCREECHES
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:28HE SCREECHES
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I'm sorry, pal, sorry, man, you all right?
0:26:42 > 0:26:43You're all right, mate,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45you're a hetrosaur! Hey!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I'll make him a "mega sore ass"!
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Wey!
0:26:52 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:26:57HE LAUGHS
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Just so you know, I'm a postman, not a postbox.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Oh, what a lovely reaction that was.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Some people were laughing, others going, what the hell does he mean?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:17How I deliver the male, hey-hey!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I'm terrified of that, though, man,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25I'm so scared of anything going near my bum.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Goodnight.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Honestly, I'm so scared of it.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I'm what gay people call "selfish".
0:27:41 > 0:27:43But I have to... I didn't know this by the way - apparently,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46some straight guys like a finger up the bum...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51That's the sound of women who trim their fingernails.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I had no idea.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Apparently, some straight guys like a finger up the bum
0:27:58 > 0:28:01when they are getting a blow job.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04That's like trying to get the last drop out of a Frube.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Folks, you've been absolutely lovely.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12This has been a dream come true for me.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I've been Larry Dean, enjoy the rest of your night.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Take care, cheers, thank you.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:21How good is Larry Dean?!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Please give it up for Gary Delaney, Larry Dean.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You've been an incredible audience. I hope you've enjoyed your night.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31I'm Sara Pascoe, goodnight!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE