0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by The Hit Crew
0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Nish Kumar!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# He's got clothes all red... #
0:00:27 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# On a purple bed... #
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Yes!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43How are you? Are you all right?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Great to see you!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Nice to be here. My name is Nish Kumar.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I'm about to do some comedy for you and I'm a comedian,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56so that's very convenient, all right.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00It's great to be at the Apollo, especially for me,
0:01:00 > 0:01:01cos I'm a David Bowie fan.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03David Bowie did a lot of amazing gigs in this venue,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05so it's exciting for me. When I was a kid,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07all I wanted to be was David Bowie.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I was obsessed with him. I really loved him so much.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And now, I'm 32 years old, and I still love Bowie's music,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16but I think it was really hard to be David Bowie.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I think there was a lot of scrutiny on someone like him.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20People like Bowie and Dylan and Hendrix,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23all these people I grew up loving. There was a lot of pressure on them.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I don't think I want to live under that kind of pressure or scrutiny.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I've realised that the musician I want to be
0:01:29 > 0:01:32is the drummer from Coldplay.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I want to be the drummer from Coldplay so badly
0:01:38 > 0:01:40cos that dude is rich as shit
0:01:40 > 0:01:43and no-one knows who the fuck he is.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:52No-one knows who the drummer from Coldplay is!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54He could be here and no-one would know.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57It could be you, it could be you, it could be you.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I'm not sure it's an Indian woman, but it could be. We don't know.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:06I'm obsessed with the idea that this guy has the best life in the world.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07And I was telling my friend about this
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and she tried to tell me something
0:02:09 > 0:02:11that she was trying to portray as a bad thing.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Apparently, he loves Game Of Thrones, so he said to HBO,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"Can I be in Game Of Thrones?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:17and they were like, "You're the drummer from Coldplay,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20"you can do literally anything you want. We'll restart The Sopranos
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"if that would make you happy."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Now, he is in Game Of Thrones.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Confession time. I don't watch Game Of Thrones,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31but even I know the Red Wedding is an important episode
0:02:31 > 0:02:34of Game Of Thrones. He is in the Red Wedding.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Guess what he's doing in the Red Wedding.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39He is the drummer in the wedding band.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:45That is the extent to which this guy's anonymity is
0:02:45 > 0:02:47a borderline superpower.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49He is in the most famous episode
0:02:49 > 0:02:52of one of the most popular television shows in the world,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54doing the thing he is famous for
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and no-one noticed.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:03 > 0:03:07That is Keyser Soze shit!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12And my friend was telling me she read a supposedly embarrassing story
0:03:12 > 0:03:14that one of the actors told. One of the actors said
0:03:14 > 0:03:16that when they were shooting the Red Wedding,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18he was making small talk with the extras
0:03:18 > 0:03:20and he got round to the drummer from Coldplay
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and said, "Are you a full-time extra?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:26And the guy was like, "No, I'm a musician."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29So he said, to the drummer from Coldplay,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"Have you played on anything I might have heard of?"
0:03:32 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:36To which the drummer from Coldplay was presumably like,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Er, have you heard of all music?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"Cos I'm basically the drummer on all music."
0:03:42 > 0:03:45And my friend tried to tell me this like this was a sad thing.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47She was like, "This guy's in Coldplay
0:03:47 > 0:03:50"but no-one knows that he's in Coldplay. Isn't that sad?"
0:03:50 > 0:03:52No, because the problem with being in Coldplay
0:03:52 > 0:03:55is that people hate Coldplay.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58People hate Coldplay so much
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and the people who hate Coldplay don't say things like,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"Oh, it's not to my taste."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05They say things like this - "I HATE Coldplay!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:10But what you mean when you say that is, "I hate Chris Martin."
0:04:10 > 0:04:14No-one is angry with the drummer from Coldplay.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18No-one has ever been, like, "Grrr, the drummer from Coldplay!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"He's ruined my life!"
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:24And I know what you're thinking.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27You're thinking, "Nish, why are you so obsessed
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"with the drummer from Coldplay?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33"There's two other people in that band.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"We don't know anything about them either."
0:04:37 > 0:04:39And you know what? You're right.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41There's a guitar player and a bassist in Coldplay.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I wouldn't know them, even if they were here.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I assume it's you two, but only cos you're sat next to her
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and I spoke to her already. That's all I've got to go on
0:04:48 > 0:04:50at this point. They have the exact same life as the drummer
0:04:50 > 0:04:52cos I did a bit of research into this.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Coldplay are one of those bands where they split royalties equally,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59so they have the exact same life as the drummer, apart from one detail.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02They have the exact same life as the drummer,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05they have the same level of wealth, access, and anonymity.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08But, crucially, the drummer is sat down.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And that is the dream.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:25 > 0:05:28It's really great to be here cos it's an amazing venue.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31It's also very close to my house. Oh, my God.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I live... I'm from West London. I live in Shepherd's Bush.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I've not lived there for very long and I really like it.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It's really nice. When I first moved there,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40the estate agent that I rent my flat from said,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"Hey, this is a great time for you to be moving to Shepherd's Bush."
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I said, "Why?"
0:05:45 > 0:05:49And he said, "Well, the area has been recently gentrified."
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Now, listen, fair play. I did not know what that meant.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56So I looked it up.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59It turns out what it means is it's now safe for white people.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:05So, come on down to Shepherd's Bush, whities,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07we'll have a great old time!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10We've got all the stuff you like - tea...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Yeah, all the stuff.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Of course that's not what gentrification means.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I know what it means. I'm a very clever boy.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Gentrification is when people are priced out of an area
0:06:22 > 0:06:25by rising cost of living, so they move to an adjacent area
0:06:25 > 0:06:26but, in doing so, raise the cost of living
0:06:26 > 0:06:28for people who were already living there.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29In the last few years,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32this has occasionally been referred to as "white flight",
0:06:32 > 0:06:34cos the people moving tend to be white
0:06:34 > 0:06:36and the areas they're moving into tend to be non-white.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40And, as such, it's a double-edged sword for your friend Nish Kumar,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42cos my parents are Indian and middle-class.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44So, gentrification is essentially the replacement
0:06:44 > 0:06:48of people I'm related to by people I went to university with.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52So, it's like, "Goodbye, uncle and auntie, but hello, Jeffrey!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56"See you down the pub for some craft beer.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58"We've got a lot of Indian pale ales,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"just no Indians."
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Gentrification is a subject that arouses
0:07:10 > 0:07:12very strong serious emotions all over the world.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15There have been massive anti-gentrification protests
0:07:15 > 0:07:16over the last couple of years.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18A couple of years ago, there was one in East London,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21in Bethnal Green, conducted by a group called Class War.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23A lot of the focus turned out to be a shop
0:07:23 > 0:07:25called the Cereal Killer Cafe,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28which is a cafe where people sell bowls of cereal in milk
0:07:28 > 0:07:30for £6 to morons.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Presumably, it's exclusively moron clientele.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Now, a lot of these protests claim to be protesting
0:07:37 > 0:07:40against something that they either call the gentrification
0:07:40 > 0:07:43or the hipsterification of certain cities.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Hipsterification is used as a synonym for gentrification
0:07:46 > 0:07:48and hipsters get the blame for gentrification.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Now, I don't think that's fair and, ultimately,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I think it's counter-productive. Firstly, what is a hipster?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55It's just the collective noun we've given
0:07:55 > 0:07:57to people who conform to what's currently trendy.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Every generation has them. In the '60s, they were hippies,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02in the '70s, they were punks, in the '80s, they were New Romantics.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Hipsters are just our version of that thing.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07And we all know what I mean when I say "what's currently trendy".
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's restaurants where the menu's on a board
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and there's no currency printed, so you have to be, like,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16"I'll have poached eggs for eight...money, I guess."
0:08:19 > 0:08:22It's also the trend for men to have very ornately crafted facial hair.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Have you seen these guys with the twirly moustaches?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26- Have you seen them? Audience:- Yes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Yeah, fine, as long as they're not white men.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Because those moustaches make white men look
0:08:32 > 0:08:35like Victorian English men, which is not ideal.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I cannot tell you the number of times I've had to order a coffee
0:08:38 > 0:08:42from a man whose facial hair looks like it colonised my ancestors.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:52The guy's like, "Do you want something with your coffee?"
0:08:52 > 0:08:55And I'm like, "A piece of banana bread and something else.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"What is it? Oh, I know. An apology for the Amritsar massacre.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"Thank you!"
0:09:00 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Now, taken in isolation, it is fine to think
0:09:06 > 0:09:09that all of these things are ridiculous, cos clearly they are.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11But what I would say about hipster culture
0:09:11 > 0:09:14is that it's silly, but it's not malicious.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I would say that what was trendy
0:09:16 > 0:09:18when I was growing up was much more inherently malicious.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Cos I grew up in England in the 1990s and what was trendy then
0:09:21 > 0:09:24was lads, lads, lads, lads, lads. That's right
0:09:24 > 0:09:25I mean, we went to Eton and Oxford
0:09:25 > 0:09:28but we were a bunch of absolute lads.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Now, lad culture was everywhere in the '90s -
0:09:31 > 0:09:34in our books, our movies, our music, and a lot of it was harmless.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36But, by its very nature,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38lad culture celebrated the male over the female,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41so it came with an inherent portion of misogyny.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Now, some of that misogyny was ironic,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45but we all know what ironic misogyny is.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46It's just misogyny and then,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49at the end, someone goes, "Hmm?", like that.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It's just bourgeois misogyny, right?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Now, the caveat I always have to put on this piece of material
0:09:56 > 0:09:58is that the 1990s has passed and, as such,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01we've had a decade and a half to make a considered value judgment
0:10:01 > 0:10:04over the events of the 1990s and think about what was good and bad.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Maybe in 15 or 16 years' time,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08it will turn out that hipster culture was really awful
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and was responsible for gentrification.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12We don't have that kind of perspective.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14That's the caveat I have to put on it.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Cos there's lots of stuff that happened in the '90s
0:10:16 > 0:10:18that we now have a completely different opinion on.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20The North American Free Trade Agreement -
0:10:20 > 0:10:22that turned out to be a geopolitical disaster.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Tracksuits - very flammable.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:28And we now know that the Spice Girls were
0:10:28 > 0:10:31an incredibly malicious influence on our culture,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33did a huge amount of damage to the way that we see...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36AUDIENCE QUIETLY BOO Whoa.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38That's turned the atmosphere.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41The Spice Girls were awful.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44CHEERING AND BOOING What?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Did you have different Spice Girls?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49"Zig-a-zig-ah". The Spice Girls.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54The Spice... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Are you kidding me?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00They had one black member and she was called Scary!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And then they used to dress her in leopard-print robes,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08like Kunta Kinte,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and make her stand next to Geri Halliwell
0:11:11 > 0:11:13in a Union flag minidress,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15like an English Defence League wet dream.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Then they used to make her do raps,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29even though she had no talent at rapping whatsoever.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32They just assumed she could do it. That's like someone coming up to me
0:11:32 > 0:11:34and assuming I can prescribe penicillin.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Someone came up to me, after one of these shows and said,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44"As an intersectionalist feminist of African descent,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"I have very mixed feelings about your Spice Girls joke."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49And you know what that means? It means I've found my audience.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51There are not many of them
0:11:51 > 0:11:54but the ones that are turning out are high value indeed.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And here's what I feel.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I feel if you blame hipsters for gentrification,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02you're letting the real culprits off the hook.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Cos, look, gentrification is a really serious social problem.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07It's changing the nature of our cities
0:12:07 > 0:12:10and driving people out of homes they've lived in for 35, 40 years.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13But it's the result of decades of bad housing policy.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16So, why not be angry with the people responsible for that policy?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Don't be angry with the hipsters. Be angry with property developers
0:12:18 > 0:12:21that fail to meet their targets for affordable housing,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24be angry with politicians that fail to hold them to account,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26be angry with the local authority,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29less than two miles away from where we are right now,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31who ignored repeated warnings
0:12:31 > 0:12:35about fire safety in their tower blocks until it was too late.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Be angry with those people,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39not the concept of smashed avocado
0:12:39 > 0:12:42or some arsehole riding a Penny Farthing
0:12:42 > 0:12:44as a substitute for having a personality.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:51 > 0:12:52I'm very clever.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my first guest of this evening?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I know two things about him. One, I absolutely love him.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10And, number two, he is one of the greatest comedians in the world.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof of the Hammersmith Apollo
0:13:14 > 0:13:18and welcome to the stage David O'Doherty!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:20 > 0:13:23# Sail away, sail away, sail away
0:13:24 > 0:13:27# Sail away, sail away, sail away
0:13:28 > 0:13:31# Sail away, sail away sail away... #
0:13:31 > 0:13:33All right! Thank you, Enya.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Let's do this shit.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40My name's David. Some of you will know me for my comedy.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42You'll all know my graffiti. You'll know my tag.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I do two parallel yellow lines beside the path.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And the great thing is that motorists really respect my work.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52OK, we're in!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55A shout out to my sponsors this evening for this gig.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57My sponsors are lasagne.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Or as I call it, meat Viennetta.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:04And the French soft drink Orangina,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Which would sell a lot less
0:14:06 > 0:14:08if it was pronounced orange-ai-na.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11# It would sell virtually none. #
0:14:11 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Big gig! You guys are big.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I've made a supreme commitment to this gig.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Check it out. Fresh batteries!
0:14:20 > 0:14:21CHEERING
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Argos.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I went to Argos and if you don't go to Argos very often, you forget.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Mwah!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Argos is sort of like a shop,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31but much more like a bookie's.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33That must have been the original plan.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You go in and you study the form
0:14:35 > 0:14:38and you're like, "I'm going to take a punt on that."
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And you fill in the little docket with the tiny pencil,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44go up to the counter and go, "Can I have a tenner on that, please?"
0:14:44 > 0:14:46And he's like, "Best of luck. Go over to the big screen."
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And you're like, "Come on, 362!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"Take it home to Papa!"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54HE PLAYS KEYBOARD
0:14:55 > 0:14:59If Findus, the frozen food brand, have a Facebook page...
0:14:59 > 0:15:03# They can legitimately say, "Findus on Facebook."
0:15:05 > 0:15:10# Serena Williams' nickname should be Tennessee Williams. #
0:15:12 > 0:15:14That's the best joke I've ever come up with. # It's fine. #
0:15:14 > 0:15:18How do you contact dead single ladies?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19# You have a Seyonce. #
0:15:19 > 0:15:23OK, look, all I want from this,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I just want to be a one-name entertainer.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I want you to be able to say, "Oh, we saw David last night,"
0:15:29 > 0:15:31and everyone will know who you're talking about, you know?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33There's no doubt with Beyonce.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Your mother's never like, "Who, Beyonce O'Loughlan?"
0:15:37 > 0:15:40The problem is all the other Davids are more famous than me.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42There's billions of them.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45So, I'm dedicating the next six months of my life.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47# I'm going to murder all of the Davids
0:15:47 > 0:15:48# Who are more famous than me. #
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Name a David who's more famous than me,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I will tell you how I'm going to murder them. OK, go.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT - What are you saying?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57David Attenborough. David Att...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59# You absolute prick! #
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Murder David Att...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04That is the worst shit anyone's ever said.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- LAUGHTER - Twisted mind.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10It would be quite easy... # Cos he's about 300. #
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I think, with him, I'd just make it look like a lion did it,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16so people would be like, "Oh, he died as he would have wanted...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# "Murdered by a lion." #
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Craig David is the trickiest. Still technically a David.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25With him, it's a medium-term plan.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28With Craig David, I think I'd meet him for a drink,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30just early in the week.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34And then we'd be making love for several days...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37# And then kill him on Sunday. #
0:16:37 > 0:16:39OK, let's go. Thank you.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Look at that!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I look incredible, thank you.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50It's difficult for me to stay in shape
0:16:50 > 0:16:52because my favourite food is...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I like gluten with trans fats on it
0:16:54 > 0:16:57and I like to eat it like I'm angrily throwing laundry
0:16:57 > 0:17:00down a flight of stairs. Aaaah.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03It's about small achievable health goals.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07This year, I did No Lilt February. Thank you!
0:17:07 > 0:17:13I know. It sounds impossible, but you take it one day at a time.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Did I have any today? No. You're a legend!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18It gets hard round the middle of the month. You get the cravings.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It's called "Lilt guilt".
0:17:20 > 0:17:22You're like, "Oh, I'd bloody love some Lilt."
0:17:22 > 0:17:24There's the night where you go to the shop at midnight,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26kick the doors in. Where's the Lilt?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28And they're like, "We don't stock it any more." Argh!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30So, you try and make your own hooch Lilt,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32where you get a pineapple and a grapefruit
0:17:32 > 0:17:34and you add in batteries and a horse's head,
0:17:34 > 0:17:39and you're like, "It's good, but it's not totally tropical."
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I did that joke in America recently.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Turns out they don't have Lilt there. So...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I know there is some money in the room this evening
0:17:50 > 0:17:53so, before I go on, I'll just pitch you a few app ideas,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56if anyone's got a couple of spare mill.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59App idea one - Creme Brulapp.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02That is the world's first creme brulee-themed app.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03It doesn't do anything
0:18:03 > 0:18:06except, when you touch the screen of your phone, it goes...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- HE MAKES A CRACK SOUND - OK, so that's app idea one.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- LAUGHTER - App idea two - Yodeller.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Now, that is similar to Grindr,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18but it tells you about Swiss people in the vicinity.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Fartzam is the big one.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Fartzam is similar to Shazam, the app that can identify
0:18:23 > 0:18:27whatever song is playing. It's the same principle with Fartzam.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28You walk into a room
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and there's an unclaimed fart cloud within the room.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35You thrust Fartzam into the mist. That person's face comes up on it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Now, that technology may not exist yet,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40but that's for the nerds to work out.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I'm the ideas guy. Thank you!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I like music a lot.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I like all music, except for one genre,
0:18:50 > 0:18:51and that is the worst music of all,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54which is the whistling and twinkly bells music
0:18:54 > 0:18:57in 80% of all TV and radio ads at the moment,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59which is this music here.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02HE PLAYS KEYBOARD AND WHISTLES JAUNTILY
0:19:02 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:08The more sinister the product, the more adorable the music.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Go out tonight, have a burger.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Ha-ha-ha!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Cos we know you don't like to think about where your food comes from.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18You couldn't give a shit.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20We could have docked homeless dogs
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and cut their dicks off and sold them to you as homeless dogs' dicks,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26and you'd just be like, "Oh, pound-saver menu."
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:36At Kalashnikov, we're about sorting out localised tribal conflicts.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40At your bank, we're more like your mate than your bank.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Sure, we don't really have interest rates any more
0:19:44 > 0:19:48and the charges, the stealth charges are ridiculous, in recent years,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and yeah, we did cause the last collapse of the economy, yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57And the credit card bill. Have you seen the bonuses we give our bosses?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You idiots! You keep coming back!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You absolute dickheads!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04HE WHISTLES JAUNTILY
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Thank you very much.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:25David O'Doherty!
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our final guest tonight?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35CHEERING
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It is an absolute privilege to be bringing this lady to you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43She and I actually started together and she is, without question,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46one of the most unique and distinctive voices
0:20:46 > 0:20:47working in comedy right now.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50So, ladies and gentlemen, please join me
0:20:50 > 0:20:54in welcoming to the stage the incredible Luisa Omielan!
0:20:54 > 0:20:58MUSIC: Feel The Love by Rudimental ft John Newman
0:20:58 > 0:21:01# I can feel it, ah, ah
0:21:01 > 0:21:04# I can feel it, ah, ah... #
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Whoa!
0:21:06 > 0:21:12Hello! I think it's about time to kill that party spirit, don't you?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Let's talk about mental health, yes, sir!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Brace yourself, bitches, we are about to talk about depression.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22It's going to get sexy. Cronk, cronk.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I remember a time where I felt really low,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30really bad about myself. And there was no particular reason,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33because nobody had died, everything was going well.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Seemingly, on paper, things were good.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Like my local Chinese buffet started serving crispy aromatic duck
0:21:38 > 0:21:40before 6pm. Things were going all right.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42But, for some reason, I couldn't shift this feeling
0:21:42 > 0:21:44of isolation and sadness
0:21:44 > 0:21:46and I thought, "I need to tackle this head on."
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I was living with my mother. My mum was amazing.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51My mum's Polish. She's not a cleaner, don't be such a racist.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Why would you say that? That's so racist.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56She should be, she's a very good one. My mum is amazing, right.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59My mum came over to England 35 years ago.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01We were here first. Don't blame ME for the influx.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:05She came over a long time ago and, actually, I was born here
0:22:05 > 0:22:08and my mum tries to be like, "Oh, you know you're Polish too."
0:22:08 > 0:22:12And I was like, "I was born here. I'm British! I'm British!
0:22:12 > 0:22:17"Get out of our country!" It's adorable. And, um...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:22And my mum has this beautiful accent.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23People expect my mum to talk like this.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- POLISH ACCENT:- Hello, I like to clean. Nice to meet you.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28But she talks like this.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- POSH ACCENT:- Because when she first came over,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32she tried to really immerse herself into the community,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34into the British culture. She was like...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- POLISH ACCENT:- "Marks and Spencer's, the land of dreams."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39She was really excited.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41So she used to listen to a lot of BBC radio news.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44This was in the day when they had those boring same old accents.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47They didn't have all the beautiful dialects you have now.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50My mum learnt to speak English so, instead of speaking like this...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- POLISH ACCENT:- Hello. ..she talks like this...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- POSH ACCENT:- ..but she always gets her English wrong,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56so you can still tell she's a massive immigrant.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01But I had to do something, right. Cos I was crying constantly.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I couldn't stop crying.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I'd masturbate and I'd cry.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Who does that?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12You don't get guys having a wank, do you, being like...
0:23:12 > 0:23:15SHE WAILS
0:23:15 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:20 > 0:23:22SHE SOBS
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- SOBBING:- I don't know what to do any more.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I can't stand it any more.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30What do I do with myself?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33SHE SOBS
0:23:33 > 0:23:35LAUGHTER
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I can't even come!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:58 > 0:24:02It's, er... It's not nice when you do it in the face like that, is it?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16So, I started taking the antidepressants, right.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20And the weirdest thing happened. I stop crying.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I was like, "Mum!
0:24:22 > 0:24:26"Mum! I'm not crying!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30"John Lewis advert is on and I'm not crying!"
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Nothing. Nothing!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I was like, "Oh, these drugs are good!"
0:24:35 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:40It didn't last long. I just went on Rightmove
0:24:40 > 0:24:42and looked at property prices in the 1990s and it was...argh!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's a bit of a weird gig for me. I'll tell you why.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I want to talk to you about my mum. My mum's amazing, a legend.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I told you she's Polish. And I lost my mother recently.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I didn't leave her in Waitrose.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59"Could the bloody immigrant in aisle four come to the service desk?" No.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03She went, and she got stage four stomach and bowel cancer,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05by the time they found out, right.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And they said, "It's inoperable, we can't do anything,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"but you can't do anything until you see an oncologist
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"and that's going to take four to five weeks to see somebody,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"by the time you get all your tests."
0:25:15 > 0:25:16And they sent her home with Calpol,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19because she's clearly four years old and has flu, right.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21So, they sent her home with Calpol.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23My mum was in so much pain, I was like, "What do I do?"
0:25:23 > 0:25:26They said, "If you need anything, call 111."
0:25:26 > 0:25:28"111? That's who you call when you're drunk
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"and want a free lift home. What the fuck? How do I help my mum?"
0:25:30 > 0:25:34And so, I had to source alternative pain relief for my mum
0:25:34 > 0:25:36and I read loads of things online about cannabis,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38about how cannabis has got medicinal properties.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I don't do drugs, I've never done drugs.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I drink two Smirnoff Ice and I'm like, "Whoa!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I've never really figured it out. I started looking at cannabis oil,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48but it's not the easiest thing to locate, cos you can't really -
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I learnt - post on Facebook, "Does anybody know how to get hold
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"of some cannabis oil so I can help heal my mum's stage four cancer?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"Smiley face." Nobody really answers, guys.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I actually ended up getting hold of cannabis oil
0:26:00 > 0:26:01and here's the thing about cannabis oil.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04You only need a tiny bit but, if you put it in your mouth,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07you get really high. My mum was like, "I don't want to be Rocky."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I was like, "Mum, stoned - very different."
0:26:09 > 0:26:11LAUGHTER
0:26:11 > 0:26:14So, I started making suppositories for her,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16where you have to use a tiny amount of cannabis oil
0:26:16 > 0:26:19and mix it with something that will blend with it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I was using coconut oil. I'm mixing cannabis oil with coconut oil
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and putting it in the freezer,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25and I'm there with billions of suppositories in my kitchen
0:26:25 > 0:26:28and I feel very like Breaking Bad, but I don't know what I'm doing
0:26:28 > 0:26:31and you can't Google it and I tried to call 111, but they're useless
0:26:31 > 0:26:33and they're giving me Calpol, so I don't know what to do.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35So, I'm there, going, "My mum's got cancer.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"I'm going to save her and make these suppositories."
0:26:38 > 0:26:41But the problem with coconut oil, is it gets all over your fingers.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44So, you've lost half the goodness, it's just waste of time.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Do not use coconut oil. What you need is cacao butter.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Yes, this is very middle-class.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53You need cacao butter to mix with cannabis oil and you freeze it
0:26:53 > 0:26:54and I gave it to my mum.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It obviously didn't cure her but it eased her pain.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59And when we went to the doctors, I was like, "Let's tell them,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"but let's break it in gently that I've got you
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"on this class A illegal substance, so let's just...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"..wean our way in."
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Hopefully, they'll be surprised you've been managing so well
0:27:09 > 0:27:12with stage four cancer only on Calpol but, you never know.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:17We got into the room and she's sat with the oncologist,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19and my mum farted.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:25And I was like, "Oh, my days. You're joking."
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I was like, "What I do?"
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"Pretend to be high, pretend to be, like,
0:27:29 > 0:27:33"I do it. it's not her, it's me. Oh, look at those rabbits. Oh."
0:27:34 > 0:27:37We came out and I was like, "Mum, why did you do that?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40"It's so annoying." She was like, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it."
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I was like, "You just shat out £65 worth of cannabis oil, you idiot!"
0:27:44 > 0:27:47So, you know, I got the e-mail to do this gig
0:27:47 > 0:27:50a few weeks before my mum died and I said I don't want to do it.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I'd been waiting for years to do the Apollo.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54I don't want to do it.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56And she said, "Luisa, promise me you'll do it.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"Promise me you'll do Live At The Apollo, whatever happens."
0:27:59 > 0:28:02I said, "No, because I'll be with you. You'll have cannabis oil,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"it's going to be amazing, you'll be fine."
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And she was like, "Whatever happens, promise me you do that gig."
0:28:07 > 0:28:11And so, that's why I came out today to do the gig.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25So, thank you for having me. I'm Luisa Omielan. Big love.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Thank you.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Luisa Omielan!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much
0:28:42 > 0:28:43for watching Live At The Apollo.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Please give a massive round of applause to my guests,
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Luisa Omielan and David O'Doherty. My name is Nish Kumar.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Thank you very much. Good night.