0:00:11 > 0:00:17This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:22 > 0:00:24..Rob Beckett!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hey, hey!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Hello, and welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I'm Rob. You happy? You good?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Yes!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Nice. I'm happy. I'm very happy to be here.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Right, very happy to be out of the house.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Because me and my missus have moved, and we've got a doer-upper.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57She likes to call it a project.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Do you know what I call it? Fucking derelict!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I ain't got a sink!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I ain't got a sink! You got a sink?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- No.- No?!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- You haven't got a sink? - No, my housemate just took it out.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Your housemate just took it out?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Who are you living with, Handy Andy, what's going on?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- You've got a sink, yeah? - We've got a kitchen sink.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19You got a kitchen sink? Yeah, I ain't got one sink, mate!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21The sink's coming next week.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I ain't got nothing! It's the only reason I'm here.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Tell some jokes, wash my hands.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29No sink!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31And I can't do any DIY.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Useless. All I can do is jet wash.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Amazing. I love a jet wash.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Dirty patio, yes, please.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Feels so good. It's so rewarding for such little effort, isn't it?
0:01:43 > 0:01:48I love it. Always leave a little patch to show them how dirty it was.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51That's how dirty it was until I got involved.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52I get carried away.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54I was at the front of my house, went down the street,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57started doing a bus stop. Not even mine!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I will jet wash anything if it stays still long enough.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Did a dog.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Come up lovely!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09And the thing is, I can't do DIY and we've got a derelict house.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13But the problem is, the father-in-law is one of those
0:02:13 > 0:02:15father in-laws that bought a wreck, did it up,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18because he knows all about DIY and now it's worth double,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20and he comes round my house,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23swinging his massive I-decorated-my-whole-house dick,
0:02:23 > 0:02:28knocking things off the side, smashing vases.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31That's right, I've got a vase. Nothing to fill it up with.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32No sink!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Empty vase, dead flowers, that's my life!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41And he's got a ladder.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Flash bastard.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Who does he think he is?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49How often's he going up high?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Just take your chances on a rickety chair like everyone else.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Live a little.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Live life on the edge.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00He's got a tool box. Well, I've got a tool box.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Well, I've got a Spider-Man lunchbox with a screwdriver in it,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07but... As far as I'm concerned, that's a box with a tool in it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Three screwdrivers, actually.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I had a very fortunate Christmas cracker episode.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16And the annoying thing is, when he comes round to do jobs in the house,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I can't go out or play Fifa.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I've got to stand near him like I'm helping.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I don't know anything. I might as well be standing next to a vet.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I've got nothing in my locker!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Just stand under his ladder,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32dust and paint like his little peasant helper boy.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Sire, what can I do for you, sire?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39What can I do while you do the curtain, DIY God?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43He just demands thing. Like, "Pass me my Phillip screwdriver."
0:03:43 > 0:03:46What kind of wanker names his screwdrivers?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Idiot.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Do you want Peter and Paul and Danny, do you?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59I have to spend a lot more time with the in-laws as well now.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Cos I've got a kid. And at Christmas time, they want to see the kid,
0:04:02 > 0:04:06don't they? So, we have to split Christmases between her parents and
0:04:06 > 0:04:08my parents. "Year on, year off," she calls it.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"Good year, shit year," that's what it should be called.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Yeah. A year you enjoy Christmas,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21a year you want to stab yourself in the eyes with screwdrivers.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25It's awful. They do have some nice bits of their Christmas.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27They're, like, lovely family. Very middle-class.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29They have a lovely tradition which involves every Christmas,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32the family getting new pair of pyjamas, right?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Each, not one massive pair they all pile in.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37All get a new pair of pyjamas, right?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40And they put them on, right? And then they go to bed.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41There's three daughters in the family.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I'm married to one of the girls, she's got two sisters.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46So they all put their new pyjamas on, go to bed,
0:04:46 > 0:04:47wake up in the morning in their new pyjamas,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49get the stocking from the end of their bed,
0:04:49 > 0:04:50run into Mum and Dad's room,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53sit on the bed and the whole family, in their new pyjamas,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54open their stockings.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57What a lovely tradition, isn't it?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Eh? When they were three, five and eight.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Not last Christmas,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06when on the bed in their pyjamas
0:05:06 > 0:05:08there was a 21-year-old, a 25-year-old, and a 28-year-old.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Stuck in the corner is me,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13a fully grown adult man...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16..sitting there with a boner!
0:05:16 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25It's not my fault! Nothing weird's going on.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27They've got me up too early and rushed me through!
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I've gone in the toilet,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33as though I'm smuggling in half a Toblerone!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Got a couple of Alps. Give me the chance.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38It's a nightmare first thing, isn't it,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41in the morning? Everyone sort of goes, "Oh, men.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42"They can get it out and go wherever."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Not first thing in the morning!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, it's like pissing through a metal chopstick.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49You haven't got a chance! And you're arching your back like a cat trying
0:05:49 > 0:05:51to get out of the bath.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"What're you doing in there?!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58"Look, either piss on the ceiling or I'll snap it in half!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"Do you want more grandkids?!!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Don't know why I'm shouting, the door was open.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07It's all grown up for me now.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Wife, kids, stuff like that, you know?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Bought a tumble dryer. I'm doing all right.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I've got a tumble dryer. Love the tumble dryer.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I love the tumble dryer because he don't care.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22He's an animal. It's like the wild card on a stag do.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24It'll do whatever you want him to do.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27The tumble dryer has got one setting - on.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It's all he knows - on.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It's all he cares about.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35All he wants to know is, how long?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Just... 15 towels, nine hours, wallop.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Tumble!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Tumble!
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Don't care. Chuck a bowl of water in and it'll try and dry it.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56It don't care. Tumble! It don't even need to be in the house.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Get in the shed! Get in the shed! Tumble!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Love it, love the tumble dryer!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05My clothes are so dry.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09They're so dry, my clothes, with the tumble.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11They're so dry!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I mean, I used to just hang them up and hope in the hallway.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Now, they're so dry!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Nothing fits, but...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23They're so dry and tiny, my clothes. I love it!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Anything you want, chuck in there.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Tumble!
0:07:28 > 0:07:32All you need, a little de-fluff now and again, which is fun, isn't it?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35That's always fun. I'm a little old for the tumble tube.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37These, you know, you know the little tube that just...?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I think he shouts all the water out. He's like, "Tumble!"
0:07:40 > 0:07:42He's a little old for that, isn't it?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44We got ours in the kitchen, our tumble dryer.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Because there's a gap where the sink should be.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I know what you're thinking. Where's the tumble tube going?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Where are you putting the tube? Cat flap.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Perfect, isn't it?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Straight for the flap, outdoor's still locked, house secure.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04No breeze, because it's for the flap.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Only problem is no-one told the cat.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Poor little fella's coming home after a night out.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Oh, hello.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15There's a tube in my flap.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17What's going on there?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Some sweets, some dreamies?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19What's the...?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Tumble!
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Tumbled the cat, didn't we?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27It's all right, I've got a nice little kitten now.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28It's quality.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31It will shrink anything.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Like the dishwasher as well. I've got a dishwasher.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I like dishwasher. He's all right.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Keeps his head down, doesn't he? Stays out of trouble.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Occasionally, pops his little light on, doesn't he?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Like, hello! Beep, beep! Dishwasher here, DW just checking in.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Sorry to interrupt, but I need some salt.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51What?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Why?! What are you doing in there, tequila?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58What's happening?! You're supposed to be washing the glasses,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00not using them!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02What's he need salt for?!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Before I got a dishwasher, I didn't do washing up by hand and go,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09"Here we go. Let's get a bowl of salt. Can't do the dishes without seasoning, can we?"
0:09:09 > 0:09:12What's it want now, handful of coriander?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15There you go, mate, get on with it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18The worst is when it asks for Rinse Aid.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Get a life!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Rinse Aid! Do me a favour.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25It's got two jobs - wash it, rinse it. Shut up!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29But I don't mind the dishwasher.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Washing machine, though, I do not like.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Arrogant.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Flash, isn't it?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Smarmy little bastard.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Too many settings, isn't it? It reckons itself,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45doesn't it? Quick wash, slow wash, 30 degrees, 40 degrees, 50 degrees,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48synthetics, cottons, silk.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52And it's a liar.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53It's a liar, the washing machine.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55It lies about how long's left.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Never been right!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Walked past it the other day. 30 minutes, it said.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Well, it said 30. I don't know what it's counting in, but it said 30.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Go and watch the football.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Watch the first half of the football, 45 minutes.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Come back, it's on ten!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19In what world was that 20 minutes?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I turned around, looked in the fridge, went back, it went down to nine!
0:10:22 > 0:10:23That weren't a minute! And I
0:10:23 > 0:10:27know that because it's a minute before the fridge alarm goes off.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29So, I go and watch the second half of the football, right?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Watched it, 45 minutes, come back.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33It's on one.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Eight minute second-half?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36That don't make sense, does it?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39But I thought, you know, I'm busy, but I'm not that busy.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40I'll sit it out.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Ten minutes I looked at a one minute.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I was getting more and more angry, just losing it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58And I thought, "Just go to bed, Rob.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Just go to bed, sort it out in the morning," right?
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Went upstairs, went to bed, right? Got ready for bed, clean my teeth.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Four hours later, I'm getting into bed.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07And...
0:11:07 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I'm trying to make it more subtle.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And I get into bed. My head hits the pillow, right?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Finished, isn't it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And I've got one of those machines that beeps for ever.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I don't know if you have this, because I don't need it to beep for ever.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Just a couple of beeps will do. Because it's not as if
0:11:33 > 0:11:37if it don't beep for ever, I'll forget I own a washing machine and clothes.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Just walk past it every day for ever.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41What's that big white thing with clothes in?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43If it beeps, I'll have a look in it.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45But as soon as it's not beeping,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'll leave it shut for the rest of my life.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I think, "Right, it's beeping.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54"Just go downstairs, get it out the washing machine
0:11:54 > 0:11:56"and chuck it in the tumble dryer, you'll be fine."
0:11:56 > 0:11:58The old faithful, not a problem, right?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Get up, go downstairs, go to open it...
0:12:07 > 0:12:08"Sorry, I'm locked!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"I'm not feeling safe yet, actually.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"I'm locked.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"I'm draining." How much water could be in there?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I'll be all right. We're not on the Titanic, mate!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Just open it up, let me in.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I'm willing to take the risk.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27And I lost it. And I don't know if you've ever ripped the door off a
0:12:27 > 0:12:28washing machine...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32..with your bare hands.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Right? It feels good!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38The only problem is when the repair man's there in the morning,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and he goes, "How did this happen?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And all you've got is, "It come off in my hand..."
0:12:45 > 0:12:48And he goes, "Well, in my opinion,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"it looks like it's been ripped from the hinges...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"and stamped on."
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Well, I'm not paying you for your opinion.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Fix it, shut up and get out of my house.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Is your dad staying for dinner or is he going? What's that?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Right. Are you ready for your first act?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20CHEERING
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Please welcome to the stage Jen Brister!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Well, good evening, Apollo!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42CHEERING
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's lovely to be here.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46I've come all the way from Brighton.
0:13:46 > 0:13:52Just in case you're wondering what this haircut is about. Um...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I might be a new face for some of you people.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Don't panic, the BBC invited me here cos they...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01..they needed a beige lesbian.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04So...I'm just here to tick some boxes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Not your box, madam.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Just... Just a metaphorical box.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I'm half Spanish, that's what's happening there.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I've got a Spanish mum.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20And she lives here in the UK, it's all very legal.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25She's lived longer in the UK than she's ever lived in Spain
0:14:25 > 0:14:28but the brilliant thing about my mum is that she's never lost her accent.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31IN SPANISH ACCENT: She's still very, very... Lots of words she cannot pronounce.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Lots of lots of words she cannot pronounce, huh?
0:14:34 > 0:14:39OWN ACCENT: My favourite word that my mum's never been able to pronounce is...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41..my brother's name.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:45 > 0:14:46It's not even a difficult name.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48His name's Stephen.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I don't know if you've noticed this, but Spanish people, any word that
0:14:51 > 0:14:53begins with a letter S, they struggle, right?
0:14:53 > 0:14:54So my mum doesn't call him Stephen.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56She calls him...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Estevan.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05What's his name, Mum?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Estevan.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Is it?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Isn't it just Stephen?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17No. I know his name, he's my son, it is Estevan!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24I don't know how my mum... My mum's never really coped in this country.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27And I think it's because like a lot of Mediterranean people, she's quite loud. Yeah?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29She's got one volume. It's like this -
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Hallo!! How are you?!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Whereas in this country, particularly if we're middle class,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38we tend to be low talkers, don't we?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42We don't like to raise our voices, do we?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Why?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Because we've got money.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54And we just assume that if you
0:15:54 > 0:15:57are raising your voice, well, you're probably...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59poor.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Or worse, foreign.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Great thing about having a Mediterranean mum is they feed you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Oh, my God. She's always feeding.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13That's her way of showing that she loves her children is to feed us.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Anything could be going on in my life and my mum will relate it back to a meal that she's cooked.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Do you know what I mean? Like, so good or bad, particularly if I'm depressed,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23if I phone up my mum, and I've had a terrible day, yeah?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I phone up my mum. The conversation always goes like this.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29"Oh, Jennifer. My God, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time right now.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"But, you know what? Don't worry, OK? I made a soup.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"Come home, you sound hungry.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"I made chicken, carne, lamb tagine.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41"I made some tortillas, some paellas, some cauliflower.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"Maybe some meatballs, some beef, some banana ball.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"You're a lesbian. You don't eat enough balls, please?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"Come home.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Eat my balls."
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I'm 42. Don't worry, I'm not going to moan about my age.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I realise there's nothing worse than somebody younger than you moaning
0:17:03 > 0:17:06about their age. You know, when you overhear somebody saying things like
0:17:06 > 0:17:09this on the bus, "I'm going to be 23 on Saturday
0:17:09 > 0:17:13"and I just feel really old."
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And you think, "I will...
0:17:15 > 0:17:16"stab you in the face."
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I'm not going to moan about it.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22You get boring as you get older
0:17:22 > 0:17:24because you-you just...you do less.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28And the way to make sure that you really nail the coffin in dullness,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31have kids. Oh, my God!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Snoresville!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I've got twins. I've got twins, yeah.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Going to be three in a few weeks' time.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41And... Don't cheer that, thank you.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43If you had twins, you'd be like,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46"Oh, unbelievable! Keep going, mate!"
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Because I am... This is a dream sequence for me.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I think I'm actually dead.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I was... Do you know what I was really worried about before I had
0:17:55 > 0:17:56children? It wasn't about being a parent.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I was really worried about being dull.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Because I'm not... I mean, look.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Having kids late, 42, yeah?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And they're only, like, nearly three.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Most of my friends have had kids,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and I remember my best mate when she had her kids.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Dear God. Before the children arrived,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14we'd have interesting conversations about current affairs,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17popular culture. She'd ask me questions like, "How are you?"
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Yeah. Soon as the kids arrived...
0:18:19 > 0:18:22..that went. Go round the house and it's a bit more like this,
0:18:22 > 0:18:26"Oh, hi, Jen. Oh, Jen, thanks so much for coming, Jen. Look at the baby. Look at the baby.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29"Isn't the baby the most beautiful baby you've ever seen in your life?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32"We love this baby, don't we, Dave? We like to look at the baby all day. Jen, look at the baby.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35"You don't want to miss a second of anything the baby's doing.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39"What did we learn today, David? We learned something really important today, Dave. We learned war is bad.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42"We didn't know that until we had a baby. Jen, look at the baby. Jen, look at the baby...
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"I had to video everything the baby does. We think our baby's a genius.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"We think our baby is more clever than any other baby that's ever existed before.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"What are you looking at me like that, David? What's happening, David? The baby's blinking?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55"That's incredible, Dave. Video it! Play it back to our friends while they self-harm in our living room."
0:18:55 > 0:18:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I do not want to be that person.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08And it is not sustainable.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Yeah? Because that mate of yours will make the error of having two or maybe three kids.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Go round their house after they've had their second or third child,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18and you'll find a very subtle change in their behaviour.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22It's a bit more like this. "Sorry, mate. Can I just stop you there? It's just that...
0:19:22 > 0:19:27"little Johnny's got his fingers in the plug socket and I'm worried he might electrocute himself."
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"Leave him, we've got another one. Open the Pinot Grigio."
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Being a parent is hard!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. And no-one tells you!
0:19:38 > 0:19:44Yeah, in fact, no-one is more delighted for you to have children than your friends who have children.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48They are over and above more excited for you than members of your family.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Tell a mate with kids you're going to have kids, they're like that...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you!
0:19:54 > 0:19:58"I'm sure they'll give you so much, you'll grow as a person.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02"Unconditional love!"
0:20:03 > 0:20:06At the time you think, "God, they are really happy for me."
0:20:06 > 0:20:10It's only after you have your kids that you go, "That was hysteria."
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Do you know what I wish?
0:20:12 > 0:20:16If one of my mates had taken me to one side and just give me an idea about what to expect. You know,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19just sat me down gave me a little bit of truth bomb.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I would have appreciated this conversation.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24"Brister. Hello, mate. Why don't you sit down?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27"Just to let you know, it's bit of a horror show.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"You're never going to finish a cup of tea or coffee again.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"You're going to have to have a shit with the door open.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33"Your sex life is over, your social life is dead,
0:20:33 > 0:20:37"and if you want to have an ice cream, you're going to have to have it behind a bin in the garden.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40"Anyway... Congratulations."
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Apollo, you've been an absolute delight. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Thank you so much!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Jen Brister!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Oh, yeah.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You ready for another act?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Yeah!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Welcome to the stage Darren Harriott!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Yes!
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Wild one!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Glad to be here, man.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26My name is Darren Harriott.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31I'm 29... Very much a typical sort of millennial, you know?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I've got typical millennial traits.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Always on my phone.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37My favourite website is Google.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40I know, it's a bit weird, isn't it?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It's not a website, it's a search engine.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44It's like saying, "What's your favourite sexual position?"
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Bedroom."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I'll tell you what I love about Google, right?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53You can tap anything you want into the search bars,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55and you never get in trouble.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00Like, anything. I was bored one day and I tapped into Google,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"how to dispose of a dead body."
0:22:02 > 0:22:06The weird part was by the time I tapped in "dispose,"
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Google finished the rest of the sentence off for me.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I mean, that's a bit weird, right?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Somebody else has already asked this as a question!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Literally hundreds and hundreds of comments from people saying things
0:22:16 > 0:22:21like, "Don't worry. Close the laptop. Pray, the Lord will forgive you."
0:22:21 > 0:22:27Except for one psychopath who wrote a full detailed description
0:22:27 > 0:22:32of exactly how to dispose of a dead body, to the point where it was chilling.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35He's like, "Yeah, you've got to chop the body into pieces, shave the hair off, take the teeth out,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"put the body parts into bin liners,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41"spray the bin liner with deodorant so the cats don't rip the bag..."
0:22:41 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Really chilling.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Then at the end, he just had the nerve to put, "Hope this helps."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56What a nice guy!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I'm obsessed, man.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'm obsessed with the way society is going.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Like, do you think we're getting too PC?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Yeah!
0:23:04 > 0:23:09We might be. Every year, we lose a Halloween costume.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I'll tell you why I think that, right?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I tell you why I think we might be getting too PC.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17We now have racial emojis.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Remember when all emojis were yellow?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24And nobody cared?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28I tell you why I don't like these new racial emojis, because I had no
0:23:28 > 0:23:31idea what shade of black I was...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36..until these new emojis came out,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38but apparently, I am second-to-last black.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Yeah. On holiday, I'm the guy on the end.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50But...
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I am British. I'm Black British.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I like being Black British because you can brag about the British Empire
0:23:58 > 0:24:00but have none of the guilt.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Oh, it's amazing!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I am British and proud, man.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08I... Listen.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I voted in the Brexit thing, I voted remain.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I did.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13WHOOPING
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I tell you why I voted in the Brexit thing.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Never cared about politics before, until then.
0:24:18 > 0:24:24Very millennial way. I saw a clip online of a woman losing her mind
0:24:24 > 0:24:27about Brexit and she said something I had never heard before and I've
0:24:27 > 0:24:30still never heard it. She was on Question Time.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34And she was like, "Look. I am white English!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36"And because of these refugees,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40"we are now the indigenous people of this land!"
0:24:42 > 0:24:45And I'm sitting there in my boxer shorts like, "For real?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48"You're indigenous now, really? You're dying out, really?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52"Really? Sting's going to bring you to the Emmys, really?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53"Really?"
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Now, look, I know there's white English people in here today.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59And I just want to say, thank you for coming!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It's always good to have some of the natives in!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Oh, I'm going to be taking pictures with you outside.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Show the grandkids how crazy things were!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I know, you're still in the lead, isn't it?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22You're still in the lead. I've been to Cornwall.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28We had all these marches.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Feminist march, you guys go?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Yeah, man. Even I went.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I did! I went there looking for a date.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Honestly! A bunch of women angry at an old white guy -
0:25:40 > 0:25:44as a young black guy, smooth sailing, boy!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I went there with a net.
0:25:47 > 0:25:52There were some creepy guy there, as well, who had a T-shirt on that said, "I am a feminist."
0:25:52 > 0:25:55And I was like, "Urgh! All right."
0:25:55 > 0:26:00And he opens his bag, puts on a hat that said, "I am a feminist," too.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01And I was like, "You're a creep!"
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Honestly! Like, I support the feminist movement, but come on!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Really? You need to put it on two different types of fabric?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Really? And I support it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16I do. But I reckon deep down women aren't even attracted to guys like
0:26:16 > 0:26:18that who walk around with a T-shirt saying, "I'm a feminist."
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Because deep down,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23you know he's not going to do all the things you want in the bedroom.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Even the basic stuff!
0:26:26 > 0:26:27"Tell me I've been a bad girl."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"You're a strong, independent woman!"
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Exactly! I'm a big supporter of people's rights, man.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41That's my thing, big supporter.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44The LGBT community, big supporter of that.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47But I got told off! Because it's not just LGBT any more, is it?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49It's a little bit longer.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54It's LGBTQIAPK - Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer,
0:26:54 > 0:26:58intersex, asexual, pansexual, kinky.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Yeah! They took all the colours of the rainbow.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Now they've taken the letters!
0:27:03 > 0:27:04And I support it!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I do! I support it.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Except for the last one.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Kinky.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Are kinky people a marginalised group now?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Kinky's just a matter of opinion, isn't it?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19What's kinky to me might just be Tuesday for you, you piece of shit!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I tell you one thing, right? Officially, officially,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34there's over 50 different genders now.
0:27:34 > 0:27:3650! It's catching up with Pokemon!
0:27:37 > 0:27:42And I support it. Again, I support all these different genders.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45But I tell you one thing - that's really going to ruin the game Guess Who?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49"Is it a man?"
0:27:49 > 0:27:50"No." "OK."
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"Is it someone who was born a man and now lives as a woman?"
0:27:55 > 0:27:57"No." "OK."
0:27:59 > 0:28:04"Is it someone who was born a man, but no longer lives as a man or a woman,
0:28:04 > 0:28:08"refers to themselves as gender fluid and doesn't answer to pronouns he or she?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12"Also wearing a hat?"
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Guys, I just want to say, back when I was trying to make it as a comic,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30I used to work here as a security guard.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32So, doing this now has been a legit dream come true.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Thank you very much, man!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Darren Harriott!
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Give it up for the acts you've seen, Jen Brister!
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Darren Harriott! And I've been Rob Beckett.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Be lucky and good night!