0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Oh, yeah! #
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight, Henning Wehn!
0:00:25 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29UPBEAT MUSIC
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Hey! Good evening, Apollo!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Are you all in a good mood?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52A German host! Wahey!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54CHEERING
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Them Brexit negotiations, they're really not going very well, are they?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59One of the many concessions.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04And to make matters worse, I've never ever done stand-up back home.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07The reason being, I'm not good enough to cut it in Germany.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Here in Britain, fucking easy!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16If you want to have success as a stand-up here in Britain,
0:01:16 > 0:01:17all you need to do, loads of swearing.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20In Germany, we don't swear at all.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Reason being, things work.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Isn't even a joke. Heh!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I really enjoy doing stand-up in the UK
0:01:34 > 0:01:37because no matter how badly a gig might go,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39the worst that can possibly happen to a performer
0:01:39 > 0:01:44is that someone will come up to them after and go, "I enjoyed it."
0:01:45 > 0:01:4815 years ago, when I first came over,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I would have always taken it as a face-value compliment,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54but now I understand it's the British way of saying, "That was shit."
0:01:56 > 0:01:59It's in the same league as, "Good effort!"
0:01:59 > 0:02:00"That was interesting."
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"You're so brave."
0:02:06 > 0:02:09"Stand-up comedy, that must be the hardest job in the world.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"Standing on stage making other people laugh.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"I couldn't do it...either."
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Had them all said to me time and again.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23I always felt at home living in the UK, I always felt at home,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27and then I woke up last year on June 24th, thinking,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"Cor blimey."
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And I didn't see it coming. Did you see it coming?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33- AUDIENCE:- No!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35No, most of you didn't. Some probably did.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I probably should have seen it coming
0:02:37 > 0:02:40because a few months prior to the referendum,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I was asked to front a TV programme called
0:02:42 > 0:02:44An Immigrant's Guide to Britain.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49A programme for immigrants by immigrants.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And that was my opening experience,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54mainly that the makers consider me an immigrant.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55I mean, I see myself as all sorts.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59I was born in Hagen in Westfalen, so I'm Westphalian.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I'm German, European.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- These days, Londoner.- Wahey!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Wahey! At a push, Cockney. Huh!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER Innit?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And I know if I ever have to disappear,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I can easily blend in in the north-east.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21No, honestly, I can, I can,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25because...because I have been reading...
0:03:28 > 0:03:32..the Viz magazine now for well over a decade. I never miss an issue.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34And, luckily, everything's written phonetically,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36so I'm a shoe-in for the Newcastle area.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Where's me favourite, Sid the Sexist?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Where is he, then? Oh, here he is.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43"Hullo, Sid!"
0:03:43 > 0:03:47"Hullo, lads! What the fook are yees all grinning aboot?"
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Uncanny, innit? Uncanny!
0:03:51 > 0:03:56Anyone blind's going, "What's Alan Shearer doing in here?"
0:03:57 > 0:04:00You know, if they ever remake Auf Wiedersehen, Pet,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I mean, I can audition for all the parts, can't I?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06It's a one-man play waiting to be performed by me.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09If I ever get a contract at Newcastle United,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11or as we call them, the Toon,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13the whole Gallowgate will be going,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16# He's one of our owwwn He's one of our owwwn
0:04:16 > 0:04:18# Henning Wehn, one of our owwwn. #
0:04:20 > 0:04:23One of our own, eh? You lads and lasses speak Geordie, man.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Why-aye, champion, or something like that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Ah!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I'm not an immigrant. Absolutely no hardship in me story.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I always thought, "Nah, I'm not an immigrant
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"because there are absolutely no expectations back home."
0:04:37 > 0:04:39It wasn't that people back home were going,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"Ooh, let's hope Henning succeeds in Britain...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"..so we can afford a second goat."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46There was nothing riding on it one way or the other.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I cannot possibly be an immigrant, I have never used Western Union!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Now, that is surely conclusive proof!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Now, this might be a technicality,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01but I always thought to qualify as an immigrant,
0:05:01 > 0:05:03you had to move somewhere better.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07APPLAUSE
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Moving somewhere worse is what I associate with becoming an expat.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Or in more extreme cases, relief worker.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Back home, I was second best at everything.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Didn't cut the mustard whatsoever.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29But here in the UK, everything's at eye level.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Everything's like, "Yeah, I can do it roughly like that".
0:05:34 > 0:05:37And that's why Britain is such a popular place with foreigners,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41because everything's achievable...give or take.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Except for becoming upperclass.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49If you weren't born into it, no chance.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52The best you can hope for is "wrong 'un done good".
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Anyway, the vast majority of foreigners in the country are economic migrants.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03And it's become a little bit of a dirty word, and I understand why,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06because let's be honest, them econmonic migrants,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08they do ruin it for the British workforce.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13You don't have to agree with me openly on this one, everybody knows I'm spot-on.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Economic migrants, they do ruin it for the British workforce.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Turning up in the morning on time, sober, wanting to work.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21APPLAUSE
0:06:25 > 0:06:27What's wrong with you? Call in sick!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Assimilate, you bastard!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What do you mean, "trying to better yourself"? You make me sick!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I mean, it's not a problem if a society,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39if we've got ethnic backgrounds.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It's one of the brilliant things about Britain,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44having different ethnic backgrounds, as long...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Well, as long as there is some glue that holds us all together,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50because otherwise, well, you're talking parallel societies,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and that's route one towards civil unrest.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56And what's the most basic thing we all need to share
0:06:56 > 0:06:57so we can communicate with each other?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Language!- Language. Exactly right. Thank you very much.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05And David Cameron, remember him?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07A few months before he buggered off
0:07:07 > 0:07:09and left the country in the doldrums,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12he said whoever has been living here a good few years
0:07:12 > 0:07:15and still doesn't speak the language, he wanted to send them home.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Now, I don't know how he would have administered it, but I get the basic idea.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You've been living here a few years, still don't speak the language,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24you clearly don't want to integrate, what asset are you to this society?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26But what's wrong with the current model?
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I mean, if you don't speak any English, you're given a contract in the Premier League.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36And the poor bastards even have to give interviews after the games.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I mean, that's just cruel, if you ask me.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"Eh, eh...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"Eh, eh...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"Eh...eh...score goal.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"Eh...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Team win. Eh...I happy."
0:07:50 > 0:07:53And that's the manager!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58So when you move abroad, learn the language.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And what else brings us together?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Well, symbols, such as flags.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Seeing we're in England, it's the flag of St George.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Because nothing says "welcome to England"
0:08:09 > 0:08:14more than a St George's flag in someone's front garden.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Now, I absolutely love the flag of St George
0:08:18 > 0:08:21because it's a first-class burglar deterrent.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"I'm not going anywhere near that one, it's some nutter's house."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I mean, obviously equating the flag of St George
0:08:32 > 0:08:35with mental health problems and violence
0:08:35 > 0:08:37is quite a middle-class notion, innit?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40All the scallywags going around burgling houses, they know better.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44They know the flag of St George outside the house
0:08:44 > 0:08:50guarantees a 70" plasma TV screen inside the house,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and make it a prime target.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55So you're off much better flying the flag of English Heritage.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00No-one will come near it because they know it's at least £20 to get in
0:09:00 > 0:09:04and absolutely nothing worth nicking.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"Oh, look at this antique bed, it's a masterpiece!"
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Well, it's only four-foot long because they were all dwarves back then!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12They're only good for the bonfire.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15So when you move abroad, learn the language,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18drape yourself in the flag, and once you have done that,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21might as well go the whole hog, mightn't you,
0:09:21 > 0:09:22and do the citizenship test.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27That's essentially a high-stakes pub quiz.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30APPLAUSE
0:09:35 > 0:09:38A high-stakes pub quiz where the winner gets a passport,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40rather than some low-quality meats.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44And you can do it once you've been in the country for five years.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47And I never considered it, but since the referendum,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I've slightly changed my tune on that topic.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Better safe than sorry.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52But I have to be honest with you,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I'm actually excited about Brexit. I really am.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59And I want a proper, hard Brexit.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Because I've felt for years that I arrived in the UK far too late.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You know, I wish I'd been here
0:10:04 > 0:10:07before Britain joined the common market.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Because from all I hear, it must have been an absolute paradise.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It was, wasn't it? You only had to go to work three days a week.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Very low electricity bills because mostly, there wasn't any.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Hopefully, we can relive those wonderful times together
0:10:22 > 0:10:25in the very near future.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Who knows, it might still turn out a really good decision.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Who knows? It's too early to say.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33But whatever happens next on this island, I want to be part of it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37And that's why I've started revising for that citizenship test.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Some of the questions, you couldn't make them up.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45And, like, one of them is, "What day is Vaisakhi being celebrated?"
0:10:45 > 0:10:48What? What? What? Yeah, that was me, "What?!"
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I had to google it. It transpires that it's some Indian festivity.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53They want you to know the answer to that!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56And they want you to know, "How many days does Hanukkah go on for?"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"How many days does Ramadan go on for?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Now, if I know the answers to all them questions,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I'm only given one passport.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07APPLAUSE
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I feel quite short-changed, to be honest with you.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14But again, the idea behind that tokenistic approach is pretty straightforward, isn't it?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Because like it or loathe it, certainly, the bigger cities in the UK are multi-faith affairs,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22and knowing a little bit about each other cannot possibly be a bad thing.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Knowing the answers to them questions doesn't help you understand
0:11:25 > 0:11:27what mainstream Britain is all about.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I mean, if you want to find out about mainstream Britain, go to the darts.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35A single evening explains all.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Who has been to the darts?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I mean, that is the best night out ever, isn't it?
0:11:41 > 0:11:46I mean, that is 180 out of 180, it really, really is.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47A phenomenal night out.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Let's quickly set the scene.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52No-one at the darts watches the darts.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56The board's too small, too far away
0:11:56 > 0:11:59and the whole game, quite frankly, far too boring.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Instead, the whole entertainment
0:12:01 > 0:12:03is the audience shouting abuse at each other.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07And that's achieved in the following way -
0:12:07 > 0:12:08there's two different kinds of ticket.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10There's raked seats all around,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and then there is an identical number of seats
0:12:13 > 0:12:15available at tables in the middle.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And the tickets at the tables, they're a fiver dearer.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22And the whole entertainment is centred around those £5.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Because all evening long, the people at the tables
0:12:24 > 0:12:26shout at the people in the raked seats,
0:12:26 > 0:12:31"You can't afford a table! You can't afford a table!"
0:12:31 > 0:12:33And then the raked seats retaliate with...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36# Did your father, did your father
0:12:36 > 0:12:38# Did you father pay for that? #
0:12:38 > 0:12:42# We pay your benefits We pay your benefits
0:12:42 > 0:12:45# Does your butler know you're here? #
0:12:49 > 0:12:51And that's Britain in a nutshell, innit?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Class obsession, tribalism
0:12:55 > 0:12:59and very, very narrow margins.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Because think about it,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04even the people at them posh tables,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07they're still only at the darts.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Do you want to see some more comedy?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16CHEERING
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Wunderbar! Please welcome to the stage
0:13:20 > 0:13:22the phenomenal Lucy Porter!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:24 > 0:13:29# There's a guy works down the chip shop swears he's Elvis
0:13:29 > 0:13:34# Just like you swore to me that you'd be true
0:13:34 > 0:13:36# There's a guy works down the chip shop...#
0:13:36 > 0:13:40My God! Well, well! Hello!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Hello! I'm so delighted to be here.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I'm Lucy, I'm a suburban mother of two.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I have two small children.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I say that, I lie, I have two young children.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54They're not small because they take after my husband, Justin.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I'm 4' 11", my husband, Justin, is 6' 5".
0:13:56 > 0:13:59So to give you a mental image of what that's like,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02in the bedroom, it's like a ventriloquism act that's gone to a very dark place.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Don't dwell on that image or anything, but it does
0:14:09 > 0:14:12sort of look like he's wearing a novelty pencil sharpener on his, erm...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Anyway...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20But, yeah, the kids are massive, so...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Cos when I got pregnant, our friends were fascinated.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25They were like, "This is some kind of medical experiment.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"What happens if you cross a cart horse with a Shetland pony?"
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And the results were...they always wanted to be in the delivery room.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36They were like, "This could be the first time the baby slaps the midwife back," right?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40It's weird as well, cos they don't look like me, not just cos they're
0:14:40 > 0:14:43massive, but also cos they've inherited Justin's colouring.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45They are blonde-haired, blue-eyed.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48It's like I've been ethnically cleansed from my own family.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I did all the hard work, none of my DNA made the cut.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55We're different in lots of ways, Justin and I.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Class-wise, we're quite different. I would say I'm lower middle class.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00I'm from a place called Croydon.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02CHEERING
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Whoo!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07For anyone who doesn't know Croydon, it's a lovely little fishing village just to the south of London.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09A beautiful spot.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12So, I would say I'm lower middle class, I think
0:15:12 > 0:15:13I'm lower middle class.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Justin is from a little village in Hampshire, mm-hm?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19So I would say he's upper middle class, right?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22And you might say, "Well, you're both middle class, what's the difference?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:25But, lower middle class, upper middle class, there are differences.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29It's things like, both our families had holiday homes, but theirs didn't have wheels.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35But we've moved now, we've moved to a place called Pinner.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38And we only moved to Pinner because the estate agent said to us,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41he said, "Oh, Pinner is a lovely part of west London."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43West London? We get Welsh telly.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48It's not London, its not London.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49But it is very nice.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53One of the things I like about where we live is it's very multicultural.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I think that's one of the brilliant things about London.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I think multiculturalism is something we really have to fight for.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Like, the school my kids go to,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02it was very easy to pick a school for my kids, cos obviously
0:16:02 > 0:16:05we just picked the one with the highest ceilings, but the school
0:16:05 > 0:16:09they go to, it's a really nice school and it's very diverse.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Like, we have a mums' night out once a month
0:16:12 > 0:16:14and all the mums from the school go. And there are women there
0:16:14 > 0:16:18from every economic background, every race, every religion.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21And we have a fantastic time and the Muslim mums drive us home.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26APPLAUSE
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I tell you what, it is nice. I had an incident the other day, though.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I was walking down the street near where I live
0:16:35 > 0:16:36and it was one of those sunny days.
0:16:36 > 0:16:42One of those days that reminds some van drivers that women have breasts, you know one of those?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45And I was walking down the street and there was a van drove up
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and slowed down and two guys leaned out of the van
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and they were in classic kind of leching position.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52And I knew they weren't going to be looking at me,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55because I'm 44 years old... And, in fact, my older friends, when I was
0:16:55 > 0:16:59turning 40, they said, "Aw, being over 40, it makes you invisible."
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And I have found, yes, that is true, but the brilliant thing is
0:17:03 > 0:17:05it mostly makes you invisible to dickheads,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09so it's not really a problem, it's a superpower if anything.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11So, I'm walking down the street and these two guys are leaning
0:17:11 > 0:17:13out of this van and I see they're leching,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15but they're looking past me at a younger woman,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18a woman in her 20s who is walking alongside me.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21And these guys do the classic thing, they lean out of the van
0:17:21 > 0:17:24and they gave this woman a very detailed appraisal of her anatomy.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27You know, they covered all the main areas in bullet pointed form, very thorough.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30And then they went on to suggest what
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I can only describe as a smorgasbord of activities they felt
0:17:33 > 0:17:35they would enjoy indulging in with her were
0:17:35 > 0:17:38they not under pressure of time to get to the next plumbing job.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42So, they did all this and they drove off and naturally
0:17:42 > 0:17:46I turned to this woman and I said, "Oh, my gosh, are you OK? That was horrific."
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And she said, "No, I'm fine, it happens all the time."
0:17:49 > 0:17:51And I thought, "Yeah, it does when you're in your 20s, doesn't it?"
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And we were chatting about how silly it was as we walked down the street.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And then we got further down the road
0:17:56 > 0:18:00and the traffic had slowed down and this van had come to a stop.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02And I think a few years ago, I would have just left it,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04said nothing, but this year, I thought,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08"Do you know what, if I'm going to be invisible, you know who else is invisible? Ninjas."
0:18:09 > 0:18:13"I am going to be a bloody middle-aged ninja, I'm going to strike," right?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16So, I went up to the van and I just leaned in and I said,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"Oh, hi, guys, listen, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to say
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"thank you so much for what you did back there, because my son
0:18:22 > 0:18:26"here has been undergoing a very difficult gender reassignment."
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"And, to be honest, he's been worried that it's not going that well,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44"but what you did back there really made him feel like a proper woman."
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Whooo!- Thank you, I was delighted with myself as well.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52But what was really special was that then the young woman next to me leaned in beside me
0:18:52 > 0:18:57and in the deepest voice I've ever heard just went, "Yeah, thanks, guys."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:07It was a beautiful moment.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Obviously, it wasn't perfect.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11The only thing that could've made it perfect would have been
0:19:11 > 0:19:14if the guys in the van had said, "Actually, if your child is
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"undergoing a gender reassignment, it's incredibly insensitive of you
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"still to be referring to her using the male pronoun."
0:19:21 > 0:19:24They didn't do that, they just called us slags.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Before I go, I was just going to tell you, Justin, I said he's an actor.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32He's a giant of the acting world, by which I mean he's six foot five
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and he's been in Holby City.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38But he was on EastEnders recently.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- Whooo!- Right? I know.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42And he got the job on EastEnders and he came home, and when you get
0:19:42 > 0:19:46a part in EastEnders, they're very precious about their security, right?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48So they said to him, they said,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"We'll send you the script for EastEnders the day before you film,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"no longer before, just because we don't want it to get leaked."
0:19:54 > 0:19:57And they said, "We will encrypt the file when we e-mail it to you,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"so it'll come into your e-mail and you won't be able to read it
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"until we give you the password to decode it."
0:20:02 > 0:20:04And they said, "We will phone you with the password,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07"but we won't phone your mobile, cos mobiles aren't secure,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10"so we will call your landline with the password, right?"
0:20:10 > 0:20:13So it gets to the day before filming and he gets the script
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and then the phone goes and he picks it up and he starts typing
0:20:15 > 0:20:17and he's laughing.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19And I said, "Well, what is it? Why are you laughing?"
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And he said, "Oh, it's just the password is EastEnders."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Your BBC, ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Thank you so much for having me. Have a wonderful evening, thank you.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Lucy Porter!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Are you up for some more comedy?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47CHEERING
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Wonderful. Please welcome to the stage the phenomenal Guz Khan!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:56MUSIC: Pow by Lethal Bizzle
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Yeah. Live At The Apollo, what you saying? You all right, yeah?
0:21:08 > 0:21:09CHEERING
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Listen. It's crazy being here, man, it's surreal, in fact.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Until 20 months ago, I was a public servant.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I was a full-time secondary school teacher.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21That's right - usually, I get a cheer, but you're thinking,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"I'm glad he's out, I don't want him teaching my kids.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"I don't want him teaching my kids!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:29You know what? People don't take teaching seriously.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's a vocation, it's a way of life.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Teachers sacrifice their welfare, their sanity, their health.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38We are not just teachers who deliver a curriculum,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40we are loco parentis, all right?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42That means we are in the place of a parent.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Do you know how much responsibility that is?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Young lady, do you know how much responsibility that is? All right? Yeah?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49But we're not just parents, man, we're grandmas, grandads,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51we are medical professionals, all right?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I don't have the qualifications to carry that off,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57but we are medical professionals, all right?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Some of the shit we have to listen to at 7.30 in the morning is unbelievable, all right?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I want to give you an example.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06One of my boys gets up out of his chair, walks over to me.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10I say, "Hey, did I say it was OK for you to get out of your chair?"
0:22:10 > 0:22:13He said, "Nah, sir, but listen, yeah?"
0:22:13 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"Sir, this is a serious, now."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I said, "Listen, man, I don't care if it's 'a serious', yeah?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24"Just give me till break time and I'll do it."
0:22:24 > 0:22:29He said, "Nah, sir, you don't understand. This is a serious now."
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I said, "Is anybody touching you?" You have to check that, innit?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm an adult, you got to check that. I said, "Is anybody touching you?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"Because if they are, go tell someone else,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"that's a lot of paperwork, man, I've already got this to do!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"Tell the year head, he's not doing anything.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"In fact, here's some advice for you, son - run!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"Anybody try touch you, just run away!"
0:22:52 > 0:22:55He said, "Nah, sir, listen, man, stop mugging man off and that, yeah,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58"this is a serious medical issue man's got now, yeah?"
0:22:58 > 0:22:59I said, "What is it?"
0:22:59 > 0:23:03He said, "Sir, yeah, I looked down this morning, yeah?
0:23:03 > 0:23:04"And I got a problem here."
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I said, "What? In your stomach region?"
0:23:07 > 0:23:10He said, "Nah, sir, I got a problem in my pinnis."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I said, "You are not going to pass GCSE English
0:23:14 > 0:23:17"if you pronounce words like that, we need to work on this."
0:23:17 > 0:23:20He said, "Nah, sir, listen, stop mugging man off, yeah.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"Seriously, man, man's got a problem down here, innit? Down here."
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I said, "Well, what's wrong?"
0:23:25 > 0:23:27He said, "Sir, I woke up first thing in the morning,
0:23:27 > 0:23:31"I looked down there, yeah, and my ting has turned green."
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Now, Apollo, don't get me wrong, I was grossed out,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38but I was kind of interested as well. "Green?!"
0:23:38 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"What the hell you been doing? Dipping it in mint tea? Why is it green?"
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I've got this going on and one of my girls jumps out of her chair.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53"Sir, sir, listen, yeah, I shared a Cornetto with Craig
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"and now I'm pregnant, what shall I do?"
0:23:55 > 0:23:56I said "Whoa! Whoa!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"That's not how that works, but can you give me
0:24:00 > 0:24:03"a minute, please, I'm over here trying to deal with something."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05She said, "Sir, you know what, now, I'm sick of you, yeah, you don't
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"ever give me the attention like you used to. If you don't listen
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"to me right now, I'm going to start self-harming, sir. I hate you, sir." I said, "Shush!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"Shush, please, OK? Just give me a minute.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18"I'm over here trying to figure out what's wrong with Teenage Mutant Ninja Dick and YOU..."
0:24:20 > 0:24:24"..are stressing me out with your immaculate Cornetto conception story. Go away!"
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I hate these kids!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Let's, ugh... Let's lighten the mood a little bit.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Let's talk about terrorism. Terrorism...
0:24:35 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Listen, one of my main issues with terrorism is simple, right.
0:24:42 > 0:24:47It's got people that have known me my entire life doubting my credibility, all right?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50It's mad... And I want to let you know, all right,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52you guys are a little bit worried at the moment.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53I'll make it explicit for you.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I am not a member of Isis, all right?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I'm not, OK? I've nothing to do with those people,
0:24:59 > 0:25:00I don't follow their ideology.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04That's cos I've got six months left on my Al-Qaeda membership.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Where did they go? My gosh.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13One of the worst things about terrorism is how it's got people
0:25:13 > 0:25:16doubting my credibility, people I've known my whole life, all right?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I want to give you an example. I've got a neighbour, OK?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22She's called Maud, she's known me for 27 years.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And because of the media narrative, the way that the media
0:25:25 > 0:25:27portrays Muslims, minorities, Black Lives Matter...
0:25:27 > 0:25:31The world is very divisive, who in this room just wants to live and get along?
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Make some noise.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33CHEERING
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Exactly, we all want to, all right?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38But the media has got people doubting me, all right?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41So, I've had my neighbour 27 years, we've got a... It's a nice, simple
0:25:41 > 0:25:43thing, it's a neighbourly thing to do, all right?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45A regular Friday wheelie bin ritual.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48We grab the wheelie bin, drag it down to the end of the driveway,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50have a quick natter, go back in.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53It's what neighbours do, innit? It's what neighbours do, all right?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56This particular Friday, Maud is like clockwork, but she was late.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58And I'm thinking, "Is Maud OK?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"I hope she's all right, usually she's like..." The bin was
0:26:02 > 0:26:05stinking of shit but I thought, "You know what, I'm going to stay here,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09"I'm going to be a good neighbour and have this conversation." Three minutes later, boom!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11She kicks open the door, she's stressed, she's flustered.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I said, "Maud, is everything OK?"
0:26:14 > 0:26:16She says, "No!
0:26:16 > 0:26:20"No, Guz, everything is far from all right.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24"Have you seen the news?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:29I'm like, "Listen, Maud, a lot of my cousins are on there, I don't watch that shit, you know that...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31"It brings back a lot of bad memories for me, Maud."
0:26:31 > 0:26:33She says, "Guz, it's the Izis."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I-Z-I, she's from Birmingham, that's how she spells it. "It's the Izis.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"They've been doing terrible bloody terrorisms again, them lot."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I was like, "Listen, that's bad, I don't agree with those people
0:26:44 > 0:26:46"and, you know, I hope they're brought to justice."
0:26:46 > 0:26:49She says, "You say that, Guzzy, yeah, but you've got to tell me something, babes.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51"You're nothing like them, are you?"
0:26:51 > 0:26:52I said, "What?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58"Maud, you've known me 27 years, baby, I'm nothing like them,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"stop buying into the media narrative,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03"stop buying into the news, I'm me, Guz, your neighbour."
0:27:03 > 0:27:06She says, "I know, I know you say that, it's just that from very specific angles..."
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:12"..it's a very Bin Laden look you've got going on there."
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I said, "Hey! I don't even look like that guy. Very racist!"
0:27:15 > 0:27:18She says, "Guz, I know, I'm just being silly, I'm just being silly,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"but you just do me one more favour, though, babes, OK?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22"It's just more for my Rod, really, yeah?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26"If you hear anything about it before the news does, just let me know."
0:27:26 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Live At The Apollo, what does Maud think is going on here?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44That all Muslims are in one WhatsApp group? Because, blud...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48..that's a very big WhatsApp group!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50That's 1.8 billion participants, to be specific.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53That's a lot of blue ticks to keep hold of.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56"Imran, Imran are you there, bro?" "Which Imran am I addressing?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"There's 33 million Imrans in the group!"
0:27:59 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Guys, I'm out. My name's Guz Khan.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Thank you.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14You lot need to... I'm a confident guy, I'm a confident guy,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17you need to remember the name, guys, cos I'm going to blow up.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Not like that, you pricks.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Say Guz Khan, thank you!
0:28:22 > 0:28:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Guz Khan!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Ladies and gentlemen, you have been an absolute delight, please
0:28:35 > 0:28:38give it up one more time for the two phenomenal acts we have seen.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Lucy Porter and Guz Khan!
0:28:40 > 0:28:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Thank you very much, Auf Wiedersehen.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45APPLAUSE