0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Dane Baptiste!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- Apollo, how are you, guys, are you good? AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Oh! Thank you for coming, guys.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I am so happy to be here, my first time hosting the Apollo, guys.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45It is an overwhelming opportunity.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Thank you, thank you very much, guys.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52But, no, it's great,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55it's great to be able to earn a living from something that you love.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Cos it means that I'm no longer on JSA.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Three years ago I was unemployed, still on the dole.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Anyone here unemployed or been unemployed? AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06You've been on the dole, that's right, you put those hands up
0:01:06 > 0:01:09with pride, don't you ever feel ashamed, madam, OK? That's right!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And the rest of you employed people, you need to understand something.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yes, some of us are unemployed, we're here, we're proud,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17get used to it.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19And we don't like the term "unemployed,"
0:01:19 > 0:01:22we prefer the term "capitalist intolerant."
0:01:24 > 0:01:27And, actually, I think you'll find the job centre is a wonderful,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29humble, social environment.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32You get no judgement when you go to the job centre.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35It's like being a pervert at your first orgy.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It is not a good, romantic environment, though.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41If I can give you guys some advice,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44if you ever find yourself unemployed at the job centre,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47do not make eye contact with the women that work there.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Cos all you're saying to them is, "Hey baby, how you doing?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"I have nothing but that's good enough for you."
0:01:55 > 0:01:58They don't like that, no, no, no.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01No, things are going well, things are going pretty well.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Like, I'm not one to brag, guys,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07but right now you are looking at a young, black, hundred-aire.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10That's right, guys. Thank you. Hundred, upon hundred.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Between my student loan and my taxes, I might make £300 this month,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16so things are going well.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18But people keep saying to me stuff like,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"Dane, invest, invest your money." I don't know anything
0:02:21 > 0:02:24about investments, I was unemployed three years ago.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27My investments revolve around the Nike shoe box under my bed
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and sometimes I'll get drunk and put £20 in my jeans,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34then I'll find it again when it's time to wash them.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37That's the closest I've ever been to laundering money, so...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I think the most motivational thing I ever heard
0:02:40 > 0:02:42when I wasn't making money
0:02:42 > 0:02:45was from my own mother when she said to me, "Hey, Dane?"
0:02:45 > 0:02:46and I said, "Yes, Mother?"
0:02:46 > 0:02:50"Do you remember when you was an account manager working in sales?"
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"Yes, Mother, I do."
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"I was proud of you then."
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It's fine, I love my mother, she's a great person, great motivator
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and she let me stay in her house rent-free
0:03:03 > 0:03:05when I was capitalist intolerant so she's a wonderful woman.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08But it's great, man, it's great to be able to do this for a living now.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I get to travel.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I was in the States recently doing a gig just like this
0:03:12 > 0:03:15except there was a 14-year-old kid in the audience.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18So, I tried to be mature and responsible and I said to him,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"Hey, young man, you should listen to what I have to say. Who knows,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"you might learn something from these jokes."
0:03:24 > 0:03:25And he said, "I've got XBox Live
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"and free porn. What the fuck can you teach me, old man?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:35So, I said, "Well, with your new president depleting
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"the Earth's natural resources, in a few years, you might be
0:03:37 > 0:03:40"sucking dick for fresh water so maybe you should listen."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I don't take shit from kids!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Sounds harsh but I don't take shit from kids. Sorry, guys.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53He did raise a valid point, though, cos we now live in
0:03:53 > 0:03:54the era of free pornography.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Anybody born in the '80s or earlier will realise how hard
0:03:57 > 0:03:59we worked to get free porn and now it's here.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03However, now that I'm older and a bit more mature,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I realise that can be very damaging
0:04:05 > 0:04:07cos it does sexualise teenage girls.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Cos you go on any sex website or to any sex shop, there's always
0:04:10 > 0:04:14a naughty cheerleader outfit, or the naughty schoolgirl outfit.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Why are we always sexualising the image of teenage girls?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Women never do that with teenage boys.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I don't think any woman in here's ever turned to her partner
0:04:22 > 0:04:26and gone, "Hey, baby, can we do some role play?"
0:04:26 > 0:04:27"Sure, baby, what are you into?"
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"OK, can you put on some stained boxer shorts
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"and an old football top?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Go upstairs and leave a pizza under the bed for, like, a week
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"and then I'll come upstairs with a basket of laundry and tell you to
0:04:40 > 0:04:44"lock up your mountain bike and ask about your revision for your mock
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"exams and then you tell me to do one cos you're playing Call of Duty.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"I would love that. Oh, my God!"
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And the guy's like, "Yeah, I can dig it, baby.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"Then, afterwards, you can buy me some Clearasil
0:04:54 > 0:04:55"and we'll go for a cheeky Nando's."
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"Oh, yes, mm!"
0:04:58 > 0:05:00No woman is doing that.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03But they say that porn can influence a lot of young men
0:05:03 > 0:05:04cos they had a recent survey
0:05:04 > 0:05:08and it said a lot of young men now aspire to be pizza delivery boys.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12See, I like this bit, because we're going to separate the room
0:05:12 > 0:05:15between people that know what I'm talking about
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and the liars here with their girlfriends.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It's fine, guys, I'll take the bullet for you.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24So, in this kind of scene, a guy will show up
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and he'll say something porny like, "Here is your pizza, madam,
0:05:27 > 0:05:33"it's got all the toppings you need, it's piping hot and round."
0:05:33 > 0:05:36And she'll be like, "Oh, my God, I didn't bring any money to pay
0:05:36 > 0:05:40"for that pizza in this thong, whatever should I do?"
0:05:42 > 0:05:47"Oh, that's OK, baby, I bought a sausage to stuff your crust."
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"Oh, really? But I asked for a 12 inch."
0:05:54 > 0:05:59"I got your 12 inch right here, baby. It's a deep pan."
0:05:59 > 0:06:03MAKES SEXY MUSIC NOISES
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I just don't think that's very aspirational for young men.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I think it's about time we held these porn producers
0:06:12 > 0:06:15to the same account as hip-hop artists and encourage them
0:06:15 > 0:06:17to make more aspirational porn.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Like, I, for one, would like to see maybe a porn accountant.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Let me set the scene.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26So, he's in the office doing an audit for a rich spinster.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29She's very successful. Then he'll turn to her and say something like,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"Madam, I've checked the figures
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"and I'm afraid your account is in the red."
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Oh, my God, that's terrible!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"How do you suppose I get back into the black?"
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I feel like you guys know how that ends.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Cool.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54And I know it's a risk to go into porn material the first time
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I'm hosting Live At The Apollo, but I took a risk, guys.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I don't think we should be in a time where, as a man, you cannot
0:07:03 > 0:07:04express your desire for women.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07So, here's a newsflash, ladies and gentlemen.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I'm a straight man that finds women sexy and sometimes
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I want to have sex with them but, as a man, I realise that being
0:07:12 > 0:07:16with a woman is a privilege and not a right, and that's the difference.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18It's like a great philosopher once said in ancient times,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"I like big butts, and I cannot lie."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Right, that's what you need to ask yourself.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Am I looking at a woman's bum?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Or am I comfortable with her leading the way economically,
0:07:28 > 0:07:29politically and socially?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34She's twerking for a better tomorrow and I fully support that.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You know, that's what I'm saying.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I'm just saying it's not as straightforward as being
0:07:39 > 0:07:41a perv cos you enjoy the female form.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It's not as black and white as that, there's a spectrum.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47There's a pervert spectrum...
0:07:47 > 0:07:48..and I'm on the spectrum.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52And if at one you have, like, virgin,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55and ten is trench coat in the buses with lotion...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59..then I would say I'm like a three.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Now, yes, guys, sometimes I watch porn but I don't leave comments.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It's just a line you don't cross, that's all I'm saying.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I do get concerned about the message that we send, you know,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17young women a lot on TV and, you know, in the media.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Because right now we live at the height of materialism
0:08:19 > 0:08:22where it's suggested to young girls especially that you can
0:08:22 > 0:08:25indulge the most depraved man as long as he's rich.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29This is evidenced by the franchise Fifty Shades Of Grey.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Has everybody here seen Fifty Shades Of Grey or read it?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33MAN SHOUTS
0:08:33 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:37OK, some of you are shaking your heads. Fine.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I will give you a quick plot summary of Fifty Shades of Grey.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I will be paraphrasing in this monologue, by the way.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Is everybody ready? CHEERING
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Here is Fifty Shades of Grey, abridged by Dane Baptiste.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"Hi, I'm a pretty, naive, American young girl
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"who doesn't know about sex,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"even though I have access to the internet and my friend's a journalist."
0:09:01 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:08"Mr Grey, you seem so mysterious and rich. Can I interview you?"
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"That's right, baby, I am mysterious, and I'm rich as hell.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"Can I put a pineapple in your ass?"
0:09:14 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:16APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:19WHISTLING
0:09:19 > 0:09:21APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I mean, some other stuff happens, but that's pretty much it.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Unfortunately, we live in a time where, you know,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31materialism's encouraged, you know.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Do you guys remember the song, No Scrubs by TLC?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38CHEERING Yeah. Great song for the ladies.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Not so fun for the unemployed male.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:46That was not a fun song to hear when I was younger.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I remember how that song used to go.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50# If you live at home with your mama
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# Oh, yes, son I'm talking to you. #
0:09:53 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:01If you live at home with your mother, they're talking to you.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05What if I'm a full-time carer?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I'm supposed to leave my mother lumbered with bedroom tax,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15then go and live with a bunch of strangers
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and pay somebody else's mortgage,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20then have those strangers question my life choices,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22which my mother already does,
0:10:22 > 0:10:23but I get rice and peas when she does it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:31# Sitting in the passenger side of his best friend's ride
0:10:31 > 0:10:33# Trying to holler at me. #
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Sitting in the passenger side of his best friend's ride,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39trying to holler at me.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I'm sorry, if me and my friends
0:10:41 > 0:10:44are concerned about our carbon footprint...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:48..I'm not entitled to find love?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:54# If you don't have a car and you're walking
0:10:54 > 0:10:57# Oh, yes, son I'm talking to you. #
0:10:57 > 0:11:02If you don't have a car and you're walking, they're talking to you.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06So we're supposed to leave our houses in four separate cars,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10knowing full well petrol prices
0:11:10 > 0:11:14are at £1.25 per litre in some stations?!
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Then if you go into London, you're paying a congestion charge four times.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23If you're going out of London, you're paying a toll charge four times.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Then whenever we get where we're going,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28then you got to pay a parking charge four times.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31And if we're all driving, then guess what we can't do?
0:11:31 > 0:11:32We can't drink.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Cos when you all take separate cars, there's no designated driver, TLC.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Which means when we finally do get to the club
0:11:39 > 0:11:43because of all the traffic, cos there's four cars adding to that traffic...
0:11:43 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47..we got to drink water and sparkling water,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49then pay club prices for a fruit juice.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52So I'm paying £7.25 for a cranberry juice
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and we've been planning this night for months, TLC!
0:11:54 > 0:11:56LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:58APPLAUSE
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06CHEERING
0:12:08 > 0:12:10This next act I'm introducing to the stage,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I've worked with her a number of times, she is amazing.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16An international act for your viewing and listening pleasure.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Guys, please show your love and welcome to the stage, Desiree Burch.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:24MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Yes! I'm excited as you are! Yes! How are you guys doing?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- CHEERING - Beautiful!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I am a big woman, and I am going to talk about it,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47and I warn you guys that in advance because everyone's, like,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50assholes just start shutting down as soon as...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And it's a crazy thing because, like, you know, I'm American, right,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I'm a comedian. If I just came out here as a guy comedian,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I could be, like, "I'm a big, fat funny fuck. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:13:00 > 0:13:03And I would have an HBO special for that alone.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Like, I'd be a millionaire, you know, I'd have a game show.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08But if you're a fat woman who talks about her body at all,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11everyone's, like, "Ooo! She's going to go home and cut herself.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:14LAUGHTER
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Like, seriously, it's fine, all right?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I have had all the good times in this body.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I've had some of your good times in this body.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- APPLAUSE - Do not worry about me, all right?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28But I think, you know, we do make assumptions,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31like, people come up to me and assume that I'm friendly and helpful.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Fat people hate your skinny asses, OK?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Like, we would punch you all in your skinny-ass mouths
0:13:39 > 0:13:42if we weren't too fat to run away immediately afterwards.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's the only thing protecting any of you guys.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You know, whether you think you're way worse than everyone else
0:13:47 > 0:13:48or way better than everyone else,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50you still think you're different to anybody else?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Like, we're all pretty much, like, the same asshole
0:13:53 > 0:13:56with seven different versions of a face, right? We know that, right?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59So you're not better or worse, but, like, typically in our society,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01women tend to think that they're way worse than they are
0:14:01 > 0:14:05and guys tend to think they're way better than they are.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Like Matrix, like, "Whoa, that's a lot of ego, bro".
0:14:09 > 0:14:13You know, and you can tell when they're chatting you up
0:14:13 > 0:14:16because they're always talking to you about all these things that they have.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19They're, like, "Oh, yeah, you know, I can totally get us tickets to that Kanye show.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21"I used to know his manager".
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And, like, "Yeah, I got a new Audi 5.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"I got a time-share. You should come up."
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And the more and more he's talking to you about all these things he can do for you,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31the smaller and smaller his dick gets in your imagination, right?
0:14:31 > 0:14:35It's like this reverse Pinocchio where it's, like, every time he tells a lie,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38just... You know? You know?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Oh!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42To the point at which you're, like,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"Dude, this guy has got, like, four inches of dick, max,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"if you measure from the asshole".
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:55- APPLAUSE - Which you know he does. You know he does.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Got to get them tape millimetres, you know. Jeez, it's ridiculous!
0:14:59 > 0:15:04So as you guys can probably see, I'm a big woman, I'm a black woman,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I attract a lot of fetishy men in my life.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Like, just little, tiny, fetishy guys.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12And if there's any woman in here who's, like, 5'10" or taller -
0:15:12 > 0:15:15like, I'm 5'11", like, 6'1" with the hair,
0:15:15 > 0:15:16you know, 6'8" with the ego, right?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18I'm a tall human being.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21And so, any tall woman here knows that whenever you go out,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23it is always the shortest guy in the world
0:15:23 > 0:15:25who is trying to talk to you, right?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28You, like, see this tiny man walk into the bar and he's just like,
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"I got to climb the biggest bitch in this room. Where is she?"
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- LAUGHTER - "Ahoy! Yo-ho, yo-ho! I win!"
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Like, I don't know why he's got to mount you,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40but, like, he just sees you and he's, like, "I got to achieve that".
0:15:40 > 0:15:43The thing is, like, short guys are cool, they're usually, like, funny
0:15:43 > 0:15:46and charming and gregarious, cos they got to be, um...
0:15:46 > 0:15:50And, like, I mean, I definitely will go home with a short dude,
0:15:50 > 0:15:51you know, like, they're hot, right?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I just can't date them during daylight hours.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58No, I mean, like, you know, I tend to date a lot of white dudes
0:15:58 > 0:16:02and the problem is, I can't walk down the street holding a short, white dude's hand
0:16:02 > 0:16:05cos I'm going to look like his Jamaican nanny picking him up from day-care.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:09APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:14It's, like, literally, the guy who is into me is about 5'6" max, right?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Eyes right on the prize right here.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20He always has that same look, like, he's got a bald head,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23he's wearing a turtle neck, he's got a goatee.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26You know, that look that says, "I can't get any pussy, I got to grow one on my face".
0:16:26 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Just licks his lips a lot when he looks at you, like,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"Oh, you're such a goddess. Oh!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:36You're, like, "Get more gin and tonic".
0:16:36 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Right? It's just like it's a matter of, like, shooting
0:16:41 > 0:16:45enough elephant darts of vodka into me before I'm, like, "OK, fine".
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Oh, my goodness! But it's fine, I'm here, I'm in a relationship,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I don't have to do any of that shit no more.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54It's great. Now, I will say this,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57the best thing about being in a relationship,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59cos I spent a lot of time, most of my adult life, not in one.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03And now I'm in one and I'm, like, "OK, give and take, all things are good".
0:17:03 > 0:17:08The best thing about it is that I never have to hear this question any more.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And I know, I used to teach and we often say,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"There's no such thing as a stupid question, you guys".
0:17:14 > 0:17:16But there is.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20And that question is, "Uuuuuuh! Did you come?"
0:17:20 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:28"Did you come? Ah! Did you come?"
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Cos the thing is, every time you ask that question,
0:17:32 > 0:17:36you kind of already know the answer to that question, don't you?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Don't you? Yes, you do. What you're trying to say is,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41"Are you done? Cos I would love it if you were done right now.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43"I would really like to be done.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"I have a leg cramp. Are you done?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49"My fingers are worn down to a nubbin. Are you done?"
0:17:52 > 0:17:53And I appreciate that.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56CHEERING
0:18:00 > 0:18:03I totally get that, guys. Like, you do a lot of work.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05It does not go unrecognised, gentlemen,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08especially in the bedroom. You do a lot of work, OK?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Especially if you're with me, cos I'm literally like,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15"Er...no, I brought the vagina, you do the work.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"I'm sorry, I make 70 cents on your dollar?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21"Oh, no, you're going to do this work. All right?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23"I've been protecting this thing all day, OK?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27"From dogs and predators and bears, all right?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28"You go, you!"
0:18:28 > 0:18:32You know? So, like, I appreciate you're going to do a lot of that work.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It's, you know, not lost on me.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37But I think that there's a lot of undue mystery
0:18:37 > 0:18:40built around the female orgasm.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Like, every woman is different, it's such a mystery.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It's, like, it's not a mystery. We can do that shit in three minutes.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47It's called plugging into the mains, right?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- LAUGHTER - OK? Figure it out.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54But I feel like unfortunately, there's been a lot of unhelpful propaganda
0:18:54 > 0:18:59about the female orgasm that has not helped anyone get there, right?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Cos the thing is, even if you've never seen anything dirty in your life, right,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06we've all, in this room, seen at least one female orgasm in common.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10And it's that Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally thing, right?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Where she's in the cafe, acting her little head off, you know?
0:19:12 > 0:19:17She's, like, "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19That is not it!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- LAUGHTER - All right?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26That is the cheerleading that we do to let you know,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"Keep doing this shit you're doing right here, dude!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"Yeah, not that dumb shit you were doing two minutes ago.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"With the nipples. What is this?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38"I can't... What is this? I can't use this.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39"That's...that's for you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42"Yeah, like, every time you suck on my titty,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44"I just think about what our kids would look like, cos you're, like..."
0:19:44 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"That is for you, all right?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52"Keep doing this, right here.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56"Only this thing. Do not improv right now, OK?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59"Just keep doing this one thing for the next five to seven,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01"I don't know how many minutes, OK?
0:20:01 > 0:20:05"But you are going to know because, "Ah! Ah! Ah!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:10"is going to turn into, "AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! Don't you stop!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12"AHH! Boom!"
0:20:12 > 0:20:14LAUGHTER
0:20:14 > 0:20:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Yes!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Did I come(?)
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You're going to know when I come, all right?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29You're going to have PTSD when I come.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:33You guys have been so lovely. My name is Desiree Burch.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Have a good night. Thank you. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Desiree Burch, ladies and gentlemen!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:53All right. It gives me pleasure to introduce our next act.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55He's an amazing guy. You're going to love him as much as I do.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Please give all of your love to Chris McCausland.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:02# The boys are back in town
0:21:02 > 0:21:06# Boys are back in town
0:21:06 > 0:21:09# The boys are back in town
0:21:09 > 0:21:12# The boys are back in town
0:21:12 > 0:21:14# The boys are back in town... #
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Wow, ladies and gentlemen, Hammersmith Apollo!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21CHEERING
0:21:21 > 0:21:25My name is Chris. I am blind.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Which... Look, it's going to be just like watching any other comedian,
0:21:30 > 0:21:35except if any of you guys down the front here do need a piss, you can just go.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:39APPLAUSE
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I'm from Liverpool.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50- CHEERING - Oh, yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54I live in South West London now with my wife and a dog,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56which is brilliant. I love having a dog.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00I didn't realise I was such a dog person until we got the dog.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And just between you and me. sometimes having a dog -
0:22:03 > 0:22:05a little bit better than having a wife.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:11I mean, obviously, I don't have sex with the dog, so that's the same.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:15APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:20We got a little daughter at home, as well,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23which maybe I should have told you about before the dog,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- in the order of priorities... - LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:26..of stuff that's happened in my life,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29but, you know, it's a good dog, innit?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31LAUGHTER
0:22:31 > 0:22:36My wife, she is not of these parts.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39She's from Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Whoo!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Oh, yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:49No, I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm a very, very lucky man.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52She's a good-looking girl, so she tells me.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:58You've got to have trust in a marriage, haven't you?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:03 > 0:23:07She wanted me to go to Rio with her for Christmas,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09see where she grew up.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- That's not the joke. - LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Turns out, Rio at Christmas, that's their summer, innit?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22That's the Brazilian summer, So I just asked her, didn't I?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I said, "How hot do you reckon it'll be in Rio at Christmas?"
0:23:25 > 0:23:29She told me like it was the most casual thing in the world, like she's telling me the time,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31and she went, "Oh, I don't know, 40-45 degrees?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:36I said, "Piss off! That's like gas mark five!"
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I said, "Look at me, I can't go there, I will die".
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Anyway, we compromised, and I went.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:48That's how marriage works, apparently.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:51These aren't real trousers.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:58It's difficult sometimes, marriage, isn't it, you know?
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Jesus was married.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02That seems to be quite a popular theory these days.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I think that would explain a lot, wouldn't it, if Jesus had a wife?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Explain the 40 days in the wilderness, for a start...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:12..and the faking his own death.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:24It's 12 hours to Rio. 6,000 miles. It's a long way.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30We landed. I'm not going to exaggerate, it's 35 degrees.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33I even said to me wife, "It's not as hot as I thought it was going to be.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"Little bit hotter than I'd like at home during the summer,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"if I was given the choice, but, bollocks, I'm on holiday, you make an effort, don't you?"
0:24:39 > 0:24:42She said, "It's midnight".
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:48This was the leftover heat they had kicking around the place.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51This was spare heat they did not need any more.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:58The next day, when the sun came up, it was 49 degrees.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03At Christmas. 49 degrees.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Even the locals were moaning about it.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I thought, "What chance has a Scouser got
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"if the Brazilian people are struggling?"
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I've had sunstroke at the Reading Festival.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:23People ask me, they say, "Chris, what is it like
0:25:23 > 0:25:27"trying to raise a child when you can't see the child?"
0:25:27 > 0:25:29It's ups and downs, you know, ups and downs.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31You just got to go with the flow.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Can't prepare yourself, you know.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36She's three and a half now. When she was two and a half...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38If you haven't got kids, as soon as they get to two, they're adorable.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42They just start asking questions, they want to know what everything is.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45You are their source of information. They want to absorb the world.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48My daughter, she's two and a half, she's in the bath,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I'm knelt down, I'm bathing her,
0:25:50 > 0:25:56she's like, "What...what...what's this, Daddy? What's this, Daddy?"
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"I don't bloody know, do I? Give it here."
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- LAUGHTER - "You might be two and a half,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"but you know way more than Daddy at this point, sweetheart".
0:26:02 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:07"What's this, Daddy? Ice cream?"
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I was like, "Ice cream?" Big handful of shit, wasn't it?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- LAUGHTER - Massive.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15APPLAUSE
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Not like a little pebble, not like a little, "Oh, sweetness, where did that...?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:21An impressive quantity for an adult male.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I wasn't sure the dog hadn't jumped in and done it when me back was turned
0:26:25 > 0:26:28and she'd just scooped it out.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30She just slapped it in there in one go.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:38It threw me. I didn't...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Look, right, I obviously didn't see it coming.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- I didn't even... - LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:44No, no. I didn't even smell it coming.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47This came from underwater. This was a stealth move, right?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:55And I'm not entirely sure exactly what happened, you know?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I've narrowed it down to two options, I think. I've given it some thought.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01She was two and a half, let's give her the benefit of the doubt.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04She deserves the benefit of the doubt, doesn't she?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Option one, benefit of the doubt. This is what happened.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08She sat in the bath, in the warm water,
0:27:08 > 0:27:12she farts, she shits herself.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14She doesn't know she's done that.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Few minutes later, that goes floating past her in the bath.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21She sees it there, she thinks to herself, "I wonder what the bloody hell that is."
0:27:21 > 0:27:23LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:25"That looks a little bit like ice cream."
0:27:25 > 0:27:29"I know", she thinks, "I'll ask Daddy about that.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"He knows about these things. He's a very, very clever man."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35That's option one, isn't it? Benefit of the doubt.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Option two, she's a bloody comedy genius.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:45She's sat there in the bath, she's got Mr Penguin up here on the wall,
0:27:45 > 0:27:49she's going, "Mr Penguin, Mr Penguin, get on this now.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53"This is going to be brilliant. This is going to be amazing.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56"Watch his face now, watch his face, watch.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"Keep looking, keep looking. What am I going to do?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"Not only am I going to do a shit and put it in his hand,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04"I bet you I can make him sniff it".
0:28:04 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:06 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what? I've just turned 40.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17What a way to start a decade. Thank you so much, guys. Cheers.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you! Cheers! Thank you!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Chris McCausland!
0:28:35 > 0:28:36How good is he?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42You saw Desiree Burch.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44CHEERING
0:28:44 > 0:28:46And Chris McCausland.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48CHEERING
0:28:48 > 0:28:52I've been Dane Baptiste, you've been an amazing audience. Good night!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE