0:00:03 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Oh, we have a great show for you tonight, we have a fantastic show,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47very funny comedians. I know funny, I do, very funny.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48People always ask me who I think is funny,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51that's the number two question I get asked as a comedian.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54The number one question I get asked as a comedian is - "Have you ever died?"
0:00:54 > 0:00:57As soon as someone...as soon as you tell someone you're a comedian,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59the first thing they want to know, "Oh, have you ever died?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01"Oh, what's it like when no-one laughs?"
0:01:01 > 0:01:04"Oh, tell us about the worst gig you've ever had in your life!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07"Please, relive for me in minute detail
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"the worst moment of your professional career!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"Have you ever really died?" It's like saying to a doctor,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15"Tell us about the last patient you lost, what happened?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18"Were the family crying? I bet they were, were they?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20"Yeah, yeah?" People are such ghouls,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22it's the number one question - "Have you ever died?"
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Number two question, though, is - "What makes you laugh?"
0:01:24 > 0:01:27People always want to know that from me. "Who do you think is funny?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And that's a nicer question, that's more understandable.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31You know, I make people laugh,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33people want to know what makes me laugh.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35In the same ways you might say to your hairdresser,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38"Who cuts your hair?" Or you might say to someone in an Audi,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"Who do you think drives like a cock?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Same kind of thing. LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I like that joke. It's a short joke, it's a sharp joke,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and also with that joke, I get to spot every Audi driver in the room.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52I can just see...the pissed expression on your face there.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54All right, no need to be like that about it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58I've done well for meself, it's a very reliable machine.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And the fact that I can tell you're an Audi driver by the expression on
0:02:01 > 0:02:02your face means, technically,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04you've just given a form of indication.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06So well done! Good for you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10I knew you could do it.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Yeah. I have two kids...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I have two boys, one is...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20One is nearly seven, the other is five.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22And it's great! It's great having kids.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24It does put stress on the relationship, I have to admit.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27And you can tell that the stress has been placed on the relationship -
0:02:27 > 0:02:29it's how you greet each other in the morning.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32That's a real measure of how you're getting on as a couple.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I remember before we had kids, I'd say things to my wife in the
0:02:34 > 0:02:36morning, first thing out of my mouth would be something like,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38"Oh, that was a crazy night last night!"
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Or - "Here she is, Mrs Dances On The Tables!" What are we doing today? What are we
0:02:41 > 0:02:43doing today to take on the world together as a team?
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You and me against the world together, my darling?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Something like that. But two years ago,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I remember my wife is coming down the stairs,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52and the first words out of my mouth to this beautiful woman I'm spending
0:02:52 > 0:02:54the rest of my life with were the words, "Oh, good, you're up.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58"Watch him while I have a shit." Where's the love?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Where's the romance in that?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"Watch him while I have a shit."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I think the worst part of that is I could've,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I could've just left something to the imagination.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I could've just said, "Will you just give me a few minutes?"
0:03:11 > 0:03:14But, no, I wanted her to know.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And I wanted her to know I'd been waiting.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I'm not just going in there for a skive, yeah?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Important shitting business is taking place.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Yes, I'm taking the iPad, but nevertheless.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29But having two kids is interesting, it's really...
0:03:29 > 0:03:31It's really fascinating. Because you have one kid first,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33that's usually how it works.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35And the love you feel for that newborn baby,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38that love you feel for that first kid is incredible.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Because when it's newborn, it's a very pure, uncomplicated love,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43because it hasn't learnt to annoy you yet.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45So it's an all-encompassing feeling.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49And you think, "I don't have room in my heart to love anyone else as much
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"as I love this kid." That's what you think.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53You think, "I don't have the capacity as a human being to love
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"anyone else as much as I love this baby.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"I don't have the energy, I just can't do it,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"I couldn't possibly ever love
0:03:59 > 0:04:00"anyone else as much as I love this baby."
0:04:00 > 0:04:04And then you have a second child, and you realise, "You're right!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"It's incredible!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:09It's an incredible thing to learn.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Well, it's just hard to crank up the enthusiasm all over again, isn't it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Look, he's rolling over! Yeah, you know, we've got one that walks.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19That wins.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21That's all there is!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25We have two kids, and two will do, we're stopping at two.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28So I decided, well, we decided, it's been decided!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33It's been decided that I should have a vasectomy.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35So I went to the doctor, because
0:04:35 > 0:04:38let's leave this one to the experts, yeah?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I mean, at DIY, I draw the line at certain things.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I went to the doctor...
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Now, my local GP is a woman.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I've never thought of her as a woman, I just think of her as a doctor.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55You know, she's our local GP, that's all she is in my head, right?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Until this day when I went to see her, I said, "We've got two kids,
0:04:58 > 0:04:59"as you know, we don't want any more,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01"so I'd like to have a vasectomy."
0:05:01 > 0:05:03And she stops me and goes, "I can't talk to you about this on your own.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"I need to discuss this with your wife as well,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"because this affects her too."
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And I'm like, "But they're my balls!"
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And I realise how high-pitched that came out.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It does rob me of some of the authority I'm trying to convey,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19but they're my balls!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22And she just gives me this condescending, doctor-y look, like,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"We get a lot of men in here thinking it's their balls.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33"You are merely the keeper of the balls.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38"I need to discuss this with the owner of the balls.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"As the leaseholder,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"if you wish to make any structural changes to the property,
0:05:45 > 0:05:49"you will need the permission of the freeholder.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"If you could have her come down at her earliest convenience, please."
0:05:52 > 0:05:54So I go home, tell my wife the news.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56The following week, we go down to the doctor together.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Now since the kids, we don't get out
0:05:58 > 0:06:00of the house together very often any more,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02so we neck a bottle of red wine and call it date night.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07We go to the doctor, and it's like they don't want to do it!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10It's like... I understand they have to make sure that you're a candidate
0:06:10 > 0:06:12for surgery, but the questions they ask!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14First of all, she says, "Have you really thought about this?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Which I think is the dumbest
0:06:16 > 0:06:17question I've ever been asked in my life.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Have we thought about it? "No, we were passing.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"We were passing and we heard that you do operations for free,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"and we love a bargain, so here we are.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30"We rolled dice to decide what was happening, double one,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"I'm having a vasectomy, that's just how it came up.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36"Which is a shame, because she has a rash that really needs looking at,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39"but she didn't get the six and the one she needs. Rules are rules."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Have we thought about it?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"No! I woke up this morning and went, 'Me balls don't hurt.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"'How do I remedy the situation?'"
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Yes, we thought about it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Then she says, "Are you sure you don't want any more children?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And the two of us are quick as lightning,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"We've never been more sure of anything in our entire lives."
0:06:57 > 0:07:00We've barely said a civil word to each other in about six years.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01But it makes you think,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04what did you think we were answering in the first question?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"Have you thought about this?" "Yes, we have."
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"Are you sure you don't want to have any more children?"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"Oh, that didn't come up. I thought we'd examined...
0:07:10 > 0:07:12"I thought we were thinking about it,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"but it turns out that means we can't have any more kids!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"We did not cover that when we were thinking about it."
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Then she says, "Have you considered other forms of contraception?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Which we have. Obviously there's the pill, which as you get older,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29there's more health risks involved, particularly if you're a bloke.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34There's condoms! Condoms, excellent form of contraception!
0:07:34 > 0:07:35If you're out there, you're on the
0:07:35 > 0:07:37scene, use condoms, they're fine things.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But they're more of a young person's game.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42It's all well and good when you're young.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- You over there at the end, what age are you?- 24.- You're 24.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- What's your name?- Ben.- Ben? Ben, 24.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51See, condoms, not a problem for the likes of you, Ben.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Because, Ben, there's a difference between you and I.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You're 24, I'm 45, and the main difference between you and I?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00It's our erections. You know? LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Our erections, they're not the same.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04And the main difference in our erections? It's very simple, Ben.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Ben, your erection will wait while
0:08:06 > 0:08:08you go and get a condom, won't it, Ben? Yeah, yeah.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I envy you, Ben.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:18You can just stop, you can go to the drawer,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21and he's waiting for you when you get back! He's like,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23"Yeah. Evening."
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Just think, you don't have to keep
0:08:26 > 0:08:29tending to it while you're away, do you?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35You don't have to keep grinding it
0:08:35 > 0:08:37into the mattress just to keep it alive!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39None of that for you, Ben, none of that! Envy you.
0:08:39 > 0:08:4224-year-old erection just needs to know it's all still happening.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It's just like, "We're still doing it, though, right?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"We're still doing it? OK, I'll wait, you do what you have to do.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51"Eyes on the prize." "Eye on the prize?"
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Your cock's cracking jokes now, Ben.
0:08:55 > 0:08:5924-year-old erection will wait while you go to the shops to buy condoms!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I remember that like it was yesterday.
0:09:08 > 0:09:1045-year-old erection's not the same, Ben.
0:09:10 > 0:09:1345-year-old erection is a far more unreliable beast.
0:09:14 > 0:09:1745-year-old erection's like, "Why have we stopped?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22"I didn't want to do this in the first place.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"You convinced me it was a good idea, and now,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"just as I'm getting into me stride, we've stopped.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"You better give me a good reason, otherwise I'm going back to me nap.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"You are losing me. Hitting me isn't going to help!"
0:09:36 > 0:09:38So condoms, not so much.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41And then of course, there's withdrawal!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Which is not the most reliable form of contraception...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46..as my second son is a testament to.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52But it is the most, shall we say...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54..cinematic?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58It's quite a beautiful thing, isn't it?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Quite a beautiful thing, withdrawal. But again, a young person's game.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It's all well and good in your 20s, or even your 30s,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07to be lobbing ropes all over the bedroom, but...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10But when you're 45 and your wife is 45,
0:10:10 > 0:10:14it's just unseemly now, isn't it?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17You can't go spraying your business all over her,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20that's the mother of your children, for God's sake!
0:10:20 > 0:10:25Have some manners! Have some respect!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29You can't go blurting your muck all over those things!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33The children were eating out of those just a few short years ago!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35What are you doing, man?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39That's not what they're for any more!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41It's inappropriate!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45You wouldn't go chucking it into his Fireman Sam cup, would you?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48No, exactly! Exactly!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I didn't say all of this to the doctor, can I just clarify?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I just said, "Yes, we have considered
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"other forms of contraception."
0:11:00 > 0:11:02And then she says to my wife,
0:11:02 > 0:11:03"Well, you're going to be going
0:11:03 > 0:11:05"through the menopause soon anyway..."
0:11:05 > 0:11:07So I just hid.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11If that was a man who'd said that,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13he'd have been dead before he hit the floor.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16She says, "You're going to be going through the menopause soon anyway,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18"so you'll want to be fitted with an IUD."
0:11:18 > 0:11:22And I'm like, "A roadside bomb? What on earth?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"How hard do you think the menopause is going to hit my wife?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"And just what kind of military-grade jizz
0:11:31 > 0:11:32"do you think I'm chucking her way?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"That she needs to build some sort
0:11:34 > 0:11:37of womb-based insurgency to fight it?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:39So in the end, it just didn't happen.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40We didn't... Unless my wife was
0:11:40 > 0:11:42prepared to try the coil for a few months,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44they just weren't going to do it.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47And my wife didn't fancy the idea of the coil. I liked the idea!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I liked the idea of her having like a device inside her that fought me.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53It was a wee bit like banging the Terminator, you know?
0:11:53 > 0:11:54As a sci-fi nerd, it appealed to me.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Honey, when I pull your hair, say, "Hasta la vista, baby!"
0:11:57 > 0:11:59She wasn't into it.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01So in the end, yeah, I'm still intact,
0:12:01 > 0:12:02which is probably just as well,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05because to be honest with you, folks, 45...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07You know, having a vasectomy now,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09it's a bit like buying an exercise bike.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You tell yourself you're going to use it all the time...
0:12:14 > 0:12:15..but be honest...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19..you're just going to end up hanging your washing on it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Folks, are we ready for our first act?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Ladies and gentlemen, I have had the pleasure of working
0:12:30 > 0:12:33with this comedian quite a few times over the last couple of years,
0:12:33 > 0:12:34and she always makes me howl.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Will you please put your hands together, welcome to the stage
0:12:37 > 0:12:39the very funny Angela Barnes!
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Hello, Apollo! How are you doing, are you all right?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54AUDIENCE CHEER Good, what lovely people you are!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I must start with an apology.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Right, I get to do Live At The Apollo, and listen to my voice,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I sound like a teenage boy. I've got a really croaky...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I know it's bad at the moment, my voice, right?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Because when you've got a croaky voice, people who work in call
0:13:06 > 0:13:09centres, they will use it to try to get you onside.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11But I got a cold call this morning.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12She said, hello, is that Miss Barnes?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I said, "Yes, speaking." She's like, "Miss Barnes,
0:13:15 > 0:13:16"you sound like you've got a terrible cold."
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I said, "Really? You sound like you
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"got a third in media studies from Luton, what do you want?"
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I do have a boyfriend, we've been together for three years.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Some people find it very easy to find a partner,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31some people go from one to the next, to the next...
0:13:31 > 0:13:35No bother at all. You know, I never found it that easy.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Did you know even Oscar Pistorius, while under house arrest,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41managed to get himself a new girlfriend?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER
0:13:44 > 0:13:46She must've been shitting herself!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Largely because it was safer than using the bathroom.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:56 > 0:13:58No, the only time it's been tricky, really, is when we're trying
0:13:58 > 0:14:00to decide where to go on holiday together,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02because I'm a bit of a history geek, you know?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I like places with museums or a monastery or something, you know.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07He said these words to me.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Oh, we should go on a survival holiday!"
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"Make your mind up, mate, are we surviving or are we on holiday?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:19That's... Survival holiday? That's an oxymoron, isn't it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22It's like fun run.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Or Fox News.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Satire, you're welcome.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34No, we have been on holiday together.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37We went to New Zealand together last year, that was nice.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Have you been to New Zealand? Oh, it's beautiful!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Beautiful country, like, the most stunning scenery!
0:14:43 > 0:14:47But it has to be, because it is bloody miles away from everywhere.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Like, it is even miles away from Australia.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Like, if the place looked like Swindon, it'd be deserted!
0:14:53 > 0:14:5626 hours it takes to get there!
0:14:56 > 0:14:5926 hours! I've had relationships shorter than that.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Oh, and you may or may not know this, ladies and gentlemen,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05apparently Lord Of The Rings was filmed there,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09because they never bloody mention it!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Everywhere you go! You fly in to Wellington Airport,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15it literally says, "Welcome to Middle Earth"!
0:15:15 > 0:15:19You're greeted by Gandalf in arrivals, he's there.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22You've got all the creatures swooping down over your head.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25It's like, I get it, you had a good film franchise!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28You know, we had Carry On films, you don't walk through Heathrow
0:15:28 > 0:15:31underneath Barbara Windsor's tits, do you? Calm down!
0:15:31 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:39We want the same things from life, we do. Like we don't want kids.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Right, now people think that when you say you don't want kids,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44it's because you hate kids. And I don't hate kids,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I just don't trust me to keep one alive, different thing!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50People can't get their heads around me not wanting children.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53They really can't get their heads around it at all.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54I went to see my doctor a couple of
0:15:54 > 0:15:56years ago about something completely unrelated.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And he said to me, "You do know, Angela, you do know
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"if you were to have a child now,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03"you'd be what we call a geriatric mother?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:07He's dead now, so...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09He said to me, "Why don't you get some eggs frozen?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:12He said, "Why don't you freeze some eggs, and if you change your mind,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"they're there, you can use them?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16And I thought about it, I really thought about it.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18And then I thought, "Do you know what?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"Every time I've frozen something...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"..it's gone a bit shit, right?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27"Do I want my children to be the human equivalent of a ready meal?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:31What about when little Findus and Sara Lee go off to school?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34When they get taught about the birds and the bees,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37they're going to get taken into a separate room and get told,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"Your mum went to Iceland." No!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45I find it weird that people think it's OK to ask you about your
0:16:45 > 0:16:49reproductive choices. It's a private question, isn't it?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It's like asking about your sex life, essentially.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And also, I'm 40, and I don't have any children.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57There could be a really awkward or upsetting answer to that question,
0:16:57 > 0:17:01couldn't there? Why would you ask anyone a question that could have an
0:17:01 > 0:17:03awkward or upsetting answer?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06You wouldn't ask someone why they're bald, would you?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09You wouldn't ask a couple from Norfolk how they're related.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Like...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Why does that question seem to be small talk?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I want to make it awkward when they ask me.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I want to say to them, "Oh, I had a baby, but I ate it."
0:17:26 > 0:17:29There are loads of reasons for not having kids, and people can't...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31People get angry with me, so angry!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Because I don't want to have...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Often the people who get most angry with me for not wanting to have
0:17:36 > 0:17:40children are the same people that are angry about high levels
0:17:40 > 0:17:42of immigration in this country.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Well, are we full up or not? Pick a team!
0:17:45 > 0:17:50Right? Last year, Katie Hopkins wrote an article in the Daily Mail
0:17:50 > 0:17:53in which she said that childless women were odd
0:17:53 > 0:17:55and lacked a human connection.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02Katie Hopkins thinks that I lack a human connection!
0:18:02 > 0:18:07That is like being called racist by also Katie Hopkins!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11It's madness! Right?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I don't know where it came from, this idea that compassion belongs
0:18:18 > 0:18:20to parents and not the rest of us.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22You know, it's weird. Some compassionate people have children,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25some don't. Some not very compassionate people have children,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27some don't. Piers Morgan has children.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29End of argument!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I see my friends with kids, and I feel for them, it's a hard job!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40It's really tough, I've got friends now with teenagers.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Oh, my God, that is hard. I've got a friend who's got a teenage son,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45he's the laziest thing I've ever seen in my life.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Like, for his birthday, she bought him one of those pedometers?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50You know, that measures how many steps you do in a today?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52She bought him one you wear on your wrist.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54He's a teenage boy, you're going to
0:18:54 > 0:18:57get a false reading there, love, think about it!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Loads of reasons for not having kids.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Here's one of mine right now. Ladies in the room, you can vouch for this.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09As women, we get our bits looked at all the time.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Right, all the time, nurses, gynaecologists, fuck it,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I'll let the window cleaner have a look, right?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Everyone! Now every time a nurse or a gynaecologist
0:19:18 > 0:19:22has had a look at my bits, they have told me,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26and I quote, that I have a lovely cervix.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER Thank you.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I grew it myself, thank you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Now I don't know what that means!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39But I do know that in my life, I have been told my cervix
0:19:39 > 0:19:43is lovely way more than I've been told my face is.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48I am buggered if I'm going to ruin the most complimented part
0:19:48 > 0:19:52of my body by just shoving a baby through it!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I am literally beautiful on the inside!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57And that's the way I want it to stay.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely delightful!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I've been Angela Barnes, thank you very much, good night!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Angela Barnes, ladies and gentlemen!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Folks, are we ready for one more act? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:19We have a very fine comedian for you now.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Please put your hands together and welcome to the stage
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Mr Geoff Norcott!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Thank you. Thanks so much. Thank you.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Thank you, it's an honour to be here.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Man, I grew up around here, playing this gig is an honour, man.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Thank you, thanks very much for having me.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Yeah. South-west London boy in the house.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I'm going away on holiday with my wife soon.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Going away with my wife, she does this thing, right?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53If you get her in an airport, I'm not allowed to have my own passport.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I'm a 40-year-old man, I get to passport control, they say,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"You got your passport, mate?"
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"I'm like, no! I'm not allowed to carry it!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"Because apparently I'm not mature enough!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I don't know what happens, man. The moment you get her near an airport,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13she becomes like some sort of Russian people trafficker,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16do you know what I mean?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19She's like, "I must have all the passports!
0:21:19 > 0:21:24"You, you cannot handle passport, you are too stupid for passport.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28"I must keep all passports in zippy, clear travel document folder, eh?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34"Alongside printout from Tripadvisor.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"But you may carry the bags."
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I'm like a peasant boy for the day.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"Oh, thank you, master, thank you very much!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"Yes, it's a real honour for me to carry your bags, you know?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"11 pair of shoes for three-day mini-break is a good idea, eh?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53"Yes! Maybe you will become a centipede
0:21:53 > 0:21:55"while we are in Egypt, who knows?"
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I went on a stag do recently, I went to the Munich Beer Festival.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Has anybody here been to the Munich Beer Fest?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09CHEERING Seemingly everybody.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12How many days did you go for, mate? No days.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Got deported on arrival.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18We went for seven days. We got there on a Monday, right?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21We had six straight days drinking, Monday through Saturday.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24And on Sunday, we said, "We've got to do something different."
0:22:24 > 0:22:27So we went to Dachau Concentration Camp.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It was a weird shout, there's no getting away from it.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Could've gone go-karting.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I said, "No, let's do some World War II here."
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It took a long time to get there, and when we got there, it was shut.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Now... Yeah, it felt inconvenient.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49However...given the wider backdrop of historical suffering,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I didn't necessarily think that my inconvenience was that big a deal.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54So I just thought, "I'll take it on the chin."
0:22:54 > 0:22:56But we had a mate with us called Tim
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and Tim started popping off at the German security guard.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02He said, "Mate, it's a Sunday, yeah? It's a big tourist day.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05"It's outrageous that it's shut."
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I said, "To be fair, it's outrageous that it was ever open,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11"you know what I mean?" LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:14APPLAUSE
0:23:15 > 0:23:19It is weird that you are making this about you, Tim, to be honest.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23People say dumb things, don't they?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I was having a beer with my mate Wayne the other day.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29And Wayne... Wayne likes to tell you where he was on the occasion of big
0:23:29 > 0:23:32historical news events that happened within our lifetime, all right?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35So I mentioned 9/11, and Wayne went,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"9/11. Remember where I was that day."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I was like, "Don't care, don't care where you were,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"I don't see how it's relevant.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"I don't see how your whereabouts on that fateful,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"terrible day will form some sort of meaningful historical footnote,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Wayne, I'm being honest here."
0:23:50 > 0:23:54He looked hurt, he went... I went, "All right, where were you?"
0:23:54 > 0:23:56He went, "Karate." I went, "See,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58"that...that's exactly the sort of
0:23:58 > 0:24:02"trivial shit I was worried about, Wayne."
0:24:02 > 0:24:05He said, "Well, you know, I was in New York six months before that.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"Makes you think, doesn't it?" I was like, "No! No!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"To be honest, all it makes me think is I wish you'd been there six
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"months later! I'm sorry.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"I call it as I see it."
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I voted Conservative at the last few elections.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Have we got any other Tories in?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23A FEW CHEERS
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Seems demographically unlikely, but let's go with it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:293,500 people, seven Tories.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31All right, let's go with that.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I mean, voting Conservative's like
0:24:33 > 0:24:34buying a James Blunt album, isn't it?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Like... You know for a fact millions of other people have done it,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40but, weirdly, you never meet them. That's strange, isn't it?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And look, I respect whatever your politics are. Let's be honest,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45British democracy's often about a
0:24:45 > 0:24:47choice between the least shit of two options.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49It's like you're going to get waterboarded,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52but you get a choice between sparkling or still.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54That is essentially it, that's it!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56That's all you're getting.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03You know... People say all the Tories are selfish and heartless.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06You know, maybe some are... Look, I sympathise with young people.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08The situation with housing, man.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It's created this weird situation
0:25:10 > 0:25:13where young people live at home forever, all right?
0:25:13 > 0:25:14It's weird. They live at home,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16they're not really part of the family, are they?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18They don't eat with the family ever, like, "No, Dad, no,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"Dad, I don't want to eat with you, Dad, I'm going upstairs again...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"Dad, Dad, is it all right if Claire stays?"
0:25:23 > 0:25:27"Well, you know, she's your wife and you're 35.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"You can take the dogs and the twins with you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"He's never leaving, Shirley, is he?
0:25:32 > 0:25:36"I told you we shouldn't have built the extension."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Because you forget, man...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Forget left, right, Brexit, Remain, Leave, whatever.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43The next big conflict in this country's generational,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I swear to God. There is going to be
0:25:45 > 0:25:48a civil war between young people and old people.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51And it'll be a very weird-looking war, I'll give you that.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55You know, because young people like to get up very late, don't they?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58And old people like to go to bed very early, so like...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00War will only be possible between
0:26:00 > 0:26:03the hours of two and four in the afternoon, they'll just...
0:26:03 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:07 > 0:26:11The moment Judge Rinder finishes... Right, son, let's do this.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Hang on, Countdown's starting,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I'll see you tomorrow, Grandad. There's something we both enjoy.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20But, like, I grew up on a council estate, right?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23That's what makes it weird that I vote Conservative,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I grew up on a council estate,
0:26:25 > 0:26:26my dad was a big trade union man,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29so growing up I was sort of like a political Billy Elliot.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Do you know what I mean? I had to conceal my true identity,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36hiding the Telegraph inside a copy of Razzle, you know, I was...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You have no idea how hard it was for me.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43But my dad, in a way, like, he formed my view
0:26:43 > 0:26:46on, like, personal responsibility, because my dad,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49both my parents were disabled, but my dad, he had one arm, right,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51bless him, it was before the age of decent prosthetics
0:26:51 > 0:26:54and the only thing the arm could do was it had a thumb that could
0:26:54 > 0:26:56clamp down like that, I don't really
0:26:56 > 0:26:59know what that facilitates in the long run.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Maybe you could parade a single business card
0:27:02 > 0:27:03around a room full of people.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It's amazing what you can do with technology now.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11He had to put his arm in for servicing as well, genuinely.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14One time they got the arm back to him and they'd messed up
0:27:14 > 0:27:17the spring, so the thumb was now permanently in this position.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22It's very difficult to express your displeasure in life
0:27:22 > 0:27:23when you have this going on.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29He couldn't even complain to the people who had done it.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"I'm not happy. No, sir."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Just two emoticons available in those days.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41But he like...
0:27:41 > 0:27:45He didn't see himself as disabled, that was the phenomenal thing,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47he never claimed disability benefit either.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Me and my sister, one day we said, "Why is that, Dad?"
0:27:49 > 0:27:51He said, "Well, I can walk, can't I?"
0:27:51 > 0:27:54We're like, "That's not the only criteria." You know what I mean?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58You should have seen him. The first time he watched a Paralympics,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00he was furious the whole time. He was like, "What's wrong with him?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03"What's wrong with them? What's wrong with them?" LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"OCD?! Oh, yeah, that actually alters synchronised swimming,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08"this is bullshit! That's what this is.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"You only need one arm for javelin anyway, I'll say that much."
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Like waving his one remaining fist at anybody who wasn't just a torso.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Ladies and gentlemen, this is a privilege, to do this gig,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27it has been a privilege to play to you, I'm Geoff Norcott,
0:28:27 > 0:28:29thank you very much. Thank you.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Geoff Norcott, ladies and gentlemen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Let's hear it one more time for Angela Barnes!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And for Geoff Norcott!
0:28:43 > 0:28:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Ed Byrne, you've been watching Live At The Apollo.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Thank you very much, good night!
0:28:49 > 0:28:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE