0:00:19 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Al Murray, the Pub Landlord!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Whoa!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Yeah!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Come on, come and shake my hand!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Shake my hand...
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Come and shake my hand.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Shake my hand!
0:00:45 > 0:00:51God bless ya! Fantastic. Whoa!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Yes! CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Let's hear it for the beer! CHEERING
0:00:58 > 0:01:00All hail to the ale! CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And welcome the wine for the ladies. Good evening. Eh?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Look at you, beautiful British audience of beautiful British people.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Look at this front row, does it get any better than this, hey?
0:01:10 > 0:01:15The lad on the end with the training shoes, and a hoodie top on there. What's your name, son?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Doug.- Doug, beautiful British name.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22So what do you do, Doug, post offices, mainly? Get it?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Is this your missus, Doug? Congratulations, mate.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33May I say... What's your name, darling?
0:01:33 > 0:01:38- Sarah.- Beautiful British name, Doug and Sarah, that's respectable, innit? That's normal, innit? Doug
0:01:38 > 0:01:42and Sarah invite you over for cheesy dippers.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Sunday afternoon cheesy dippers, Doug and Sarah.
0:01:47 > 0:01:53May I say, right now, mate, you are batting well above your average there, sir. If only... If only...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56If only you played cricket for England, my friend.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02Imagine! Tell me, Sarah, what do you do for a living, darling? Bearing in mind the correct answer for a woman
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- is of course, secretarial nurse. What d'you do, my love?- Research.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Research?
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Secretary, good girl. Fantastic.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Look at these Herberts on the end in their suits, eh?
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- Fantastic! In the purple, what's your name, squire?- James.- James?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23IN POSH VOICE: Bloody marvellous, James! Ja-a-a-a-ames!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26How are you, all right, Ja-a-a-a-ames?!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29But you can call me the J-Star!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- What you do, James, for a living, squire?- Investment manager.
0:02:32 > 0:02:38Investment manager! Bloody fantastic! One day, I'm gonna give it all up
0:02:38 > 0:02:43and set up a juice bar, it's gonna be bloody brilliant. Ya!
0:02:43 > 0:02:47It's Daddy's bank, I don't know what we're doing.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49This your best mate sat with you?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- Partner, actually.- Partner. Oh, right. Oh, bloody hell, that's my bloody partner!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You should... By that, what d'you mean, exactly?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59APPLAUSE
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I mean, purple shirt and a partner, you're giving yourself clues here, aren't you, James?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Public school? Mmm? Yeah?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Is that why it costs extra? What's your name, pal?- Dan.- Dan.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15James and Da-a-a-a-an!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18James and Dan's groovy investment shop, we're out of business now.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20The market's collapsed. Now, the point is this...
0:03:23 > 0:03:29- Nice to meet you, Danny, what's your job title, Danny? Tell us.- I'm a tax accountant.- Tax accountant!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34They say that ignorance leads to hatred, don't they?
0:03:34 > 0:03:39Well, on this occasion, it's knowledge. Now we know what you do, we don't like you, do we, pal?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Who here likes paying tax...? No-one! Think again, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Think again. Income tax was invented for one thing. Back in the 1790s,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53it was invented to pay for a war against the French. Yeah.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57You see, you like it now, don't ya?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01It's worth still paying. How about another war with the French, hey?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Shut down a few universities, start the long-range shelling of Lyons.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Now...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10There's a whole five... Look at this, five women.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14That's fantastic, that's an entire week's worth.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
0:04:16 > 0:04:21Friday. Look at this, fantastic! Monday, what's your name, darling?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER What's your name, my sweet?
0:04:24 > 0:04:29- Amy.- Amy, beautiful British name, comes from the ancient Celtic name meaning "loose," of course.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You didn't know that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35What do you do, Ames?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Investment management. - Investment management? Woo!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Secretary, with a copy of The Economist. Sat next to you...
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- Tuesday, what's your name, love? - Louise.- Loui-i-i-ise!
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Beautiful British name meaning, "born on a council estate." Yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57You can hear it now, can't you? The bloke stood next to the burning car.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"Come back, Louise!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04"I don't care about the other bloke's baby!" Now, tell me...
0:05:04 > 0:05:08LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Some people will do anything to get a flat. Tell me, Louise...
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- ..what you do for a living, darling? - I'm an office manager. - Office manager.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Secretary. Yeah.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24Stop mucking about! Wednesday, what's your name, love?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Jen.- Jen. Beautiful British name. What d'you do, Jen?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28- PA.- PA.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Yeah, secretary. Yeah... Just cos it takes less typing!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35All you've proved there is you're a lazy secretary,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38who doesn't know how to spell secretary, just goes...
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Hello... Huh?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45PA... Hu-huh! What?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Is that you, Louise? LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Thursday, what's your name, love? - Jane.- Jane,
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- beautiful British name, what do you do, Jane?- I'm a document controller.
0:05:56 > 0:06:02A document controller! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:04A secretary!
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Or nowadays, in broken Britain, a nurse. Yeah, exactly, they're too busy filing, aren't they,
0:06:11 > 0:06:16- to take care of any patients in broken Britain? On the end, Friday, what's your name, love?- Elizabeth.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Eh?- Elizabeth.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Elizabeth! Ooh! That's more like it. Elizabeth!
0:06:22 > 0:06:27Hey, we've worked our way up, haven't we? All the way up. From the gutter, let's face it!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Let's not muck about 'ere. And what do you do, Lizzie?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Betty. What d'you do, Liza? What d'you do, Elizabeth?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- What d'you do, sweets? - Document controller.
0:06:36 > 0:06:42A document controller? Consider your answer again, bearing in mind the four previous wrong answers.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46What d'you do for a living, Elizabeth?
0:06:46 > 0:06:51You're a secretary? Good girl, fantastic. How about that, hey?
0:06:51 > 0:06:58Good girl. Eh, it's such a privilege, we've got one of the big stars on one of the biggest shows on TV,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02from Strictly Come Dancing, it's Brendan Cole, ladies and gentlemen! How about that, eh?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:16 > 0:07:21It's easy, innit? It's easy. You're from New Zealand, of course, aren't you?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24He's from New Zealand, how about that? He's from New Zealand.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29He had to leave, of course, he didn't fit in with the other orcs. Now...
0:07:29 > 0:07:34"Mr Frodo, my sword is turning pink, I think there's a ballroom dancer coming!"
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Now, the point is... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:45You're beautiful people, this is a beautiful country. Great Britain, greatest country in the world!
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Inhabited by the most sensible, normal, down-to-earth people.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52But it's currently broken.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56And I think we can fix broken Britain with a couple of simple measures.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Dead simple, what we need to do...RIGHT NOW...
0:07:59 > 0:08:05in Great Britain is bring back shame. Yep. We live in a shameless age.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09We've got schoolchildren dressed as hookers...
0:08:09 > 0:08:12and hookers dressed as schoolchildren! Hey?
0:08:13 > 0:08:19We don't know whether to carry sweets or money, it's a nightmare. Now, the point is...
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Desperate times, desperate measures! The point is,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27we need to bring back shame. I mean, look at these two.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28"What?
0:08:28 > 0:08:33"Does he mean me, Danny?" Yeah! In the city there, ripping us off,
0:08:33 > 0:08:38sucking money out of the Government's already empty bloody buckets.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43"Oh, bloody brilliant. Fantastic! I hope he doesn't have a go." Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48I reckon if we were to raise our shaming fingers of shame right now, together, all together,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52and say, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards..."
0:08:52 > 0:08:59If we, the decent, ordinary sensible people of Great Britain, the normal people of Great Britain,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03not you, Craig Revel Horwood, you're not in this bit. If we, the normal...
0:09:03 > 0:09:08people of Great Britain, were to raise our fingers and say, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards,"
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- then maybe we could start to turn Great Britain round. You up for this? - Yeah!
0:09:12 > 0:09:17Raise your shaming fingers of shame, everybody. All raise your fingers... Yeah, not you two.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Raise the shaming fingers of shame. Altogether, "Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards!"
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Here we go, one, two, three...
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards!
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Shame on you, you leaching bloody bastards!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38How about that? Give yourselves a round of applause.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Ah!
0:09:42 > 0:09:48- Doesn't that feel good? We need to bring back shame, are we agreed on that?- Yeah.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53And the way we can bring back shame is one simple thing, we need to bring back a sense of consequences
0:09:53 > 0:09:57for our actions. In this world, there are no more consequences for actions.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01And what I'm talking about, if there's no consequences in this life,
0:10:01 > 0:10:07what we need to do is bring back to Britain the simple sense of hell, the idea, if we screw up in this life,
0:10:07 > 0:10:12we will burn in sulphur for all eternity in the next life.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Now, this is quite a tough sell. Right?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17You don't like that idea, do you?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Hear me out, this is a good idea, have we got any Christians present?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I need your assistance. Any Christian people here this evening? Yeah?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26In the pink shirt. What's your name, son?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Josh.- Josh, fantastic!
0:10:28 > 0:10:35- Are you a Christian? - I am.- So you understand the idea of redemption, eternity... Yeah?
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Resurrection? Eternity, in particular. And I do, too. I understand the notion of eternity.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44Cos I went to church on Sunday. And let me tell you this - that service went on forever! Right...
0:10:44 > 0:10:50If it took me an hour to open a bottle of wine, I'd be drummed out of business. The point is this...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56How long does it take to open a packet of crisps? Get on with it!
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Now... The problem with the idea of hell is, no-one's frightened of it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06I'm gonna describe hell for you, and none of you are gonna bat an eyelid, right? Bodies boiling in...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Mouldering in the grave.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11We'll take your soul and boil it in boiling oil for 1,000 millennium.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15After that, two selfish demons, Satan himself, will come along,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18pull out your kidneys and set fire to them on the red hot coals of hell itself.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22After this, another demon will come along, pull out your eyeballs, stick them on a red hot poker,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24burn them on the hot coals of hell, stick them up your arsehole
0:11:24 > 0:11:28and they'll come out of your own mouth with your shit on it. And this will go on forever.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33See, you're not bothered by that, are you? In fact,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35most of you are laughing at it.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39In fact, most of us, being British, are thinking, "Well, come on, then!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42"Call yourself the devil?!"
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And that's the interesting thing about hell, innit?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49When you describe it, when someone describes hell,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52it tells you everything you need to know about that person,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56what he's like and what his people are like. I described hell in a normal British accent,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58which tells you that we the British are stoic,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01tough people, who can take absolutely bloody anything.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05And that's the interesting thing about hell, it tells you about the people telling you about it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Hell, in a French accent, for instance,
0:12:09 > 0:12:14sounds like a recipe. Right? And while ze body's lying down,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16ze worms inside ze flesh will take out ze soul
0:12:16 > 0:12:18and place it in very 'ot oil for a long time!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Zen, once it is tender, two demons come together, remove ze kidneys
0:12:24 > 0:12:27and place zem on ze 'ot coals with white wine vinegar, some sea salt,
0:12:27 > 0:12:32rosemary and cook zem till zey are brown on the outside but still pink in ze middle.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36We take ze eyeballs, place zem on the hot coals, cook until zey are crunchy on ze outside,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39runny in ze middle, on ze hot poker, stick them up ze arse,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43zey come out of the mouth with ze shit on, it is delicieux. Absolutely magnifique!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45APPLAUSE You see?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Perverts!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Perverts, basically. Yeah?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Hell...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Hell, in a Dutch accent, sounds like a pretty good stag do, dunnit?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02MIMICKING DUTCH ACCENT: Hey, and while your body's lying down...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05we'll take you to the hottest place you could imagine.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Imagine the hottest place you can go, yeah? Now go even hotter.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Two demons will come together and rub oil all over your body.
0:13:15 > 0:13:21Two demons together, two demons together at once, and then you'll take out your kidneys.
0:13:21 > 0:13:28Oh, hot kidneys! Place the kidneys in a hot place and cook the kidneys till they're hard,
0:13:28 > 0:13:32until your kidneys are hard, and then take out your eyeballs and stick them in your bum hole,
0:13:32 > 0:13:37and it'll cost you 45 euros... Hey, are we ready?
0:13:37 > 0:13:42Sounds like an agreeable weekend. APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:45There's one group of people...
0:13:45 > 0:13:50who understand hell, of whom I think Great Britain, broken Britain, could learn a lesson.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53This is why I have faith in Gordon Brown. I am talking about
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Her Majesty's loyal and noble subjects - the Scots.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00We've got some Jocks in... Where are you? Show of hands... Fantastic.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04A Scotsman there, a Scotsman up there. The fellow in a Superman shirt... What's your name, son?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Ian. - Ian!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Beautiful. Beautiful British name.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Comes from the ancient Celtic name meaning "subject of the English."
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Tell me, where are you from in Scotland, sir?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- Edinburgh.- So you have a keen understanding of the notion of hell?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Now, the thing is,
0:14:22 > 0:14:28I love you Jocks, you're beautiful people, because you work hard, you play hard, you get stuck in.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Don't ya?- Yeah. - You live your lives to the full.
0:14:30 > 0:14:35The reason for this is Scottish people understand the precise meaning of hell.
0:14:35 > 0:14:41Right, they understand the notion of eternal damnation for one simple reason. Cos hell in a Scottish accent
0:14:41 > 0:14:48is the most terrifying thing you'll ever clap ears on without a shadow of a doubt.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51SCOTTISH ACCENT: And while your body is smouldering in the grave
0:14:51 > 0:14:56and the worms are eating your FLESH, your soul will be taken to a place
0:14:56 > 0:15:02of eternal damnation and burn in boiling oil for a thousand years
0:15:02 > 0:15:07and then...and then... and then...two sulphurous demons, emissaries of Satan himself,
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, will come and they'll pull out your kidneys,
0:15:11 > 0:15:16they'll pull out your kidneys, one by one they'll pull out your kidneys, and then take those
0:15:16 > 0:15:23kidneys and they'll place them on the red-hot coals of hell itself, and burn, burn, BURN those kidneys!
0:15:24 > 0:15:29Burn those kidneys till they're black, and they'll take out your eyeballs. Aye!
0:15:29 > 0:15:34They'll take out your eyeballs. One by one, out come the eyeballs. Pop! Pop
0:15:34 > 0:15:37go the eyeballs and they'll place them on a red-hot poker, and they'll
0:15:37 > 0:15:44take that red-hot poker and your eyeballs and they'll shove it up your tiny, wee, shitting arsehole from
0:15:44 > 0:15:49whence your shite came, and this will go on forever and ever!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I think that...
0:15:52 > 0:15:55pretty much...
0:15:57 > 0:16:00That pretty much explains the Jocks.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Now, we've got a fabulous show for you tonight.
0:16:03 > 0:16:09We've fixed broken Britain. Let's get on with having a laugh. How about that? Eh, ladies and gentlemen?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14We've got a fabulous comedian now. It gives me very great pleasure, and it will give you equal pleasure,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18to welcome to the stage now Miss Shappi Khorsandi!
0:16:18 > 0:16:22MUSIC: "I Don't Feel Like Dancin' " by Scissor Sisters
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Hello!
0:16:34 > 0:16:40- ALL:- Whoo! - Look at you. This is lovely. This is like one of my family weddings.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43But a slightly different colour.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47The Apollo. It makes a difference from the usual gigs I play.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Normally I play the kind of comedy clubs that, when I come on stage, men look at me and go, "Hang on a minute.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53"There's a bird on the stage."
0:16:53 > 0:16:58I have to explain to them some of us get on a stage now without a pole.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03And sometimes I get wolf-whistles, which is lovely.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I never used to get that when I was a bloke.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Well, my name is Shappi, and Shappi isn't my real name.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13It's just a nickname.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14It's short for Shaparak.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I changed it to Shappi when I was 12.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I got sick of being called "Shit- Attack".
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Teachers are so cruel.
0:17:23 > 0:17:30And my mum always used to say to me... STRONG ACCENT: "But you know..." She's foreign.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35"..Shaparak, it means 'butterfly' in Persian."
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I looked up in a Persian dictionary.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39It actually means "moth".
0:17:39 > 0:17:43It's a bit insensitive putting all these lights up around me if I'm honest with you.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48It is. It's like dissing my culture. Do you get me?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51That was me being "street".
0:17:51 > 0:17:54It doesn't suit me, does it, cos I'm quite Blue Peter?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00When you have a really foreign name, you have to shorten it
0:18:00 > 0:18:04so people pronounce it better, so I shortened Shaparak to Shappi.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09I went to school with a guy called Mir Abdul-Barkee, and he shortened his name to Jim.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16I have a cousin called Muhammad, and he's had to change his name to "It Wasn't Me".
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I am from the Middle East. I'm actually Iranian.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27I was born in Iran, and a lot of American people still don't know the difference between
0:18:27 > 0:18:33Iran and Iraq, and I always have to explain to them we're the ones WITH weapons of mass destruction.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45I don't know if I would have turned out a stand-up comedian in Iran cos,
0:18:45 > 0:18:50as you know, the Iranian government advocate free speech,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53but there's no freedom after you've spoken.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58It gets a bit deathy.
0:19:00 > 0:19:08So I came to Britain in the early '80s. We were refugees, long before it became fashionable.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11But my favourite immigrants are Polish people
0:19:11 > 0:19:16because they properly confuse old-fashioned racists.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Have you seen them? They don't know what to do.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22"What do we say? They're immigrants, but they're white!"
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I heard this one bloke go... AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Bloody Poles,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"coming over here, with their work ethic!"
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Which isn't very politically correct, and I am.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I try so hard to be PC. Sometimes I take it too far. I was at a party recently,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40and I said to my friend, "Have you met Steve?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"He's a really nice guy." My friend goes, "Which one's Steve?"
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Steve was the only black guy in the room.
0:19:46 > 0:19:53I found myself going, "Steve, he's over there. He's got blue jeans on, a grey T-shirt, sort of curly hair...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"and a Nigerian accent."
0:19:57 > 0:20:04And once I was performing at a comedy club and there were two black guys in the front row, like you two. But men
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and black.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09You are a man, sir, I'm sorry.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13It's the light. I said to them, "So, how do you two know each other?"
0:20:13 > 0:20:16They looked at each other and went, "We don't."
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Might as well have had "NF" tattooed on my forehead.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24I didn't, it was felt-tip.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I like friendly... A little bit of friendly racism is nice. When I was a little girl
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I used to always used to go to my friend Katie's house.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37And every time her dad opened the door he'd go, "Hello, Shappi, been on holiday?"
0:20:40 > 0:20:44So, em...I have a little boy. I have a baby boy, I'm a mum.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48And I'm looking at you, some of you are so young. I could be your mummy...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50if I lived somewhere rural.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:57Like a lot of women, I got to my 30s and thought, "I've got to have a baby now!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01"While my mum's still young enough to look after it for me."
0:21:01 > 0:21:06And I went to all the antenatal classes. And this woman came up to me, one of the other mums, and goes,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"Oh, how are you planning on losing your baby weight?"
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I was like, "Well, I was just thinking of having the child."
0:21:12 > 0:21:16And she was like, "Oh, I'm going to be a yummy mummy."
0:21:16 > 0:21:20"Yummy mummy" that's just like a middle-class way of saying MILF.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30We had a scan. We knew it was a boy. People said, "Why did you find out the sex of your baby?
0:21:30 > 0:21:35"Didn't you want a surprise?" Well, it's going to be a boy or a girl, d'you know what I mean?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38The only surprise would have been if it was a puppy.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44And there are no puppies in my family.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48There's one goat - it's not a blood relation.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Thank goodness I have a child. It was no fun being a broody Iranian woman.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Every time I said to people, "My body clock's ticking," they'd hit the ground.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08There was all that going on. When I did find out I was pregnant, I was so delighted.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14I thought, "I am going to fill this child's life up with love, hope and understanding."
0:22:14 > 0:22:20My husband's reaction was slightly different. He walked around going, "Woo-hoo! My soldiers worked!"
0:22:20 > 0:22:24"Easy! Easy!" It's not his.
0:22:26 > 0:22:33Oh, the fuss he made when he found out I was cheating on him.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Only child. Can't share.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42My husband's English, from Nottingham, and a lot of people ask me if my husband's Iranian.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47And I go, "Well, he's not, he's English. But he's planning to convert."
0:22:47 > 0:22:51His family are lovely. When they met me, they kept going, "Oh, Shappi's so exotic.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55"She's so exotic." Which means "foreign", but not in a way that we hate.
0:22:55 > 0:23:02And his grandma is especially sweet. When she found out that I was Iranian she goes, "Oh, you're Iranian?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06"What a coincidence. Our next-door neighbours, they're Indian."
0:23:09 > 0:23:14I must go round, compare spices.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I'm actually going on holiday to India next month.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I wanted to know what the weather was going to be like there, so I phoned my bank.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I am bilingual. I speak fluent Persian.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40If you're bilingual, you use your other language to talk about people so they don't understand.
0:23:40 > 0:23:46But we mix our languages so much, we don't realise we're doing it, which defeats the whole object.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50The amount of times I've been out with my mum and she goes...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE "..with the red coat."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE "..fatty."
0:23:59 > 0:24:01So, my mother-in-law asked me, soon after
0:24:01 > 0:24:07my son was born, my mother-in-law asked me, "So, Shappi, are you going to have your son circumcised?"
0:24:07 > 0:24:11And I was like, "Well, not unless he's REALLY naughty."
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I went to a Christian school.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17But this was in the '80s, so they didn't call them
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"Christian schools" then, they just called them "school".
0:24:20 > 0:24:24We used to have nativity plays and I always wanted to play an angel.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28But, as my teachers explained to me, "No, Shit-Attack.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"Little blonde girls are angels.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36"Little brown girls are the whores of Babylon."
0:24:41 > 0:24:46It was all very Christian. In fact, I went to Brownies as well, which is a Christian organisation.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50But my parents sent me cos they thought it was an after-school club for Asian kids.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00My secondary school was very different.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I went to a big state comprehensive, where the motto was... SHE SPEAKS IN LATIN
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Which translates as, "Try not to get stabbed, yeah?"
0:25:10 > 0:25:15It was very difficult, and the boys didn't pay any attention to me until I was about 15 or 16.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19But then only the Asian guys came up to me and went, "What are you?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"What are you?"
0:25:21 > 0:25:24I'm like... POSH ACCENT: "Why, I do believe I'm human."
0:25:24 > 0:25:28"No, no, no, are you Hindu, are you Muslim, are you Sikh, what are you?"
0:25:28 > 0:25:32They were very devout boys. They wanted to check you were the same religion as them
0:25:32 > 0:25:36before they tried to finger you behind the bike shed.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41I grew up in West London, but I lived in Brixton for a long time.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Brixton's brilliant. It's one of those places... CHEERING
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Hey! I love it. You feel like a movie star coming out of Brixton underground station
0:25:49 > 0:25:52because of all of the CCTV cameras.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I just go there for fun on a Sunday in a backless dress and go...
0:25:57 > 0:26:02And there's all these people outside going, "Shappi! Shappi! Over here!" They're not really.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07They are going, "Hash, hash. Crack, crack. Skunk, skunk. Hash, hash."
0:26:07 > 0:26:13And like most Londoners, I ignore drug dealers unless I need something.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I'm kidding, I've only ever taken cocaine once.
0:26:16 > 0:26:22Horrible drug. I ended up walking around this party talking really loudly about myself all night long.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25It had no effect on me at all!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:31But my mother doesn't have that sort of street-smarts about her.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35When she came to visit me in Brixton, she got to my house with an eighth and a receipt.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38The younger generation is very different.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I have a sister and a brother.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45They're twins, and 13 years younger than me cos my mother had a menopause panic.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49My little sister said to me recently, "Isn't that really weird? Cos, like,
0:26:49 > 0:26:55"we're sisters and we both live in London, but I never see you." That's cos of the way you talk!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Different generations... and different dads.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04And my little sister, she thinks she's a bit ghetto, do you get me?
0:27:04 > 0:27:08She comes out with stuff like, "You don't know what it's like on the street."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And I'm like, "It's a bit parky."
0:27:10 > 0:27:13And she's like, "Shap, Shap, don't tell no-one you saw me, yeah?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17"Don't tell no-one you saw me. Cos I got people after me.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21"I got people after me." Yes, Ealing library.
0:27:22 > 0:27:28And just one final thing before I go, my little sister got me on Facebook, cos I was on MySpace.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31And she goes, "No, no, no! You don't want to be on MySpace.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33"You want to be on Facebook."
0:27:33 > 0:27:38So I joined both, but I keep muddling them up and I keep inviting people to come on MyFace.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER
0:27:40 > 0:27:46Still, 80,000 friends... You've been delightful, thank you.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48CHEERING
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Shappi Khorsandi, there, ladies and gentlemen. How about that?!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07We're gonna keep it moving, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11We've a fantastic young man joining us now. Please, build up your applause...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE ..as we welcome to the stage
0:28:14 > 0:28:18my favourite stand-up and yours, it's Mr Russell Kane, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21CHEERING, APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Good evening, Hammersmith! Are you all right? AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:28:36 > 0:28:41I feel like I've been released. It's a day up in London for. I'm from Southend. Any Essex folk?
0:28:41 > 0:28:43CHEERING Loads! Look at all the girls.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47"I'll have a Bacardi Breezer when you're finished, Dave."
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Put me against the skip - show me you love me!"
0:28:52 > 0:28:56That's the thing, everyone in Essex, they won't be taking offence.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01They'll be going, "He's right. We hate ourselves. Hate us, too!" British people bond on a negative.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05I loved watching you lot arrive. I was milling out there.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I wasn't backstage, I was observing you. How you all bond.
0:29:08 > 0:29:14Nearly everyone I bumped into, even if they were having a great night, had a moan about something.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17And our American and Kiwi friends say, "Why do they have to be so negative?"
0:29:17 > 0:29:22You and I both know we get a little buzz that rushes up our spine when we moan.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25We get pleasure from it. It actually makes us feel good.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31A little shot of serotonin goes up when we go, "It's a bit shit, isn't it?" Ding! It's great!
0:29:31 > 0:29:35The smallest unit of British communication resolves in a positive even though it's a negative.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Smallest unit, "How was your day?" "Shit! My day was shit!"
0:29:38 > 0:29:40"Let's go to the pub." Happiness!
0:29:42 > 0:29:45Smallest unit of American communication. "How was your day?"
0:29:45 > 0:29:47"Great! My day was great! Let's go to the bar! After I've had a workout!"
0:29:54 > 0:29:59The further you get down that archetypal British continuum, the more miserable the men are.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03I can see some of them in their room, the white, hard, right-wing, working-class dad.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07My dad's Cockney head is so severe he sprained it when he was giving me a bollocking.
0:30:07 > 0:30:12"Why can't you just be racist?! Why do you have to let the family down?!"
0:30:13 > 0:30:16He can climb the stairs with the traction of it.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19"You better not be reading up there, you freak!"
0:30:21 > 0:30:23And they can't be positive, can they?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26What is it? There'll be guys in the room that grew up with that dad.
0:30:26 > 0:30:30"I want to tell him my love him, but I can't be positive, it's like my trachea just closes up, Julie."
0:30:30 > 0:30:35"Just tell him you're proud of him." "I can't, I want to tell him he's shit and make him stronger!"
0:30:35 > 0:30:38At my age I should be over it, but I'm still looking for it,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41and my mum knew I was coming on stage tonight, she went,
0:30:41 > 0:30:44"Don't do that stuff about your dad not being proud of you.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48"Cos it's not true, he's very proud of you - in private."
0:30:48 > 0:30:50In private!
0:30:50 > 0:30:56What kind of an emotional retard goes into a private chamber to express their pride? Huh?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Look, I've got a degree, I wanted some feedback. "Dad, I've got a degree,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02"I've got a first-class honours in English." "I'll be in the shed."
0:31:04 > 0:31:09He's down there all twisted up, I want to tell him I love him but I can't.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12"What are you doing in there, Dad?" "I'm practising my fighting, leave me alone.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15"You read Penguin Classics, you're probably gay."
0:31:17 > 0:31:19It's the same with how we mate as well.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23It's nice being in a relationship, but British people find it incredibly hard.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26There'll be British people in this room who's in a relationship, loads of you.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29There'll the British people that are single, but there'll be hardly one British couple in the room
0:31:29 > 0:31:33that's on a date, a first date. "Shall we go out for a date?"
0:31:33 > 0:31:34We don't date, do we? It's impossible,
0:31:34 > 0:31:38it involves presenting yourselves as perfect, sober and going,
0:31:38 > 0:31:41"Do you want to mate me? I think you do, right?"
0:31:41 > 0:31:43We wanna present ourselves on that first date warts and all.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46Not warts, that would be... Imagine that on a first date.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50"You might wanna get some liquid nitrogen on that big one."
0:31:51 > 0:31:54"Either that or a hat."
0:31:55 > 0:31:57We don't go on dates. The Kiwis are brilliant,
0:31:57 > 0:32:01they'll go for pizzas, they'll go for coffee, they will meet each other, not us.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04I'm not talking about seedy one-night sex.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08There could be guys in love with a girl, they could be the love of your life,
0:32:08 > 0:32:12but you'll still have to wait until we're hammered enough to present ourselves warts and all, right?
0:32:12 > 0:32:15You'll be at an office party looking at her, you just keep drinking and drinking until you're numb enough
0:32:15 > 0:32:21just to wander over to her and go, "I don't care what it is, I just want to shove something up you."
0:32:24 > 0:32:28And like when I was abroad, I'm not doing that anti-American material, I admired it.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31The American men, wouldn't you kill for a slice of their confidence?
0:32:31 > 0:32:39"If I like a girl, I just ask her out, even if it's lunchtime." What are you doing, you dick?! Eugh!
0:32:39 > 0:32:44These guys...George and Hannah, I was doing something in New York, they'd known each other for two days.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47You know when you see a spark between a couple and it's all cute and everything?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50British people do nothing about it till we're sambuca'ed up and we can get onto it, right?
0:32:50 > 0:32:53"Light mine, I'm going in!"
0:32:53 > 0:32:56And George was like, "I really think Hannah's hot,"
0:32:56 > 0:32:58and I was like, "Yeah, we'll have to wait until we go to a party."
0:32:58 > 0:33:02"No, I'm gonna ask her out right now," and I was like, "What are you doing?!"
0:33:02 > 0:33:06This is what happened, it's New York, it's lunchtime, everyone's sober, George walks over to Hannah and
0:33:06 > 0:33:09went, "Hey, Hannah, do want to go out on a date on Wednesday, maybe get pizza or something?"
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Do you know what she said? Yes!
0:33:11 > 0:33:14She said yes! She said, "Yeah, that'd be swell, let's go do that."
0:33:14 > 0:33:18She didn't say swell, I made that bit up!
0:33:18 > 0:33:22"Let's bring Biff and Scooter and go for malt shakes!"
0:33:23 > 0:33:28Could you imagine if one of these British bulldogs in the front row even tried that approach?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Could you imagine? "It's lunchtime, I'm going to ask out Jackie right now.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33"Sod it, I'm going to do it.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36"Er, Jackie... Jackie...
0:33:36 > 0:33:38"Jackie, do you want to go out for a bit of pizza on Wednesday?"
0:33:38 > 0:33:41"That's a little bit rapey, back off, I'm sorry."
0:33:47 > 0:33:51Isn't it a lovely mixed age range in here? Has anyone else noticed that?
0:33:51 > 0:33:55We got some people sort of 14 to 18, "Do some Harry Potter stuff!"
0:33:55 > 0:33:58Some of the boys going, "If you even mention Hermione, I'll break you in!"
0:33:58 > 0:34:01And then you got some of the older, silver-haired men going, "I don't
0:34:01 > 0:34:06laugh, I only come to comedy to watch other people laugh to see how shallow they are, I've never laughed."
0:34:06 > 0:34:12If I'm too horrible to old people, they're like, "Well, I've only got about a week to live... Wanker!"
0:34:12 > 0:34:17Wouldn't it be great if an old guy took offence and just heckled me by Stannah stairlift?
0:34:17 > 0:34:20Vvvv! "You cocky shit!" Vvvv!
0:34:20 > 0:34:24"I'll put you in my walk-in bath and mess you up!"
0:34:24 > 0:34:27"I'll pelt you with Werthers, how's that for original?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29"Do you want some of that?!"
0:34:35 > 0:34:39My favourite old person is my nan. If I work in London, I stay at my nan's,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42because I used to live there a bit when I wasn't getting on with my dad.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46And like she doesn't mind, she likes to see me flawed and faulty like the rest of us, she looks on with pride.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49What kind of a country where a grandparent looks on with pride seeing that I'm hammered?
0:34:49 > 0:34:53Has anyone ever been drunk enough...and I don't mean done this for a laugh,
0:34:53 > 0:34:58I mean genuinely to feel the pleasure of being in the womb and being lifted to bed in a Stannah stairlift?
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Needed it, just needed it!
0:35:00 > 0:35:02When you're so drunk, it feels so good.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Vvvv!
0:35:04 > 0:35:07To actually need to be carried like...
0:35:07 > 0:35:09And my nan enjoys watching it, she cracks up.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13She gets my granddad Ken out of his disability chair to watch, you know.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15You know granddads, pretending nothing's wrong.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18"There's nothing wrong with me, I'm absolutely fine.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21"I can still drive the D-reg Metro.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25"1,000 miles on the clock, no-one knows how."
0:35:25 > 0:35:30They gather at the bottom of the stairs to watch me on the border of vomit lifting...
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Is there anything more British than two blue-badged disabled pensioners,
0:35:34 > 0:35:36arms linked at the bottom of the stairs,
0:35:36 > 0:35:41looking on with pride as a perfectly healthy British adult lifts himself to bed?
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Vvvv!
0:35:45 > 0:35:47"Look at him, Ken, he's mullered!"
0:35:51 > 0:35:54My dad, I wish my dad was here watching.
0:35:54 > 0:35:59"Never come out of the house, I don't want to be there, I don't like laughter, it makes me feel stupid."
0:35:59 > 0:36:03It's one of those dads, everything was provided, wasn't violent, was a big man.
0:36:03 > 0:36:08There's nothing explicit I can hang the chips on my shoulder on,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11but there'll be women in the audience with men like this, men that just...
0:36:11 > 0:36:15The tiniest thing happens and the whole day, a black cloud comes down.
0:36:15 > 0:36:16"A traffic jam, kick the sat nav off the window!"
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Whole day has gone, that's what my dad was like.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22It was like emotional Kryptonite in my childhood.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26My tenth birthday, my tenth... I'm over it, again, right?
0:36:26 > 0:36:29On my tenth birthday, Pizza Hut, I'd managed to go to Pizza Hut.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33I wanted to go...or any other leading brand of pizza restaurant.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Went out for pizza on my tenth birthday.
0:36:35 > 0:36:40I spilt half a glass of water, half a glass, my mum's like, "Ah!"
0:36:40 > 0:36:44This was my dad's response - "The whole day...is ruined.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46"The whole day! The whole day."
0:36:47 > 0:36:51My dad's a typical British, shaven-headed working... Right?
0:36:51 > 0:36:54The only things that make him happy are being negative and curry.
0:36:55 > 0:37:01That is the British... "I like right-wing views, I like Kilroy, and I like a dhansak, right?"
0:37:01 > 0:37:04And he was obsessed, he spent my whole childhood unhealthily obsessed
0:37:04 > 0:37:08with this restaurant called the Akash in Potters Bar, obsessed with it!
0:37:08 > 0:37:11Whether we wanted to celebrate things there or not, we had to go there.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15Fifth birthday - Akash, Potters Bar. It was a korma, "Break him in," right?
0:37:15 > 0:37:17If my mum got a new cleaning job - Akash, Potters Bar.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19My brother's in a talent competition - Akash, Potters Bar.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Everything was in there, it was the only time I saw him smile.
0:37:22 > 0:37:27The only time I saw him cry... Has anyone never seen their dad cry apart from like once or twice?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Do you know what I mean, when you see the big silver-backed alpha
0:37:30 > 0:37:33just have a tear coming down the black fur on his face?
0:37:36 > 0:37:37And it shocks you.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Ironically, when I was younger, I understood it better.
0:37:40 > 0:37:45I was eight years old, and my nan on the other side of the family, Eva, the Jewish side, right, she died,
0:37:45 > 0:37:48and I came in, and my dad's crying, and although it was shocking to see
0:37:48 > 0:37:52this alpha crying, I could just about get my head around it because his own mother had died.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56And then nothing again, he's back to just being negative,
0:37:56 > 0:37:59I come in from school when I'm 13, and my dad's there, hunched over
0:37:59 > 0:38:02his rudimentary stumps on the breakfast bar like...
0:38:02 > 0:38:06And this is the image I remember, he cried so much
0:38:06 > 0:38:10there was a V of moisture on his blue vest where he'd cried.
0:38:10 > 0:38:15and this is a man who I've never moved to tears with anything I've ever danced, sang, said, joked about.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18I got hit by car and my dad was there, "Don't cry, boy! Don't cry!"
0:38:18 > 0:38:21And he's crying, so can you imagine how shocking it is?
0:38:21 > 0:38:23And I'm like, "Dad, what's happened to move you to tears like this?"
0:38:23 > 0:38:27And this is what he said - "The Akash...has closed."
0:38:36 > 0:38:39I hope I never have daughters, because all my cousins
0:38:39 > 0:38:46are passing through that 11 to 15-year-old age range, and it's depressing how suddenly girls change.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50I know this is a really outmoded view, but if it was my kid, I'd want a son, so at
0:38:50 > 0:38:54least it's a bit gradual until he's 25 and he becomes a man, just carries on and on until he's about 40.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57But with a girl, when they're 11, it's like, "I want to sing and dance for my papa,
0:38:57 > 0:39:04"all I'm interested in is singing and dancing for you, Daddy, I'm your princess, and nobody else is."
0:39:04 > 0:39:0712 years old, "Just about singing and dancing for my papa.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11"Look, my Barbies are arranged in age order, I love you, Daddy!"
0:39:11 > 0:39:1513, first boyfriend, over the park, chlamydia. It's depressing!
0:39:19 > 0:39:22And this is the one that really sticks in my mind.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26It was Christmas, and you know sometimes dads, they're a bit rubbish with toddlers,
0:39:26 > 0:39:28they don't realise to avoid a negative, you need to be positive.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Has anyone got three to five-year-old children?
0:39:31 > 0:39:34It's great, you can decide whether they cry when they injure themselves.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36A toddler can run quite quickly into a table and go...
0:39:36 > 0:39:39And they'll look to you like that.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42As long as you do a dance, they don't cry.
0:39:42 > 0:39:48"It's nothing, it's nothing, it's nothing!" There'll be blood, "It's a magic colour!"
0:39:49 > 0:39:53Do you think my dad could get his head around this system?
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Could he heck! So it's Christmas, my brother's about four,
0:39:55 > 0:39:59I'm about seven, we're opening our Christmas presents, smiling.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03My dad's in his brown Makro dressing gown, just open, glimpse of scrotum through the dressing gown!
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Isn't that disturbing the first time you see it?
0:40:05 > 0:40:10"Look at the sac that made you, you're nothing! You're nothing!"
0:40:11 > 0:40:16We're opening our Christmas presents, right, and we're not seeing my brother's blue
0:40:16 > 0:40:20Burmese kitten, Sophie, that he got a few months earlier for his birthday.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23She'd gone behind the Christmas tree, and she was chewing the wires.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25You know the way that kittens will chew wire?
0:40:25 > 0:40:28And all of a sudden there's, "Eh-eh-boof."
0:40:28 > 0:40:30And the Christmas tree lights have blown, and this little kitten
0:40:30 > 0:40:33has come out, fat tail, fat fur, looks at us, run out of the living
0:40:33 > 0:40:36room, through the kitchen, through the cat-flap and to the bottom of the garden.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39My brother looked straight to my dad...
0:40:39 > 0:40:44This was his response - "They always run off to die, always."
0:40:44 > 0:40:49Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Russell Kane, thank you very much, good night!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51CHEERING
0:40:54 > 0:40:57Top job, mate! Russell Kane there!
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Brilliant.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08You are beautiful, you are beautiful people, yeah.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Beautiful people, I'd like to...just wrap the evening up.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14I just wanna ask you one question, it's a simple question.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Cos we've learnt a great deal this evening, how to fix broken Britain,
0:41:17 > 0:41:22all sorts of things, but one question for you intelligent connoisseurs.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26It's this, what...is the driving force of human nature?
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Any suggestions? Yeah? Tommy Walsh!
0:41:28 > 0:41:31The driving force of human nature?
0:41:31 > 0:41:34- Love. - Love?! Oh, grow up, you twat! No!
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Brendan, what's the driving force of human nature?
0:41:40 > 0:41:42- A penis.- A penis?
0:41:45 > 0:41:47No, it's the thing in front of you, the penis.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Pulling you forward, mate, it's not driving you anywhere.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53You're doing it wrong.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56Now, the point is... No!
0:41:56 > 0:41:59The driving force of human nature, I'm gonna tell you, that's why I brought it up, right...
0:41:59 > 0:42:02The driving force of human nature is necessity.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06Yeah? Necessity. We're greedy when we need to be, yeah?
0:42:06 > 0:42:11We have a beer when we need to, we use our penis when we need to, Brendan Cole, not just all the time.
0:42:15 > 0:42:20Human... Yeah? Human beings are driven by necessity, cos if human beings are just animals,
0:42:20 > 0:42:25like the science lot would have us believe, if we are just animals, which animal are we?
0:42:25 > 0:42:28We're the inventing animal, the animal that creates things, that invents things.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32Necessity is the mother of invention, innit? Yeah?
0:42:32 > 0:42:36And I can prove this to you now with one simple example I want you to take away with you tonight.
0:42:36 > 0:42:41It's this. On July 25th 1909,
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Louis Bleriot
0:42:43 > 0:42:46was the first man to fly - from France! -
0:42:50 > 0:42:54..to England in a monoplane aircraft of his own manufacture.
0:42:54 > 0:42:59And on July 26th 1909, work on the anti-aircraft gun began.
0:42:59 > 0:43:04Because necessity...necessity is the mother of invention.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06You've been fantastic, it's been a pleasure drinking with you tonight.
0:43:06 > 0:43:10You've been watching Live At The Apollo.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13A big thank you to our acts this evening, see you again.
0:43:13 > 0:43:14Please take your glasses back to the bar. Good night, cheers.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22All right, thank you! See you again! God bless!
0:43:35 > 0:43:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:38 > 0:43:40E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk