0:00:02 > 0:00:04MUSIC: "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet
0:00:04 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen...
0:00:20 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Briain!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you?
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Thank you.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50Welcome to another Live At The Apollo. My name is Dara O'Briain.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55We're here for another showcase of some of the finest stand-up talent that the UK has currently working.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Stand-up, as ever, will be a fantastic collections of moments.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04That's what stand-up does best. Those crazy moments that can't be repeated in any other art form.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'll give you an example. I was on tour during the year
0:01:06 > 0:01:09and I was in Derby and there were three guys in the front row.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Guy there, guy there, guy there.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15I spoke to that guy, as you do. "How are you? What's your name?
0:01:15 > 0:01:21"What do you do?" The man explained to me he was a performance analyst for the Nottingham police force.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27One of those ridiculous modern jobs that nobody knows what it means, right? I said, "Really?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I had a bit of a chat, moved on, skipped the guy in the middle
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and went to that guy and said, "What do you do?"
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Your man goes, "I'm a lorry driver
0:01:35 > 0:01:40"but at the weekends I play Robin Hood in a tourist attraction called the Robin Hood Experience."
0:01:40 > 0:01:45So we had a bit of craic at the whole "thwang" element of all of that.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I was about to move on when I thought, "What am I doing?
0:01:47 > 0:01:51"I've got Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham sitting together in the front row."
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I had a bit of a craic with the two of them and then moved on,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57finished the first half and came back for part two.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03I was just starting to do the part-two stuff when the first bloke, the copper bloke, does this, waving.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07No-one waves at you when you're on stage. There's rarely a situation
0:02:07 > 0:02:10where you have to stop the guy telling the jokes, right?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12He waves at me and I went, "What?"
0:02:12 > 0:02:14He points to the guy in the middle,
0:02:14 > 0:02:20the guy I hadn't even spoken to, and goes, "Ask him his name."
0:02:20 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I'm going, "What the...?" I went to the guy and said, "What's your name?"
0:02:26 > 0:02:31And your man kind of gingerly goes, "Er...it's Arthur Merryman."
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Genuinely, without any setting up, I had Robin Hood,
0:02:36 > 0:02:41the Sheriff of Nottingham and the Merry Men sitting in the front row.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Who knows if we'll have anything as glorious. We will possibly be having a chat with you.
0:02:45 > 0:02:51They sprinkle these audiences, for some ludicrous reason, with, in MASSIVE quotation marks, some of you,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"famous faces". MASSIVE in here!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Coming in here bumping your way up a couple of lists. You're not!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Get back down to D. LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:04There's even a local hero here, James DeGale apparently. Where is he?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- Good to have you here, James. James, you're a local, aren't you?- Yeah.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- You're a Hammersmith boy. Have you got the gold medal on you?- No.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13No, good man yourself, that's wise.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16It's a bit tacky, you know what I mean?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Man, you're from Hammersmith, you won a gold medal.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Look at yourself, you're now back in Hammersmith. What a journey!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You're the only boxer who fought his way back into the ghetto.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:34James, you're not even saying anything, you're just eyeing me up for weaknesses, aren't you?
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Anywhere about me will be fine. Are you looking forward to 2012?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Yeah.- Are you gonna win?- Yeah. - Are you gonna win big?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44In many ways, by the way, in the 2012 Olympics,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Ireland are the winners of the 2012 Olympics because we don't have to pay for it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Thanks for that. I'm saying that, but I live down the road and my council tax is as much as anyone's.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58They're paying for the Olympics with council taxes! It'll be held bi-weekly. So...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Who else do we have? Hazel Irvine, how are you?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Where's Aggie, by the way?
0:04:02 > 0:04:07How are you? How clean is your house, Aggie? Is it a tip, I bet it is. You never open your house up, Aggie.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10You probably sit in a room flicking snot at a wall.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Cleanliness, vital, I understand that completely. I've a massive...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'm kind of with you because I know it's a major concern for people,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23just in terms of public health, that stuff be clean, clean, clean...
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Here's my question for you, right. Cos I'm not saying we're cleaning too much but when...when...
0:04:28 > 0:04:34I'll do this melodramatic. WHEN will we ever, Aggie, win the war on bacteria?
0:04:34 > 0:04:39We're up to 99.9% now, according to the ads.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Surely there's only one, small final push that we can eradicate
0:04:42 > 0:04:48that last 0.1% of bacteria which is clogging up our kitchen work surfaces at the moment.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52And I mean the bad bacteria, not the good bacteria, no.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58There's been some sort of propaganda war where we lured bifidus digestivum over to our team.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02What happens if you poured Dettol into a Yakult?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06APPLAUSE
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Is there a massive explosion of bad bacteria and then one good bacteria
0:05:12 > 0:05:17left at the bottom of the pot going, "Thank you for saving me"?
0:05:17 > 0:05:22That whole bacteria stuff is rubbish of the highest order. Any doctors in the room tonight?
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Genuinely cos there's 3,500 people here, there's bound to be a doctor.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Give me a cheer if there's a doctor beside you or if you are a doctor.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33SCATTERED WHOOPS Or, better yet, if you play a doctor in EastEnders.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Somewhere... Hello, how are you, good to have you here?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Why don't we turn to you, right.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I'm on about spraying things and anti-bacterial stuff and 99.9%, which we hear a lot of.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49Real doctors, am I right in saying this, you shouldn't clean every surface in your house, am I right?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Absolutely.- Good to have you here, my fake doctor friend.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Genuinely you shouldn't, for one simple reason, the reason that kids are getting eczema, more asthma.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02You're not supposed to raise your kids in a non-bacteria environment.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05You're supposed to actually let them get sick now and again.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09It's ludicrous... "Jesus, bacteria, don't let the kids into the kitchen!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13"There's bacteria in the kitchen!" Like we haven't evolved with bacteria.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Nonsense. You've got to let them get sick now and again.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21This, by the way, now sounds like the weirdest safety ad or public safety ad in the world.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23You never finish a show like this
0:06:23 > 0:06:29and then I come back on the screen and go, "Well, we've all had a laugh tonight, haven't we?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"But an important point must be made. Is there bacteria in your house?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"Pick up your kid and rub its face in it."
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Kids are supposed to get sick.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43It's one of those things in this country you do a lot of, get people scared about bacteria.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"Don't leave the kids with the bacteria and don't let them
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"out the front door because there are murderers out there."
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"Where do the kids...?" "In the hall. That's where the kids stay."
0:06:52 > 0:06:53"When can I leave the hall?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"When you're 18. Then you can do whatever you want.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00"Until then, OK, you can go to the shops but make sure nobody follows you."
0:07:00 > 0:07:05"I shouldn't have let them do that. I know, I'll follow them." LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:07It makes literally no sense whatsoever,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11that's why there's so much... How many people here are in their teens?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12WHOOPING
0:07:12 > 0:07:15The vast majority. You get a really hard...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17you just get appalling coverage in this country.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21You'd think you were feral, the way the papers went on about you.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Genuinely, you'd think that every young person in Britain
0:07:24 > 0:07:31just walks with a hoodie up and a knife and a phone, taping it, just walking around.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Like some sort of ASBO Dalek of some description,
0:07:34 > 0:07:39lashing out and taping at the same time. "Ha-ha! This'll go on YouTube."
0:07:41 > 0:07:46I think that's incredible harsh on young people. They're good people. Nothing wrong with you, right.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49One difference, right, and one difference I suppose,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53maybe I do agree with the Daily Mail on one small point.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Right... Although unlikely...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58one small point is that one thing is different for young people now.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00What age are you, my friend?
0:08:00 > 0:08:05You're 16 for example. Look at you, fine strong face, proud young man, your whole journey ahead of you.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09One small difference between your generation and previous generations.
0:08:09 > 0:08:15Let's not embarrass you by saying this is about you, let's say it's about people younger, 12, 13, 14.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Kids of that age, thanks to the internet, digital technology and DVDs
0:08:18 > 0:08:24have seen more pornography than any generation in history.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29I'm not, by the way, getting at them for that, I envy them that desperately!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33When I was 14 you have to wait until a guy in your class
0:08:33 > 0:08:38went to England on a family holiday and brought back a magazine.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43The magazine was passed around the room like the Holy Grail,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47like the end of Raiders and you'd look at it and your head would melt.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50That's how exciting it was to you. "Oh, my God!" MIMICS EXPLOSION
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Like a Nazi, right. You'd just... waaahh!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"They're all smooth! Unbelievable!" Right, so...
0:08:57 > 0:09:01They've seen more pornography. Not you, you're 16, you're way past that.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06They've seen more pornography, 12, 13, 14, than any generation in history,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09and this is the scary thing, it's changing sex.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Not like a lizard, sorry. That make it sound like...
0:09:11 > 0:09:17"Hang on, he was a bloke. Wait a minute! That was a guy in the previous scene." No...
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Pornography is changing the physical act of sex, right.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25Sex has kept us going as a species for, what, 10 billion years
0:09:25 > 0:09:29and one generation, thanks to the internet, wumpf, gone, completely different, right.
0:09:29 > 0:09:35I presume, for the sake of argument, that none of you have seen a dirty film in your lives, all right?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38There are three differences between porn and sex.
0:09:38 > 0:09:44One, people don't look like people, they look like weird kind of cartoon homunculi,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47weird things with bits that are bigger and unnaturally large
0:09:47 > 0:09:51and they're just not normal-looking things, right.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53B, they're always really miserable.
0:09:53 > 0:09:59People in pornography are always really angry as if they're getting no fun at all and this is terrible.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02They're always, "Oh, I don't even like you."
0:10:04 > 0:10:09Generally grinding away in a kind of a "this'll teach you, I'm doing this to spite you" kind of a way, right.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15And three, porn ends in a filmic way.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20It doesn't end like sex ends. We all know how sex ends because that's how the species keeps going, right.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25Porn ends in a way, in a kind of a moment, right. A kind of a...tah-dah!
0:10:25 > 0:10:30It's there to show that it actually took place. There's a kind of a "There you go."
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Never with the words, "There you go."
0:10:33 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:38But there's a kind of a "And now, how do you go."
0:10:38 > 0:10:43Listen, if you don't know what I mean, the mime alone, surely you're getting the idea.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51And that's what 12-year-olds, 13, 14 think sex is, and that's gonna change sex.
0:10:51 > 0:10:57Maybe they'll learn or maybe we'll have a genuine problem in about 20 years time when the NHS is just
0:10:57 > 0:11:02crushed under the weight of couples coming in going, "We can't conceive."
0:11:02 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And doctors going, "OK, well, what are you doing?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:11And they're going, "Oh, we do what we've always done,
0:11:11 > 0:11:17"we mush around for a while, get kind of get angry at each other and then I pull out and jizz on her tits."
0:11:17 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I think kids get a really rough deal out of it, generally, whatever,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- but teachers equally. Are there any teachers in the room?- Yeah!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34What age do you teach, by the way? Big, small, little, whatever.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Everything!- Everything.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39What are you, some sort of a guru, do they come to you...
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Do you sit on a mountain top and no matter what age, from two to 65, "I have lessons for you.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49"I can teach you things that no man has ever heard before. Come to me, do you wish to learn?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:55"Well, no, actually I'm a shop delivery man but tell us what you have to say anyway."
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Everything? From four to 11, eight to 12, where?- From four to 18.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02It really is just everything, right. What, do you breeze in...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Are you a member of any staff or do you drop in to kids
0:12:05 > 0:12:11and just go, "Right, quick, she's out the door, lock the door, right. I'm gonna tell you what really happens.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13"All right, this is the situation."
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- Is it right, by the way, that chalk has gone?- Chalk has gone.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- It's interactive dry whiteboards, am I right in saying that?- Yes.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25"That's right, yeah." You're just gonna say "yeah" in the hope that I go away at this stage.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30Yes, teachers I have a sympathy for, simply because one of the great weapons in disciplining children...
0:12:30 > 0:12:36Maybe the Daily Mail's right. Maybe kids have gone wild, for one reason - there's no blackboards.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40How many of you went to school when there was a blackboard with chalk? CHEERING
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Gone...gone in a generation. Interactive, dry whiteboards now.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45They write the whole thing and it appears on the screen.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48That's apparently the way of the future. I see a problem.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52It's very difficult to discipline children using an interactive screen.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Incredibly difficult to do, whereas chalk was magical.
0:12:55 > 0:13:02If a child misbehaved in the class, you just got two dusters and you banged them together.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05A huge cloud would appear between you and the child.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Then you punched them in the face! LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:10APPLAUSE
0:13:13 > 0:13:17And when the dust gathered and when it all settled down
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and you're looking at the child going, "My nose!"
0:13:20 > 0:13:23You just go, "Did the cloud monster get you?"
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"Oh, no!
0:13:27 > 0:13:31"He's very angry. He doesn't like talking in class, the cloud monster, no."
0:13:31 > 0:13:35You will never hear a word from that child again.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39They also don't come in on days when there's fog. But that's kind of a...
0:13:40 > 0:13:44..an unfortunate by-product of it all. So anyway, sorry...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Aggie, hello. Another famous person,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Julia Bradbury from...not Crimewatch, the other one.- Watchdog.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Watchdog, that's it! I wouldn't want to get the wrong one in case you clamped down on me.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Ladies and gentlemen, please, the fantastic work they do.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Fabulous work. Legendary...
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Loving the work, loving the work Watchdog does in hassling small businesspeople.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08There's nothing like it.
0:14:08 > 0:14:14"What are you doing making a profit taking money from old people?" "I, er..." "You're a monster!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:19Do you know what you should give out about? This is a touring comic, and I've travelled around. Psychics...
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- We do!- Do you?- We do. - They're glorious, aren't they?
0:14:22 > 0:14:27They're almost funny. As con artists go, they are the funniest con artists in the countryside.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32By the way, I will say into any camera, if there's any psychics there thinking, "Oh, I'll sue,"
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I'd love to see you sue.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39Could you imagine a court case against a psychic? "Do you have any witnesses?"
0:14:39 > 0:14:41"They're all around."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43How much fun would that be?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"Tell me, my old Uncle Kevin, who no-one can see but I can see,
0:14:46 > 0:14:47"did this woman malign you?"
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"Yes, she did," says the invisible man.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54It would be glorious. If you ever had any idea of going, it's nonsense.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57It's just people standing up going, "John, Julia, James...
0:14:57 > 0:15:02"Gillian, Jo, Joe, Kevin, Mary... whatever, Bob." It's nonsense, right.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08There's a woman who, for legal reasons, I'm not allowed to say what her name is, right.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- Is there a barrister in the room, by the way? Do we have a barrister here? - Yeah.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Sorry, who? You are? What's your name, champ?- Mark.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- Mark, what do you do? - Trainee solicitor.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- So you don't get to appear in court, do you?- No.
0:15:20 > 0:15:26That's the whole fun of it though. That'll be the gas, just appearing, doing the walk in front of the jury.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..." That'd be the real gas of it all. You don't get that?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- No.- Here, let me try your instincts though. Maybe you made the right decision.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40When you get to the end of a jury, right, you're walking along... and you get to the end, right.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43The jury's here, which way should you turn?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Back on yourself.- Like this?- Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50That's why you wouldn't have made a good barrister. Just that moment there.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53If you're ever representing yourself, walking along, "Blah, blah, blah..."
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Your instinct will be to go, "Blah, blah, blah," and at the end go...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"Blah, blah, blah... blah, blah, blah, blah." Wrong!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04This is the way you do it. "Blah, blah, blah...
0:16:04 > 0:16:10"But I ask you, when you look into the face of my client, ask yourself, is he not...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"not guilty?
0:16:13 > 0:16:18That's how you do it, right. A little bit of showbiz, take it for free.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Anyway, this nameless psychic was on recently... Completely true story.
0:16:21 > 0:16:27..was on a couple of days before me in a theatre somewhere, right, and died roaring, couldn't do it.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32To the point where the audience turned, they were looking at her going, "You can't do this.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36"You're actually bad at this." They started taking the mickey.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39They started going... Give me a name, give me a woman's name.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Tracey.- Tracey, perfect. Let's call her Tracey, right.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46And the audience started going, "Tracey, what about my mother?"
0:16:46 > 0:16:49And Tracey would go, "Is she dead?"
0:16:49 > 0:16:52And they'd go, "No."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Another voice said, "Tracey, what about my sister?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:01The woman goes, "Is she dead?"
0:17:01 > 0:17:03They'd go, "No."
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Eventually it was, "Tracey, what about my father?"
0:17:07 > 0:17:10She goes, "Is he dead?" The voice goes, "Yeah!"
0:17:10 > 0:17:14And she went, "Oh, now...something is coming through. Something is coming through."
0:17:14 > 0:17:17And the voice goes, "Ah, no, he's here, sorry."
0:17:17 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:26They're glorious. They're fantastic, fabulous people.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29We've had a chat with Aggie, we've talked to James, Julia there.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Er, the one person I really wanted to talk to was Melissa from The Property Show. Where is that?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Hello, how are you? How's yourself, good to have you here.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39You do the property shows on BBC daytime, don't you?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- I do.- Well, you did. What are you gonna do next year? Not so much in the property now, is there?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50That's a kind of a topical one there, isn't it? I was just thinking...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54What, what? Are you gonna do a show called We're Staying Here?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Or, Actually The Schools Aren't That Bad.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Do you know what my favourite is?
0:18:00 > 0:18:05My absolute favourite, the best of all, right. Not Grand Designs, not Location, Location,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08with respect, not Homes Under The Hammer.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Property Ladder is the greatest property show in the world, right.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- For one simple reason, right. Property Ladder, you know the one I mean?- Yeah!- Very good.
0:18:17 > 0:18:23Almost the greatest television show because uniquely, historically, it's the only television show, ever,
0:18:23 > 0:18:28that has an expert that nobody pays a blind bit of notice to.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34Every week Sarah Beeny comes in and goes, "Magnolia," and they go, "Ah, no, we're painting it black."
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Every week she's going, "No, no, please what are you doing there?"
0:18:37 > 0:18:42"We're digging a hole in the hallway to put a swimming pool in." "What?!"
0:18:42 > 0:18:46She must be off camera going, "Why am I even here?!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"They don't even listen to a word I say!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"Every week I give advice and then they make a big profit
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"and they think they're as good as me. Well, they're not!"
0:18:54 > 0:18:56And she's in, she's out, she's in, she's out.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00It's a continuity disaster area, it really is, yeah.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I'm not saying anything against her being pregnant but it does kind of give away
0:19:04 > 0:19:07how long it takes these people to do a bit of basic plumbing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12In the time it's taken them to plaster the back bedroom she's had four kids.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Just stick her in a poncho in episode one and be done with it, all right.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Make her Mexican, she can do the accent.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Come in on a donkey going, "So you want to develop the property, yes?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26"Perhaps you'd like to knock through the wall and make this into a separate bedroom.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"Many, many pesos for you if you can possibly do that."
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Listen, we're gonna bring out a headline act, ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39He's a very good friend. I've been working with him for a number of years.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44I've seen him grow from just a tiny child, from a small, shy boy
0:19:44 > 0:19:48into one of the finest stand-up comedians this country has.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53I call him the dark heart of Mock The Week. I'd imagine many people will after you've seen him.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Ladies and gentlemen, could you please give it up for the one and only Mr Frankie Boyle.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00CHEERING
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Hello!
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- Hello!- You've made an effort tonight, haven't you, little fella?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Looks like someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Top Man.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I like this as well, buddy.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48You've got your trousers pulled up so tight you've got one of those ball vaginas.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Did you see Amy Winehouse in the paper this week?
0:20:56 > 0:21:02My God, she looks like a campaign poster for neglected horses.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10We're quite tolerant of mutant celebrities, aren't we?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14David Coulthard with that big jaw thing.
0:21:14 > 0:21:20D'you reckon when he goes down on his wife it feels like she's being rescued by a dolphin?
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Ann Widdecombe says that she's a virgin for religious reasons.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:37The reason being that God made her incredibly ugly.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:46John Prescott, you're talking about a guy who's so fat,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48he can't wear a belt and a tie on the same day
0:21:48 > 0:21:51or he'll turn into sausages.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01Recently, I was getting interviewed on a sofa with Macy Gray.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04The dream team!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07The interviewer goes, "Have you ever been a groupie?"
0:22:07 > 0:22:11and Macy Gray, quite bizarrely, says, "Yes,
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"for the actor Clive Owen and the basketball player Michael Jordan."
0:22:16 > 0:22:20The interviewer said, "I hope that was on different nights."
0:22:20 > 0:22:22And I said,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25"At the very least, I hope they were at opposite ends, Macy."
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Macy Gray doesn't have a sense of humour!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Youse worried about the credit crunch?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I like the new advert for the Halifax.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50It's a bit sick us getting worried when there are people in the world starving.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Things are going to have to get pretty bad before we can't afford to shop at Lidl.
0:22:55 > 0:23:01I once did my entire weekly shop at Lidl in exchange for an amulet made from cat's teeth.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08I saw Gordon Brown talking about it last night. Gordon Brown looks terrible.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13He looks like a sad face somebody's drawn onto their scrotum.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Alastair Darling, I don't trust either.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I don't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows don't match.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I keep wondering what his pubes look like.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30I wouldn't be surprised if he opened his flies and it was a big bunch of daffodils.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34He looks tired as well.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Then, he does have to commute in every day from Tracy Island.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Brown says he wants to bring in super ASBOs. That sounds too cool.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Super ASBOs - teenagers are going to want those.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52They should call them GAYBOs or bender badges.
0:23:54 > 0:24:00Brown says we need a national debate about whether Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeral.
0:24:00 > 0:24:06The only debate most people are having is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10A £3 million funeral. For that money, you could buy everybody in Scotland
0:24:10 > 0:24:16a shovel and we'd dig a hole so deep that we could hand her over to Satan personally.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29George Bush says now he's retiring, he will make his living from speaking.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Play to your strengths there, George!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.
0:24:42 > 0:24:50Did anyone see the survey they did in America that said Osama bin Laden is now more famous than Michael Jackson?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53You think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot less effort into his videos."
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Poor old Michael Jackson has to live out the life of a Scooby-Doo villain.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Hanging around an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face.
0:25:06 > 0:25:14Catherine Zeta Jones lives in LA, but she has bottles of air imported from Wales.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18When I want my house to smell like Wales, I just kick my dog until it farts.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25It's weird the Beckhams went to LA - the home of stalkers.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28They were always worried about being kidnapped.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30She'd be the perfect kidnap victim.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Imagine how cheap it would be to send her body parts back to the post.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43What does he see in her? It must be like shagging a xylophone.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46People fancy Sarah Palin.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"Governor of Alaska" is an incredible title.
0:25:49 > 0:25:55Governor, serious and important, Alaska, shit.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00It's like being voted most handsome man...in the burns unit.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Being an international footballer... for Scotland.
0:26:09 > 0:26:16Glasgow was in the news recently, the scaremongering story that North Korea have missiles that can hit America.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21It turned out the part of America the missiles could reach was Alaska.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Who is going to nuke the Eskimos?
0:26:23 > 0:26:28You could take out one of their cities with a three-bar fire and a bag of salt.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34A lot of scaremongering goes on. Did you see that guy they jailed a couple of months ago,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Osama bin London?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Is that the stage it's got to - tribute acts?
0:26:40 > 0:26:46The Sun, without irony, described him as Abu Hamza's right-hand man.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52We've got Barack Obama as president. Incredible...
0:26:52 > 0:26:57when you consider he has the worst name you could have in American politics.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Obama, halfway between "Osama"
0:27:00 > 0:27:02and "a bomber".
0:27:04 > 0:27:07He might as well be called Muslim O'Gun-bomb.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14He's not just popular with black Americans,
0:27:14 > 0:27:19but with white Americans because they think he's Tiger Woods.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28He came to Berlin and got a standing ovation from 20,000 people.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Let's not forget the last man to get a standing ovation
0:27:31 > 0:27:36from 20,000 people in Berlin was the most evil man in history.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38David Hasselhoff.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Did he see his first speech after the election?
0:27:47 > 0:27:51They put bullet-proof glass up in front of him.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54That shows you how racist America still is.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10How are you doing, little fella?
0:28:10 > 0:28:12You look a bit trendy for this crowd.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16The rest of it looks like the cantina scene from Star Wars.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- What's your story, what do you do? - A barman.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23- A barman?- Yes.- If you keep smiling, that doesn't mean I'll move along!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I like what you've done with your hair, man.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30You look like a moderately powerful Pokemon.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Are youse looking forward to the Olympics in London?
0:28:38 > 0:28:39AUDIENCE MUTTER
0:28:39 > 0:28:41LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:46That's a fairly firm "no". A low zombie groan.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47Urrrrrrghhh.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53It means the athletes'll have to use extra skill
0:28:53 > 0:28:57to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Glasgow has the Commonwealth Games.
0:29:02 > 0:29:09Be good to finally see an international athletics event where the crowd fail a drugs test.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I'm looking forward to our opening ceremony.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17Seeing them lighting that torch from a smouldering Ford Focus.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25You want to see more drugs in sport? I want to see a lot more drugs in sport.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Do you want to see someone running the 100 metres in 9.78 seconds,
0:29:28 > 0:29:30or do you want to see them running it in three seconds?
0:29:30 > 0:29:34I don't want to see Dwain Chambers running on steroids, I want to see him
0:29:34 > 0:29:39running with the legs of a kangaroo and the heart of a leopard.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I would see him run so fast that halfway through the race,
0:29:42 > 0:29:46he disappears like the car from Back To The Future,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49reappears at the finish line as an old man shouting, "Beware China!"
0:29:49 > 0:29:52and then crumbles into dust.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59Usain Bolt won that race in 9.69 seconds.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01I can't do anything in that time.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04It took me 10 seconds to watch him do that.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09He won that race slowing down.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11How galling is that for the other runners?
0:30:11 > 0:30:15The only way it could have been worse would've been if he'd stopped before the finish line,
0:30:15 > 0:30:19got his camera phone out and gone, "Hurry up, I'm trying to get us all in this one."
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Michael Phelps was too good as well.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29It's gonna be boring at the London Olympics unless we make Phelps
0:30:29 > 0:30:32swim in the conditions the British swimmers had to train in.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37Let's see how good he is once he has to get past a fat guy doing widths.
0:30:40 > 0:30:46What was disappointing about the Olympics was the female athletes are now so fast,
0:30:46 > 0:30:50it's almost impossible to crack one off over the course of a race.
0:30:52 > 0:30:57I had to pick a woman quite early on in the hurdles and hope she fell.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03That's a joke, but it's also what I actually did.
0:31:06 > 0:31:11The great thing in Scottish football games at Hampden where you're not allowed to bring food
0:31:11 > 0:31:17into the ground and they search you when you go in to make sure you've not got food on you.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20It's nice to see we've got our priorities right.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22"What's this, son, a knife?
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches."
0:31:30 > 0:31:36We are a brutal culture. Did you see the story of the head that got washed up on a beach in Arbroath?
0:31:36 > 0:31:40It was children that found it, which I thought was particularly sad
0:31:40 > 0:31:42because you know there will have been a point
0:31:42 > 0:31:47when they'll have thought that was someone buried up to their neck in the sand,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50then the next day, the limbs get washed ashore in a suitcase.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54The people of Arbroath were in shock. They'd never never seen a suitcase before.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02I heard a brilliant Scottish story the other day. My pal is a magician.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06He does magic at weddings. He did a wedding a couple of weeks ago
0:32:06 > 0:32:11where the groom was wearing a kilt and for the photos, he sat on the bride's knee
0:32:11 > 0:32:14and left a skid mark on her dress.
0:32:20 > 0:32:25Somewhere in there is an incredible advert for Daz.
0:32:30 > 0:32:35I was trying to think of what is the shittest Scottish town, which obviously took me a while.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I decided it was Coatbridge.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40If you ever get a chance to go there, go.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43It's like Blade Runner without the special effects.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47Basically, the town's pride took a knock recently
0:32:47 > 0:32:52when they found out the people of Ethiopia were holding a rock concert for them.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58There is a beautiful detail I think encapsulates the place.
0:32:58 > 0:33:03Last time I was there, they had one takeaway restaurant which is a Chinese
0:33:03 > 0:33:07called by Bon Appetit.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14I read a great thing the other day.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19Scientists are going to start treating alcoholism with LSD.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23That's going to make tramps very different people.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27"Any spare change, pal? I've got a unicorn to feed."
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Have you heard this science thing that the human female
0:33:34 > 0:33:38has exactly the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female?
0:33:38 > 0:33:41It was news to me. I'll never wear a blindfold again.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45She told me she was a Geordie.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Viagra is overrated.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54Viagra takes half an hour to have any effect.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58I often find in that time, the woman has managed to wriggle free.
0:34:03 > 0:34:08Have you ever heard that if you put a frog into boiling water, it'll jump out,
0:34:08 > 0:34:15but if you put it into cold water, and heat the water up, the frog won't realise and it'll die?
0:34:15 > 0:34:21To put it another way, scientists have got a lot of time on their hands.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?"
0:34:23 > 0:34:29"No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel."
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Got all these environmental problems now.
0:34:37 > 0:34:41Apparently in 20 years' time, Norwich will be completely underwater,
0:34:41 > 0:34:46and the locals are delighted because they'll finally get a chance to use their webbed feet and hands.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51A lot of stuff's bad for the environment, isn't it?
0:34:51 > 0:34:534x4s are just too big, aren't they?
0:34:53 > 0:34:57I mean, often now, when I'm out dogging...
0:34:57 > 0:35:02I find I have to stand on someone's shoulders
0:35:02 > 0:35:04just to get my balls onto the windshield.
0:35:08 > 0:35:13Ryanair are getting a hard time from the environmental lobby cos they want to introduce an £8 flight
0:35:13 > 0:35:20to New York. Although, as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside New York...
0:35:20 > 0:35:21in Dublin.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Did you see Kerry Katona on This Morning?
0:35:30 > 0:35:34That was one of the saddest, one of the very saddest wanks that I've ever had.
0:35:39 > 0:35:45She's got a new perfume out, and it must be good, cos it looks like she's drinking about four bottles a day.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51I think Grand Designs is going to be brilliant during the credit crunch.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53"I've got a budget of £4.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57"Thought I might paint the door."
0:36:01 > 0:36:06So patronising, those property programmes, aren't they? I saw one. This is true.
0:36:06 > 0:36:12It said, "If someone's coming round to view your house, remember, open the curtains and tidy up."
0:36:14 > 0:36:19Oh, thanks for that, guys. I was planning on redecorating using diarrhoea pills and stencils,
0:36:19 > 0:36:23and then shaving the word "welcome" into my dog's back.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29That's a joke. I don't have a dog, obviously.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Having pets is tragic.
0:36:31 > 0:36:38Having a pet is basically saying, "Hey, I've tried to find love among my own species...
0:36:38 > 0:36:40"and I've failed."
0:36:40 > 0:36:45Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog shit?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50I suppose someone maybe without a dog. I don't know.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Vet - that looks like a good job.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01I don't know how long I could be a vet before I got bored and started shagging stuff.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05I'd shag an owl..
0:37:05 > 0:37:09cos it could give you eye contact whatever position you've taken.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Or shag a kitten.
0:37:14 > 0:37:19Imagine having sex with something you actually wanted to cuddle afterwards.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26What I'm actually most into myself is leather.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Well, I say leather,
0:37:28 > 0:37:30I mean, older women.
0:37:33 > 0:37:34I do love old people, and do you know what?
0:37:34 > 0:37:40It's sick that we live in a country where the Government will bail out banks and bankers.
0:37:40 > 0:37:45They won't make sure that old people can survive the winter. So what I told my gran,
0:37:45 > 0:37:47I told her to change her name by deed poll
0:37:47 > 0:37:52to Mrs HBOS and say that she pissed all her money away at the bingo.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56Sure enough, the next day, a cheque turns up for £5 billion!
0:37:56 > 0:38:01Now she's got her heating up full blast and it should last about two weeks.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07I'll try and think if I've got any cheerful jokes at all.
0:38:08 > 0:38:13Yes, as a man, never get a Brazilian,
0:38:13 > 0:38:17because when you get a hard-on, you'll look like a sundial at noon.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Another two, if I move my bike.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36The smoking ban's really taken off in Scotland.
0:38:36 > 0:38:42Every pub, no matter how shit, now has tables and chairs outside.
0:38:42 > 0:38:48Basically, Glasgow looks like Paris after a nuclear war.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52The best ads are those anti-drinking adverts.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55They're like the least effective adverts ever.
0:38:55 > 0:39:00There's always a drunk woman tottering about on high heels or a drunk woman falling over.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02I always watch those and I go, "That's right.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06"There are drunk women out there. I'll get my coat on."
0:39:09 > 0:39:14Did you see the story of the refugees who were found in a raft,
0:39:14 > 0:39:21and they'd survived on the raft for two weeks by eating the other people who'd died?
0:39:21 > 0:39:26They said if things had got any worse, they were going to open the fridge full of Ginsters pasties.
0:39:26 > 0:39:30You can eat roadkill. Have you seen this?
0:39:30 > 0:39:32My pal got me a recipe book for roadkill.
0:39:32 > 0:39:37So I got some roadkill, I followed the recipe, it was delicious.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40I still don't know what to do with his bike.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Political correctness has changed everything, hasn't it?
0:39:47 > 0:39:52Apparently at Christmas now, we're not supposed to say "fairy lights" any more,
0:39:52 > 0:39:53cos it might be homophobic.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57Apparently now, we've got to call them "poof lanterns".
0:39:59 > 0:40:02It's not politically correct to talk about women who wear veils.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04I don't care if they wear a veil or not.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08It's when you see them in London, taking photos of each other as tourists.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11What's the point?
0:40:11 > 0:40:15"Could you take that one again? I blinked."
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I think it's important for women not to let men tell you
0:40:19 > 0:40:22what's attractive, cos men don't know what's attractive.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Belly-button piercings aren't sexy.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30Men just think they're sexy because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag.
0:40:34 > 0:40:39I like the way men lie and go, "Oh, I couldn't sleep with younger women.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42"I mean, what would you talk to them about afterwards?"
0:40:42 > 0:40:45I don't know, how they're planning on getting home?
0:40:49 > 0:40:53I've got kids now. I've got a wee boy. He's just turned one.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Starting to get a bit sick of him, to be honest.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02I went to the birth and it really did bring home that whole wonder,
0:41:02 > 0:41:05I suppose, miracle, that is contraception.
0:41:07 > 0:41:12Watching a birth is like watching the deleted scenes from Platoon.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14I've got a wee girl as well.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17She's four. You know what people don't tell you?
0:41:17 > 0:41:19Kids are a fantastic way of meeting women.
0:41:19 > 0:41:24A real conversation starter, especially if you get 'em little cute tops,
0:41:24 > 0:41:28saying "Future DJ", that kind of thing. So my daughter's four.
0:41:28 > 0:41:34I've got her a lovely little pink top that says "My Mummy's Dead".
0:41:43 > 0:41:48You know, the brilliant thing with kids is, sometimes, you're just in that kid mode,
0:41:48 > 0:41:50and you don't even have them with you,
0:41:50 > 0:41:54and you'll just say things that have never been said in human history.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56I went to the supermarket recently.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59I didn't have the kids with me, but I was in that mode.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03And I picked up the cheese and went, "Hello, Mr Cheese."
0:42:04 > 0:42:08And this guy beside me got really angry
0:42:08 > 0:42:10cos he thought I was talking to him.
0:42:10 > 0:42:15And I had to turn to this guy and go, "I wasn't talking to you, pal.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17"I was talking to the cheese."
0:42:20 > 0:42:25I was having breakfast with my daughter a couple of months ago. This is true.
0:42:25 > 0:42:29My daughter goes, "Daddy, what's the best thing in the world?"
0:42:29 > 0:42:33I didn't even have to think about it. I said, "Darling, you're the best thing in the world.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36"I don't even have to think about it. It's definitely you".
0:42:36 > 0:42:39And she sat there for a bit and then she went,
0:42:39 > 0:42:41"For me, it's sausages."
0:42:43 > 0:42:47Hammersmith, it's been a pleasure. Take care of yourselves. Good night!
0:42:47 > 0:42:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:59 > 0:43:01CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:43:06 > 0:43:09I know. I know, I know what you're thinking.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13You're thinking, "God, it's my child's eighth birthday coming up."
0:43:13 > 0:43:16That would be perfect for the kids' birthday party, wouldn't it?
0:43:16 > 0:43:21Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the end of our show.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Thanks for coming along from everyone at Live At The Apollo.
0:43:24 > 0:43:30And from myself, Dara O Briain, from Frankie Boyle, we'll see you again. Thank you very much. Good night.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:36 > 0:43:39Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk