0:00:18 > 0:00:23- ANNOUNCER:- Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Jason Manford!
0:00:27 > 0:00:30AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hello.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Hello, how are you?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Lovely, here we are. Hammersmith Apollo.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Live at the Apollo.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Yeah. - AUDIENCE CHEERS - That's right.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Fancy London, the capital and that.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Oh, yeah. Like coming down here. Who's from London? Give us a cheer.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Quite a few. Quite a few.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08That was probably the longest conversation you've ever had with a stranger!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12They just don't like chatting.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I was at Euston the other week, there was a fella reading a book,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I'd seen this book in WH Smith, I quite fancied it.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23So I wandered over, I went, "All right, mate? Is that book any good,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26"cos I've been thinking about getting it."
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Now, in Manchester, that wouldn't be a weird thing to do, OK.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33I mean, it would be weird if a bloke was reading, you know, like...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35in public, you know.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I was like, "Is that any good that book?"
0:01:38 > 0:01:42He looked at me like I'd gone, "All right, mate, can I have a little tickle of your bollocks?"
0:01:46 > 0:01:50What? I just, "What about if I just hold them till the train comes, is that all right?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:52What?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Well then!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And you're very impatient down here, very impatient.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I mean I was on that underground tram network that you've got, right.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Or as in the North we like to call it "witchcraft". It's not natural.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07It's not natural.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Weird. Don't trust it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I was down there, I was running for a tram, I'm going to call it a tram.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I was running in the tube and this fella sprinted past me, dead fast,
0:02:17 > 0:02:22satchel hit me in the head, and he was running for the tube, and the doors closed and he went mental,
0:02:22 > 0:02:28like proper like, "Oh, my God! I can't believe it, I've just missed it. I'm going to be late for work!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31"This has ruined my day! Oh, here's one." That's right.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Cos they're every two bloody minutes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42I've been doing telly a little while, and there's some things that you notice.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Recently, about three times, I've been recognised in the street.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47It's well exciting.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52In Manchester, the first time it happened, this bloke crossed the road to meet me.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54He goes, "Are you Jason Manford?" I was well chuffed.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I was in front of a few of me friends, "Yes, I am. Yes."
0:02:57 > 0:02:59He went, "Oh, I work with your dad."
0:02:59 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:04No need for that, is it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:10So here we are, we've got some celebs in as well. Give a cheer for the celebrities.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- AUDIENCE CHEERS - There they are.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Who have we got here? We've got Sophie from Big Brother. Hello.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Not too bad at all.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yes, a little cheer there from people who remember Big Brother.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Is it weird now, walking around without that Geordie bloke doing the voiceover?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Because that's what I imagine I would miss the most.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Even now. "Sophie is sat at the Hammersmith Apollo.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"Jason is on stage trying not to look at Sophie's boobs.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39"And failing."
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Jessica-Jane Clement on the back there from The Real Hustle. That's a top show. We love that.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Hello there.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I tell you what, Jessica, I think it must be hard for any bloke to chat you up in a pub.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I mean, you're a lovely girl, of course,
0:03:54 > 0:03:58but that must be hard for someone to go, "I think I've seen you on the telly. Can I buy you a drink?"
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"Yeah, let me just put a piece of paper over that pint glass.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05"Two-pound coin. Let me get two straws." "Forget it! I can't be arsed."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09We've got Lee Dixon. Hello, Lee Dixon.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Arsenal legend.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13CHEERING
0:04:13 > 0:04:17A Manchester City fan, of course, Lee Dixon, like myself.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And he went to the same school as my dad.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- He never should... What's that? - I'm not the same age as your dad. - You're not the same age as my dad.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29He left about ten years before you joined but he still taught you everything you know.
0:04:29 > 0:04:35"Oh yeah, old Dicko, oh yeah." Never met you, never met you, but you're best mates.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39He never shuts up about it. My dad, not Lee. Lee's never mentioned it, to be honest.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43You've gone into punditry, Lee, rather than coach?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45You didn't fancy being a football manager?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Not at all. - No. Fair enough.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52There's a lot of stress. I know, I've been playing Football Manager for about 15 years.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56It's a tough game, honestly, that is a tough game.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Have we got Football Manager fans in?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00CHEERING
0:05:00 > 0:05:03You single lads knocking about, it's not a...
0:05:03 > 0:05:07It's not a game that keeps a relationship together, is it, that?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10My wife hates it. Sometimes I wait for her to drop off,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I'll get my laptop out, I'll have a little game.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15She'll wake up, "What are you doing?" "Just looking at porn."
0:05:15 > 0:05:17She hates it that much, it's horrible.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23She's like, "It's not even a proper game, it's just clicking." I'm like, "It's tactics, tactics.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"Man management and everything." You know what I mean.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30I probably shouldn't wear a suit. That's probably too far.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Stencil my initials into my pyjamas.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Do press conferences in the bathroom. That's too far.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39It takes over your life, that game.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I love it because I was on a train a little while ago,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46it was all packed, so I started having a game on my laptop.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49And I was Manchester City, I was playing Manchester United.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51It was a big game, I was 2-0 up.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Got to the 89th minute, 2-1, they got one back.
0:05:54 > 0:05:5692nd minute, 2-2. OK?
0:05:56 > 0:05:5997th minute, they won 3-2. OK, it's very realistic.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01They...
0:06:01 > 0:06:033-2, OK? Final whistle goes.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07The bloke sat next to me turned around, he went, "Ye-e-eah!"
0:06:11 > 0:06:14It's like, "It's my game, you knobhead."
0:06:14 > 0:06:19"I've not even saved it. Ha!" It takes over you.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23I did a gig at Manchester City and I met a load of the players and it was well exciting.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25It was last year, it was Robinho, Richard Dunne.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I met Micah Richards, the defender, and I was a bit rude to him, OK.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I was like, "All right, yeah. Not bothered."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34My dad, who was with me, went "You were rude to Micah Richards."
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I says, "I don't know why." It was only when I got home I realised.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41On Football Manager, he turned up late for training a couple of times.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46That's sad, innit?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Oh! All right, Billy Big Bollocks, turn up when you want, will you?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Exciting news - I've recently become a dad. Ten weeks ago my wife gave birth.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yeah. Thank you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05That's right.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08My wife gave birth to two little girls. Two little girls.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09And excited. It's exciting.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13The hardest thing with twins, of course, is picking your favourite.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15You know, that's the hardest thing.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I go for the one that's not crying, a lot of the time.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23No, the hardest thing is the lack of sleep.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25The one time you know you're not getting enough sleep,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28right, there's two times it happens, one time is when you look in the mirror
0:07:28 > 0:07:33and you can see what you're going to look like in 15 years' time. You're not getting enough sleep!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37The other time is when you hear one of the most beautiful sounds in nature,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40birdsong, OK, at half-past four, 5 am in the morning,
0:07:40 > 0:07:45and all you can think of is... Shut up!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Shut your little beaking mouth!
0:07:48 > 0:07:52You little feathery bastards!
0:07:52 > 0:07:57That's when you need to have a lie-in at some point. Someone needs to come and relieve you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01One of the things I found amazing while my wife was pregnant -
0:08:01 > 0:08:03and, not amazing, that sounds bad -
0:08:03 > 0:08:05is how much you actually fancy her while she's pregnant. OK.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08It's phenomenal, it just strikes blokes.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12You see your wife, I saw my wife, I think, "Phwoar!" Yeah. "Oo-oo-arr!"
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Mainly because her boobs go massive, right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:19That's convinced me that God is a woman, because only a female
0:08:19 > 0:08:22would make those boobs the best looking they've ever been,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25yet too sensitive to do anything with.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31You forget yourself sometimes, as well. I forget myself. I remember, come in one night, it was 2 am.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I got into bed. I had to be up at seven.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36And my wife was out here, like just before she popped,
0:08:36 > 0:08:42and she turned over, in the night... Beep, beep, beep.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43And she...
0:08:43 > 0:08:47she nudged me awake, complete mistake, but I forgot for a second, I just forgot myself,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50and I woke up, I went, "Argh! That's so frustrating!"
0:08:50 > 0:08:53And she was up straight, bolt upright, over me.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Eyes red in the darkness.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"Oh!"
0:08:59 > 0:09:01"Frustrating, is it?"
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Luckily I had my wits about me, I went,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"Just frustrating not being able to help you."
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I don't know where it came from, but I got away with it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I'm enjoying being a dad. There's obviously stuff I'm going to have to learn.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22You know, stuff that nobody teaches you. Even little things, like how to wrap a baby up in a blanket.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Nobody teaches you that.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26You know, we're not good at wrapping, you've seen us at Christmas.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You know what I mean. All presents are 40% Sellotape, aren't they?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32And you're not allowed to use tape on a baby. It's out of order. OK?
0:09:35 > 0:09:39The blanket's hard. Nobody teaches you. You wrap it, you think, "That seems all right. That's fine."
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Pick it up, blanket's still there. How's this happening?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44My brother rang me. He says, "Are you having trouble with the blanket?"
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I went, "How did you know?" He says, "I had the same thing."
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Good tip - it's a lot like doing a fajita.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Hey! He's bang on as well, isn't he?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58# Ba da-da-da, da-da-da-da da-da-da-da. #
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Guacamole, salsa, there's the lot.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02A bit of Sudocrem.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05But I look at my dad, and my dad's got to a point now
0:10:05 > 0:10:09where nobody polices anything that he says or does.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10And I can't wait to get to that point.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14He's allowed to insult anybody and everyone just goes, "Huh! What are you like?"
0:10:14 > 0:10:17You know, that's the point that I want to get to.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22My brother's just finished college. He's looking forward to the life that he's got in the future.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26He's thinking about going to Australia, OK, for a year out, OK.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29My dad, he goes, "What you want to do that for?"
0:10:29 > 0:10:33He says, "I just, you know, I just want to find myself."
0:10:33 > 0:10:36My dad says, "What if you find him and he's a knobhead as well?"
0:10:38 > 0:10:41No repercussions. He's allowed to do that.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44We're on a flight back from Spain last year.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48The Tannoy, right, the woman comes over the Tannoy, she says, "Can all passengers be aware,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50"we won't be serving peanuts on this flight
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"because there's somebody on the flight with such a severe allergy
0:10:54 > 0:10:58"that if it gets into the air-conditioning, they will be really ill."
0:10:58 > 0:11:0125 minutes into the flight, I turn around, my dad...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Eating a pack of peanuts he smuggled on board, himself.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I said, "Dad, what you doing?" He went, "I'm starving."
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I said, somebody's really ill.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13He says, "Unless it's the pilot, I don't give a shit!"
0:11:16 > 0:11:18They can do what they want.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Ladies and gentlemen, this next act is a big mate of mine,
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I've known him since we were doing little clubs in the middle of nowhere.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29He's performing to half a million people this year,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33all over the country, unless you're from the Tax, then it's just 12. OK.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Please welcome Michael McIntyre!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Lovely. Bravo!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Hello, good evening!
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Thank you.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Hello, Hammersmith. I'm going to refer to you as Hammersmith.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Where's Lee Dixon?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05CHEERING
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I follow a bit of football. I was watching Sky Sports News today,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11there's a football manager, he's called Alan Knill.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He's the manager of Bury or something.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Knill is his surname. K-N-I-L-L.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18What a great name if you're involved in football.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21If he has a son and doesn't call him "Juan"
0:12:21 > 0:12:25he's missed a major opportunity for comedy.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Don't you think?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31This is my eldest, "Juan Knill".
0:12:31 > 0:12:32I did that.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:12:35 > 0:12:37But I've got Sky TV now, which is excellent.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40You can pause live TV. There are people at home now who can just pause it,
0:12:40 > 0:12:44and it's a perfect pause. Not the old, sort of, 1980s VHS pause.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46That was a very different story.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You couldn't even see what you were watching in 1980s pause.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58People who weren't moving would start moving.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03He wasn't even moving in this scene. People in paintings would come to life. "I'm in a painting!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:10But then once you pause, it's quite exciting cos you can watch it back in x2, x6, x12, x30,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13which makes boring programmes quite entertaining.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Like in the tennis, you can forward the changeovers,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18watching Andy Murray eating a banana in x12 is quite exciting.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I watched Deal Or No Deal in x30. It really whizzes along.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I watch all TV. I watch TV just to slag it off.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32The Dragons' Den winds me right up.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37I know you're rich, Dragons, you don't need to bring your cash with you!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39They sit there,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41with cash on their tables.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44"I'm so tremendously wealthy. All my bank accounts are full.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48"I've had to bring additional funds with me tonight."
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"What about you, Theo Paphitis, have you got money on your table?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55"Oh, I'm completely loaded. I've thrown money up onto my table."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"What about you two Dragons?" "We've got a lot of cash."
0:13:59 > 0:14:03"All right, bring in the first poor person, let's see what they've got."
0:14:03 > 0:14:04They come in, trembling.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Hello, Dragons.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"Please can I have some cash
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"for the ideas in my brain."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"I feel sick just looking at poor people."
0:14:20 > 0:14:22"The state of her clothing.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27"For that reason, I'm out. What about you, Theo Paphitis, are you out?"
0:14:27 > 0:14:32"I will be out, but I'm going to humiliate the bitch for 15 minutes.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"Then I will declare, that I too am out."
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I'd like to go on Dragons' Den. With a shotgun.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Just stand there, pointing it at each of them, individually,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49till one of them goes, "What's your idea?" "Put that cash in this bag."
0:14:50 > 0:14:52You get no equity.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55I like some TV.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I watch it till the bitter end, literally like the early hours,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01till the signing zone, the deaf zone.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05That's when you know it's probably time for bed, you know.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08When there's somebody in the corner, signing.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You feel a bit like, "This isn't really for me."
0:15:12 > 0:15:17They almost look at you like, "You could have watched this in the day, it's probably bedtime for you.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22"Deaf people have been asleep all day to stay up for this, have some respect."
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I like it when there's no dialogue and they watch TV with you!
0:15:39 > 0:15:43I was watching the Blue Planet, this is a show with David Attenborough,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46where they discover creatures from the ocean, for the first time.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Fish that were only just discovered and they were naming them on the show.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53So he was going, "Here we have the newly-discovered 'diplanotinikoffs'".
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And the signing guy was going...
0:15:57 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:07He resorted to impersonating the fish. Looks hilarious.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10The fish was swimming, he was underneath going...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21This is the third time I've done this show and, let's be honest,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25as they pop up on television, you can know which year it is by how much weight I've gained.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I can only imagine a few years you won't be able to see the "O".
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Erm, I've tried! I've tried to lose weight.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I've tried to get fit. I've tried everything.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I got a Nintendo Wii. They said that was good.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44I got the tennis game. You play it in the living room and you literally run around playing tennis.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Ungh! I tend to grunt. Ungh!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I'm quite unfit. Even in chess.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Ungh!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54After a while you realise you're just as good,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger, doing that.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05If there's an area of my body that doesn't require a workout,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07it's going to be the wrist, I have to be honest with you.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11It's been religiously attended to for some years now.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Isn't it amazing how many sports just require your wrist.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Darts. Badminton. And snooker.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Although I can't play snooker any more,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22ever since somebody told me it's like tossing off a man behind you.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26That sort of... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:34 > 0:17:35MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Talk about ruining a sport in one sentence.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41MICHAEL CHUCKLES
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I bought a Hoover from Comet.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50I felt the need to try the Hoover out...in the shop.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Comet is a place that sells electricals. Everything in the shop needs to be plugged in,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56but nothing is actually plugged in in the shop.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00So it's filled with people trying things out not for their primary function.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02People are buying fridges on the strength that it opens...
0:18:04 > 0:18:05..and it closes.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08And it's silver.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12I was buying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover up the shop a bit.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15It wasn't plugged in. I just wanted to feel the weight of it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16I went down the aisle.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me. "Hello. Good Hoover."
0:18:23 > 0:18:26That's my hoovering technique, I walk with my Hoover.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28There are two distinctive styles of hoovering.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Either like me, where you walk with your Hoover.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Then when you reach the end you hoover round, follow in behind.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Or you stand your ground and hoover out.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42MICHAEL IMITATES HOOVER
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Then pick a new position completely at random.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Hoover out again!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I like the Hoover challenge when there's something in the carpet that could ruin your Hoover.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03A nail or a paperclip. You see it, you spot it.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06You square up to it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09This could be dangerous for the health of my Hoover.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14You know what you should do, you should pick it up and not risk it.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18But the excitement of living life on the edge overwhelms you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22MICHAEL IMITATES INTENSE MOTOR POWER
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Then you wait for the noise. Tka-tka-tka! Tka-tka-tka!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I didn't say anything.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35I like it when it's hose time.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39You can't get in a nook. It's time for the hose, get the hose out.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Get the hose, stand up the main Hoover. Hose time.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Even though you know what a Hoover does, it sucks, it's a vacuum,
0:19:46 > 0:19:50you feel the need at this moment to hoover yourself. I don't know why.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53You feel the excitement building within you.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56HE IMITATES VARIED MOTOR POWER
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Whooo...Argh!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Just trying to spice up an otherwise boring day.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16So we're drinking tonight? People drinking? Having a drink? CHEERING
0:20:16 > 0:20:17I drink after the show.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I like a glass of wine. I like a glass of wine after the show.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25A nice glass of wine. I'm not an expert in the field of wine.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Most of us aren't, let's be honest, but we pretend to be in restaurants.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Very important to keep up the facade in a restaurant,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34that you all know about wine.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Nobody does. You know red colour and white colour. That's pretty much all.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40You'll discuss it with your fellow diners,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44"Bottle of wine? Red? Red? Red? White or red? All right, bottle of red."
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Waiter comes over. "Can I geev you ze wine list?"
0:20:46 > 0:20:50He may as well say, "Would you like ze book of gibberish?" "I would."
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Ignore all wording, focus entirely on prices.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00"This one." You have no idea what you're doing, you picked one at random.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03You don't even have the confidence to say it. "Ooh! I want this one."
0:21:03 > 0:21:07"Ah, a fine choice." The waiter knows nothing about wine. "I have no idea if it's a fine choice."
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Then they show you the bottle, this is an important part of the process.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Cos it's all part of the bullshit production.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22We all have roles within it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Stare at bottle bit.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29It's the only part of the meal they show you the source of where it's coming from.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31You don't order a hamburger and they come out with a Polaroid of a cow.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35"Zis is a cow. Is this what you want?" "Yes, it is."
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"Kill it and put it in a bun and then bring it back to me."
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Then they'll open the wine in front of you. "Who wants to try ze wine?" This is the horrific moment.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Who wants to take the lead role in the bullshit production?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Nobody wants to do it. "I don't want to do it, please, not me, not me."
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Somebody normally gives you up. "You do it." "OK. I will take the lead part."
0:21:54 > 0:21:57They pour a little bit in, step back, wait for your verdict.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00You have no idea what you're doing.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Everyone is staring at you.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Some people panic at this moment and just stick their face in it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I don't know why you need to smell wine before drinking it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13You don't listen to a CD and rub it to your ear before.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Ah!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Yes.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28That is wine.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Everyone should have some.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it tastes winey, like other wines I've had in the past.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38I thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it, like a taste test,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41but apparently it's to see if it's corked, which means it's off.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43They're asking you to determine whether it's off or not,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45and if it's off, they'll give you another bottle. I'm paying for this.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Why don't you ascertain whether it's off or not and not give it to me if it's off?
0:22:49 > 0:22:54It's not like you wanted coffee and they come up with the milk, "It smells funny, will you try it?"
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Cheesy!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04But you go along with it cos it's the done thing to do.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08There's a lot you go along with in restaurants. A lot of nonsense. Bread and water?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"Like some bread and water for the table?"
0:23:10 > 0:23:12The table's having a better night than I am.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17I can get this in an orphanage. Bring me actual food, please!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19But you go along with it, cos you're in a restaurant.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You order your main course. "Would you like any side orders?"
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Why would I want satellites of food surrounding the food?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Give me food on a plate and I'll put it in my face.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Is it supposed to make you feel like you're eating less?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"Yes, I'd like some mashed potato behind me. Put them behind me.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40"Some carrots in a drawer.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"Keep your spinach in the loo, behind the cistern, no one will know."
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"Be careful, plate very hot." What a complete nonsense that is.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51What you should say is, "Well then, get me one that isn't.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54"I don't want to burn myself, I just want lasagne, not jeopardy."
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"Can I, do you mind?"
0:23:56 > 0:24:02But you just take it. "OK, I'll be careful not to burn myself when I'm eating."
0:24:02 > 0:24:03My wife, she warned me about it.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08"Be careful, it's a hot plate. Just get the food in your face without touching it."
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Just where would you draw the line? "There are razor blades in the lasagne."
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"OK. I'll be careful with my brain."
0:24:17 > 0:24:21They always offer you coffee at the end of a meal, regardless of the time of day.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Literally, at dinner, it can be 11:30 at night,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28bedtime is next for up for you.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Can I get anyone a coffee?"
0:24:31 > 0:24:32I mean, this is a nonsense.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37If my wife said to me at home, at 11:30 at night, "Would you like a coffee?"
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I'd go, "Piss off!"
0:24:40 > 0:24:44"Are you referring to the drink we use to get us out of bed in the morning?
0:24:44 > 0:24:48"The high-caffeine drink that fuels the rest of the day?
0:24:48 > 0:24:53"You want me to have that now before bed? Is this some kind of experiment?"
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In a restaurant, "Yes, I think I'll have a latte. A latte for me.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"Do you want anything, darling?" "Double espresso for me."
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Three o'clock in the morning, "Are you up?" "Of course I'm up, I'm completely wired!"
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"I was thinking of going to work! Now! And waiting!"
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"Can I come?" "Let's run there! Let's RUN there!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:19CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:25:19 > 0:25:22But it doesn't matter what you order, anything,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Salt and pepper have done so tremendously well in the herb and spice arena.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33They're our favourites, by a distance.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35They just wait on the table, don't they? Arrogantly assuming
0:25:35 > 0:25:38"Whatever you want to prepare, you're going to need us,
0:25:38 > 0:25:43"either myself or my dear friend, Pep. Isn't that right?" "Right you are, Salty."
0:25:43 > 0:25:45But there are other herbs and spices.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Paprika!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51They're all lined up in the cupboard in the kitchen at home, waiting.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see Salt and Pepper, "Look at them, the bastards!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03"What have they got that we don't have? I just don't get it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"You ever been out of the cupboard, Oregano?"
0:26:06 > 0:26:08ITALIAN ACCENT: "Once for bolognese in 1988.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14"They said it was an experiment, I don't think it worked."
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"What about you, Cumin? You ever been out of the cupboard?"
0:26:17 > 0:26:21ASIAN ACCENT: "I used to live with them at their old house, and they never took me out of cupboard.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"Then they moved here, put me back in cupboard. No."
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"What about you, Paprika?"
0:26:28 > 0:26:31HUNGARIAN ACCENT: "I fell out once.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"They just put me back in. The wrong way round.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46"Seven years, seven years I was like this.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49"Every day I would pray.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52"I would pray it is goulash day.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53"But it is never goulash day.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58"I've still got the plastic on my head. Why did they buy me? I don't understand it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03"What about you on the end? Who are you?"
0:27:03 > 0:27:05EFFEMINATE VOICE: "My name is Five Spice."
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"You ever been out of the cupboard, Five Spice?" "I'm not just one spice.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18"I'm five spice. I'm five times as good as all of you."
0:27:19 > 0:27:22"Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?"
0:27:22 > 0:27:26"I have been used in recipes. For thousands of years."
0:27:26 > 0:27:28"Yes, but have you ever been out of THIS cupboard?"
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"No."
0:27:31 > 0:27:34NORTHERN ACCENT: "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37"but the fact is, I've overheard your conversation, it's winding me right up.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41"I have been in this cupboard for longer than all of you put together!"
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"Sorry, who are you?"
0:27:43 > 0:27:46"John West, Tuna, nice to meet you."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much indeed. Good night!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Thank you.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Thank you, Apollo!
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Thank you.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Hey, that was all right, wasn't it?
0:28:08 > 0:28:09CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Ladies and gentlemen,
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Michael McIntyre!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- AUDIENCE CHEERS EXCITEDLY - God love him.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20We'll see you again soon, good night, God bless, I've been Jason Manford. Bye-bye, thank you.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd