0:00:18 > 0:00:25Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rob Brydon.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Hello!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Hello, Hammersmith.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52What an audience.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Wow, this audience is jam-packed with celebrities.
0:01:00 > 0:01:06Where have we got, there he is Craig Revel Horwood.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Craig recently had an autobiography out, what a colourful life,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14mostly orange but nonetheless.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22And also where's Rachel Stevens?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Hello Rachel, Rachel Stevens is here, ladies and gentlemen,
0:01:26 > 0:01:32how about that? Rachel, of course, once won the title rear of the year.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Yes, she did, rear of the year.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Not unlike an award, rear of the year, not unlike the award that
0:01:38 > 0:01:42you won Craig, two years running, arse of the century.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Wow.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Alison Steadman is here.
0:01:53 > 0:02:00Alison, I loved you in Nuts in May, I did. Yes, yes, and who'd have thought an actress of your standing
0:02:00 > 0:02:03would be willing to get them out for a lad's mag.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12She was in Nuts in May, did you not see it?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15She's doing Loaded for December as well.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I'm joking, of course. Oh, it's lovely to be here, it really is.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I, myself am very excited.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I recently became a father again.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26CHEERING
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Thank you. For the fourth time.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Oh, yes, oh, yes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Now, because I'd already had children
0:02:38 > 0:02:43I was determined not to fall into the traps that new parents have.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46The risk of the false alarm.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Now, this is when a lady gets towards her due date
0:02:50 > 0:02:54and she gets a little twinge and she thinks the baby might be coming.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59She goes to the hospital only to be told it's wind.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I didn't want my wife running off to the hospital,
0:03:02 > 0:03:06in fairness I should have given her lift, only to be told,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10only to be told, that it was wind.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13So, whenever she'd have a little twinge,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I'd say "darling, don't worry, relax."
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Now, with hindsight
0:03:19 > 0:03:21that was a bad idea.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Nine days before the due date she woke up, she sat on the
0:03:25 > 0:03:30edge of the bed, she went "Aargh, ooh, ooh, eeeh, eeeh, ohh, ohh."
0:03:30 > 0:03:34I could barely hear the television.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41She said "I think it might be today."
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Now, this was terrible news for me because I'm a big golfer
0:03:45 > 0:03:49and this was a day I'd had in the diary for some time.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I was going to play golf,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55on this day, with Ronnie Corbett.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I know, it's true, this is a true story.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03That's not the sort of thing you scrub out of a diary on a whim, is it?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06So, I said "look let's just see how it goes."
0:04:07 > 0:04:13But, if anything, by lunch time it had got worse.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18And come midday she actually turned to me and she said "Rob" she said, "I don't think you should go."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Unbelievable.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I didn't know what to do. I'm not a cold hearted man.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31So, I stood there and I was torn, should I stay or should I go?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It was a moral dilemma.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35So, what I did was this.
0:04:35 > 0:04:41I asked myself a question I often ask at times of moral dilemma,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"What would Rod Stewart do?"
0:04:47 > 0:04:51So, there we were on the 14th.
0:04:51 > 0:04:57We had a cracking afternoon's golf, we really had. Ronnie was on fire.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02We'd been out there for a few hours and I turned my mobile back on and sure enough
0:05:02 > 0:05:06there's a message from my wife. She says "Oh, my God
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"get home it's started, I've gone into labour."
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Well, I get home, all hell has broken loose.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16My wife is in the front room, with the midwife.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19It's the television room. And she's on all fours, right.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23It's a Sony 42 inch plasma.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25And she's sweating.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30She's "arggh its too big, its too big, get it out."
0:05:30 > 0:05:33She wasn't saying that during the conception.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Oh, she's in a hell of a state, she's very uncomfortable.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42And the midwife takes me to one side and she says
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"Mr Brydon", because I insist on that.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49She says "Mr Brydon, I've examined your wife,
0:05:49 > 0:05:56"she's already 8cm dilated, there's no way we'll get to hospital.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"We're going to have to have the baby here."
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Well, this was scary, a home birth, no pain relief
0:06:03 > 0:06:08you see with a home birth, oh, no, I would have absolutely nothing.
0:06:09 > 0:06:15And its different, a home birth is different, you don't lie on your back, you give birth like a mammal.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20You give birth on all fours like a bear, very naturally.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23And when a child is born this way, the first thing to...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28# When a child is born. #
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Johnny Mathis there.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36# A ray of hope
0:06:36 > 0:06:40# Flickers in the sky. #
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Who'd have thought it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46When a child is born that way the first thing to appear is the head.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49So, picture my wife, OK, there she is,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"Aarggh."
0:06:53 > 0:06:56# All across the land
0:06:56 > 0:06:59# Dawns a brand new morn
0:06:59 > 0:07:02# This comes to pass
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# When a child is born. #
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Now, he didn't do that, he didn't wave his head around like that, OK?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I'm just doing that so you can see.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I mean, my God, if he'd done that it would have been horrific.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34That didn't happen. That didn't happen.
0:07:34 > 0:07:40But what does happen is the head just hangs there
0:07:40 > 0:07:46and your wife is there with a little human head
0:07:46 > 0:07:49hanging between her legs.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52A tiny miniature human head.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56It's the most horrific thing you'll ever see.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59But you can't look away.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05She had a tiny human head there.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10She had a head there, she had a head here.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13She looked like a playing card.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17And I'm terrified.
0:08:20 > 0:08:26Oh, I'm terrified, I don't know what to do and he looked angry as well.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29His face was all scrunched up, he was livid.
0:08:30 > 0:08:36I mean, to this day we can't be sure what it was but something had rubbed him up the wrong way in there.
0:08:36 > 0:08:44He's just hanging there between her legs looking in the opposite direction.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46He looked like a rear gunner.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53And I'm terrified, I'm freaking out now.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Now, Alison, here's the thing, you'll love this.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I had said to the midwife, and this is a bit soppy,
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I'd said I wanted to be the first person to hold our baby.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12I wanted to be the first one to make flesh on flesh contact. I wanted to bond.
0:09:12 > 0:09:18It sounds silly but I was hoping for a sort of a Lion King moment.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24SINGS OPENING PHRASE OF THE LION KING
0:09:33 > 0:09:36That's what I wanted.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37And if that had gone well.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40# Hakuna matata. #
0:09:41 > 0:09:42But I'm freaking out.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47So, the head hangs there for about ten, 12 minutes finally the midwife
0:09:47 > 0:09:54says "it's almost here, its time, if your wife gives one more push, he'll arrive."
0:09:54 > 0:10:00So, my wife went, "urggh," baby went, whoosh.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I put the TV to mute.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13And I leapt across the front room.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21And I caught him and I was the first person
0:10:21 > 0:10:26to make contact with our son, he was a little boy, and he was there
0:10:26 > 0:10:32in my hands all warm and new and it was one of the most overwhelming things you will ever do.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36And I tell you now, I was in pieces, I was in floods of tears, my wife
0:10:36 > 0:10:42was crying, the midwife was crying, and your mind just becomes a mush.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47I mean to this day I can't explain why I did,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52..what I did, next.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57It was so emotional.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Maybe it's because I'm Welsh, I don't know,
0:11:01 > 0:11:02but I went.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15But thank God we hadn't cut the cord. He shot back.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It was junior bungee.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25He ended up lying on the floor...
0:11:28 > 0:11:35..with all this umbilical cord snaking around the room back to his mother, yards of it.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I thought what the hell do we do now?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I needn't have worried, calm as a cucumber,
0:11:40 > 0:11:49the midwife walked over to my wife, she puts her left foot on my wife's right foot and pressed hard
0:11:49 > 0:11:55and just like a hoover the cord went.. pssst...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04And that's why we called him Henry.
0:12:13 > 0:12:21Well, ladies and gentlemen let's bring on our first guest.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26This is a brilliant comedian, last year won Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I love her, I know you will.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Please give a massive Apollo welcome to the superb Sarah Millican.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Hello.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50How exciting is this?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Are you all having a good night?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Good. I went out a few weeks ago with a friend of mine who's got a really dodgy husband
0:12:57 > 0:13:00and I was really ill the next day and I'd only had two glasses of wine.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03And I rang her and said "I've got no idea why I'm this ill"
0:13:03 > 0:13:08and she said "Oh, that'll be Steve he will have spiked your drink."
0:13:09 > 0:13:15I said "really?" She said "Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19"but I didn't mind so much because I got loads of hoovering done."
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I'll tell you about me. I live on my own.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27When I first decided to live on my own I was talking to my mum and dad.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30They don't understand why anybody would want to live on their own.
0:13:30 > 0:13:37My mum said "People only live on their own if they've got no friends and nobody loves them."
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Cheers, Mum.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43And then my dad made me look up the word hermit in a dictionary.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48But he did give me good advice when I was looking for flats.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51He said "I don't think you should get one that's got a balcony."
0:13:54 > 0:13:59"What with living on your own there will be a high suicide risk."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I wonder if I should bear that in mind when
0:14:01 > 0:14:05I'm viewing properties, you know, is that oven gas or electric?
0:14:06 > 0:14:11Is that light fitting really strong, will it hold a decent weight?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Nine stone? Shut up, ten stone...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18and a half.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20And another bloody half.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27I went to a friend of mine's recently she said "come round and I'll cook all your favourite food"
0:14:27 > 0:14:30and I thought what a lovely thing to do for somebody.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32So, of course I went round and we had a lovely time.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37She cooked all my favourite food and then about three hours later we're sitting on the sofa
0:14:37 > 0:14:43and out of nowhere she just went "I don't think my lady parts look like other girls' lady parts".
0:14:48 > 0:14:51What am I supposed to do with that?
0:14:51 > 0:14:57I realised then that the whole night had been a ploy, favourite foods my arse, come and look at my fanny.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I said I'm not looking at it, I'm not looking at it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07But if you draw it on a bit of paper
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I'll have a look at that.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14So, she drew it on a bit of paper and I drew mine as well and they were quite similar so she was happier.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17She said mine was tidier.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I don't really know what that means but I know
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I definitely don't want to look at her's now that I know it's messy.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28But it could have been worse,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31we could have just put some paint on and done a potato print.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I've developed a new hobby, some of you probably already do this.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49I've started listening in to people's conversations on the bus and the train, it's entertaining.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54And I was listening not long ago to two old ladies and they were talking about what they would do if they
0:15:54 > 0:16:00were men for a day, and I thought this is going to be brilliant because pensioners are by definition bonkers.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04But I went out to lunch with a couple of my friends and I thought I'd ask them the same question.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08So, my first friend, I said "what would you do if you were a man
0:16:08 > 0:16:12for a day" and without thinking she just went "I'd have a wank."
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Sounded like she needed to, she sounded awfully tense.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19But these old ladies, different generation,
0:16:19 > 0:16:26in their 80s and one of them just said "Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?"
0:16:26 > 0:16:31The other one said, "Knowing my luck, I'd get a Tuesday and what can you do on a Tuesday?"
0:16:38 > 0:16:41My second friend I said, "what would you do if you were a man for a day?"
0:16:41 > 0:16:43She just said "I'd just do everything."
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And I thought she meant in a sexual way and I said "is that what you mean
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"you'd just do everything, is that what you mean?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:53She went "No, no, just all the little jobs round the house."
0:16:55 > 0:17:00But I've been trying to go on a diet, I'm not really very successful.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04But I find that when I go shopping and I can't get into things, you know
0:17:04 > 0:17:07when you try clothes on and you are the size you weren't expecting to be.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I just come home and I put on a song and the song is Big Girls Don't Cry,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14you know the song, there's a couple of versions of it,
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Big Girls Don't Cry.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20Such a load of rubbish that isn't it? Big girls don't cry, yeah they do.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24They cry because they're fat, they can't get a boyfriend
0:17:24 > 0:17:26and because there's no trifle left.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Now, I was on holiday in Spain last year, I'm bragging I know.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39And, outside the hotel there was a lovely pool and I wanted to go
0:17:39 > 0:17:42in the pool, of course I did, but I'm not overly confident with my
0:17:42 > 0:17:45figure in a swimming costume and I was watching the women walking in the pool.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50These were like tiny, you know these wafer thin tiny women and I thought I'm not
0:17:50 > 0:17:55going to walk in with one of them, if I walk in with one of them people are going to think I've bloody eaten one.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00And I wouldn't anyway because there's no meat on them.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06So, I decided instead to walk in with the children
0:18:06 > 0:18:09because kids are all really fat these days, aren't they?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13If I walk in the same time as a nine year old boy
0:18:13 > 0:18:16who's got bigger tits than me, nobody's looking at me any more.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Like I say I don't have kids and most of my friends don't have kids but I think if you
0:18:23 > 0:18:29ask any woman who doesn't have kids what would worry them about having kids, would always be childbirth.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31It's quite a reasonable thing to worry about.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35From what I understand it changes your downstairs, doesn't it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38It changes your downstairs.
0:18:38 > 0:18:44I quite like my downstairs the way it is, thanks very much, certainly don't want a bloody extension.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50But its bound to change, isn't it? Because you're forcing a person out,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52that's what you're doing, you're forcing a person out.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55I've never forced a person out, I've forced a couple in.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06With a shoe horn.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11No, it was just me thumb.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16You've been an absolute delight of an audience, let me leave you with one, oh.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Let me leave you on one final thing, most generous of you thank you, let me leave you on one final thing,
0:19:29 > 0:19:34somebody recently noticed I have developed something of a cake shelf.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40It's bigger than a muffin top so I call it my cake shelf.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I call it my cake shelf because that's where I keep my cake.
0:19:44 > 0:19:51Somebody said to me recently, "are you pregnant?" ohh, I said "only if I've been shagged by Mr Kipling"
0:20:00 > 0:20:03And yes, it was exceedingly good.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06You've been amazing, thank you very much, good night.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Sarah Millican.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21The brilliant Sarah Millican.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24OK, would you like some more?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I'll take that as a yes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:35Next up, one of Ireland's favourite sons with an amazing 12 Edinburgh shows under his belt.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39He's seen 12 Edinburgh shows.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42One of the most popular comics on the circuit
0:20:42 > 0:20:46and a lovely man as well, go absolutely crazy it is Jason Byrne.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Hello.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Yeah, it's really good to be in Britain,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10it's great to be in a place which is as miserable as Ireland, fantastic.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15I come from an Irish background from the 70s and 80s.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I was a really weird looking little kid.
0:21:18 > 0:21:26I also had a special eye, or a lazy eye, or a bung eye, or, as I found out in Scotland, a cock eye.
0:21:28 > 0:21:34That's what I had and I had huge glasses to magnify the special eye.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41Just in case children from a distance couldn't see the special eye.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48And what do the doctors do they put a patch over my good eye.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57I spent half my childhood banging into shit.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I couldn't see anything.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03And the boys were quite rough when I was a kid,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I used to stand with the girls when the guys were on a swing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11There's loads of young people here, I'm not too sure if you know what a swing is.
0:22:12 > 0:22:18A stick and a rope, real recession times, real recession times.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Not like the recession we're in now.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Oh, I can't go on my third holiday, oh, really can you not?
0:22:26 > 0:22:31You want to be when I was a kid, sitting in a puddle with your best friend.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36With my special eye.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Are you enjoying the puddle, Dermot?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Yes, I am enjoying the puddle isn't it fun?
0:22:43 > 0:22:49The blokes built a swing I couldn't get on because I was too scared of breaking my special eye.
0:22:49 > 0:22:57It was dangerous, it was like off a 20 foot drop from a tree right down into a dried river bed and over here
0:22:57 > 0:23:03there was like dead rats, barbed wire, tramps and some petrol for setting fire. It had to kill you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:09That was the rules. I just stood with the girls with my special eye, just watching it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"Its dangerous, girls, isn't it?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13"I'll never get on that."
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Eventually after six months, "just get on it Byrne, just get on it."
0:23:17 > 0:23:23So, I went "right I will, I will get on that swing and enjoy myself."
0:23:23 > 0:23:28And I got up into the tree and I stood on that branch and they swung up the rope
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and I couldn't catch it because I was seeing two ropes with my special eye.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"I can't get it lads, bring it up."
0:23:36 > 0:23:41One of them had to bring it up, put the stick between my legs, hold me up like this on the branch.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44There was guys on the ground going, "is he up there, is he up there?"
0:23:44 > 0:23:48"Yeah, yeah you can just see his testicles either side of the rope."
0:23:48 > 0:23:53"And the special eye just sticking out the edge there."
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And they let go of me, oh, my God I felt amazing.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00I swung across, "yeah, I'm free"
0:24:00 > 0:24:06and on the third swing, this is no shit, the thing snapped on me.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10And me and my special eye into the bushes upside down.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14The kids asked me was I OK, I wasn't OK.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I'd hurt my coccyx, I was in bits.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23So, now I had to walk home, my coccyx sprained or broken, I didn't know.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27My special eye, my patch and my huge glasses.
0:24:27 > 0:24:33Tyring to find the road, going "I'm OK, I'll find the road, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'll find the road."
0:24:33 > 0:24:39Got to the edge of the road, this is no messing, got to the edge of the road and I checked the road.
0:24:39 > 0:24:45I went "there's no cars that way and there's no cars that way, special eye says to go ahead."
0:24:45 > 0:24:50And I went out and the minute I stood on the road, a car hit me on the hip.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55On the hip, this is no joke, spun me up in the air, I did a somersault,
0:24:55 > 0:25:02landed on the bonnet, spun off, landed on the ground and stood up and just kept walking.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I didn't even know I was knocked down.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I thought my special eye was having an epileptic fit in my head.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13"Jesus that was weird."
0:25:14 > 0:25:18The guy in the car was in more shock than I was.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23He reversed up, right reversed up, leaned over, wound down the window,
0:25:23 > 0:25:27wound it down young people, he wound it down.
0:25:27 > 0:25:34He leaned across and wound it down, not the master switch, he leaned across
0:25:34 > 0:25:40with his huge arm and wound it down and the window came down like this
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and then fell into the door.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48And he looked out at me and he went "I just knocked you down son, are you OK?"
0:25:48 > 0:25:54And I remember looking up with my special eye and just going "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers."
0:25:56 > 0:25:57And walked on!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02But this is the thing all that time I got knocked down,
0:26:02 > 0:26:08I got knocked out by a basketball, all these things happened to me but I never really broke anything, never.
0:26:08 > 0:26:15And all you young people you take heed of this, until I was 36 that's when I realised I was old
0:26:15 > 0:26:18and this was when I ripped the cartilage in my knee.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23I couldn't believe it. I needed a quick poo, this is no messing,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I ran into the toilet,
0:26:25 > 0:26:31pulled my trousers down, bent down too quickly and my knee fell off.
0:26:35 > 0:26:41No, bungee jumping, parachute stories for the grandchildren.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44"What happened to granddad's knee?"
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"Oh, he was having a shit and it fell off."
0:26:50 > 0:26:53And when you have a shit like that and you break your knee,
0:26:53 > 0:26:58especially the cartilage, your knee locks, it locks.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I was stuck on the toilet with my trousers halfway down.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I couldn't get up.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I had to call my wife.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Now, I'm with my wife 12 years, it doesn't matter what she sees any more
0:27:10 > 0:27:13the hate in our marriage couldn't get any bigger.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I had to call my wife, "Brenda!"
0:27:18 > 0:27:22She came, opened the door, looked at me and went "What?"
0:27:24 > 0:27:26"I've broken my knee having a shit."
0:27:28 > 0:27:32She looked at me, my loving wife and went, "you idiot!"
0:27:32 > 0:27:37"I haven't got time for this I've got dinner on."
0:27:37 > 0:27:41But I was stuck on the toilet.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"You'll have to help me up."
0:27:43 > 0:27:47So, she put her arms around me and she went to lift me up.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"You'll have to do something else first."
0:27:53 > 0:27:59She went "I am not doing that." So, this is what she did to me instead,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03she held me off the toilet about an inch and shook me from side to side.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12We didn't make love for at least four months after that.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Right, ladies and gentleman, goodbye, thanks very much Apollo.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Goodbye.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Wow! Jason Byrne.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Well, that's it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:28:36 > 0:28:37I hope you've had a good time.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Thanks to the lovely Sarah Millican and the fantastic Jason Byrne.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45This has been Live at the Apollo, I'm Rob Brydon, good night.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:53 > 0:28:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk