0:00:18 > 0:00:21Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:21 > 0:00:27Al Murray, the pub landlord!
0:00:27 > 0:00:34# Another one bites the dust Another one bites the dust
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# And another one's gone And another one's gone
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# Another one bites the dust
0:00:39 > 0:00:43# Hey, they're gonna get you too! Another one bites the dust #
0:00:43 > 0:00:47AUDIENCE CLAP IN RHYTHM
0:00:51 > 0:00:54# How do you think I'm going to get along... #
0:00:54 > 0:01:03Yes! Let's hear it for the beer! All hail to the ale!
0:01:03 > 0:01:08And welcome the wine for the ladies. Good evening, good evening. Welcome to Live At The Apollo,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:12 > 0:01:18And look at this beautiful British audience and beautiful British people, it's fantastic.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Stars of EastEnders present. We like EastEnders, don't we?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23CHEERING
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And they need a new publican on that show, don't they? Incredible.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Now, the fellow here - the spud-faced man here -
0:01:28 > 0:01:31what's your name here, sir, with the serial killer beard?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Muah-ha-ha-ha! What's your name, pal?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Kerry?! Mmm.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Beautiful British name, comes from the ancient Celtic name meaning slightly camp, innit?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- What do you do, Kerry? - I'm a welder.- You're a welder!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53No, you're not, are you? Come on.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58There's not a welder with soft hands called Kerry in the world, is there, pal?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01What else we got? The young fella,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03with glasses - what's your name?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Will.- Will, a beautiful British name. What do you do?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- I'm a student.- You're a student, oh, great, fantastic.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- What are you studying, young man? - Radio production.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Radio production. Is that a proper job?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- Sort of.- It isn't, is it? I bet you've got asthma, haven't you?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20No!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Of course you have. You've got asthma, haven't you?- No.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- You've got asthma, haven't you?- No.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28"Ooh, I can't get down the stairs. I can't get back up.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31"I'm all right now." That's not proper old school asthma.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35In the old days, one kid had asthma, didn't he, just one child -
0:02:35 > 0:02:37the blue-faced boy at the back of the class.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42You probably think poetry doesn't have to rhyme as well, don't you, mate?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Yes.- You were excited about the release of Windows 7, weren't you?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53You're not normal, are you, Will? That's what it boils down to. You worry me,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57and I'll tell you why. I mean, you're a nice lad, but what you're forgetting,
0:02:57 > 0:03:02and everyone else here has remembered tonight - is that today is tomorrow's history.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Think about it. Today is tomorrow's history, yeah?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07History's written by the winners.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12French history books, of course, are blank from cover to cover. The point is...
0:03:12 > 0:03:16And I'm worried - what if the world ended right now?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20What if the world ended right now, and it could. The icecaps could melt. We'd all be drowned,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24couldn't we? Someone could leave the taps on. We could all be drowned.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27The greenhouse effect could take...effect, couldn't it?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31And the world would be plagued by a plague of tiny green unripe tomatoes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34It could happen, yeah?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Or the Chinese - all of them, all at once - all of the Chinese -
0:03:37 > 0:03:38could jump up and down -
0:03:38 > 0:03:43daah! Like that - and crack the Earth's crust. It could happen, Will.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48The thing with you, Will, is, I'm worried - what if archaeologists,
0:03:48 > 0:03:52in a million years time, and you know what archaeologists are like.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54They dig a hole. They find one leather shoe,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and they can paint a picture of an entire bloody city,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59based on the strength of one leather shoe.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02What if, in a million years time, they find you, Will,
0:04:02 > 0:04:06the sole surviving remnant of all human civilisation, yeah?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09They're going to think we're a bunch of wankers!
0:04:11 > 0:04:12It's not personal.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It's for the sake of everyone else, my friend.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21If, in a million years time, they find you at the bottom -
0:04:21 > 0:04:26they find an asthma inhaler, a tub of E45 cream,
0:04:28 > 0:04:34a book of blank verse, some subtitled French films,
0:04:34 > 0:04:35and the manual for Windows 7,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39and they look at you, and they look at us, and we will be judged.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44So, I'm offering you something, mate. What I want to do right now, for the sake of all mankind,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48is fix you, right now, live on stage, yeah? Up you come, Will.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50A round of applause for Will. Up you come, son.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Come, son! Welcome.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Look at them all. It's Will, ladies and gentlemen. It's Will.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Welcome. Yeah, you got any hobbies, Will?- I quite like tennis.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- You quite like tennis. - I quite like tennis.- Ah, I've got a lot of work to do here, haven't I?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You disgust me. Now, the...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It's a good game.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Shut up. Now, what we're going to do is dead simple.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26We're going to do compare and contrast between me and you -
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- normal - and Will, right?- OK.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- You up for this?- Yeah, why not.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Put your hands out like that -
0:05:33 > 0:05:35look, like that so everyone can see them.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- That's it, yeah? Now look at my hands.- Yeah.- Now look at your hands.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Now look at my hands. Now look at your hands.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Now look at my hands. Now look at your hands.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Now, tell me, Will, what have I got that you ain't?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- You've got two rings on.- No, no.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's not the rings. I'm pointing at the moon,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58and you're looking at my finger. You can't see the wood through the trees.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03What I've got that you haven't is class, innit?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- How so?- Well, look.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I'll sort you out, pal. Put this on, go on.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- It's too big!- Put it on!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Which finger?- Shut your face, and put it on.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13That one, you doughnut.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15There you go, and the other one,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17there you go. Here we go. Let's sort you out.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Yeah, you've got rubber bands on, ain't ya?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Rubber bands to show how much money you've given to charity!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27You arsehole. Eh? Shut up, shut up.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29We're nearly there, let's see it, let's see it.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Nearly. One last touch,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34one last touch for you, Will. Here we go, pal. How about this, yeah?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Put this on. Put this on, Will.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40There you go. Pop that on.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42There we go, fantastic.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Now take a look, you'll feel better. He looks better,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47doesn't he, gentleman?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Will, you're fixed, you're sorted.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53On your bike, pal. God bless you. Good luck, son, eh?
0:06:59 > 0:07:05You're beautiful people. That's how much it meant to me, mate.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Esther, can you give me a hand with this, love, yeah? Esther,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Esther Rantzen. Come on.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13APPLAUSE
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Ooh, may I say, Esther, the chassis's in fantastic order.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25It's been a year, love.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Thanks very much. Esther Rantzen there, ladies and gentlemen, doing up my clasp.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34God bless her. Now, I want to help you people. You're beautiful people,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37because people don't believe in anything any more.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I mean, Kerry, do you believe there's a God?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- I'm not sure.- You're not sure. Well, I will prove it for you now.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46It's dead easy. I'm not going to use any Bible blah blah or vicar waffle.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I'm going to do it with one simple thing,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52that everyone loves, that's touched the lives of everyone here tonight,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54and it is, of course, bacon.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Bacon proves the existence of God conclusively, and His infinite wisdom and mercy,
0:08:01 > 0:08:06because everyone loves bacon - even the vegetarians. They say they don't, but they love it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10The smell of bacon proves that aromatherapy isn't total bullshit.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Everyone loves bacon, everyone.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Bacon proves the existence of God, because Jesus died on a Friday,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21rose again on a Sunday, a very impressive achievement.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25You can't take that away from him. Give the boy a biscuit. But...
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Bacon means you can kill yourself with alcohol on a Friday night,
0:08:29 > 0:08:34and be fully resurrected Saturday morning with the application of just one bacon sandwich.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36That's a fact.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It proves the existence of God.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44And we've all - we've all had that Friday, haven't we? Yeah?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46When you get get home from the pub,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49get the front door open, slam the door behind us.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Tear off our clothes because of the raging fire of dehydration,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56that comes from taking too much fluid that science cannot explain.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59The useless nerds. At that point you collapse to the floor.
0:08:59 > 0:09:05You drag yourself through the hall towards the stairs like a beached walrus, naked, and in pain.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Urg, urrrh, rrrr.
0:09:09 > 0:09:16You haul yourself up the stairs. Urg, urrrh, boof, urrrh, boof.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Drag yourself across the landing towards the bathroom,
0:09:19 > 0:09:23snagging your ear on the strip of metal that separates the carpet from the lino.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Ahhh!
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Gather your senses, and then, begin the perilous assault on the rim of the bog.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh!
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Oh, oh, oh, ohhh!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Aaarrgh! Oh!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59You feel the cold ceramic kiss against your face.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You gaze down into the liquid abyss.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07A pork scratching falls out of your nose.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12The stale piss-water splashes back onto your face.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You start to drool uncontrollably...
0:10:16 > 0:10:20into the Toilet Duck. The fumes rise from the Toilet Duck into your eye
0:10:20 > 0:10:23and you start to cry back into the Toilet Duck.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28You're caught in an endless cycle of bodily fluid and chemical pain.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31You do one of those farts that could go either way.
0:10:34 > 0:10:40No way of knowing the damage till you check with your hands in the morning.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42For ten seconds you forget who you are.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Catch your reflection in the rippling bog-water...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58and you remember, and then, and only then,
0:10:58 > 0:11:02you begin a humiliating and disgusting process of passing out
0:11:02 > 0:11:04with your face on the rim of a toilet.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14HE SNORES
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Blargh!
0:11:16 > 0:11:17HE SNORES
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Blargh!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Who?! W-Where am I?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Can't you see I love you...?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Blargh!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You sleep fitfully for three hours.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32But then in the morning the miracle begins.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Down in the kitchen, a loved one...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38..a friend...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Esther Rantzen - cos you got lucky -
0:11:40 > 0:11:43puts on the gas, puts on the frying pan
0:11:43 > 0:11:45and puts some bacon in that pan.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48And the bacon begins to sizzle, and the bacon begins to spatter,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52and suddenly from the pan the bacon aroma leaps out into the kitchen
0:11:52 > 0:11:53fans its way through the house.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57It vectors through the hall patrolling for hung over life forms
0:11:57 > 0:11:58wherever it may find them.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Darts up the stairs, makes its way across the landing
0:12:01 > 0:12:04avoiding the strip of metal that separates the carpet from the lino.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09Fights its way through the frightful, fetid, fart-fug and finds you...
0:12:09 > 0:12:13There, lying on the toilet, face down.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15The only thing marking you out as a human being
0:12:15 > 0:12:19is the words "Armitage Shanks" tattooed in reverse on your forehead.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And the bacon sees you.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26And the bacon knows.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28It knows why it was sent to this planet.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30It knows why it spent three years living inside a pig.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34It knows why it was then mercilessly slaughtered, cut into strips,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36put in a vacuum pack and put in a supermarket.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38It knows why it was sent to this Earth.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39To save you!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42And as you take your last half-dozen breaths,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44the bacon vapour darts into your nostrils,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47deep into your brain and touches the bacon-receptor.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And the bacon-receptor sends out a message.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Wake up! Wake up!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54There's bacon! There's bacon!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Wake up! You love bacon! Everyone loves bacon!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Even the vegetarians love bacon!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Wake up - there might be eggs as well.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Wake up! Wake up!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07And as you feel it, the bacon-force makes its way through your body
0:13:07 > 0:13:09into the tips of your fingers, the tips of your toes
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and thanks to bacon, God's greatest gift of all,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16you are back from the dead. Do you believe ladies and gentlemen?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- Say, "Hallelujah, I believe" AUDIENCE:- Hallelujah, I believe!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Bacon, proving the existence of God. And you can't argue with the logic there.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE
0:13:32 > 0:13:36And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our first act of the evening.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Please show your appreciation for the comedy stylings of Mr Chris Addison.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Hello!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Hello! Hello!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Hello Hammersmith, you all right?
0:14:04 > 0:14:05- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Ah, lovely, thank you for coming out.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I was in Scotland, in...
0:14:09 > 0:14:10WHOOPING
0:14:10 > 0:14:11- Are you Scottish? - CHEERING
0:14:11 > 0:14:15The correct word is "aye" but we'll believe you for now.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Whereabouts are you from in Scotland?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Aberdeen.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Aberdeen! What an extraordinary town.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26They talk like that in Aberdeen because if they open their mouths
0:14:26 > 0:14:29any more, the wind will get in and they will freeze from the inside.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Astonishing town. It's great, Scotland. I love Scotland.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35They don't care what anyone thinks of them.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37That's what's great about the Scottish.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Any country whose inhabitants are prepared to take tossing the caber
0:14:42 > 0:14:44as its national game...
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Never mind about football,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I'm going to throw that tree!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55They won't play cricket cos it's a "waste of wood".
0:14:55 > 0:14:59They look at the stumps going, "Look, travel-caber!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01"Look at the wee cabers!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"Look at that!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I tell you who I think gets a bad press
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Pirates.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Right, and not these rubbish modern pirates.
0:15:11 > 0:15:17Don't like them. Lazy - can't be arsed going to the fancy-dress shop. No time for them.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I mean proper pirates, I mean the old pirates.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23You hear terrible things about them. Nobody ever talks about
0:15:23 > 0:15:26what brilliant role models for disabled people they were.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30But they were!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32They were. They were high achievers.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35They were the kings of the high seas.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37They were the terrors of Hispaniola,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and every single one of them had a disability.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44No leg, or a hook for a hand,
0:15:44 > 0:15:45or eye patch.
0:15:45 > 0:15:52Entire ships filled with disabled men ruling the oceans of the 18th century,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54with their own special mooring space in the harbour,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56that only they...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58were allowed to use.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01That bit nearer the pub than everybody else.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Entire ships with men with only one eye each!
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Think about that! That's where they got their reputation for aggression.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11They weren't ramming other ships out of violent intent,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13they just had no depth of vision.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18"Sorry mate, sorry. I thought you were on a bigger ship, further away.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"I apologise...
0:16:20 > 0:16:24"let's swap insurance details."
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Once the eye patch goes on, that's when the limbs start going.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Isn't it. Because of the increased likelihood of kitchen accidents.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36A pirate in the galley, chopping onions with a cutlass
0:16:36 > 0:16:39going pht-pht-pht-pht-pht. Ow!
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Ow! That smarts!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Ow, pass me a hook.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Good as new!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Happy pirate!
0:16:47 > 0:16:53I've never really understood why a hook was supposed to be an adequate substitute for a human hand
0:16:53 > 0:16:56unless pirates do actually run like Dodgems.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Maybe different pirates, with different roles, had different things.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08There would be one with a bottle opener for a hand,
0:17:08 > 0:17:09one with a spanner.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12A Swiss pirate with an arm that does everything.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17He'd collect an entire floating toolkit of pirates.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21The Black and Decker!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I love DIY because since the '90s we've been told that it makes us sophisticated. It doesn't.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33It's just a way of marking your territory. All animals mark their territory.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35They just do it differently. For example cats.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40Cats mark their territory... by urinating all over it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Seems to be cutting off your nose to spite your face, slightly.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47All this is mine!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51And I'm not sure that I want it now to be perfectly honest.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53It smells of wee.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Why did I not just paint a sign? Murray, get a cloth. That's cats.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00We mark our territory by doing DIY.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03That is why the first thing you do when you move into a new house
0:18:03 > 0:18:06is you take the idiot's wallpaper down, and you put yours up.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Now, here's a little tip if you want to be extra territorial next time you do this.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Take the idiot's wallpaper down. Before you put yours up,
0:18:13 > 0:18:18go to a DIY shop, buy a tin of blood-red paint,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21take it home and write on the wall, with the paint,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23"I will kill again!"
0:18:23 > 0:18:24All right.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Wait for it to dry, and then put your wallpaper up.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Now, you never actually get to see the punch line of this little practical joke,
0:18:42 > 0:18:47but you do get a lovely warm feeling, in about five years time, when you hand the keys over.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49That's a nice moment.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52And you can sit back down and watch Time Team.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I love Time Team. I love Time Team.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- SCATTERED CHEERING - Really?!
0:18:58 > 0:19:02That's really interesting that you cheer for that, you geeks!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07What I love most about Time Team is the scale of the lies!
0:19:07 > 0:19:12The lies they tell about tiny, crappy pieces of pot!
0:19:12 > 0:19:17"Ah well, yes. This, Tony, is very clearly a segment of milk-jug handle
0:19:17 > 0:19:19"- no I've not finished, wait -
0:19:19 > 0:19:23"This would have been owned by a big, fat woman called Brenda, right,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26"I can tell that by looking at it - shut up, I'm not finished -
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"with a harelip and a cousin in Gillingham." Liar!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32You liar! The only thing that archaeology can tell us,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35with 100% certainty, about ancient civilisations,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38is they were all skeletons who lived underground.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40That's it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43The rest is purely speculation, right?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46But it's amazing - the power of that programme.
0:19:46 > 0:19:4915 years ago, archaeology departments were shutting down.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54Now, you can't get a place to do it, cos middle-class children are queuing round the block.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59There are so many of them! The chances of any of us staying in our graves past about 50 years
0:19:59 > 0:20:02are pretty slim, right? Cos these buggers are going to need projects.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04So...
0:20:04 > 0:20:07This is our opportunity to put them off the scent.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Here, tonight, we'll make a pact. A word-of-mouth pact.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Don't text it, don't e-mail it. No written record must exist for these people to find.
0:20:14 > 0:20:20We will all agree to be buried in the same bizarre manner.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26So that 900 years from now, there'll be archaeologists digging us up going, "I can't understand it, Phil.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"Here's another one buried the same - arse in the air, surrounded by eight toasters."
0:20:32 > 0:20:36If you're prepared to put a bit of time and money into this,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40get yourself buried in a spring-loaded coffin. Right?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Designed so when they finally prise the coffin open,
0:20:48 > 0:20:53your body's propelled to a standing position. Your arms come out and a tape clicks on, going...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55# I am what I am
0:20:55 > 0:20:58# I am my own special creation. #
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Ladies and gentlemen at the Hammersmith Apollo, it's been a pleasure to talk to you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Thanks a lot. Good night.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Chris Addison, there, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I'll have a bit of that! Oh, yeah.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Well... There's no point hanging around now, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Let's crack on with the next act. Please welcome to the stage,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29live at the Apollo, it's Tim Vine!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Good evening.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I don't know why, but I keep getting my head kicked in.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57So, this bloke said to me, "Can you tell me your availability to run a football team in Sheffield?"
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I said, "I can't manage Wednesday."
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I saw a football game. They came on like that...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06# Der-der-der der-der der-der der-der. #
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It was "Charleston" Athletic.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I watched a football match in Japan. At the end, they started doing martial arts.
0:22:14 > 0:22:20I said to the bloke next to me, "What's going on?" He said, "Two minutes of 'ninja-ry' time."
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Then a referee walked in. I thought, "It's all going to kick off now."
0:22:29 > 0:22:31So, Eric Bristow came up to me.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34He said, "How come you put superglue on one of my darts?"
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I said, "You just can't let it go, can you?"
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Ripped all the hair off.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I was working in a health-food shop. This bloke said, "Evening primrose oil."
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I said, "Mr Vine to you."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56He said, "Soya chunks." I said, "You shouldn't have been looking."
0:23:00 > 0:23:04You see, the advantage of easy origami is two-fold.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Exit signs - they're on the way out, aren't they?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Velcro - what a rip-off. Come on!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I was in this horse race. I was like that...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I was disqualified for punching the horse in front.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27I got to the finishing line and got hit in the eye with an apple seed. Pipped at the post.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31D'you get that, when you're half-way through eating a horse and think,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to start tonight by...
0:23:40 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I'd like to start by telling you a bit about my personality.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I'm a very private, secretive person.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48That's it, really.
0:23:52 > 0:23:58During the Second World War, my granddad couldn't stop scribbling. He got hit by the "doodle bug."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01When I was in Vietnam, this fortune teller came up to me. He was on fire.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04He was a "napalm" reader.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10So, this bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother strict with you?"
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"My mother was never a young boy."
0:24:17 > 0:24:20At Pizza Express, I said, "Give me an American Hot."
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Next thing I know, big fat guy, Hawaiian shirt. "Can somebody open a window?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:30I saw a sign that said, "Watch out for our new menu." I looked round, it hit me in the face.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34I ordered dessert, he gave me tiramisu and a blindfolded horse.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I said, "No - mascarpone."
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Dale Winton came up to me. He said, "Tim, can I ask you a question?"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48He said, "Are you any good at impressions?"
0:24:48 > 0:24:49I said, "No."
0:24:52 > 0:24:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Now... No, please.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01I've got a lot to get through - don't start that.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Now, the big highlight of the show.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04There it is.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14But I think it's time for a bit of music. Let me tell you this - I'm actually totally deaf.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And, er, I never thought I'd hear myself say that.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22My favourite composer is Handel,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25who later teamed up with Hinge & Bracket to form The Doors.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Now, it's time to sing a song. I'm going to sing you a song. This song is called Alarm Bells.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Hit the music, please. Thank you very much.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38PIANO INTRO PLAYS
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# When a man wears trousers He's still a man
0:25:41 > 0:25:45# When a girl wears trousers She's still a girl
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# When your dad wears lipstick
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# Alarm bells
0:25:49 > 0:25:50# Alarm bells
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# Alarm bells
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# When the rollercoaster's fast It makes you feel high
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# When the rollercoaster spins The world whizzes by
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# When there's blood on the seats
0:26:02 > 0:26:04# Alarm bells
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# Alarm bells
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# Alarm bells
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# When an airline pilot says, "Fasten your seatbelts"
0:26:11 > 0:26:13# That's all right
0:26:13 > 0:26:16# When he says, "There's turbulence" It's just part of the flight
0:26:16 > 0:26:19# When you hear him say "What does that light mean?"
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# Alarm bells, alarm bells
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# Alarm bells
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# In your life, there are sights and smells
0:26:29 > 0:26:33# But listen out for those alarm bells
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# For example
0:26:35 > 0:26:39# I am now a quarter of the way through my act. #
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Alarm Bells. There they are, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54This bloke said to me, "Tim, do you know, Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world's worst film?"
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I said, "Warner Brothers?" He said, "I already have."
0:26:59 > 0:27:01At a record shop, I said, "What have you got by The Doors?"
0:27:01 > 0:27:04He said, "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket."
0:27:06 > 0:27:10My mum and dad are complete opposites. You couldn't hope to meet two such totally different blokes.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15My local police chief does a talk on heroin.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17So, you can't understand any of it.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I was mugged recently. I was at Victoria station, I was mugged and I burst into tears.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27A policeman came up to me. He said, "I'm fining you £10."
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I said, "For crying out loud!" He said, "Yes."
0:27:31 > 0:27:35I went to the cinema, saw a very sad film and the bloke behind started "wailing."
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I love reading. At the moment, I'm reading My Life by Bill Clinton.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Which freaked me out, cos I didn't know he knew anything about my life.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54This bloke said, "I've got bubonic plague."
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I said, "Don't give me that."
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Ladies and gentlemen, I'll leave you with this.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Well, I didn't bring it with me.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08I had dinner with my boss and his wife. It was a complete disaster.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11His wife said, "How many potatoes would you like?" I said, "Just one."
0:28:11 > 0:28:17She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." I said, "All right, then. Just one, you stupid cow."
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Thank you very much. Good night and God bless.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Vine!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Tim Vine, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33And now,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35it's time to say goodbye.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Thanks for watching Live At The Apollo, with Chris Addison, Tim Vine and me, Al Murray the Pub Landlord.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41See you again.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:05 > 0:29:08E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk