0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight, Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hello!
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Hello, Live At The Apollo!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Hello. Give us a cheer! Are you well, Hammersmith?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Are you well? Hello, hello. Yes, it's me.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54It's me off the telly!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56AUDIENCE CHEER
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I am the man in the Visit Wales ads.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00AUDIENCE CHEER
0:01:00 > 0:01:02AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY
0:01:06 > 0:01:08They're all right, those adverts, aren't they?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12- AUDIENCE: Yes!- What's wrong with it? Wales is quite cool, now. Come on.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16It's quite... We've got Gavin And Stacey. Come on.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Eh? And Larry Lamb is here. Look at that.
0:01:19 > 0:01:25Larry Lamb, ladies and gentlemen! The lovely Larry Lamb from Gavin And Stacey.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Although you do have to question the wisdom and judgment of a man with the surname Lamb,
0:01:29 > 0:01:34who turns up when a Welshman is hosting Live At The Apollo.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39"What am I doing?"
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Those adverts are all right, aren't they - my "come to Wales" ads?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44CHEERING
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Thank you, two of you.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49They've been very successful, those adverts, I'll have you know,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52in bringing millions and millions of tourists to Wales.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55The numbers have gone through the roof.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58How many of you have been to Wales as a direct result of seeing my advert?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00A FEW PEOPLE CHEER
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Piss off!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Why haven't you been? Two of you!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Why haven't the rest of you been?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Wales is all right. It's not shit any more. We've done it up.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15We've had development money. We've done...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Cardiff Bay - have you been there? Go there on holiday.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21It's lovely. We've done it all up. You've got cafes and bars.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24You've got the sea down there now. It's amazing.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28It's true. Down where the shit was, that's all sea now, most of it.
0:02:30 > 0:02:36Cardiff Bay - I was there not long ago. Some of these restaurants have got tables outside!
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Al-fresco dining in Cardiff, for...! They're having a laugh, aren't they?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45I tried to have a Twix at a bus stop in Wales a few years ago. It was...
0:02:45 > 0:02:49It was too wet to eat, to be honest with you.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Everyone's pretending it's Madrid. Come on, we'll sit outside!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Your soup bowl's filling up faster than you can eat it, for Christ's sake!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Stop raining!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59You never get past your starters.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03After seven hours of soup and rainwater, you give up.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08It's true. Your gin and tonic's overflowing. The little umbrella's blown inside out.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Turn it back into the wind! Turn it back into the wind!
0:03:12 > 0:03:17There's waiters with frosted eyebrows fighting their way to the tables.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20"Spaghetti carbonara! Spaghetti carbonara!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Zzoong! "I'll get another one! I'll get another one!"
0:03:24 > 0:03:27There's people throwing lifebuoys to their bread rolls.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"I'll pull you in! I'll pull you in!"
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Peas being airlifted to safety.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Ah, ladies and gentlemen, would you like to meet some more celebs?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39AUDIENCE CHEER
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Keeley Hawes is here as well. Ashes To Ashes team. Where are they?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- AUDIENCE CHEER - Ashes to Ashes.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47That is about... Correct me... It's a bit complicated.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- You play a London cop...- Yes.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53..who got shot and woke up in the '80s?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- Yes.- Seems a lot of trouble to go to. Why don't you just come back to Wales with me tonight?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03You'll wake up surrounded by mullets, shoulder pads, offensive attitudes to women and race.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You'd love it.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06And you might get shot. Who knows?
0:04:08 > 0:04:12If I was going to go back to any decade, I wouldn't choose the '80s.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15The '70s were the best, weren't they?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Give me a cheer, '70s kids.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19CHEERING
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Yeah. The '70s were... Cos you do the voice for Lara Croft as well, don't you?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26See, we didn't have all those computer games in the '70s.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28We had real games, didn't we?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Do you remember the games we used to have in the '70s? Mouse Trap - who remembers that?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Remember Mouse Trap, where you wound the crank and it turned the gears,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39pushed the rod against the boot that kicked the bucket
0:04:39 > 0:04:43with the ball that rolled down the stairs, round the drainpipe, hit the lever, into the tub,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46fell through the hole onto the diving board, flipped the diver onto the tab,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49released the cage on top of the little mouse?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Do you remember that?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Do you remember that?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56We didn't have that.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Guess Who?, as well.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03We had the Welsh version.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Anybody else see the Welsh version of Guess Who?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"Does she have a moustache?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"No."
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Well, it's Bronwyn."
0:05:23 > 0:05:25'70s were the best, ladies and gentlemen.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Who else have we got in? Let's have a look.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Ladies and gentlemen, we have Peter Sissons in the house. Peter Sissons!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34And Krishnan Guru-Murthy, ladies and gentlemen!
0:05:34 > 0:05:36The newsreaders are here!
0:05:36 > 0:05:39The newsreaders are in.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Why is it... I've been meaning to ask you this.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48Why is it that every disaster in the world is always the size of Wales, Peter?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Every single bloody disaster
0:05:52 > 0:05:54in the world is the size of Wa...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56You hate us, don't you?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I can see some of you nodding. I don't need you to tell me.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You can see it in your eyes every night on the news.
0:06:02 > 0:06:08You can hear it in your tone of voice. "Today, an area the size of Wales was destroyed by fire."
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"Today, an area the size of Wales was devastated by floods."
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Why don't you just say what you're thinking? We can see what you mean.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18"Today, an area the size of Wales, but not bloody Wales!"
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Peter Sissons, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Where's Krishnan? Why is the news always so depressing?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Can't you give us a bit of good news? It's always so gloomy.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39If it's not swine flu, it's the recession or climate change.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42In a few weeks, it'll be the snow, won't it?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45That'll be what you'll get us worried about. You'll have us all...
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Everybody down the shops'll be bloody stocking up, won't they? Cos you say the snow's coming.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Everybody will be buying all the bread, all the eggs, all the milk.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Quick! Buy all the bread, all the eggs..."
0:06:54 > 0:06:59Cos if the bomb drops, we'll have a massive bread-and-butter pudding, won't we?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01"Panic buying" you call it.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Where do you get that phrase "panic buying"?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"People are panic buying." No, they're not, Krishnan.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Nobody's panic buying. They're stocking up a bit.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13At times of genuine panic, people do not go shopping, Krishnan!
0:07:14 > 0:07:19"Quick! John's having a panic attack. Where's my Advantage card? I had it here somewhere.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23"Quick! 999." "Which service?" "Argos, obviously."
0:07:23 > 0:07:26People don't go shopping in times of genuine pa...
0:07:26 > 0:07:30I suppose you think as the Titanic went down, the gift shop was heaving, do you?
0:07:32 > 0:07:38I bet it was rammed there. I bet you couldn't move for people trying on Titanic hats and T-shirts.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"Can I try this on?" "Yeah, just swim through to the back. That's the way."
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"Can I bring it back if the wife doesn't like it?"
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"You'll have to be quick. The returns desk has just gone under."
0:07:47 > 0:07:50No wonder there's no room on the lifeboats -
0:07:50 > 0:07:53they're full of souvenirs according to you, aren't they?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54"Take my child, take my child!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:58"Piss off! He sat on my Toblerone. Get him out of here!"
0:07:58 > 0:08:02"Man overboard and he's got my snow globe!"
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Dear, dear!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Oh! Do you know, the last time I was here, I, er...
0:08:10 > 0:08:11I had a bit of a...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I had a bit of a rant.
0:08:16 > 0:08:23I did. I was having a bit of a whinge and a moan about torches with the power of a million candles.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26And the tog rating system.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I was having a bit of a moan, but honestly...
0:08:30 > 0:08:32The press had a right go at me.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35They all said the things I talk about are trivial.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Can you... Can you...
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Honestly. The Daily Telegraph leading the bloody charge, obviously.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Have we got any Daily Telegraph readers? Give me a cheer.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44A FEW PEOPLE CHEER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Where are you, you pompous twat? Who said that?
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Do you know what The Daily Telegraph said? The things I talk about are trivial.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57Do you know what they said? "He rants and raves about such minor irritations as buying a duvet."
0:08:57 > 0:09:00That's what they said. It's not a minor irritation.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02It probably is to you, Daily Telegraph -
0:09:02 > 0:09:05you've got a team of highly trained bedding staff at home, haven't you?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You've got more important things to worry about.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13You're too busy worrying about whether your ancestral quiff will fit in the new Range Rover.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18You probably know all about the tog rating system.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Togs are probably on the curriculum at Eton or Harrow, or wherever you went to school.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The rest of us plebs have got no idea about togs, have we?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Tell the prick! - AUDIENCE CHEER
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Honestly! I was trying to make a general point.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38I was trying to make a general point about people talking bollocks when you're trying to buy things.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42That's what I was trying to do. I realised the other day... It winds me up so much.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I realised the other day, I'd been buying washing powder for over 20 years,
0:09:46 > 0:09:50with no bloody idea whether to buy bio or non-bio. Have you?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Have you got any idea of the difference between bio...?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56To bio or not to bio? That's the question, isn't it?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I've given up buying washing powder. I'll level with you.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Ah, I've given up. I've given up buying washing powder.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07What's the bloody point in buying washing powder anyway? My washing machine's a prick.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Oh, it is! It doesn't matter whether I buy bio or non-bio.
0:10:10 > 0:10:16Whatever side of the drawer I put the powder in, the water comes down the other frigging side anyway.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I go left, he goes right. I go right, he goes left. Sometimes I wait for the water,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23put it in that side and the bugger switches on me halfway through.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Why is washing your clothes so bloody complicated?
0:10:27 > 0:10:33"Are they wool? Are they delicates? Silk? Cottons? Colourfast cotton? Non-colourfast cotton delicates?"
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I don't know! I didn't make the bloody things. I'm not Ozwald Boateng!
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I never said I had a 2:1 from Oxford in textile engineering.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45I said I've got a number-two stain in my boxers that'll take a bit of clearing.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Just wash the clothes!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Just wash the clothes. Wash the clothes.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Stop asking stupid questions. "What spin speed do you want? What temperature should I make the water?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00"Should I wash them now or delay the start?" That's the latest thing.
0:11:00 > 0:11:06Have you got a delay-start button on your machine? Cos we only come down early to beat the crowds, didn't we?
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Are you going to hold off in case I change my mind, washing machine, is that it?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14In case shit stains suddenly come into fashion this afternoon?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Let's wait for the FTSE to close, shall we?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Maybe dirty pants'll finish the day strongly - who knows?
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Maybe the Americans will invent a car that runs on underwear scrapings. You never know, do you?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"Extra, extra! Read all about it! Skid marks up two points."
0:11:31 > 0:11:36"Well, thanks, washing machine. That was a close call. I almost washed those pants."
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Ask me useful questions. Why doesn't it ask us useful questions?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Have I left a tenner in my jeans?" That would be useful, wouldn't it?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Not, "Do you want to pre-wash the clothes?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"Oh, yeah. Don't wash them without giving them a quick wash first. Don't make that mistake!"
0:11:50 > 0:11:54What is pre-wash? Does anybody know what pre-wash...
0:11:54 > 0:11:58What is...? Do the clothes get some kind of briefing in there? Is that what happens?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02"Listen up, clothes. The water's coming down in a minute. Any questions?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:06"Yeah, which side is it coming down today?" "No word on that yet, I'm afraid.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"We'll know more once the powder goes in, I imagine."
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Ooh!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for me to introduce...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19the very special guest this evening?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:12:21 > 0:12:26Ladies and gentlemen of Hammersmith, live at the Apollo, would you please welcome to the stage
0:12:26 > 0:12:31our special guest for this evening, Mr John Bishop!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34MUSIC: "Four to the Floor" by Starsailor
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Hello.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Hello.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Good evening, ladies and gentlemen? How are you?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51AUDIENCE CHEER Good, good.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Ladies and gentleman, my name's John.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I'm from Liverpool.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57AUDIENCE CHEER Thank you. Thank you.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Nice to be here.
0:12:58 > 0:13:04Nice that the BBC have put a show on with an angry Welshman and a Scouser.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I think we all know someone somewhere's getting a grant.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I bought a new car recently and, er...
0:13:16 > 0:13:19And I'm not bragging - it's a people carrier.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24Yeah, which is the motor-vehicle equivalent of corduroy slacks.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28It's like saying to the rest of the world, "Look, I've give up, to be honest.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"Just want a bit of space and some comfort now, and, er..."
0:13:39 > 0:13:43And I bought this people carrier, and I took it to my dad.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Cos that's what you do now.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Getting a new car is the modern equivalent of a kill.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You get a new car and you take it to your dad and you go,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"Look, Dad, I've caught a machine."
0:13:55 > 0:14:00And my dad come out and went, "Look, our John's caught a machine."
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Well, my dad's different. He's of that different generation.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06He wants to look at cars in an entirely different way.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08He wants to look at the engine.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13So I let him look at the engine, cos I would never tell my dad I have no idea what he's looking at.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18I couldn't tell my dad that. I couldn't tell my dad I don't know anything about cars.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21That would be like telling my dad I've got a favourite musical.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27It's just not a conversation a northern son can have with his dad.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I couldn't tell him I'm in the RAC.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36It'd be like telling him I go morris dancing. It's just not what we do.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40So he comes out, he's looking at the car, he gets in my car.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45That's when he found what's got to be the most ridiculous invention on the planet.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48He gets in the car, we turn the heater on
0:14:48 > 0:14:53and that's when we find in my car, we've got two temperature controls.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58You turn the heater and then here, in the driver's seat,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01you can set your own temperature.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04And then there, in the passenger seat,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07you can set your own temperature.
0:15:07 > 0:15:13It's there! You can have a different climate between here and there.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15How pointless is that?
0:15:15 > 0:15:20In my car, you can have 19 degrees of difference between here...
0:15:20 > 0:15:24and there. When are you ever going to use that?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Unless you're an Eskimo giving an African a lift.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39And what was worse about it... I got in the car and I drove away.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I drove away from my dad and I did something that you only ever do once.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I poured petrol into a diesel car.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52You can feel the pain, can't you? It's horrible.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57It's horrible. Cos every man in this room knows that pouring petrol into a diesel car
0:15:57 > 0:16:00is just like pouring gin into a woman.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07It is. Cos you know at some point during the evening, she's gonna break down.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17And that's what happened. I poured petrol into a diesel car and I drove off,
0:16:17 > 0:16:22and after about five miles, it coughed and it spluttered and it broke down.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26And I was sat there in the driver's seat, in my shorts and T-shirt.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30My wife was sat next to me in her hat and coat.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38The dashboard lights were flashing like mad and, cos she's a woman,
0:16:38 > 0:16:43she thinks the dashboard lights are flashing like mad to indicate what's wrong with the car.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47But because I'm a man, I know what every man in this room knows -
0:16:47 > 0:16:51that when those dashboard lights flash, they flash in Morse code,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and that Morse code's saying, "You're a knobhead!"
0:16:56 > 0:17:00And it was horrible. If you've ever been in this situation, the car won't move.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03There's nowhere you can go. I phoned the RAC.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06He said, "There's nothing you can do. I've got to take your car away.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09"You've got to get someone to come and give you a lift."
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Well, in those situations, you only think of one person,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15so I phoned my dad.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19That was the worst decision I have ever made in my life.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Because my dad turned up when the RAC van was still there,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27and we know they don't do anything subtle.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30They turn up in a big bleeding orange van, with a big orange light on it,
0:17:30 > 0:17:34so that people in passing planes know you're a dickhead.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38He turned up, he got out the car. I could see the look of disappointment on his face.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43He came walking over to me, he looked at me. He said, "What happened, son?"
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I'm trying to think of something brilliant and mechanical that I couldn't possibly fix.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I couldn't think of anything.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53It was OK, because, obviously, my wife was there, so she decided to help.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59"He poured petrol in a diesel car, didn't you, you dickhead?"
0:18:01 > 0:18:04And it was like a pain going into me dad's heart.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It was a dagger of disappointment.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I could see the pain in his eyes as he looked at me.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12He said, "You did what?" And I didn't know what to say.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I just didn't know what to say. I had nothing to offer as an excuse.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I just looked at him. I said, "Well...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20"I've never had a diesel car before, Dad."
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And my dad something that only a dad would say. He just looked at me.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30He said, "Listen, son, you don't have to own a sheep to know what not to put in it."
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I've got to be honest - I still don't understand what that means.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43But that's how dads communicated with that generation,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46and things have changed. Things have changed.
0:18:46 > 0:18:53I've got three kids and you want, as a dad, to understand your kids and you want your kids to understand you.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57And it's very difficult, cos my kids are teenagers now and it's hard to relate.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01In fact, one of them just thinks I'm a knob, to be honest.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I only know this cos he's one of those kids you get in shopping centres, you know,
0:19:05 > 0:19:10with the skinny jeans and the white pumps and the colourful hoodies,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13and they have hair hanging down and they all hug each other,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16and you can't tell what's a boy or a girl.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Yeah, I've got one of them and, er...
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I've got to be honest with you - I'm not sure the same one comes home each night.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35And he had a thing recently called a sleepover,
0:19:35 > 0:19:39which has got to be the most inappropriately named activity on the planet.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44It should be called "why not have a load of teenagers you don't know in your house,
0:19:44 > 0:19:50"eating everything in the fridge till 4am, when they have a big row and everyone ends up crying" over.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58And it was during this sleepover, I walked past his bedroom
0:19:58 > 0:20:00and I heard one of his... One of his...mates.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I heard...
0:20:02 > 0:20:07I heard one of them say, "You know what? It must be dead cool having a dad who's a comedian."
0:20:07 > 0:20:11To which, my son said, "No, he's a knob."
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I have got three kids, as I say.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23My oldest lad's nearly 15, but they operate in a different world now.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Kids now, they become more... more sexualised quicker.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29They're more interested in sex than we were.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Much more interested. I mean, I lost my virginity at 17.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I found it again when I got married, but...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Now, kids are driven towards it, driven towards it.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46I was in the living room with his mum one night. It was about midnight.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49It wasn't me birthday or anything, but she'd had half a bottle of wine,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52so I thought, "Well, you never know."
0:20:55 > 0:21:00And my wife's like every woman in this room, who knows when a text message is coming before it arrives.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04They've got this instinct, haven't they? Where they just turn into meerkats and they go...
0:21:04 > 0:21:07I'm in the living room with her. It's about midnight.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09All of sudden she goes like that.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15She goes into the kitchen, picks up his mobile phone, which is on silent.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Brings it in. She said, "He's just got a text message." I said, "Turn the phone off."
0:21:21 > 0:21:23She said, "It's midnight, he's 14, he's just got a text."
0:21:23 > 0:21:29I said, "Well, turn the phone off." She said, "It's midnight, he's 14, he's just got a text message.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"I'm going to read it."
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I said, "Whoa! You're not going to read it." She said, "I'm his mum. I'm going to read it."
0:21:36 > 0:21:40I said, "I'm his dad. You won't read it." She said, "I'm his mum. I'm going to read it."
0:21:40 > 0:21:41I said, "All right, have a look."
0:21:44 > 0:21:46She got this text message.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50She opened it and it read,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52"I want to shag you."
0:21:54 > 0:21:56The first thing that went through my mind
0:21:56 > 0:22:00is the same that went through every man's mind in this room... "You lucky..."
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Second thing that went through my mind was, "I hope that's not Mr Jenkins, cos..."
0:22:12 > 0:22:16No, it was a good school report, to be honest.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Next thing, she looks at it and she says, "No, it's off some girl he's friendly with."
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I said, "Very good." She said, "It's not very good."
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I said, "What d'you mean, 'not very good'?"
0:22:25 > 0:22:30She said, "Well, it's time, innit?" I said, "Time for what?" She said, "It's time for the conversation."
0:22:30 > 0:22:36I said, "What conversation?" She said, "It's time you and him sat down and had the conversation."
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I said, "What conversation?" She said, "The conversation.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"It's time you had the conversation with him."
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I said, "I'm struggling with THIS conversation!"
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I said, "What are you talking about?"
0:22:49 > 0:22:51She said, "The conversation.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54"The conversation. The father-son conversation.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"The kind of conversation that your dad must have had with you."
0:22:58 > 0:22:59I said, "What?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I said, "You've seen my dad.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08"He's got tattoos of swallows on the back of his hands.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"How many 'conversations' do you think we've ever had?
0:23:12 > 0:23:17"If it doesn't involve, 'What's the score?' I don't think we've spoke for seven years."
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I come down the following morning.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27His brothers are in the kitchen, giggling, cos they know what's going on.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I walk in. He's sat in the living room, sat on the couch.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35I have to walk in. And I know, at this point, that this is an important conversation.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37This is a pivotal conversation.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39This is a moment where I'm going to educate him
0:23:39 > 0:23:43about things like love and sex and life and relationships.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I know that, but I'm not equipped for it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So I walk in, I sat next to him on the couch.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I just give him a dead arm. I don't know why I did that.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I just thought it would break the ice a little bit.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I looked at him. He looked at me. I went, "Erm..."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I said, "Er...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"So listen, son, er...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"This isn't my idea, er...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18"But I was with your mum last night and, er, you know what she's like.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"She's like a meerkat. 'Ooh-ooh!' She goes, gets your phone.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25"I said, 'Don't!' She said, 'I want to look.' I said, 'Don't.' She said, 'I want to...'"
0:24:25 > 0:24:28He said, "Dad, is this about sex?" and then I went red.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35I thought, "What am I supposed to say?" Cos this generation don't use words to explain everything.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Everything's visual, everything's on YouTube, everything's on the Net.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42I thought, "The best way I can explain sex to him now is in a visual way.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"And the best way I can do that is by sticking a porno on."
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I didn't, I didn't! Cos I realised at the end I would've had to say,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53"To be honest with you, son, they're not normally that enthusiastic.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04"And I've got to be honest with you - it's very rare they bring a mate."
0:25:06 > 0:25:11And I also didn't want him growing up thinking you get a plumber round every 20 minutes.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14But it is. It's a difficult thing.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18And also - as I say - me, I've been married now, er...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22..forever. Er...
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I've been married now 16 years on and off.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29And I say that because we've all reached that point, haven't we?
0:25:29 > 0:25:33I've emigrated from Liverpool. Now I live in Manchester.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34And, er...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38And I live there cos I met a girl there. I met a girl there.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Met a girl in college. I fell in love,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43we got married,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45we had three kids and then, er...
0:25:45 > 0:25:50We reached that point when you've been married for seven or eight years, where you wake up one morning,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52look at each other and think,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56"Wouldn't it be better if you just pissed off and lived somewhere else?"
0:26:03 > 0:26:06And it just hits you, doesn't it?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And you do your best. You get through it.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13I think you can probably measure a relationship by the way you give each other presents.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I remember when I was first married to me wife. The first Christmases.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I used to love Christmas then. It was special, Christmas, then.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25What I used to do every Christmas then, I used to get her a special present, one special present.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27And I'd hide that. And then I used get her little presents.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32I'd hide the little presents round the house and they were all clues as to where the special present was.
0:26:32 > 0:26:38Then I used to get a CD, and on the CD I used to put all the songs she'd listened to throughout the year.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42And I'd play the CD while she looked for all the presents.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47And every time she found a little present, she'd look at me and her little nose'd wrinkle up like that.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50And she had little dimples and she'd go, "Ooh," and I'd go "Ooh!"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01But you know, after 16 years...
0:27:02 > 0:27:04The way they bleedin' breathe.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11It's just constant, innit? You know what I mean?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Every day. In and out, in and out.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25And it's hard when you're getting older as well. It's hard when you're getting older.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29I'm over 40 now and, you know, that's a difficult time for any man.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34It's a difficult time for any man, cos it's like God's having a laugh with you when you get over 40.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38The first pubic hair. The first grey pubic hair.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Oh, that's a shock.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44That is a shock. That really, really tells you how old you've become,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47when you look down and see your first grey pubic hair.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51That was a real shock to the system.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I had to say to my missus, "Listen, love, you're going to have to tidy that up.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02"I'm doing my best here, for Christ's sake! I'm dressed as a fireman. Come on!"
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Ladies and gentlemen, I've been John Bishop. You've been wonderful. Thank you, good night and God bless.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Bishop! Give it up!
0:28:32 > 0:28:36You have been a wonderful audience.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38This has been Live At The Apollo. I am Rhod Gilbert.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Thank you very, very much for coming.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Thank you and good night.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:05 > 0:29:08E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk