0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight...
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Are you all right?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Thank you, thank you very much.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Lovely to be here, my name's Ed, I'll be your host for this evening.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59We have some celebrities in the audience as well. Lembit Opik, how are you, sir?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Welcome.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03BOOING
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Oh, don't boo.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Be fair.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10You just couldn't not be here, could you, sir?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13You heard there'd be people, you heard there'd be cameras,
0:01:13 > 0:01:19there might be a chance there'd be some celebrity spare kicking around. You couldn't not be here.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Lembit Opik, MP, or as I call him Lembit Opik, PM -
0:01:26 > 0:01:33pussy magnet. I have nothing but admiration! You are an incredible man. How do you do it?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- I don't know.- Don't give me that "women are attracted to power" bullshit.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39You're a Lib Dem, how do you do it?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I'm jealous. Purely from a place of jealousy, sir.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Thank you for being here, anyway.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Claire Richards from Steps, let's just call you Claire from Steps, bit of fun.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- You just got married recently, did you not? - A year ago, yeah.- You did.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I just got married recently that's why I wanted to talk to you because I just got married recently
0:02:01 > 0:02:05and the fact that I just wanted to hear what you sound like when you're not miming.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- When did you get married, how long ago?- A year ago.- A year ago, me too, just over a year.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Is this your husband here?- Yeah. - What's your name, sir?- Reece.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Reece, welcome, welcome.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- And are you enjoying being married? - It's fantastic.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Fantastic, wasn't that beautiful Claire, wasn't that lovely?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31It's great when you offer a man a chance to be romantic and he takes it with both hands.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's also nice when he messes it up, though, it has to be said.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I was doing a gig in Wolverhampton and there was a guy in the audience and they'd just got married.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I asked him in front of his bride if he was enjoying being married.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It was wonderful. He was winning and then he arsed it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48You know, are you enjoying being married, he went "Yeah, it's all right." Oh!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50You were doing so well.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I love it. I think, being married, it's great.
0:02:54 > 0:03:00I don't know if you find this, guys, people confer more respect on your relationship when you're married.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02People are like, "Your girlfriend seems nice,"
0:03:02 > 0:03:05actually that's my wife. "Oh, sorry I won't look at her tits again."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You suddenly get treated like a grown up.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12People are like, "Are you ready to order, sir?" Actually I'm still waiting for my wife.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"Perhaps you would like to see the wine list."
0:03:18 > 0:03:21There's loads of things I love about being married - I love the ring,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I love the title of husband and wife, but I think my favourite thing is,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28and I've only been married just over a year, but I think my favourite thing is,
0:03:28 > 0:03:34since I've been married I haven't had to plan a poxy wedding. That's been great.
0:03:34 > 0:03:40I wake up every morning and go, "Oh, no wedding planning to do today, ain't married life grand?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Because Reece, sir, I don't know about you, but I basically spent a year of my life
0:03:44 > 0:03:47arguing about shit I didn't give a shit about. Oh, yeah.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You have to deal with wedding people as well.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Wedding people, with the best will in the world, are arseholes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01People who work in the wedding industry. Also, did you find this?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Every one of them so determined their corner of the wedding is the most important part
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and they can't all be that important.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10We were being shown around a venue by a guy and he was already annoying me.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13He was showing us around this venue, which we didn't end up at.
0:04:13 > 0:04:19But he said this thing to us. first of all, he said, "Would you be wanting to hire our chandeliers?"
0:04:19 > 0:04:24You're not throwing in the lights for free. Really?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28You want us to pay for something that's going to cost you money to take down.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32So, we are looking at each other, myself and my fiancee, you know we haven't even thought about it,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35let's just say no. They say, "Well, you have to think about it."
0:04:35 > 0:04:40You have to think about whether or not your wedding is adequately reflecting you as a couple.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46I think you need to think about whether or not your face will adequate deflect a frying pan
0:04:46 > 0:04:47because you're annoying us.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And Captain Violence is going to go down pretty soon.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54It's not that difficult, it's not rocket science.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It's very simple, really, four simple rules - feed them,
0:04:57 > 0:04:58water them, don't marry a bitch,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01make sure the best man doesn't get his cock out during his speech.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07And if it's an Irish wedding, two out of four will do, really.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14We went to a wedding fair. Did you go to a wedding fair, Claire?
0:05:14 > 0:05:19- You did. Reece, did you go with her? Lots of them. You went to a lot? - Lots.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well done, sir. I only went to the one. You have my greatest admiration.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24You and I understand that, it's a bit like Vietnam.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27You wouldn't understand, you weren't there, man.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29You understand the pain of the wedding fair.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33I went to a wedding fair. Obviously she went as well, I didn't go on my own.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Very rare you see a man on his own at a wedding fair.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39What a shame she couldn't come she would have loved it here.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Look, at these mini wedding cakes, aren't they darling?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I give that marriage two weeks.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57We met some invites people there, who we did not end up using.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01For the simple fact of how much they want to charge us to invite 150 people to a wedding.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Did you do your own invites or did you have someone do them for you?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Someone else did them.- That's great, Reece, she didn't even know.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Claire... "I have no idea.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"I think people just read about it in the press and showed up."
0:06:15 > 0:06:19We had someone do them as well and I don't know how much yours cost, but we were quoted for wedding
0:06:19 > 0:06:25that 150 people were coming to, we got quoted for invites £1,700.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Oh!- I love that sound.
0:06:27 > 0:06:34I love the sound you've just made. I wish the guy was here now to hear you all make that sound.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Tell them how much you wanted to charge us for invites.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Tell them.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Did you hear that, yeah? Did you feel how we nearly got sucked into the stalls by the intake of breath?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Now, piss off.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57£1,700! Are you high?
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Have you been drinking your own ink?
0:07:02 > 0:07:07That's enough to catch a flight back to planet earth from wherever you live, invite man.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12It's not just the cost either, it's not just the pounds value.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17I can imagine the conversation, particularly between me and my single male friends.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22Me on the phone going, "Yeah, the wedding's on the 5th June, it's in Derbyshire, can you make it?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"You can? Give us your address so I can send you an invite."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27"Does this not count as an invite?" Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you?
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Here's the problem - the wedding's currently running under budget to the tune of £1,700.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Did the wedding list as well. That's a curious tradition, the wedding list, isn't it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Buy us presents, but don't use your imagination, we'll have none of that.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53We are spoilt children and these are the things we want. Buy us these, please.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56At first I got into the wedding list, I thought it would be quite cool
0:07:56 > 0:07:58having all your friends be Santa Claus.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02You can't have anything you want on a wedding list. Certain things don't go.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Xbox 360 games don't go on a wedding list. Did you know that?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11They can go on the list, but they'll have mysteriously disappeared from the list
0:08:11 > 0:08:13next time you go to check the list,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16replaced by something called a soup tureen.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Not 100% sure what a soup tureen even is, to be honest with you,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25but I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a slayer mode.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37We could have anything we wanted and all we asked for was knives, forks, cups, plates, saucers.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Shit we already had! We've been living together for two and a half years.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43We haven't been eating out of our hands for two and a half years.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Have some more stew there, love, not too hot this time.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Seriously, baby, we have got to get married. This is bullshit.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58We already had knives and forks, plates, cups and saucers,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01but now we had to get fancy knives and forks, plates and cups and saucers
0:09:01 > 0:09:06for all the entertaining of foreign dignitaries we are going to be doing now that we are married.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09All of them bastards that didn't want to come to the house when we were living in sin
0:09:09 > 0:09:12for fear it would besmirch their political reputation.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"Oh, they are married now. OK, break out the Ferrero Rocher."
0:09:17 > 0:09:22Of course your other option in all this madness is to get yourself a wedding planner,
0:09:22 > 0:09:27which is the wedding equivalent of debt consolidation.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33Rather than dealing with various different arseholes with varying levels of arseholery,
0:09:33 > 0:09:38you get yourself one 18 carat stone-cold wanker.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm being a bit mean, but what it comes down to is a wedding planner's job
0:09:47 > 0:09:51is to make sure your wedding is the most expensive thing that ever happens to you.
0:09:51 > 0:09:57Every time they try and juice you for another few hundred here or another couple of hundred there,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00while they are getting kickbacks, every time they try and juice you
0:10:00 > 0:10:04for that bit more, the clarion cry is always, "It's the happiest day of your life.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"Oh, you don't want to scrimp on the happiest day of your life.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"You don't want to look back, 'We should have done that differently,'"
0:10:10 > 0:10:14"on the happiest day of your life. Give me your money! The happiest day of your life!"
0:10:14 > 0:10:17All the details are all going to matter on the happiest day of your life.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21And I am thinking, "Surely if there's one day
0:10:21 > 0:10:26"where the little details don't matter, it's the happiest day of your life."
0:10:26 > 0:10:30If there's ever going to be a day where you're just going to let shit slide,
0:10:30 > 0:10:35it's the day you are distracted by how happy you are. It's the happiest day of my life. It's finally here!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38But his tie doesn't match your shoes, right I'm going home.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42It's the happiest day of my life. I've found her.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47I've found the woman I love more than I ever even thought it possible to love another human being
0:10:47 > 0:10:50and I'm standing up in front of the people she likes the best
0:10:50 > 0:10:53and the people she likes the best of the people I know.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Reece really liked that, Claire. I just want to tell you.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09But it's a happy day! Who cares if somebody had the bad taste
0:11:09 > 0:11:11to put the wrong kind of flowers on the table centres?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15On a really happy day, little details do not matter.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Case in point. I'm telling you this because it's fact. It helps my argument.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I am not trying to show off or brag, I'm just telling you this to prove a point.
0:11:22 > 0:11:2613 years ago in Adelaide, Australia
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I had sex with two women at the same time.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I know I don't strike you as the type, but it happened.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Here's the thing, though,
0:11:33 > 0:11:38I can't tell you for the life of me what I had for dinner that day.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I think you get the point there.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Thank you very much.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Well, folks we have a fantastic show ahead of us.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57We have two brilliant acts I am going to be bringing onto the stage here.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Are you ready for the first of those two acts?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03This guy he is a massive star in his native Australia
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and he's not doing too shabbily over here. I'm sure you've seen him before.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12He's an incredibly funny man and, I can tell you with some authority, one of the nicest men in comedy.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Will you please put your hands together to welcome on stage the fantastic Mr Adam Hills?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23CHEERING
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Hello, Apollo. I am going to start by saying something you've probably never heard a comedian say before.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I love Americans.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45AUDIENCE: Boo.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Thanks for going with me on that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I reckon the Americans are the most optimistic people on the planet.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Only Americans would name their children after personality traits
0:12:56 > 0:12:58they hope they're going to grow up with.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02You see Americans on the street with their kids going, "Oh, Faith,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05"Faith have you seen Hope?'
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"Yes, she's over there with Charity.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"They are waiting for Honor."
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I'm Australian, can you imagine an Australian guy naming his kids
0:13:16 > 0:13:19the way he hopes they're going to grow up?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21'G'day this is my son Top Bloke.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"And there's my other son Opening Batsman.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"And there's my daughter, Big Tits."
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I think only America could have given us an Olympic female swimmer a couple of years ago
0:13:46 > 0:13:49by the name of Misty Hyman.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58If your last name's Hyman, don't call your child an adjective.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Her parents must have been at the birth going "Our last name's Hyman what shall we call our daughter?"
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"I don't know, how about Misty?" "Won't that be kind of embarrassing?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"Well, her brother Rusty doesn't seem to mind."
0:14:18 > 0:14:19"Good thinking, Dick."
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I did a show once and this American woman came up to me afterwards
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and she said, "You know that joke you did about Americans and their names?" Yeah.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"Well, I'm American."
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Yeah. "And I'm diabetic."
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Right.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"My name's Candy."
0:14:52 > 0:14:56You know what's great about travelling, it doesn't matter where you go in the world
0:14:56 > 0:15:00music will bond you with anyone. Only age will separate you. I'll give you an example.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05You can tell people that grew up with music in the '70s by doing this, just by seeing who responds to this.
0:15:05 > 0:15:11- # Oh, ohh, ohhh - Oh, ohh, ohhh. #
0:15:11 > 0:15:18Nice work, a bit of Kung Fu Fighting. There's usually four blokes up at the back at this point going "Ha!"
0:15:18 > 0:15:24And occasionally a woman in the front will go, "De de de de dee dee dee."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26How bad were those lyrics?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Everybody was kung fu fighting,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31those cats were fast as lightning.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35In fact, it was a little bit frightening.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38They fought with expert timing.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42The last one should have been, "I'm really shit at rhyming."
0:15:44 > 0:15:46'80s people now, this is just for '80s people.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51# Take on me
0:15:51 > 0:15:52# Take on me. #
0:15:52 > 0:15:57OK. Are there any '90s people in the room? Everyone put their hands in front of your face
0:15:57 > 0:15:59as if you are about to clap. This will test '90s people.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03# So no-one told you life was going to be this way
0:16:03 > 0:16:05AUDIENCE CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY
0:16:05 > 0:16:07There was no movement at all from down the front there!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Do you want me to go back a bit?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# There she was just a walking down the street singing...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do. #
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Has that just been released here?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32You know what scares me is I'm going to be on stage in about 20 years' time saying
0:16:32 > 0:16:35"You can tell people who grew up in the year 2000 by singing...
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- # Who let the dogs out? - Woof, woof, woof. #
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Amazing.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I am a child of the '80s, I grew up in the '80s.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53I loved it because it was an era when you could take a positive musical message to the world.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I grew up in Australia wearing a shirt that said "Relax".
0:16:55 > 0:16:59"Choose Life." "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I grew up in an era when we were told you could not only feed the world,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05but you could let them know it's Christmas time.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11There's more obesity in America than in any country on the planet
0:17:11 > 0:17:14and I reckon I've worked out why. I reckon it's cos in 1984
0:17:14 > 0:17:20a group of British and Irish musicians put out a song that told us all to "feed the world".
0:17:20 > 0:17:25And then a year later a group of American musicians put out a song which said, "We are the world."
0:17:35 > 0:17:39The weirdest thing for me about growing up in the '80s is that everything that I grew up with
0:17:39 > 0:17:41that I thought was cool, now a gay icon.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48All of the good stuff - Abba, gay. Wonder Woman - gay.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52The Village... Who would have thought the Village People were gay?
0:17:53 > 0:17:58It's almost as if the gay community got divorced from the straight community 15 years ago
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and went, "We're leaving and we're taking the good CDs with us."
0:18:06 > 0:18:11We've got Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Kylie Minogue, Duran Duran. You can keep Europe.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Do you know what I've realised - I'm so gay.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I love everything that gay men love. You know, except...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30You know, I can never understand why people object to gays in the army.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33There's always someone objecting to gays in the army.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36To me, I've got plenty of gay friends, I've seen them in arguments.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39They should be in the army because when they get mad,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43they can cut you down quicker than any machine gun ever invented.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You'd have 200 of the enemy coming over the barricades,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50you wouldn't even need bullets, 20 gay guys with megaphones going "Bad shoes." "Who does your hair?"
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"'80s shirt." "Look at you."
0:18:54 > 0:18:58If there were gay guys in the army, Saving Private Ryan would have been a much shorter film.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03There's no way a troop of gay men would have taken three hours to find Matt Damon.
0:19:09 > 0:19:15Ladies and gentlemen it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thanks for being amazing, goodnight.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Adam Hills, ladies and gentlemen!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32# Adam Hills How I love him
0:19:32 > 0:19:34# How I love him. #
0:19:34 > 0:19:35I told you I'd do it.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Adam Hills there, fantastic. Did you like that?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Did you like that, Lembit, are you enjoying yourself, sir?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Just because you are going to be hanging around here for a couple of hours
0:19:45 > 0:19:48you can't claim the Hammersmith Apollo as a second home.
0:19:49 > 0:19:55- Well, folks we have one more fantastic act to close up the show. Are you ready for that?- Yes!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00She now lives in LA, where she is doing very, very well over there.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03We are very lucky to have her here tonight on a rare British performance.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07will you please put your hands together, give some love to the very funny Gina Yashere.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Hey!
0:20:26 > 0:20:27How we doing, Apollo?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Good to be here, good to be. Yeah, Ed said I am living in America at the moment.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I have been there like last couple of years or so.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I like America, it's cool. Any Americans in?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Wooh.- Oh, there's a few, whoo! Yeah, I like America it's cool.
0:20:43 > 0:20:50You're the clever Americans - you are the ones that have actually travelled outside of America,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53because we know 75% of them have got absolutely no idea
0:20:53 > 0:20:58that there are black people in England, people.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59None, none.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04I get on stage, I start talking and I see their brains explode.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12I start speaking and they are like that, "Oh, my God, oh, my God, Oh, my God.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15"I think it's an Aborigine.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"Oh, my God."
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Its fun, though, because what I do, I play around with it.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30I tell them any old crap just to see if they believe it, right.
0:21:30 > 0:21:36I told this one woman that I was from an ancient African pygmy tribe...
0:21:38 > 0:21:42..and that when I was 14 I was driven out of the tribe
0:21:42 > 0:21:44because I grew too tall...
0:21:50 > 0:21:53..and that my family sent me to America,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55where I was adopted by Madonna.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02She believed me, people. She believed me.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I like to play with them, I like to play with them,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08because the accent confuses them and I like to play with the fact
0:22:08 > 0:22:10that the accent confuses them so much.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13For instance, I think I am the only black person...
0:22:13 > 0:22:18In fact I am the only black person in America who is not afraid of the police.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23In fact, I pull them over.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27I did it recently. I was like, "Excuse me, officer,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"I can't help but notice
0:22:30 > 0:22:35"that you have been following me for 12 miles."
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And the accent confused him.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43He was like that, "I'm sorry, m'am, I thought you were black."
0:22:51 > 0:22:56It's fun. I like to play with their little brains.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58So, the accent comes in handy, comes in very useful.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Not so useful in the hood, though, I found. Not so useful.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09I'm in LA. I thought, "You know what, I'm going to go and hang with my homies in Compton."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I've seen Boyz n The Hood, I can do this.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I went down to Compton. I saw a guy standing on the street corner -
0:23:17 > 0:23:23baggy pants, baseball cap - and I went up to him and I went, "Hey, what's popping, my Negro G unit?"
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Yeah, he took my watch.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I am not cool in the hood.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41So, I am in America, I am. I do like it. My mum is not going to be visiting me there in America.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Not because she doesn't want to come, she wants to.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49But my mother has never flown in her life. My mother is Nigerian.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54She came from Nigeria to England by boat.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Yeah, took her seven weeks to get here.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04And I was like, "Wow, Mum, you went through all of that
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"to live in Bethnal Green? What the hell were you thinking?"
0:24:13 > 0:24:20I always wondered why she never flew because Nigeria did have an airline.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And then I went back to Nigeria, with Nigeria Airways
0:24:25 > 0:24:28and realised why my mother took a boat.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Nigeria Airways is shit.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41It makes Easyjet look like Concorde.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I swear to God this was an announcement on the airline.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48'Ladies and gentlemen,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51"this is your captain speaking.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"Will all passengers please leave the plane
0:24:55 > 0:24:59"and help give it a push start?"
0:25:07 > 0:25:11They didn't have food service on the plane, didn't have food service.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13They just walked down the aisle with a buffalo.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Take a piece of the buffalo.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Take a piece of the buffalo if you want it.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26The ass is juicy, the ass is juicy, take a piece of the ass.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Take a piece of the ass, the ass is juicy.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38So, that's right, people, I went back to Nigeria,
0:25:38 > 0:25:43went back to Africa to get in touch with my roots. My roots!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45My African roots!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I discovered that my roots
0:25:47 > 0:25:50are in Bethnal Green.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Nigeria scared the hell out of me.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09I nearly got robbed there because I was doing the stupid tourist stuff, right.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13I was in a taxi and there was lots of traffic in Lagos
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and I thought, "Wow, look at this traffic, I want to film it."
0:26:18 > 0:26:21So, I put my camcorder outside of the window...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27..and was filming the traffic
0:26:27 > 0:26:30and before I knew it, I was surrounded by area boys.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33These are the local gangsters in Lagos.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38"Give me your camera, we'll kill you. You cannot film us. Give us the camera! Give us the camera!"
0:26:38 > 0:26:40And I was like, "Oi!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42"I'm from Hackney. Get out of here!"
0:26:51 > 0:26:54That's right don't mess with me.
0:26:54 > 0:27:00I kept my camera. Well, they got the camera. I got the tape, though, I got the tape.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06Nigeria, it's a hassle to live there. It's a hard place to live.
0:27:06 > 0:27:13You commit a murder in Nigeria, you will get away with it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16You will, and I'll tell why -
0:27:16 > 0:27:22because we ain't got no CSI in Nigeria.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24The police turn up at a crime scene and they are like that,
0:27:24 > 0:27:30"OK, there's a dead body, there's a dead body, somebody has been killed.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"Did you do it?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"No? Oh, shit.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"We will never catch the killer."
0:28:04 > 0:28:07You've been fantastic. I'm Gina Yashere, thank you very much.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Gina Yashere!
0:28:19 > 0:28:25Gina Yashere, ladies and gentlemen. That is our show. Have you had a good time tonight?
0:28:25 > 0:28:26AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:28:26 > 0:28:31Let's her it one more time for Adam Hills and Gina Yashere.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35I've been Ed Byrne, this has been Live At The Apollo. Goodnight!