0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Alistair McGowan!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Thank you very much indeed!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I am Alistair McGowan, yes, indeed. The man who brought you...
0:00:48 > 0:00:52IMITATES EACH PERSON: David Beckham, Michael Parkinson and Dot Cotton.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Richard Madeley. Welcome back, welcome back. Terry Wogan,
0:00:55 > 0:00:59David Schwimmer...hey!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02And Eddie Izzard, woooorrr...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06And sometimes Steven Gerrard. E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-erm...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08no! ..is back.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Yes, indeed, I'm back. We've got some very famous faces in the audience.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Dominic Littlewood is here, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:17 > 0:01:23Dominic, I've got to say I love the programme, and some friends and I
0:01:23 > 0:01:26were sitting around at the weekend and we all agreed that,
0:01:26 > 0:01:30for us, TV Burp is one of the highlights of the week!
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Love the show!
0:01:31 > 0:01:36No, Dominic, of course, you'll all know from The One Show, hosted by Adrian Chiles.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I always think of him as Adrian Child
0:01:38 > 0:01:40because he is just like a big kid, isn't he?
0:01:40 > 0:01:45No matter who he interviews, whether it's Gordon Strachan, Gordon Brown or Gordon Ramsay,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48all you hear is him saying, "What's it like being you, then, eh?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Is it good being you? Is it good, eh?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53"Have you got your own house? Is it a big house?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57"How long does your dad let you stay up until? Does he?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"A bit later at weekends, is it? Yeah, yeah.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"Hey, how far you been with a lady?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04"What, inside upstairs? You lucky bastard!
0:02:04 > 0:02:08"Do you like football? I love football. I've got West Bromwich Albion everything.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11"A duvet, towels, I've even got West Bromwich Albion wallpaper.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15"Yeah, it looks great but it just won't stay up!"
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Oh, yes.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, yes!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Craig Revel Horwood is here, from Strictly Come Dancing.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Rachel Stevens is here as well, ladies and gentlemen.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Rachel, you were actually ON Strictly.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Are the judges the same off-camera as they are on-camera?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Absolutely, yes. - Absolutely the same?- Yeah.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I've always wondered, do the judges take themselves home with them
0:02:45 > 0:02:47to the house, to the bedroom even?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51when Craig Revel Horwood has sex, afterwards, does he have to give a critique on it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Is he there saying things like,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"Well, for me, it was messy, actually."
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"Your legs were bent, um...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"It got better and better and, by the end,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"I have to say I didn't want it to stop, actually."
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- That would be funny! - That would be funny?
0:03:11 > 0:03:16We're working together well as a double act, me and Craig. I'll be on that panel before you know it.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I love Bruno. I'm sure you love him, on the programme.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24I wish sometimes I could be more like Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Cos he's so expressive, you know.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Recently, I had a piano delivered to my second-floor flat.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33These two blokes, they struggled up flights of stairs, round corners.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37It took them an hour and a half, and all I could say at the end was,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40in my very English way, "Thanks, guys, really appreciate it."
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I just wished I'd been Bruno Tonioli cos then I would've said,
0:03:43 > 0:03:47"Brian and Roger is Fred and Ginger for me tonight!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"Moving a piano is not easy.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52"You have to go on and off, lift and back into hold.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53"You did that effortlessly.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"For me, ten out of ten!"
0:04:01 > 0:04:04So, Rachel, are you friends with other musicians?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Are you friends with people like Gary Barlow?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- I know Gary, yeah. - Yeah, you know Gary?
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I worry about Gary Barlow. Whenever I hear him talking, I'm thinking,
0:04:13 > 0:04:18"Gary, if you're going to start talking any more slowly than what you do at the moment..."
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Cos he does talk quite slowly. "Eh, tell you what. Know what I mean?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I thought, "Hang on, Gary, if you start to talk any more slowly,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"you're going to turn before you know it
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"into Dave off the Royle Family, aren't you, Barbara?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Jason Isaacs and Fay Ripley are in here tonight.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Jason, of course, a big football fan.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Who do you support?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Liverpool.- Liverpool. Are you sorry?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50CHEERING AND BOOING
0:04:50 > 0:04:52One of their former players, Michael Owen,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55wrote his autobiography at the age of 19.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58He was 19, ladies and gentlemen, when he wrote his autobiography.
0:04:58 > 0:05:04I read it. It was 350 pages long. He could've condensed it to a paragraph.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08All he needed to write was, "I was born in Chester in 1980,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12"started to play football at the age of two, was quite good at it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"Erm, went to big school...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"..played some more football. Er, was really good at it.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24"Played football for Liverpool Boys, was really, really good at it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"Played football for Liverpool, was brilliant.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30"Played football for England. That'll be £19.95, please."
0:05:32 > 0:05:36But of course, nobody is talking about Michael Owen for the World Cup squad in 2010.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40We've qualified. Fabio Capello, didn't he do a great job as manager?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45It almost depressed me that Fabio made such a difference as England manager from the start,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48because when he took over, he could barely speak any English.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53I thought, how many words do you need to be a successful manager of the English team?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55About ten, it seemed in Fabio's case.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Errr...yes.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Errrr....no.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Errrrr...good.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Errrrr...bad.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Errr...happy... HE LAUGHS
0:06:09 > 0:06:11..is me.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Errr....you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Errrr....ball.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Errrr....goal.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Errr...money.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22HE CHUCKLES
0:06:28 > 0:06:32His native country Italy were the last winners of the World Cup back in 2006.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34You may know the statistics.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Nine months after that, there was a huge rise in the birth rate in Italy.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41That is how the Italians celebrated winning the World Cup.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Fantastic. When England won the World Cup in 1966,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48there was a power surge when everyone made themselves a cup of tea.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52They do things better abroad, don't they?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Ronnie Ancona is here, from The Big Impression!
0:06:59 > 0:07:02It sounds very Italian, but Ronnie was brought up in Scotland.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- When was the last time you went back to Scotland?- Last year.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09I was back in Scotland very recently. I have to say it has changed a lot.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14For a start, they all have Italian sandwich bars everywhere, which is fantastic.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16The Italian breads are wonderful
0:07:16 > 0:07:20but also you get hear Scottish people saying, "Can I have a ciaba'a?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:23In Scotland, they have millionaire's shortbread.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Down here of course, we just call that a caramel slice.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29In Scotland, it's a millionaire's shortbread.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I was talking to Andy Parsons from Mock The Week about this,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36and he said, "Obviously, in Scotland,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40"they thought only a millionaire could afford to put chocolate
0:07:40 > 0:07:44"and caramel on top of a piece of shortbread biscuit.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49"What must they make of a banoffee pie?"
0:07:54 > 0:07:56So we've got some big names in tonight.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Some sadly couldn't make it tonight.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01They left messages on my machine before the show.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Rowan Atkinson cancelled at the last minute.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05He said, "The chances of me...
0:08:07 > 0:08:12"..sitting in the audience at Live At The Apollo,
0:08:12 > 0:08:17"are about as high as the ankle socks on a particularly small beetle,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"who's standing in a ditch."
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I took that as a no.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26We were hoping Jo Brand would be here but she's busy.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29She's always busy. Very recently, she was on Question Time.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32She was brilliant. Sadly, she wasn't on with Nick Griffin.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34That would've been interesting.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38AS JO BRAND: Um, if I was leader of the Labour Party...
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I thank you. Um, no, um...
0:08:43 > 0:08:46if I was leader of the Labour Party,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49how would I get rid of the threat posed by Nick Griffin?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Um, well, I think I'd probably eat the bastard!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02We hoped the Welsh comedian Rhod Gilbert...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05We hoped he'd be here, but he couldn't make it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"I'm busy, I've got a meeting. I'm meeting an American producer."
0:09:08 > 0:09:11"But Americans, they confuse me, they confuse me.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"When I meet Americans, they always say to me, 'What's up?'
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"I want to say, 'Why should something be up?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"'Do I look like something is up? Nothing is bloody up!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"'Will you stop asking me what's up? I'm from Wales.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"'Most things in Wales are bloody down, all right?!'"
0:09:30 > 0:09:34So many programmes on Channel 4 and ITV seem never to actually start.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38They just seem to be a trailer for a programme that never begins,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42particularly anything hosted by Gok Wan, you know?
0:09:42 > 0:09:46You'll hear him say, "Hello, welcome to How To Look Good Naked.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50"Coming up in part one, I'll remind you of the basic idea of the show for the umpteenth time,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"and showing you what's coming up in part two.
0:09:52 > 0:09:58"In part two, we'll be looking back at what we did in part one and looking ahead to part three.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03"In part three, we'll be looking back at what we did and looking ahead to what's coming up,
0:10:03 > 0:10:08"and in part four we'll be looking back at what we did, looking ahead to what we're doing next week,
0:10:08 > 0:10:12"and we'll show you five minutes of footage of someone looking a bit better now than they did,
0:10:12 > 0:10:17"but I still wouldn't go anywhere near them with a bargepole, girlfriend!"
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I worry that if I ever met Gok, I'd call him Cok by mistake.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Do you worry about that?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35People get very upset on his show. They cry. Men and women, they cry.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38It's all right though now for men to cry in public, generally.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41But one thing you will never see an upset man doing...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43You will never see an upset man going...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"I'll be all right in a minute. I'll be all right.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"I shouldn't have started talking about it." Why do you do that, girls?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56What is going on there?
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Are you trying to waft the tears back into your eyes?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Seriously, girls, if you could blow fluids back inside the body,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07do you not think you'd see men outside pubs on a Friday night going...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Makes no sense at all to me.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20But people cry. They cry at the end of X Factor as well, don't they?
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Particularly because the judges on those programmes are very mean to the contestants.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I often wonder, what would Louis Walsh say
0:11:27 > 0:11:29if Louis Walsh walked into the room?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32What would Simon Cowell say if Simon Cowell walked into the room?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Louis Walsh, imagine that.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Well, I gotta say, you know, looking at you, you've got no style,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"you've got no image, you're just grey.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44"You know, grey hair, grey eyes, grey face. You're like a ghost, you know.
0:11:44 > 0:11:50"I mean, if we were casting the new Casper the friendly ghost, we might be interested, you know?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"But I doubt it because your speech is terrible.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"You've got this shooshy S thing going on there.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59"You don't finish half your words or half your sentences,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"and when you breathe, you breathe like a tired old dog."
0:12:02 > 0:12:05HE PANTS HEAVILY
0:12:05 > 0:12:07"For me, Louis, it's a no."
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Simon... "Well, look, tell you what.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22"Simon, is it? You know, I'm looking at you
0:12:22 > 0:12:24"thinking I don't know who or what you are.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28"I mean, you know, are you gay or straight, um...
0:12:31 > 0:12:38"Why do you sound like a bored Tony Blair? I don't get it, you know.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"You have no discernable talent. You're just sort of there, talking.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46"I mean, really, you are the most unskilled, rudest, worst-dressed
0:12:46 > 0:12:51"multi-millionaire TV star the world has ever seen. I'm sorry, but you are. Bye-bye."
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Sorry about that.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08A better comedian like Stewart Lee would have made something of that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"I'm now going to get some water,
0:13:10 > 0:13:15"and he'd have done it on-camera and improvised something about how embarrassing it was
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"to have to get water during an act,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"and everyone would've laughed and it would've been really funny, but...
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"I'm not that comic, so what can I say?
0:13:24 > 0:13:30"Now I've made it worse for myself by doing an impression of someone that most of you don't even know."
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Yeah."
0:13:37 > 0:13:41But I cannot find a radio station that I like any more, can you?
0:13:41 > 0:13:46I tried Radio 2. Radio 2, you cannot find great music and a great presenter at the same time, can you?
0:13:46 > 0:13:50The man I cannot listen to on Radio 2 at all is Ken Bruce.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52It's the sound of his voice.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55AS KEN BRUCE: For me, Ken Bruce is the sound of grey, wet,
0:13:55 > 0:14:00empty mornings in the countryside seen through uPVC windows.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Ken Bruce is the sound of furry slippers and swirly carpets.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Ken Bruce is the sound of a huge pile of ironing
0:14:06 > 0:14:09that you know will never get done.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Ken Bruce is the sound of a poor man's Terry Wogan
0:14:12 > 0:14:14crossed with a poor man's Ronnie Corbett.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Can't be doing... I switched to the local radio.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I tried Capital Radio, Johnny Vaughan in the mornings. He's so energetic though.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26It's too much. He's always doing these competitions.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Recently he said, "So we wanted you to come up with a slogan
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"for every nation's national lottery.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35"The winner was Chas in Chalk Farm who said
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"the slogan for the Eskimo lottery should be,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40"you've got to be Inuit to winuit."
0:14:40 > 0:14:44"I love that. I love that."
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I found Radio 4 but then they changed their announcer, Brian Perkins.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50You will know his voice.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Brian Perkins used to do the news, the shipping forecast.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56They got rid of him, now he's doing talking Mills and Boon books.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I took one out of the library. It was a great listen.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01"Sandra lay sprawled across the bed.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07"Seth entered the room and looked at her naked reclining body.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"Standing over her, he felt like a conquering Viking,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"Forties, Cromarty, Forth, North Utsire, South Utsire,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"rising slowly...
0:15:18 > 0:15:24"..possibly three or four later if he's lucky. Generally good!"
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I love the silly season in the summer on the news.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31There were some great stories this year.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Did you hear when Huw Edwards said, "The presenter of Channel 4's How To Look Good Naked programme
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"has had his kitchen broken into and ransacked.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"Yes, Gok Wan's wok's gone."
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I love stories like that. Then there was the story that the weather people had lied to us.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Carol Kirkwood, you should be ashamed of yourself!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55In the summer, we were told the weather men had lied.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58They'd said we'd have a good summer to make us feel good,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00knowing it wouldn't be that great. Naughty Carol.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04But we should not be surprised. We know they lie to us.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Even my favourite weather forecaster Daniel Corbett lies in the winter.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09You know Daniel Corbett?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14He says things like, "This weather system here is going to clear away, there it goes.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18"Another system comes down. Look, here comes his friend. Hello, system's friend.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23"Look at all these systems converging, converging. Look at my hands.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27"Am I a failed ballerina or just a little bit special? You decide.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32"I turn to the side, I disappear, I'm a head on a stick. That's your weather for now."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You know Daniel.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Even Daniel lies in the winter.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39He talks about this thing called "wind chill".
0:16:39 > 0:16:41He'll say things like, "So temperatures,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"about ten degrees when this weather system clears away.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49"It's a strong wind as well, and with that wind chill, it's going to feel more like minus two."
0:16:49 > 0:16:55Hang on a minute, Daniel. If it's going to FEEL like minus two, surely it IS minus two, isn't it?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58They don't use this applied maths in other areas of the media.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00You never heard Moira Stuart on the news say,
0:17:00 > 0:17:05"The Government have announced that the unemployed figures have now risen to 2.4 million
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"but it's going to feel more like 7."
0:17:10 > 0:17:13You never hear Gary Lineker on Match Of The Day saying,
0:17:13 > 0:17:19"Liverpool are seven points behind Manchester United but it's going to feel more like 18."
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Anyway, that's enough from me.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Time to introduce our first act of the night.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31A young man who shot to fame on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow, here he is now Live At The Apollo.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Please welcome Kevin Bridges!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Thank you, hello!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52CHEERING
0:17:52 > 0:17:54The Apollo, eh?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57It's good to be here in London.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Have we got any other Scottish people in the room?
0:18:00 > 0:18:01CHEERING
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Up on the top deck? Good stuff.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07That's where we keep them. I love Scottish people...
0:18:07 > 0:18:10in London. I love speaking to Scottish people in London.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15They don't want to tell you about any of the sights or tourist attractions.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18They don't want to talk about any shows they've seen.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21They just say, "Guess how much...
0:18:23 > 0:18:28"Guess how much we paid for two drinks. Have a guess.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"Two drinks, guess how much."
0:18:30 > 0:18:33You know when somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid,"
0:18:33 > 0:18:38in an irate tone, social etiquette is to aim kind of low
0:18:38 > 0:18:43so they can have their little moment of shocking you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Now what I've done, I now aim high,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49kill the conversation stone dead.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Next time somebody says to you, "Guess how much we paid for two drinks,"
0:18:56 > 0:18:59just say, "I don't know. How much? 40 quid?"
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"It wasn't quite as much as that.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10"We thought it was quite expensive, but it sounds as if...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"sounds as if we got a bargain."
0:19:15 > 0:19:20The BNP have been in the papers recently.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25I've seen a bit of racist graffiti that sums up the whole thing.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28It was on a kind of deprived housing area.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32On a newsagent, somebody spray-painted "BNP",
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and below the BNP, they drew a swastika, right?
0:19:35 > 0:19:42Now, beside this swastika were a couple of unsuccessful attempts at drawing a swastika.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55They'd obviously misjudged the complexity of the operation.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Rather than paint over the failed attempts, they left them there.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05They must've thought you get some form of credit for showing your working.
0:20:10 > 0:20:16I was reading the Government plans to provide musical instruments
0:20:16 > 0:20:21to children, young people from deprived areas, you know,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24cos that'll solve their problems...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27musical instruments.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31"What's up, son? Your mum's a crack addict,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33"your dad's in jail.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35"Don't worry, have a glockenspiel."
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Problem solved.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49"Oh, cheers, mate. Thank you.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54"Everything's fine. # A, B, C, D, E, F, G... #"
0:20:57 > 0:21:00A lot of fond memories of growing up...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04..in the good old days.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I liked school. My favourite class at school was woodwork.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Remember craft and design?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I never actually liked the subject.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I liked the teacher.
0:21:14 > 0:21:20See, everybody's woodwork teacher was an alcoholic.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I remember this guy, our woodwork teacher.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27He would just be sitting at his desk,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30about ten minutes in to the woodwork lesson,
0:21:30 > 0:21:34and he's not even spoke a word. Just sitting there...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42SHUDDERING SIGH
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Then he'd face the class and just say, "Right, kids...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51"Right, children,
0:21:51 > 0:21:53"I've had a tough weekend.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58"I was supposed to go to IKEA
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"but I spent my wages in Oddbins,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"so one of yous wee pricks make me a spice rack!"
0:22:17 > 0:22:21And when you were 12 years old, that was pressure,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23when a middle-aged man's marriage
0:22:23 > 0:22:27depends on your abilities with a tube of glue and a band saw.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I left school.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34After school, I remember looking for a job.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Unemployed, in the Jobcentre, first job you see...
0:22:39 > 0:22:44a customer service advisor's assistant.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50You know, one of these jobs that just gets shiter and shiter every word they use.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54It just goes, wah wah waaaahhh...
0:22:57 > 0:23:01It basically means you make the tea for the guy that makes the coffee.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Everything else is like "experience required"
0:23:11 > 0:23:14and "qualifications needed"
0:23:14 > 0:23:16and I was just a dickhead.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Just left school, didn't have much of that.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Last option you've got... you can join the Army.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You've got the British Army recruitment desk.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30The guy's there, ("Come over here, son.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34("Be the best.")
0:23:39 > 0:23:43And I'm thinking, "Me? Join the Army, be the best?"
0:23:43 > 0:23:48T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications to sell phones.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59and you want to give me a machine gun?
0:24:08 > 0:24:13You don't need to be in the Army these days to get a gun if you're a young person.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18A lot of gun crime on the streets, a lot of caps getting popped.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22I don't really know the solutions, I just know the problems.
0:24:22 > 0:24:30It used to be, in the UK, at 14-years-old you could legally be in possession of an air rifle.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Whilst it's not a proper gun, it's still sore, right?
0:24:33 > 0:24:40But that got moved to 17 years old, cos you know how 17-year-olds, they're dead responsible.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44If somebody was... pointing a gun at you,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47you'd be going, "That's fine, he looks about 17.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"He knows what he's doing."
0:24:52 > 0:24:5517-years-old to be in possession of a firearm,
0:24:55 > 0:25:00but you've got to be 18 before you can be in possession of fireworks.
0:25:02 > 0:25:0817 you can shoot somebody dead, but you've got to wait a year before he can frighten the shite out a cat.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17With drugs, I get offered drugs quite a lot in this game.
0:25:17 > 0:25:25You get offered the usual suspects like ecstasy, speed and a drug called horse tranquilliser.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30SHOUTING
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Are you shouting yay or neigh?!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:44I can understand people who don't know anything about drugs
0:25:44 > 0:25:51maybe trying ecstasy because it sounds quite good, you know, the connotations of the name ecstasy.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54You think of states of euphoria and happiness.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58And then speed is pretty self-explanatory.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00The horse tranquilliser...
0:26:04 > 0:26:08That hardly sounds the most sociable of evenings!
0:26:12 > 0:26:19The fact they've replaced the original name with the effect it has on a horse!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I think every drug should be tested, give the lot of them to horses
0:26:22 > 0:26:25then you can see what it actually does to you.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28It would also make the Grand National pretty interesting.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33"20 quid on the one that's break-dancing, please."
0:26:35 > 0:26:42I was watching a programme about children from the opposite end of the social spectrum, a programme
0:26:42 > 0:26:45called My Super Sweet 16. Anybody seen this?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47AUDIENCE: Yes! Whoo!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Don't get too excited. It's quite shite, right?
0:26:53 > 0:26:58I was watching it about two o'clock in the morning when the TV's quite shite.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Anybody watch late-night telly?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03You ever been up that late at night when the TV just goes, "Get to bed.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"There's nothing to see here.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13"Unless you're a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem, beat it."
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Does anybody watch these late-night Channel 5 phone-in quiz shows?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Anybody seen these, like Quizmania and The Cash Vault?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28It's just robbing drunk people.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37You know, you come in at night, there's some guy going, "OK, everybody.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40"OK! Thanks for watching, OK!
0:27:40 > 0:27:46"For ten thousand pounds, we're looking for a guy's name."
0:27:51 > 0:27:53You come home steaming.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"I know a guy's name."
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"Ten grand? I know a few guys' names."
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Watching this Super Sweet 16...
0:28:11 > 0:28:15What it is, it's these millionaire parents and they've given their 15
0:28:15 > 0:28:19year old kids a budget to spend on their 16th birthday party.
0:28:19 > 0:28:24This one young guy, his dad gave him £200,000, right,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27as a budget to spend on his 16th birthday party.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I'm watching this,
0:28:29 > 0:28:35thinking, "If my dad had given me £200,000
0:28:35 > 0:28:40"to spend on my 16th birthday party, I would be dead."
0:28:49 > 0:28:53It would make for a more interesting TV show.
0:28:55 > 0:29:02For your 16th birthday party, you should be grateful for a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20...
0:29:05 > 0:29:06..and a smelly finger.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Bad time for that hand gesture there, sir.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to my time.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Good night, God bless.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30See you again some time.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:36 > 0:29:39Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47It's time for our second and final act of the evening.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49You'll have seen him sitting on dozens of panel shows.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53This is actually the first time I've ever seen him standing up.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Please welcome the fabulous Reginald D Hunter.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Thank you and good evening.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Look at y'all, look at y'all. Now, I hope this is going to be good,
0:30:21 > 0:30:25but I don't know because they told me there's a lot of things I can't say.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27We're at the Apollo,
0:30:27 > 0:30:32it's the BBC, there's white people and kids watching, so...
0:30:35 > 0:30:38They say I got to mind what I say.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41I'm going to try but this is the way I talk.
0:30:43 > 0:30:49I'm from the South, I'm from the Deep South, and sometimes the way I talk runs into the way y'all talk.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53I was in this bar right here in London, and I was having a chat with this lady.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56She found out I was a comedian and she goes, "Oh, you're a comedian.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"Tell me, what do you know about Tommy Cooper?"
0:31:01 > 0:31:03He dead!
0:31:09 > 0:31:12She says, "I must be terribly British and correct your grammar.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15"I think it's, "He DIED"."
0:31:15 > 0:31:17I said, "At first, he died.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19"Now he dead."
0:31:22 > 0:31:28And you know, like I say, I run into the way y'all talk cos British people,
0:31:28 > 0:31:34you all have a lot of subtext and y'all like stuff like irony and sarcasm, tongue in cheek...
0:31:34 > 0:31:39You know, clever ways to be indirect about what you think.
0:31:39 > 0:31:44No, man, sometimes a British person can insult me and it takes me three weeks to figure it out, man!
0:31:47 > 0:31:51I'd be home hoovering one day and I'd be like, "Bastard don't like me!"
0:31:59 > 0:32:02I find sometimes people take themselves too serious.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Sometime I take myself too serious.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07That's why I have to find a way to like have a little fun, be a little silly.
0:32:07 > 0:32:12Like, I was at a bar the other night, and there was a young lady behind the bar and I said,
0:32:12 > 0:32:14"Excuse me, ma'am, let me get a vodka tonic."
0:32:14 > 0:32:16And she said, "Can you just wait a moment?
0:32:16 > 0:32:19"Just bear with me." And I went "RRRRRR!"
0:32:19 > 0:32:24LAUGHTER
0:32:27 > 0:32:29And she didn't bear!
0:32:31 > 0:32:35How can you ask somebody to bear WITH you and you don't bear?!
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Man, man, man.
0:32:44 > 0:32:50It's like, you know, I've been living here, off and on, for the last 12 years and I'm grateful.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Grateful. I've learned a lot just...
0:32:52 > 0:32:57You know, when I go back home, back to Georgia, they say I'm too British now.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01They say I'm sarcastic all the time,
0:33:01 > 0:33:05I defend positions I don't even hold...
0:33:06 > 0:33:10I mess with people intellectually just because.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12They get mad at me because of what happened last year.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Last year I went home, and I thought it would be fun to go for
0:33:15 > 0:33:20a whole day pretending I had never heard of Jesus and just, uh...
0:33:24 > 0:33:26"Who?!"
0:33:26 > 0:33:32"I ain't never heard of him. He sounds like some kind of Mexican superhero. What did he do?"
0:33:38 > 0:33:43And also, too, when I go back home, they ask me questions about England.
0:33:43 > 0:33:49They go, "What's England like? What is the class system? I heard a lot about the English class system.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51"What's the class system?"
0:33:51 > 0:33:57And I have to tell them, the only reason they have a class system is cos they are so crap at racism.
0:33:57 > 0:33:58Um...
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Ginger-haired people... that's not even a race.
0:34:03 > 0:34:10It's not even a race, man. It's open. You can just pick on a ginger-haired person and it's cool.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14Even ginger-haired people are like, "Nope, I'm ginger, got it comin'."
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Man, sometimes I see the way ginger-haired people are treated,
0:34:24 > 0:34:27especially by white people, I feel like walking up to a ginger-haired
0:34:27 > 0:34:31person and going, "Hey, man, come on over here where there's black people. Come on."
0:34:38 > 0:34:42And just the weird stuff y'all say about each other.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Just, you know, you have Wales, Scotland, people up the road.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Just weird stuff. I remember when I first got to England, I mentioned to
0:34:49 > 0:34:53some of my English friends that I was going up to Wales to do a gig.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56And I heard a lot about Wales... you know, Diana, Princess of Wales.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59I was excited, "Yeah, man, I'm going up to Wales to do some gigs."
0:34:59 > 0:35:03And without thinking, all of my English friends, they were like, "They shag sheep."
0:35:11 > 0:35:14I said, "They what?"
0:35:16 > 0:35:19"They shag sheep, mate. You better watch out. They shag sheep."
0:35:19 > 0:35:23And they said it with so much authority and so much conviction,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26I was like, "Well, is the Government doing anything about it?"
0:35:35 > 0:35:39But it took me a few years to realise that that's just something y'all like to say.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Crazy, man.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50And I go back home, man, just... I like it here in a way because
0:35:50 > 0:35:54you have the ability to hold the opposite view.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57You know, like the higher universities in this country,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00they teach people how to think the opposite way.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Even people who are not highly educated, they do it,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05it's called taking the piss.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09And y'all take the piss out of everything. You take the piss out the Queen,
0:36:09 > 0:36:11you take it out of yourselves, you take the piss out the Government.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13You even take the piss out your friends.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17That's the same people that go, "Yep, this is my mate Barry.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19"Bit of a twat."
0:36:26 > 0:36:28That's your friend!
0:36:38 > 0:36:42And when I go back to America, man, we're not good at taking the piss out of ourselves.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45We're a younger country. We haven't learned that skill yet.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48That's a very advanced thing y'all do. We ain't worked it out yet.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52You know, in America, we're used to feeling one emotion
0:36:52 > 0:36:54at a time, you know?
0:36:54 > 0:36:55We get mixed up like that.
0:36:55 > 0:37:00In America too, we love catchphrases, we love slogans.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03You know, we love stuff like that and we've found a way
0:37:03 > 0:37:07for justification to sound like empowerment.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11That's right. We have phrases like, "Be true to yourself,
0:37:11 > 0:37:13"follow your heart,
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"follow your dream!"
0:37:16 > 0:37:19There was a movie a few years ago called Batman Begins and it had one
0:37:19 > 0:37:21of them catchphrases and Americans loved it.
0:37:21 > 0:37:26"To conquer fear, you must become fear."
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Well, how the hell you do that?
0:37:32 > 0:37:35And it's just a way for Batman to justify being violent.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38I could take that same phrase and justify whatever I want.
0:37:38 > 0:37:45If I gain too much weight, I can justify it by going, "To conquer fat, you must become fat."
0:37:52 > 0:37:57Man, I saw a politician on the news today, an MP, talking about it would
0:37:57 > 0:38:02be good if Tony Blair became president of the European Union because Britain will be in there,
0:38:02 > 0:38:04and how dare anybody in Britain go against that.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08Well, how about the best man for the job?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11How about that? How about that?
0:38:11 > 0:38:14And I know that kind of thinking cos I grew up with that.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18I was always taught that I had to support every black person, no matter what they did,
0:38:18 > 0:38:25so I tried for years really hard to support Don King and Robert Mugabe, and it's hard, it's hard.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28I tried, I tried, I swear to God I tried, man.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31A few years ago, I was watching Wimbledon and Serena Williams
0:38:31 > 0:38:35playing, and I'm not a fan, but I admire her game.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39She got a strong game, and not just the physical but the psychological.
0:38:39 > 0:38:44Every time she hits the ball, she makes this grunt. She's like this...
0:38:44 > 0:38:46"Ugh!"
0:38:46 > 0:38:49And that's a hell of a psyche job to do on your opponent.
0:38:49 > 0:38:54Every time you hit the ball, you release this guttural grunt that's like "Ugh!"
0:38:54 > 0:38:59It's like what you're saying is, "With every fibre of my being, I'm trying to KILL you!"
0:38:59 > 0:39:00"Ugh!"
0:39:01 > 0:39:04Imagine playing somebody in checkers like that.
0:39:04 > 0:39:05"Ugh!"
0:39:10 > 0:39:13A couple of years ago, I was watching Serena Williams playing
0:39:13 > 0:39:17with one of my buddies, a black dude, and she was doing the whole "Ugh!"
0:39:17 > 0:39:20And he leans over and he says, "You know that grunt she does?"
0:39:20 > 0:39:25I said, "Yeah." "What she's actually doing is releasing 200 years of Black-American anger."
0:39:27 > 0:39:30"For real?"
0:39:30 > 0:39:34He said, "Black-American anger is one of the most potent angers in the world, and that's why
0:39:34 > 0:39:39"she hits the ball so hard, and that's why she been whooping them white girls like that."
0:39:39 > 0:39:40I said, "Oh, OK."
0:39:40 > 0:39:45So a couple of weeks later, after this Russian girl beat her, um...
0:39:47 > 0:39:49I couldn't help but mess with my friend a bit.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52I was like, "Wow, 200 years of Black-American anger
0:39:52 > 0:39:57"don't seem to have nothing on 70 years of frustration with Communism, does it?"
0:39:57 > 0:40:00"Black-American anger... ugh!"
0:40:00 > 0:40:06"Try a childhood with no toilet paper... argh!"
0:40:13 > 0:40:17I turned 40 recently and I don't feel bad about that.
0:40:17 > 0:40:22Feel pretty good about it. But I have started doing that inventory that you do when you turn 40 -
0:40:22 > 0:40:27What am I good at? What skills have I developed? What have I learned? And just...
0:40:27 > 0:40:31I can cook a little bit, I can write a decent joke, but that's about it.
0:40:31 > 0:40:38Man, I tell what sent me into an uber dimension of depression was that Austrian dude last year...
0:40:38 > 0:40:39Fritzl, Josef Fritzl.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Now, I don't know if y'all remember, but there was a dude,
0:40:42 > 0:40:46he held his daughter hostage for 24 years, had seven babies with her
0:40:46 > 0:40:51and kept them locked in a dungeon that he built, and kept it all a secret from his wife.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Let me ask y'all a question.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57How many of y'all know a man who can build a dungeon?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06I can't do that.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08I got friends who build houses.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10They can't build dungeons.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14And I'm just saying, next to Fritzl, I feel incompetent.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Cos you always hear about men can't multi-task.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23He pulled that off, and put the morality aside for just a second...
0:41:23 > 0:41:28he pulled that off for 24 straight years.
0:41:28 > 0:41:33I can't do that. I don't have that level of organisational skill.
0:41:33 > 0:41:37If I tried to do that, I know I would get busted the first day.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Somebody'd be like, "Reggie, where you going with all that wood?"
0:41:49 > 0:41:50And I know I would panic.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53I would just panic. I would just give myself away completely.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57I was talking about Fritzl on stage one night, and this lady got really
0:41:57 > 0:42:03offended, cos sometimes in comedy shows, women see themselves as moral arbiters of society...
0:42:06 > 0:42:11And this lady came up to me and she were mad, and she was going to tell me which way the cold wind blows.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14She was like, "Excuse me, why do you talk about Fritzl?
0:42:14 > 0:42:19"Why? What Fritzl did was evil and you are glorifying evil by making jokes about it.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22"Why? Why do you talk about Fritzl?"
0:42:22 > 0:42:25To conquer Fritzl...
0:42:25 > 0:42:27LAUGHTER
0:42:34 > 0:42:37..you must become Fritzl.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Thank you. Thank you.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:55 > 0:42:58Reginald D Hunter!
0:43:03 > 0:43:07Tonight, you have seen the brilliant Reginald D Hunter, the fantastic Kevin Bridges.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11I've been Alistair McGowan, this has been Live At The Apollo. Good night!
0:43:29 > 0:43:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:32 > 0:43:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk