0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains adult humour
0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Sean Lock!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I'm busy!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Thank you, thank you, what a welcome!
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Thank you.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53Hello. Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56This is amazing. I feel like the Pope.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00This must be how the Pope must feel, just go, "Yeah!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02"I'm the Pope!"
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Actually, I know how the Pope feels. This is how the Pope feels.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Stop it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I met the Pope when he was over here.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19I was very lucky, I managed to meet the man. Amazing guy, amazing guy.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21You know that little white thing on the top of his head?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25You push that down and twist it, he's full of sweets.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I made that up for a laugh. What am I like?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Lovely to be here, especially nice for me to be here tonight
0:01:34 > 0:01:38because recently, I had a third kid, quite recently.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:45I was pissed. I did the bare minimum.
0:01:46 > 0:01:52But since I've had a third kid, any excuse to get out of the house, I'm up for it!
0:01:52 > 0:01:57The other day I was going through the kitchen cupboards, trying to find something we might be a bit low on.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02"Just got to nip round the corner.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04"We've nearly run out of nutmeg!"
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'll make up any excuse.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13"We need a carrot. Yeah, better go and get a carrot.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14"Well, it might snow.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21"We don't want to have the only shit snowman on the street, do we?"
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Sometimes I don't go anywhere. I just go and sit in the car.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30I take all the kids' seats out, so I can pretend I'm single for 20 minutes.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Can't do anything about the raisins.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Oh, Christ!
0:02:34 > 0:02:38They're bloody every... My car is just covered in raisins.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40They all get embedded in the upholstery.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Sometimes it feels like I'm driving a muffin.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Ooh, ooh!
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I've worked out the back seat of our car is so sticky, don't really need kids' seats.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I could just lick the back of the children like that.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05I don't know what it is, you give a kid a box of raisins, the first thing they do is this.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Like some kind of Hindu offering.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12That's for Vishnu, rest for me.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I was looking the other day, it's disgusting in there, so unhygienic,
0:03:17 > 0:03:21cos there's raisins, wee, snot, crumbs.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I mean, no wonder they're always ill!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28If we drive past landfill, seagulls start following our car.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33The only good thing about it is it will never get nicked.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I could leave it parked, doors open, keys in the ignition,
0:03:36 > 0:03:42engine running, I'd come back an hour later, there'd just be a fox retching on the pavement.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Arrrrgh! Arrrgh!
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate I'm a very lucky man. I've got three children.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02The other day, I was thinking how lucky I was. I was downstairs in the kitchen reading a newspaper.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I heard a little voice go, "Daddy, I'm finished!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:09From somewhere in the house, you know. Hopefully the toilet.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Not always.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17And as I was wiping the bottom, I thought to myself, "You lucky bastard!"
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Cos people say, "You're very lucky" and they say, "Don't they grow up fast?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26That's true, actually. My eldest daughter's nearly six.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30She came up to me the other day, she said, "Dad, I think I'm too old for CBeebies."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32She doesn't talk like that, by the way,
0:04:32 > 0:04:36otherwise she'd draw a bigger crowd than me.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38She says, "I'm too old for CBeebies.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42"I want to watch CBBC. CBeebies is for little kids, I want to watch CBBC."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And I didn't say this, I was going to say this, "Oh, really?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"Too old for CBeebies, are you? Then how come
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"you've got a squirrel on your T-shirt, then?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58"A big, fluffy squirrel, holding a balloon. Ooh!
0:04:58 > 0:05:02"Ooh, you're very mature, aren't you, yeah!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"Ooh, step back and let the big lady come through!"
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I didn't say that, cos my wife doesn't like me treating the kids like hecklers.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16And also, apparently, stuff you say to kids when they're little,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19apparently it affects them when they're older.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I know, sounds mad, doesn't it? Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:27You say something to them when they're 5, when they're 24, they go, "Oh, I need some crack."
0:05:28 > 0:05:33Also, apparently, you're not supposed to shout at your kids, yeah?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36How's that supposed to work? (There's a car coming!)
0:05:41 > 0:05:45No, like I say, I do appreciate I'm a very lucky man, but I'm a bloke,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I just like to skive when I can, a little skive, you know.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51If I get enough time, I like to go to my favourite shop, which is Lidl.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Yeah. Yeah, I love it down there.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Lidl. Are you Lidled up here in Hammersmith?
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Oh, it's great, I love it. What I like about Lidl is, because I don't recognise any of the products...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11..it's like being on holiday, isn't it?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20In somewhere like Moldova.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I go, "Oh, look, Strongsbloff!"
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I don't know if it's butter or mastic.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34These days, I just buy stuff, take it home, see what it is, just open it.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Have a little surprise. "Oh, look at this, love!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Puffin hearts!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"You want one? Want one?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44"A bit like olives!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"Oh, look, wasps, cooked in their own business."
0:06:51 > 0:06:53No, I love it there.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58I love the way they've kept it simple as well. It's no frills, isn't it?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It's less a supermarket, more like a famine relief centre.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05The best thing about it is, I like the fact at the checkout,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07they don't go in for the bag for life.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10They don't go in for what I call the bag for life shit, you know?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I say, "Don't give me that bag for life shit, lady."
0:07:14 > 0:07:16You know, cos I don't like that.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I'm out shopping. I don't want to think about my own death.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Just getting a few bits and bobs, you know?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27To be honest, bag for life, I'm not even sure if I want these genitals for life.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32I don't believe in God, I think we're on this planet once, why not try everything?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35ONE PERSON LAUGHS
0:07:35 > 0:07:37EVERYBODY LAUGHS
0:07:37 > 0:07:39That went down well, didn't it?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43I'm not saying I want a vagina. No!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46No, maybe just something furry, like a meerkat would be nice.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Oh, that's lovely, that is.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Soft. Feel that, that is soft.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58You know those bags for life? Do you know why they last so long?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's cos you never use them, do you?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05I'm always at the checkout going, "Oh, bollocks!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"Forgotten it again!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I've got a cummerbund at home that's seen more action.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25The only way I'd remember the bag for life, if I had a couple of them sewn
0:08:25 > 0:08:28into the sleeves of my jacket, like kids' mittens.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I'd just walk around with two bags for life.
0:08:35 > 0:08:41"You got your bag for life?" "Too bloody right! Oh, yeah, yeah!
0:08:41 > 0:08:45"Now fill it with vodka and fags.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"I'm ironic.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50"Let's see who goes first. Me or the bag.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"It's a duel."
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Don't get me wrong, I think they're a very good idea.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I just don't think it's the right way to go about it,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02cos they sort of shame you into buying them.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06The checkout girl pulls out the carrier bags, looks at you in disgust.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Like she's pulling other women's knickers out of her husband's glove box.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16"Dirty, dirty bastard!"
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Maybe I've read a bit too much into that look.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23But welcome, welcome to the show.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27It's a fantastic show we've got tonight. We have got some very special guests.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30We've got Esther Rantzen here. Hello, Esther.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35I can remember watching That's Life, and it was a great show.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38One of the best things about it was they used to have funny-shaped vegetables.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40They used to show off if they had a funny-shaped vegetable,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44we'd sit round the telly going, "Look at that parsnip!" It was great.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49You know, they'd have, like, a cauliflower in the shape of a penis, and you'd go, "Blimey!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It was an amazing feeling.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Life was quite dull, back then. Now it's all changed, television.
0:09:54 > 0:10:00Now you've got Embarrassing Bodies, and they've got penises in the shape of cauliflowers.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And we all have a laugh about that now, don't we?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07And hello, Stephen. All right?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Welcome. When you're on Wild On Heart, the vet show,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15when that came out, I was really excited cos I thought, "Vets in Africa!"
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I thought there'd be loads of lions wandering round
0:10:18 > 0:10:20with those plastic funnel collars on.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Or a giraffe whose back legs have gone, so they put two penny farthings on it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Or an elephant with worms, dragging its arse along the floor.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44It's a great show. You also ballooned in Africa, didn't you?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47I mean, not like Chris Moyles, you actually went in a balloon.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51What am I like?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- Did you like ballooning?- Yeah, I did. - I went ballooning, and I thought,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"This is a bit like RyanAir, isn't it?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01You've just got a basket, it's pretty basic,
0:11:01 > 0:11:06and you tend to land about 50 miles away from where you planned to, don't you?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Yeah.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10That RyanAir guy, Michael O'Leary, he's a crazy guy.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13He's always trying to save a few quid, isn't he?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Shaving off the money wherever he can, and recently I heard he plans to do flights
0:11:17 > 0:11:19where everyone stands up on the plane,
0:11:19 > 0:11:24and also he wants to get rid of the co-pilot, so there's just one pilot on a flight.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26And I thought, "What he's actually doing
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"is playing Kerplunk" with airline safety."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"I'll take that out. Ooh! Still works.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"Ooh! Still works.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40"Shit! Christ!"
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I've got new glasses as well.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Yeah, went to Specsavers.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Wasn't my idea. Someone suggested it to me.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Yeah. I thought it was very rude of the guy seeing as I'd just fallen in the river.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"Should have gone to Specsavers, mate!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You don't even know if I can swim.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Cos that's how I swim, sort of camp and upright.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16I love wearing glasses, I love wearing glasses. What I like about it is,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20any time I want, I can do this, right, and the world's a completely different place.
0:12:20 > 0:12:26Sort of fuzzy, soft-focus, dreamy landscape, where nothing really bad can happen.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Normal people have to take drugs to feel like this.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35With my glasses off, I'll drive through gaps I wouldn't dream of with them on.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41If I've got to reverse a caravan over a hump-backed bridge onto a rusting ferry,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44the first thing I'll think is, "We won't be needing these, will we?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:53It's fine when I take my glasses off. There's a lady there wears glasses. Do you have this?
0:12:53 > 0:12:58You know when people ask you to try your glasses on, right, they never wait to be handed them, do they?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01They do, they just take them off.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03People say, "Can I try your glasses on?"
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Then they just take them off your face.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11It's so rude. I think, "Oh, thanks very much, now I'm blind. Nice one."
0:13:13 > 0:13:18But then, then they put them on, and they go, "Bloody hell, how d'you see through this?"
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Just laugh in your face.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23"Ha ha ha ha ha!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"You're blind, aren't you?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"Ha ha ha ha ha!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:31It's so rude, isn't it?
0:13:31 > 0:13:36I mean, you wouldn't go up to someone in a wheelchair and go, "let's have a go in that, mate.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40"How d'you get about?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44"Wooo!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46"Woo-oo, woo-oo, woo-oo.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"This is ridiculous, isn't it?"
0:13:52 > 0:13:55So are you ready for the main act of the evening?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57CHEERING
0:13:57 > 0:14:02Please put your hands together, go mad for a wonderful comedian, John Bishop!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06CHEERING
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Thank you!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Hello, good evening. How are ya?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Good, good, good.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Thank you. Thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Thank you. Thank you!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36WHISTLING
0:14:36 > 0:14:39That's what I like about this job. I used to have another life.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I used to have another job. I don't know if anyone remembers them.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44They was something that was popular a few years ago.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Loads of us had one. They were great fun. We used to do it every day.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I know now it's not as popular as it used to be. Er...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56But I used to have a job and I was speaking to a mate of mine recently
0:14:56 > 0:14:59and he said, "What's it like doing this job compared to your old job?"
0:14:59 > 0:15:04I said, the only way I can describe it, "It's like having oral sex
0:15:04 > 0:15:06"with a girl who's got big teeth."
0:15:06 > 0:15:09You know what I mean? Cos it can be brilliant,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12but you know at any moment, it can all go wrong.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:21All right, I've got to be honest,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24this isn't the first time I've done Live At The Apollo.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I did Live At The Apollo a year ago,
0:15:27 > 0:15:33and it was brilliant because this is an absolutely brilliant venue.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34It's fantastic. But I did it,
0:15:34 > 0:15:38and what happened is, I left the job that I used to have.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I left the job. And what I did is what a lot of comedians do
0:15:41 > 0:15:45when you leave the job or you try to go full-time as a comedian.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I went on tour. The first tour I'd ever done.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51The difference between that first tour I did
0:15:51 > 0:15:56and the tour I recently did is, no-one came to the first tour.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00And when I say no-one came, no-one came.
0:16:00 > 0:16:06Honestly, it was less of a tour and more of me just driving round on my own,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08having a little look at England.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12But what happens is, when you do a tour, and you'll see it here outside
0:16:12 > 0:16:17the Hammersmith Apollo, you'll see people with flyers with the tour dates on.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18And I got this flyer made
0:16:18 > 0:16:21with all the places I was going to around the country.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25And one of my mates saw the flyer, and the big London date I had on my
0:16:25 > 0:16:30first ever tour was a place called the Leicester Square Theatre.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Yeah, you'll know it. I'm sure you'll know it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36The Leicester Square Theatre, in the heart of Leicester Square.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39It's got 400 seats in it, it's a beautiful theatre.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I'm sure people in here will know the Leicester Square Theatre.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Downstairs, it's got a small room.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I was booked in the small room.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54The small room holds 25 people.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57But when you put your flyer out, you don't put
0:16:57 > 0:17:01"I'm doing the Leicester Square Theatre, but calm down,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"I'm only downstairs in the small room."
0:17:03 > 0:17:06You let people think you're doing the Leicester Square Theatre.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08My mates picked up the flyer.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11They said "You're going to give comedy a go?" I said, "I am."
0:17:11 > 0:17:14They said "You know what we're going to do? We've had a chat."
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"We're going to come to one of your tour dates."
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I said "Lads, I'd really appreciate your support."
0:17:19 > 0:17:24They said "Brilliant. What we're going to do, we're going to come to your big London date!"
0:17:24 > 0:17:30I said "You don't have to do that." They said "No, we're going to come to your big London date."
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I don't know if anyone's ever been in the small room
0:17:33 > 0:17:35of the Leicester Square Theatre.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36There's not even a stage.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Honestly, there's a curtain... This is about three years ago, this.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43There's a curtain in the corner where you get changed.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's like playing charades at your nan's.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50You change behind the curtain, step out and go "Hiya"!
0:17:50 > 0:17:55I got changed behind the curtain, I stepped out on my big London date, I went "Hiya"!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59There were 16 people in the room.
0:17:59 > 0:18:0114 were my mates.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Two were Japanese tourists who were just lost.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Can you imagine a what a walk that was?
0:18:10 > 0:18:16I had to do a full show of comedy to my mates, about my mates.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19And then afterwards, we'd organised to go for a curry.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22So we all went for a curry, which you should never be able to do.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27No comedian should ever be able to go for a curry with the whole audience.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30And it was, it was the whole audience, because the Japanese came.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32They thought it was part of the show.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And it's amazing how things change in your life,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40because I'm sat there and at that point,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I was, you know, I'd left the job
0:18:42 > 0:18:47probably about 12 months, and I was struggling to get gigs, I was struggling to get booked.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I'd gone on this tour, no-one had come and I was sat with my mates.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53There's certain moments in your life where your mates
0:18:53 > 0:18:57just prove why they're your mates, and just say something that's...
0:18:57 > 0:18:58That means so much to you.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I'm sat there having this curry with my mates, and I said
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"Listen, lads, I'm really sorry."
0:19:04 > 0:19:05They said "What for?"
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I said "Well, you've come all the way here and there's no-one here."
0:19:09 > 0:19:11And they said "Yeah, it was a bit shit."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:21I said "Well, to be honest with you, lads, I'm thinking of giving it up." They said "What do you mean?"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I said, "I'm thinking of giving comedy up."
0:19:24 > 0:19:25"I'm just not making enough money."
0:19:25 > 0:19:30"I'm not getting more money on the mortgage, we're struggling at the house."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"And I just don't...I just don't think I can make it work."
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Then my mates turned round and said "Don't do that, give it another go.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41"Give it one more year, give it maybe 18 months, just see what happens.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46"Just give it one more go. Don't give up now, because you'll never know what would have happened."
0:19:46 > 0:19:47And I went...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I said "That's brilliant, that.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"What you've just done there, lads,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"I'm never going to forget that."
0:19:56 > 0:20:02I said "If I ever get booked on something big, something like Live At The Apollo",
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I said "You're comin', all 14..."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You two aren't.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11All 14 of you are comin'.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"Because we're on this journey together."
0:20:14 > 0:20:17And me mates went "Yeah, OK."
0:20:17 > 0:20:2112 months later, I got a phone call from the producer of Live At The Apollo.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24He said "John, we'd like you to come on Live at The Apollo."
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I said "I would love to come on Live At The Apollo.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"Do I get any guest tickets?"
0:20:29 > 0:20:31He said "Normally, you can have two."
0:20:34 > 0:20:36I said "I need 14."
0:20:36 > 0:20:40He said "You cheeky bastard! You're lucky to be on the show."
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I said "I know, but I genuinely need 14."
0:20:44 > 0:20:47He said "Why on earth do you need 14?"
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I said "I need them for my mates."
0:20:49 > 0:20:54He said "You what? Why on earth do you need 14 tickets for your mates?"
0:20:54 > 0:20:59And I just couldn't think of anything else to say. I just went
0:20:59 > 0:21:01"One of them's not got long."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04LAUGHTER
0:21:04 > 0:21:06He said "I'll see what I can do."
0:21:06 > 0:21:10He put the phone down and phoned me back ten minutes later.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13He still works on the show.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17He said "John, I've got you 14 tickets
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"for a recording of Live At The Apollo."
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I said thanks. He said "John?" I went "What?" He said "Be strong."
0:21:31 > 0:21:32I said "I'll do my best."
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I put the phone down. I phoned my mates up and said "Lads,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"you're not going to believe what's just happened."
0:21:39 > 0:21:44I said "I've been booked on Live At The Apollo.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"And what's more, you're coming, all 14 of you are coming,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50"but one of you has got to wear a cap."
0:21:50 > 0:21:52LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I turned up to do Live At The Apollo last year.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03It was here, obviously, the Hammersmith Apollo.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Biggest gig of my life, biggest gig of my life.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I turned up, there's 3500 people in the audience.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14I'm shitting myself. The last gig I'd done in London, there were 16.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15So I'm shitting myself.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20I'm on just like tonight, and last year I was on with Rhod Gilbert.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I'm stood at the side of the stage and I'm shitting myself.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'm watching Rhod Gilbert and wobbling from side to side.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30That's what I do when I'm nervous. I don't know if anyone else does.
0:22:30 > 0:22:36I just rock from side to side, like in my own head, I think I would be less nervous if I was on a ship.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41So I'm just rocking from side to side and watching Rhod Gilbert.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46There's nothing worse for a comedian than watching somebody
0:22:46 > 0:22:49who's brilliant and knowing you've got to follow them.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Watching someone who's better at it than you are, and you've got to follow.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55It's like waiting for your turn at an orgy
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and finding you're behind the porn star.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04You're stood there going "You could have finished ages ago."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06And I'm stood at the side of the stage like that
0:23:06 > 0:23:12watching Rhod Gilbert, and the only advice the BBC give when you do Live At The Apollo is, they say
0:23:12 > 0:23:16"There's a good chance you're going to freeze when you go out there.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20"So don't interact with the audience. Just remember your material,
0:23:20 > 0:23:21"concentrate on your material."
0:23:21 > 0:23:26So I'm stood at the side of the stage watching Rhod Gilbert, trying to remember my material.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I know there's 3500 people in the audience.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Amongst those 3500 people, I know there's 14 of my mates,
0:23:34 > 0:23:39who have either forgot to wear a cap or are all wearing a cap.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I thought, I bet one of them has come in a surgical gown with a drip,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44going "I'm taking no chances, lads."
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I'm there, I'm stood at the side of the stage.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55You know what happens? You stand behind the word Apollo.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57The girl from the BBC comes up to me
0:23:57 > 0:24:01and says "John, listen, Rhod is about to finish,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"so you need to get in position." She leaves me behind the word Apollo.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08You stand behind the word Apollo, the word Apollo comes up,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11your name gets announced and you walk on. That sounds dead easy,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and it probably is. If you're not shitting yourself.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I get left behind the word Apollo.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21I'm stood rocking from side to side, trying to remember my material.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I'm stood rocking from side to side.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24I'm stood behind the letter L.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30I'm about to go on the biggest gig of my life, shitting myself,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33trying to remember my material.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Before she walks away, she just stops and says
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"John, has anyone told you about the change in transmission time"?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I said "What?"
0:24:41 > 0:24:45She said "Has anyone told you about the change in transmission time"?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I said "What are you talking about?"
0:24:47 > 0:24:50She said "The BBC, they've changed the slot.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"We were originally going to be on after ten.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58"We're now going to be on some time between nine and ten on a Saturday night."
0:24:58 > 0:24:59I went "So what?"
0:24:59 > 0:25:05She said "That means you're allowed two twats, one wank, nothing stronger", and walked off.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I forgot everything I was going to say!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I only had three words in my head.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16At that point, I heard Rhod Gilbert say "Ladies and gentlemen. please welcome John Bishop!"
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Instinctively, I walked forward.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22What I should have done is wait for the sign to come up.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I banged my head on the letter L.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29If you ever watch, they'd filled the stage with smoke to cover it,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31which meant I couldn't see where I was going.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34It was like being in an Ultravox video.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I come out, and I'm stood here.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40I just started talking, and fair enough, it went OK.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Afterwards, I walked off.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Afterwards, they take you to a bar
0:25:45 > 0:25:49and the only people allowed into the bar are the acts
0:25:49 > 0:25:54who had been on the stage, the odd person from the BBC, the odd agent.
0:25:54 > 0:26:00And selected - selected VIP guests.
0:26:00 > 0:26:07On the night that I was on, they only had 14 selected VIP guests.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Who were already pissed by the time they arrived,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14passing the cap between each other.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26"You put it on, I'm cured. Look at me, I'm cured!"
0:26:26 > 0:26:29You go into the bar, it's a VIP bar.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Me and my mates aren't used to a VIP bar.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35We just get pissed. They drink everything in the bar.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36They drink the bar dry.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41The girl from the BBC comes up to me again and says "John, I'm sorry, there's nothing left.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44"But I've organised you a car back to your hotel."
0:26:44 > 0:26:48So my mates turn round and said "What about us?"
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I said "There's 14 of you."
0:26:50 > 0:26:52They went "Oh, you've changed."
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I said "How can I get 14 in a taxi?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01"I can't get 14 in a taxi. I'll take two of you.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"I'll take sick boy and one other."
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Then they started fighting over the hat.
0:27:07 > 0:27:13I said "The other 12 - get taxis. I'll see you back at the hotel."
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I was in the car for ten minutes when my phone rang.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It was the producer from Live At The Apollo.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20He said "John, I'm just phoning you up
0:27:20 > 0:27:22"to let you know the panic's over."
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I said "What panic?" He said "It's OK, we had a little problem,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29"but it's been resolved." I said "I didn't know there was a problem."
0:27:29 > 0:27:36He said "There was a little problem, but it's OK, I've managed to organise a minibus..."
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"..For your 12 writers."
0:27:38 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER
0:27:44 > 0:27:49Ladies and gentlemen, I've been John Bishop. Thanks for listening, good night and God bless.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:00All right, John?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02John Bishop!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11John was talking about being nervous before you come out
0:28:11 > 0:28:14and it is a big venue, it's quite nerve-racking.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17It's weird what people say to you before gigs. I did a gig recently
0:28:17 > 0:28:20at the Swiss Embassy, it was like a cultural exchange.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22I don't know why they had me on.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Just before I went on, somebody said to me
0:28:25 > 0:28:28"Oh, by the way, don't mention Swiss Nazi gold."
0:28:30 > 0:28:33I thought it was a radio station, I had no idea.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39You've been a fantastic crowd, give it up for John Bishop.
0:28:39 > 0:28:44I've been Sean Lock. Thank you very much, good night!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE