0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - Lee Mack!
0:00:24 > 0:00:29MUSIC: "Take Your Mama" by SCISSOR SISTERS
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hello, Hammersmith Apollo!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42YES! Here we are.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Welcome to the Apollo for Live At The Apollo,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48and tonight we've got two fantastic comedians for you.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I must warn you in advance that I'm the host, so my job tonight
0:00:52 > 0:00:55is to throw as many jokes as possible at you and hope that some of them work.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Like my old mum used to say, "If you throw enough shit, some of it will stick."
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I used to say, "Come on, Mum, can't we get a PlayStation?"
0:01:03 > 0:01:06There'll be different types of comedy tonight.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09There'll be a little bit of observational.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12I don't do much observational. I find it hard to write.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15You're supposed to talk about stuff you've noticed.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17And my problem is I don't notice anything.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19See, cos I don't do anything.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22A lot of comedians will talk about going to the supermarket.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I do all my stuff online.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29A lot of comedians will talk about their sex lives. Same problem.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31But...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34It is nice to be here. Everyone's out here. All the celebs.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Everyone's drinking. You can drink in here, can you?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39That's brilliant, mate. Well done, you.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I like a drink, actually.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I joined a wine club, recently.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46We meet every morning at nine o'clock in the park.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I'm obsessed with drinking. I was in the Queen's Head the other day...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Prince Philip wasn't happy.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01And we were talking about the phrase "pissed as newts".
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Cos you don't get that any more now. Pissed as newts.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06People used to say it all the time.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I've come to the conclusion that what happened was
0:02:09 > 0:02:12all the newts got together and said, "Right, lads...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16"..we're going to sort ourselves out
0:02:16 > 0:02:21"cos we are getting a terrible reputation."
0:02:21 > 0:02:22And the other one's gone,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"Well, what are we going to do with all this booze?"
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And the other one's gone, "Oh, I don't know.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30"Pour it down that rat's arse."
0:02:35 > 0:02:38You see, I like the Government's attitude.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41They have decided they're going to stop binge drinking.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45What they're going to do is, they're going to increase the tax on alcopops.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Cos that's going to work, isn't it? Two fat women lying in the gutter at 2am.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- GEORDIE ACCENT:- "Are yous all right, love?" "Aye, I'm really fine.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"Just go and get us another bottle of Hooch, you daft bitch!"
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"Are you sure yous want one?" "Aye, why not?"
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"I'll tell yous why.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"You know the Government have raised duty on alcopops by 12.5%?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:09"It's what? That is totally disproportionate to the rate of inflation,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"especially when you consider the current fiscal quarter!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16"12.5% increase on the average unit price of £2.70 a bottle?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"That's an increase of almost 33.1 pence
0:03:20 > 0:03:23"on every unit price, and that sort of inflatory rise
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"is not just steep, it's totally unsustainable
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"in a modern western democratic economy."
0:03:29 > 0:03:34"No, forget it! Get us a bottle of water instead.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"I'm going to go home and have a long, hard look at me life."
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Sorry, before people complain and write in,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54yes, I didn't need to use a Newcastle accent. I'm sorry.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Have we got any Geordies in tonight?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I'm not going to take the mickey. I love the Geordies, right?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Do you know what I read about Newcastle?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05If you took all the chips that were eaten in Newcastle on a Friday night
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and put them in a pile, they would reach out
0:04:07 > 0:04:11and grab those chips back. It's a fact.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22So we've got a plethora, a plethora of stars in tonight.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25And Jim Rosenthal. We've got them all in. Right.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Adam Woodyatt. Adam Woodyatt's in. Where's Adam? Where are you, Adam?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Ian Beale from EastEnders, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33CHEERING AND BOOING
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Wow, he's been in that show longer than Pat Butcher's beard.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Hasn't he? He's been in it for ages.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43And you're a Twitter fan, Adam. Is that true?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I'm not going to take the mick.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46I don't do Twitter.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I hate computers.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I hate all the little terminology they use.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I rung up for some help for my website the other day.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I said, "I'm having troubles getting onto my website,"
0:04:56 > 0:04:59and this bloke said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I said, "I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man."
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It's great... And Donal MacIntyre.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Donal MacIntyre's here! Donal MacIntyre!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Where are you, Donal MacIntyre? Put your hand up.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Donal MacIntyre with his hand up, and that's why you were
0:05:23 > 0:05:25so rubbish at being undercover.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30"I'm here! Oh, they broke me again."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I'll tell you what we have started doing, which is weird, me and my wife.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38It's wrong to row in front of kids, isn't it?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42No-one likes to do that, right? We've started doing this weird thing,
0:05:42 > 0:05:48where instead of actually rowing, we started singing the row.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52This started when we went to France. We broke down on the Eurostar, didn't move for three hours,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54and my wife turned round to me and went,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57# Told you we should've got the plane. #
0:05:58 > 0:06:00All right. Oh, no, you don't.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02# You said get the plane
0:06:02 > 0:06:04# Don't tell me what you said
0:06:04 > 0:06:07# Don't tell me you can't remember because of...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10# Don't tell me about my bloody drinking
0:06:10 > 0:06:12# I don't get drunk
0:06:12 > 0:06:14# Don't tell me in front of the kids. #
0:06:14 > 0:06:17We think the kids can't notice. I look in the aisle,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19they've got top hats and canes going,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21# Oh, Dad's such a twat he's such a bloody twat is
0:06:21 > 0:06:23# Dad, he's a twat! #
0:06:29 > 0:06:32So such stars. Sarah Beeny?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36I believe Sarah Beeny's in. Hello, Sarah Beeny!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39You know about property, don't you? Where do you live, then?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Streatham.- Streatham.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Nice. I like Streatham.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44SCATTERED CHEERS
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Some nice parts of Streatham. Not you, you bunch of...
0:06:47 > 0:06:52You've got to live in a nice area. It's like your mate Kirstie Allsopp
0:06:52 > 0:06:53always says on Channel 4.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57She's always saying "location, location, location",
0:06:57 > 0:07:00but we all know what she's really thinking is
0:07:00 > 0:07:02"biscuits, biscuits, biscuits"!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"I don't like these bevelled floorboards."
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"Well, they were all right before you came in, princess."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17We're going to bring on the first act, but first,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I'd like to tell you a story. This is what it's like living in London.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22It's the same everywhere.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I hate the hard sell. You know you get the hard sell. I got it the other day.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30You know when people ring and say, "Do you want to combine the gas with the electric?"
0:07:30 > 0:07:32and I think, "It sounds dangerous!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I hate the hard sell. It's horrible, innit?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42This is a true story. The other day I was lying in bed with a hangover.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It's awful when your cock's so big it won't stay in the bed?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I had a stinking hangover!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53And I get this phone call, right?
0:07:55 > 0:08:00And I knew this bloke was trying to sell me something with his opening line, right?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Cos he said, "Hello, sir. How are you today?"
0:08:07 > 0:08:08I said, "No, thank you."
0:08:08 > 0:08:12And he genuinely got the hump and said, "No, thank you what?"
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I said, "Sorry. No, thank you, please."
0:08:18 > 0:08:22He said, "I'm phoning from EDF." I said, "I'm not interested.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24"He said, "I haven't told you what it is yet."
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I said, "You're ringing to offer me a free season ticket to Wembley
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"plus access to Dirty Brenda's all-night knocking shop
0:08:30 > 0:08:32"with as many chocolate Hobnobs as I can eat."
0:08:32 > 0:08:37He said, "No, I'm not. I'm ringing to talk about your domestic fuel bills."
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I said, "Why didn't you say that in the first place?!
0:08:39 > 0:08:45"Keep talking, son." He said, "Well, sir..."
0:08:45 > 0:08:47cos he didn't get the sarcasm.
0:08:50 > 0:08:56He said, "How would you feel about paying less for your gas?"
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I said, "Honestly?"
0:08:58 > 0:08:59He said, "Yes."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I said, "I reckon I'd feel exactly the same,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"but I'd be paying less for me gas."
0:09:12 > 0:09:14He said, "Who's your current supplier?"
0:09:14 > 0:09:18I said, "It's Big Pete. He comes round every Thursday on a moped."
0:09:18 > 0:09:23I said, "Oh, sorry, GAS! I thought you meant electricity."
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I said, "It's British Gas. "He said, "Can I ask why you chose them?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I said, "Well, it's a funny story.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"I needed some gas and I live in Britain, and I don't know
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"what it was, but they seemed to be ticking all the right boxes!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:37At this point, he got the hump and said,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"I'll ring someone who'll answer less sarcastically."
0:09:40 > 0:09:44I said, "Phone someone else, they'll be less sarcastic, stay on the phone longer,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"but they'll still end up saying no to you anyway."
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I said, "I don't know who's providing your current rejection,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"but if you switch to me, I would combine the rejection
0:09:53 > 0:09:57"with the sarcasm and save you up to 15% on your cold-calling time!"
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Do you know what he did? He tried to offer me Nectar points!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Let me tell you something about Nectar points.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I spent the last two years collecting them.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Do you know how many I've got? Enough for a tiny jar of honey.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I'd have been better off collecting bloody nectar!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I'm glad you laughed at that joke
0:10:16 > 0:10:19cos when I did it a month ago in Ireland, it got nothing.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I did a gig, two nights in Ireland.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I did that joke about the Nectar points, got nothing.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I walked off and the bloke that travels with me...
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I went, "Why did that joke not get a laugh?" He went, "I know.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"They don't have Nectar points in Ireland."
0:10:33 > 0:10:36What are you telling me now for, after the gig?!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40He said, "Don't worry. Tomorrow night, say Tesco's points."
0:10:46 > 0:10:49I don't know what's worse, the fact that he suggested that
0:10:49 > 0:10:54or the fact that half of you are now looking at me and going, "What happened? Did it work?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57"What about Lidl points, Asda points?"
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to bring on the first act.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07It gives me great pleasure to bring on this act.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10There's comedians that are brilliant
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and there are comedians that are very close friends,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17and I can honestly say that this bloke is neither.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18No, he's brilliant.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21One of my favourite acts and you're going to love him.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Please welcome back to Live At The Apollo the amazing Rich Hall!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Thank you! God bless you.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Look at you, look at you, look at you.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Riding the big wave of comedy, are you, fella?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Snapped off your tie and came straight from the office, did you?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You got that look of comic desperation in your face,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56like maybe you've had a rough day at the office.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Don't...
0:11:58 > 0:12:02He's probably wanted by the law. Get that camera out of his face.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I've seen the guy on Crimewatch. Get it out of here!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06The man wants to sit in the front row
0:12:06 > 0:12:10with his hot girlfriend and have a little privacy.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I read an article recently, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17that said that stand-up comedy killed folk music.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Really? Because it's a better form of protest and dissent.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I reckon probably what killed folk music was the day that folk musicians
0:12:27 > 0:12:30realised that practically everybody on the planet owns a hammer.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39What are you hammering out there, Mr Folk-singer?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Well, I'm hammering in the morning. Really?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46I'm hammering in the evening. No shit. I've been hearing you.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I'm hammering out danger,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50a warning,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54the love between my brother and sister. Really?
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Whatever's going on with your brother and sister really doesn't need to be hammered out, OK?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I'm pretty sure that was illegal AND immoral.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Why don't you put down that hammer before I shove it up your banjo-playing ass?
0:13:11 > 0:13:15I think that the reason that Brits appreciate comedy is because,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18you know, the darker things get, the more you need to laugh.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19You know what I'm saying?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And this is a dark country, ladies and gentlemen.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Brits love it when someone dies in a joke. That's hilarious.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30If a big stage truss hit me on the head right now, I'd have my own series by Monday.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34What about the Irish? They have a wonderful sense of humour.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37They do, but they can't handle morbidity.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I did a six-city tour of Ireland and I'm thinking, great, the Irish.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Woo-hoo! They don't even need comedy.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45They're perfectly self-entertaining.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I'm on a train travelling to the south
0:13:47 > 0:13:52and I'm reading the Irish paper, the Times, and this is what the headline said -
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"Cork man drowns."
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Thanks, Britain, for actually getting that because...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02that was handed to me on a paper plate.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Look at that. "Cork man drowns."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I've got to read the rest. If this guy's name is Bob,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I'm going to eat a bug. And it was.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12The guy's name is Bob.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15So I get to Cork, look at that, "Cork man drowns." Not a peep.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19There's tumbleweeds from Ireland crossing the stage.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Don't make fun of Bob, he's dead. Sorry, Ireland.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I know there's a different approach in Britain to the economic situation.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31America is... Britain is just cut, cut, cut, cut, austerity, cut,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34you're going to suffer, cut, cut, cut, and America is
0:14:34 > 0:14:38"Buy more shit, spend our way out of this!"
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Shooting money out of a dollar cannon
0:14:40 > 0:14:43and every piece of shit gadget that comes on the market.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I love the subtlety of British TV ads.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Like unbelievably subtle.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51It's almost like they're not trying to sell you something.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55You watch it, and 30 minutes later... What were they selling?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58What the hell was that? 600 Vikings just waded out of the ocean,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01walked into a pub, and one drove away in a Citroen.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What were they selling?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Deodorant. Really?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10American consumerism is based on taking out
0:15:10 > 0:15:13late-night ads and pretending that you're mentally deficient.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15You're screaming at the top of your voice,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18"Come on down to Wally's World of Mortgages!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"That's right, we've got mortgages.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"I'm crazy. The boss left with the keys. I'm by the safe.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"I don't even work here. We'll give you a mortgage.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29"Even if you've never heard of a mortgage, come down and we'll give you one.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31"Can't pay us back, won't pay us back?
0:15:31 > 0:15:35"We don't give a shit, even if you're a crack whore popping babies out of your womb
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"like self-rising biscuits, come on down here now. You're a home-owner."
0:15:41 > 0:15:44People will take advantage of that guy. He seems nuts.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48It's the ad crunch spectacular -
0:15:48 > 0:15:52a whole infomercial devoted to the biggest piece of shit ever perpetrated on the public.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55You can have a washboard stomach in 12...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Who needs a washboard stomach?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Are you going to play hillbilly bluegrass music right off your stomach?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It's shit!
0:16:04 > 0:16:05"Hi, I'm Chuck Norris.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09"I used to pummel vaguely Middle Eastern looking guys for a living.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13"Now I'm selling this piece of shit Velcro nailed to an old ski.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18"Flip it over, it's a canoe. Turn it inside out, it's a ladies' dress." It's shit!
0:16:18 > 0:16:21"You can have it by tomorrow." Course you can cos it's a piece of shit.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24That's what we do in America. We make lots of crap,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26but we deliver it really, really fast.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Good things come to those who wait,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30but shit pretty much shows up right away.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Pick up the phone. I'd like the ad crunch... Bing-bong.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36That was fast.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41I'd love to tell you things are better in America, but...LAUGHS
0:16:41 > 0:16:45..I don't...I don't really know. It's, er...
0:16:45 > 0:16:50We have a fantastic president, but most Americans just want to see his birth certificate.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Show us your birth certificate, Obama?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I watched the elections here. I kind of watched them.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I kept an eye on 'em. I didn't get the full brunt of it.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Basically, I left the country for a while, Gordon Brown was in charge.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I came back. Now, apparently, the country's being led by two gay antiques dealers.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14I don't know how that happened. But at least they're getting along.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Let me explain it to you. There's two parties in America.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19There's Republicans and Democrats.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Republicans are called the red states, Democrats are the blue states.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28The blue states are generally either on the west coast or on the Atlantic seaboard,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32so basically a Democrat is anyone who's seen water.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36If you go to America, find a Republican and take him to the beach.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Even Republicans hate each other now, so they have a splinter group called the Teabaggers...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42the Tea Party, Teabaggers...
0:17:42 > 0:17:46whose leader is Sarah Palin, future presidential candidate
0:17:46 > 0:17:49who spent two years governing 8,000 square miles of snow
0:17:49 > 0:17:52and would occasionally nip out at lunch
0:17:52 > 0:17:55to blow the head off a moose from 300 yards away.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00That's presidential material. Another woman who's moved to the forefront,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04running for senator from Delaware, named Christine O'Donnell,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08who's running on a platform of anti-masturbation.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11She actually wants to make masturbation illegal.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I give that law six minutes.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Cos the Bible says it's wrong. These are her exact words...
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"Well, if my husband has figured out how to please himself,
0:18:22 > 0:18:23"why am I in the picture?"
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I got news for you. You're not.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32No man ever whacked one out of the ball park thinking of his wife.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39You could be thinking of a 300lb-Bavarian-milkmaid
0:18:39 > 0:18:42strapped over a barrel while you bang her with a kayak paddle,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44wearing a Burger-King paper crown
0:18:44 > 0:18:47and making her call you Mr King Big Daddy Spanky Bottom.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Just as you're about to shoot a ropey parabola of man juice
0:18:52 > 0:18:53onto her ham-hock buttocks,
0:18:53 > 0:18:57David Hasselhoff walks in dressed as a Luftwaffe pilot and says,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"You've got a tax refund coming."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02And if that's wrong, I don't want to be right!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:18 > 0:19:24Rich Hall! Rich Hall. Marvellous.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Before the next act, I'll just tell you a few quick things.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Time for a quick joke.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29I'm on tour at the moment
0:19:29 > 0:19:34and this joke that I'm about to tell you hasn't been working.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It's been getting nothing so I thought,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39what better thing to do than tell it on national television?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42This hasn't been working. And it's my favourite joke.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I've always wanted to kidnap the ex-professional tennis player Pat Cash,
0:19:46 > 0:19:51just so after his family have rung up and paid the ransom,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I can say, "Do you want Cash back?"
0:19:53 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I knew that joke was all right!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58What does Swindon know? The bunch of inbreds.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring on the next act.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07There's an old saying in comedy, "we always save the best till last."
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Well, tonight, something a little bit different.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I'm joking! You'll love this man,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17he's fantastic and all the way from Scotland.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Will you please welcome the absolutely brilliant Danny Bhoy!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24MUSIC: "I'm Gonna Be" by The Proclaimers
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Hello.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37Hello, hello, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41It's lovely to be here in London. I'm not from here. I'm from Scotland.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Well, I'm half-Scottish, half-Indian,
0:20:43 > 0:20:48which means, unlike most Scots, I don't get sunburned watching fireworks.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54We're terrible. We spend all year complaining about the cold.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57"It's cold out there, Danny, it's cold. It's always cold."
0:20:57 > 0:21:00First day we go on holiday, "It's too hot for me.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04"Welcome to Heathrow airport, your flight's over there in 20 minutes."
0:21:06 > 0:21:09But we have no dangerous animals in Scotland.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12It's almost like, when Noah was travelling around the world,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16he didn't come back to Scotland for the drop-off.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Or didn't go there in the first place.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Think about his message. He wouldn't have got a great reception in Scotland.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Hello, Scotland, I am Noah.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28All right, pal, how's it going? All right?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Yes, I'm all right.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Scotland, I need two of all of your animals.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Oh, aye. How are you going to pay for these?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Is it going to be cash or cheque or what?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46No, Scotland, I'm a messenger of God.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50There is to be 40 days and nights of rain.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Oh, that's good. Say it again. Say it to him. Please. That's good.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Listen to this. 40 days and nights of rain?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03We're on 52 at the moment, Noah.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06It's not a great prediction, is it?
0:22:06 > 0:22:1040 days and nights. What a chancer, eh?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It's one of the things I like about Scotland. No dangerous animals.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17A lot of things I like about Scotland, things that other people don't like.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I like the brown grass and the rain that hurts your face.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I like the... I like our national anthem.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28It's the best national anthem in the world, Flower Of Scotland, because it tells a story
0:22:28 > 0:22:31of Robert the Bruce's victory at the Battle of Bannockburn.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35# Oh, flower of Scotland when will we see your likes again? #
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Gets you there.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39It's the only national anthem in the world that I know of
0:22:39 > 0:22:43that makes provision for people with Tourette's to join in.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44In the chorus, we sing,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# And stood against them... # HE SHOUTS: Against who!
0:22:47 > 0:22:52# Proud Edward's army... # Bastards!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54# And sent them homewards... # Wankers!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58# To think again. # Happy New Year. Aye, Happy New Year.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I don't know, though.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05I love all that old music.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I do. I love it all, that lovely hymns and...
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I'm not keen on modern music now.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I don't get it. I don't like it. I don't like all that club music.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18You know, the oof, oof, oof. Oof, oof, oof.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21You hear it coming out of every single doorway on a Friday night.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Oof, oof, oof, oof, oof.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Sounds like a cat trying to be sick.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Oof, oof, oof.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31That's what cats do. Oof, oof, oof, oof, oof.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37When I go into my living room and the cat's on the sofa going,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40oof, oof, oof, oof, I don't go, "Oh, yeah!"
0:23:43 > 0:23:45You get out of there!
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Cat-owners, you'll know what I'm talking about. That's a moment of panic.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You know you've only got a few seconds.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Shit, door, window! Open the door, open a window!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Hold on. Please hold on! It gets faster...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Oof, oof, oof. Please open that door quick!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Jesus Christ!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Eh? That was close.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10They're so schizophrenic, cats. Ten minutes later, your nice effeminate cat comes in.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Miaow! That's my cat. I love my cat.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Come here, you. Are you all right now?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18It comes in...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Am I all right? What was that all about?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Am I all right?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Smashed my face on that wall. Did you know that was there?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Did you know that was there, did you?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Straight into it. Tried to get round.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I couldn't get round.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49You don't believe that "cats always land on their feet" shit, do you? Look at that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54Look at that. I can't even... I can't even lick that bit.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08I thought you were going to be sick. It was a cough.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Would you do that to one of the kids if they were going to be sick?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Chuck them? No, but Mr Tiddles here, that's fine.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I don't know why cats do that. Cats...
0:25:18 > 0:25:22the whole body goes, doesn't it? When a cat's being sick.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26You know all about it. When dogs are sick, they're almost apologetic.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh, sorry.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Oh, God, is that me?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oh, no, don't clean it up. I'll lick it up.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Oh, happy to, happy to.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Anything to get the taste of my balls out my mouth, eh?
0:25:50 > 0:25:57Anyway, the point of that was we have the best national anthem in the world.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I think so.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01There's a lot of things in Scotland I don't like.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06We have the worst national symbol, the thistle.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07It's a weed. It's a weed.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I don't know how we ended up with a weed.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14We must've got there at the end of the day in the great garden centre of national symbols.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Eh? The English, you got there first, didn't you?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20ENGLISH ACCENT: Hello! What?! We'll have the rose.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24The rose is romantic and poetic, just like the English. Ha-de-ha!
0:26:24 > 0:26:25And off you go.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28And then maybe the Welsh turned up.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30WELSH ACCENT: Hello-a!
0:26:32 > 0:26:36I'm hearing a lot of this for the first time as well. You do know that.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"Hello-a! I'm a Welsh man.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42"And for my national symbol-a...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"..I'll have a daffodil, I'll have a daffodil!"
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Cos the daffodil is chivalrous and respectful, just like the Welsh.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Ho-de-ho!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57And the Irish turn up, you know, "Diddly-dee, potato".
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Don't know what this is. Some kind of...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Some kind of mandolin.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I'm a story-teller
0:27:08 > 0:27:09and my story must be told.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14What would you like as your national symbol, Irish person?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16"Well, I'll have the shamrock.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20"The shamrock is rare and mystical just like the Irish. Diddly-dee."
0:27:20 > 0:27:22And off he goes into the mist.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25All the countries have their national symbol.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29We must've got there right at the end, the Scots, just as everyone's packing up.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34"How's it going? You all right? Sorry I'm late. Eh, what have we got left?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"Ooh, not a lot, eh?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39"What's that prickly, shitty-looking thing there? What's that?"
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"That's a thistle, sir. You don't want that."
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"Oh, looks all right to me."
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"No, it's a weed. It's a weed. We were about to throw it out."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"What, free?"
0:27:51 > 0:27:54APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"Load 'em up, boys, load 'em up!"
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. You've been a lovely crowd. Thank you.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Danny Bhoy!
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Danny Bhoy!
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Danny Bhoy!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20That's the end of tonight's Live At The Apollo. Tune in again soon.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24But first, give it up for both the acts you saw tonight - the brilliant Rich Hall!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:28And the amazing Danny Bhoy!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:31 > 0:28:33My name's Lee Mack. Good night!
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:39 > 0:28:42E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk