0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:25please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Are you in good form? Yes, welcome to our show.
0:00:46 > 0:00:53It is a pleasure and delight to have you here. What a show we have for you. It's lovely to do stand-up,
0:00:53 > 0:00:57away from behind a desk, just telling jokes, messing around.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I love stand-up. I adore it. It's the greatest art form in the world.
0:01:01 > 0:01:08It isn't burdened, like other art forms with snobbery. "You should like this film or like this book."
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Or, "You should like this music." Stand-up's just funny, we enjoy it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18You know when people go, "Oh, you like that music? That's the wrong music.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23"You should like this music." It's just sound, for Jesus' sake!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"These noises are the wrong noises!"
0:01:25 > 0:01:29If people like mainstream pop... I like a bit of mainstream pop.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34A bit of Girls Aloud, a bit of Take That. Nothing wrong with that.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39But you have to go, "They're my guilty pleasure." LAUGHTER
0:01:39 > 0:01:43I hate that phrase. It is an insult to top quality pop.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46It is also an insult to guilt.
0:01:46 > 0:01:52I might be an atheist now, and I am, but I did my time in the Catholic Church and, frankly...
0:01:52 > 0:01:58we did a lot of work on guilt and it takes a lot more than, "Gimme, gimme, gimme, a man after midnight,"
0:01:58 > 0:02:03to earn the title Guilty. You have to actually have the man after midnight.
0:02:03 > 0:02:09If you have a guilty pleasure, let it be something you genuinely feel guilty about.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13You know my guilty pleasure? What my actual guilty pleasure is?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I like to use a crowded Tube train to touch women.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22APPLAUSE
0:02:22 > 0:02:28It feels wrong...but it feels right! That's practically the definition of a guilty pleasure.
0:02:28 > 0:02:35Particularly good if you can make it seem like it's their fault. "Ah! Buy me dinner next time, honey(!)
0:02:35 > 0:02:39"That's just the way I like to stand, all right, sister?"
0:02:39 > 0:02:44I don't do that, by the way! Just in case... I don't actually touch.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49I just smell them. There's nothing wrong with that. They don't own the air.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53"What are you doing?" "I'm asthmatic...maybe."
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Anyway, it's a great honour and we've got all sorts of people.
0:02:57 > 0:03:04The punters, hello, hello, hello to the celebs. Zoe Salmon is here from Blue Peter.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09Not only of Blue Peter, but also former Miss Northern Ireland.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11WHISTLES
0:03:11 > 0:03:18Miss Northern Ireland is unique because half the time the winner won't wear the sash.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:25Also James Caan. Good to have you here. One of the Dragons.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Don't judge James. Just because Peter is on a private plane somewhere
0:03:29 > 0:03:36and Theo's on an island and James has taken free tickets to a show in Hammersmith...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38That doesn't mean he's not welcome.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44We've all sorts of types of people. This is the one thing about stand-up.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50You get mixed audiences, like tonight. Some people know some things and some don't know other things.
0:03:50 > 0:03:57You're kind of working around the fact that different people have experienced different things.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01For example, right, I love saying what I'm going to say next,
0:04:01 > 0:04:07not just for the people who cheer in support of me, but also those who will silently judge me for this.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11It's very simple. I love video games.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13CHEERING
0:04:13 > 0:04:19I enjoy saying that, as I said, because half the room are going, "Ah, Jesus, you're 38."
0:04:19 > 0:04:25You're not supposed to like video games. It's the largest entertainment industry in the world
0:04:25 > 0:04:31and we're supposed to not enjoy it. I am a gamer and I'm very proud to be a gamer.
0:04:31 > 0:04:37I understand it's embarrassing. If I'm at a dinner party and someone says, "How do you relax after a gig?"
0:04:37 > 0:04:43it's less embarrassing to go, "I masturbate to hard-core pornography."
0:04:43 > 0:04:48After that, the conversation is exactly the same. "I've not done that since I was a teenager."
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"Check it out. It's really moved on."
0:04:51 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:59"The graphics alone are unrecognisable. And you use all ten fingers. It's incredible."
0:05:00 > 0:05:06I love video games for this reason - they do a thing which no other art form does, right?
0:05:06 > 0:05:12You cannot be bad at watching a movie. You cannot be bad at listening to an album,
0:05:12 > 0:05:20but you can be bad at playing a video game and the video game will punish you and deny you access to the rest.
0:05:20 > 0:05:26No other art form does this. You've never read a book and three chapters in the book has gone,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30"What are the major themes of the book so far?"
0:05:30 > 0:05:35"I-I-I don't know. I wasn't..." Foom! "Aw, Jesus! Come on!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:42You've never listened to an album and after three songs, the album has gone, "Show me your dancing."
0:05:42 > 0:05:47"Is this good enough?" And the album's gone, "No!" and stopped.
0:05:47 > 0:05:53Games do this all the time. I'll give you an example. A famous game called Grand Theft Auto IV.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55CHEERING
0:05:55 > 0:06:01A very controversial game. You can drag someone to an alleyway and shoot them in the head.
0:06:01 > 0:06:07I never got to that bit. I got stuck where you steal a car and drive to assassinate a guy.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09He kept running away.
0:06:09 > 0:06:16I had to steal another car and drive back again, but you couldn't drive quickly because of a tollbooth
0:06:16 > 0:06:21and you slow up and pay the guy or the police chase you.
0:06:21 > 0:06:27Six or seven attempts at this and you're going, "I'm commuting! I'm stuck in my pants in my front room
0:06:27 > 0:06:32"on my day off and I'm in traffic! What kind of eejit am I?!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:39If I lived in Liberty City, I'd buy a flat near the guy I've to assassinate and I'd walk to work!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Every heard of Rock Band and Guitar Hero? For those who haven't,
0:06:43 > 0:06:50you get a giant plastic guitar and you play along to music. "Whoo hoo! I'm a rock star!
0:06:50 > 0:06:57"Whoo hoo! Yeah!" Red, blue, blue, red, red, blue, blue, red, red.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Aaargh!" Red, red... LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:06And you buy it because the box will name the songs on it. It said Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.
0:07:06 > 0:07:14"Oh, God! I really want to play it!" But you can't just play Sabotage by the Beastie Boys
0:07:14 > 0:07:21because it's song number 85 in the game. You have to play the preceding 84 songs to unlock Sabotage.
0:07:21 > 0:07:27You're round about the mid-40s playing Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and other shite you've never heard of
0:07:27 > 0:07:33and you're in the same front room in the same pants, going, "I am wasting my life here!"
0:07:33 > 0:07:38And the gamer is going, "No, you must unlock the content."
0:07:38 > 0:07:44I'm 38. I unlocked it in a shop with a credit card. That's when I unlocked it.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Give me my content now! And they go, "No, it mimics the music industry.
0:07:48 > 0:07:54"You've slowly got work your way up the music industry and, song by song, you will earn the right
0:07:54 > 0:08:00"to go to the top and play the song..." Yeah. It's the music industry.
0:08:00 > 0:08:06You can always suck a little cock to get to where you want in the music industry.
0:08:06 > 0:08:13Why don't they simply put in a level where you take the top off the guitar, pop the shaft in your mouth?
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Red, blue, blue, red, red, red, red and blue, red and blue.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22There we go! Sabotage by the Beastie Boys, anyone?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Howe many of you have ever played with the Wii? CHEERING
0:08:26 > 0:08:32That doesn't count. Right? This is a Wii game. "Oh, I'm stroking a pony!"
0:08:32 > 0:08:37That's a Wii game. "Oh, I'm feeding sugar cubes to a unicorn
0:08:37 > 0:08:44"and it's going to poo out rainbows to paint onto Mario's house." That's not gaming. This is gaming.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49"Oh, my God, I'm in a gun battle! Which of these buttons isn't Crouch?"
0:08:49 > 0:08:56Every game involves crouching! You're always crouching behind oil barrels or convenient little walls!
0:08:56 > 0:09:02You're always crouching, but the crouch button is in different places on different games!
0:09:02 > 0:09:08And you get panicked in a space marine laser battle and you're pressing any button
0:09:08 > 0:09:13and suddenly your man is just waddling around the battlefield. LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Just staring up at you going, "Jesus! Press anything!
0:09:18 > 0:09:22"Not Toggle Maps!" LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:27There's a game called Metal Gear Solid where you play Snake. Yes.
0:09:27 > 0:09:34And when Snake dies, the camera pulls cinematically up from above him and the man on Snake's comms unit goes,
0:09:34 > 0:09:39"Snake? Snake?! SNA-A-A-AKE?!"
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Every time he dies.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45When I play as Snake, he dies a lot.
0:09:46 > 0:09:52But the man's sadness seems undiminished by the regularity with which he has to mourn Snake.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You'd think once or twice he'd go, "Ahh, Snake!"
0:09:55 > 0:10:01You'd think at some debriefing session in this espionage organisation
0:10:01 > 0:10:04they'd go, "You're very disappointed about Snake."
0:10:04 > 0:10:11"He was one of our best agents." "He was not. His behaviour in the field was erratic at best.
0:10:11 > 0:10:17"He spent most of the time waddling about the battlefield for no reason. Just waddling around.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21"He was toggling Maps, then Items, then Weapons, Items, Maps.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27"He didn't know where he was going. He had to get behind that, but couldn't.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33"He'd run at it and then try running at it again. He ran at it once and missed.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER "He tried jumping at it. Then he tried touching it,
0:10:38 > 0:10:43"then jump and touch, jump, crouch and touch,
0:10:43 > 0:10:49"then he looked up, and down, then he picked up a crowbar, then he put it down. Crouch.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"Weapons, Items, Crouch, Weapons, Items.
0:10:52 > 0:10:58"A robot attacked him, he gave him his rations! He's the worst agent we've ever had."
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Jesus Christ... LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:16God...
0:11:16 > 0:11:21That routine. Most comedy routines have a natural finale, a punchline.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25That one just ends when the comedian gets exhausted!
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Running at an imaginary piece of video game scenery. This kills me! Look - I have injuries!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Just because of that routine!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37And 30% of the room - I'm looking at ya -
0:11:37 > 0:11:4130% of the room... Peter Shilton, I love your work,
0:11:41 > 0:11:48David Seaman, I love your work more. Thank you very much. 1998, the double. Quality.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52But the two of you didn't have a notion of what I've been doing.
0:11:52 > 0:11:59You should have seen Shilton's face! He was like a meerkat going, "What the...?
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"Crouch? Touch? The man's an idiot!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06"Is this what passes for comedy...?! Jesus Christ!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I'm amazed you're still here, Peter.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13We have a fantastic show for you with two genuinely brilliant comics.
0:12:13 > 0:12:19We've had them both on Mock The Week and this first guy was in We Are Klang and The Inbetweeners.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25Ladies and gentlemen, a fabulously funny man. Please take the roof off for Greg Davies!
0:12:26 > 0:12:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Are you well?
0:12:47 > 0:12:52CHEERING Brilliant to be here. My name's Greg or Mr Gilbert, if it turns you on.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55CHEERS
0:12:56 > 0:13:01A couple of things you should know about me. First, I'm a very tall man.
0:13:01 > 0:13:07- 6 foot 8, in case you're interested. Why would you be? It's just a height. - Oooh!- Thanks very much.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13The second thing you should know about me and it's kind of by way of an apology to the front row
0:13:13 > 0:13:19is that I genuinely believed when I left my house for this massively popular BBC1 show
0:13:19 > 0:13:21that this shirt still fit me.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh...
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Unbelievable. I just caught myself stretching in the dressing room...
0:13:34 > 0:13:39and I'm aware that as I get animated later on, as I surely will,
0:13:39 > 0:13:44I'll have no choice but to show the first couple of rows the beast.
0:13:46 > 0:13:53I should make it clear what I mean by the beast. My stomach, you'll be relieved to hear. Not my penis.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I don't call my penis the beast.
0:13:55 > 0:14:01I call that surprisingly average for a man of my height. LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:03That's its full title.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Although I do compensate by rather hammering it in, so...
0:14:07 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I don't. I'm asthmatic. Em...
0:14:13 > 0:14:19So I like to bond with my tall friends. We're a minority that's been overlooked.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23I come from a place in the Midlands, a small town in the Midlands,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27which is largely inhabited by people who find my height hilarious.
0:14:27 > 0:14:33I've been going back to visit my parents. For 30 years, I've been this height.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37And still when I walk down that street, people go, "Tall! Tall!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"Burn him! Burn him!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Which is why last year I discovered the greatest city on Earth.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Last year, I did some gigs in the city of Bangkok.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Awesome.
0:14:53 > 0:14:59The reason I like it, ladies and gentlemen, is that in Bangkok I'm not a novelty tall man.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02In Bangkok I am a genuine fairy-tale giant.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08I'm not joking. I was walking through that city like this. "Behold...!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Hello, my little friends!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14"Who will talk to Gulliver?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:20It was like working in a model village. I was scooping them up in my arms. "Come on!"
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Someone told me you can get a brilliant...
0:15:26 > 0:15:32You can go for a brilliant massage in Bangkok because to the Thai people, massage is a day-to-day thing.
0:15:32 > 0:15:38So you can go and have a massage and apparently, I was told, they are...one pound!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Forty pounds in this country, one pound in Bangkok.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46And I found out... I was walking through the streets, arrogantly.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And quite camply, it would appear.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Throwing pound coins out at groups of strangers. "You will rub me, you will rub me."
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Someone said, "No, there's a purpose-built massage centre.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03"You pay a pound, you go in and there's a team of them."
0:16:03 > 0:16:09So I went in, I paid a pound, a door opened and sure enough, there was a sea of elves,
0:16:09 > 0:16:16tiny little Thai women in little pink jackets. They're so lovely, the Thai people, so welcoming.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I went, "Behold!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:21They all went like this, "Aaaah!"
0:16:21 > 0:16:26Which encouraged me. I went, "Yes! That's right, my little friends.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"Who will touch the flesh of the giant?"
0:16:29 > 0:16:34And they all went, "Aah-aah-aah!" I went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I'm exaggerating a little bit.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41When I was at my peak of cockiness, these wonderful, welcoming, smiling women suddenly parted.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44As if they had planned it,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47they parted to reveal this hobbit.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51This evil hobbit.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53She clip-clopped out of the pack.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"Clip-clop" doesn't make sense.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59She had hooves, little hooves.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02She didn't. She was normal.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I looked at her and went, "Hello." She went like this, "Arrgh!"
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I went, "Oh!"
0:17:08 > 0:17:11She said, "I will rub you."
0:17:11 > 0:17:13And I went, "Oooh!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:17And then she took me by the hand.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Sorry.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:28I've giving you a chance to see how badly all my clothes fit me at this stage.
0:17:30 > 0:17:36She took me into a little room and got me to lie down. She stood over me and she went, "What do you want?"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I went..."Massage?"
0:17:40 > 0:17:42She said, "Yes...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"What sort of massage?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I said, "I don't know what the options are."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53She said, "You can have normal...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57"..or you can have Thai."
0:17:58 > 0:18:04And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where I made one of the worst decisions of my entire life.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Has anyone been for a Thai massage?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Yes!- How would you describe that?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Ow!- "Painful" is polite, thank you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15I would describe it as an elf kicking the shit out of me.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20She beat the living shit out of me.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23If you get offered one for free, turn it down.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29She was punching me in the throat. I said, "I've given you a pound, you little bastard!"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32She was lying on the floor with her little knees in the air
0:18:32 > 0:18:36and she was beckoning for me to lie across her knees.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Now, I am 20 stone in weight.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Hard to believe.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:51I looked down at her little knees and I thought, "I can't put 20 stone on those little knees.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55"I can't put all this bulk on those tiny little knees."
0:18:55 > 0:19:00Then I remembered the massage she'd given me and I thought, "Bollocks, yes, I can!"
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I pine-treed on top of her, expecting to turn her pelvis to dust on contact.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09They call me Dusty Pelvis. What? It doesn't make sense. I've had a lot of coffee.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14She caught me, took 20 stone on her knees, then she balanced me and let go with her hands.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20This is when it gets weird. Once she had me balanced, she looked up at me and she said only these words.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23"Do you like that, you fat turd?"
0:19:23 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Then she started to lower me down an inch at a time towards her face,
0:19:31 > 0:19:35insulting me all the time, "You fat pig! You fat, sweaty pig!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"You fat...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"You fat old man!
0:19:39 > 0:19:45"You pay me a pound for all this work. I will kill you, you pig, you bitch!"
0:19:45 > 0:19:47She called me "a bitch".
0:19:47 > 0:19:50We were nose to nose and I was thinking, "This is weird."
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Then she took me a step closer and she went, "Do you like this? Do you?"
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I thought, "There is..."
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Hello.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04We were nose to nose and I thought,
0:20:04 > 0:20:09"There is no way I am getting out of this with any dignity intact whatsoever."
0:20:09 > 0:20:15Then my whole 20 stone hit her little body and just for a second, she made this noise...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"Arrgh!"
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Which means I won, I think you'll find.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25My point is, don't mess with me, little people. I will destroy you.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:42Ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you what fun I've had. I hope you've had even 10% of it. Thank you.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45CHEERING Thanks very much. Good night.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Davies!
0:20:59 > 0:21:05The next man I'm going to introduce to you... It's a joy for me when we have him on Mock The Week.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09He's one of the finest stand-up comedians working in this country.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Please put your hands together for Stewart Francis!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:20 > 0:21:23CHEERING GETS LOUDER
0:21:24 > 0:21:27SINGS ALONG TO BACKGROUND MUSIC
0:21:28 > 0:21:30That's the only bit I know.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35What a lovely introduction! You're a fantastic audience. I've got some pretty good gags.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Shall we? SHOUTS OF "Yes!"
0:21:38 > 0:21:42All right, this comedy bus is going to Giggle Street.
0:21:45 > 0:21:51I had to say something. Last night, I went to a karaoke bar that didn't play any '70s music.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53At first, I was afraid.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, I was petrified.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I farted in a full lift today which was wrong on so many levels.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14My dad has a weird hobby. He collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than "alcoholic", doesn't it?
0:22:16 > 0:22:21I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born.
0:22:24 > 0:22:30I liked being raised by my father. He's schizophrenic, but he's good people.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37I remember one summer, I was five and he was Mussolini.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I went to the park that day.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45I was standing in the park, wondering why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47And then it hit me.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Growing up, I was under the impression that my dad didn't like me very much.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58He hardly ever did anything with me. He only took me fishing once.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I remember swimming back to shore, thinking...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04"My dad doesn't like me very much."
0:23:04 > 0:23:09We only went golfing once and I remember swimming back to shore, thinking...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"Golf's a lot like fishing.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"My dad doesn't like me very much."
0:23:18 > 0:23:22My uncle is a hypnotist who has never inappropriately touched me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34So Halloween just passed. Well, it did when I wrote this joke. I hope you like it.
0:23:34 > 0:23:40I remember the first time my father took me trick-or-treating. I remember swimming back to shore, thinking...
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"Snoopy costumes are heavy when they're wet."
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Because of ridiculous stereotypes, people can be so ignorant towards other nationalities.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58I'm thin, I don't play the banjo, I don't have sex with my cousin
0:23:58 > 0:24:00and still people assume I'm American.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03What's that all aboot?
0:24:07 > 0:24:12No, I'm Canadian, although I truly do feel British because both my parents are alcoholics.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18In school, other kids used to push me and call me lazy.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I loved that wheelchair.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26So what if I can't spell "Armageddon"?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29It's not the end of the world.
0:24:31 > 0:24:37When I was a little boy, I used to sing in the choir. All the other boys teased me. I still don't know why.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41But one afternoon when they were teasing me, I stood up and said...
0:24:41 > 0:24:47HIGH VOICE: # Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be
0:24:47 > 0:24:51# The future's not ours to see Que sera, sera
0:24:51 > 0:24:54# What will be, will be
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# Que sera, sera-a-ah
0:24:57 > 0:25:02# Ah-aaaaaah... #
0:25:03 > 0:25:06They sure beat the shit out of me that afternoon.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:09 > 0:25:13When I was a kid, my daddy used to always hit me with a camera.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I still have flashbacks.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19And a really weird photo album.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35# Ba-doom, boom, boom Ba-doom, boom, boom
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# Boom, boom, boom Ba-doom, ba-doom... #
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Excuse me.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# Ba-doom, boom, boom, boom... #
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Why are you holding the back of my neck while tickling my genitals?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52# Ba-doom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom... #
0:25:52 > 0:25:54That's a true story.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00My fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I forget my response.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Oh, my back is killing me!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Ladies...
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:27My girlfriend thinks I'm afraid of commitment.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Well, she's not my girlfriend.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33My wife hates that joke.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I say "wife"...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40My wife and I have decided we don't want children.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49The fat one has asthma.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55No, we have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59In fact, Passive-Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Should lesbians be allowed to use dildos? They made their choice.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16I'm happily married. That's why I'm wearing my ring. Oh...
0:27:16 > 0:27:20It must've fallen off in that hooker's ass.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23What am I like?
0:27:23 > 0:27:29Anybody that's married knows what I'm talking about when I say you find out about someone after you marry them.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33My wife doesn't have a peanut allergy. It turns out she has a...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35penis!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37That's it. She has a penis.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45My father was a man of few words.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I remember he used to say to me, "Son...
0:27:50 > 0:27:54"Get your trunks. We're going to the library."
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock-climbing.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You should never look down.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Sir?
0:28:16 > 0:28:20You guys have been amazing. Thank you very much, everyone.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Ladies and gentlemen, did you enjoy the show?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34CHEERING
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Give it up for all of our acts tonight.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Give it up for Stewart Francis!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43And for Greg Davies. My name's Dara O Briain.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Thank you very much. We'll see you again. Good night!
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2010
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk