0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Kevin Bridges!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Yeah.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Hello. - Hello!
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Beautiful. It's good to be here. I'm your host for the evening.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Don't worry. I've done this sort of thing before. I've done a few telly shows.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04When you've got a Scottish accent and you do a TV show,
0:01:04 > 0:01:09you need to use proper English and enunciate so people understand you
0:01:09 > 0:01:12but it's quite hard to find that balance sometimes,
0:01:12 > 0:01:17because there'll still be somebody from Aylesbury or Leamington Spa...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19ONE PERSON CHEERING
0:01:19 > 0:01:22..saying... LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:27..saying, "We saw you on the television. I didn't understand anything you actually said.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32"I found your accent utterly incomprehensible.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34"Really quite a thick Scotch accent you've got.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37"I used work beside a guy who was Scotch.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40"I didn't understand anything he was saying either, yah?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Whereas somebody in Scotland, they're saying,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"We seen you on the telly talking like a (BLEEP).
0:01:52 > 0:01:53"Care to explain yourself?"
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I still live in Scotland.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02I recently moved out from my parents' house. It's an exciting time when you leave home.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05It's an end of an era. It's quite sad.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I've always had a good relationship with my mum and my dad,
0:02:08 > 0:02:09especially my dad.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10When you're a young guy,
0:02:10 > 0:02:15traditionally, your dad is your hero, right? He knows everything.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19He's your role model. You want to follow in his footsteps.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20He's a legend.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23And then you get to about 12 years old,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26you discover that your dad is a dick.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And that normally happens on Christmas Day
0:02:35 > 0:02:38and involves building something.
0:02:39 > 0:02:45I would be sat there, working patiently away using the instruction manual provided
0:02:45 > 0:02:46when my dad would come in.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48See, my dad was of the old school
0:02:48 > 0:02:50where the use of an instruction manual
0:02:50 > 0:02:54is seen as an admission of homosexuality.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03"This can get to ... Go and get me a can of Miller and the claw hammer."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07And once you've realised your dad's a dick,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10it lays the foundations
0:03:10 > 0:03:13to build a whole new relationship with your old man,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15when you figure out how he works
0:03:15 > 0:03:17and you can kind of use that to your advantage.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22I realised by dad was a knob in 1997.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Quite an exciting year for me because we never had Sky Plus in 1997.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33You could not pause live TV in '97. We were cavemen back then, right?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37We were Neanderthals. 1997. You had the old school Sky.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42You had three options when you were first getting Sky TV installed in 1997,
0:03:42 > 0:03:43as far as I can recall.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46You could get it via a satellite dish,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48via a cable
0:03:48 > 0:03:51or you knew a guy.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59You knew a guy who could get you a box for 40 quid.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03One of the guys that can get you anything for 40 quid.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Doesn't matter how large or how small, 40 quid is the optimum price
0:04:08 > 0:04:11for the services of a petty criminal. 40 quid.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15He can get you a Nissan Cherry for 40 quid.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19A set of golf clubs, 40 quid.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22A pair of hair-straighteners, 40 quid.
0:04:22 > 0:04:2550 quid in cash, 40 quid.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Cable was the more middle-class option.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36"We don't want a satellite dish on the side of our house, thank you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"I think it looks really quite naff, yeah?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Whereas the working class, the satellite dish was the key selling point.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48If you're paying £25 a month, you want your neighbours to know...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54..that you are better than them.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Now, we had Sky through a dish. 1997.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00You could be watching old school Sky in the living room,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02watching it on the main TV
0:05:02 > 0:05:06but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs,
0:05:06 > 0:05:11turn to a certain channel and watch Sky in the bedroom
0:05:11 > 0:05:17but only what the person in the living room was watching.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22I don't know the intrinsic technical explanation as to why this happened
0:05:22 > 0:05:24but it just did.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Saturday nights, me and my dad. I'm on the couch, he's in his chair.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32My mum's in bed, my brother's out with his pals.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Just me and the old man watching Match Of The Day.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Watching the highlights. It gets to the kind of shite games
0:05:40 > 0:05:45and I say, "I think I'm... I think I'm going to go to bed, Dad.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47"Good night."
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And he would continue the charade. He'd say, "Oh, are you off to bed, son?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"Good night."
0:06:04 > 0:06:09And there was that mutual father and son, we both know what the plan is here.
0:06:15 > 0:06:22I would casually exit the living room, nice and slowly. "Good night."
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Hit the hallway and race up the stairs.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Don't even consider looking in the fridge. Eyes on the prize.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Upstairs, bedroom, TV switched on, go to number six.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38That's where you see what he's watching. TVs are synchronised. Six. We're in. He's in control.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44A few minutes go by and he's still watching Match Of The Day.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48That's fine. He must be giving it a few minutes.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Don't want to make it too obvious.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52He's done this before.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Five minutes go by. He's still watching Match Of The Day.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I'm thinking, "Come on. Stick to the plan, Andy."
0:07:06 > 0:07:08I'm looking at the bottom left of the screen,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11waiting for the numbers to get typed in.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17The numbers that could make or break the evening's entertainment.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23"Give me your numbers, Andy, come on. Nine! That's a good start. Nine.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"I could not have hoped for a better start than a nine, there.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37"The 05, the ten-minute free view.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44"You're a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you."
0:07:53 > 0:07:57So, we've got some celebrities in, as always, at Live At The Apollo.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Who have we got? We've got the EastEnders cast.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02How are we doing, EastEnders? WHOOPING
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Sitting right at the back.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I don't mean the extras, I mean the real people.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Have we got Phil Mitchell?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18No, where's he? He's up at King's Cross
0:08:18 > 0:08:23dressed up as a ladyboy, trying to raise enough money to buy a Pot Noodle, isn't he?
0:08:26 > 0:08:30There's a record amount of complaints about the Phil Mitchell crack addict thing.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32A record amount. You don't know.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I'm speaking to Ian Beale. I'm a bit star-struck.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40I feel sorry, out of the major addictions, I feel sorry for gambling addicts.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41I feel sorry for them.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Because at least if you're a drug addict or an alcoholic
0:08:44 > 0:08:47or a sex addict, at least you've got some good stories.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Not like a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. How boring would that be?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59"I remember I put 20 quid on a greyhound.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"And it finished last." Well, you know?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Whereas a sex addiction meeting, I'd imagine that to be awesome.
0:09:08 > 0:09:14"I got to the stage where I was spending my wages on strap-ons
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"and gimp masks and...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18"WD-40."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Sarah Beeny. Where's Sarah Beeny? She's in the house.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28How are you doing, Sarah? What stage of pregnancy are you at, Sarah?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Sarah Beeny is always pregnant, isn't she?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Sarah, what's your new show called? It's called...?
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Help! My House Is Falling Down. - Help! My House Is Falling Down.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44That's the kind of title of a show that would get me to watch it.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I like seeing distress and carnage.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49You don't want to watch MTV Cribs,
0:09:49 > 0:09:54watching some R&B star showing you his golden snooker table and stuff.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58I want to see MTV Shitholes, that's what I want to see.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04With some guy opening the door, keeping the chain on, peaking round,
0:10:04 > 0:10:05a can of cider.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09"Oh, come in. Er, this is my toaster.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"This is where the sink used to be."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Sarah's got kids. I'm at that age...
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I'm at that age that some of my cousins and friends are having children.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28You're at a family gathering and there's a newborn baby
0:10:28 > 0:10:31getting passed around the room like a joint.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42And everybody's saying their piece.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Some people have just got a natural rapport when they speak to kids.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50They can just go, "Oh, look at you! Oh! He's cheeky.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"Are you cheeky? Yes, you're the best. Ahh!
0:10:52 > 0:10:56"Are you telling me a little story? Ahhhh."
0:10:57 > 0:11:00It's getting closer and closer to me and I'm thinking, "Wow.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"I need to pretend I give a shit."
0:11:05 > 0:11:08The baby reaches me and I just sort of freeze up.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I'm going, "How are you doing, mate?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And the baby feels the tension, starts to cry.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Everybody looks at me as if I'm in the wrong.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18No, toughen up, you wee prick.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25We're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Have we got any fat people in the audience?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Cos people have got flawed perceptions of their actual size.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I'll use women as an example.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39You know you get skinny girls, they think they're chubby?
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Chubby girls think they're fat. Fat girls think they're obese.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And obese girls think they're supermodels.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58They're the happy people, the ones hanging out limousine windows
0:11:58 > 0:12:01on a Friday night, going, "Aaaagh!"
0:12:03 > 0:12:06And the driver's there going, "Can you lean in, please?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"You're going to tip this thing."
0:12:12 > 0:12:16"I know it's Christine's hen night, but I don't have a tax disc, get in."
0:12:19 > 0:12:23We've got Olympic medallist swimmer, Sharron Davies.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:27 > 0:12:30That's enough, that's enough, it was only a silver. That's enough.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I took up swimming. I went to my local public pool.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Not a private, fancy gym, a local pool.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40A council pool where anybody can go.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44And by that, they mean ANYBODY can go.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I was there, public pool. I done my length.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Then I stopped, but I made it look cool.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You know the way you put your elbows up on the tiles?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"Can't wait to go and grab a smoothie."
0:13:03 > 0:13:07If you've got a bit of a waist, you need to shop in cheap clothes shops.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11If you walk in somewhere trendy, like somewhere like River Island
0:13:11 > 0:13:16or Top Shop, somewhere like that, and some boy band freak show
0:13:16 > 0:13:21comes bouncing across to serve. You know the people who work in these places,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24they don't walk, they bounce. "Hey, man, yeah..."
0:13:27 > 0:13:31All that energy and enthusiasm that oozes from people
0:13:31 > 0:13:34who have never been punched in the face.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41You ask this guy, I said, "Excuse me, mate, can I try on these jeans
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"in a 36" waist?"
0:13:43 > 0:13:46And the guy's enthusiasm just drained.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50He looked at me. You know that way you'd look at somebody
0:13:50 > 0:13:52if they'd just took a shite in your kettle?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Primark, they've started selling Che Guevara T-shirts.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12That's a fitting testament to the man's legacy, isn't it? Che Guevara.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16He fought for the poor and oppressed in South America.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Now his face has been stitched onto T-shirts
0:14:18 > 0:14:21by the poor and oppressed in Southeast Asia...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26..to be worn by the poor and oppressed in Southeast London.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37That's where I stay when I come to London - Southeast London.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Dulwich sort of area. There's a lot of knife crime, a lot of crime.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I don't really know the solutions to that particular problem.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47I think a start would be to maybe close the shops
0:14:47 > 0:14:50that sell the weapons in the first place.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53These High Street shops that sell crossbows to guys in shell suits,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55you know these places?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Shops that sell thousands of baseball bats every year,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02but have never sold any baseballs.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"The Peckham Rye Red Sox have not had a game in a while."
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I was in one of these places, did a bit of research
0:15:15 > 0:15:18and the only security measure, if you want to buy a violent weapon,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21is you need to fill in a form, leaving your name and address
0:15:21 > 0:15:24so if anything happens, you can be traced for questioning.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27That's the theory. But what self-respecting nutcase
0:15:27 > 0:15:31buying a weapon would leave their real name and address?
0:15:31 > 0:15:36I picture some police investigation team going through the book
0:15:36 > 0:15:41and saying, "Excuse me, shop owner, says here you sold a samurai sword
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"to Bert and Ernie...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"..from 24 Sesame Street."
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Some new-guy cop would get sent on a wild-goose chase somewhere.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Sesame Street not showing up on the sat-nav.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Putting down the window for directions.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"Excuse me, mate. Excuse me.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08"Can you tell me..."
0:16:08 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:16"..how to get...how to get to...
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"That's a wind-up, isn't it?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Give me a cheer if you're in the mood for a top night of live comedy.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32CHEERING
0:16:33 > 0:16:38We've got two top-drawer comedians selected from the UK circuit.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Two cracking comics.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43We're going to kick off... We're going to welcome to the stage
0:16:43 > 0:16:46a woman who you may have seen on Live At The Apollo before.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50She's also been on Have I Got News For You and loads of other shows.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53She's outstanding. Give it up for the hilarious Shappi Khorsandi.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Hello!- Hello!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Ah, that's a nice welcome. All right, London?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16WHOOPING
0:17:16 > 0:17:18It's nice to be back here at the Apollo.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I did the show last series
0:17:20 > 0:17:23and after it was on TV, people kept Twittering me.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25If you are on Twitter, do twat me.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I talked, last time, a lot about being Iranian
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and people Twittered me going, "Are you really Iranian?"
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I go, "No, I just say that to be more popular."
0:17:37 > 0:17:40That's all right. My career's going OK.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Everything's going fine.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45It's at a point now, for me, where people come up to me in the street
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and go, "Excuse me. Are you Omid Djalili?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I never really wanted to be a stand-up.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I wanted to be a doctor. My parents pushed me into stand-up comedy.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00My big dream in life was to be an actress
0:18:00 > 0:18:02but with the way I look, the only job I'd get
0:18:02 > 0:18:05was to be someone's cousin off EastEnders.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07All right, Ian?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Sit coms, that's what I dreamed of doing when I was a kid.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17I wanted to be an actress in a sit com and in 2003, that dream almost came true
0:18:17 > 0:18:20when I got a part in a sit-com pilot
0:18:20 > 0:18:23and I was so excited and it went to series
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and I was playing an Iraqi nanny.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29And it went to series. I was like, "This is brilliant. This is my big break."
0:18:29 > 0:18:33And then we attacked Iraq.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38The producers decided it was no longer appropriate
0:18:38 > 0:18:42to have an Iraqi nanny in a British sit com and they got rid of me.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45AUDIENCE AHS
0:18:45 > 0:18:52Now, I know that there were probably better reasons
0:18:52 > 0:18:57to have been against the war...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:02..but as I marched, ladies and gentlemen,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I knew there had been some personal cost to me.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10I did Question Time this year and what was brilliant about that
0:19:10 > 0:19:13was realising that David Dimbleby is as obsessed as I am
0:19:13 > 0:19:15with political correctness.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16He took a question from the floor
0:19:16 > 0:19:20and he went, "Gentleman there in the blue." Ten hands stay up.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23He goes, "No, gentleman in the blue with the eyes,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27"the eyes set in a face on top of a neck
0:19:27 > 0:19:29"on, I believe, some shoulders."
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"Just say it, David, say it. The man in a turban, the man in a turban
0:19:32 > 0:19:37"with the beard down to his ankles, wearing ceremonial robes,
0:19:37 > 0:19:38"holding a sword.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41"The warrior has a question, David. Say it!"
0:19:48 > 0:19:51So, it's been a big year for everyone.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It's been a big year for me. I separated from my husband.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57That's an awkward thing to tell people.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00My parents don't know yet. They don't follow me.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03They don't follow me on Twitter.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05My husband and I fought so hard for our marriage.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08We had a lot to fight for, mostly the house.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11And we went... We went to marriage counsellors
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and our counsellor didn't fill me with confidence.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19She had a picture of her own family on her desk with her husband's head crudely cut out.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21So we separated and we divided our stuff equally.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I got half the house and the car and he got the other half in my dreams.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26But I'm going to tell you...
0:20:26 > 0:20:30We met at a comedy club. He's a comedian, too. You won't have heard of him.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And we...
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Forgive me.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39He was brilliant. When he met my parents, he was so thoughtful, my husband
0:20:39 > 0:20:42because he learnt all about their culture
0:20:42 > 0:20:45by reading the Lonely Planet Guide to Iran.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Which just meant that he peppered the conversation with random facts.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52"I hear the ancient ruins of Persepolis are a must-see,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"but the wheelchair access is poor."
0:20:55 > 0:20:59It was the equivalent of me going to his parents' house
0:20:59 > 0:21:01in Nottingham dressed as Robin Hood.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"The Merry Men and I are in deep trouble,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"can we hide in your rhododendrons?"
0:21:07 > 0:21:10So we got married quite soon after we met.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12We didn't have a traditional wedding
0:21:12 > 0:21:14cos my dad's not a traditional man.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17He wouldn't walk me down the aisle.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20My father wouldn't walk me down the aisle.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Cos he's a feminist.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Well, he reckons he's a feminist,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27the rest of us think he's just got a passing resemblance to Germaine Greer.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And he said, "What, I walk you down the aisle like you are property?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33IN AFRICAN ACCENT: "Like you are chattel, I give you away..."
0:21:33 > 0:21:34He's not Nigerian!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42That's the real reason I'm not an actor.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49So my husband and I had a little boy. That was lovely.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53We named him Charlie after Charlie Chaplin, one of my heroes,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55who famously said, "All I need to make comedy
0:21:55 > 0:21:58"is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl."
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Of course, today we'd call that dogging.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06One of my ex-husband's friends is a bit of a geezer. A real lad.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08He loves his football. And he said to me,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"Why do women always go on about the birth?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"Why do we need to know the gory details?" And I said,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"It's because it's a major trauma that we go through
0:22:16 > 0:22:20"and we need to talk about it as part of the healing process."
0:22:20 > 0:22:22To make him understand, I said, "Look, it's like
0:22:22 > 0:22:28"if your team was in a major cup final and lost to penalties
0:22:28 > 0:22:32"and then someone attacked your genitals with an axe...
0:22:33 > 0:22:36"..you would need to talk about it."
0:22:38 > 0:22:43We had to have separate birthday parties for my son this year
0:22:43 > 0:22:44and I got really competitive.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47My party is going to be the one that our kid remembers.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It's going to be spectacular.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54I even thought about hiring a pair of dancing chimps...
0:22:54 > 0:22:59but do you have any idea how much it costs to hire Jedward for half an hour?
0:22:59 > 0:23:03APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I want to have another baby. I really want another baby.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I am so broody at the moment. Hi, sir!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I am so broody.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17My best friend's pregnant, heavily pregnant.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19She says, "Do you want to feel it kick?"
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I'm like, "No, do you?"
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I am just so worried,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25because I'm well into my 30s.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I haven't got the time to meet someone new, see if we're compatible,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32if we're going to start a family together. I just meet men
0:23:32 > 0:23:35and go, "Are you single, have you got a history of heart disease?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36"Then let's go, go, go!"
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Some of you are looking a little bit worried.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I'm only kidding.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I don't care if you're single!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51There's another very personal reason I have for wanting another child
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and that's cos I want to breast-feed in public again.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57That really freaks people out in this country.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Especially if you haven't got your baby with you.
0:24:03 > 0:24:09I was discreetly breast-feeding my child in the supermarket
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and the staff came along and erected screens around me
0:24:12 > 0:24:14to give me privacy.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I'm like, "I'm feeding my child, I'm not tossing off a dog."
0:24:20 > 0:24:23They've got policies for that, obviously.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I've got a little sister.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30She's 15 years younger than me. When she was 17,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32her best mate Charlotte had a baby.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35You have to say Char-lotte, like that, otherwise she hits you.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I went round to see the baby, beautiful little girl,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40and I said, "What have you called her?"
0:24:40 > 0:24:41She goes, "Nokia."
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I said, "Does that name have a particular significance for you?"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48She goes, "Yeah, I was on the phone when I was conceiving, right?"
0:24:48 > 0:24:52That's very different to my generation.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56If I'd been on the phone, conceiving at 17,
0:24:56 > 0:25:00it would've meant I'm in my parents' house, in the hallway at the telephone table.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05People under 25 are going, "What's a telephone table?"
0:25:06 > 0:25:07You'll never know our pain.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12People now, if someone they fancy says they might call them,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15they can get on with their lives cos they've got mobile phones in their pockets.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20We had to stay in all summer holiday, staring at the phone.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Rocking backwards and forwards.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And you couldn't leave your post cos if it rang and your mum got it,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28it'll be awful, cos the most embarrassing thing in the world
0:25:28 > 0:25:31is if anyone finds out at 15 that you've got a mum.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I love a mum.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I love a good mum. Mums always give their daughters in particular
0:25:37 > 0:25:40that beautiful, unique gift of low self-esteem.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44All the while I was growing up, my mum would say to me,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"Oh, Shappi, the women in our family are so beautiful.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"You look like your father."
0:25:51 > 0:25:56So I decided that it's time that I get back into the dating game
0:25:56 > 0:26:01and it's quite difficult because this is the first time I've been single since I was 22.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Not the same guy - loads of overlaps.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And it's so simple. When you're 22 and you want to pull,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09you just get drunk and fall on someone.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12That's really frowned upon at my age.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Especially in playgroup.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20But if I'm going to do it, I'm going to go out and do it.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22So I got my old pulling outfit, you know,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24and I went out I threw some shapes.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Do you know, whatever people say,
0:26:26 > 0:26:29supermarkets are not the best place to pull?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I was in the supermarket and this guy, I was with my little boy,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36and he was in the fold-down seat of the trolley.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39And this guy said to me, "Oh, is that your child?"
0:26:39 > 0:26:43And he was really fit, so I went, "Oh, no, he just came free with three bottles of wine."
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Which is kind of true.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I tried internet dating but I didn't like it.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Someone messaged me and went, "Your name's a bit ambiguous,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"are you a man or a woman?"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It had my picture on it.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I don't tell men immediately that I have a child.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I went on a date with a guy and I opened up my bag
0:27:08 > 0:27:10and he saw that I had nappies and wipes in my bag
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and he went, "Oh, great, you're into that, too."
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I had dinner with a guy and I gave the game away.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22He had sauce on his chin and I spat on a napkin and wiped it for him.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And later on, he flirted with me
0:27:25 > 0:27:27by feeding me bits of his food from his fork
0:27:27 > 0:27:30and I thought, "I remember that," so I did the same to him
0:27:30 > 0:27:35but I ruined it by going, "Here it comes! Nwaaaaaah!"
0:27:37 > 0:27:39There was this guy that I did really like,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43so I thought, "I'm going to bring him home." Exciting.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47So I cleared all of my kid's toys out of the living room,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49just to make it a little bit more romantic.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52And he came back... I feel quite intimate, telling you this,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54but I'm going to tell you.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55I was being ravished.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I was being ravished to the point of no return
0:27:59 > 0:28:01and someone's knee went in the wrong place
0:28:01 > 0:28:06and we heard this, "To infinity and beyond!"
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Thing is...
0:28:11 > 0:28:16my son doesn't have a Buzz Lightyear toy.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18It had been a while.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26That sound came from me.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Listen, you've been such a lovely, lovely audience
0:28:33 > 0:28:37and I just want to end by telling you another cute little thing
0:28:37 > 0:28:40that my kid said to me recently.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I was having a bath with my three-year-old son
0:28:43 > 0:28:46and he said to me, "Mummy, where's your willy?"
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Cute. I said, "Mummy hasn't got a willy.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54"She's got more balls than Daddy, though."
0:28:54 > 0:28:56APPLAUSE
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Let's hear it for Shappi Khorsandi. CHEERING
0:29:13 > 0:29:19I'm now going to introduce a young guy. This is his Live At The Apollo debut.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22You'll have seen him on loads of TV shows. He's a comedy buddy of mine.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24You're going to love him.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27It's the hilarious, the wonderful Jack Whitehall.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Hello, Hammersmith Apollo!
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Good evening.
0:29:42 > 0:29:47So I'm Jack. I live in London, quite locally.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51I'm quite posh, as probably most of you will have already gauged.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54I don't want any shit for it, though.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I do get stick for being posh
0:29:56 > 0:29:57but you know, it's like I always say,
0:29:57 > 0:30:01sticks and stones may break my bones
0:30:01 > 0:30:05but, whatever, I'm with BUPA. Erm...
0:30:09 > 0:30:13I am posh. I'm not right wing, not prejudiced.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14Not homophobic.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Well, I guess I'm homophobic
0:30:17 > 0:30:20in the same sense that I'm arachnophobic.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23I'm not scared of spiders, I'm not scared of gays,
0:30:23 > 0:30:26though I would probably scream if I saw one in my bath.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29APPLAUSE
0:30:35 > 0:30:39I'm young, I'm not like one of the... A regular youth, I guess.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42People are afraid of young people now.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44I'm afraid of young people, as well.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46I forget what I'm meant to be afraid of
0:30:46 > 0:30:49cos it seems to change with young people. If you read the tabloids,
0:30:49 > 0:30:53one minute you get, "Young people, knife crime and gun crime,
0:30:53 > 0:30:56hoodies, ASBOs," all of that stuff.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00Next minute, they're all fat, overweight, the obesity epidemic.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02And I'm confused.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04I don't know what I'm meant to be scared of any more.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07I'm worried to walk down the street unless I'm attacked
0:31:07 > 0:31:09by a fat kid with a knife...
0:31:09 > 0:31:10and a fork.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20I want to stay fit. I want to be good at fitness and health.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23I want to be healthy but I've never been good at it.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Even when I was at school, I hated PE. I hated PE so much at school.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Mainly because of my PE teacher. He was a complete arsehole.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34His name was Mr Walton. He was from South Africa.
0:31:34 > 0:31:39And he was a lumbering hulk of protein shake and unresolved childhood issues,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42which he took out on me every week.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46He was horrible to me. He humiliated me every lesson, right?
0:31:46 > 0:31:50And I remember one class, he tried to get us to do a bleep test,
0:31:50 > 0:31:54which I refused to do because we weren't living in Nazi Germany,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57ironically an environment in which he would have thrived
0:31:57 > 0:32:01and he was shouting at me and pushing me, trying to humiliate me
0:32:01 > 0:32:03and I'm quite a sensitive soul, I couldn't hack it.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Eventually, I flipped.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07He was like, "Go on, Jack. Push yourself now!
0:32:07 > 0:32:11"Embrace the burn! Look at my body, Jack.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14"How do you think I got to where I am today?"
0:32:14 > 0:32:17"I don't know. Oppressing black people?"
0:32:20 > 0:32:25He thought he was a motivator. He thought he was inspirational to the children.
0:32:25 > 0:32:26It wasn't. It was psychotic.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29And it never made any sense, as well.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Once, we were playing basketball and in the middle of the game
0:32:32 > 0:32:35he blew his whistle and shouted at me,
0:32:35 > 0:32:38"The problem with you, Jack, is you're all fart and no poo.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42"When I fart, I follow through and sometimes there's blood."
0:32:49 > 0:32:52I tried at school, I just could never do very well.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55But I always think if you weren't very good at school,
0:32:55 > 0:32:59there's always one thing that everyone that wasn't good at school could hold onto
0:32:59 > 0:33:04and that is that every school, all over the world, in every class,
0:33:04 > 0:33:08there was always that person that was better than everyone else.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11That got into all the sports teams, that was in the school play,
0:33:11 > 0:33:13that had a girlfriend. Mr Perfect.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17You can hold onto the fact that, yeah, they were Mr Perfect at school
0:33:17 > 0:33:20and everyone resented them and they were so great
0:33:20 > 0:33:25but in later life, Mr Perfect will have made his mistakes.
0:33:25 > 0:33:26He will have screwed things up
0:33:26 > 0:33:31and now, with Facebook, you can find the bastard.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34You can hunt him down and look at his photographs
0:33:34 > 0:33:36and realise, "You were Mr Perfect at school
0:33:36 > 0:33:39"but now someone's put on a bit of weight, someone's lost his job
0:33:39 > 0:33:41"and they're sleeping in their car,
0:33:41 > 0:33:44"so screw you, Robbie Westlake!"
0:33:44 > 0:33:45And it's not just them.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49You can also find people who didn't want to have sex with you at school,
0:33:49 > 0:33:53that rejected you at school, and you can find them on Facebook
0:33:53 > 0:33:56and you can hunt them down and look at their photographs
0:33:56 > 0:33:58and do what us perverts like to refer to
0:33:58 > 0:33:59as The Revenge Wank.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02"Yeah! Didn't want to have sex with me at school?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05"How do you like it now, Robbie Westlake?"
0:34:14 > 0:34:18The sad thing is, right, I'm the only person that can't do this.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22I can't hold onto the fact that the person I resented has failed
0:34:22 > 0:34:25because I used to sit next to Mr Perfect in my class.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27I used to have to sit next to him every class,
0:34:27 > 0:34:29every single term time.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31My school, down the road in Sheen, in London.
0:34:31 > 0:34:38And at my school, Mr Perfect's name was Robert Pattinson.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42The star of the internationally acclaimed movies, Twilight,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45who earns hundreds of millions of dollars a year,
0:34:45 > 0:34:50has been voted the sexiest man alive in every magazine there is.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55Not every magazine. Top Gear didn't do the poll but he's really popular.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58And I hate it because all I can think of
0:34:58 > 0:35:01is the knobhead I had to sit next to at school.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Now I see him on the news at all these movie premieres.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08He turns up and there's all of his screaming, adoring fans.
0:35:08 > 0:35:13The girls that have camped out overnight just so they can get a glimpse of his stupid face.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15And they've got his stupid face on their T-shirts
0:35:15 > 0:35:17and it's on their banners,
0:35:17 > 0:35:19these girls that are waiting to see their hero.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Do you know what they chant at his premieres, Robert Pattinson fans?
0:35:23 > 0:35:27They chant, "Bite me, Robert, bite me, bite me! Bite me, vampire!"
0:35:27 > 0:35:29I hope he does bite one of them one day
0:35:29 > 0:35:32and the one that he bites has hepatitis.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34I hate him!
0:35:34 > 0:35:38He stole my dreams.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41For those of you who don't know him, he's in these Twilight films,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43where he plays a vampire.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47But not a fun vampire like Christopher Lee with the cape.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50No, in Twilight, Robert Pattinson plays a vampire
0:35:50 > 0:35:51who looks more like one of Jedward
0:35:51 > 0:35:55that has just been diagnosed with acute pancreatitis
0:35:55 > 0:35:58and is trying to work out what the pancreas is.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01He's everywhere. Everywhere I look. He's in films.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05He's in the Harry Potter film. I went to see that film four times.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Every time, I was the only one laughing when his character died.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17I'll come clean with you, though.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20The main reason I have an issue with Robert Pattinson in Twilight
0:36:20 > 0:36:24is that when I was at school, I wasn't good at sport, I wasn't academic.
0:36:24 > 0:36:30I thought, "If I'm rubbish at everything, I'll have to do drama. That's what you do if you're shit."
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Some drama students in. Awkward laughs.
0:36:33 > 0:36:34What are they going to do?
0:36:34 > 0:36:37"Look at me, Jack. I'm making an angry tree."
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Piss off.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41APPLAUSE
0:36:43 > 0:36:48But I thought, "I'm going to do drama. I'm going to audition for every play the school puts on."
0:36:48 > 0:36:52And every single play that I went in to audition for at my school
0:36:52 > 0:36:56and I learnt all of my lines, I went in and gave it my all
0:36:56 > 0:36:59and every single play that I auditioned for,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02Robert Pattinson got cast in the lead role.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05And I got cast as Villager Six,
0:37:05 > 0:37:08the twat that used to have to stand at the corner of the stage
0:37:08 > 0:37:11and do nothing for an hour and a half,
0:37:11 > 0:37:13whilst his parents looked on ashamed.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16That's not to say I didn't throw myself into these roles.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19When I was playing Villager Six, I would give it my all.
0:37:19 > 0:37:24The teacher would be like, "Jack, at the end of the scene, Robert's doing his speech,
0:37:24 > 0:37:29"just walk very quietly from that side of the stage to this side of the stage
0:37:29 > 0:37:32"and exit quietly without making a fuss."
0:37:32 > 0:37:35I was like, "Oh, my God, sir, you are a fool."
0:37:35 > 0:37:39"When Jack Whitehall is on stage, he does not walk, he glides."
0:37:41 > 0:37:43WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:52 > 0:37:56The other one I'd have to do, and this happened on several occasions,
0:37:56 > 0:37:58the school were forced to write parts into plays
0:37:58 > 0:38:02so my parents wouldn't complain to the headmaster.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Do you realise how humiliating that is?
0:38:04 > 0:38:08When you're stood with all of your friends and peers in front of a cast list
0:38:08 > 0:38:10and, yeah, my name's on it
0:38:10 > 0:38:13but everyone knows there is no emu in the manger.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15I look like a dick.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19But the worst thing about it and it still cuts me up
0:38:19 > 0:38:20and I cannot get over it
0:38:20 > 0:38:22is the one very simple and plain fact
0:38:22 > 0:38:26and that is, Robert Pattinson is not a good actor.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29He wasn't a good actor at school, he's not a good actor now.
0:38:29 > 0:38:34- CHEERING - I've been to see him in these Twilight films several times
0:38:34 > 0:38:38and every time I watch him on the screen through my tears,
0:38:38 > 0:38:41I'm astounded by how big a crock of shit he is.
0:38:41 > 0:38:46All the guy does is mope around, giving this one, same surly look
0:38:46 > 0:38:48and that's a look that he stole off me when...
0:38:48 > 0:38:50HE RANTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:38:53 > 0:38:54APPLAUSE
0:38:54 > 0:38:56CHEERING
0:39:06 > 0:39:08But I'm not bitter. I'm very happy.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14And basically, all I've ever wanted to do is make my parents proud,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17especially my mum. My mum, she's very proud of her children,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20but she's also very openly proud of her children.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22She loves doing that thing all mums like doing -
0:39:22 > 0:39:25going to do the weekly shop at the local supermarket
0:39:25 > 0:39:29and when she's there, look around for other local mothers in the area.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Then they go over, start to have a chat, banter about whatever -
0:39:32 > 0:39:35silly nonsense. And then, slowly but surely,
0:39:35 > 0:39:38that banter will segue into a little exchange
0:39:38 > 0:39:40where they start showing off about their children.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Back and forth, back and forth.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45And what it becomes is essentially, in the supermarket,
0:39:45 > 0:39:48a little supermarket game of Top Trumps with your kids.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52My mum is amazing at playing child Top Trumps
0:39:52 > 0:39:54cos when she plays against other mothers,
0:39:54 > 0:39:56my mum thinks outside the box.
0:39:56 > 0:40:00She uses categories that you didn't even know existed.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03And she can win any exchange with any mother,
0:40:03 > 0:40:06even when she's showing off about my little brother Barnaby,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09who by far and away is her dud card.
0:40:10 > 0:40:15He is. You know how every set of siblings has the one who's shit?
0:40:15 > 0:40:17You're thinking, "Ours doesn't."
0:40:17 > 0:40:20It's you! I see my mum do it, right?
0:40:20 > 0:40:23She'll scour round Sainsbury's looking for the mother
0:40:23 > 0:40:26she wants to have the exchange with. Hunting down her prey.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29When she finds the mother, she'll ram the trolley in front of her
0:40:29 > 0:40:32and start the game. "Hello, Jane, how's Joe?"
0:40:32 > 0:40:35"Joe's doing very well, Hilary, he's bought a new house,
0:40:35 > 0:40:38"he's moving into it with his girlfriend and he has a new job,
0:40:38 > 0:40:42"earning a lot of money. How's your son? I forget his name, oh, yes, Barnaby."
0:40:42 > 0:40:44"Barnaby's fine. How big are Joe's feet?"
0:40:44 > 0:40:46"I beg your pardon?"
0:40:46 > 0:40:50"You heard me, bitch." "I think he's only a size 8."
0:40:50 > 0:40:54"Ooh, only size 8? Barnaby is size 13."
0:40:54 > 0:40:59Ooh, didn't my mum just hit you with the my-son's-got-a-bigger-dick card?
0:40:59 > 0:41:02I think she did.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06It's a low blow but she'll take the round. Walk on, bitch.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Mothers were terrified of my mum.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13They would cower, try and avoid eye contact with her.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16My mother was very much the sheriff in that town.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20But then, ladies and gentlemen, approximately five months ago,
0:41:20 > 0:41:24someone else started shopping in our local Sainsbury's.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Someone that had come into a little bit of money recently
0:41:27 > 0:41:29and all of a sudden there was a new sheriff in town.
0:41:29 > 0:41:35And that sheriff's name was a Mrs Clare Pattinson.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39His mum started shopping in our supermarket.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43And that woman was unbeatable at child Top Trumps.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46My mum wouldn't know what to do. She'd try and hide,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48but Clare would always catch up with her.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52She'd ram the trolley in front and start the exchange. "How's Jack?"
0:41:52 > 0:41:54"Jack's fine, how's Robert?"
0:41:54 > 0:41:56"Robert's doing very well."
0:41:56 > 0:41:58"How big are Robert's feet?"
0:41:58 > 0:42:01"Robert's feet? I think he's only a small size 7."
0:42:01 > 0:42:04"Are they only size 7? Jack is size..."
0:42:04 > 0:42:07"Obviously that's size 7 in the UK, he doesn't live here,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09"he lives in LA where I think he's a size 44.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13"But he doesn't buy shoes for himself, the studio buy them for him
0:42:13 > 0:42:16"cos he's earned them so much money in films like Twilight,
0:42:16 > 0:42:19"which grossed 395m in its opening weekend. What's Jack doing?
0:42:19 > 0:42:21"A gig in Sunderland? How quaint."
0:42:23 > 0:42:28My poor mum was destroyed, she didn't know what to do.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31The only way my mum could see fit to deal with the situation
0:42:31 > 0:42:32was to swap supermarkets.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Robert Pattinson is not only ruining my life,
0:42:35 > 0:42:38he's affecting my diet. It's all right for Clare Pattinson
0:42:38 > 0:42:40just waltzing down the aisles of Sainsbury's,
0:42:40 > 0:42:43buying herself only the finest organic range -
0:42:43 > 0:42:44couscous and quails.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48Meanwhile my mother is self-harming in Lidl.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Ah, you guys have been absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much.
0:42:55 > 0:43:00- I've been Jack Whitehall. Good night. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Let's hear it for Jack Whitehall.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:15 > 0:43:18You've been watching Live At The Apollo. Give it up for Shappi Khorsandi.
0:43:18 > 0:43:21CHEERING
0:43:23 > 0:43:25And give it up for Jack Whitehall. CHEERING
0:43:27 > 0:43:29I'm Kevin Bridges. Thanks for watching.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Good night, God bless.
0:43:50 > 0:43:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:52 > 0:43:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk