0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:50Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Oh, yes, were going to have a good time tonight.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Thank you very much for coming out.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Looking around the audience, who do we have in this evening?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Mr Colin Jackson. In the house!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Yeah, Olympic and world superstar.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Hurdler, yeah?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16But I notice also, a slightly high voice.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Is that one of the hazards of hurdling?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Welcome, Colin. Nice to have you here.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Oh, the lovely Esther Rantzen is here.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33- Hello, Miss Esther, how are you? - I'm good, thanks. - Very nice to have you here.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Unfortunately, if you don't like this show there is not any complaining procedure.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Sorry, but that's...life.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Welcome, welcome.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Before we start, I want to tell you a little bit about myself.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I come from quite a big family.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52There are eight kids in the family. Now, what can I tell you about that?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Well, my dad loved the Jackson Five.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And, quite clearly, sex.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Very, very tough existence.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I remember as a young kid saying to my dad,
0:02:02 > 0:02:06"Dad, dad, with so many kids in the family there's not enough money.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08"Can I have some pocket money?"
0:02:08 > 0:02:11My dad would look at me and go, "Shut up, bastard!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14"Your pocket is for your hand."
0:02:15 > 0:02:20That's not the sort of thing you tell a teenage boy with holes in his pocket.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24I'd say to my dad, "Dad, what does the future hold?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:26He'd sit me down and go, "One day, son,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28"people will hang televisions
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"off their walls as though they were pictures."
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I'd be like, "Dad, what's a picture?"
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I'd say to my mum, "Mum, all the other kids are playing outside.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"Can I play outside?" My mum would go, "Shut up, bastard!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"Go upstairs and read a book." We had one book. The phone book.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I read it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Wasn't a great read. I don't want to spoil it for you.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Lots of characters. And at the end, a lot of Polish people turn up.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Parents are very, very strange. Even little things.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08If we, as a family, played Monopoly, right, and I landed on jail, my dad would make me
0:03:08 > 0:03:11stand in the cupboard under the stairs to add a bit of realism.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I remember when I got one of those Community Chest cards.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21It said, "You've been caught speeding. £60 fine."
0:03:21 > 0:03:25My dad looked at me and went, "Go upstairs to your bedroom and think about what you have done."
0:03:28 > 0:03:30My dad has mellowed later on in life.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34My dad is now 75 years old and we are getting on. We are getting on.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36But a couple of things about him I've now noticed,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38as he's gotten older,
0:03:38 > 0:03:44the level and volume of his sneezing has increased exponentially.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48And I don't know if you know this, but a sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51So when I hear my dad sneezing now,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I just think, "He's never had it so good!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It's really hard to get him out of the house.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I'm like, "Dad, dad, let's go to the pub.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00"What do you think?"
0:04:00 > 0:04:04He'd go, "No, I'm going to have a quiet evening in with the pepper pot."
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Being a child from a big family,
0:04:09 > 0:04:10I had loads of brothers and sisters.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Anyone here who's got an older brother,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16you'll know that you believed EVERYTHING your older brother said.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21He was my God. My older brother told me stuff that I believed.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24My older brother once told me that people on TV could see you as well.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31It was so embarrassing. I could never, ever watch Baywatch again.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Yes, David Hasselhoff knew too much.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39And also he'd say things like,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43"You know, the milkman has got his own special udder.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44"You should go and pull it."
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I pulled it. Social services were called.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And we never saw the milkman again.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Very, very tough existence.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But, at school, you want to fit in and I was very, very paranoid
0:04:58 > 0:05:01cos at school I had really big feet, massive feet.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04So, for three years, as a kid at school,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I wore shoes three sizes too small.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12Would you believe it, later on in life, I've got a crooked cock.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20Some of you now are trying to process that! "How did he walk?"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26But also at school, I wanted a teacher...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Do we have any teachers here this evening? Any teachers?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30SHOUTS AND CHEERS
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Yes, what age group do you teach?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Secondary? Respect to you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Respect.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- What subject?- Maths. - So you do maths, and you?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Science. Respect.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I asked that same question at a show yesterday, lady at the front went, "Yeah, I do primary."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I went, "Listen, love, you're not a teacher. You're a helper.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"Let me guess, what subject do you teach?"
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"Everything."
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I wanted a teacher at school who was inspiring.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03A teacher like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Instead, I got a teacher like Robin Williams in a Mrs Doubtfire.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12We weren't even allowed to go on any school trips. Anybody go on school trips?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Yeah, where did you go, sir?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- The beach.- The beach?!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20That really doesn't help me at all. "Beach!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"We go trip beach!"
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Where are you from, sir?- Kent.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Kent. OK, beach.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I shouldn't disparage. I digress.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I once went on a family holiday many years ago.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Obviously, as I said, there were so many kids in the family
0:06:36 > 0:06:39that the only memory of family holidays
0:06:39 > 0:06:40is the smell of petrol, right?
0:06:40 > 0:06:45With all us kids in the car, my dad would put me and my sister in the boot.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Yeah? After four hours in the boot, I'd go, "Dad, dad, can you guess where we are yet?"
0:06:50 > 0:06:52And he'd go, "Shut up, bastard!
0:06:52 > 0:06:57"We're on the motorway and if you are talking, you're not hiding."
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- It was a family holiday in Margate, back in the old days. - CHEERING
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Oh, please, don't cheer Margate. I haven't finished.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I'm talking the late '70s, right?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15All the family traipsed down there, arrived in Margate,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19miserable weather, horrible food, rainy, windy.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24We walked along the beachfront and this random bloke comes up to us and goes, "Oi, you lot!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28"Why don't you go back to where you came from?"
0:07:28 > 0:07:29And I was like,
0:07:29 > 0:07:33"Don't you think I've asked myself the very same question?"
0:07:42 > 0:07:43But then fast forward to this year
0:07:43 > 0:07:46and I've had two holidays already. Two holidays.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I went to America. Mmm, boom!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Yes, but I don't know if you know this, folks, but in America
0:07:51 > 0:07:54there is no point of reference for a black British person, right?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I was in a cafe in America. I said, "I'd like a cappuccino, please."
0:07:58 > 0:08:00The guy behind the desk went,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"Oh, my God!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"It's Jeffrey from the Fresh Prince!"
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Don't applaud that.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I look nothing like him!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21In fact, a friend said to me that I look like a black Alan Sugar.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27No, say it ain't so!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32One of the reasons I went to America is because my favourite drink is Jack Daniels.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35So I went to the birthplace of Jack Daniels, which is where?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- ALL: Tennessee.- Thank you.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Whereabouts in Tennessee? Lynchburg.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49It's OK, folks, what's done is done.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52But how much does it cost to change a sign?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I went to the Jack Daniel's distillery.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57They could answer all my questions. How long is the ageing process?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59How long does it take to go through all the charcoal?
0:08:59 > 0:09:03The one question they couldn't answer was, "Why is this place still called Lynchburg?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06"Come on, guys, don't leave me hanging."
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And I also went to Nigeria.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15My parents are from Nigeria and it was quite an experience.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I arrived at immigration with my two earrings, right?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20The immigration took one look at me and went,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23"Ah, are you a man or a woman?"
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I said, "I'm quite clearly a man."
0:09:29 > 0:09:33And he said, "Shame. With your powerful legs and your broad shoulders,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"you make a beautiful lady."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42The things I've done for a visa.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Angela. My good friend, Angela Griffin's here. Hi, Ange. All right?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52We like Ange, yeah? In the house.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I loved you in Coronation Street.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- You played a hairdresser. - That's right.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57And in Cutting It you played a hairdresser.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- A beautician, actually. - A beautician?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Quite similar. What a range.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I've been on tour, as well, folks, and I've seen all of the country.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I travelled on various means of transport.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I took the train. Oh, my God!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14When I took the train as a kid,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17it was only so my mum could beat us in public.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"Think yourself lucky.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24"Other children are merely beaten at home.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30"I'm beating you as you gaze out on to beautiful scenery."
0:10:30 > 0:10:34And the trains now, aren't they so high-tech?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Oh, my God. You now get a socket by your seat.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38A socket by your seat.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41If you're on a train, there is a socket by your seat.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Use it to the max.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Get your ironing done.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Blow-dry your hair.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53When I now travel on the train,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I take a kettle and George Foreman grill.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Yeah, I can knock out coffee and sandwiches
0:10:59 > 0:11:01cheaper than the buffet car.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06And television, I'm really a big fan of TV, right.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09People are now saying that apparently
0:11:09 > 0:11:12young people are being influenced by what they see on TV.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16And any parents here, you might remember this, there is a cartoon called Peppa Pig.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- Anybody know that cartoon? - CHEERING
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Yeah. People are applauding a cartoon! "Oh yes!"
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And what it was, they had to re-edit two of the episodes cos apparently
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Peppa Pig was seen driving a car without a seatbelt.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yeah. We had Roadrunner!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39He jumped off buildings.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43If you've got a child who copies what they see on adverts,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45that's called natural selection.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Get rid. Get another one.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Back in the old days, '70s, '80s,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59all our bits of technology were built into bits of furniture.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Look at people nodding. Yes!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Is it any wonder the rainforest is now depleting?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08The stereo in our lounge was built under so much mahogany
0:12:08 > 0:12:10that I thought if I lifted the lid
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I would discover a lost Amazonian tribe.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"Mum, look,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20"a man with a plate in his lip has just shot a dart in my face."
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"Shut up, he's your father."
0:12:25 > 0:12:29When I was growing up, we had one telephone in the house, in the hallway.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Anybody my age remember that? One telephone.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37I'd be like that, "Listen, I can't talk for long, Dad is staring at me.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"Dad, dad, can I have some privacy?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:44And he'd go, "Privacy?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"Buy your own house!"
0:12:48 > 0:12:53One thing I remember from school, though, teachers, yeah, finger painting.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Remember that? I loved that. Cos I come from inner-city London, right?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And it was only later on in life that I realised it was
0:13:00 > 0:13:03our headmaster's ingenious way to get our fingerprints early.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09He'd say, "Most of you will go on to offend later on in life.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"I'm a merely cutting out the middleman."
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Also, one of the things I seem to remember from school, folks, right,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18one of the main things I remember is that I'm not a very sporty child.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Not sporty at all. And it dawned on me, right,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23if you're a white kid at an all-black school,
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and you're not sporty, people assume you're academic.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30But if you're a black kid at an all-white school,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33you can't dance or sing, people assume you're adopted.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40The one thing I loved at school was the power of the note.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Forget the man who invented the television. Forget him.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Forget the man who invented the internet.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49The power of the note, the note could get you out of anything.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52PE? No, I've got a note.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Jabs? I've got a note.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59If only the note could follow you later on in life.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Can you imagine me in the military
0:14:01 > 0:14:04in a Chinook helicopter over Afghanistan?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07"Private Amos, jump." "I can't, I've got a note.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11"Mum says don't jump. Not in these shoes.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"You get me?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:21And the leader of the free world, Barack Obama, wow, look at that.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25If Barack Obama was a kid at my primary school and said to my careers adviser,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"I want to be the President",
0:14:27 > 0:14:30the careers adviser would have gone, "Well, O-bummer..."
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Obviously a temporary careers adviser.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39"..I can definitely see you on the campaign bus...driving it."
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Also, folks, I want to be a bit honest with you tonight.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I'm very much into same-sex relationships
0:14:47 > 0:14:49cos I think it's very important
0:14:49 > 0:14:51that you're both into the same kind of sex.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Otherwise it can create friction.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58GROANS
0:14:58 > 0:15:00APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Thank you.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06People say to me, "Steve, are you gay or bisexual?"
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I go, "Definitely gay, there's no two ways about it."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14That's one positive thing about being gay
0:15:14 > 0:15:16cos a lot of those skills are transferable.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Is that too much?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24But my mum's take on it is this,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26if my mum saw me having sex with a man she'd be like this.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31"Oh, the man my son is having sex with, HE is the gay one."
0:15:34 > 0:15:35That's my mum.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41But my friends, they are quite bad at trying to set me up.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I say to them I like a man in uniform.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Barry from B&Q wasn't quite what I had in mind.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53But, as I say, I'm having fun at the moment doing this job.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Look at me, yeah, I've actually been asked to host Live At The Apollo!
0:15:57 > 0:16:02CHEERING
0:16:04 > 0:16:06And Lenny Henry isn't dead. No!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11He's just locked in a room at the Premiere Inn.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21OK, ladies and gentlemen, are we ready to start the show?
0:16:21 > 0:16:22CHEERING
0:16:22 > 0:16:27Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome my first guest on tonight.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31A very good friend of mine. A rising star on the comedy circuit.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36Please give it up for the comedy talents that are Mr John Richardson!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Hello.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Hello.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56How are you?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59This is good, isn't it? Big!
0:16:59 > 0:17:00HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Ooh, yeah!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04One of them as well. Why not?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Very rare you get that response in a cardigan, but, you know.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11It's nice. It's times like this, as a stand-up,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14you realise, I think I basically just moan for a living.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I'm going to make a concerted effort to be positive and happy
0:17:18 > 0:17:20cos that's what people like, apparently.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22And I get accused, I constantly get told
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I'm grumpy and miserable, and I'm not. I'm happy. I'm upbeat.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I love being alive.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Love being a human.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Being a human's unbelievable, isn't it?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33If you're a human, you really have nothing to moan about.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37I realise this year that being a human is the best on the planet.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I was on a plane eating a chicken sandwich.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43That's not it. It's pretty good, though.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I thought, "I am eating a bird whilst I am flying."
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Unbelievable. I, a flightless land mammal,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58am consuming a bird in mid-air.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Never mind the fact I just ordered a gin and tonic in a cloud.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Being a human's so easy that that's are why you get annoyed with people
0:18:08 > 0:18:13cos people don't seem to try as hard as I would like them to, about life.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I am a perfectionist. Give us a cheer if you're a perfectionist.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Fair few of you. The rest of you are annoying.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23You go around and make mistakes and you drop things and you laugh
0:18:23 > 0:18:27about it, cos you think it's part of life's rich tapestry.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It isn't. You should be trying harder.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I'm a massive perfectionist
0:18:31 > 0:18:35to the point that every mistake in my life counts the same.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38So, in my world, dropping a spoon is the same as running someone over.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40In that, you didn't mean to do it and you did it,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42so you have to get angry about it
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and make sure it never happens again. And I watch people make mistakes.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49I came into London last year to do some gigs and I was on the London Underground.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I was on the Hammersmith and City line which, if you don't know London,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55is the line that goes from Hammersmith into the City.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Cockneys really don't piss around when they're naming their things.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"I built a tube line, Gary. It goes from Hammersmith to the City."
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"Oh, yeah, what you gonna call it?"
0:19:04 > 0:19:08"Don't muck about, Gary. Don't muck about."
0:19:10 > 0:19:13So anyway, I was on the Underground, sat down.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I knew I needed six stops to get to where I was going
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and opposite me on are two young girls,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19they're all dressed up, going out for the evening.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21They're laughing, giggling, joking.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23They're generally pissing me off.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I'm not a big fan of public shows of joy.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34My motto is, there's misery in this world, you just have to look for it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39If something's broken, you can fix it and if it's untidy, you can tidy it.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42If someone's unhappy, you can make them laugh and you've made their day a bit better.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Happy people are finished. You can't help them.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47If you're happy, don't go out,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49just stay at home and enjoy walls and ceilings.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52My real issue with the happy is it's happy people who make mistakes
0:19:52 > 0:19:56because they're so busy enjoying life they've forgotten to do it properly.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58So I was on the underground and these girls were laughing away.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01A perfect example because they are enjoying being together so much
0:20:01 > 0:20:04they haven't noticed they've got on completely the wrong train.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08So we are hurtling off in this direction and they should actually be going in this direction.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11About five minutes in, one of the girls cottoned on.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12She tapped her mate and went,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16LAUGHS HEARTILY
0:20:16 > 0:20:17"We're on the..."
0:20:17 > 0:20:22I would have been furious.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Let's say it now - that's not funny, is it?
0:20:26 > 0:20:31What's happened there is you've just lost a big chunk of your life.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32The time you were going to spend
0:20:32 > 0:20:34doing the thing you left the house to do
0:20:34 > 0:20:36you will now spend correcting your ineptitude.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I know some people would say once you've got on the wrong train,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41there's nothing you can do but laugh about it.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43The only reason you'd laugh in this situation
0:20:43 > 0:20:47is if you do this so often you've just had to learn to find it amusing.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"Done it again, what are we like?!"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I'll tell you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Shit at being alive.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03It wasn't just that they laughed initially, they laughed all through
0:21:03 > 0:21:07the conversation about the fact there was no line they could get that would hook them back round
0:21:07 > 0:21:10and they'd have to cross the track at the next stop and go back in the opposite direction.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Then one of them went,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16"You'll have to phone Neil and tell him we're going to be late. He won't believe this!"
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Yes, he will.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21It's not a far-fetched anecdote, is it?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Neil's an idiot if you phone him and go, "We've got on the wrong train",
0:21:24 > 0:21:27and he goes, "No, it's never happened before!"
0:21:27 > 0:21:29And they got off and they were still laughing.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32They got off at the next stop. I sat there thinking, "This is unbelievable!
0:21:32 > 0:21:37"If you're not going to let this ruin your day, I'm going to have to take one for the team here.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43"Strap on a pair and learn from this mistake even though I didn't make it."
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I just started ranting in my chair. "This is typical of the world, this is.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50"Never mind laughing about it, the fact is, Neil is waiting for them."
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"And I'll tell you why Neil is waiting for them,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58"cos Neil got there in good time by getting the right frigging train.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00"I've got no qualms with Neil, Neil's a good egg."
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I ranted for about 10 minutes.
0:22:04 > 0:22:10All I achieved in that 10 minutes was that I went straight through the stop I was meant to be getting off at.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You would have to concede that that's mental illness,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23if you are allowing your own life to be ruined by mistakes you haven't even made.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The worst thing about it is it means a relationship is out of the question
0:22:26 > 0:22:30because you can't go out with someone when you pick up on every mistake, people don't like it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33My view on relationships and on people in general is this -
0:22:33 > 0:22:35There are two types of people in the world.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Basically there are putters and leavers.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42If you are not sure which one you are, you'll find out if I ask you a question like "Where are your keys?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and you go, "They are where I put them." You are a putter.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47And to sum up, you're a good human being.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51You work hard, you try hard, you are probably quite successful.
0:22:51 > 0:22:57The other group, the leavers, or shithead devils...
0:22:57 > 0:22:58To give them their full title.
0:22:58 > 0:23:04If you say to them, "Where are your keys?" They'll go, "Wherever I left them!"
0:23:04 > 0:23:06And you will die in an accident.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11That's just a fact, you have to know where things are. That is a fact.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13And here's the problem in relationships.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16You tend to find you get a putter with a lever.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You can't have two putters together cos they will kill each other
0:23:19 > 0:23:22over which way the beans should face in the cupboard.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25"They go westwards." "Oh, do they? In your face?"
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Of course, you can never have two leavers together cos they will die of dysentery.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35What you tend to find is you get a putter with a leaver.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40The most annoying thing about leavers is they are more fun to be around, they are happier people,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43because they go around dropping things and knocking stuff over
0:23:43 > 0:23:48and the putter goes, "That goes there, that goes there. I'm valid in the relationship."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Leavers drop things cos they're enjoying life.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55"Who cares where my keys are? Tin foil - shiny!"
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Not a good mixture in a relationship.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06"Let's make a collage."
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"Let's make a list."
0:24:08 > 0:24:13I make lists for a very simple reason. I like to control my life.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16My view on happiness is it's kind of like that.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17It goes up and down, it's wavy.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21The happier you are, the sadder you'll be. It always evens out.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24And if you're impulsive, you will have days where everything's perfect
0:24:24 > 0:24:28but you'll have days when everything goes bad and you'll fluctuate a lot like that.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I can't handle that, so I keep my wave fairly shallow.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"Oh, that was a nice Kit Kat. Oh, bloody hell."
0:24:35 > 0:24:40And if I try to be impulsive I don't know how it's done and I just ruin days.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44The last girlfriend I went out with, we were chatting, it was the first time we'd spoken.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47She said, "Let's go out on a date. What would you like to do?"
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I thought, "Don't be honest about what you would like to do
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"cos it's probably weird. Say something sexy and impulsive."
0:24:53 > 0:24:59I said something so impulsive even I didn't really know I was going to say it until after it had happened.
0:24:59 > 0:25:05She said, "Oh, this has been nice, what would you like to do?" I said, "Oh, let's go ice-skating."
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Which is easily the shittest sentence I have ever said.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14The phrase, "Would you like to go ice skating?" is on a par with "Would you like a fire bath?"
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Just an experience and a range of temperatures your body does not need to go through.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23If you go ice-skating, you will fall and hurt yourself and it's your fault.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28Ice has evolved. It's got slippery for a reason. It doesn't want us on its back.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I don't mind falling over, I fall over in life, I like a drink.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36You trip and you put your hands out and you try and minimise the damage. That doesn't work on ice.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39On ice, you splay out and you slide for another 50 yards,
0:25:39 > 0:25:43surrounded by out-of-control teenagers with razor blades on their shoes.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48That is how you lose three fingers. If you're going to lose fingers,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50you need an anecdote, cos you'll get asked about it.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54"Where did you lose those fingers, was in a war?" "No, in an ice rink."
0:25:54 > 0:25:58So I panicked. We went on the date, she'd been before so she went straight through the gate.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01She was doing loop the loop, plies and triple salchows and all that bollocks.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I thought, "I can't go out in the middle, that is the most dangerous area.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09"But what I can do is just move around the edge and then I've got a barrier to hold onto."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Which, in terms of health and safety, is a 10 out of 10 move.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17In terms of looking sexy on a first date it's a nought out of 10 move.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21She was looking over at me trying to look sexy and I'm going...
0:26:22 > 0:26:23"You like this, baby?"
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"Daddy moves like your grandmother, that's right."
0:26:30 > 0:26:32She tried everything to get me off the edge.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34"Come on, John, what's the worst that could happen?"
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I went, "Three fingers!" She actually misunderstood.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Awkward conversation.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Eventually she got me off the edge and the sentence she used,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I will guarantee everyone watching this has done something
0:26:48 > 0:26:51they had no intention of doing because of the following phrase.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54She went, "Come on, John, in at the deep end."
0:26:54 > 0:26:57There's something about that phrase that makes you go...
0:26:57 > 0:26:58"In at the deep end!"
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I think it's just because it's rhythmical.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05"Dibby-de-ba-ba." And you go, "Dibby-de-ba-ba!"
0:27:05 > 0:27:07As advice, it's terrible. It basically means, "Why don't you,
0:27:07 > 0:27:11"as a non-swimmer, just have a jump in that deep water there?"
0:27:11 > 0:27:14You might as well just say, "Go on, try and kill yourself."
0:27:16 > 0:27:22The advice should be, "Come on, John, let's walk there together from the shallow end with floats on."
0:27:22 > 0:27:24That doesn't scan. She said, "In at the deep end"
0:27:24 > 0:27:28and I thought, "Well, that's obviously how you learn to ice-skate or she wouldn't have said it."
0:27:28 > 0:27:31So I flung myself off the edge, instantly slipped...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33And you really need your brain there to go,
0:27:33 > 0:27:38"It's all right, I've got this one, I know exactly what to do." What my brain said was...
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"It's all right, John, I actually think you can outrun this."
0:27:45 > 0:27:47You can't outrun a fall.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50No one in the history of mankind has ever run outrun a fall.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55You just double your options to falling or smashing your face into a wall.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56I started pumping my legs.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Cos there's no friction, they just go like that.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03You enter a move I call the road runner phase, where the legs are going but the body is still.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06But it feels like you are winning cos you're not falling any more.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08"This is just fine, this.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"I'll just do this for all eternity. We'll get married here."
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Then I started tilting forward and I thought,
0:28:13 > 0:28:17"I'm probably not that far from the barrier. "I can probably still get hold of that."
0:28:17 > 0:28:20I flung my arm out and I got the barrier...
0:28:20 > 0:28:22You weren't expecting that, were you, world?
0:28:22 > 0:28:27Then I thought, "That barrier is actually a little bit squidgier than the last one.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30"I don't remember the last one screaming when I grabbed hold of it."
0:28:30 > 0:28:35And I grabbed her. Not an outstretched arm or anything like that, just an innocent breast.
0:28:37 > 0:28:42And because this is comedy, I imagine you think it was a kind of Hugh Grant romantic comedy style,
0:28:42 > 0:28:46"Oh, no, how embarrassing, but slightly arousing. See you at the bottom!"
0:28:46 > 0:28:51It was nothing like that, it was just a good, old-fashioned, "Aagh!"
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"This is mine."
0:28:55 > 0:28:57I really pulled on this thing.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Various thoughts go through a man's brain when he's grabbed a breast.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05First of all, "Hee-hee-hee."
0:29:06 > 0:29:09There's nothing you can do about that, that's a reflex.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Second is usually, "I should let go of this.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16"I don't think she's getting the buzz that we are."
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Not my brain. My brain said, "Don't let go of that, you'll fall."
0:29:20 > 0:29:23So I carried on pulling on it, right.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27She was a lovely girl but she wasn't built to carry that kind of load.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30She hit the deck and I came tumbling after her.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32On the floor she's already laughing.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35She thinks, "If we get together this is going to be hilarious."
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I'm lying next to her absolutely furious.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Not only because she'd buckled.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46"Put your back into it, love, there's two of us in this."
0:29:46 > 0:29:47It was mainly cos I'd found out
0:29:47 > 0:29:52that when you grab breasts they don't go... HE MAKES HONKING NOISE
0:29:52 > 0:29:53Devastating.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00This has been an absolute honour. Take care. Bye-bye.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Mr John Richardson.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18Ladies and gentlemen, are we ready for the next act?
0:30:18 > 0:30:19CHEERING
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to ask you to help us welcome
0:30:23 > 0:30:28another very good friend of mine, a very special guest on the stage tonight, a very funny man indeed,
0:30:28 > 0:30:33please, give it up for the comedy talents that are Micky Flanagan!
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Hello, thank you.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45Thank you.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Good evening, everybody. Hello.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57Very nice to be here. So I'm from the East End of London.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Let's use the facilities. This is the cockney walk.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03This is your casual cockney walk, this.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05This is your standard cockney walk.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09"Not a lot going on. Just having a little bit of a walkabout.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12"There you go. Having a little walkabout. A little look about."
0:31:12 > 0:31:15Just your casual cockney walk.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Then you've got your busy cockney walk.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20"Obviously I'm double busy. Double busy!
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"Can't hang about. I've got to sign on and get back to work."
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Left school with a bottle opener.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Made in the third year. It wasn't a rubbish one.
0:31:36 > 0:31:42It was good, because the two biggest departments in our schools, woodwork and metalwork.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45So I made the metal bits in the metalwork department.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47I went inter-departmental.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Went across the corridor.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54I said to the woodwork teacher,
0:31:54 > 0:31:58"Do you mind if I put a wooden handle on my bottle opener, sir?"
0:32:00 > 0:32:02He said, "You're a natural, son.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05"Things are going to work out for you."
0:32:05 > 0:32:09We made ashtrays in the second year.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Bottle openers in the third year.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Prams in the fourth year.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22But my big thing in the 80s, chasing women.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26Back in the 80s, I was an international lover and player.
0:32:29 > 0:32:35I was. I made love to women as far afield as Cardiff, Cornwall.
0:32:36 > 0:32:41I got a girl to wank me off on the Isle of Wight. A day trip.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47It was easy to get sex in the 80s. You had to really work for it.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Women didn't want to part up too quickly.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52You had to go to work.
0:32:52 > 0:32:57If you met a girl and were taking her out on Saturday night,
0:32:57 > 0:33:01"Bosh, here we go, a splash of Paco Rabanne."
0:33:01 > 0:33:03Get your jeans out of the cleaners.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05A nice crease on them.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10And you took her out for the evening, you treated her.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12You took her out for a Steak Diane.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16A few Cinzano Biancos.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21And if she wanted a prawn cocktail, she got a prawn cocktail.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Women went mental for the prawn cocktail in the 80s.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31You'd see her little face light up.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35You've sat her down and you've presented her with prawns...
0:33:36 > 0:33:38..Lettuce...
0:33:38 > 0:33:40in a wine glass....
0:33:42 > 0:33:47..Drizzled with the dressing from a thousand islands.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54"Not salad cream tonight, Princess."
0:33:56 > 0:33:58"Tonight, you're special."
0:33:59 > 0:34:05"You're going to get a dressing that's been gathered from a thousand islands...
0:34:05 > 0:34:08"and brought to this steak house in Bethnal Green."
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Now, you want the vagina.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15This hasn't changed.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Men have chased the vagina since time began.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21The vagina has changed, as we know.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24It was still a big hairy beast back in the 80s.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30Big, hairy, militant, Marxist, feminist vagina.
0:34:32 > 0:34:38It was angry, the vagina, in the 80s. Had a terrible attitude.
0:34:40 > 0:34:46I mean, the knickers weren't small and it was still busting out the side. Big angry vagina!
0:34:49 > 0:34:55You started rolling these Marxist knickers down and it would come out, "Grrr! What are you looking at?"
0:34:57 > 0:35:00But you want the vagina.
0:35:00 > 0:35:05So I got myself a place, kitted it out for love - bedsitter.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09Quality bedsitter. Not council.
0:35:09 > 0:35:14And I went and got all the latest gear. I spent about 700 quid, "Right, let's go."
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Take her back, sit her down on the futon.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21She's half in bed already.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24Up there for thinking.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Go over to my stereo stacker system.
0:35:28 > 0:35:33Got a stereo stacker.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38With a built-in graphic equaliser.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42That does nothing.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48I slip into the cassette deck,
0:35:48 > 0:35:52Now That's What I Call Music...
0:35:52 > 0:35:53Two.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Now, I know Luther Vandross will be on in a minute.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06When Luther comes on, bosh, I'm in.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12This frees up the time for me to go off to the kitchenette area.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14I've got a kitchenette area.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16It's not a pisshole I'm living in.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21I've got a kitchenette. I go behind my little bit of curtain.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Got to have a little bit of curtain around your kitchen, come on.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32I change into the uniform of the international player,
0:36:32 > 0:36:37which we know is the silk, black kimono.
0:36:38 > 0:36:42Come back out into the main area.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I've kept my jeans on. I'm not a monster.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I turn round to reveal the dragon.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Hold that pose.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Come back with a nice chilled bottle of Blue Nun.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Oh, she's gone.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10Now, playing days are over for me anyway.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I sorted my life out in the late 80s.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Met a very nice girl. Proper middle class.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16She's been skiing and everything.
0:37:18 > 0:37:23About four years ago - we were together six years -
0:37:23 > 0:37:26we were making love, right? Making love.
0:37:26 > 0:37:31She said, "I want a baby. I want a baby."
0:37:31 > 0:37:35I said, "Well, if you come off the pill I'll start leaving it in, right?"
0:37:35 > 0:37:39So...started leaving it in.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Child came along, was created.
0:37:45 > 0:37:51My wife, quite a middle-class woman, said, after a few months, "I'm losing my identity.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54"Losing my identity!"
0:37:56 > 0:37:58I said, "Have you finished your cleaning?"
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Course I didn't. We've got a cleaner.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Everyone's got a cleaner now. Poor people have got cleaners.
0:38:08 > 0:38:14So...she went back to work, leaving me to bring the child up.
0:38:14 > 0:38:20So I'm pushing him along the street in his £500 pram, which I resented, initially.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Then I got involved in a race in Somerfields.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27Turns on a tanner. Turns on a tanner.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33Some idiot in a £200 buggy tried to cut me up?!
0:38:35 > 0:38:39I said, "Come on, mate, there's a monkey's worth of pramette coming through here.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45"Shouldn't you be in Iceland's with that thing?"
0:38:51 > 0:38:56I'm not... I'm not a snob.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59But we did buy an overpriced house to store the baby in,
0:38:59 > 0:39:04you know what I mean? In a nice area. Really nice area.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08My wife went back to work. It's the thing about having children,
0:39:08 > 0:39:12it is a bit tedious because you get up early with them. You get up about 6:30am.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15By about 7:30am, you're running out of ideas.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20So the government say, "Not too much telly, not too much telly."
0:39:20 > 0:39:23They don't know what they're talking about.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25He loves a bit of telly.
0:39:26 > 0:39:32Never once has this little boy turned to me and gone, "There's nothing on, Dad."
0:39:32 > 0:39:34I put him by the telly, right.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38He's watching Thomas the Tank Engine. I'm reading about the budget deficit,
0:39:38 > 0:39:43which is very high, as we know, and you should be more worried about it.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48He's watching Thomas. I'm reading the paper. He's watching Thomas.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52I'm reading the paper. Suddenly, I'M watching Thomas.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Two years later, I'm a massive fan of Thomas.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02I've got to know the trains again, haven't I?
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Their little personalities, you know.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08You think, "Oh, Toby's turned up, this'll be a blinder, this will."
0:40:13 > 0:40:22No, cos he's not a proper diesel or a steamy, he's square, he plays up a bit, you know.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25So you're guaranteed a good episode with Toby.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29Now, the worst thing about having children - you're thoroughly enjoying an episode of Thomas,
0:40:29 > 0:40:34the little boy looks up at me and thinks, "He's enjoying himself a bit. I'm not having that.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37"I think I'll go off and top myself."
0:40:37 > 0:40:39So he goes and gets in the oven.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Keep me on my toes. And you have to go,
0:40:42 > 0:40:46"Hot, hot, hot! Hot, hot, hot!"
0:40:49 > 0:40:51And you miss the end of Thomas.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54It ruins the rest of your day.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57Ruins it. It gnaws away at you.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59You think, "How did that end?"
0:41:02 > 0:41:06And it's not the sort of show you can just pop down the pub that night
0:41:06 > 0:41:10and start asking about, you know what I mean?
0:41:10 > 0:41:13Saying to people, "I don't suppose you saw Thomas this morning, did you?"
0:41:16 > 0:41:22"They brought the orchestra over, right, to play at the fete, the Sodor fete,
0:41:22 > 0:41:25"they've only sent Percy to pick them up, haven't they?
0:41:25 > 0:41:30"I don't know what the Fat Controller's thinking about sometimes, I really don't."
0:41:31 > 0:41:34"We know it's a job for Gordon, don't we?
0:41:34 > 0:41:36"Possibly Henry, at a push."
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Ladies and gentlemen, you have been absolutely lovely.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Thank you.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Mr Micky Flanagan!
0:42:01 > 0:42:03Yes, what a great time we've had tonight.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06Just to round up, I just want to say one last thing.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09They say PC has gone a bit too mad in this country.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11Everyone's a bit too PC. Too PC.
0:42:11 > 0:42:18Now, I think PC's OK if it means you've got to think before you speak and you respect other people.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20However, it can go too far.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22A blackboard is a blackboard.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Keep singing Baa Baa Black Sheep.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28It dawned on me when I watched a programme earlier this year.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31It was called Finding Dorothy. Anybody see that programme?
0:42:31 > 0:42:36Basically they were looking for a West End star to play Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.
0:42:36 > 0:42:37I was hooked on this programme.
0:42:37 > 0:42:44I watched it until it got to the final ten and I found out that one of them was black.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47And I was like, "What?
0:42:47 > 0:42:51"To play Dorothy? I don't think so."
0:42:53 > 0:42:58Now, don't get me wrong, folks, there were black people in rural Kansas in 1939.
0:42:58 > 0:43:01They just weren't allowed on the Yellow Brick Road.
0:43:05 > 0:43:11Ladies and gentlemen, that about rounds it up for tonight. Please help me thank my first guest,
0:43:11 > 0:43:12Mr John Richardson!
0:43:17 > 0:43:20And we finished with Mr Micky Flanagan!
0:43:27 > 0:43:30You have been a great audience. I have simply been gorgeous.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33My name is Stephen K Amos. Good night.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:36 > 0:43:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk