0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24please welcome your host for tonight - Lenny Henry!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Yeah, yeah!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Good evening, Live at the Apollo!
0:00:51 > 0:00:55CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Fantastic!
0:00:57 > 0:01:02I love this show because it's the only one on TV with no vampires in it.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Everything's got vampires now.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08If my daughter and me were vampires, it'd be exactly the same.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13I'd be texting her at 5am - "Where RU? Sun about 2 come up.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16"U will explode!" She'd be like,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20"Am in field with pals, drinking dead sheep.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22"Leave me alone!"
0:01:22 > 0:01:25So I'm like, "Have you seen the state of your coffin, young lady?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"There's a half-dead bloke twitching in the corner.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31"I've told you not to play with your food!" "Stay out of my coffin!
0:01:31 > 0:01:36"I hate you!" She's just mad at me cos I ate her boyfriend.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Black people in the house say "Ho!"
0:01:40 > 0:01:41- AUDIENCE:- Ho!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43It's like a Tupac convention.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Brixton's empty.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49I said that in Winchester once - absolute silence!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Not one black guy in the entire place.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54All right, there was one.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57He was in the second row going, "Please don't talk to me."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Imagine being the only black guy in Winchester.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Wouldn't that be fantastic?
0:02:01 > 0:02:06You'd have a licence to go up to every black woman you see and go, "Excuse me, we have to breed."
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Listen, I've got to tell you this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14The BNP had a Christmas disco - this is absolutely true -
0:02:14 > 0:02:17the BNP had a Christmas disco and when the DJ arrived,
0:02:17 > 0:02:21they all walked out because the DJ was black.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25The BNP hired a black DJ!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Their spokesman said, "He sounded white on the phone!"
0:02:32 > 0:02:36What? The DJ's got to sound extra black on the phone?
0:02:36 > 0:02:40EXAGGERATED ACCENT: Hello, I am the DJ for your Christmas party.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45My name is King Bobatoondy Zaniadema Mandela. Heh-heh!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47APPLAUSE
0:02:47 > 0:02:52My fee is £100, but you can pay me in buffalo.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I think we've come a long way, though. When I first watched television,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00there were no black people on it at all.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04If somebody black did come on, people thought there was something wrong with the set.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07They'd be on the phone to the TV repair man.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"There's a dark bloke on my telly - can you come and get him off?"
0:03:10 > 0:03:13The only black people on TV were the Black and White Minstrels.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16They had black shoe polish on their faces
0:03:16 > 0:03:17and these huge white lips.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Accurate.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:03:20 > 0:03:22My mum would be this close to the screen,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26"Well, it's nice to see some black people on television for a change.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"But look at them lips.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"They must be from one of the small islands."
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I love being a comedian - this is all I can do.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39In my heart I'm a 16-year-old boy, which is great for a comedian
0:03:39 > 0:03:42but not if you're a gynaecologist.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44God, can you imagine me coming into the room?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Your feet are in stirrups, "All right, Mrs Makin...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"Bloody hell, I can see everything!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"Do you want some cider?"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I couldn't be an airline pilot, on your own in the cockpit.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00I'd have to be a steward, out there with the passengers.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Put on a bit of a show.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03RAPS: People, if we're in a crash
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Please do not despair
0:04:05 > 0:04:10Grab a mask from above your head and suck in lots of air
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Whip on your life jacket and tie it very tight
0:04:13 > 0:04:18Then stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodnight!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Actually, do you know what?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32I wouldn't mind being a pilot, cos everyone's life depends on you.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35You can get away with anything, can't you?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Who's going to argue with that voice they do?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40FORMAL VOICE: This is your captain speaking.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42My name is Brian.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44How much do YOU earn?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Hope you have an enjoyable flight.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Our stewardesses are there to help you
0:04:50 > 0:04:54and our stewards are there to show we employ gays.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Right, we are cleared for take-off.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Let me take the chewing gum out of my mouth
0:05:03 > 0:05:06and stick it in my co-pilot Nigel's ear. He loves it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Take that, you bitch.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Weather in Miami is superb - 26C with a light breeze.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Shame we're going to Glasgow, where the weather's shit.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23If you'd like to visit the cockpit you're very welcome.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25You don't have to give me a blow job.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Maybe you think I fly better when I'm tense.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Want to risk it? Go ahead.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37If there are any drug mules with us today, I have one word for you.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Share.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Hello, hello, how are you? Nice to see you. Hello. Right on, James Caan!
0:05:46 > 0:05:51You're not THE James Caan, you're the other James Caan. All right, James?
0:05:51 > 0:05:57I'm a big guy, too, it's all right. Everybody in my family's big. My mum, brothers and sisters, we love it.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I've got a cousin who weighs 17-and-a-half stone.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02We call her The Anorexic.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08"Give The Anorexic one and two dumpling and some pig foot,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10"she looking a bit peaky!"
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Jamaican guys love big women.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17I was at a karaoke bar in Kingston, this big woman got up on stage,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21massive woman, skin-tight dress.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26Microphone in one hand, half a chicken in the other. Singing away.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30# I want to know what love i-i-is!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33# I want you to show me-e-e-e! #
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Dozens of yardies pushing each other out the way - "I will show you!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40"Move over there! I will show you!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44"Come here, darling, let me sweep you off your feet. Jesus Christ!"
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Not all Jamaican people are out of shape.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Just look at Usain Bolt, the greatest sprinter in the world.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55CHEERING Yeah, yeah!
0:06:55 > 0:07:00When he broke the Olympic world record, he was so far ahead, he had time to call his mum.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06"Mama, I'm breakin' de world record right now. See it dere? It broke.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14"I have to do me lap of honour now. See it dere? It done."
0:07:15 > 0:07:19"Put on some rice an' peas, I'll be back in 19.3 seconds."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Everybody knows you are what you eat.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28The French eat 500 million snails a year.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Think about it - when did you last see a French sprinter?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35They're all at the back, strolling, smoking a Gauloise.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40"What is the point? Life is meaningless.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44"Sarkozy gets Carla Bruni, I am alone."
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Check out the haircut. This is a number one.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51CHEERING
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Big guy, small hair.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Back in the day, every black guy had a huge afro.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Every one of us, right? Remember the Jackson 5?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02They had one big afro and they were all underneath going -
0:08:05 > 0:08:07HIGH PITCHED VOICE: Move over, Tito.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Black women can't leave their hair alone. Sisters, where are you?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15You can't leave your hair alone. I blame the black beauty magazines.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16I love their names, though.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19They're called things like Ebony Sister.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Nubian Warrior Woman.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Martin Luther Queen.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Barack O-Mama!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I've got one of them young black stylists from the hood.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34He's cool.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36He shaves patterns.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41I hear Usain Bolt's going to have the Puma logo shaved into his head.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Yeah, man.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Soon my head's going to say, "Everything's premier but the price."
0:08:47 > 0:08:50All over there, down here.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I live in the country now.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I'm the only black guy within 100 miles.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Anything to do with blackness, I'm the expert.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I get geezers knocking on my door,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"Lenny, my daughter's going to Senegal for her gap year.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"Do you know anybody she can stay with?"
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Come this way. I'll teach you to play basketball, as well.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20"Can you introduce me to Jay-Z?" I think he's here somewhere.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24All the famous black people live with me.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Ainsley will take your coat.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34APPLAUSE
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I've got a white West Highland terrier.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40He's like a loaf of bread with ears.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Looks a bit like Robert De Niro, as well.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45He's got that downturned mouth.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Hates walking, this dog. You get 100 yards from the house and he stops dead.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"Are you walking with me?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"Are you walking with me?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"Is this a marathon?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Are we doing this for charity?
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"Do I look like Bob freakin' Geldof to you?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08"Pick me up, wipe my ass and call me a cab. We're going home.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11"You freakin' two-legged mook."
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I love Robert De Niro.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16You know why? He's not scared to be ugly.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21I wouldn't say that to his face, for Christ's sake.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Have you noticed you can be an ugly actor
0:10:24 > 0:10:28but it's hard to be an ugly singer, isn't it?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Unless you're a backing singer, in which case nobody's looking at you.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I went to see George Michael. Hey, George, if you're watching this...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I went to see George Michael at Wembley Stadium
0:10:40 > 0:10:42with brilliant backing singers.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45They were these big women, no make-up, leggings,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48gravy down here.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Six kids by seven different men.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I don't know how that works, but it does.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56These women never missed a note.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And they knew no-one was looking at them.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00They were knitting,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03doing the crossword, on the phone to their kids.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06# Do the jitterbug... # Tyrone, bed now.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08# Do the jitterbug... # I mean it, mister.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09# Ooh-ooh! #
0:11:11 > 0:11:13If you want to be a frontman, you've got to have energy.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Look at Dizzee Rascal. He's so excited, isn't he, all the time.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20RAPS: Some people think I'm bonkers but I just think I'm free.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Bonkers.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24He'd be excited if he was in a car crash.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28RAPS: My nose and mouth and arse are full of bits of glass
0:11:28 > 0:11:31My left leg has been mangled, it sticks out at an angle.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Bonkers!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I tell you who else is excited, that baldy bloke from The Prodigy.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I love that guy. He's still got it.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# I'm a fire starter, twisted fire starter. #
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Mind you, he's older now, the new tune's called...
0:11:48 > 0:11:50# I think I've left the gas on. #
0:11:53 > 0:11:55That's from the album...
0:11:55 > 0:11:56# My son's an accountant
0:11:57 > 0:11:59# My daughter lives in New Zealand
0:12:01 > 0:12:04# I'd like a cup of tea now and a lie down.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09# This used to be all fields around here. #
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Duffy's exciting, do you like Duffy?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18# You got me begging you for mercy! #
0:12:18 > 0:12:20She's tiny, Duffy.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24We did a show together and people said, "Do you want to meet Duffy?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I said, "Yeah." They said, "Here she is." I was like, "Awww!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"Hello, Duffy!" I had to speak softly
0:12:31 > 0:12:34so I wouldn't blow her away. She said...
0:12:34 > 0:12:38WELSH ACCENT: "Lenny, I've got a tiny voice, see?
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"But when I hit the microphone, look you, it gets proper huge, isn't it?"
0:12:47 > 0:12:51It's true, man, when she's onstage, she's so tiny she has to stand behind a magnifying glass.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56That's why she can't play Glastonbury, cos if the sun came out, she'd be like, "I'm on fire!
0:12:56 > 0:13:01"I'm burning! I'm like a kebab in stilettos!"
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Festivals aren't really a black people thing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13We see thousands of people living in a field, we go, "Plantation."
0:13:15 > 0:13:18They're so cramped together, all the people.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19The DJ sets are amazing,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22100,000 people with their hands up in the air.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Cos there's no space to get them down.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Praying for a helicopter to fly by with a rope ladder. Thank God!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Fly me to the toilet, now!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34It's amazing when the DJs come on at Glastonbury, at the festivals.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38They're treated like gods. People go nuts. Why?!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42DJs don't make music, they just deliver it!
0:13:42 > 0:13:46If musicians are chefs, DJs are waiters.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48The waiter doesn't get a standing ovation
0:13:48 > 0:13:50when he brings the plates out.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56The waiter doesn't fanny around with your food when it gets to the table.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57He's not there going...
0:13:57 > 0:14:02RAPS: Yeeah! Yeeah!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Put your knives and forks in the air
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And wave them like you just don't care
0:14:06 > 0:14:08This is the restaurant remix, now listen to me
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Table number seven, swap with table three
0:14:11 > 0:14:14You freakin' vegetarians are driving me mental
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I'll stick the chicken tikka on your cabbage and lentils
0:14:16 > 0:14:21Gazpacho, everybody say gazpacho!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Yo, skinny model with your celery stick
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Legging it to the ladies to make yourself sick
0:14:26 > 0:14:29You've got to get some flesh on them tiny little hips
0:14:29 > 0:14:31So here's my solution, burger, egg and chips
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Everybody say gazpacho!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34It's cold soup
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Gazpacho!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Raise your champagne glass to your lip
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And then give me an oversized tip.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Dancehall style!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45RAPS: Don't follow me!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Don't follow me!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50You wanted the monkfish, you're having the lamb
0:14:50 > 0:14:53You wanted the rabbit, you're getting the lamb
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Pepper on your ice cream, salt on your jelly
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Yo, Rabbi Cohen, have the pork belly!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:05Thank you.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I love music. It's my big thing, music.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15I can't do without it. I buy a lot of music online.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18This is what I love about buying music online.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22"If you like Beyonce, you might like Pink."
0:15:23 > 0:15:26How cool is that?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30They should do that everywhere with everything.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33You go down the pub, have ten pints of lager, the barmaid says,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37"If you like ten pints of lager, you might like a kebab."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Go to the kebab place, the bloke's there going,
0:15:43 > 0:15:48"If you like ten pints of lager and a kebab, you might like a fight."
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Go outside, beat the crap out of some innocent bystander, a copper comes up and says,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"If you like beating the crap out of innocent bystanders,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"you might like to join the police."
0:15:59 > 0:16:03You've been lovely, thank you very much. Yeah, yeah!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:16:15 > 0:16:17WHISTLES AND CHEERS
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I'm sweating like Christopher Biggins at a free buffet.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34My first guest tonight is a very funny man.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Will you please put your hands together for Mr Mike Wilmot! Come on!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57No-one told me there'd be smoke. That scared the shit out of me.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00What a fancy place, man.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02It is truly great to be here.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I know a lot of comedians start their show with,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07"It's great to be here, it's nice to be here."
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Many of them are lying.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12But it is really good to be here.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14My wife, girl-friendy person...
0:17:16 > 0:17:19..she just turned 50 and she's pre-menopausal.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23So, it's very, very nice to be here.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Thousands of miles away.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34I have never done this so much in my life within the last year.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Every time I hear a door open now it's...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41She hit me recently in the back of the head with car keys
0:17:41 > 0:17:43from a distance.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I had it coming, I called her a whore, but y'know...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49..in a funny way.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52You know, like, "Oh, ya whore!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Turns out there's really no funny way.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00It's odd to be hit in the back of the head with car keys
0:18:00 > 0:18:03because you can hear them jingle on the way over.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09It's almost magical, really. # Jingling, jingle-ling-ingle. #
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Santa?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13BOOF! LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Laying on your ass with a key in your eye.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's also good to be here because I enjoy drinking.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Er, that's how I got this lovely voice.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28But I do enjoy drinking and it's beautiful here for that.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32You know, like in LA, I'm an alcoholic. In Canada, I'm a drinker.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Here, fine. I'm absolutely fine!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I have nothing to worry about. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Everything's wonderful. In fact, I could be fit.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50And in Ireland, I'm a pussy. So it depends, really,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53on where you go.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Years ago, the first time I got really smashed was in Dublin.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo! - Bless, one person.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05And I got smashed.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I'd never been that smashed, I fell off the back of a bar stool.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I've never done that before.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13It wasn't because I was, you know, this kind of drunk.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It's just for a brief moment,
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I thought there was a back on the bar stool.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24I was, like, winding up a story,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28some bullshit story that I thought was clever.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30"And then, we all decided to..."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33And just completely disappeared from view.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38But God bless the Irish, they don't make fun of you,
0:19:38 > 0:19:43they just pick you up, dust you off and put you back on that bar stool.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Then they all line up and tell you the story about when they fell off the bar stool.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51And fiddles come out of nowhere
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and they sing a song about what just happened.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I don't like organised drinking.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I'm not big on stag parties or any of that bullshit.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09At my age, most of my friends are getting re-married.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12The stags are a bit calmer when you're getting re-married.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16We just got smashed and watched Iron Man 2.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Dumbest movie I've ever seen. If you think it's good, shoot yourself.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24There's really no point.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I got smashed and mad at a movie. That's never a good sign.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Walking home drunk with a suit.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Nothing sadder than drunk men in suits.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Way too many pockets.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I'm walking, getting closer to my house.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44I was wearing a necktie. The wind grabbed the front part,
0:20:44 > 0:20:49the fat part of my tie, and threw it over my shoulder,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52leaving me with that little tie.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54LAUGHTER
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I was so drunk I looked down and thought,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"Oh, my God, I'm huge!"
0:20:58 > 0:21:00LAUGHTER
0:21:04 > 0:21:06SLURRED: "How will I fit in my little house?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"I'm going to have to live outside, now."
0:21:11 > 0:21:15There's really, truly, nothing sadder than a man
0:21:15 > 0:21:19coming home drunk, and there's the old lady in the house,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23and when I say old lady, women, don't get all pissy. I'm an old man.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Please don't form a giant woman and come up here and attack me.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I've always had that fear of women -
0:21:29 > 0:21:33if you piss off more than five, they morph into a big one and come at you.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Men all over the world, we stand outside of our homes, drunk,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43auditioning to get in.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:48There's nothing sadder than standing outside of your house at three in the morning
0:21:48 > 0:21:50practising the word "hello".
0:21:50 > 0:21:52LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:58'Allo!
0:21:58 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:03'Ello! Howdy!
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Don't say howdy, you stupid bastard! Only drunk people say howdy!
0:22:07 > 0:22:12Might as well jump through a window and kick her in the crotch if you're going to say howdy!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I've been coming out here for years now, so now when I get drunk,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I just get this bullshit Englishy sounding accent.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25To me, it sounds more theatrical than pissed.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: Hello. Hello, my love, I'm home. Hello.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:35It's like Richard Burton coming home.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37AS RICHARD BURTON: Martha, come running at me,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41your melons bobbling, your kimono flying.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Then I do her voice.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Na-na-na-na-nah!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That's how men impersonate women, by the way.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54All women. Mums, sisters, girlfriends, wives, doesn't matter.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Na-na-na-na-nah!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Which is fair because when women impersonate men,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06they always use that idiot voice.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Then he said, "Oogh, oogh, blah, blah!"
0:23:10 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:17You're not different! You're the same! You're the same!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19All of you vagina people!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Or "women", as you prefer to be called.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Evee-ink-ink-ee!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: No. Ha, ha, ha!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:36POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: Your beauty alone intoxicates me.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38LAUGHTER
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Then I sleep in a bush!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:46I've been with her now... 24 years now.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49And I'll tell you one thing, man - it's not love.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Love is fleeting. But spite?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00That stays!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03LAUGHTER
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I'm not leaving her. That would make her happy!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I'm in it for the long haul, man.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:1724 years with the same woman and I'll be honest with you,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21I wake up every morning of my life and I walk down the stairs,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24and I think, you know, "I'm going to kill her today."
0:24:24 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:33"I'm going to sneak up behind her and hit her in the head with a shovel. She won't see it coming."
0:24:36 > 0:24:39And I know she's, er, walking down the stairs behind me.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Every day... "I'm going to push him."
0:24:42 > 0:24:46"I'm going to push this fat bastard down the stairs.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50"He never picks up his shit. I'm going to put a screwdriver in his eye.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"I'm going to let him rot." Then we circle each other...
0:24:53 > 0:24:54in the kitchen,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57spitting fire and hate.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01And then we have tea and toast, and everything's better.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07And that's why breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Man!
0:25:15 > 0:25:1924 years... 24 years.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21I love her tits, though, just...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:25That's the wonderful thing about tits...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27for me...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30..is the first time I squeezed one...
0:25:30 > 0:25:31y-yay.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:36And the last time I squeezed it... y-yay.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38They never get less fun,
0:25:38 > 0:25:39titties.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44And I suck 'em. I'm a big, tit-sucking man.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I suck her tits so much,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52that I know I'm not the boss in the relationship.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"You can't look at a woman while you're..."
0:25:57 > 0:26:01"I run everything, this is all mine, mwah-mwah-mwah..."
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"You're a monkey!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"You're not a human, you're a nipple-sucking monkey man!"
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Are you like me, when you suck...
0:26:11 > 0:26:15When you suck one tit, do you look at the other, like...?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20"Stay right there, lefty."
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"I'm just practising on this one."
0:26:28 > 0:26:32I don't know how women can look at men suck their tit
0:26:32 > 0:26:34without just laughing at him.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I really don't!
0:26:36 > 0:26:40I don't know how women can look down at their man...
0:26:40 > 0:26:44sucking a tit with his eyes rolled back like a feeding shark...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:50..and have any thought in their head other than, "How can you keep a job?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"I can't figure you out.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"How do you bring money home?"
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Squeezing one, that's the fun part. I love squeezing tits too.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10If you're like me, if you're out there, and you're lucky enough
0:27:10 > 0:27:15to be with a woman that lets you grab her titty, willy-nilly,
0:27:15 > 0:27:1624/7,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19without doing this shit...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24..then you, my friend, are living in paradise.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Screw the recession, screw government,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31screw the war - just suck her tits till things are better.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32LAUGHTER
0:27:32 > 0:27:34That's what they're there for.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I love the morning tit, that's my favourite tit.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44We wake up at different times -
0:27:44 > 0:27:47she gets up before me and then starts rummaging through the fridge.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51I can hear food being moved, so I wake up.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I come down the stairs
0:27:53 > 0:27:54and she's bent over...
0:27:54 > 0:27:59and her head's in the fridge, and the light from the fridge door is going through her nightie,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02and I see them just do this...
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:05 > 0:28:07My God...
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Men are looking at this right now and thinking,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12"Yeah, that's...yeah".
0:28:14 > 0:28:16There's something about that kinetic weirdness.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20Men have toys on their desks that basically do the same thing.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24There she is, I sneak up behind her...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26grab a dangler,
0:28:26 > 0:28:27you know what I mean?
0:28:27 > 0:28:31The nipple's hard cos the fridge door's open so you don't even have to work for it.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:38You've been wonderful. Thank you very, very much.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Mike Wilmot!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54From Canada.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59OK, we have one more act for you tonight.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Please give a huge welcome to the very funny,
0:29:02 > 0:29:06the very excellent, Mr Tommy Tiernan!
0:29:06 > 0:29:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:15 > 0:29:16Hello. Hello, hello. How are you?
0:29:18 > 0:29:19Thank you very much.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Thank you very much for that. I've come a long way
0:29:22 > 0:29:24to be with you here this evening.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26SCATTERED CHEERING
0:29:26 > 0:29:28- Yeah. - WHISTLING
0:29:28 > 0:29:33From over there. I've come all the way from the west coast of Ireland.
0:29:33 > 0:29:34CHEERING
0:29:34 > 0:29:37I've left my wife,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40my family and my kids behind me...
0:29:42 > 0:29:45..to come here...
0:29:45 > 0:29:47to make you...
0:29:47 > 0:29:48laugh.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50LAUGHTER
0:29:50 > 0:29:52There's a...
0:29:52 > 0:29:56an empty chair...beside the fire tonight.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00I hope.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09Unless Other Daddy calls round again. Er...
0:30:10 > 0:30:13I'm not a very ambitious person.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Er... I don't like ambition, I don't like what it does to people.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20My ambition in life is to have no ambition.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24It's probably a bit ambitious, er...
0:30:24 > 0:30:28My hope for when I'm finished talking to you this evening
0:30:28 > 0:30:30in the short time we have together,
0:30:30 > 0:30:32My hope is that when I'm done,
0:30:32 > 0:30:36both of us will know less than we did when I started talking.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41I come from Ireland and I'm very, very proud to be Irish!
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Half my life I spent travelling around rural Ireland
0:30:44 > 0:30:47and it's... Ireland is an amazing country.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50We're going through a recession now but we're not bothered by it.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52We're used to recession.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55I myself spent five years on the dole.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57FIVE YEARS!
0:30:57 > 0:31:00It was the best eight years of my life!
0:31:00 > 0:31:02- LAUGHTER - I did nothing!
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Absolutely nothing!
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Any time I had to do something, I got stressed.
0:31:10 > 0:31:13The bins had to be left out once a week, and if it was my turn,
0:31:13 > 0:31:15"Argh...
0:31:15 > 0:31:17"You can't be springing that shit on me, man!
0:31:20 > 0:31:23I spent an entire summer teaching a cat how to play Snap.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27I had a white cat called Shaun.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30He was called Shaun was claiming disability for him.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Bringing him down to the dole office every Wednesday, saying to the lady,
0:31:36 > 0:31:40"Go on, tell him, tell him to his face you don't think he's a real boy.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Irish people were used to hard times -
0:31:45 > 0:31:50going all the way back to the great potato recession of the 1840s,
0:31:50 > 0:31:53when two million Irish people died.
0:31:53 > 0:31:54Two million!
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Because of no potatoes!
0:31:57 > 0:32:00The thickest, stubbornest people on the planet!
0:32:01 > 0:32:05Dying there in the ditches beside fields full of cabbages and sweetcorn.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Cos we were there,
0:32:09 > 0:32:11"No. No,
0:32:11 > 0:32:13"I'd rather die in a ditch."
0:32:14 > 0:32:16I don't like cabbage.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18I don't like the smell of it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23"It's like the inside of a psychiatric hospital.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Do not talk to me about sweetcorn!
0:32:26 > 0:32:30All sweetcorn does is hit your lip from your mouth to your arse
0:32:30 > 0:32:32before it heads off for the next person.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39I travel around rural Ireland and you go to hotels and stuff.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42I was in a fancy hotel in a place called Waterford recently.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46I went downstairs to the restaurant in the morning and asked the waitress,
0:32:46 > 0:32:48"Can I have the vegetarian breakfast?"
0:32:48 > 0:32:50She goes, "What - corn flakes?"
0:32:53 > 0:32:56The rest of the time, I spend travelling around the world.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58To be honest with you, it's a fierce disappointment.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02I go to all these cities all over, like Melbourne, Montreal,
0:33:02 > 0:33:06Toronto and Sydney and New York.
0:33:06 > 0:33:07It's the same shit everywhere.
0:33:07 > 0:33:12White people shopping - that's all it is!
0:33:12 > 0:33:14I want to go where there's no white people.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19I don't care what colour they are. I don't even want them to have legs.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Sit in the muck, throwing chickens at each other.
0:33:25 > 0:33:26I've been to Australia.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30D'you know, white people have been in charge of Australia for 400 years.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Before that, the Aboriginal people were in charge...
0:33:33 > 0:33:35for 50,000 years.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Now, they didn't do much with the place.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44They just covered each other in finger paint...
0:33:45 > 0:33:47..and stood around pointing.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50IMITATES DRONE OF DIDGERIDOO
0:33:53 > 0:33:54Woof, woof!
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"Oh, God! There's a Jack Russell in my didgeridoo."
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Lots of people are going to Australia now, because they think it's a safe place to live.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Maybe they're right, you know. Australia will never be invaded.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Never. Why not? Jet lag.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16You'd have the opposing army on the beach.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18"CHARGE!"
0:34:18 > 0:34:20HE PANTS HEAVILY
0:34:20 > 0:34:22"Oh, for God's sake!
0:34:23 > 0:34:25"What time is it where we come from?
0:34:27 > 0:34:30"Two o'clock in the morning? I'm starving.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33"I haven't had a shit in a week."
0:34:33 > 0:34:36"How big is this beach, for God's sake?"
0:34:38 > 0:34:40So, lots of people are going to Australia.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44Off the coast of Australia right now, in boats,
0:34:44 > 0:34:46hoping to get in,
0:34:46 > 0:34:49are people from Sri Lanka, and people from Afghanistan.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51And I'm going to tell you something.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53I'm going to tell you something,
0:34:53 > 0:34:57educated, clever England.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59I'm going to tell you something to your face,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02and I don't care what you think of me when you find out.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05I know nothing.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07Nothing...
0:35:07 > 0:35:09about Sri Lanka.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13I don't even know where it is.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18If you took me in a helicopter - a big helicopter -
0:35:18 > 0:35:21and you dropped me from a reasonable height -
0:35:21 > 0:35:24about two snooker tables -
0:35:24 > 0:35:28onto Sri Lanka, I wouldn't know which way to be walking.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32I know nothing - nothing -
0:35:32 > 0:35:34about the people of Sri Lanka.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38If you gave me a Sri Lankan baby...
0:35:40 > 0:35:41If you said, "Tommy Tiernan.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"Tommy Tiernan, there's a Sri Lankan baby,
0:35:44 > 0:35:48"Bring him up in the ways of his own people,"
0:35:52 > 0:35:55I wouldn't know what to be doing with the child.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59Making the plastic bits that go on top of laces or something. I don't know.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03So I can't be saying if they should be let into Australia or not.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06But the people of Afghanistan, I think they should.
0:36:06 > 0:36:11Why? Because they've gone all the way from Afghanistan
0:36:11 > 0:36:13to Australia by boat.
0:36:13 > 0:36:18From Afghanistan. It doesn't even have a coastline.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23Can you imagine how difficult that must have been?
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Escaping that Taliban hellhole
0:36:26 > 0:36:28with a boat on your back.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34The wife and kids complaining.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37"Shut up. Shut up. Does it look like we're there yet? Does it?"
0:36:41 > 0:36:44I've no time for facts,
0:36:44 > 0:36:49or rationality. If all you want to do in your life is give out facts,
0:36:49 > 0:36:53you might as well be a signpost by the side of the road.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57In school, I used to hate mathematics. I hated it.
0:36:57 > 0:37:02You'd be there in school and the teacher at the top of the room with the big "king of numbers"...
0:37:02 > 0:37:04And he's there. "Tiernan,
0:37:04 > 0:37:09"what is the cosine logarithm of X-Y,"
0:37:09 > 0:37:12with the really small 25 written up in the corner,
0:37:12 > 0:37:16"brackets - smiley face, Nazi symbol,
0:37:16 > 0:37:21"Nike symbol, close brackets, forward slash, bbc.co.uk?"
0:37:21 > 0:37:26If a woman in a train travelling at 27 miles an hour
0:37:26 > 0:37:31passes a man holding five apples in one hand and a banana in the other,
0:37:31 > 0:37:33"what time is it?"
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I've no time for that at all.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42The happiest fella that I knew in my life was also the thickest.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I went to a religious boarding school,
0:37:45 > 0:37:47and his name was Richie and he was from Dublin.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50And he was so stupid, he was a pleasure to be with.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Your thought processes just slowed down in his company. He was like,
0:37:55 > 0:37:57"All right, Tommy, no problem.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01"No problem, Tommy, all reet.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04"All reet. All right, Tommy, no problem."
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Heroin would have sharpened him up.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Once a term, we used to have these...
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Because the dormitories we were in were so old,
0:38:14 > 0:38:17we had to have these fire drills - they were old and wooden.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19So once a term, about three o'clock in the morning,
0:38:19 > 0:38:21the fire alarm would go off
0:38:21 > 0:38:26and the priests would chase us out of the building in our underpants.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Jesus!
0:38:29 > 0:38:32The naivety of it now, when I think about it...
0:38:32 > 0:38:36And there was always a few priests trying to chase you into the woods for safety.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38"Go on, into the woods. Into the woods for safety."
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Anyway...
0:38:43 > 0:38:45So one morning, the fire drill goes off
0:38:45 > 0:38:48and everybody's up in their knickers and we run out of the school,
0:38:48 > 0:38:52across the yard into the study hall - except for Richie,
0:38:52 > 0:38:54who thinks it's the morning bell.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57So he goes downstairs, has a shower and gets dressed.
0:38:57 > 0:39:02The priest is counting us up in the study hall and there's one fella missing.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06This is not good. In a real emergency, this is a disaster.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09So Richie is hauled up in front of this midnight court,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12and he's never seen a scene like it in his life -
0:39:12 > 0:39:15all his friends there, naked under fluorescent lights.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19And the priest is there. "Where were you?
0:39:20 > 0:39:24"Richie, where were you?"
0:39:24 > 0:39:26And before Richie has time to answer, the priest goes,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29"I'll tell you where you were, will I? I'll tell you.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32"You were burning to death in the school fire."
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Richie's looking round - "hat, what?!"
0:39:37 > 0:39:39"That's right - you're dead!
0:39:39 > 0:39:41"You're dead now.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44"Am I supposed to phone your mother
0:39:44 > 0:39:47"and tell her you've died in the school fire?"
0:39:47 > 0:39:51It all gets to him. He goes, "No-o-o-o!
0:39:52 > 0:39:54"I'LL tell her!
0:39:56 > 0:39:59"It's better coming from me.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02"She thinks you're a prick anyway!"
0:40:07 > 0:40:09I turned 40 recently.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11A few things you realise when you turn 40,
0:40:11 > 0:40:15one of them is that 17-year-old girls no longer want to have sex with you.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19They might have to, but they don't want to.
0:40:21 > 0:40:26I couldn't be having sex with a 17-year-old, anyway - they're too excitable.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Two 17-year-old girls haven't seen each other for a few days, it's like...
0:40:29 > 0:40:31- HE SCREECHES - .."Oh, my God!
0:40:31 > 0:40:34"Oh, my God, I haven't seen you for so looooooong!"
0:40:34 > 0:40:37LAUGHTER
0:40:38 > 0:40:40I couldn't be having sex with that.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44I wouldn't have the hand-eye coordination.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46LAUGHTER
0:40:46 > 0:40:49I'd put my back out. It'd be like trying to have sex with a salmon - "Where are ya?!"
0:40:55 > 0:40:58I got married recently.
0:40:58 > 0:40:59Yeah, I don't know...
0:40:59 > 0:41:01I don't know if the lights are...
0:41:03 > 0:41:06..picking up...
0:41:06 > 0:41:07SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:41:07 > 0:41:09..my ring.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12This ring...
0:41:12 > 0:41:14protects me...
0:41:15 > 0:41:18..from crazy ladies.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21- WHISPERING:- Stay away!
0:41:23 > 0:41:24We got...
0:41:24 > 0:41:26marriage advice...
0:41:27 > 0:41:28..from a priest.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36What was that about?
0:41:36 > 0:41:39You wouldn't take driving lessons off a blind fellow, would you?
0:41:43 > 0:41:46"OK, just keep going till you hit the bumpy stuff, ha, ha, ha!
0:41:48 > 0:41:50"Oh, there you are, sorry, I can't see a thing!"
0:41:55 > 0:41:57I stood up...
0:41:57 > 0:41:58in front of all my friends...
0:42:01 > 0:42:03..to love...
0:42:03 > 0:42:04honour...
0:42:04 > 0:42:06and obey...
0:42:08 > 0:42:09..in sickness...
0:42:09 > 0:42:11and in health.
0:42:13 > 0:42:14For better...
0:42:15 > 0:42:16..for worse...
0:42:17 > 0:42:18for richer,
0:42:18 > 0:42:20for poorer...
0:42:21 > 0:42:23..till...
0:42:24 > 0:42:26..death...
0:42:26 > 0:42:29do...us...part...
0:42:32 > 0:42:34LAUGHTER
0:42:41 > 0:42:43I'll give it a go!
0:42:43 > 0:42:48It's a pleasure talking to you, Apollo. Thank you very much and good night.
0:42:48 > 0:42:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Cheers, Lenny. Thank you.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Let's hear it for Tommy Tiernan...
0:42:59 > 0:43:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:02 > 0:43:04..and Mike Wilmot...
0:43:04 > 0:43:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11You've been a brilliant audience. Good night. Peace!
0:43:30 > 0:43:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:33 > 0:43:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk