0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Oh, yeah! #
0:00:17 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight -
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Micky Flanagan!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Ah! Good evening, 'Ammersmith! What's 'appening?
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Welcome to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Ah...
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Thank you for coming out, people.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Coming out to central London. Always a pain.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02You get on the Tube.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Looking at people with flip-flops on. LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:11I'm a Londoner myself. I get out of town quite a lot.
0:01:11 > 0:01:18People are happy everywhere else. Don't know if you've noticed. "How you doing?" they say.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23"All right?" I say, "Just put the pasty in the bag, love." LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:27"We're all busy people."
0:01:27 > 0:01:33So we've got Arg here. How you doin', Arg? What's happening, man?
0:01:33 > 0:01:39I'll tell you what I did the other day as a bit of respect to the vajazzle.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44I put a bit of Pritt Stick all over my bollocks...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46dipped them in a bowl of glitter.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Ah!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53My wife was like, "Whoo!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56"Get that out, man. Get that out."
0:01:57 > 0:01:58So...
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I used to chase women quite a lot. Things were different back then.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06You had to go out on the hunt as a man in the '70s.
0:02:06 > 0:02:12You had to put a nice splash of Paco Rabanne on. You'd stand with your mates. There was no Facebook.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16None of this nonsense. You went in cold!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20You went in cold.
0:02:20 > 0:02:26With your mates, Friday night, you've had a couple of pints of lager, shirt ironed, jeans pressed.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34You say to your mates, "I'm going to go and get them birds over. When I bring 'em back, don't mess it up."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37You walk over to them.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Evening, ladies.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47I know it must have hurt when you fell from heaven. GROANS
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Maybe my friends and I could ease the pain by buying you a few drinks.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57No? Fair enough. LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:05Come on, we're going. We've only come in here on lesbian night, haven't we?
0:03:10 > 0:03:14It's very nice that women don't have to worry about this nonsense now.
0:03:14 > 0:03:20If they fancy you in a nightclub, you're chatting to her, she says, "Shut up. Shut up!
0:03:20 > 0:03:25"I'm going to sleep with you, brother. Calm down."
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Takes you home and uses you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32And you wake up in the morning a bit dishevelled.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37The cat's looking at you. The judgmental cat on the pine dresser.
0:03:42 > 0:03:49But the worst thing that's happened, in all the commotion you've forgotten her name.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55Now, I'm old-fashioned. I think if you've trumped on someone's fanny, you should remember their name.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It's a bit of a rule of mine.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02So...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Go downstairs, go through the post.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Thinking!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I'm a thinker!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Crafty, crafty Cockney!
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I'll just have a look here...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Oh, I can't call her The Occupier.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That would be a bit much.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35But I'm not so old-fashioned. If you've slept with someone very quickly,
0:04:35 > 0:04:40there may be something beyond lust. So you go on a date on a Wednesday after work.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Don't want to mess your weekend up. LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:49You go Express - Pizza Express. It's too soon for the Hut.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER Hut comes later.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58It's got to be Express, early days. Marblene table, flower.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER It's all going on.
0:05:01 > 0:05:08Now she's thinking, "This geezer's all right. Bit of a stunner, not bad in the bedroom."
0:05:08 > 0:05:14Then you start proving you've got half a brain. She thinks, "He's a potential boyfriend!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Oooh! Potential boyfriend."
0:05:19 > 0:05:24Suddenly, you're getting this speech halfway through the Four Seasons.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30"Listen, can I assure you, it's not my usual practice
0:05:30 > 0:05:36"to sleep with men as quickly as I happen to have slept with you?"
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And I'm like, "Relax, Home Owner.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44"Relax.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56"We've got off to a bit of a shaky start. Let's have a bruschetta!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:00So...
0:06:00 > 0:06:05I'm settled down now. Met a very nice girl ten years ago.
0:06:06 > 0:06:12And, um...we were making love about...five years ago...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14We've done it since.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17She said, "I want a baby!"
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I said, "Well, come off the pill, I'll start leaving it in."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23And so, um...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30A bit boring, but necessary.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33So...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I started leaving it in.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38The child arrived.
0:06:38 > 0:06:45And to do the right thing, we went and bought an overpriced house to store him in for 16 years,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47to give him half a chance.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53And we know it's a nice area. And you know why? Because people tend to say hello.
0:06:53 > 0:07:00They're trying to create a bit of a village-y feel. Like a village. "Hello!" they say.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"Hello!" They come out the bushes. "Hello!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I'm not big on the hello.
0:07:12 > 0:07:18I've looked into the whole issue. I'll tell you. Your neighbours either side, if you bump into them,
0:07:18 > 0:07:20you have to say hello.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22If you come out late at night -
0:07:22 > 0:07:26you're doing your recycling late, cos you shouldn't have that many bottles...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30You go out late, crafty, don't ya?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35And they come out - "Ooh... Did you have a party?"
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"No, we're functioning alcoholics. Now, piss off."
0:07:43 > 0:07:49A few doors either side of these people, these are optional. Optional.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54They're neighbourly. Neighbourly. "Yes, hello!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Beyond that, bollocks to them. LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:00It goes for two or three doors.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Then you have an odd mark in your street, wants to say hello to everyone for no apparent reason.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10We've got one. He's an old boy. He's got a rather sporty car.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13And he shows out. "Hello! Hello..."
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I've blanked him for about three years.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21But the other day I'd had a couple of pints of Stella "Artorise".
0:08:21 > 0:08:24It's a continental lager.
0:08:24 > 0:08:30And contrary to popular belief, it made me quite benevolent. I got quite friendly.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36I cracked. I went past, I said hello and we had a chat about his motor.
0:08:36 > 0:08:42Now we're mates. Now I've got to say hello to him for the rest of my life.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44And this is what it can lead to.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Went to drop the little boy off at his school. His Montessori school.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Where he learns through play.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54For £50 a day. LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Very giving people there, they are.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02And I saw him. "Morning," we said. "Morning! Morning!"
0:09:02 > 0:09:06The big "good morning". Went indoors, had to get a pint of milk.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12He's coming down the road again. The second meet's a bit awkward. You've done your big "good morning".
0:09:12 > 0:09:17So we did what you do - the big eyebrow raise.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21"Fancy bumping into you again. What a crazy world we live in."
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Went indoors.
0:09:23 > 0:09:30Ink cartridge has run out. I need another one. I'm going to the stationer's. He's coming again!
0:09:30 > 0:09:36The third meet is one of the toughest social situations known to mankind.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39But he knew the rules, as did I.
0:09:39 > 0:09:45We strapped in. As we passed each other, I said, "You're not following me, are you?"
0:09:45 > 0:09:49He said, "We have to stop meeting like this!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:55That's your standard cover for your third meet. Internationally known and respected.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59But there's no cover for four. It's never been found.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05I'm now trapped in the house for 24 hours before we're back on "hello".
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Fair enough. Don't want to go out anyway.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14My wife, though, she said, "Pick my dress up from the cleaner's." I said, "No."
0:10:14 > 0:10:19"What do you mean, no?!" I said, "You know the old boy with the sporty car? We say hello now.
0:10:19 > 0:10:26"I've seen him three times already today. As you know, there's no cover for four."
0:10:28 > 0:10:34She said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Go and get the dress, you arsehole!"
0:10:35 > 0:10:40So I'm in a dodgy situation. I'll tell you what it led me to do, people.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45For the first time in my adult life I've reached the position
0:10:45 > 0:10:49where I'm peeping out of my own curtains.
0:10:51 > 0:10:58My aim being to see the old man leave his home and I shall run to the cleaner's and get back.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03And I'm peeping. I made a discovery.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Peeping is fun. LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:15Because you're in a powerful position as a peeper. You're looking at people. They don't know.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21However, the real fun starts when you're caught peeping.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER Cos a power struggle ensues between you, the peeper,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29and what we'll now call the peepee.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:37Cos the peepee seizes power. They say, "A-ha! I've caught a geezer peeping!"
0:11:40 > 0:11:45At that point, you are duty bound to do one of two things.
0:11:45 > 0:11:51You come out of the peep and start messing about with the window, thus throwing it into some doubt.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56Your second option, and the far more common, is the good old-fashioned hide.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00APPLAUSE
0:12:03 > 0:12:06So I'm pushing on. I'm loving the peeping.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11I made a discovery. I discovered the most fun you can have.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16You're peeping. Fair enough. It's your right.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20You're caught peeping. The peepee seizes power!
0:12:20 > 0:12:25They go, "A-ha! I've caught a geezer peeping."
0:12:25 > 0:12:29At that point they expect you to come out or hide.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33For maximum fun at that point,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37you maintain the peep. LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:41APPLAUSE
0:12:43 > 0:12:46This takes it to a whole new level.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51It's not for everyone.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00So, holiday time's over. Not a big fan of holidays. Never have been.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You go on holiday - what are people doing? They're walking about...
0:13:06 > 0:13:11Having something to eat. "Shall we have something to eat?"
0:13:12 > 0:13:14The only place I'll go is Spain.
0:13:16 > 0:13:22We conquered Spain in the '70s, didn't we? We turned up, we said, "We like it here. It's all right.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25"It's all right.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28"But you're going to have to make a few changes.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"Cos there's no bingo in the evening...
0:13:34 > 0:13:38"..the set breakfasts are a bit ropey...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41"and I couldn't get a roast on Sunday. Now, sort it out!"
0:13:42 > 0:13:45"We don't mind a Spanish night, but just the one, midweek.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"Get it out the way."
0:13:48 > 0:13:53But there was a fear of going to Spain, a monumental fear. I'll tell you what it was.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55The shits.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59The fear of the shits was monumental.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You'd say to people, "We're going Benidorm this year."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04They'd go, "Oooh...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"You'll get the shits."
0:14:07 > 0:14:10You'd go, "Yeah, but you can rely on the weather."
0:14:10 > 0:14:12You'd go to Spain - you'd get the shits.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19But largely over the last 25, 30 years it's disappeared, hasn't it?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23You go to Spain, it's all right. You come back, no mention of the shits.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26You've got to go more long haul now to get the shits.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31You've got to go more international.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36About a year and a half ago I was invited to India,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39to a little town called Mumbai...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Bombay for the older people.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43They do a lovely mix.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49And anyway, when I've turned up, they've pulled me to one side
0:14:49 > 0:14:53and said, "Be careful here, Mick - we've got a thing called Delhi belly,
0:14:53 > 0:14:54"it's a bit tasty.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"You get it, you're going to know all about it, mate."
0:14:58 > 0:15:02They said, "Don't have ice in your drinks, don't be eating the salads."
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I said, "You're all right, I've been going to Spain for about 30 years.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"I'm covered for all eventualities!"
0:15:10 > 0:15:13So I'm having ice in my drinks, I'm having the salad,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'm washing in the river...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I embrace local culture!
0:15:25 > 0:15:30Day three. About 10:30, after one of the shows. I looked at my mate Paul -
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I said, "Paul, I don't feel right, mate.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38"Something ain't right. I'm a regular man, I go in the morning.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41"I feel like I need to go now."
0:15:41 > 0:15:43He said, "Well, go then, go!"
0:15:47 > 0:15:49So I went to the toilet.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53And with the gentlest of pushes...
0:15:54 > 0:15:55..the world fell out of my arse.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06It's terrifying. You don't know where it's coming from. You start panicking.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08You think you're going to empty.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I thought, "I'm going to end up a costume of a man."
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I went out to my mate Paul, I said, "I'm bang in trouble, mate."
0:16:20 > 0:16:24He said, "What's up?" I said "All this dirty water's coming out of me."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26He said, "How bad is it?" I said, "Put it this way.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"Have you ever emptied an old radiator?"
0:16:32 > 0:16:34He said, "Shut up, come and have a drink."
0:16:34 > 0:16:39I said, "I can't, mate, I've got about ten seconds between when I THINK I'm going to shit myself...
0:16:39 > 0:16:43"and when I will." I said, "This ain't no disco, man.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"This ain't no party. This ain't no fooling around.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"No time for lovey." Anyway...
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Couple of days later I got revenge. He phoned me up from his sick bed, room to room,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58at 10:30 in the morning.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59He said, "Mick...I got it."
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I said, "A-ha! How bad is it?"
0:17:05 > 0:17:08He said, "Put it this way.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11"I've just farted...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"..and some of it's sprayed on me pillow!"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23That's proper!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Enjoy your snacks on the way home.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34So... we have to bring on our first guest of the evening. He's superb.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Please welcome to this stage, Mr Seann Walsh!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50CHEERING
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Hello, Apollo!
0:17:57 > 0:18:02It's good to be here. Nice to be in London. Well done for coming out.
0:18:02 > 0:18:08Travelling through London. Very stressful, very tense. Well done. I couldn't live here.
0:18:08 > 0:18:14I tried to move here towards the end of last year and I lasted about five minutes,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18which in most towns isn't a long amount of time.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23But my God, your faces when it says "five minutes" for the Tube.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:35It's like it says that your flight to Barbados has been cancelled forever.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:46It's so stressful living here. You are the best at rushing. Do you know how good you are?!
0:18:46 > 0:18:51You see a gap that big and think, "I'm getting through that gap!"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54You jump to emphasise! It's amazing!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01It's incredible!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03It's so hectic here!
0:19:03 > 0:19:10And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's very tiring. One day in London - knackered!
0:19:10 > 0:19:16You can tell that people are knackered because they can fall asleep on the Tube standing up!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Then the bloke wakes up when the Tube stops.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:35What?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39That's the wrong order, isn't it?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You see it every time, a bloke just standing...
0:19:42 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Yeah, that's me, thank you.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10What?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14What's going on?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:21That's the wrong order.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25That's like when your dad wakes up when you turn OFF the television.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28"I was watching that." "No, you weren't!"
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I love watching television.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I hate losing the remote control.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Even if I'm not the one looking for it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Because the house just goes crazy.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Why does no-one believe you when you say you are not sitting on the remote control?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:51"I am not sitting on it!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54"Leave me alone!" "Come on, just get up."
0:20:54 > 0:20:58"I'm not! I told you! I would be able to feel it! Leave me alone!"
0:20:58 > 0:21:03"Just get up." "I'm not getting up. I'm comfortable. Leave me alone!"
0:21:03 > 0:21:07"Just get up." "Please go away." "Just get up." "Oh, for God's...
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"Sorry, there you go. Sorry. Sorry.
0:21:10 > 0:21:16"I'm sorry. My arse can't feel it." For some reason, your arse can't feel a remote control.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"I'm very sorry. I'm sorry."
0:21:18 > 0:21:23But a lot of people are cutting down on watching television.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28You don't lose the remote control. People watch programmes on the laptop.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I got the laptop. This has made me so lazy.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34This is ruining my life.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I don't even turn mine off any more. Do you?
0:21:37 > 0:21:44I just close it. I can't be bothered with all that "shut down - are you sure?" Questions, questions!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Leave me alone!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Mine's been on for years!
0:21:50 > 0:21:54The poor thing's there just going, "I'm boiling!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Please turn me off!
0:21:58 > 0:22:03"Even the oven gets a break! Come on!"
0:22:03 > 0:22:05APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:16I got the laptop because I thought, "This will be brilliant. I'll have a computer on the move.
0:22:16 > 0:22:22"I'll have a computer on the go. I'll be able to use the computer in the cafe, on the train like that.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23"It'll be brilliant."
0:22:23 > 0:22:30The only time I ever use my laptop, just like anyone else, is lying down in bed.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33"That's it. I'm not moving. That's it."
0:22:33 > 0:22:37It's not even a laptop any more, is it? When was the last time you put it on your lap?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40It's a crotchtop! That's what it is.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It's just there, burning your balls...
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Sperm going, "Agh, that's hot! Agh! I can't breathe, stop!"
0:22:50 > 0:22:52You just lie there in that disgusting position.
0:22:52 > 0:22:58You know that position in bed that every one of your friends sees you in on Skype?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Hello.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Yeah...
0:23:10 > 0:23:15When you can't see them on Skype... You won't talk to them unless you can see them.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19"Where are you? Where are you? Where are YOU? Where are you?"
0:23:19 > 0:23:24When they pop up, you're not looking at them. You're looking at a picture of yourself.
0:23:24 > 0:23:30You can't believe how much you look like a bear. "Why do I look so disgusting? Help me!"
0:23:30 > 0:23:34That's the night-time position, that one. That's the night-time.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38The daytime one is on the side, laptop on the bed like that.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Looks like you're on Babestation.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46"Call me. Call me.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50"Call me. Make sure you call me. Call me."
0:23:50 > 0:23:54You know you get uncomfortable in bed and you want to turn round?
0:23:54 > 0:24:00With the laptop, you just go like that. "That's better, watch it like that." You take that for granted.
0:24:00 > 0:24:06Remember as a kid watching a film at night, TV on the side of the room, going, "I'm really enjoying this...
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"I really want to turn round!"
0:24:09 > 0:24:13You'd convince yourself that you'd listen for a bit...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"I'll just turn round for a bit and listen."
0:24:17 > 0:24:19MIMICS SNORING
0:24:19 > 0:24:21APPLAUSE
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I can't get off the laptop. I can't get off any of these popular sites.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Facebook, yeah?
0:24:35 > 0:24:39I'm just like everyone else. I hate Facebook.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Can't get off the thing!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46I can't get off it. It's horrible. I hate it.
0:24:46 > 0:24:52The only redeeming feature that Facebook has is when you go to use it around a friend's
0:24:52 > 0:24:55and they've left theirs logged in.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08You "frape" them.
0:25:08 > 0:25:14This is what you do. If you don't know what "fraping" is, it's approaching somebody you care about,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18someone that you love, approaching their laptop, a best friend,
0:25:18 > 0:25:24going into their status update, writing anything, and making out that they've said it.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Fantastic. You could use your imagination. Write anything!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32But we all write the same thing.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"I love cock."
0:25:40 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:46 > 0:25:49All these things, our lives are changing so quickly.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Even...games consoles now.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Games consoles. Even games consoles are changing rapidly.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59All these new consoles - the Nintendo Wii, the Xbox Kinect -
0:25:59 > 0:26:03they're designed so that you actually have to do the thing!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09So it's taking the point away from the games console. Isn't it?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I bought this so I don't have to go out and do the thing.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17It's like buying a film then you have to act it out yourself.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Open the DVD case, there's a script. What the HELL is this?!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I prefer the old consoles.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Like the Megadrive.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33CHEERING Yes.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# Sega. #
0:26:36 > 0:26:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# Sega
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# Sega. #
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Remember you'd go try and play it late without your mum knowing.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Turn on the television, forget the volume's up.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51# SEGA! #
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Megadrive - those were the days, those were the days.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03When something didn't work...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06you blew into it. LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:11HE BLOWS FORCEFULY
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Your friends thought they were better at it than you.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21"No, you do it upwards, here." HE BLOWS FORCEFULY
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Or down.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Even the video machine - when a film's not working.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33There'd be one person nominated to get up off the sofa.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34"Ah, for God's sake."
0:27:36 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Have to push open the flap. HE BLOWS FORCEFULY
0:27:51 > 0:27:55My favourite game on the Megadrive was Mortal Kombat.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58CHEERING
0:27:58 > 0:28:01This was...this was the beat-'em-up.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Two men fighting, lot of parents said,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07"These games, they encourage violence. They encourage violence,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10"kids are going to start fighting if they play these games."
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I think that's true. I do, I think that's true
0:28:12 > 0:28:15because if my brother beat me I'd try and kill him.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Proper sibling fights. Proper sibling fi...
0:28:19 > 0:28:21When you were about 10, you didn't know how to fight.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Thumb inside the fist, sideways.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Teeth...over the bottom of the mouth.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Not the face, not the face!
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Not the face, not the face!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Whoever won the sibling fight
0:28:34 > 0:28:38was always the kid that could run to the sofa first...
0:28:38 > 0:28:40jump back...
0:28:40 > 0:28:41and just kick out.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44That was it, wasn't it? That was the special move.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46You couldn't beat that. HE TRILLS
0:28:48 > 0:28:49You couldn't beat that now.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52People should still fight like that, shouldn't they?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Be brilliant!
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Blokes outside Wetherspoons on a Friday night,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59"Oh, you want some? You go first.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00"You go. Go on."
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Mortal Kombat.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Mortal Kombat, it was my favourite beat-'em-up.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21The difference between this beat-'em-up and any other beat-'em-up
0:29:21 > 0:29:24was you didn't just beat your opponent until he died.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25You beat him into a coma...
0:29:27 > 0:29:29..where you could do anything you wanted to him.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30Remember this?
0:29:30 > 0:29:33FINISH HIM!
0:29:46 > 0:29:49This gave you about 10 seconds to type in the secret combo
0:29:49 > 0:29:52that would kill your opponent in spectacular fashion.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56The problem was, no-one knew the secret combo, did they?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58No-one had a clue.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00You'd just be there going, "Come on, come on."
0:30:00 > 0:30:04"Come on. Come on!" All that happened was it went, "FINISH HIM!"
0:30:04 > 0:30:07You had one bloke on one side of the screen just going,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09"I'm off my nut."
0:30:11 > 0:30:14And 10 yards down the other side of the screen
0:30:14 > 0:30:17your guy just going, "I don't know what I'm doing."
0:30:17 > 0:30:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:27 > 0:30:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:35 > 0:30:41Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I've been Seann Walsh. Good night!
0:30:41 > 0:30:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:55 > 0:31:00Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second comedian for you this evening.
0:31:00 > 0:31:05Please welcome to the stage Mr Jason Byrne!
0:31:05 > 0:31:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:31:20 > 0:31:24The last time I was on Live At The Apollo,
0:31:24 > 0:31:28and I'm pretty well known in Britain for a very odd thing now,
0:31:28 > 0:31:30and it's for having a cockeye.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34Or a turned-in eye or a squint.
0:31:34 > 0:31:39Cos I did this material the last time I was here about having a cockeye and a squint
0:31:39 > 0:31:42and it's now made me famous in Britain.
0:31:42 > 0:31:48It's a bit shit being famous for something like that cos I haven't written any cool songs or anything.
0:31:48 > 0:31:53- Has anybody in this room got a cockeye or a squint?- Yeah!
0:31:53 > 0:31:57Look, see! It's brilliant because I've brought them out.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02Normally, your eye will turn in if you get excited. It's really handy when I'm in bed with my wife
0:32:02 > 0:32:06and I'm making love to her and my eye is literally facing my nose.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08It's going...
0:32:08 > 0:32:11"Is this OK, is it? Is this OK, yeah?"
0:32:11 > 0:32:15I'm so excited, I don't know my eye has turned in.
0:32:15 > 0:32:21She's just going, "Just get off me, just get off me. I can't stop laughing. Get off me.
0:32:21 > 0:32:26"Go and get your patch." I have a patch. I have to wear a patch in bed.
0:32:26 > 0:32:31It's like a pirate's patch. It's humiliating. Back in, off I go again.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36We have two little boys as well.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39And it's like... Well, we don't, I have two little boys,
0:32:39 > 0:32:42my wife has three boys and I'm one of them.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45That's just what happens, you know?
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Normally, at breakfast time there's three of us
0:32:47 > 0:32:49in the kitchen in our pyjamas.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Waiting for my wife to get up, just...
0:32:58 > 0:33:00"She'll be up in a minute, lads, she'll be up in a minute."
0:33:01 > 0:33:03"I'm hungry, are you hungry?"
0:33:05 > 0:33:07"I'm eating first, do you hear me?!"
0:33:10 > 0:33:13But yeah, my kids, you know, they're amazing. And they do weird...
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Like, I don't believe that people who have to go
0:33:15 > 0:33:16and train to look after kids,
0:33:16 > 0:33:18you can't train how to look after kids,
0:33:18 > 0:33:20you have to live with them cos they're mad, right?
0:33:20 > 0:33:23They try to kill themselves all the time
0:33:23 > 0:33:25and do mad stuff and eat dangerous things,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28like, no college is ever going to teach you that stuff.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30All they teach you is here's a two-year-old,
0:33:30 > 0:33:33you put him on the ground and you just open his nappy gently,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36just clean him, help him up and then he walks away gently.
0:33:36 > 0:33:37They never do that.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40My kid when he was in nappies would just stand in front of me going,
0:33:40 > 0:33:41"Come on, Dad, yeah."
0:33:41 > 0:33:43"Change my nappy, Dad, change my nappy."
0:33:43 > 0:33:48"Come on, Dad, get my nappy. Quickly, before it comes off."
0:33:48 > 0:33:50And it was heft with poo, full of poo, right?
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Because I was looking after him and I'm thinking,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"Yeah, yeah. Six or seven more poos will definitely fit in there, yeah?"
0:33:59 > 0:34:03If that was his mother, after one he would have been cleaned.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05No way! Load it up.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Load it up and just let it fall off naturally, right?
0:34:10 > 0:34:14They're amazing what they do. My other kid when he was about eight,
0:34:14 > 0:34:17I was watching a match with my mates.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Sitting there watching the television, OK?
0:34:19 > 0:34:22And he came running in, naked,
0:34:22 > 0:34:23stood in front of the screen,
0:34:23 > 0:34:25faced my mates and went,
0:34:25 > 0:34:27"Willy, willy, willy, willy, willy, willy!"
0:34:27 > 0:34:30"There it is! There it is!"
0:34:30 > 0:34:31And ran out of the room!
0:34:34 > 0:34:37My mates are going, "What the hell was that?!"
0:34:37 > 0:34:39I'm going, "I don't know.
0:34:39 > 0:34:44"I've never seen him do that, what the hell did he do that for?" Cos little boys are nuts.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46And then I found him and his little brother a few days later
0:34:46 > 0:34:48with their willies out, just having a laugh,
0:34:48 > 0:34:50just going, "Yeah, come on."
0:34:51 > 0:34:54"Get your willies out, lads, yeah. Willy, willy. Willy, willy."
0:34:54 > 0:34:56"Yeah, willy willy. Yeah, willy willy."
0:34:57 > 0:35:00And I couldn't join in, cos apparently it's illegal, right?
0:35:03 > 0:35:05But I can tell you, one day I'm going to do it.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09When their mother's out I'm going to get me and the lads either side of me
0:35:09 > 0:35:11with their willies out, bit of music on the telly.
0:35:11 > 0:35:12"Yeah, come on, let's go, yeah."
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Come on, lads, willy, willy. Willy, willy.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16"Willy, willy, Father?"
0:35:16 > 0:35:19"Willy, willy, son. Yeah, come on, yeah."
0:35:19 > 0:35:20"Willy, willy. Willy, willy."
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Oh, what am I talking about?
0:35:24 > 0:35:25Fecking willies.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30But men, we can't help it though, we love our willies.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33Do you know what I mean? We're always at it. We're always AT it.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36We're at it all the time, you know what I mean?
0:35:36 > 0:35:40Like, there's loads of blokes here that on their own in the bathroom
0:35:40 > 0:35:42just bang your willy off your legs, just bored.
0:35:44 > 0:35:45Just going, chk, chk, chk, chk.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Chk, chk, chk, chk, it's brilliant fun.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50I'm sure loads of blokes here have done it.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53With a cheer, how many blokes have knocked their knob off their legs?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56CHEERING
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Just one bloke, "Yeah!"
0:35:58 > 0:36:02"It's just me, doesn't stop knocking off, a disgrace."
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Yeah, it's brilliant fun, you should do it if you haven't done it.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Just in the bathroom, just, chk, chk, chk, chk.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Chk, chk... Sorry, that's not mine, mine's more...
0:36:12 > 0:36:16Sometimes I spin around in the living room naked
0:36:16 > 0:36:19so the children can jump over it. Yeah?
0:36:19 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:22 > 0:36:25"Put your willy back, Dad. Put it back."
0:36:31 > 0:36:33I shouldn't have said that last bit.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37But I love being young, you know?
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Well, I'm not young anymore, I'm 39. Oh, no!
0:36:40 > 0:36:43And it's... "Oh, yeah, you're nearly dead."
0:36:43 > 0:36:45LAUGHTER
0:36:45 > 0:36:49It's unbelievable, like. Because I remember being young.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52When I was young, sex was on tap. It was brilliant.
0:36:52 > 0:36:57Whenever you wanted, "Let's do it." Turn round to your girlfriend, "Let's go."
0:36:57 > 0:37:01"Really? Here?" "Yeah, who cares? Come on." "Chicka-chicka-chicka!"
0:37:01 > 0:37:06It doesn't make that noise, in case there are any young people in here.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10I don't want any young men here going, "Why does it sound like maracas?"
0:37:12 > 0:37:17That would be good fun - behind your wife with a set of maracas.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Actually, I tell you what, lads.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Feck this! Tomorrow, go and buy a pair of maracas, yeah?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30Go and buy a pair of maracas, right?
0:37:30 > 0:37:36Hide them in the bed covers. Make sure the missus doesn't find them. Hide them in there, OK?
0:37:36 > 0:37:42When you're behind her... This is the telly. There's people watching. We could get in trouble.
0:37:42 > 0:37:47You know when she's like that and you're like that, that way, this way, that way?
0:37:47 > 0:37:51The way that men love, this way, that way? Women hate that way.
0:37:51 > 0:37:57You like the missionary position and men hate that way because we have to look at you and do as we're told.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01At your missus. "I'm watching you, I'm watching you.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05"I've got my eye on you. That's it."
0:38:05 > 0:38:10It's much better, isn't it, lads, on our own, behind? It's great fun. "Come on, yeah!"
0:38:10 > 0:38:14You can do what you want, give yourself the thumbs-up.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18"She can't see it. Yeah, go ahead, do it."
0:38:20 > 0:38:22You could do anything.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29No, the maracas. Yeah, sorry, get the maracas.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33And you're behind the missus. Sneak them out. Don't let her see them.
0:38:33 > 0:38:38Sneak out the maracas and just as you're behind her, start shaking them. Just go...
0:38:38 > 0:38:40MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS
0:38:40 > 0:38:44She's bound to go, "Oh, my God, what the hell is that?"
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Just go, "That's just me banging off your bum."
0:38:47 > 0:38:49LAUGHTER
0:38:49 > 0:38:54Because as I say, sex was brilliant - the madness, going away on dirty weekends.
0:38:54 > 0:39:01Just get into the hotel room, you've kicked the door, you didn't even try the card, throwing your clothes off,
0:39:01 > 0:39:05sticking strawberries up each other's arses, having a laugh,
0:39:05 > 0:39:10rubbing cream on each other. "Here, stick your knob in the wax!" "Why?"
0:39:13 > 0:39:16It was madness. We weren't even thinking, you know?
0:39:16 > 0:39:21Now when you go away with the missus, oh, my God, it's just nuts.
0:39:21 > 0:39:27She's standing there going, "Right, this is going to be a crazy weekend, an absolutely crazy weekend."
0:39:27 > 0:39:30She starts folding the clothes on the chair.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33"Yeah, we're going to go ballistic-arooney here.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38"Oh, it's going to be a lovely, sexy weekend.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41"Should I iron them before I get into bed?"
0:39:43 > 0:39:48Meanwhile, next door, that couple you used to be are going nuts.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52He's banging her head off the headboard.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57I mean, with my wife, the last time I banged her head off the headboard,
0:39:57 > 0:40:01all I got was...boof! "Eh, take it easy...
0:40:03 > 0:40:06"Take it easy there.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10"I didn't ask you to fix the headboard with my head, did I?
0:40:10 > 0:40:14"Now shimmy down. Shimmy down the bed. Shimmy down."
0:40:15 > 0:40:18That's how sad your life gets.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21You can't even bother disconnecting any more.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25Like two flies flying around in the summer having sex,
0:40:25 > 0:40:29"Just shimmy down, I can't be arsed. Shimmy down, shimmy down.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33"Right, off you go, off you go.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36"Take it easy. I said, take it easy, didn't I? Take it easy!
0:40:36 > 0:40:41"Mind the lamps, the bedside lamps. You'll knock them off the bed.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43"Take it easy! The bedside lamps!
0:40:43 > 0:40:46"Right, I'll hold them. You go ahead!
0:40:49 > 0:40:53"Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're enjoying yourself."
0:40:53 > 0:40:55It's just shit!
0:40:55 > 0:40:59I know what we'll do. I tell you what we'll do.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Let's bring other instruments into the bedroom.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Yeah, OK. Oh, yeah, sneak...
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Sneak a... Yeah, sneak a tuba into the bedroom.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11Sneak a tuba. Oh, no, sorry.
0:41:11 > 0:41:16That's a trombone. That's a trombone. Don't sneak a tuba into the bedroom!
0:41:21 > 0:41:24HUMS LOW NOTES
0:41:26 > 0:41:28APPLAUSE
0:41:33 > 0:41:36"Where are you going with that?"
0:41:36 > 0:41:41"What? I was going to put it in the bed covers and hide it."
0:41:41 > 0:41:45No, don't do that. Get a trombone. Get a trombone, right?
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Get it right at her bum there, so she can't...
0:41:48 > 0:41:52She's going to see it. It's a trombone. You're going to get caught.
0:41:52 > 0:41:59You'll probably never have sex ever again, but you'll have the best laugh of your life, right?
0:41:59 > 0:42:05It'll be something to tell your grandchildren one day. "You won't believe what I did to your granny."
0:42:05 > 0:42:10Right, get the trombone and get it right behind her on the bum and just hold it there.
0:42:10 > 0:42:14Then you've got to get this tune right. Practise before you do it.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17You'll only get one bash at this. Hold it at the bum.
0:42:17 > 0:42:21Just as she's getting to the... SINGS HIGH NOTES
0:42:21 > 0:42:25She's going nuts and she's loving it. SINGS HIGH NOTES
0:42:25 > 0:42:27As she's about to explode, you go...
0:42:27 > 0:42:29MIMICS TROMBONE: Buh-uhh-uhh!
0:42:29 > 0:42:32APPLAUSE
0:42:32 > 0:42:36Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million!
0:42:36 > 0:42:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:45 > 0:42:48Jason Byrne!
0:42:48 > 0:42:50CHEERING
0:42:51 > 0:42:57All it needs for me to do is to ask you to give a massive round of applause
0:42:57 > 0:43:01for the two acts you saw this evening - first, Mr Seann Walsh!
0:43:01 > 0:43:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:07Mr Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:07 > 0:43:11You have been superb. Thank you very much. Good night!