0:00:19 > 0:00:21'Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23'please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25'Alan Carr!'
0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Oh, how lovely!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Oh!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, Hammersmith!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Ah!
0:00:48 > 0:00:53Welcome to Live At The Apollo. I'm your host, Alan Carr.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Woohoo! Thank you.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I'm not a sheepdog.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05I visited my nan the other day. You got to visit your nan, ain't ya?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- ALL: Yes! - Yeah. I went to see her, bless her.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12She was sucking the chocolate off a Crunchie to send to Cash for Gold.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I don't know how much money pensioners get.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Honestly, she's got herself a 3D HD plasma screen in her lounge.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Honestly, it's huge. It's huge.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29The people on the screen are bigger than she is.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33The council drove by, thought she was subletting to Poirot.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Honestly, but she loves it, though. All this technology.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I'm the other way. I'm going...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43You're going to think I'm mad, but you know what I can't stand?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Digital cameras.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I like the old ones, know what I mean?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I don't like to get the image instantly,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I like to wait to get back from the holiday
0:01:51 > 0:01:53before I realise I'm fat and pasty, yeah?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57People show you it, don't they? "Oh, yes!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01"Great the way me back fat's poking through the slots of the sun lounger!"
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Got screensaver written all over it, hasn't it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13They're inventing things that I don't even know what they are.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Wi-Fi printers, have you heard about this? I don't know what they are.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18You can print from your computer to any printer,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20wherever it is, in the world.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25My printer don't work when it's connected to the sodding computer.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28They're back to back in a loveless relationship.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"If you think I'm printing that, you've got another thing coming."
0:02:32 > 0:02:33"Don't take that toner with me."
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I like that pun, I like it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I like it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46What celebs have we got here?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Hello, Eamonn. Eamonn and Ruth, come on.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52APPLAUSE
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Olly Murs.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57CHEERING
0:02:58 > 0:03:01And little Geordie Joe sneaked in behind you.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03X Factor fantasy of mine.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Hello, love. Can I just say I love you? You know his skinny fit jeans?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12He's got the image. Olly is the image I want.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Ain't he lovely? He's gorgeous.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16SHOUTS OF APPROVAL
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- He wears those skinny fit jeans. - Yeah.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I've had to throw mine out, honestly.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25I had to. I got on the bus and a woman gave her seat up for me.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Olly, those hats!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Do you know, I got myself a white trilby,
0:03:34 > 0:03:39cos I want to look like Justin Timberlake. I got it from Topman.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41White trilby.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I look like a fishmonger at Morrisons.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49APPLAUSE
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Honestly. Pow! Pow! Pow!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Got some lovely scallops for your tea, Mrs Henderson.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Pop them in your basket.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Who else have we got? Oh, Arg.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04The Only Way Is Essex.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07CHEERING
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Any Essex girls in?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I don't think there is tonight.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Are you sure, cos...- There might be.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I'm not being rude, but over there I saw a flash of vajazzle.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20Honestly, it was like looking in a magpie's nest.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Oh, Olly doesn't know. Let me explain.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- You know a woman's lady garden? - Yes, yep.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- It's where they decorate it with sequins.- Oh, really?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30- Trinkets.- OK, yeah.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Hundreds and thousands.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I mean, they do.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Where I live, everyone does vajazzle.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Every shop does vajazzling. My best mate Monica, she got vajazzled.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45She only popped in to get her keys cut.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49The mechanical man did it in the window.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Seriously. Honest to God. Listen, Arg. She went to get it done
0:05:02 > 0:05:05and she missed her appointment and the girl behind the counter went,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"A client's just gone in. Can you come back in an hour?"
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I said "An hour?! How big is it?"
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Go to Wickes and get it crazy paved for less.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16It's true!
0:05:16 > 0:05:19No, but these things they keep inventing, no-one tells me.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23I took my two goddaughters to the leisure centre to go swimming.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26No-one told me they'd invented a wave machine.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Did you know about this?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32There I am, at the leisure centre, minding me own business.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35All of a sudden, I hear...
0:05:35 > 0:05:36IMITATES SIREN
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's getting choppy!
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And then I couldn't kick because my locker key was round me weak leg.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I thought someone had pulled the plug out.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"Help! Help! Help!"
0:05:59 > 0:06:03No! This lifeguard runs over with a float.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Do you remember those white floats you used to get at school?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Do you remember the texture of them?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14They always had a bite out of them, didn't they?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20How far away from land have you floated...
0:06:20 > 0:06:21that you're that hungry?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28WOMAN SQUEALS
0:06:28 > 0:06:31It's been a long time since I've made a woman make that noise.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Oh, it's Melanie Sykes. Hello, Mel!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Oh, thanks for laughing. - APPLAUSE
0:06:38 > 0:06:41That's what friends are for.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Hope you brought your Tena Lady.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52How unfit am I?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Do you see me sweating?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I don't mind getting the underarm bits. It's when you get the W's.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04You've been sitting down and you get up
0:07:04 > 0:07:08and they're underlined. You're like, "What?!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:11You see, Gok was meant to help me with my outfit.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13You know Gok Wan? You like Gok?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14CHEERING
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I love Gok, he's great. People always say
0:07:16 > 0:07:20"When are you and Gok going to get together?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22We can't, we can't.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25If we had kids, they'd be Wan-Carrs!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29APPLAUSE
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Do you know?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38And let's face it, they're going to get bullied at school anyway.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Know what I mean? Let's not over-egg the pudding.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"Wan-Carr?" "Here, Sir!"
0:07:43 > 0:07:46With a handbag.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I took my two goddaughters to the zoo,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52cos I'm a good godfather and everything.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54The trouble is, they're at that age...
0:07:54 > 0:07:57that face-painting stage, you know what I mean?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59When they like face painting.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02The eldest one has got her face done as a tiger.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I don't know how I feel about that at the zoo. Do you know what I mean?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Not only do we take away these animals' freedom and liberty,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11we start taking the piss out of their face.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16The youngest one has got her face done as a dormouse.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Going round the reptile house,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21they're creaming their drawers in there!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24A Komodo dragon started laying the table.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31While I'm there in the zoo, the zookeeper comes to me.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"Hello.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"Would you like to feed the monkeys?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"Would you like a bit of fruit and get in the cage
0:08:39 > 0:08:40"and feed the monkeys?"
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Then I realised he had a lazy eye and was looking at the girls.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Freaked me out! Freaked me out! Then the girls said,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"We don't want to get in the cage and feed the monkeys.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"Will you do it, Uncle Alan?"
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"Yes, what a good idea(!)"
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I get in the cage, I'm feeding the monkeys.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07People are filming me. They're shouting commands.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08"Stroke the monkey! Stroke the monkey!
0:09:11 > 0:09:12"Faster! Harder!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15"Dance with the monkey!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"Look like you're enjoying it!"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Then this school kid comes by and goes "Look, it's got a stiffy!"
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I actually looked down at my own crotch!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I looked down!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41But if you haven't got kids, you don't know how it works.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I don't know the rules and regulations.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Like those Baby On Board stickers - what am I supposed to make of that?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"All right, love, I weren't going to ram you anyway."
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"You... If it weren't for that Baby On Board sticker."
0:09:53 > 0:09:56What are you supposed to do with a Baby On Board sticker?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Overtake on a hairpin bend? "Oh, she's got her mother's eyes."
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I was in a restaurant, yeah, with my two goddaughters and their mum
0:10:08 > 0:10:14and the kid starts going, "I want Alan to take me to the toilet."
0:10:15 > 0:10:19And then the mum goes, "She wants you to take her to the toilet!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:22As if it's swimming with dolphins or something.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27What do you want me to do? Go, "Yes..."
0:10:27 > 0:10:30So, "Oh, yes, I'll let my lasagne get cold
0:10:30 > 0:10:34"while I loiter mysteriously around a women's toilet for 20 minutes,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"getting dirty looks off everyone."
0:10:37 > 0:10:40"I'm waiting for a child."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"Not like that! Not like that!"
0:10:46 > 0:10:49And one of those kids gave me nits.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Nits at my a... Nits.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I had to go to Boots on the high street,
0:10:54 > 0:10:55so embarrassing.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Have you seen that Scottish Widows advert
0:11:01 > 0:11:05where she's going round the lighthouse? I was like her.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15I went in and I said, "Excuse me," I said, "I think I've got nits."
0:11:15 > 0:11:16"What, NITS?"
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Even a man buying Vagisil went, "Hmm."
0:11:25 > 0:11:28If you have got nits, don't use a nit comb. They're crap.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32All they do is break the nits' legs, no wonder you can't get rid of them.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34They're just laying there, "Help!"
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"Has anyone got a ramp?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:40"Quick, roll down the fringe."
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Do I look like shit?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57I do, don't I?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58WOLF WHISTLE
0:11:58 > 0:12:00You are a sick bastard!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Why are you whistling at camp chubby man,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08who has obviously a thyroid issue?!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13What you saying?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Sorry, I'm not fluent in, "Ugh-bugh!"
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Your flies are undone!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Oh, my God!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:37It's popped off!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Oh, no!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47You've all been looking at my knob.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Shouldn't bloody be looking, you big gay!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I am like Oscar Wilde, ain't I?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I really am, with these witty put-downs.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Let's welcome our first comedian to the stage.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10I love her, you love her.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It's Andi Osho! Woo!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Hey!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Hello!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, this is nice!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Did he do the whole thing with his flies undone?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I couldn't see. Is that it?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Oh, my days! Never mind.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Don't look at my boobs.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38This is good, this is nice. Are there loads of couples in?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Give me a cheer, couples.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41MUTED CHEERING
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Hey, that's nice. That's the sound of a thousand blokes being nudged in the ribs.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And are there single people in? Single people, give me a cheer.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51LOUDER CHEERING
0:13:51 > 0:13:54You see how much happier they sound?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Amazing. I'm single,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I've been single for ages. I think, and I...
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I can't tell whether it's cos I'm really fussy.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Cos this I all I want, right - a good-looking bloke who's smart.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And the smart thing, is a deal-breaker for me.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09I don't want the sort of bloke
0:14:09 > 0:14:13who licks his finger before turning the page on a Kindle.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Or worse still, licks the Kindle to turn the page.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22That's bad. But it has been ages since I've even...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I haven't had a date, this is absolutely true, I've not had a date for three years.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- AUDIENCE: Aw! - Save your sympathy!
0:14:28 > 0:14:32When I'm talking about dates, I'm not talking about getting drunk with some bloke
0:14:32 > 0:14:35and staggering back to his. In which case, I've been dating!
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Probably a little bit too much, to be perfectly honest,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41but a girl's got to eat. Now...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:48It's true. Honestly, you've got to keep it all working down there.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I saw it on Embarrassing Bodies - a woman's vajuju healed up.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54It was like a Sindy doll down there!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56You've got to keep it, you know.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58But seriously, I'm down to last resorts now.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01This is my last resort, because I've tried everything.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05I've done internet dating and all that. My last resort is to walk into a random pub
0:15:05 > 0:15:07and hope someone replies if I go,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# I like old movies... #
0:15:09 > 0:15:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:19That's all I've got left. But that could work.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24You know what I love about that ad? I would love it if that wasn't the first shop she'd been into.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30If she'd gone into a weird shop like that one in Pulp Fiction with all the samurai swords on the wall.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32And she'd gone up to the piano...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35# I like old movies... #
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Then she'd heard from the back...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# Like Scream and Saw III... #
0:15:38 > 0:15:41OK, not this shop, but thank you, thank you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45They all advertise as well, don't they?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48The internet dating companies, like Uniform Dating,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52they advertise, but they don't even have people in their adverts.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55And then the tag line, she goes, "Do you work in uniform,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"or fancy those who do?"
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Isn't that just like everybody, then?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07That's like BUPA bringing out a new health care product -
0:16:07 > 0:16:12"Are you healthy, ill, dead, or know someone who is?"
0:16:13 > 0:16:15They're not helping me.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Or eHarmony, that's another one, they advertise a lot.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Sometimes they reject people's applications,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23and a guy put in an application and it got rejected
0:16:23 > 0:16:26cos of what he said in response to a question.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28And there's a screen grab of it on the internet.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31It goes "eHarmony has rejected your application
0:16:31 > 0:16:35"because in response to the question 'What do you find most attractive in a woman?'"
0:16:35 > 0:16:37The bloke had written "My dick."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44How good is that?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Because it tells a woman two important things.
0:16:46 > 0:16:481 - He has got a sense of humour.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51What girl doesn't like a guy with a sense of humour?
0:16:51 > 0:16:522 - He's got a dick.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58What girl doesn't like a guy with a dick? All of us.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02But I did internet dating,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and the problem I had with it
0:17:04 > 0:17:06was basically the men.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10No, what it is, I think it's the panic of having to advertise yourself,
0:17:10 > 0:17:11so they write weird things.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Like they'll put down "reading" as a hobby.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Now, reading is not a hobby,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20that's just something you should be able to do.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You know, what are you going to put next?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"I'm a big fan of eating and thinking. Pick me!"
0:17:25 > 0:17:28No, mate, put that you're a fan of putting up shelves
0:17:28 > 0:17:30and munching rug, then I'll pick you.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Yep. They wouldn't even need a photo then.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I'd be like, "My God, this guy sounds amazing, where is he?"
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Also, they want you to think that they look after themselves,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45so they put down that they like a sport.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48But then they'll pick a rubbish one, like badminton.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Now, come on, I'm sorry, that is not a proper sport.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55That should be downgraded. It is a board game at best.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58It is, it's like watching two blokes trying to hit a dandelion
0:17:58 > 0:17:59with a sieve.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07It's ridiculous. It's like watching a bloke chase a moth with a wok.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11What an absurd game.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And the equipment in badminton is ridiculous.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Like, in cricket, right, you've got a ball made of wood.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19If that hits you, that hurts.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22If you get hit by a shuttlecock in badminton, you're like,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25"What is it? What is it? Get it out! Get it away from me!"
0:18:25 > 0:18:27If someone breaks into your house,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30do you have a baseball bat by your bed or a badminton racket?
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Do you go up to the intruder, "Stay back or I will dice you."
0:18:36 > 0:18:39But it's not like I don't like sport. I do like sport.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I stewarded at a football club.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I won't say which one, cos it always divides the room.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44I'll give you a clue.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48It rhymes with "Middle-class-enal".
0:18:48 > 0:18:49It's there if you want it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52But what I really loved about stewarding, right,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54I loved the way the fans behave.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I loved the random things that they do.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59A guy had a season ticket, always sat in the same place behind me.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01He wanted to join in with the chanting
0:19:01 > 0:19:03but couldn't quite get the inflection right.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06So what you get is the opposition pipe up, like, "Who are ya? Who are ya?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:10And then this guy behind me, going, "Who are you? Who are you?!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Like properly angry.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19He'd always be getting them wrong.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22A little fracas would break out on the pitch and you'd get him going,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25"The referee is wanking! The referee is wanking!"
0:19:31 > 0:19:34"It's 'He's a wanker'."
0:19:35 > 0:19:38"Oh, no, shit, look, he is! Well spotted!"
0:19:38 > 0:19:40"What are the chances? What are the chances?"
0:19:42 > 0:19:45If you go on a lot of dating websites,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48or look at a lot of profiles, you start to see the same phrases,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50people write the same stuff on their profiles.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52This is one that always gets me.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56People always go, "I love nights in, but I love nights out."
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Who doesn't like nights in and nights out? Can't we just assume...
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I mean, obviously homeless people would prefer more nights in.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Obviously.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Fritzl kids, you know, more nights out.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15GROANING
0:20:18 > 0:20:20What are you gonna do?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24You know what, if I had my own dating website, right,
0:20:24 > 0:20:25I would only have one question.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I wouldn't bother with all these questions they ask you.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31One question, simple. "What's wrong with you?"
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Because that's all we need to know. That is what it comes down to.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36However you met someone,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38be it via a dating website or in the real world,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41the only thing you really want to know about them
0:20:41 > 0:20:42is what's wrong with them.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Because we pretend to be someone we're not
0:20:44 > 0:20:46when we first meet someone.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49It's a super-us, isn't it? A good, decent, honest version of ourselves.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52One of my pretences in the early stages, I pretend to be,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54like, really hygienic.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58You know, like I won't eat food off the floor in front of the bloke.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"No, I prepared it with hair and fluff and stuff on it."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Or I'll make a big deal about washing my hands
0:21:04 > 0:21:06after I've been to the toilet, even though I'm pretending.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"Look at me, washy, washy, wash. All the way up to the elbow."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Sharing a bit too much now.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I'll tell you something that women pretend - we pretend,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18in the early stages, that we don't fart.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21That's one of the biggest pretences that we have going,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24but I think, right, women should just let it out.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25It's a big day in a girl's life
0:21:25 > 0:21:29when she can freely let rip in front of her bloke.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It is. I think women should be having
0:21:31 > 0:21:34"I farted in front of my boyfriend for the first time" parties.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38They should be ringing their mums, going,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"Mum, I've got something to tell you."
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"Oh, darling, what is it? What is it?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"I just did a fart in front of Tom."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"Oh, darling, that's wonderful news! And what did he say?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"He didn't say anything. He just laughed and farted back!"
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"My little girl's all grown up."
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Meanwhile, Dad'll be going,
0:21:56 > 0:22:00"Women are farting far too early in front of their boyfriends these days.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03"It was 18 months before your mother even trumped in my direction.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"Six months before she'd take a dump in the house when I was around."
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Something else we pretend -
0:22:10 > 0:22:15we keep the old, er, the lady garden quite tidy, us girls, in the early stages.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16We do little tricks with it.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"Look, it's a strip, it's a Brazilian.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22"Look, I put a hat on it, it's a Mexican." Like, we do...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26We do all that in the early stages and then after about a year,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29it looks like the back of the wardrobe that leads to Narnia.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"Well, if he wants it, he's going to have to work for it."
0:22:46 > 0:22:49People say, "Andi, you could try meeting people in a nightclub."
0:22:49 > 0:22:52You'll never meet anyone good in a nightclub,
0:22:52 > 0:22:57because the nightclub environment is designed to have us make bad decisions.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It's dark, you can't see, you can't hear.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You know what, if nightclubs want to be responsible,
0:23:01 > 0:23:06what they should do to help us out, is just before the exit, they should have a brightly lit room,
0:23:06 > 0:23:10where you can check out the person you're leaving with.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13They should call it the Have A Sodding Word With Yourself Lounge.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19And you'd get women in there just going, "Oh, my god, you're wearing a fleece.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23"I couldn't tell because it's so dark in there. OK, nice to meet you!"
0:23:28 > 0:23:30But listen, if you meet somebody online,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34all I'm going to say is there's some safety things to take into consideration.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Now, I met somebody through Twitter just the once - never again -
0:23:38 > 0:23:42and it was the most irresponsible thing I've ever done. I spoke to a friend about it
0:23:42 > 0:23:45and I said, "I've met this guy, and we seem to really like each other
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"and we're talking about meeting up. Should I meet him?"
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Before my mate had a chance to say anything,
0:23:50 > 0:23:54I said, "I AM going to meet this guy. You know why? Cos life's too short."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57And my mate just went, "Yeah, you're going to find out how short!"
0:23:59 > 0:24:02And my mum says, "Look, if you go on these dates,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"make sure you meet in a public place."
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I'm going to add something to that. Public place - brill.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Public house - excellent.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Public toilet...
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Never meet in a public toilet. No good can come of it,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21unless it's them space-age toilets that they have outside,
0:24:21 > 0:24:27where you put the money in, press the button and then the door opens. Cos you can pretend it's Blind Date.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Oh, how good is that, you just put the money in, and press the button!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35SHE HUMS BLIND DATE THEME
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And if you don't like them, just press the button really quickly.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45I don't know why young couples,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48new couples, have got this obsession with finding out
0:24:48 > 0:24:51how many people someone has been out with from before.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Like, how many previous partners? This is a lose/lose situation.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57And if any of you have ever had that conversation,
0:24:57 > 0:25:01or you think it's going to come up, this is what you should say, OK? Just say,
0:25:01 > 0:25:06"You want to know how many previous partners? OK, I'll tell you from the beginning.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07"One, two, three, four,
0:25:07 > 0:25:08"YOU...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10"six, seven..."
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much! Good night!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Andi Osho!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Who else have we got? Jake Humphrey from Formula One.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38ALL: Woo!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Hello, love.- Hello.- What's your show about? What's it...?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44No, I'm not being horrible. I've never heard of it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- It's driving cars and stuff. - Driving cars.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Oh, what do you think of those electric cars?
0:25:50 > 0:25:55- Brilliant, good for the environment. - Good for the environment. You know why I'm asking...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58They asked me to be the face of electric cars.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02No, because you know me surname's Carr?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06They spent hours thinking this up, honestly, yeah.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And the money was good, I thought I'd do it, and then I saw the slogan.
0:26:09 > 0:26:14"The car you don't have to stick your nozzle in and pump."
0:26:14 > 0:26:19It's true, it's true. It took me ages....
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- Honestly, how long did it take you to pass your test, Jake?- First time.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Oh, don't you hate people, "first time?"
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Do you know how long it took me? Four times, yeah.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30The first time I failed me test it weren't my fault.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I had the wrong prescription in my glasses.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34It had a concave lens.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Honestly, I kept veering off into the hedge and the verge.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Honestly, the poor instructor! I was screaming,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42he was blackberry picking.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47He was a pervert.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50He liked me to go down the country lanes.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53"Let's go down the country lanes, me and you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55"Let's go down the country lanes."
0:26:55 > 0:26:58He liked me to drive over cattle grids
0:26:58 > 0:27:00cos it made me chest jiggle.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Oh, can I tell you this, it's a bit personal?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I had a health scare, yeah, I caught something in a hot tub.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Now listen,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I hate hot tubs, yeah, I was round me friend's house,
0:27:16 > 0:27:17we're having a nice meal,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19the plates get taken away and he says,
0:27:19 > 0:27:20"Hey, Alan...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24"..grab a glass of wine, put some Speedos on,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27"and come and join me and the wife in the hot tub."
0:27:27 > 0:27:29AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:27:29 > 0:27:32What's wrong with an after-dinner mint,
0:27:32 > 0:27:33why do I have to get in a hot tub?
0:27:33 > 0:27:37They're wrong, hot tubs, ain't they, they're wrong?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40It's like me inviting you all for dinner, then saying,
0:27:40 > 0:27:41"I've run a bath, do you want to get in?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"No, wait, I'll push it into the front lawn
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"so the neighbours can see us."
0:27:51 > 0:27:53We haven't got the views over here, have we?
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Fair enough if you're in California watching the sun set on the horizon,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59but over here, a rusty swingball
0:27:59 > 0:28:01and a fox going through your rubbish!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Oh, look, a syringe. Ooh!
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Do you know, I had to have a Well Man test.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14You know, where they test everything over,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17because like I said, I had that health scare.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18And I'd put on weight on everything.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22I know I'm fat now, but I really put on weight.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24You know you've got fat when someone uses your love handles
0:28:24 > 0:28:26to get to a disabled toilet.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34She started asking embarrassing questions.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"Do you find your clothes are a bit tighter than normal?"
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I said, "My poncho's chaffing, you do the math."
0:28:43 > 0:28:45She checked everything over, yeah,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47but she checked my balls.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Honestly, she checked my balls and she was down there for ages.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53And she started pulling the same face I pull
0:28:53 > 0:28:55when I'm trying to Sky+.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06You don't know what to say. She's got your balls in her hand, what can you say?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08"Go compare! Go compare!" You can't!
0:29:11 > 0:29:14But once one thing goes, you think everything's going to go.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Have you ever been in a posh car
0:29:15 > 0:29:19and they've put the heated seats on without telling you?
0:29:20 > 0:29:22"Ooh, no.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26"Oh, no, you haven't.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28"Not in a Nissan Sunny!"
0:29:32 > 0:29:33This kind of shit happens to me.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37I think it's time for our second comedian,
0:29:37 > 0:29:39he's absolutely brilliant.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Hammersmith, go mad, go crazy
0:29:41 > 0:29:45and welcome to the stage the one and only Patrick Kielty!
0:29:45 > 0:29:49- Woo! - AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Thank you very much. Good evening, Apollo, how are we?
0:30:04 > 0:30:07AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Good, good, we're all here, all ready to laugh Britain
0:30:10 > 0:30:11out of recession,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14that's...that's what it is,
0:30:14 > 0:30:15cos it's tough times,
0:30:15 > 0:30:18it's tough for everybody, tough to be Irish at the minute,
0:30:18 > 0:30:20tough to be Irish in London at the minute.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Any Irish in?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25- AUDIENCE: Whey!- Whey, yeah.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27The Polish have stolen all the building work.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32The Muslims have stolen all the terrorism work.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Yeah, it...
0:30:39 > 0:30:41"They come over here, they steal our bombs!"
0:30:41 > 0:30:44I tell you, that was good while it lasted,
0:30:44 > 0:30:48honestly, that was the greatest scam that Irish people ever had.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Blow it up on a Friday,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52start building it again on a Monday, that was great!
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"Have you much work on at the minute, Seamus?"
0:30:58 > 0:31:01"Not much, Michael." "Leave it with me."
0:31:04 > 0:31:07And can I just say, guys, as someone from Northern Ireland,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09can I just say,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12congratulations on your riots, London, that was...
0:31:12 > 0:31:13AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:31:13 > 0:31:16Yeah, round of applause for the riots there,
0:31:16 > 0:31:17that's...one, or two,
0:31:17 > 0:31:20only the people that actually rioted applauding there, that was good.
0:31:20 > 0:31:26People who rioted thinking other people were going to join in.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28It brought me back to my childhood,
0:31:28 > 0:31:30it really did, it did.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34It was just the right mixture between excitement and fear.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38It reminded me of being an altar boy again. It...
0:31:41 > 0:31:43And the great thing about it for me
0:31:43 > 0:31:45was that that people asked my opinion.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49They kind of think that when you're from Northern Ireland,
0:31:49 > 0:31:50you're an expert.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Which is kind of nice,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55or racist, really, it's kind of racist.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59I went on Daybreak during the riots,
0:31:59 > 0:32:02as if London wasn't suffering enough,
0:32:02 > 0:32:06and I kid you not, right, Adrian Chiles asked me, he said,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09"So before we talk about what you're here to talk about,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12"disgraceful scenes in London, last night,
0:32:12 > 0:32:16"you're from Belfast, Patrick, what do you think?"
0:32:18 > 0:32:21I'm like, "Well, Adrian, most of these kids are only doing this
0:32:21 > 0:32:23"because they grew up in shitholes.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26"You're from Birmingham, what do you think?"
0:32:26 > 0:32:32- AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS - So...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36What was he expecting?!
0:32:36 > 0:32:40Was he expecting some type of post-match analysis from me?
0:32:40 > 0:32:44- IMITATES ALAN HANSEN:- "Technically very, very poor, badly organised.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48"You might pick up a plasma in this country
0:32:48 > 0:32:50"with that type of performance,
0:32:50 > 0:32:52"but in Europe they'll eat you for breakfast."
0:32:55 > 0:32:57I like a riot as much as anybody else,
0:32:57 > 0:33:00but, you know, we need a cause.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02We need a cause that we can all believe in.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Whatever happened to taking to the streets
0:33:04 > 0:33:07and getting behind the great rallying cries?
0:33:07 > 0:33:09"I have a dream." "We shall overcome."
0:33:09 > 0:33:12"If you like, you should have put a ring on it."
0:33:12 > 0:33:14# Oh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh...
0:33:16 > 0:33:19I kind of feel a bit let down by Beyonce, I have to say.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23Does any other man in the room feel let down by Beyonce?
0:33:23 > 0:33:25I remember when Beyonce used to be here for us men.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27You could rely on Beyonce.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31When Beyonce used to shake her stuff purely for men.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34# I don't think you're ready for this jelly
0:33:34 > 0:33:36# I don't think you're ready for this jelly
0:33:36 > 0:33:38# I don't think you're ready for this
0:33:38 > 0:33:43# My body too bootilicious for you, baby. #
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- That's... That's kind of... - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:33:49 > 0:33:52That's when Beyonce was being Beyonce.
0:33:52 > 0:33:57None of this, "If you like it, you should have put a ring on it." Eh?
0:33:57 > 0:33:58What's all that about?
0:33:58 > 0:34:01She's gone from a pole-dancing sex kitten
0:34:01 > 0:34:04to an Irish Catholic nun in three singles, hasn't she?
0:34:04 > 0:34:09# No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... #
0:34:12 > 0:34:15And as we all know, that's a lie.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I find, guys, if you like it, never put a ring on it. I find.
0:34:23 > 0:34:24I find if you like it,
0:34:24 > 0:34:26put a nice pair of shoes on it every few months.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32And that'll give you a much more regular level of service, I find.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39So I've given up on Beyonce.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41I've basically replaced Beyonce with Rihanna,
0:34:41 > 0:34:42because obviously Rihanna...
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- Any Rihanna fans in? - WHOOPING
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Rihanna, of course, much more wholesome.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52No, she is. A lot of people don't know this, but Rihanna,
0:34:52 > 0:34:54very good to her family, very nice to her grandmother.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Most people don't know but her biggest hit, she actually
0:34:57 > 0:35:00wrote that after visiting her grandmother in the nursing home.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03# Ooh, Nana, what's my name?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07# Oh, Nana, what's my name?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09"What... What's my name?
0:35:09 > 0:35:12"Hello? Nana? What's my name, Nana?"
0:35:18 > 0:35:20But Nana didn't know her name.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Cos they'd just given her her medication.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29We love a knee-jerk reaction in this country,
0:35:29 > 0:35:32they were talking about whether, you know...
0:35:32 > 0:35:34How are we going to prevent trouble next time round?
0:35:34 > 0:35:38And we said, we'll shut down Twitter and BBM.
0:35:38 > 0:35:43Great, put us up there with Syria and Saudi Arabia.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44That's good work, isn't it?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Well, I've got a better idea.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50Next time there's any trouble, we'll just get onto the phone companies
0:35:50 > 0:35:53and ask them to only forward texts that are spelt properly
0:35:53 > 0:35:55and are grammatically correct.
0:35:55 > 0:35:57That's... I'm thinking...
0:36:01 > 0:36:05..I'm thinking that might thin the crowd down a little bit.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09It'll just be Joan Bakewell and Stephen Fry outside the Apple store.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16"Stephen, who does this iPad belong to?"
0:36:16 > 0:36:20"No, no, Joan, I think you'll find
0:36:20 > 0:36:24"it's to whom does this iPad belong?"
0:36:26 > 0:36:28But we've basically given up,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31we've given up on spelling, we've given up on mental arithmetic.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33I saw Wayne Rooney on the TV
0:36:33 > 0:36:34a few weeks ago.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Wayne Rooney said, "The lads gave 150%."
0:36:42 > 0:36:43No, Wayne, that's...
0:36:43 > 0:36:47they can't give 150%, that's kind of not possible,
0:36:47 > 0:36:50it's like, who's going to take Wayne aside
0:36:50 > 0:36:53and explain that in terms that Wayne understands?
0:36:54 > 0:36:57You can't have more than 100%, Wayne, you've 150...
0:36:57 > 0:37:01It's like having two hookers in your room
0:37:01 > 0:37:03and trying to shag three of them, Wayne.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04It's, um...
0:37:04 > 0:37:08AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:37:12 > 0:37:15I love David Cameron's answer to the trouble.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19David Cameron, to prevent social unrest next time round, he says,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22"We need to encourage more marriage."
0:37:22 > 0:37:25That's the solution for all our problems in this country.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28To prevent antisocial behaviour,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31random acts of violence and binge drinking - more marriage.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Is he the only man in this country that hasn't seen
0:37:35 > 0:37:38My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? It's...
0:37:42 > 0:37:44For me, it's amazing what you get away with
0:37:44 > 0:37:46when you give something a cuddly title -
0:37:46 > 0:37:48My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding -
0:37:48 > 0:37:52and really, what the programme makers mean by that is,
0:37:52 > 0:37:55"Let's watch pikeys on the piss."
0:37:55 > 0:37:58That's kind of...
0:37:58 > 0:38:01That's kind of why we watch it.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03The programme makers say, "No, no.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05"These programmes are a social study
0:38:05 > 0:38:08"into the individual and cultural differences within the UK."
0:38:09 > 0:38:13So that's why the advert for Seven Dwarves features a two-foot man
0:38:13 > 0:38:17trying to get a book off a six-foot shelf, is that right?
0:38:17 > 0:38:19We all know what these shows mean,
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Big Fat Gypsy Wedding - laugh at pikeys,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24The Only Way Is Essex - laugh at chavs...
0:38:27 > 0:38:31- AUDIENCE: Ooh!- Um...
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Geordie Shore - laugh at chavs with no coats.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Made in Chelsea - laugh at wankers!
0:38:45 > 0:38:49AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Seven Dwarves - laugh at midgets,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Embarrassing Bodies - laugh at people with odd-shaped testicles,
0:38:55 > 0:38:57that's basically it.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04Has the word "embarrassing" changed since I was small?
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Cos when I had a pimple on my nose,
0:39:07 > 0:39:10I wasn't going to school for two days, and apparently now
0:39:10 > 0:39:13if you've got balls the size of a space hopper
0:39:13 > 0:39:14or labia like elephant's ears...
0:39:19 > 0:39:22..you go on TV and show everybody, that's...
0:39:22 > 0:39:23"What's that?
0:39:23 > 0:39:25"Oh, I'm mortified! Oh!
0:39:27 > 0:39:29"Don't look. Get a close-up. I'm mortified!"
0:39:37 > 0:39:41We've basically lost our sense of collective shame.
0:39:41 > 0:39:46That's kind of what's happened, isn't it? I'm totally confused.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49When I get a girl's phone number, I don't know whether to call her
0:39:49 > 0:39:54and ask her to dinner or just text her a picture of my cock.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01When? When did that become a chat-up line? That's what I want to know.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05Eh? The day that a man had the technical ability
0:40:05 > 0:40:08to send a picture of his penis to another woman,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12that's the day romance died for me, it really is.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Who knows, maybe that's what Alexander Graham Bell
0:40:18 > 0:40:22had in mind all those years ago back in 1876
0:40:22 > 0:40:26in his Boston laboratory when he invented the telephone.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28"Alexander, to be able to speak to another person
0:40:28 > 0:40:32by means of an electrical cable in another room is the future."
0:40:33 > 0:40:34"No, no."
0:40:38 > 0:40:40"The future is that one day,
0:40:40 > 0:40:46"footballers will communicate with prostitutes solely by this device,
0:40:46 > 0:40:50"by texting pictures of their penises.
0:40:50 > 0:40:56"Or peni. Or whatever the plural for penises is."
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Ah, footballers.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03I tell you, I feel sorry for George Best, that's who I feel sorry for.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Could you imagine the damage that George Best would've done
0:41:06 > 0:41:09with a mobile phone, eh?
0:41:09 > 0:41:13There wouldn't have been a woman safe.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16If George ever wanted to send a picture of his cock,
0:41:16 > 0:41:18he'd have had to call up David Bailey,
0:41:18 > 0:41:20organise a photo shoot in the kitchen,
0:41:20 > 0:41:22take the film down to Boots the chemist,
0:41:22 > 0:41:24find out the girl's address
0:41:24 > 0:41:27and then hand-deliver it in an A4 brown envelope
0:41:27 > 0:41:29with "Do not bend" put on the front.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Technology has ruined romance.
0:41:36 > 0:41:40We're in contact 24 hours a day. We never have to say goodbye.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42There's no "adieu," there's no "farewell,"
0:41:42 > 0:41:45there's no "when will I see you again?"
0:41:45 > 0:41:48All the love songs have been ruined.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52# I'm leaving on a jet plane
0:41:52 > 0:41:55# Don't know when I'll be back again.... #
0:41:55 > 0:41:58But I'll Skype you.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04It doesn't work. No-one hears it through the grapevine any more.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06# I bet you're wondering how I knew... #
0:42:06 > 0:42:08Actually, I updated my Facebook status. So...
0:42:10 > 0:42:13# I drove all night to get to you... #
0:42:13 > 0:42:16Should've just texted me a picture of your cock
0:42:16 > 0:42:18and saved the petrol money.
0:42:22 > 0:42:23I love that song.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25# I drove all night
0:42:25 > 0:42:27# Crept in your room
0:42:27 > 0:42:30# Is that all right? #
0:42:31 > 0:42:33No, Roy, that's not all right.
0:42:33 > 0:42:37That's not even right if you're Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Folks, you've been fantastic, I've been Patrick Kielty,
0:42:46 > 0:42:49thank you very much, Apollo, good night, thank you, cheers.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Patrick Kielty!
0:43:03 > 0:43:06Have you had a good night, Hammersmith?
0:43:06 > 0:43:08AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:43:08 > 0:43:12- Give it up for Patrick Kielty. - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:43:12 > 0:43:14- And Andi Osho. - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:43:14 > 0:43:16I've been Alan Carr. See you!
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS - Thank you, bye.