0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight, Andy Parsons!
0:00:28 > 0:00:32AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING ..and welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:00:49 > 0:00:50How are we doing? Are we all right?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Cos they say, right, that even though we're in a recession,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00they're saying that the sale of alcohol has gone up
0:01:00 > 0:01:02over the last couple of years...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06- Whoo!- ..as have the sale of pies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11That is the British way to deal with a crisis, isn't it?
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Oh, well, if we're going to be poor, we may as well be fat and pissed.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:25But you could argue there's a lot of people in Britain at the moment
0:01:25 > 0:01:28who have, in fact, got too much money.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29I would personally argue
0:01:29 > 0:01:32anybody who's ever bought the autobiography
0:01:32 > 0:01:34of the talking meerkat,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Aleksandr Orlov...
0:01:37 > 0:01:39..you have too much money.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Anybody who's ever bought glow-in-the-dark loo roll,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46you have too much money.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Anybody who's ever bought
0:01:47 > 0:01:51a cosy sofa blanket with sleeves, called a Slanket...
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Oh, yes, I've got some guilty people in my audience tonight.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04I would also say that anybody who regularly buys Innocent smoothies.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08How expensive are they?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15£2.49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19..and they have the cheek to call them Innocent.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Go to a supermarket, buy a banana.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28It will cost you 20 pence.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Take a big bite, go, mw-mw-mw-mwoo!
0:02:33 > 0:02:37You will just have saved yourself £2.29.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So, in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50we have Ben Brown, Ben Brown from BBC News!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53CHEERING
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Ben, of course, he's been to Chechnya,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58he's been to Iraq,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00he's been to Kosovo, he's been to Afghanistan.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'm guessing he's not going to sign up
0:03:03 > 0:03:05for a second series of Celebrity Coach Trip.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Obviously, we have been in Afghanistan
0:03:09 > 0:03:12coming up for ten years.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And the reason we went into Afghanistan to begin with,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19was we went in with the help of Pakistan to try and find Al-Qaeda.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Now it appears that Al-Qaeda have in fact, left Afghanistan
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and gone to Pakistan,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28but we can't actually go and find them in Pakistan
0:03:28 > 0:03:30because Pakistan is our friend
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and they're still helping us look for them in Afghanistan.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:42 > 0:03:45The government we're currently supporting in Afghanistan,
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Transparency International,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49they reckon that they are the second most corrupt government
0:03:49 > 0:03:51in the world,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53second only to Somalia,
0:03:53 > 0:03:57which, of course, doesn't have a government at all.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Somalia is where the pirates are.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02These pirates who say, "We weren't always pirates.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"We were fishermen, but because we don't have a government,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"a lot of countries took the piss.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"They came and fished in our waters,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"so we realised we had to arm ourselves.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"Then, once we'd armed ourselves,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"we realised we didn't have to do any fishing, any more."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Although you're thinking,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"They could go back to fishing, couldn't they?"
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Let's face it, I don't think too many people
0:04:24 > 0:04:27are going to be doing too much fishing off the coast of Somalia
0:04:27 > 0:04:29for some time to come.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Although, that is the sort of extreme fishing
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I would love to see Robson Green doing.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:40CHEERING
0:04:41 > 0:04:44We'd pay good money, wouldn't we, to see Robson Green
0:04:44 > 0:04:48in a small fishing boat, off the coast of Mogadishu,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52singing at the top of his voice, Unchained Melody?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58But you wonder if some of the things that we've put in place
0:04:58 > 0:04:59to combat terrorism,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01whether these measures are proportional
0:05:01 > 0:05:03to the threat that we actually face.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04The FBI were forced to admit
0:05:04 > 0:05:06that the Times Square bomber in New York -
0:05:06 > 0:05:08they said he was an amateur -
0:05:08 > 0:05:13the reason was, is he had in fact used non-explosive fertiliser.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Yeah, he hadn't created a bomb -
0:05:15 > 0:05:19he'd basically created a garden in the back of his SUV.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24If he'd been a suicide bomber, he'd have pulled the pin on his jacket
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and a little bit of compost would have trickled down his leg.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And even in this country,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34we've had a few problems with the police, haven't we?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36They were criticised for the Raoul Moat killing
0:05:36 > 0:05:39because they'd used two Tasers on him,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42two Tasers that weren't authorised for use.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Turns out, in America, 43 out of 50 states,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Tasers are legal for the police,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48but get this -
0:05:48 > 0:05:51they are also legal for the general public.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Oh, that is incredible, isn't it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I'm grateful they're not legal in this country.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Cos let's face it, if you had one, you'd be tempted, wouldn't you?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Oh, some yob riding his bike on the pavement,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05bumps into somebody - Taser.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Some bloke jumps the queue in Tesco - Taser.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Next door neighbour,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13cat shit in your garden...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Taser.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20God squad knocking on your door, nine o'clock, Sunday morning...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"Can you see the light?"
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"No, but you're about to!"
0:06:25 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:37And we have Nick Knowles, Nick Knowles from DIY SOS in!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40CHEERING
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Nick Knowles, a man I am reliably informed
0:06:43 > 0:06:46is like catnip to menopausal women.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53But a lot of these celebrities,
0:06:53 > 0:06:57they're all taking out super-injunctions now, aren't they?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Andrew Marr confessed he'd had a super-injunction to prevent
0:07:00 > 0:07:03some woman from telling that he was having an affair.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06This woman was a journalist and you're thinking,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09"Surely if you're going to have an affair,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"don't have an affair with somebody who writes for a living.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"Have an affair with Wayne Rooney."
0:07:17 > 0:07:19He's never going to be able to write, is he?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22You're thinking when he's got to sign his own name,
0:07:22 > 0:07:26that man has days when he has to check the back of his shirt...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29..and even then, he writes down "10".
0:07:32 > 0:07:34APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:40But you'd hope, wouldn't you...?
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I guess celebrities, like everybody, just want to be happy
0:07:44 > 0:07:47and I always think I would love Adele to be happy.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52Adele, she's had two award-winning albums, 19 and 21,
0:07:52 > 0:07:5421 - a lot of you I'm sure have got it -
0:07:54 > 0:07:57best-selling album in the world this year
0:07:57 > 0:08:00and you listen to it and you think, "I'm not sure she is happy."
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Track number one - Rolling In The Deep.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07She and a bloke, they could have had it all,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09but sadly they haven't.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Moving on to track number two - Rumour Has It.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16We find out why she's not had a great time with her bloke -
0:08:16 > 0:08:20cos her bloke has pissed off with somebody else
0:08:20 > 0:08:22and they now have it all.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25So then it's track number three, Turning Tables.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29She and her bloke, they're at war,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32but she doesn't know what they're fighting for.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Well, I'm guessing they're fighting
0:08:34 > 0:08:37cos he's pissed off with another woman.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39So track number four, Don't You Remember?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43No, he doesn't remember, because he's not there, cos he's pissed off.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48So track number five - she decides she's so unhappy
0:08:48 > 0:08:49she sets fire to the rain.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Only thing is the rain burns and she starts crying.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Track number six - He Won't Go.
0:08:56 > 0:09:02Fairly self-explanatory - he went, now he's come back, how he won't go.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Track number seven, Take It All -
0:09:04 > 0:09:07now he has gone, but he's taken it all.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Track number eight, I'll Be Waiting.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Yes, so he went, he came back,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15he wouldn't go, he's taken it all,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17now he's pissed off again
0:09:17 > 0:09:20and she's waiting for him to come back.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Track number nine, One And Only -
0:09:23 > 0:09:26she has decided that he is the one and only.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Sadly, he's not decided that she is the one and only,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33because he's not there, cos he's pissed off.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38So track number ten, Love Song - you're thinking this sounds better,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40then you listen to the lyrics...
0:09:40 > 0:09:44"Oh, whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel fun again
0:09:44 > 0:09:48"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel young again."
0:09:48 > 0:09:50You're thinking, "She's only 21!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"How young does this bloke make her feel?!"
0:09:55 > 0:09:58It seems she's finally found somebody,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00only she's found a sodding paedophile!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:11So you've come to the last track on the album,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Someone Like You.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17This bloke has gone and married somebody else,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19so she wants to find somebody like him.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23This is the bloke who she fought a war with,
0:10:23 > 0:10:28made her cry, left her, came back, wouldn't go, took everything,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31then went, married somebody else,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and made her dress like an 11-year-old!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Surely she should write a track,
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Somebody Never Like You Ever, Ever Again -
0:10:41 > 0:10:44After 12 Songs, I've Learned Me Sodding Lesson!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:54 > 0:10:56But things can change very quickly.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58If things are going well,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and I hope they are, things can change very quickly.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02A lot of people in Britain
0:11:02 > 0:11:04thought the volcanic ash crisis was bullshit.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Turns out it's a very real phenomenon.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Happened over Indonesia, a big ash cloud,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11British Airways flight went through it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And basically, there is a transcript
0:11:14 > 0:11:18of what the pilot came on the Tannoy and said to the passengers,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20cos all four engines had stopped.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23This is the transcript -
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"Hello, this is your captain speaking.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"I'm afraid all four engines have stopped.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"We're doing our damnedest to restart them.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"I hope you're not in too much distress."
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Imagine you'd been on that flight,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41imagine what would have been going through your head -
0:11:41 > 0:11:42"My goodness me!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"I wasn't in too much distress until you come on the Tannoy!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"I knew it was quiet but I didn't know why!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"If you were going to come on the Tannoy,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"the best thing you could have done was just to continuously go..."
0:11:55 > 0:11:59IMITATES SOUND OF AN ENGINE
0:12:05 > 0:12:09We have, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Duncan MP in tonight.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Well, I have to say,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I think it's very brave of an MP to turn up.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I'm quite surprised, obviously, that an MP should turn up
0:12:22 > 0:12:24to a gig with free tickets,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28cos it's not like they can even claim it on expenses, is it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:36 > 0:12:41It will be, it will be a first for the Hammersmith Apollo, though.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Not the fact that they have an MP in here,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47but it'll be the first time it's been designated as a second home.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Tina Fey, when she was ridiculing Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59they said, "How'd you come up with your material?"
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and she said, "Well, basically I just repeat what Sarah Palin said
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"and people laugh."
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And you're thinking, that's the ultimate, isn't it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Getting politicians to write your material for you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Got to be worth a go.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16We have a Work & Pensions Minister called Chris Grayling.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19He recently said, when asked about the benefits cap
0:13:19 > 0:13:21the coalition are thinking of introducing,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24he said, "It won't lead to any homelessness,
0:13:24 > 0:13:29"but it may lead to individual cases of housing mobility."
0:13:29 > 0:13:31LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:32David Cameron,
0:13:32 > 0:13:36when he was asked about drugs in the Bullingdon Club and rioting,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39he said, "It didn't matter what I got up to at university,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43"I didn't know I was going in to politics."
0:13:43 > 0:13:46And you're thinking, he must have had a reasonable idea,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49because at university he studied politics.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53And Nick Clegg said,
0:13:53 > 0:13:54"I need to say this -
0:13:54 > 0:13:59"you shouldn't trust any government, actually, including this one."
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Now, after the tuition fees, I think he's on fairly safe ground there.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07People saying that the tuition fees
0:14:07 > 0:14:09will lead to a two-tier university system.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11That is, of course, to say
0:14:11 > 0:14:14we don't already have a two-tier university system.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You can usually tell from the name, can't you?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19If it's a major city followed by the word, "University,"
0:14:19 > 0:14:21it tends to be top-tier, doesn't it?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Whereas, if it's the name of an area,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26or got the name of a person,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29or the word, "Metropolitan" in it...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32All I'm saying is, you hear somebody is off
0:14:32 > 0:14:37to the West of Cumbria John Brookes Metropolitan University,
0:14:37 > 0:14:41you think there's a fair chance they're doing Media Studies.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:48 > 0:14:50In America, they have the rise
0:14:50 > 0:14:53of the Christian fundamentalist right
0:14:53 > 0:14:55in the form of the Tea Party
0:14:55 > 0:14:59or as they otherwise like to be known as...Tea-Baggers.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Tea-bagging means something very different over here.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I can't wait for Sarah Palin to arrive in Britain and go,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Hello, I'm a Tea-Bagger."
0:15:12 > 0:15:14APPLAUSE
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Some of you clapping,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22some of you may have to have that one explained to you
0:15:22 > 0:15:24at the end of the show.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29For those of you who don't know much about the Tea Party,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32there is a woman called Christine O'Donnell.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Now, Google her, she is hilarious.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38She is often on Fox TV, comes out with some great statements,
0:15:38 > 0:15:44things like, "Masturbation is sinful and the equivalent of adultery."
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And the thing is, she's actually quite fit.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53So I wonder how many people in America
0:15:53 > 0:15:56are watching her on the telly, cracking one off...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02..and trying to justify it as an act of political rebellion.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Cos I have noticed there seems to have been
0:16:10 > 0:16:12a rise of super-wanking recently.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Auto-asphyxiation,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16wanking and strangling.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I mean, who takes their trousers down for a wank,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22sees the belt around their ankles
0:16:22 > 0:16:24and thinks, "Sod it, that's doing nothing at the moment.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28"I think I'll strangle myself with that"?
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Who's done the research?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Who said starving yourself of oxygen was going to make things better?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I have held my breath under water at a swimming baths,
0:16:36 > 0:16:40but let me tell you, it never gave me a ginormous stiffy...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43..for which I am grateful.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I think if I was having a wank and I started strangling,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I think it'd put me off the wank.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I'm not great at multitasking as it is.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I think if I was wanking and strangling,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01I'd be worried I was doing too much strangling and not enough wanking.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I don't think it'd help when people say,
0:17:03 > 0:17:04"It don't matter if it goes wrong -
0:17:04 > 0:17:06"you'll die with a smile on your face."
0:17:06 > 0:17:07I don't think you would.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I think you'd die with a look of sheer panic on your face
0:17:11 > 0:17:13going, "I knew that was too tight!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"This isn't how I want me mother to remember me!"
0:17:18 > 0:17:21APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I've made myself giggle, I can only apologise.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30It came a bit out of left field, didn't it?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33From politics to smut in one easy leap.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37All of that talk...
0:17:37 > 0:17:41makes me think of relaxing back in my dressing room.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:49If I should not come out after the second act,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51if you could please tell my family it was merely
0:17:51 > 0:17:52an experiment for comedy purposes...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Maybe I'll just have a drink.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09So...it is time for our first act.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Ladies and gents, would you please welcome
0:18:11 > 0:18:14the fantastic Andrew Lawrence!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Hi, thank you very much.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32A lovely, warm welcome.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34How nice to be here.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Never quite sure how to start one of these gigs, to be honest.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40My agent says, "Andrew, always smile when you walk on stage,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44"because you have got quite a scary face.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47"If you don't smile, Andrew,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"you look like you're going to physically assault someone."
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I said, "Well, that is true, but sadly if I do smile
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"I look like I'm going to sexually assault someone."
0:18:55 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:00It's not really any better, is it?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Well done for coming out tonight.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03It's important, isn't it,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06to go out, have a little bit of fun, enjoy life?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Life is hard.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Some people struggle, don't they?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Some people are having a hard time, they can't really cope,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14they can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16In many respects, that serves them right.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19If you're in a tunnel and there's no light at the end,
0:19:19 > 0:19:20that's a cave, dickhead!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:34You need to turn around and walk out the same way you came in.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It's a hard world.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38There's too much rudeness in the world! I had...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41this kid came up to me in the supermarket,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43he's about ten years old, cocky,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46flapping a Bag For Life in my face.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49He said, "Oi, mate, will this bag last for the whole of my life?"
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"I don't know, my little friend.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"Why don't you put it over your head for three or four minutes?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"I'm sure we'll find out!"
0:19:59 > 0:20:01There's a lot of rudeness in the world.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I don't like this word "banter" that people use increasingly.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I hear people using the word banter, I don't like it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09It's a word people use as an excuse
0:20:09 > 0:20:14for behaving in an unacceptable, inappropriate manner, like,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"Barry, your little boy's just locked himself in the toilet.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19"It's his eighth birthday, he's crying his eyes out,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"what have you said to him?"
0:20:21 > 0:20:22"I told him he was adopted, mate."
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"Why did you do that, Barry?"
0:20:24 > 0:20:25"Just a bit of banter."
0:20:26 > 0:20:31It's not really, it is? It's a singular display of insensitivity,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34a total disregard for the feelings of other people.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36"You're contributing nothing to society, Barry,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39"you're bringing no happiness into the world whatsoever.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42"We'd all be better off if you were dead."
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"That's a bit harsh, mate."
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"Not really, Barry, just a bit of banter, isn't it?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- "Just a bit of..." - APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Hard world. Too many people, isn't there?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Too many people in the world, I think.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58We're all getting in each other's way, all the time.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I was in the car the other day,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03there were a load of slow-moving cars in front of me -
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I thought, "How is it possible people could be driving this slowly?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10"Even if you were just out for a leisurely jaunt,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12"you would still be driving quicker than this.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16"Driving this slowly requires genuine mental effort,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"physical restraint.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"They must be doing it on purpose just to aggravate me."
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I'm shouting, I'm angry, I've got my family in the car,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26they're getting upset, like, "Shut up, Andrew,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29"you're ruining grandad's funeral procession!"
0:21:38 > 0:21:42We're all working so hard, aren't we? Everything is so expensive.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46I went to the dentist recently - I paid £60 for a filling.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47That's expensive, isn't it?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49A Spanish dentist, of all things.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I'd never heard of such a thing.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I didn't even know such things existed.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- IN HISPANIC ACCENT:- "Open wide." "I'm opening wide."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Open a leetle bit wider."
0:21:58 > 0:21:59"This is very wide."
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"Open wider." "My face is splitting now."
0:22:04 > 0:22:07I can't really do Spanish, so I've made him Mexican.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"I'm going to drill a leetle hole in one of your teeth.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"It is going to be uncomfortable and embarrassing.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14"You're going to feel your whole skull
0:22:14 > 0:22:17"rattling around inside your head.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"It's only going to take six or seven meenutes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23"Then you're going to pay me the equivalent of a whole day's wages
0:22:23 > 0:22:26"for someone who works in a motorway service station."
0:22:26 > 0:22:28"Shall we begi-i-i-in?"
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"Yes, why not? I can't think of a better way
0:22:31 > 0:22:35"to spend my time and money. Seriously, £60 for a filling?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38"If it's any cheaper, just go ahead and knock the whole tooth out.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42"I'll stick some Lego in there or something."
0:22:42 > 0:22:43He's honest as well.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47That's the last thing I want from a dentist, honesty.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49"Thees is going to be excruciating.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53"This will be the worse pain you have ever felt in your life.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"I am going to scrape the scrape-y instrument all along your gums.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"You are going to scream and cry like a leetle girl.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"I am going to laugh in your face."
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- TO MELODY OF "La Cucaracha": - "Ha-ha-ha ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha ha-ha!"
0:23:05 > 0:23:07APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:13You've got to go to the dentist, haven't you, from time to time?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You've got to do these things, you've got to keep up appearances.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Got to be presentable.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Quite a well turned-out audience, well-dressed people.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I like to see that.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I try and make an effort if I'm on the telly,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25but a lot of the time I buy my clothes
0:23:25 > 0:23:27from the cheap discount shops.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29People say, "Andrew, that's unethical.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"Don't buy your clothes from those cheap discount shops.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"All those clothes have been made by Indonesian orphans
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"in sweatshop conditions."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I don't want to sound harsh, but I couldn't really give a hoot,
0:23:40 > 0:23:44because I remember when I was 11 years old - every Wednesday morning,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I was forced to get up at the crack of dawn,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49go to school, double physics in the morning,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51maths and geography before lunch,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54in the afternoon, they forced me to play rugby for two and a half hours,
0:23:54 > 0:23:55my head in a scrum,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59some chunky fat kid's arm up between my legs grabbing my bits and pieces.
0:23:59 > 0:24:0315 stinky, grizzled...trying to sit on top of me, break my back?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Compared to that, the way I see it,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08a little bit of shoe stitching seems positively enticing!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15APPLAUSE
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I've got to try and be presentable. I don't think I'm a vain person.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I'd quite like to have a beard.
0:24:20 > 0:24:2431 years old now and I can't grow a beard. That's pathetic, isn't it?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Pathetic and I haven't got much in the way of body hair.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I've got the basics, upstairs, downstairs, but...
0:24:30 > 0:24:33In some ways it's a good thing, isn't it? A ginger, pasty man -
0:24:33 > 0:24:37too much body hair just looks like someone's tramped on a Scotch egg.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I don't really... I don't really like the hairdresser either,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I don't like the hairdresser.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I don't like all the chit-chat you get at the hairdresser.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Last time I went to the hairdresser, I thought I'd go to the posh one.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55At least if I go to a posh hairdresser,
0:24:55 > 0:24:56I won't get all the chit-chat.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57It was even worse.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00It was all I could manage just to get past the reception.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02There are about 30 people in this place
0:25:02 > 0:25:05doing the same job with different job titles.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"Who would you like to see? The stylish, junior stylist,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10"senior stylist, style director,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"creative director, artistic director,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"senior director of artistic creation,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"stylistic director of creative assistance?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"Who would you like to see?"
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"Just someone with fingers...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"..and scissors.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26"And a good eye for symmetry."
0:25:28 > 0:25:29"Jackie!"
0:25:31 > 0:25:34This lady's cutting my hair, she's a nice lady,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37but she's asking questions. "What do you do for a living?"
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I couldn't face the truth. I said, "I drive a bus."
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"What bus?" "Just...a big, red bus."
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"What sort of salary are you on?" "An annual one."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I don't like to tell people this is what I do for a living.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I, er, find it quite embarrassing,
0:25:58 > 0:25:59being a comedian.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Some nights I'm on stage and think, "Urgh, why did I do that?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"Why did I say that? What an idiot."
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I suppose life is full of little embarrassments, though, isn't it?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I, er... I farted in a lift one day last week.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11That's embarrassing, isn't it?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It just crept up on me.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17There was a man in the lift, I didn't know him.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20He wouldn't have heard it, but I thought, "For once in my life,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"I'm going to do the decent, honourable thing here.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"I'm going to own up and apologise."
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I said, "I'm really sorry, I've just farted in this lift by accident."
0:26:32 > 0:26:33I wanted him to say,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36"That's all right, mate - better out than in, wahay!"
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Then we'd have a chuckle about it, forget it ever happened.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41That's not what he did.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I said, "I'm really sorry, I've just farted in this lift by accident."
0:26:44 > 0:26:47He said, "Oh, for goodness' sake, can't you control yourself?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:52That's degrading, isn't it? Humiliating.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I was hurt, I was angry, I was upset.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I noticed we still had five floors left to travel.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59I thought, "To hell with it!"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01I squeezed another one out just to spite him.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07WHOOPING
0:27:10 > 0:27:11I like being a comedian.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14It's got its perks, like, who's been at work this week?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Give me a cheer - one, two, three...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- AUDIENCE:- Whay!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Give me a cheer if you get up before seven for work.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Whay!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And if you get up before six for work.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Whay!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Well, I admire that, you know?
0:27:27 > 0:27:28I admire you people.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30That takes self-discipline
0:27:30 > 0:27:32to get up at six every morning for work and I admire it.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I'll be honest with you, I got up at six the other day...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38went for a piss, went back to bed, got up at 11.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44HE GIGGLES
0:27:44 > 0:27:47That's right, applaud my laziness.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Sometimes I set the alarm clock for six, just for a joke.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I'll roll over, have a chuckle, go back to sleep.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Sometimes I put it on snooze, just to tease myself.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01People say, "Andrew, if you never get up before 11,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03"that's a sign of depression."
0:28:03 > 0:28:07"Are you sure? I'll be honest, it makes me feel quite smug and happy."
0:28:08 > 0:28:11You have to get a good night's sleep, don't you? It's important.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I was sharing a bed with a very restless sleeper.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18- That's right, I've got a girlfriend, she's real and...- Whoo!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Patronising, over there.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21She's a very restless sleeper.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24The other night, the middle of the night, she's prodding me,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27shaking me, like, "Psst, Andrew.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30"Psst, Andrew."
0:28:30 > 0:28:33"What? What is it?" "Just going to toilet."
0:28:38 > 0:28:40"Oh, thanks for letting me know.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43"What is it you'd like me to do?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45"You want me to come with you, hold your hand?"
0:28:45 > 0:28:47She goes to toilet, comes back,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49I said, "How was that, was that all right?"
0:28:49 > 0:28:51"Yeah, it was all right, yeah."
0:28:51 > 0:28:54"Did you get rid of everything you needed to get rid of?"
0:28:54 > 0:28:55"Yeah."
0:28:55 > 0:28:58"Flush the toilet?" "No."
0:28:59 > 0:29:01"Why not?" "Didn't want to wake you up."
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Who's having an alcoholic beverage tonight? Give me a cheer.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17- Whay!- Who's not having an alcoholic beverage? Give me a cheer.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18Whay!
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I think we know who sounded happier.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Last time I had a night out, I lost my phone.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29That's aggravating, isn't it? I'm CURSED with mobile phones.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31I don't like them, I've never got on with them.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35I still don't really understand the etiquette of text messaging.
0:29:35 > 0:29:36If someone sends you a text message,
0:29:36 > 0:29:39how long can you leave that message without replying,
0:29:39 > 0:29:40without seeming rude?
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Depends on the message, doesn't it?
0:29:42 > 0:29:44If it's from an old friend,
0:29:44 > 0:29:47"Hey, Andrew, I haven't seen you in ages, let's catch up some time,"
0:29:47 > 0:29:49you could probably leave it about a week.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53But if it's from your gran... "I can't get out of the bath!"
0:29:55 > 0:29:56..you probably can't leave that
0:29:56 > 0:29:59more than two or three days, really, can you? You can't.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Everybody's telling me to get some flashy, expensive mobile phone.
0:30:04 > 0:30:05I don't want one.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07I'm out late at night doing gigs,
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I don't want to carry valuable things around with me...
0:30:10 > 0:30:11in case I get mugged.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13I've got a cheap, rubbish phone.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15That way, if someone comes up to me late at night,
0:30:15 > 0:30:17"Give me your phone, reject!"
0:30:17 > 0:30:20"Certainly, my friend, take it, it's got a two-megapixel camera.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24"Doesn't sound like much, but some people's faces look better blurry."
0:30:25 > 0:30:27"I don't want that rubbish phone."
0:30:27 > 0:30:30"No, take the phone, my friend, it's fully charged!
0:30:30 > 0:30:32"You can get internet on that phone sometimes,
0:30:32 > 0:30:34"if you smack it against a hard surface."
0:30:34 > 0:30:37"I don't want that rubbish phone!"
0:30:37 > 0:30:39"I don't want it either!"
0:30:39 > 0:30:41"It's your phone."
0:30:41 > 0:30:43"I don't want it." "Well, throw it away."
0:30:43 > 0:30:47"You can't throw it away, you've got to recycle these things.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48"You put it in a little bag,
0:30:48 > 0:30:50"you send it to Oxfam,
0:30:50 > 0:30:53"Oxfam put it in a box, they send it halfway around the world
0:30:53 > 0:30:56"to starving people in Africa,
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"starving people in Africa open the box, they say,"
0:30:58 > 0:31:01- AFRICAN ACCENT: - "What the hell is this?"
0:31:01 > 0:31:04LAUGHTER
0:31:05 > 0:31:08"I don't want this crappy phone.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15"I thought this box would have a cake in it.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19"This is a bad day for me.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25"What is this text message?
0:31:25 > 0:31:27" 'Gran: I can't get out of the bath.' "
0:31:27 > 0:31:29LAUGHTER
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a privilege tonight.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Thank you very much, have a wonderful evening, good night!
0:31:35 > 0:31:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Andrew Lawrence!
0:31:45 > 0:31:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
0:31:52 > 0:31:57the master of the one-liner, Mr Milton Jones!
0:31:57 > 0:32:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:19 > 0:32:20So, good evening!
0:32:22 > 0:32:24CHEERING
0:32:24 > 0:32:26Somewhere...
0:32:26 > 0:32:28between murder...
0:32:29 > 0:32:31..and suicide...
0:32:32 > 0:32:34..there is a place called...
0:32:34 > 0:32:35Merseyside.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39LAUGHTER
0:32:39 > 0:32:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Tell me, does anyone here own a cat?
0:32:49 > 0:32:51- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:32:51 > 0:32:52Your houses stink.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Someone's got to tell 'em.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Some people like cats, some don't.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20I was reading the other day, apparently the Pope...
0:33:20 > 0:33:21he's a cataholic.
0:33:38 > 0:33:39Catholic.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50I've had an interesting job recently.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53I pretended to be a Spanish dentist.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Thanks, that doesn't normally work.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12They said about me, that I was too immature to be a father,
0:34:12 > 0:34:15but when I saw the first few seconds of my son's life,
0:34:15 > 0:34:17- I thought to myself... - HE LAUGHS
0:34:19 > 0:34:20.."He's naked!"
0:34:26 > 0:34:29When my daughter was born she had jaundice,
0:34:29 > 0:34:31so there she was - small, round and...yellow.
0:34:33 > 0:34:34We called her Melanie.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38LAUGHTER
0:34:47 > 0:34:49My parents came up last weekend,
0:34:49 > 0:34:51cos I keep them in the cellar.
0:34:56 > 0:34:57That's not true!
0:34:59 > 0:35:00I don't know who they are.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09When I was young, I used to walk through the front door
0:35:09 > 0:35:12and was hit by roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Open the airing cupboard - spaghetti Bolognese all over me.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17We literally didn't know where the next meal was coming from.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27My grandparents, their names are Pearl and Dean.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Of course, we just know them as
0:35:30 > 0:35:35gran and grandpapa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Any students here?
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Whoo!
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Your houses stink.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Someone's got to tell 'em.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05Don't talk to me about unemployment -
0:36:05 > 0:36:08I come from a tiny fishing village in Derbyshire.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18I worked... It's not near the sea.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32I worked as a doctor for the World Health Organization.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35I didn't mean to, I thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42You know, when you're in a relationship...
0:36:44 > 0:36:45..what's that like?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51HE GUFFAWS
0:36:51 > 0:36:54I always imagined going out with a girl who was, you know...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58..deformed.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08A girl came up to me the other day and she said, "You know,
0:37:08 > 0:37:11"you can tell someone's personality by what kind of car they drive."
0:37:11 > 0:37:14I said, "I'm going to stop you there - I haven't got one."
0:37:21 > 0:37:24I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down on the pedal.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36So, sisters, you know you really like that song, It's Raining Men?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Is that cos you really love men?
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Or you love the idea of them all
0:37:40 > 0:37:44falling out of the sky, going splat on the ground really hard?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46- Whoo!- Maybe it's cos you like the idea of them
0:37:46 > 0:37:49going splat on the ground really hard -
0:37:49 > 0:37:50is that cos you really hate men?
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Or you love the idea of cleaning up?
0:37:54 > 0:37:57LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:37:57 > 0:37:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Recently on a flight to America, all the way across my wife was going,
0:38:07 > 0:38:09"Why don't you get an upgrade?
0:38:09 > 0:38:12"Why don't you get an upgrade?"
0:38:12 > 0:38:14Took a bit of time, but in the end I got a better wife.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23In America, you can be who you want to be.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25In fact, taxi drivers meet you at the airport
0:38:25 > 0:38:27with suggestions on pieces of card.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37I decided to be Professor Aaron Leibowitz.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47I was whisked across town to address a conference on clinical psychology.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50Briefly.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55When I was in America, I really got into the culture.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57I went into the shop and a guy said, "Have a nice day!"
0:38:57 > 0:38:59and I didn't, so I sued him.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06During the course of conversation,
0:39:06 > 0:39:09he said the phrase, "Well, you do the math."
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I said, "Don't you mean, 'You do the maths?'
0:39:12 > 0:39:15"That word is five letters, not four."
0:39:15 > 0:39:17He said, "What's the difference?" I said, "One."
0:39:23 > 0:39:24"You do the math...
0:39:25 > 0:39:27"..ssss."
0:39:33 > 0:39:35I've just come back from China.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo! - Thanks, it's great to be back.
0:39:43 > 0:39:44Saw the Great Wall of China.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Actually, I closed my eyes, cos recently I read a book,
0:39:47 > 0:39:51Ten Things You Have To See Before You Die and I'd seen the other nine.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Didn't want to take any chances.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Got on a train to Newcastle the other day.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07A guard came on and said,
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- GEORDIE ACCENT: - "When we arrive, it will be 1938."
0:40:18 > 0:40:19Time travel!
0:40:21 > 0:40:24We were a bit late, though, we arrived in the mid '70s.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Don't get me wrong, I love Geordies,
0:40:31 > 0:40:33but they're always looking for similes, aren't they?
0:40:33 > 0:40:35"I was walking down the road, like."
0:40:40 > 0:40:43APPLAUSE
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Anyone here from up north?
0:40:47 > 0:40:48- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Your houses stink.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54LAUGHTER
0:40:54 > 0:40:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Can't believe you fell for that.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08People from up north tend to be a bit depressed.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Grand Old Duke of York - manic depressive.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Well, when he was up, he was up...
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Those reward cards are rubbish, aren't they?
0:41:22 > 0:41:26I got too many points on one of them and now I'm not allowed to drive.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Well, it's nice to have been here.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Some of us have been able to share our joy by laughing out loud.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40- AUDIENCE MEMBER CACKLES - Like that.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42LAUGHTER
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Others by staring.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49To be fair, one or two of you have been smirking.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53Well, enjoy that while you can, cos they've banned smoking and smacking.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00Any aromatherapists here?
0:42:00 > 0:42:02TWO AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER
0:42:02 > 0:42:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Shame, I had something for that.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20I've just come back from Ireland.
0:42:20 > 0:42:21Whoo!
0:42:21 > 0:42:24It's great to be back.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Went into a pub there, no-one would talk to me,
0:42:28 > 0:42:31the beer was flat and they'd just stopped serving food.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Anyway, it turns out it was one of those English theme pubs.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43That's all from me. Thank you very much. Good night!
0:42:45 > 0:42:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:58 > 0:43:01Please give it up for the two acts you've seen tonight -
0:43:01 > 0:43:03Andrew Lawrence...
0:43:03 > 0:43:05CHEERING
0:43:05 > 0:43:07..and Milton Jones.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09CHEERING
0:43:09 > 0:43:11I've been Andy Parsons.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Thank you very much. Good night.