0:00:18 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rich Hall!
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Yeah!
0:00:40 > 0:00:46Hello. Oh, look at it! I can already see it on your faces.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49"Oh, great an American hosting the show.
0:00:49 > 0:00:55"Is there no end to what these assholes will try to pull off next?!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58"Is he capable? Can he pull it off?"
0:00:58 > 0:01:02You're damn right I can!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18Comedy is important, ladies and gentlemen. Americans are always,
0:01:18 > 0:01:23"Hey, Rich, I hear those Londoners have a dry sense of humour."
0:01:23 > 0:01:29Well, they're pretty wet right now, what do you mean dry sense of humour? What they have is a sense of humour!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31You understand? Americans love to laugh.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33There's a difference between a sense of humour
0:01:33 > 0:01:37and the ability to laugh, that's why I'm in London, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Where you put up with shit every day of your life. Is there not a day you
0:01:45 > 0:01:49don't wake up in London and go what shit is going to befall me today?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52What's going to happen that I didn't see coming in a million years?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Oh, look, there's a homeless guy urinating into a spray bottle
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and cleaning a wind screen with a head of lettuce.
0:01:57 > 0:02:04Well, I didn't see that coming. That's London, 13 million people.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09You know London has a mayor, did you know that?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Two of them. You got two mayors?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Some people get heckles I get footnotes.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19You're telling me London has two mayors?
0:02:19 > 0:02:24One, a big, pudgy, pasty-faced, bicycle-riding slug
0:02:24 > 0:02:31named Boris who shows up at the riots, "I urge you to stop." Urge?
0:02:31 > 0:02:35When did that become a political tactic?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Urge! Fellas, Operation Urge isn't working, we're going to swap
0:02:39 > 0:02:43to plan B, Operation Pretty Pretty Please With A Cherry On Top.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45PC Johnson, go around back
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and distract them with some good natured ribbing,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49that'll stop them!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Then the Met Police say, "Don't incite these looters!"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55They're already looting!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57If you want to incite them, offer them
0:02:57 > 0:03:01a warranty on the TV they're stealing, that's how you incite them.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09This litany of abuse and what caused the riot? What caused the riot?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13"I blame the prisons. I blame education, I blame the broken society."
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Do you know who I blame? Sony!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Most of them were stealing flat-screen TVs. Sony should be
0:03:20 > 0:03:24cranking out flat screen TVs to every poor bastard on the planet.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29Give them a flat-screen TV, I'll take a flat-screen TV.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31If I offered you a flat-screen TV wouldn't you take it ma'am?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Everyone wants a flat-screen TV.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Don't build council houses, just build four solid walls of HD TV
0:03:38 > 0:03:42with a satellite dish for a roof like a HD wigwam.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47You went up to a poor person and said, "Sir if I gave you
0:03:47 > 0:03:50"the choice, here I could give you a room full of books so you can read.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"Give you night classes to educate yourself
0:03:52 > 0:03:54"and get a job so you can have dignity.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56"Or you can have a flat-screen TV?"
0:03:56 > 0:03:59"I'll take the flat-screen TV, thank you very much."
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"Does it get the Disney Channel?" "Yes, it does."
0:04:01 > 0:04:04"Well then good, cos if I had a job I'd save up the money
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"and get a flat-screen TV."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"So there I've just eliminated the middle man.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"Who's the smart guy now, pig face?"
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I love London for that very reason, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I love doing comedy in Britain, it's that simple, cos Americans,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21you'll be doing great in America, then all of a sudden in the middle
0:04:21 > 0:04:25of nowhere you bring up some topic that pisses some... "Tractors? Did he just say tractors?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"Hey, pal, don't you be making fun of tractors,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"you're treading on my beliefs now."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I said tractors!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Cos Americans don't really have opinions,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39what they have is bumper stickers.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Once you've committed to a bumper sticker there is no
0:04:42 > 0:04:43changing your mind then.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"You want to know what I think about that?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50"Just look at the back of my car and that will much sum up everything you need to know about me!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Walking round the car park looking at backs of cars,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I didn't even know what this guy's car looks like, Jesus.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It must be this one, "Jesus is my airbag."
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Yeah, that's right, Jesus is my airbag,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05have you got any more questions?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09What is Moses your meat thermometer? "Yeah, he is. That's not funny."
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I've seen a bumper sticker in America, I've seen about six times
0:05:12 > 0:05:15and it says, "I'm proud of my gay son."
0:05:15 > 0:05:18That raises more questions than it answers!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21You're thinking, did he win a contest or something?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25What if you're gay? Yes, well be proud of it. Tell the world, whatever you want,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27but when your dad is driving round with a bumper sticker,
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"I'm proud of my gay son," looks like he's taking credit for the whole thing.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Taught that son of a bitch everything he needed to know about being gay!
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Started him out when he was a kid, I said son go out there and make me proud.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I'm talking distance, volume, accuracy - get out there and be gay.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Son of a bitch took to it like a duck to water.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Duck of course being the son and water being cock!
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it, just thinking about it! God bless him!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I never thought I'd be standing on the stage
0:06:04 > 0:06:08and telling you that our president, our wonderful President, who the world loves,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11but Americans are like, "Hey what's going on?"
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"Don't know if it's going to happen for him or not."
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It turns out the audacity of hope wasn't what we were looking for.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21You can't run the whole four years of presidency on the audacity of hope.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Cos hope is a bit desperate, isn't it?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26That's not an economic policy, it's just hope.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Hope is right below wishful thinking and just above performing
0:06:29 > 0:06:32a rain dance, that's where hope is on the scale of activity.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Hope is what you want the weather to be tomorrow.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38So consequently we have what you have
0:06:38 > 0:06:41obviously heard of before, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Tea Party.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45A bunch of bible bashing, tub-thumping, foot-marching, fundamentalist freaks.
0:06:45 > 0:06:51If Satan were to hold a Tupperware party, the Tea Party candidates
0:06:51 > 0:06:54would be demonstrating the products, that's what they are.
0:06:54 > 0:06:59Last month, in the course of 24 hours, two Tea Party candidates
0:06:59 > 0:07:02both announced God had told them to run for president.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04God!
0:07:04 > 0:07:09Who in 2,000 years has appointed one saviour of mankind,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12within one week appointed two different dip wits
0:07:12 > 0:07:14to run for President of the United States!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Anyway, Sarah Palin probably gets the most press,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28because she's the best marksman.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31All the Tea Party candidates like to claim
0:07:31 > 0:07:35that they speak for the average Joe in America,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38just the normal guy the average, struggling Joe.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42First of all, Sarah, you live in Alaska, There's no-one normal in Alaska.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Alaska is full of people running from the Drug Enforcement Agency
0:07:45 > 0:07:49and people that hate humans so much, they thought
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Montana was too crowded and moved to Alaska to touch moose.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56That's who's in Alaska. Oh, we're perfectly... You're not normal!
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Sarah Palin says on a TV show, she's being interviewed -
0:07:59 > 0:08:01she says, "It is perfectly normal in Alaska to
0:08:01 > 0:08:04"open up your front door and see a grizzly bear."
0:08:04 > 0:08:05No, it's not!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Oh, it's perfectly normal to look out the front door and see
0:08:10 > 0:08:13a 12ft carnivore chowing down on the family dog like the last leg
0:08:13 > 0:08:17in a bucket of KFC, nah, see that every day, these are average...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19It's not normal to build your house
0:08:19 > 0:08:21where the carnivore roam, for crying out loud.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And she was asked, "Well what did you do when you saw a grizzly bear?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28"Oh, he was too cute, I couldn't shoot him." Wrong!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30If you think that grizzly bears are cute,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34wait until you meet terrorists, they'll be adorable.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Don't screw with the bears, that's my message.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Bears want to eat you, even the little ones.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Don't give your child a teddy bear, it's sending them the wrong message.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51"Well Yogi and Boo Boo are cute." No! Have you ever looked at Yogi, you know what he's wearing?
0:08:51 > 0:08:56A hat, a tie and a shirt, where did he get that from? I'll tell you where, a victim, that's where!
0:08:56 > 0:09:00He's parading it like a serial killer trophy, reliving every
0:09:00 > 0:09:03moment when he ripped them to shreds, it's not right.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06So after two years, she decided she doesn't want to be
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Governor of Alaska any more. "I'm tired of this."
0:09:08 > 0:09:13And she goes off on a whirlwind trip around the world to study foreign policy.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16She goes to Israel. As if the Jews haven't suffered enough!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Touches the Wailing Wall and then runs away.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Then she goes to New York, where they're building a mosque
0:09:23 > 0:09:25and she looks at it and says that,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"Muslims need to re-fudiate this Mosque."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Even the Muslims are looking at her saying "I don't think that's
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"a word in anyone's language - did you just say re-fudiate?"
0:09:34 > 0:09:38"Yeah, re-fudiate, refude..." "What do you mean re-fute?"
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"No refudiate the Mosque, I said it." It's not a word!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Then she said, "Well, Shakespeare made up words, why can't I?"
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"Cos Shakespeare was a Renaissance genius
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"and you're a dip-shit from Alaska!
0:09:50 > 0:09:54"All right? You can't just make up words."
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I read your biography, I want to be refundiated.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06So that's the thing about comedy, you know.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I could stand here and talk about America and everyone gets it.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12You go to America and everyone is like, "Britain?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"What's going on over there? I heard they have a commulicious government?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"What? Is it commulicious? It's commulicious.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21"It's a commulicious... "Coalition? What is that?"
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And I can't explain, cos I wasn't here during the elections.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27When I left, a guy called Gordon Brown was in office
0:10:27 > 0:10:30and when I came back and the country is being run by the regional manager
0:10:30 > 0:10:33of several Toni & Guy salons...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:37..and his rinse boy Nicky.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"Oh, rinse boy, come over here, Oh, rinse boy!"
0:10:42 > 0:10:44They look like each other, they can't even argue.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48"No, you're Nick Clegg, who's Clegg, did you sell a submarine?"
0:10:48 > 0:10:52"Shut the window, you're letting in immigrants. What's going on?"
0:10:52 > 0:10:55And you have to explain that no-one got a mandate,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58no-one got a majority vote, so they took the guy with the most votes
0:10:58 > 0:11:03and tacked on a little party on the side, a little Frankenstein.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06And it makes perfect sense to Brits, cos you can walk up
0:11:06 > 0:11:09any high street in Britain and you see this shop...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Shoe repair/key cutting.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17You don't really question it, do you? What the hell was someone thinking?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20What kind of a business plan was that?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23That's the stupidest... No, it's perfectly...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25People need shoes and they need extra keys.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29It's a marriage made in Heaven, it's a coalition.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34You probably go in there generally to get your shoes repaired
0:11:34 > 0:11:37and you see the key guy stood there with cobwebs growing off him,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"You need any keys?"
0:11:40 > 0:11:42No, I don't need keys!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I haven't even thought about keys, Why are you here?!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It's a coalition.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52But once a year someone walks on and says
0:11:52 > 0:11:56"I need my shoes repaired...oh I need some extra keys as well!"
0:11:56 > 0:12:00You're just in the back high-fiving, "It's working! Whoo!"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I figured out the answer, ladies and gentlemen, having travelled
0:12:05 > 0:12:08round Britain quite a lot, and the further north you get,
0:12:08 > 0:12:12the more chicken people are consuming,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14and I mean a shitload of chicken.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19I fear for chickens in this country, cos people are eating chicken like nobody's business.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I'm not even sure it's chicken.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I mean, you know, you go round London
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and if you don't get a KFC franchise
0:12:26 > 0:12:30they get any other state and just stick it up on a sign as if,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"That's close enough, Tennessee, I'll take it."
0:12:33 > 0:12:39I walk into Kansas Fried Chicken and all I said was, "Sir, you have
0:12:39 > 0:12:44"captured the great plain spirit in this chicken. How have you done it?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"This great mid-west... How do you do it, Ahmed? How do you?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51"I can taste Eisenhower in your chicken." Turfed me right out.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53No sense of humour, these chicken restaurant owners.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So I was up north doing a show and it was a Sunday night,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01nowhere to eat. Nowhere. So the entire crowd leave and then
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I run into them all at a place called Kenturkey Fried Chicken.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09They haven't even tried there! It just confuses you all even more.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Kenturkey? Is it Kentuckey mis-spelled?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Or is it Turkey made by Ken?! Kluckey, Klurkey?
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Kluckey! There was a line around! I don't know what they're putting
0:13:21 > 0:13:24in the chicken. Holy shit, a queue around the block
0:13:24 > 0:13:30waiting for Kenturkey Fried... Two bouncers in suits.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Bouncers at a chicken takeaway restaurant?!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36What kind of people are they turning away?
0:13:36 > 0:13:43"Sir, you do not meet the criteria to enter this establishment and eat your dinner out of a bucket.
0:13:44 > 0:13:50"Now move along, go down the street where they drop it from the third floor, go on."
0:13:50 > 0:13:54So, um, to sum it up, ladies and gentlemen, because people
0:13:54 > 0:13:57always ask me, "Rich, is it really better in Britain for comedy?'
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and I think it is, yeah, I'm not blowing smoke up your ass,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I'm just telling you it's better. It's a better place, because you do,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08you have a sense of humour, that's why you came out tonight.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Oh, he's buttering us up for the kill!
0:14:13 > 0:14:18No, I'm serious, cos listen, in America, we don't have
0:14:18 > 0:14:24this broken society, you know, we don't have that yet.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28That came out completely wrong, didn't it? What ya telling us now?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I'm just quoting something in the newspaper.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Broken society, I don't even know what that means.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Is society broken, fella? Is your society broken?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36A little bit.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41A little bit. Well, that's not broken that's just damaged, isn't it?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Where you from?- Twickenham.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Twickenham. Oh, well no more questions, Your Honour.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53You get back to your rugby. What do you do in Twickenham?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- I'm a teacher.- A teacher?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58See this is a man who's not interested in broken society.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02He's interested in making children's futures better. God bless you. That's so much better than what I do.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I just tell jokes, don't I? What do you learn from that?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Nothing! The world is evil, I can't fix it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I'm not a faith healer, am I?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17The thing I've learnt from watching idiots like Gaddafi,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19and I say idiot.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22The man is a dictator and he only made himself Colonel, what does that tell you?
0:15:29 > 0:15:34In America, you can put chicken in a bucket, and you're a colonel!
0:15:36 > 0:15:41- But what I tell you what I've learnt, fella - what's your name?- Peter.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Peter, I have learnt from watching these tyrants that maybe
0:15:44 > 0:15:48the term human shield is not being used to its best advantage.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49It's usually used in a negative light.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53"Oh, he's going to take human shields". I found as a comedian,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55quite often when you hit these situations where people have
0:15:55 > 0:15:58been here for a while, you're about to hit a wall, they're hot,
0:15:58 > 0:15:59tired, a little restless -
0:15:59 > 0:16:02that's when the human shield comes in to play.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04You understand what I mean, Peter?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I'm going to tell you what I mean. Get over here. Get over here, Peter.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You don't have a choice, Peter.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16CHEERING
0:16:16 > 0:16:20You are my human shield, friend, march right up here.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23There are some people here who want to hurt me.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I'm going to be right behind you the whole time. Turn this way, so I can...
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Broader target. Here you go, Peter. Do you have a sweetheart, Peter?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"Yeah, my girlfriend."
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Could you say that with a bit more world weariness?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41All right, Peter, you take the mike. I just want you to read what I prepared for you.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Say it right and then no-one gets hurt, you understand what I'm saying?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Pretend your girlfriend's not here and you're having to phone home.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Take the mike, watch the technique.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Hello, honey. No, everything's fine,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58it's just that I'm going to be a little late getting home.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Why?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Well, I've run into a little situation here at the Apollo.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Rich Hall? Yes, he is a very funny man.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Well, he is currently using me as a human shield.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Isn't that wild?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Who would ever thought...your name... would find myself here on stage?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You should have prepared it a bit better
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- and then it would have said Peter there already!- All right!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I, Peter, find myself on stage here as Rich Hall's hostage,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44leading the audience in a rousing sing-a-long.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Who doesn't love the late John Denver sing-a-long, everyone?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08# Almost heaven
0:18:08 > 0:18:10CHEERING DROWNS HIM OUT
0:18:10 > 0:18:11# West Virginia
0:18:14 > 0:18:19# Blue Ridge mountains
0:18:19 > 0:18:21# Shenandoah River
0:18:24 > 0:18:28# Life is older
0:18:28 > 0:18:31# Older than the trees
0:18:31 > 0:18:34# Younger than the mountains
0:18:34 > 0:18:37# Blowing like the breeze
0:18:39 > 0:18:42# Country roads
0:18:42 > 0:18:45# Take me home
0:18:45 > 0:18:46# Sing, you bastards... #
0:18:46 > 0:18:51LAUGHING AND SINGING ALONG
0:18:51 > 0:18:54# To the place I belong
0:18:54 > 0:18:57# West Virginia
0:18:57 > 0:19:00# Mountain momma
0:19:00 > 0:19:06# Take me home Country roads. #
0:19:06 > 0:19:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Goodnight, everybody.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:35Let's hear it for Peter the hostage, ladies and gentlemen!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a real treat tonight.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42We have two, TWO fantastic performers on the show.
0:19:42 > 0:19:49Please, ladies and gentlemen, you are about to enjoy yourself like you've never enjoyed yourselves before.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54Please welcome Mr Mark Watson!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Hello.
0:20:08 > 0:20:15Yeah. I... Yeeeeah!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17CHEERING
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It's very generous of you,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26but deep down we all know it's impossible to follow Peter.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39There are times in your career when you see the person before you
0:20:39 > 0:20:43and you think there is nothing I can do here. Singing Country Roads
0:20:43 > 0:20:49as movingly and with as little respect for the original as that.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52And I'm just backstage, waiting to come on, thinking,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55it will be fine, I'll do my best. I'm a comedian, I'm not
0:20:55 > 0:20:59the greatest comedian in the world, but by God I will give it a good go.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01The only thing I would be worried about
0:21:01 > 0:21:03is if I had to follow an avant garde musical genius.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08I mean, what can you do?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13I'm going to be periodically just drinking water,
0:21:13 > 0:21:14very important to hydrate yourself.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19I tend to gabble on and you don't allow yourself time to...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21The reason that I don't usually have a bottle of water on stage
0:21:21 > 0:21:25is cos you get so easily distracted by the unbelievable crap
0:21:25 > 0:21:29that they write on these bottles. If you look at one of these labels, it's unbelievable.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32The water you are holding has been naturally filtered
0:21:32 > 0:21:35through ancient rock for 5,000 years.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Ancient rock as opposed to these modern rocks that you find these days.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43This is a stunning rock formation, yeah, they put it up in the '60s.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Then there's always a little bit about how important water is.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51You only find these statistics on bottles of water, conveniently.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Did you know that your body is 80% water?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57So it's very important to drink as much water as you can.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01As much water as you can. If they had their way I would be drinking water solidly, basically.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06It improves brain function. I think this is probably bollocks, don't you?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Your body is 80% water, you're four fifths water,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13I find that a bit suspect really. Four fifths of you is water!
0:22:13 > 0:22:18If that's true we're basically paddling pools with eyes. I find that a bit hard to swallow.
0:22:18 > 0:22:25If it's true, if I'm 80% water why am I buying these expensively branded bottles of water?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Why can't I just suck myself?
0:22:27 > 0:22:33Anyway! Erm, I'm sorry.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37I didn't really want to see that thought through,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40as I was aware it was obviously going in a coarse direction.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45Sometimes you start saying something and that's it, it's all over. I've had quite a nice day today.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48There's this business of course, there's the old standing in front
0:22:48 > 0:22:52of 3,000 people, but asides from that it's been a relaxing enough day.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I got a little bit of an ego boost on the way here.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00I got recognised by a person just outside Hammersmith Station. Doesn't often happen to me.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I'm at the sort stage of my career when people vaguely recognise me,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06but they don't really know who I am,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08so I get into a lot of awkward conversations with people.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11People quite often go, "Well, it's that, oh, erm..."
0:23:11 > 0:23:15I had a bloke that shouted at me, real proper shouting as well.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19I had never seen him before and he was completely naked this man,
0:23:19 > 0:23:20and we were in the gym
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and I should have probably started the story with that!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25But still, there's no need to be naked.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29There are partitions, there are proper cubicles, he didn't have to be naked.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31This guy came up to me absolutely naked,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35as naked as you like, this guy, in the changing room situation,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37more naked than I would have liked, really.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Really hairy, he was one of those people that are
0:23:40 > 0:23:43so hairy you think, I'm not sure how that came about.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Shouting across this quite crowded changing room,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"Mate, oi mate, mate", just over again and I was trying to
0:23:50 > 0:23:54avoid contact with him cos I didn't feel that we were mates, really.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57From my point of view, he was just a naked stranger
0:23:57 > 0:24:01and that's not the same as a mate and that's quite an important distinction to be drawn there!
0:24:01 > 0:24:05I might go to the pub with a mate - I'd rarely go with a naked stranger.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Not never, never say never, but rarely, I think.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10But in the end, the guy shouted, "Mate, mate"
0:24:10 > 0:24:12until I couldn't ignore him any more
0:24:12 > 0:24:16so I had to sort of look up and acknowledge him. Oh, hello.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20The guy said, "Mate!" and I was waiting for a massive revelation, and he said,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24"I saw you on Mock The Week," and that was it! What am I meant to say?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Oh, I saw you on awkward conversations with our cocks out, I think.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I don't know if you saw that - it was on Dave.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33That happens to me fairly often.
0:24:33 > 0:24:38I sort of... I mean, you seem a very nice, easily pleased audience.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I never take an audience's good will for granted, cos you don't know,
0:24:41 > 0:24:46you don't know what an audience is going to be like, and this goes across the board, really.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Not just in comedy. I was in the North last year, I was touring.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53I had a whole day to kill, and kill was the phrase, really,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55and it was fine, a perfectly nice place,
0:24:55 > 0:25:00but I had nothing to do, really, and it was a bleak, fading seaside resort,
0:25:00 > 0:25:05it was one of those afternoons. So I went to a Punch and Judy show. Most people there had a kid,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I didn't have a kid, didn't let it put me off.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12We were waiting for this, this girl was trying to warm up the audience
0:25:12 > 0:25:16the way you do in these situations and you've all seen Punch and Judy,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19she was saying, "Mr Punch is very nervous - he needs a big cheer,"
0:25:19 > 0:25:22so we were all going, "Come on!" Yeah, exactly.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You don't necessarily have to do everything I mention.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27So we all got our tits out. Don't do that.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It's a bit of fun, that.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I don't even really want that to happen, I think it would be embarrassing.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38So we were cheering Mr Punch, "Come on, come on!"
0:25:38 > 0:25:41And then the woman said, "Mr Punch is very nervous,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45"he needs a bigger cheer than that," so again, "Come on, come on!"
0:25:45 > 0:25:48By now, we were really shouting. A third time she said,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51"Mr Punch didn't quite hear you," which had to be bullshit,
0:25:51 > 0:25:56he was just in the bag there, there was no way he could not have heard it.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59But again, we were all really game, going, "Come on, come on!"
0:25:59 > 0:26:02So by now, we were shouting as much as we could,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04and that's where she should have brought Mr Punch on,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07that's three times, but she pushed her luck this lady,
0:26:07 > 0:26:08she went for a fourth one,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10"Oh, Mr Punch still isn't sure you want to see him."
0:26:10 > 0:26:13At this point, this massive great big bloke next to me
0:26:13 > 0:26:15with two small kids went,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18"Bloody hell, Punch, I'm freezing me cock off here!"
0:26:18 > 0:26:22His six-year-old kid just nodded proudly next to him.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"Well done, Dad, you've said what we were all thinking."
0:26:27 > 0:26:29The important lesson to be drawn from that, really,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32is you shouldn't take the public's good will for granted.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34That's why this is quite a nerve-wracking job.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36A lot of people say, "I could never do that,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"stand-up comedy, that would be my worst nightmare."
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You hear this quite a lot if you're a comedian,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43"Oh, that'd be my worst nightmare."
0:26:43 > 0:26:46In a way, it just shows you how limited people's nightmares must be.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47This is just talking.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50You must have something worse in the bowels of your subconscious.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I had a nightmare,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I was having the shit kicked out of me by Nelson Mandela.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Proper stuff. Fingers in my eyes, knee in the balls,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00surprisingly athletic for an 80-year-old man.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Pulling my hair, all the dirty tricks.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05You want to punch him back - you can't, it's Mandela,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07you'd be a racist. That's a nightmare.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:15This is the world we live in,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18it's an aggressive, bloody world, isn't it?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I find that I'm a relatively simple person,
0:27:20 > 0:27:21I don't want much out of life,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25but even the simplest things are hard to accomplish.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27For example, I went out recently on a shopping expedition
0:27:27 > 0:27:29to buy one carrot.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32That was all I wanted, a single carrot, my wife was cooking...
0:27:32 > 0:27:34She wasn't just cooking that,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36she had a recipe of which that was a component.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40She wasn't just going to cook the carrot, "There you are," like an ice lolly.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42She was being more ambitious and...
0:27:42 > 0:27:43she tends to do most of the cooking.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I'm aware that some people are thinking,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47"I doubt he's got a wife." I bloody have!
0:27:47 > 0:27:48There's no time to prove it,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52but just take my word for it. I have a... I own a woman.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54She...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56You can't say that these days, can you?
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Anyway...to get onto more politically-correct ground,
0:28:01 > 0:28:02my wife does all the cooking.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Well, it's actually true. I pretty much let my wife cook,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09purely because it's a sensible distribution of skills.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11My wife is a good cook, and I'm very poor at it,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13so my wife tends to do the cooking.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I think it's quite an enlightened attitude. I think, these days,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19cooking tends to be quite a testosterone-dominated field.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21It's all your Gordon Ramsay,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Marco Pierre... All these people, Jamie Oliver.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28It's all men. I think someone should be modern enough to say,
0:28:28 > 0:28:31"Let's get women cooking. Let's be 21st century about this,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33"they've got the same rights as we have in the kitchen."
0:28:33 > 0:28:37So my wife sent me out to... A dangerous gag, that.
0:28:37 > 0:28:38No, I wouldn't clap that.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40MUTED APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:45Sort of more clever than funny, really.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47So my wife was cooking, and I'm happy with my role
0:28:47 > 0:28:51which is basically, you know, foraging.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54But I went to buy this one... I say foraging...
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Normally, if you go to Tesco, you will lay your hands on a carrot.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59There's no real jeopardy there.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Still, I like to pick it up and go, "Got it!"
0:29:02 > 0:29:04But, actually, this is my point,
0:29:04 > 0:29:08it was surprisingly hard to buy a bloody carrot.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10Right, for a start, I took it to the till,
0:29:10 > 0:29:12this is all I was buying, one carrot.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15First of all, this lady tried to put it in a bag for me,
0:29:15 > 0:29:18and I always try to not take a bag if I don't need one,
0:29:18 > 0:29:19for environmental reasons.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22But they're furious. You'll have tried doing this -
0:29:22 > 0:29:24if you say, "I don't need a bag,"
0:29:24 > 0:29:26they look at you like, "How dare you?!"
0:29:26 > 0:29:29This woman, she said, "What you going to do?"
0:29:29 > 0:29:32And I said, "Well, I don't want to appear cocky here,
0:29:32 > 0:29:33"but I've got two hands,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36"there's only one carrot - I think I will nail this.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39"I'm almost certain I'll get this home, by hook or by crook."
0:29:39 > 0:29:44Cos what am I going to do - walk around with one carrot in a bag?
0:29:44 > 0:29:46"I've got my carrot in a bag."
0:29:46 > 0:29:48"How's your day?"
0:29:48 > 0:29:51"Yeah, great, just walking with my carrot in its bag.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55"I've got a piece of celery at home in a little bit of Tupperware."
0:29:55 > 0:30:00I don't want to make out I'm someone with a repertoire of vegetables that I walk... Anyway...
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Then there's a receipt -
0:30:02 > 0:30:04she insisted in printing out a bloody receipt,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07which meant the till roll had to be changed.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Why do you need a receipt for this transaction?!
0:30:10 > 0:30:13All I'm buying is a single carrot - why would you ever need a receipt?!
0:30:13 > 0:30:17You're not going to bite into it and think, "Hang on, this is a pear."
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Right, it's basically, buying a carrot can't go that badly wrong.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24So by now, I'm really impatient, I was frothing with impatience,
0:30:24 > 0:30:28I wanted to get home, see my wife, whether she exists or not.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Finally, just when I thought I had finally secured this carrot,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35as I was walking out, this girl said, "Excuse me, sorry,
0:30:35 > 0:30:38"before you go," so now I have to listen to this. I said, "Yes?"
0:30:38 > 0:30:41She said, "Did you want to pre-order the Harry Potter DVD?"
0:30:43 > 0:30:47Now, what part of my actions so far would give you that impression?
0:30:47 > 0:30:50I was trying to be polite. I said, "Sorry?"
0:30:50 > 0:30:53She said... By now, SHE'S impatient, like I'm some sort of idiot.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56"Did you want to pre-order the Harry Potter DVD?"
0:30:56 > 0:31:00I mean, no, not really, my aim was to buy a carrot,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03and I would say I've achieved that modest aim.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06I mean, if I wanted to buy a Harry Potter DVD,
0:31:06 > 0:31:09what I would probably do is go to somewhere like HMV,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12I would go to a place where you can buy DVDs, I would pre-order it,
0:31:12 > 0:31:14when the time came, I would collect it,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16I'd take it home, I'd watch it.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19I wouldn't approach this transaction by going to a supermarket,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22seizing a carrot from the fruit and veg bit,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24and then standing there at the checkout thinking,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26"She knows what I really want here.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"She'll gather my true intentions.
0:31:28 > 0:31:33"She knows that this carrot is a metaphor for an orange wand."
0:31:33 > 0:31:35Is this what supermarket shopping is meant to be,
0:31:35 > 0:31:39some sort of guessing game? "I'd like ten Lucky Strikes, please."
0:31:39 > 0:31:41"Shrek 2? I'll just see if we've got it in."
0:31:44 > 0:31:48But thanks very much. You've been lovely. I'm Mark Watson. See you again! Bye! Thank you!
0:31:48 > 0:31:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Mark Watson!
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Mark Watson, ladies and gentlemen!
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for one more comedian?
0:32:03 > 0:32:04CHEERING
0:32:04 > 0:32:09And I mean...absolutely fantastic, one of my favourite performers,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Andrew...Maxwell!
0:32:15 > 0:32:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:26 > 0:32:28Heeeeey!
0:32:28 > 0:32:31(CHUCKLES)
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Good evening, the Apollo!
0:32:33 > 0:32:36CHEERING
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- How you feeling - OK? - ALL:- Yeah.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42God, it's hot in this country, isn't it?
0:32:42 > 0:32:44It's hot, are you feeling hot?
0:32:44 > 0:32:47- ALL:- Yes. - Ah, it's hot!
0:32:47 > 0:32:49God, it's hot.
0:32:49 > 0:32:50Compared to Ireland,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53it's very, very hot.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Has anybody here ever experienced an Irish summer?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58CHEERING
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Oh, my God, what an August we can offer the world, people.
0:33:02 > 0:33:0420 degrees, every day!
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Granted it's not a great tourism slogan.
0:33:10 > 0:33:11"Come to Ireland -
0:33:11 > 0:33:14"it's room temperature!"
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Do we have any English people here?
0:33:19 > 0:33:21CHEERING
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Welcome, English people. I want you to know,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26on behalf of all the Irish people in the room
0:33:26 > 0:33:28and all the Irish people watching this at home,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31I want you to know you're totally forgiven.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36You're forgiven, English people. We no longer hate you.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40It's in the past, it's over,
0:33:40 > 0:33:42you're forgiven,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44we don't hate you any more.
0:33:44 > 0:33:45We can't afford to hate you.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Who knew hatred was a luxury item?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57It's a weird place, Ireland, let me tell you.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00In Ireland, sometimes you don't even have to write jokes...
0:34:00 > 0:34:01it's just in the newspaper.
0:34:03 > 0:34:08Last year, an orang-utan escaped from Dublin Zoo,
0:34:08 > 0:34:12and in the newspaper - and I quote - his zookeeper said,
0:34:12 > 0:34:16"We believe he was planning it for years."
0:34:19 > 0:34:22They reverse-engineered his crime
0:34:22 > 0:34:25and they found out, over the last 15 years,
0:34:25 > 0:34:30he'd been cultivating a tree to grow against the wall of his enclosure.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34What kind of monkey Shawshank Redemption is that?
0:34:36 > 0:34:40"Bobo wasn't like the other monkeys."
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- Any Muslim people here? - RIPPLE OF CHEERS
0:34:44 > 0:34:47I was just wondering, because this is the thing that I've been getting recently,
0:34:47 > 0:34:49when I've been asking, "Is there any Muslims in?"
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I'm getting pissed-up geezers saying yes.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54I did a gig in Bethnal Green about a year ago.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56I went, "Is there any Muslims in?"
0:34:56 > 0:35:00This dude stands up, shaved head, fat neck,
0:35:00 > 0:35:04Ben Sherman, he was the most unlikely Muslim in the world.
0:35:05 > 0:35:09This man looked like he was entirely made of sausage.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15He stands up in the middle of the audience.
0:35:15 > 0:35:16I went, "Is there any Muslims in?"
0:35:16 > 0:35:20He stands up, lifts up his pint of Stella and just went, "Yeeeah!"
0:35:22 > 0:35:27"What? You're Muslim?!" He went, "Yeah, why not?!"
0:35:29 > 0:35:33Fair enough, but I don't think that's how you join.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35I thought, there and then, maybe that is the solution
0:35:35 > 0:35:38to all this Islamic panic in the British media!
0:35:38 > 0:35:41An all-Cockney mosque!
0:35:42 > 0:35:47Now, there's a mosque the Daily Mail would find hard to complain about being built.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Oh, you can see it now, can't you?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54The call to prayer from the top of the geezer minaret
0:35:54 > 0:35:55in the Cockney mosque.
0:35:59 > 0:36:09Oi, oiiiiiiiiiiiii...!
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Who wants some?!
0:36:18 > 0:36:22Every Friday evening at the Cockney mosque,
0:36:22 > 0:36:26neat rows of white Reebok Classics down the street.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Have we got any Lebanese women here?
0:36:31 > 0:36:33- CHEER - One?
0:36:33 > 0:36:34Welcome.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Beautiful, you see. Beautiful Apollo,
0:36:40 > 0:36:42that's just the history of the Lebanon.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45It's a small country that's been invaded over and over again,
0:36:45 > 0:36:48and everybody's gone in there and had sex with their women.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51And that's how you get good-looking women, people.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54It's a little bit distasteful, but that's genetics for you.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59I don't know whether anybody here
0:36:59 > 0:37:01has ever been to the Shetland Islands.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04They have not been invaded...
0:37:11 > 0:37:13..anywhere near enough!
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Vikings must have rode up the beach there and gone,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21"Hey-oh, ho-oh. Oh?!"
0:37:23 > 0:37:26"OK, gather round, everybody...
0:37:26 > 0:37:28"it's just pillage."
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I think, probably the most inspiring thing of the year
0:37:37 > 0:37:39has definitely been the Arab Spring.
0:37:39 > 0:37:40It's been incredible.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43I mean, it's gotten better in some places than others.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47The worst thing for me is that Tony Blair's back on TV.
0:37:47 > 0:37:51Oh, I really don't like that sun-kissed hustler.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Do you know he's brought out an autobiography?
0:37:55 > 0:37:57How bad taste is that?
0:37:57 > 0:37:59We're still stuck in the two wars that he started,
0:37:59 > 0:38:01so that he could curry favour
0:38:01 > 0:38:03with the American industrial military complex,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06so he could spend the rest of his sunny life
0:38:06 > 0:38:07on golf courses in Florida.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Yeah, there we are, he's brought out an autobiography,
0:38:10 > 0:38:15"Tony Blair, My Journey, you know, just in case people want to see it
0:38:15 > 0:38:16"from Tony's perspective."
0:38:16 > 0:38:19APPLAUSE
0:38:21 > 0:38:24Not really...not really, Tone.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28"What other bad-taste bits of merchandise
0:38:28 > 0:38:31"have you got up your sleeve there, Tony?
0:38:31 > 0:38:32"A fragrance?!"
0:38:34 > 0:38:37"Tony Blair, Denial."
0:38:47 > 0:38:50You never know what will offend people.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52I hope I haven't offended anybody.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54You don't know!
0:38:54 > 0:38:57You can talk about whatever you want on stage, nobody gives a toss.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00If you talk about cats...
0:39:00 > 0:39:02don't talk about cats on TV.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06You know, even if it's a funny thing about cats.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Like cat in the bin - remember that?
0:39:11 > 0:39:14There was a week of cat in the bin!
0:39:14 > 0:39:17A week of a cat going into a bin!
0:39:19 > 0:39:24You remember the first time you saw that horrific, horrific footage...
0:39:24 > 0:39:26of the cat go into the bin.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31I know. Live it with me, brothers and sisters.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Is it just me or was your first reaction,
0:39:34 > 0:39:36why...
0:39:36 > 0:39:40is Susan Boyle...
0:39:40 > 0:39:43putting a cat in a bin?!
0:39:45 > 0:39:47What the hell is going on?
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Genuinely, my first reaction,
0:39:49 > 0:39:51when I first saw the cat go in the bin...
0:39:51 > 0:39:53I've turned into such a environmental idiot
0:39:53 > 0:39:54as I've got older.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Genuinely, my first reaction when I saw the cat go into the bin was,
0:39:57 > 0:40:00"Oh, God, no! Wrong bin!"
0:40:02 > 0:40:04"A cat is 100% recyclable!"
0:40:09 > 0:40:14You never know, man. I love the news and the tabloids.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16I love the tabloids, man, but aren't they creepy?
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Oh, you better believe they are.
0:40:18 > 0:40:24Here's a classic example. The Middletons, Kate and Pippa...
0:40:24 > 0:40:28They must have been raised in pretty much the same upbringing, right?
0:40:28 > 0:40:30They've got to be pretty similar women?
0:40:30 > 0:40:34Not in the tabloids, they're not. I feel sorry for Pippa, do you?
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Cos all the filth is on her, isn't it?
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Cos the tabloids can't say anything untoward about Kate,
0:40:39 > 0:40:41not the future Queen of England.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45"Oh, here she comes. Lovely, lovely Kate.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48"Oh, lovely, lovely Kate, here she comes,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51"Duchess of Cambridge, future Queen of England.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55"Here she is. Awwwww...
0:40:55 > 0:40:59"Handing out coins to the immigrant children, awwwwww."
0:40:59 > 0:41:03(COCKNEY ACCENT) "Look at filthy Pippa!
0:41:03 > 0:41:06"Oh, you filthy cow!
0:41:06 > 0:41:10"Who brings an arse to a wedding?!"
0:41:15 > 0:41:21"Awwwww...lovely, lovely Kate,
0:41:21 > 0:41:26"awwwww... Healing the poor with her eyes, awwwwww."
0:41:26 > 0:41:29(COCKNEY ACCENT) "Look at filthy Pippa!
0:41:29 > 0:41:34"Down the docks with a bell - ding-ding!
0:41:34 > 0:41:37"Come and get it, boys, come on!"
0:41:45 > 0:41:48That's all I'm saying, people. I hope I haven't offended anyone.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51You just don't know when you're a comedian.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54I'll give you an example of this.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56I did a gig for the biscuit industry.
0:41:56 > 0:42:00That's right, people, I work for the biscuit industry.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04It was terrifying, it was 50 biscuit businessmen
0:42:04 > 0:42:06and I was dreading it, man.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08Not like this, I knew you were going to be good.
0:42:08 > 0:42:12It turns out they were great, they were fantastic.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15And that's why I said it. I only said it because they were good!
0:42:15 > 0:42:16I didn't walk straight on and say it.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19At the end of the gig, I said "Listen, you've been fantastic."
0:42:19 > 0:42:22They were like, "More!" and I'm like, "No, I can't."
0:42:22 > 0:42:23I've got to go and do another gig,
0:42:23 > 0:42:25but before I go, can I ask you something?
0:42:25 > 0:42:29They were like, "Yeaaah!" Anything? "Yeaaaah!"
0:42:29 > 0:42:32It's about biscuits.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35"Yeaaaah!"
0:42:35 > 0:42:37This is all I managed to say
0:42:37 > 0:42:40before the whole crap-house went up in flames.
0:42:40 > 0:42:41Wagon Wheels!
0:42:44 > 0:42:47THEY'RE THE SAME SIZE
0:42:47 > 0:42:52AS THEY'VE ALWAYS BEEEEEEN!
0:42:52 > 0:42:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:00 > 0:43:02But remember when we were kids -
0:43:02 > 0:43:06YOUR HANDS WERE SMALLER!
0:43:08 > 0:43:11People, you've been an absolute delight.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15Thank you, Apollo! Good night!
0:43:15 > 0:43:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Andrew Maxwell, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:26 > 0:43:28Andrew Maxwell!
0:43:28 > 0:43:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:30 > 0:43:34Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36We hope you've had a wonderful night.
0:43:36 > 0:43:40One more hand, please for Mr Andrew Maxwell and Mark Watson!
0:43:40 > 0:43:44Thanks for coming, good night!
0:43:44 > 0:43:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:59 > 0:44:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd