0:00:18 > 0:00:20'Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24'please welcome your host for tonight, Sarah Millican!'
0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Dude look like a lady
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# Dude look like a lady
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- # Dude look like a lady. # - Hello.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Hello.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Thank you very much for coming. Welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It was lovely the way I was introduced there.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It's a really nice thing to get used to in a new job
0:00:55 > 0:00:59when somebody says your name and people clap and cheer.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03It's lovely! It was a little bit weird at the doctor's the other day.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Cos nobody clapped.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Every time I said "clap", they thought that's what I had.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:15But I decided, a lot of people do this in January...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I decided in January to try to sort of better myself.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I'm not bothered about losing weight, but I like the idea of getting fit,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24so I thought I'd get myself an exercise DVD.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28You know when your partner goes shopping and asks, "Do you want anything?"
0:01:28 > 0:01:32and you're supposed to say, "No", but instead you give them a list?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I love doing that.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Sometimes I make shit up I don't even need just to see his face.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And he looks at the list and he goes,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44"What's the difference between a tangerine and a satsuma?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ha-ha! It's a test!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50And I said to him, "Could you get us an exercise DVD?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:52That's what I thought I'd do, get an exercise DVD.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I said, "Just get a bog-standard, like a beginner's guide,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"a very basic exercise DVD."
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And he said, "No problem." He came home with Davina's Buff Your Abs.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07I'll have to lose three stone before I can find me bloody abs.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I swapped it for the one that I wanted,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13which was, you know, just Fat Lass Has A Go. You know.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Or the sequel, Fat Lass Tries Again.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I watched the first few minutes.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's always a celebrity and a trainer.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33A celebrity sells the DVDs and the trainer knows what they're doing.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36In the first few minutes, they were laughing at nothing.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38It was very unnerving.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40And the trainer said to the celebrity...
0:02:40 > 0:02:41SHE LAUGHS
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"Why don't you tell the viewers at home
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"what weight you were when you started this regime?"
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And the celebrity went...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52SHE LAUGHS
0:02:52 > 0:02:56"When I started this regime, I was 10 stone."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I realised then that I'm aiming for her start weight.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12But I like to eat. Is that so bad? I like to eat.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Sometimes I think I've got a tapeworm, but that it's just full.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm trying to eat more healthily. I had an apple the other day.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I put it in me handbag on an optimistic Monday.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37And by the Thursday, there weren't any KitKats left.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And I was starving. I thought, I'm gonna have to find it.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45So I rooted around in me handbag and I found it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47It was prematurely bruised and battered.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49It had pen on it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:54 > 0:03:59But I was starving. So I peeled off the clean panty liner and I ate it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00GROANING
0:04:02 > 0:04:04APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:09And it was all right. It was all right.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12It reminded me of something I'd had years ago that I liked.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I was like, "What does it remind me of?" Toffee apples.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And we've got some recognisable faces in.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25We've got Olympic medallist, Colin Jackson in!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:35Hello, love! So, Colin Jackson, you've got a safety net.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37If things ever get tight money-wise,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39you can just take your medals to Cash4Gold.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Who else have we got in? We've got Kerry Katona in.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47CHEERING
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Did you bring the buffet, pet? Cos that was the deal.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54You lot can divide the prawn rings between yourselves,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57but keep your hands off the bloody Viennetta, right?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01We've got Andrew Castle in. Give us a cheer for Andrew Castle.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03CHEERING
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Former professional tennis player, Andrew Castle,
0:05:06 > 0:05:11I believe. It's so nice to meet a bloke for whom 15 love is a score
0:05:11 > 0:05:17rather than an idea of how long you should leave it after he's been in the bathroom.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Give it 15, love.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28And we've got lovely Alex and Matt from the One Show!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30CHEERING
0:05:32 > 0:05:35You guys are on Twitter, aren't you? I like Twitter.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Cheer if you're on Twitter. - CHEERING
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Loads of you. I like it, but it can sometimes be a little bit weird, can't it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45I got a message from a fella a few weeks ago and he said,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"I've got a bit of spare time on me hands
0:05:47 > 0:05:53"and I don't know whether to watch some porn...or you."
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- LAUGHTER - Yeah!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- SHE LAUGHS - He's in!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59LAUGHTER
0:05:59 > 0:06:01That struck me as being a little bit odd.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I don't know much about porn,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05but from what I can gather, it's fantasy, isn't it?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It's supposed to be unachievable things.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Like having sex with two women at the same time.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Or one. Er... - LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:15He's fine, he's fine.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21But I put myself firmly in the bracket of "achievable."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25By that laughter, so do you, you shits!
0:06:25 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:30So that man's fantasy is a middle-aged,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33slightly-overweight woman who witters on.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Just wander around ASDA. There's hundreds of me!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Look along at the end of your sofa. You might be married to one of me.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50But I live alone. Give us a cheer if you live alone.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52CHEERING
0:06:52 > 0:06:54A few of you. You sound very happy about it. Well done.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Something you might not know, people who live on their own,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00is that you can still have breakfast in bed if you live on your own.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Listen up, bitches.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:07If I want breakfast in bed, what I do before I go to bed
0:07:07 > 0:07:09is I put a Twix on the bedside cabinet.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:21And then when I wake up the next day, as me eyes are focusing,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I think, "There's a bloody Twix just there!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:28But sometimes, there's just a wrapper.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I've obviously got up for a wee in the night and gone, "Aah"!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Either that or the Tooth Fairy's moved over to the dark side.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:54But I'm in a relationship at the moment.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Give us a cheer all the couples in.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57CHEERING
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I've been with my fella for four years.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02He's lovely. He bought a suit recently.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I don't think I've ever seen him in a suit. Quite fancied him in the suit.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I did. I think it was just the prospect of a regular income.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Do you get sick pay? Shut up!
0:08:19 > 0:08:23I told him, I said I quite fancy you in the suit and he said, and I quote,
0:08:23 > 0:08:28"If you like, I'll leave it on and sort you out all good and proper, all posh and that."
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I said, "You forgot to say 'Miss Moneypenny' on the end".
0:08:36 > 0:08:39We only have problems at present-giving time.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Christmases, birthdays, that sort of thing.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Cos my boyfriend likes to buy me surprises.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48And I really don't like...surprises.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Anybody else who doesn't really like surprises? A few of you.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54See, what we've done is we've got a happy medium now.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Five or six things. He picks one.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I don't know which one it is, so technically, it's a surprise.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05It was my birthday at the end of May.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09He came home a few days before and said, "You'll never guess what I've done!"
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I said, "What have you done?" He said, "I've gone off-list."
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:19He said, "I'm not sure you'll like it."
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I said, "Why the hell did you buy it, then?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- LAUGHTER - "..thank you."
0:09:24 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:30A friend who doesn't know us well said, "That sounds like an engagement ring!"
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I said, "No, it sounds like Kerplunk."
0:09:33 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:38A couple of years ago, I had really bad flu,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40couldn't get out of bed, felt terrible.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43My boyfriend said, "I'll get you a present to cheer you up."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Now, I'm quite easy to cheer up.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I like flowers, chocolates. I'm a walking cliche.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51My favourite flowers are daffodils, which were in season at the time,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55and were everywhere in buckets for £1.00.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Chocolate-wise, I'm happy with a Twix or a Twirl,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01so you're talking £1.60 and I'm champion.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He chose to disregard that relevant information
0:10:05 > 0:10:07and bought something he thought was appropriate,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10which was a Mr Potato Head.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I still don't really know why.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19But, ironically, when I opened the box,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I wanted to re-arrange his bloody face.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:24 > 0:10:30But because we don't live together - we live 90 miles apart - perfect relationship...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:36..We often have times, three or four days a week, maybe, where we're alone. I quite like that.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I like sleeping in my own bed, alone. I like to do the starfish. I love it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44I absolutely love it. We all love our partners, but when they're there, they're all...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47breathing, and that, and it's irritating.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:56My boyfriend snores. Have we got snorers in?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58CHEERS
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Not that many. What about people who think they're sitting beside a snorer?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- CHEERS - Quite a lot more.
0:11:05 > 0:11:11My boyfriend snores and we got some of those strips that you put across the bridge of your nose?
0:11:11 > 0:11:16they're supposed to open your nostrils and make your airways clearer so that you don't snore.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20In theory, they work. They worked until Christmas Day came. Something you need to know about me...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23is that I really love Brussels sprouts.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Some of you are a little bit further ahead than others.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32my boyfriend doesn't like Brussels sprouts, so at Christmas, we get a big bag and I ate the lot.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I don't mind telling you, I'm pretty toxic..
0:11:40 > 0:11:43just before we went to bed on Christmas night, my boyfriend said,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47"Do you mind if I don't put the strip on tonight?
0:11:52 > 0:11:57"I don't want me nostrils to be any bigger than they absolutely have to be."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Another thing he does, he puts his arm across me in bed.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I quite like that, I feel quite safe and protected.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13But then sometimes, he'll put his leg across and I think, "Oh, now you're taking the piss."
0:12:16 > 0:12:21Last time he did it, he rubbed his foot up and down my leg.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Yeah, and he hasn't got terrific feet, they're just feet, you know?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26They're just a little bit crusty.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30There's...hard skin and long nails and hairs.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I said, "You look like you could pick up mice with those". They've got a...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36..slightly owl-like quality to them.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42So he rubbed his foot up and down me leg and I went,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"What you doing?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER
0:12:45 > 0:12:48And he went, "I'm being tender".
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I said, "No, love - you're exfoliating".
0:13:00 > 0:13:04But because we don't see each other as much as we'd like, we miss each other. So sometimes,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07obviously we speak a lot on the phone and we text each other a lot,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09but sometimes we send e-mails to each other
0:13:09 > 0:13:11with photographs attached.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Not THOSE kind of photographs!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Look what YOU'RE missing." No!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:26No, you might think this is a bit sad, but I think it's quite sweet
0:13:26 > 0:13:29and I'm slightly wearing my heart on my sleeve even telling you this.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34I'll give an example. The last one I sent was a photograph of a sad kitten,
0:13:34 > 0:13:39and above it... This was the Friday, we were seeing each other again on Monday, and I'd written above it,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"This is how I feel".
0:13:41 > 0:13:42- ALL:- Aaah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And he sent back a picture of a happy dog,
0:13:45 > 0:13:46and above it he'd written,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50"But this is what you'll be like on Monday".
0:13:50 > 0:13:54And I looked at the bottom of the photograph and the dog had its leg in a cast.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:06It went straight from being quite a sweet message to an actual physical threat.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:14When you've been together a few years, you get to know each other a bit better,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and there are new things that pop up about each other
0:14:16 > 0:14:19that turn each other on and you don't know this.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21New things can pop up that turn you on
0:14:21 > 0:14:24and they can pop up in the most unusual of places.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26We were having a carvery.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27(I love a carvery.)
0:14:27 > 0:14:33And with his pudding, he got a jug of custard.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36And he poured the custard onto his pudding
0:14:36 > 0:14:39and then he licked the spout of the custard jug
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and I was genuinely aroused!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I just leaned over to him and I went, "Get in the car."
0:14:52 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Bring the custard.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:06 > 0:15:09But I've always been quite a late developer.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You know when you find out about sex, about the birds and the bees...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Give us a cheer if you found out via your family?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- FAINT CHEER - A few of you.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- And what about if you found out via friends? - CHEERING
0:15:20 > 0:15:22So quite a lot of you unaccounted for.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Do you just not know?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:31My mam bought me a book. I've still got it now. It's a book by Claire Rayner.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35And it's got all of the parts of the body. It describes puberty.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38And in it, they call your vagina...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:43..they call it a "baby-making hole".
0:15:43 > 0:15:45LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Now, I don't have babies and I don't have any plans to have babies,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53so I cannot call mine that, can I?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56So I call mine my "cock cheerer-upperer".
0:15:56 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:05 > 0:16:08And I've always been quite cautious by nature.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I've got a friend who's got what I call a very dangerous lifestyle.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15He thinks it's exciting, but I think it's dangerous.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19To me, "exciting" is when you start a new tea towel.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Love it, love it. Ah! It's all been folded in the cupboard.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26No? No? Just me.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30But my friend has a very dangerous lifestyle.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33He's quite open about his sexual exploits.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36He said to me, "Have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40"I've had sex on a kitchen sink." And I said, "No."
0:16:41 > 0:16:44I thought, "Am I a prude?" I don't think I am, but maybe I am.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48So I said to me boyfriend, "Would, I mean, would you...
0:16:48 > 0:16:52"Would you like to have sex on a kitchen sink?"
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I get the impression it's supposed to be a bit more in the moment,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59rather than just, "When you've done the dishes, get your arse on there."
0:16:59 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:05He said, "Why would I want to have sex on a kitchen sink?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"That would be like eating your dinner out of a shoe."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:17And my friend said, "Have you ever had sex on a plane?"
0:17:17 > 0:17:19He said, "I've had sex on a plane."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21And I said, "No."
0:17:22 > 0:17:25And he said, "That's dangerous. That's exciting."
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I said, "Well, I suppose it is,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"but I think having a massive shit
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"with a queue outside on a plane is more dangerous."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:39And I've definitely done that.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:46 > 0:17:50And from the clapping, I can tell I'm not the only one.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54We're all members of the Pile-High club.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:00 > 0:18:04What an absolutely glorious audience you are this evening.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Thank you so much for coming. You've got an amazing night ahead of you.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10It's time to introduce our first act.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13He's a good friend. I've gigged with him many times.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15You're gonna absolutely love him.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Give him a warm welcome and welcome to the stage, Steve Hughes!
0:18:18 > 0:18:19APPLAUSE
0:18:19 > 0:18:22MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Hello!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- London. - CHEERING
0:18:34 > 0:18:37All right. Excellent. How are you? My name's Steve.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I'm from Australia, actually.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41CHEERING
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Some of you have probably been, or thought about going to Australia
0:18:44 > 0:18:46and then went, "H-H-How long does it take to get there?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"27 hours?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50"In a plane?"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54"27 hours in a tube of farts?"
0:18:54 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:19:00That's a reality none of you really want to take on board, but that's what's really happening.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03you're sitting there for a day and a half with 600 other people,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06eating airline food - I'm telling you, someone is farting. Understand?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:10When you get to Australia, you think you've got jetlag -
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I'm just telling you, it's not jetlag. Understand?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You've been basting.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23It's a ridiculous distance for any place to be on earth - the next stop is the moon.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:27That's what it's like growing up there - you're standing there,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31going, "What's the rest of the world doing? What are they up to? Can we join in?"
0:19:31 > 0:19:32"No."
0:19:32 > 0:19:36"Why not?" "Cos it's 12 hours' drive to the airport. Sit down."
0:19:36 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:39And there's no one there.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45It's a continent twice the size of Europe - there's 22 million people there. That's no one.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48You want to see a queue, in Australia?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:55That's it.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01They think it's crowded. And I've been to Mumbai, in India.
0:20:01 > 0:20:0428 million people, one city.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05That's crowded.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07That's traffic.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Try putting health and safety regulations on these people.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14They're selling raw chickens on a piece of cardboard in the sun.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20It's a brilliant place. We're told in the West that we live in free countries,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23but I don't think that's necessarily true all the time,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26because freedom is a multi-faceted construct...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28which extends beyond political ideology.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- Whoo!- Yes.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And I've been to Mumbai. You can do whatever you want.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38Break the law? Do whatever you want. Want to sell some socks on a bridge? Sell some socks on a bridge.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42"Where's your shop, mate?" " Here."
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"What do you want? I've got three socks, a battery and a hand grenade. You want it?"
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:54It's brilliant. You want hang out of the train? You hang out of the train!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Get on the roof.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Want to go to the doctor? You don't have to. Why? There's an old bloke in the street with medicine.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08You don't have to wait in a queue and ring up,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"Can I get an appointment, see a doctor and get a prescription?" No.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13You buy it off THIS bloke in the STREET.
0:21:13 > 0:21:19My mate in North London goes to me, "You'd buy MEDICINE off an old Indian bloke in the STREET?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I went, "For sure". He goes, "Why?" I said, "I'll tell you why, mate.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27"Cos he's 300 years old, he's got one tooth and he lives in a bin. He's still alive!"
0:21:27 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:30APPLAUSE
0:21:30 > 0:21:32That's why.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39He knows shit. Should I trust him or some bloke in Muswell Hill with six mortgages?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It's good to be here. Hammersmith Odeon.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I know it's the Apollo, but I call it the Odeon cos I'm old school.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:56I grew up with Motorhead, No Sleep Till Hammersmith. No Sleep Till Hammersmith Odeon. Exactly.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Whoo!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Old school. That's what it is.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I used to play in heavy metal bands. That's why I left Australia.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It doesn't like that stuff. I never suited Australia.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07It's a weird place. My parents are British
0:22:07 > 0:22:11and it's strange being a white man in a black man's country in the middle of Asia.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:19And the culture's strange. I never suited it, you know?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23It's all based around sport and...racism. And, er...
0:22:23 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I wasn't very good at either of them.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- LAUGHTER - I didn't know what to kick.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:38 > 0:22:41And so I've played in bands. I've played here, in 1989.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43A heavy metal band. See, I love all forms of heavy metal.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48I love heavy metal, thrash metal, black metal, death metal and, er...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Enya, actually.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I know you all think it's a bit of a joke. It's not a joke.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Most of you haven't listened to Slayer for eight hours in one day.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03You get up to that type of nonsense, you do need something to relax in the afternoon.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I did that joke in London one night at the comedy store. This big geezer stands up and he goes,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"I bloody hate Enya".
0:23:15 > 0:23:17You hate Enya?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20That's a bit intense.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27George Bush is alive...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29LAUGHTER
0:23:31 > 0:23:36George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Tony Blair, Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38See, these are global demons...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41..and this is Enya.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:46APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Know what I'm talking about?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52If you're going to hate, hate positively.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58How can you be upset with Enya, really? It's just silence, coloured in.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:04That's all it is. It's like being upset with a waterfall.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Looking at a flower open and going, "That's disgusting".
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Recently, we had a brilliant time. Recently, I just did a gig,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20a comedy gig at a heavy metal festival in Derbyshire, called Bloodstock.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24I don't even know why they bothered getting comics to do the festival.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Like most things, they've become corporate.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30They stuck a theme park, like rides, within the confines of the grounds,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33so that people would have something to do besides bands.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36That made me think, "Why bother getting comedians?"
0:24:36 > 0:24:41I got to tell you, there is nothing funnier than a Goth on a dodgem.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Get it?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:24:59And it got us out of London for the weekend
0:24:59 > 0:25:04because that was the time you were having your riots, running around.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Yeah. It was funny. - LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Just listening to the reporting, that's what I found funny.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"Look at them!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14"Looting!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16"Bloody looters!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"Running around, looting!"
0:25:20 > 0:25:24I'm going, "Yeah? Well, you know, ever been to the British Museum?"
0:25:24 > 0:25:26LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE
0:25:32 > 0:25:36"Where'd you get that Sphinx from - Norwich?"
0:25:36 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"Is that your pyramid?" "Yeah, we found it in the Cotswolds!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46"It was under a hedge. Who'd have thought?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You wouldn't have a museum if you didn't go looting.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Come to the British Museum and look at our...squirrel exhibit.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59LAUGHTER
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Put it in a Spitfire, make it look more interesting.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And help yourself to a Yorkshire pudding on the way out.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- LAUGHTER - You know what I mean?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13The lies we're inflicted with.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15The War On Terror is the ultimate one.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18How can you have a war on terror? This doesn't even make sense.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22When's this going to end? When they've got the terror?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Relax. It's all gone.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29We're moving on to horror next.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:31 > 0:26:34And get those Goths out of the dodgems for starters.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:40This is insanity. You can't have a war on terror.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"Having a war on terror, are you?" "That's right."
0:26:43 > 0:26:44"What does war create?"
0:26:44 > 0:26:49"Er...terror."
0:26:49 > 0:26:51"Exactly!"
0:26:51 > 0:26:53"So you're having a war against the consequence
0:26:53 > 0:26:56"of the actions you're involved in."
0:26:56 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:00APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:03"Yeah."
0:27:03 > 0:27:07"But, er...ours is good terror."
0:27:07 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"It's good, peace, freedom-loving terror. You know?"
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"Kind of like terror-light. You know?"
0:27:16 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"Sort of a diet terror."
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"Sort of, I Can't Believe It's Not Terror, you know?"
0:27:23 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:28 > 0:27:32We deal with that, and then next, what do we deal with, while this is all happening?
0:27:32 > 0:27:36"Oh, by the way, the planet's broken!"
0:27:36 > 0:27:39"It's all warmed up.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"And, er, yeah, we have to fix it."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"Cos we've broken it."
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"And, er...you know, we've done tests."
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"Who has?" "You know, experts."
0:27:48 > 0:27:49LAUGHTER
0:27:49 > 0:27:53"Who are they?" "Oh, don't worry about it. They're here."
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I don't even believe in it. People freak out. "You don't believe in it?!"
0:27:56 > 0:28:00"I don't believe in it." "You have to believe in it. It's the law!"
0:28:00 > 0:28:03"Well, it's not yet. I'm sure it will be. But until then, no."
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Why should I believe in it?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08They're dropping depleted uranium all over the Earth,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11letting nuclear weapons off underneath the sea
0:28:11 > 0:28:12and what are we gonna do?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Sit at home with a special light bulb and a shopping bag for life.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:25That's all you have to do.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30And at the end of the day,
0:28:30 > 0:28:34while all this goes on, what else is happening?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Well, the X Factor's on the news.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38LAUGHTER
0:28:41 > 0:28:44This is not normal. It's a TV show.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Why is it on the news?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47LAUGHTER
0:28:47 > 0:28:50It's not normal!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53When I grew up, The Price Is Right wasn't on the news.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55No, this is not news. This is rubbish.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59And I'm here to tell you people, being English,
0:28:59 > 0:29:02the X Factor, what have you done?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05You should be ashamed of yourselves.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:07 > 0:29:10You started it.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12You could stop it!
0:29:12 > 0:29:16I know all countries now have got stupid shows, but you especially.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19America are too far gone, it doesn't matter about them.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22But you, what are you up to?
0:29:22 > 0:29:23You can't have the X Factor.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26You can't watch the X Factor. This is England!
0:29:26 > 0:29:29You made Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden,
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Venom, Motorhead,
0:29:31 > 0:29:34Def Leppard, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37The Who, The Beatles, The Smiths, The Cure, The Damned,
0:29:37 > 0:29:39The Jam, The Police, The Sex Pistols,
0:29:39 > 0:29:43The Crush, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, Jarvis Cocker,
0:29:43 > 0:29:44David Bowie, Queen,
0:29:44 > 0:29:48Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Supertramp, Chemical Brothers and The Prodigy.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51And if you're watching the X Factor after a resume like that,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54I'm just telling you, you are a bit of a bastard.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:03 > 0:30:06You've been glorious. I hope you had an excellent time.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- See you soon. Cheers. - APPLAUSE
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Give it up for Steve Hughes!
0:30:17 > 0:30:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:23 > 0:30:27You've been an awesome audience. We've got one more act for you now.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31I know you'll love him. He's one of my favourite comedians.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34Please give a warm welcome to Russell Kane!
0:30:34 > 0:30:36APPLAUSE
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Hello. How you doing?
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Give a wonderful round of applause for your host Sarah Millican.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55I love you! CHEERING
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Some of you are struggling to recognise me.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01I couldn't look more different from last time.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04So deep has the crisis in my life gone. Look at the state of me!
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Look at me. I've gone from... My crisis is so bad,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10I've gone for a makeover and come out the other end
0:31:10 > 0:31:12looking like the aborted triplet of Jedward.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15That's how serious it is. LAUGHTER
0:31:15 > 0:31:19"Get rid of it, Mother, it's not one of ours!"
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Single for the first time, ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Single. For the first time in my life.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Half the room understanding, the other half going,
0:31:26 > 0:31:31"How can you be single for the first time now?" Self-heckle, post-modern, relax.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Well, because like half the room, I'm a serial monogamist.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Pathetically going from one long-term relationship to the other
0:31:38 > 0:31:40without an appropriate break
0:31:40 > 0:31:43cos I can't watch a movie on my own, I can't have a meal on my own.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46I need a partner at all times, never having a proper break.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49The complete opposite to you annoying, emotionally-strong people.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Being single was exactly what I needed. It was good for me.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I got hobbies, friends, I saw my family,
0:31:54 > 0:31:57and by the end, I was ready to love again. Bleurgh! All right?
0:31:57 > 0:32:00LAUGHTER Be weak, like normal people!
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Look at Kerry applauding that one. LAUGHTER
0:32:03 > 0:32:05One relationship to the other.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08"I'll never recover! It's only been three months since Kerry."
0:32:08 > 0:32:12"Wait! You're showing me rudimentary kindness. Let's move in together!"
0:32:12 > 0:32:15LAUGHTER
0:32:15 > 0:32:18No break, no gap, just going from one...
0:32:18 > 0:32:20It's a very different business, being a single guy.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23I am straight. I should just clarify that.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Some of the larger men in the room are going, "Well, he's one of them. I can't laugh.
0:32:27 > 0:32:28"He's definitely one of them."
0:32:28 > 0:32:31"So heterosexual, I'm a bit disabled from it, I can't move."
0:32:31 > 0:32:37"I'm so heterosexual, my bones are going for how much I want to smash his quiff!"
0:32:37 > 0:32:39I'm straight, unit in the front row.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42This is heterosexual masculinity. It's fine in London.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I like Liza Minnelli and a vag. I like a bit of both.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47LAUGHTER
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Yeah. Look at the...
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Thank you, feminism. This is what's come out the other end for men!
0:32:54 > 0:32:59And the lies. At least women have the emotional literacy to moan about it.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03"It's so horrible being objectified. What if I wanna be single?" Men lie.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07Listen to the PR we put out, "What you talking about? It's great being single."
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Thrusting while they talk. "You do what you like, whenever you like,
0:33:10 > 0:33:12"with whichever girl, into whichever sock
0:33:12 > 0:33:15"cos you don't get out the house cos I still love her, Gary!"
0:33:15 > 0:33:17LAUGHTER
0:33:17 > 0:33:21"I've been shitting in a carrier bag for a week, I'm so lonely!"
0:33:24 > 0:33:27That's the reality of being the single guy.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28Where's the support network?
0:33:28 > 0:33:32If you and I were best mates, I can't turn up at your front door sobbing
0:33:32 > 0:33:34and be assured of reassurance.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Girls have a much better support network.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39If I hit a full kitchen floor reset,
0:33:39 > 0:33:41I can't turn up at my best mate Scott...
0:33:41 > 0:33:42I should define that term.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Because quite a young audience tonight, people at home.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47A lot of people won't actually know
0:33:47 > 0:33:50what a "kitchen floor reset" is, so I'll explain.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Who's aged between 17 and 21? Give me a cheer?
0:33:52 > 0:33:54CHEERING
0:33:54 > 0:33:57That's why. Kerry and I know, we know what a kitchen floor reset is.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01Some of you are going, "Mum, do you remember when you used to see me cry?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04"Not any more. I'm moving out. Here's my flat, here's my boyfriend."
0:34:04 > 0:34:07# I'm an adult now I'm so grown up. #
0:34:07 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER
0:34:09 > 0:34:12In the next five to ten years, you'll have your first kitchen floor reset.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16That's where you end up back at your mum's house on the floor like that.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18HE SOBS
0:34:18 > 0:34:20"I'm crying so much. Why does it hurt so much, Mum?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22"I love him."
0:34:22 > 0:34:26You'll see your own string of snot like that... HE SOBS
0:34:26 > 0:34:29LAUGHTER
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Girls can turn up no problem, with a double Elizabeth Duke of snot at the door.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Even if it's a reason.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37"It's been seven years, I'm not ready to hold hands."
0:34:37 > 0:34:42A good female friend. When my life went tits-up, Sarah was one of the people I called.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44A good female friend is what you need.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Girls are much better. "Don't worry about it, tonight's not about boys.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51"We're gonna go clubbing. If there's boys there, great, if not, who cares?
0:34:51 > 0:34:54"Stop thinking about boys. We're gonna get drunk,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58"have a dance. There's a boy, don't look at him! Tonight's about the girls.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00"We'll go home, we'll make a pizza, put Bridget Jones on,
0:35:00 > 0:35:05"you'll take my knickers off, I'll take yours off, we'll start lezzing." I'm sorry!
0:35:05 > 0:35:07LAUGHTER Lost it.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08APPLAUSE
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Guys don't get trained by our dads, us heterosexual, single men, right.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17We don't get trained about how to cope if we're single.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20We get drenched in misogynistic, testosterone images.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22"You must shag at all times." What if you can't?
0:35:22 > 0:35:27What if you're emotionally incapable, if that makes sense?
0:35:27 > 0:35:31I am straight. sometimes I look at myself and go, "WTF, but totes am, so..."
0:35:31 > 0:35:33"Random. Why's he being so random? Say badger."
0:35:33 > 0:35:36"Badger." "Oh, my God, he's so ground-breaking!"
0:35:36 > 0:35:39LAUGHTER
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Every girl, whether you were brought up by your mum,
0:35:41 > 0:35:46your nan or an aunt, you had a female figure that always sat you down and went, "Babe?"
0:35:46 > 0:35:48"I don't need the talk." "I want you to have fun tonight,
0:35:48 > 0:35:51"but if at any point you change your mind, you call me,
0:35:51 > 0:35:54"I will come out and get you in the Nissan Micra."
0:35:54 > 0:35:56"Mum!" "Get a taxi, I will pay for it.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"I'll be in the cupboard, checking you're safe."
0:35:59 > 0:36:00LAUGHTER
0:36:00 > 0:36:03How many guys, especially if you're from my background -
0:36:03 > 0:36:07white, working-class, shaven-headed, racist, Cockney dad.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08My dad's got not one, not two,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11but three ripples of meat between head and neck, yeah.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13An Essex triple-ripple.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16"Want me to carry a breeze block? Stick it in my triple ripple."
0:36:18 > 0:36:21It's unthinkable that, if by some miracle,
0:36:21 > 0:36:23I'd pulled a girl when I was 16,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25my dad had sat me down and gone,
0:36:25 > 0:36:27"I do want you to have fun tonight, son,
0:36:27 > 0:36:31"but do not feel any pressure whatsoever to do anything sexual."
0:36:31 > 0:36:35"Even though your virginity shames me on a daily basis, right."
0:36:38 > 0:36:42"And down the pub, they call me Dave, the dad of the gayer."
0:36:42 > 0:36:43LAUGHTER
0:36:43 > 0:36:46That's the only thing which trumps my dad's racism,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48is his virulent homophobia.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52His fear that his eldest son might be gay. That's made me more camp.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54There were streams of thin men running up to my bedroom.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57I was into Dungeons And Dragons until I was 21.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59"I'm gonna be a wizard tonight!"
0:36:59 > 0:37:04He was like that downstairs, "They're up there bumming. I know they're bumming."
0:37:04 > 0:37:07"Take it out of my son!" "What does expelliamus mean?"
0:37:07 > 0:37:09LAUGHTER
0:37:11 > 0:37:14The last time I did the Apollo, it was a couple of years ago.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18It goes out... It was on TV in December and I had to face my dad that Christmas
0:37:18 > 0:37:23having brought him to life like this on stage and I thought he was going to be angry.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27I wasn't prepared for the softening of the Alpha's face,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30tears glistening his silver back as he waited for me in the kitchen...
0:37:30 > 0:37:32HE GRUNTS
0:37:35 > 0:37:37I had to chuck a poo to show he was dominant.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41LAUGHTER
0:37:41 > 0:37:44This is what really happened. It was almost touching, Apollo.
0:37:44 > 0:37:48You know what these dads are like. They suddenly show emotions once every eight Christmases,
0:37:48 > 0:37:51they have too many Stellas and they do the wobble, like that.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55"You're my boy, I never tell you I love you", that kind of thing. "Where's this coming from?!"
0:37:55 > 0:38:00My dad had never said it and he's got the five-Stella wobble, the Christmas hat, he went "Come here".
0:38:00 > 0:38:04He gets the programme name wrong all the time. "I saw you on that Live FROM The Apollo" just to wind me up.
0:38:04 > 0:38:09"Why d'you make ee-ah-ut" - three-syllable Essex - "why d'you make ee-ah-ut...
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Ee-ah-ut!
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Why d'you make ee-ah-ut, right?
0:38:13 > 0:38:16"Why d'you make ee-ah-ut I'm not a loving father?
0:38:16 > 0:38:18I'm like, where is this coming from?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21This is quite late in my childhood for this type of closure
0:38:21 > 0:38:24and us men, we have to pretend we don't want it, but you do want to hear it.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28If you're 50 and your dad's 70, you'll cry like a bitch if he uses the L word.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32"Why d'you make out I'm not a loving father?" and I leant in for what I thought was going to be my closure.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35D'you know what came out of his mouth as his masculinity kicked back in?
0:38:35 > 0:38:38"Why d'you make out I'm not a loving father?
0:38:38 > 0:38:41"I never bloody hit ya." That was it!
0:38:41 > 0:38:44That's the total skills it takes to be Father Of The Year,
0:38:44 > 0:38:47just don't beat your offspring in the face, that's all.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50"I've not smashed my son's head in." Here comes Cilla with an award.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52LAUGHTER
0:38:52 > 0:38:55But he backed it up - it got better. "D'you know why I never hit you?"
0:38:55 > 0:38:57"D'you know wh-uh-oo-ah?"
0:38:57 > 0:38:59"D'you know why?"
0:38:59 > 0:39:01And I leant in, "Why, Dad?"
0:39:01 > 0:39:04I could've almost said DADDY, I'd regressed so much this point.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07If you've got a dad like mine, you're eight when he looks at you.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09You'll always be eight until he dies.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12"D'you know why I never hit you, boy?" Why, Dad?
0:39:12 > 0:39:14And this is what came out of his mouth - I was waiting for the love.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17"It's cos if I'd started, I wouldn't have effin' stopped."
0:39:17 > 0:39:19LAUGHTER
0:39:19 > 0:39:23Murder! That's murder!
0:39:25 > 0:39:28So one of the main problems... Is anyone else locked on this cycle
0:39:28 > 0:39:30of get together every three years, break up, get together,
0:39:30 > 0:39:33three years, break up, never get past three years, break up.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Starts to slowly dawn on you it might be you that's the nut job.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38You'd never guess it to look at me, would you?
0:39:38 > 0:39:40LAUGHTER
0:39:40 > 0:39:44Maybe that's my curse. You've got to see the positive side - I'll always be meeting new people
0:39:44 > 0:39:49and falling in love over and over again. Trouble is, as English people, it's not entirely pleasurable, is it?
0:39:49 > 0:39:53We're not very good at it. We're not like the Americans and the French.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56We're kind of rubbish. Especially guys - how difficult, trying to hide
0:39:56 > 0:39:59that slightly psycho toddler temper for the first three months.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02The first time you lose it like a nut job - "I'm nothing like your ex.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05"I've done Buddhism in Thailand. I'm so chilled out, babe.
0:40:05 > 0:40:10"Oh look, my car keys are missing. No reason to smash up the lounge, hah hah hah!"
0:40:10 > 0:40:14"Oh look, a traffic jam - good! Let's play I Spy!"
0:40:14 > 0:40:18"Let's kick the effin' sat-nav off the window, rrrr!"
0:40:18 > 0:40:22That's what you secretly want to do. You go a few months till the first time you lose it. It's horrible.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25That phase at the beginning where you're too shy to even poo
0:40:25 > 0:40:30at a new girlfriend or boyfriend's house. "There's no poo in me, just Baudelaire and Beaujolais - look!"
0:40:30 > 0:40:31LAUGHTER
0:40:31 > 0:40:34I don't even have a bum hole - I've evolved it away.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38There's a cubic zirconia where my rectum once was.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40"For a QVC price..."
0:40:40 > 0:40:42LAUGHTER
0:40:42 > 0:40:46Do you know the moment where you've moved from love and romance into long-term love?
0:40:46 > 0:40:50If you can pass this threshold, you are in long-term love.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Not many relationships can survive it and we've all been through it.
0:40:53 > 0:40:58When your partner farts in the kitchen and you think they're speaking to you.
0:40:58 > 0:40:59"Eh?"
0:40:59 > 0:41:01PFT! "What was that?"
0:41:01 > 0:41:03LAUGHTER
0:41:03 > 0:41:05"Did you say you love me?"
0:41:05 > 0:41:06No, I didn't.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10I'm walking the dog! (I hate her so much.)
0:41:12 > 0:41:16Do you know the prejudice? I'm now in one of the jobs where I'm not allowed to moan.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20There's certain jobs you can do where you can't moan because everyone thinks your life must be brilliant.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24It's fantastic doing this, but I'm not allowed to moan about being single.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26I don't know if it translates at home, but in the audience,
0:41:26 > 0:41:31you can feel the female laughter rising as the male laughter falls - they can't quite identify.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35"What're you moaning about being single for? If I was in your position..."
0:41:35 > 0:41:41Do girls not find it worrying that men will grit their teeth and thrust as they talk about sex?
0:41:41 > 0:41:43What kind of Neanderthal is buried...?
0:41:43 > 0:41:45"If I was in your position..."
0:41:45 > 0:41:50At the bar, like that. "If I wasn't married to that...
0:41:50 > 0:41:53"If I wasn't married to thaaaaat...
0:41:53 > 0:41:56"I'd be..." Why're you gritting your teeth? We're talking about sex.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59One of the most beautifully sensual...
0:41:59 > 0:42:03"I went out on a date last night." "Did you bang her?"
0:42:03 > 0:42:06"I'd have smashed her head in with a brick."
0:42:06 > 0:42:08That's what my face says.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09LAUGHTER
0:42:09 > 0:42:11I don't want to be one of that team, girls.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14Must be like a lesbian in a man's body or something.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Like you know the lowest moment?
0:42:17 > 0:42:21I don't know if any of the people here that have been single have gone through this,
0:42:21 > 0:42:25and it's not a male ailment. I'm not saying this to be misogynistic.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28I'm sure girls get it. When your confidence goes so low,
0:42:28 > 0:42:31you can only be aroused by someone with low self-esteem.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34What a pathetic moment in a man or woman's life,
0:42:34 > 0:42:39when the only person who can sexually arouse you has got no confidence whatsoever and they're broken.
0:42:39 > 0:42:43You've got a funny walk, do you wanna go out for a Sloppy Giuseppe?
0:42:43 > 0:42:46If there are any single girls with low self-esteem in The Apollo,
0:42:46 > 0:42:50if you could just arrange yourself by the bins afterwards?
0:42:50 > 0:42:53"I've got no confidence since I've split up with my husband.
0:42:53 > 0:42:58"I hate the way I look." "Get in the van! You'll do, get in!"
0:42:58 > 0:43:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:43:01 > 0:43:03I hope it's not too long before I'm here again.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06I've been Russell Kane. Good night!
0:43:06 > 0:43:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:13 > 0:43:16- Give it up for Russell Kane! - APPLAUSE
0:43:19 > 0:43:23Thank you so much for coming out and joining us on Live At The Apollo.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25You guys have been brilliant.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Please give a round of applause for tonight's acts. Steve Hughes!
0:43:28 > 0:43:31APPLAUSE
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Russell Kane.
0:43:33 > 0:43:34APPLAUSE
0:43:34 > 0:43:37And I've been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much. Good night!
0:43:37 > 0:43:40APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:59 > 0:44:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd