0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Jason Manford.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Oh, wow. Hello.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello, how are ya?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44OK. God bless ya.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48So, how does this work then, you all signed up for tickets and then they told you to come along?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50That's pretty good, that's pretty good.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Did you reserve where you sat, you wanted front row?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56No? You just turned up at, what, three o'clock or something
0:00:56 > 0:00:58and just went front row centre?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I think I've seen you in my garden, mate.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04That is pretty eager.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07It's weird reserve seating, you've done well here.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Reserved seating can backfire, I think, in this country.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I think we are too reserved, we're too nice, too reserved for reserved seating.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15I get on the train quite a lot,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17there's always someone sat in my seat.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Rather than say anything, I just end up standing near them.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Like, looking at the seat number on my ticket.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Then looking at them in my seat, confused.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I can do that for 40 minutes, I'm not bothered.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Almost like there's an internal monologue going on.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46I definitely booked a seat, but I definitely didn't book a knob-head sat in it.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I definitely didn't check that box on the website.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I went up to the Edinburgh Festival, a couple of years ago.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Anyone been up to the Edinburgh Festival? It's great fun.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I went up to the Edinburgh Festival to see a mate of mine in a show, another comic, called Jason Cook,
0:01:59 > 0:02:00who lives up near me in Manchester.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05And he's only in a little room, a little 40-seater room, and me and my brother have turned up
0:02:05 > 0:02:06and there's only two seats left.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09One of them had a reserved sticker, one of them didn't.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11So, I said to me brother, "Right, come on, we'll have to sit here.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15"You have the reserved one, because I booked the seat, so you can take the risk."
0:02:15 > 0:02:19He's a bit nervous about it, five minutes into the show, he's checking the door, you know.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Half an hour into the show, he's starting to grow in confidence,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24you know, that sort of squatters' rights, you know what I mean?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27You're like, if anyone comes now, I will fight for this seat.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Five minutes before the end of the show, we've both forgot
0:02:29 > 0:02:31it was ever a reserved seat in the first place,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34until the comic says, on stage, he says,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of my show," he says,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"before I go, I would like to dedicate tonight's performance to my dad."
0:02:39 > 0:02:41AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Yes, strap yourselves in, this gets worse, right?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50He says, "I'd like to dedicate tonight's performance to my dad."
0:02:50 > 0:02:54He said, "He passed away six months ago,
0:02:54 > 0:02:58"and the last show he ever came to see was in this very room, so..."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Honestly, he's proper crying and everything, it was awful.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08He says, "As a mark of respect, I like to keep the seat that he was sat in that night...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12.."reserved."
0:03:12 > 0:03:14And a hush fell over the audience,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16a real silence, you couldn't hear anything.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Obviously, I could hear my brother's arse going,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21you know, but apart from that, apart from that...
0:03:21 > 0:03:25And then a little light came on to show everybody which seat it was.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29It was all darkness, apart from my brother just sat there like that.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31As I'm edging away like, "You lousy bastard,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35"I can't believe you sat in a dead man's seat."
0:03:38 > 0:03:42So, who is from London then? Give us a cheer. Where are you, guys?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44CHEERING Not many of you.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Who's not from London? Where are you?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47LOUDER CHEERING
0:03:47 > 0:03:48OK, good. That's fine.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51That's fine. I was down there the other week.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I went to see a film in town.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57And, that's expensive, when you go and see a film in town.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00You go, "Just a ticket, please." "£12."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"No, it's just me. Just one person."
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I went to watch a film, a British film called The Kill List.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Very violent. Very violent film, not my cup of tea at all.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I went to see it with a mate of mine who suggested it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17He said, "It'll be all right." We got in there, it's packed.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I've ended up sitting in the front row.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23You know when you're too close. You feel like you're an extra in it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It was so violent. There was a bit where this bloke's got a house brick
0:04:26 > 0:04:28and he's walloping someone over the head.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I can't help making noises in violent situations.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I was going, "Oh, oh God! Agh!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"Oh, God, stop it!" And I wasn't alone.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41There was hundreds of people doing the same thing.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Then I looked over, and there was a bloke on the front row sat by himself,
0:04:44 > 0:04:45which is always weird,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48sat by himself just eating his Revel's not bothered.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54It's like, what has got to happen on the screen for you to be shocked?!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"Coffee, coffee.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05There's something wrong when you're watching Saw V eating a pick-and-mix.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Something's gone wrong there.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12I have been on tour quite a lot for the last 18 months or so.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It's good fun. But you end up playing games in the car by yourself.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You're doing 40-50,000 miles a year, it's boring.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You play games like Beat the SatNav.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I don't know if you've ever played this game.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26This is where a SatNav gives you an arrival time using GPS technology
0:05:26 > 0:05:30devised by the American military,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33and do you take that time as a fact?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36No, it's a challenge. It's a challenge.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40"The arrival time is 6.22." Oh, yes. We'll see about that.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Every minute you shave off, you're like, "Come on!"
0:05:45 > 0:05:48The other game that's very popular is trying to get the petrol
0:05:48 > 0:05:50bang on the zeros.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I don't know if you play this. You pop in and think,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"I'll stick a tenner in. Just stick a tenner in."
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Difficult game. Anyone over 50 is brilliant at this game.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59They've been playing longer than the rest of us.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01My dad can be having a chat, not even looking at it going round,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"So anyway I said to Barbara..."
0:06:03 > 0:06:051000!
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Is he doing it by sonar? How is that possible?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I'm still at the nervous stage, that sort of...
0:06:16 > 0:06:17£9.94.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28£9.97.
0:06:33 > 0:06:359.98.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Sweat pouring down me face. Heartbeat in me ears.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Look behind the glass, the bloke's like, "You're not going to do it, mate.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"You're not going to do it."
0:06:46 > 0:06:47"I did it somewhere else once."
0:06:57 > 0:06:59£9.99.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01HE EXHALES DEEPLY
0:07:04 > 0:07:061020! You bastard!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'll have to put £11 in now.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19It is weird, isn't it?
0:07:20 > 0:07:25It's like the one bit of OCD we all share, trying to get it on the zeros.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27You spend all that time getting it on the zeros,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30then you going to the shop and spend £1.84 on crisps.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34What did I do that for? I'm taking my brother on tour with me.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38My brother's a laugh. Not the brightest, not the brightest.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42We were playing football once, he opened up a new pair of shin pads, looked dead disappointed.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I said, "What's up with you?" He said, "I've just bought these."
0:07:45 > 0:07:48He said, "One's a large, one's a regular."
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I said, "I think that's left and right, mate,
0:07:50 > 0:07:54"I don't think they would sell 'em like that."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59His wife is a teacher and...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02primary school teacher, and he come home the other week
0:08:02 > 0:08:05and he said to me, "Have you heard what's going on at her school?"
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I said, "No." He says, "They've got this new thing, it's called two stars and a wish,
0:08:09 > 0:08:10"or sandwich punishment."
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I said, "Sandwich punishment, I don't understand what this is."
0:08:14 > 0:08:16"You can't just tell a kid off any more,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20"you've got to give him a compliment either side of the negative,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"so he doesn't go away feeling bad about himself."
0:08:22 > 0:08:24That's true, that's a real thing,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27and you wonder why the country's on its arse.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28All these people rioting,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"Oi, put that telly down, you little bastard!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:33"Although it is one of the top brands, so good choice."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Anyway, I said, "I don't really understand, what do you mean?
0:08:39 > 0:08:40"Give us an example."
0:08:40 > 0:08:44I did understand, I just know he's not very good at examples, so...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46So he says, "Well, you get the kid and you go right, you,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"you're good at colouring in, I'll give you that...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"..but you're a little shit."
0:08:54 > 0:08:57There was a bit of a pause and he went,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00"But your mum's quite fit, so..."
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I don't think that's come down from OFSTED, do you?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09They're the things that help comics, having a funny family,
0:09:09 > 0:09:10those sort of things help comics.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12The other thing that helps is the Comedy Gods.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16You don't know about the Comedy Gods if you're not a comedian, but the Comedy Gods,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19they float around all theatres, helping us out when we get ourselves in a jam.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Sometimes, you'll get a heckle, and the Comedy Gods help us out.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25What they do is they plant an idea, a little thing in your brain.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28It goes past that little filter - you know the filter that says,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"Should I say this out loud to a load of strangers?" -
0:09:30 > 0:09:32then comes straight out of your mouth.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34The first time you hear it is the first time you hear it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I've got in trouble loads of times, I remember getting in,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I was doing a gig in Liverpool... A GIRL SCREAMS
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Yeah, that's right.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44You don't come out of this very well, to be honest, love.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53I was doing a gig in Liverpool, and it's a great city.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54It is a great city, it's really fun,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56but early on, it's a hard place to play.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58And I was 17 when I first started stand-up,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01all fresh faced, not even shaving, and I've walked out onto the stage,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04there's only seven people in the audience.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06And one of them decided to heckle.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I've gone onto the stage and a bloke goes, "Where's your pubic hair?"
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I crumbled, I crumbled.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I don't know if anyone's been heckled at work, it's not nice.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, on stage.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And all of a sudden, I heard my voice.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And the first time I heard my voice, I thought, "I know that voice.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"Oh, shit, it's mine," that was the first thought I had.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28He went, "Where's your pubic hair?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:31And I heard myself just say, "In your wife's teeth." Right?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Now, I don't know where it came from.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I tell you something...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47..you're laughing more than they did.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I've still not been paid, that was a tough night, man, a tough night.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I remember looking out...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I was in Dudley another time, I was stuck in Dudley one night, and I was...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh, we get to all the great places.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00..and I was looking down...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Dudley's one of my most favourite places.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05About four years ago, in Dudley, there was a front-page news, right,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07that Dudley was the UFO hotspot of the UK.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09They interviewed this woman,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11who said the best thing I've ever read in my life.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15This is what she said, word for word, she went, "I was looking out the window..."
0:11:15 > 0:11:19She wasn't very good at the accent either, right!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21She goes, "I was looking out the window and I saw,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24"a Dorito-shaped object in the sky."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Just think about that for a second.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30A Dorito-shaped object in the sky.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I thought to myself, who, right, when describing shapes, right...
0:11:43 > 0:11:48..whose brain gets to Dorito, before it gets to triangle?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Who is that, what's going on there?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54That's someone who's seen more Doritos than triangles.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I was in Dublin recently and a woman came up to me at the airport,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02she went, "Oh, my God, it's you!" I said, "What?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05She went, "I can't believe it's you off the telly."
0:12:05 > 0:12:06I said, "Oh, right."
0:12:06 > 0:12:09She went, "Me mammy's a massive fan of you." I said, "Oh, I love it."
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Do you mind if I ring her?" I went, "No, of course."
0:12:11 > 0:12:13"Mammy, you'll never guess who's here,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16"it's only Tyrone from Coronation Street..."
0:12:20 > 0:12:25I still signed the autograph and that, but...it just felt wrong.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28We've got some proper famous people in,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31we've got Downton Abbey, where's the Downton Abbey folks?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33There they are, hello, Downton Abbey.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Which did very well in America,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40of course, winning lots of Emmys and stuff.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Did you go over and collect those awards?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44No, you weren't invited.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47That's fair enough, just Hugh Bonneville by himself.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48"I'll get this, you're all right."
0:12:48 > 0:12:52What I enjoyed was the fact that America loves it so much.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Of course America loves Downton Abbey,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57it's because that's what they think England is like all the time.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59They think it's a documentary.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I'd love to...
0:13:01 > 0:13:04A few months ago, American tourists were coming over to try and meet Hugh Bonneville,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07and they're expecting some gentleman to put his coat over a puddle,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11and actually, they just witnessed a bloke being sick in his own shoes
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and an eight year old petrol bombing Footlocker.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You know, it's very different!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Oh, it's very different off the telly, isn't it?
0:13:18 > 0:13:23We've got, McFly. God bless ya. God bless ya, McFly.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And, of course, you've got two front men, two lead singers.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Danny and Tom are the two lead singers.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Yeah, high five, I love it. Come on now, you're 30, stop it.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Can't do high fives any more.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Danny, of course, going out with Miss England. Yeah?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I love that, there she is, Miss England right there.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43WOLF-WHISTLES
0:13:43 > 0:13:47People just presuming she's pretty, that's a fair presumption.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52There's hundreds of men in this room who've told their girlfriend they're the prettiest woman in the country,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Danny's the only one who's got a certificate. It's official.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Who else have we got?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04We've got Sarah Beeny, everybody, Sarah Beeny. God bless ya.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Who, of course, runs a dating website.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12It's a dating website for single people, of course,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14and their friends put them on there.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Now, that works for women, doesn't it?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19That works for women, because women are nice, aren't they?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yeah.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24They go, "Ah, Rachel, she's dead funny, she's dead pretty,
0:14:24 > 0:14:25"and you'll have a lovely time.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"She just wants to go for walks and strolls,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29"and occasionally cry herself to sleep."
0:14:29 > 0:14:31But...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35..that's not going to work for blokes, is it?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Imagine a bloke putting his single mate on this website of Sarah's.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40"Yeah, Jeff, yeah, he's a bit of a knob-head.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"He's a big fella, you know, built for comfort, all that.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47"You know that bloke from the Go Compare advert?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49"Well, if you like him, you are going to love Jeff."
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Like Sarah, I've got loads of kids as well.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58You've got four, is it? Four boys?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I've got twin girls who are two years old,
0:15:00 > 0:15:04and I've got another one who's eight months, another girl, she's all right.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Well, you know, I've not known her as long. But...
0:15:06 > 0:15:09It's hard, because they let you go home the next day.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I think that's too soon. They let you go the next day,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and you're like, "I'd rather stay here surrounded by professionals,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"and machines and that, know what they're doing."
0:15:17 > 0:15:19They let you go with this human child,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21and you think, have I strapped 'em into the car seat OK?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You're going about four mile an hour crying, driving home,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28tractors overtaking you, people walking past you on the pavement.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Every time you go round a corner, you can hear the baby moving about in the boot.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare from day one.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And nappies, of course. I went into ASDA one night.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I said, "Excuse me, love, where are your nappies?"
0:15:41 > 0:15:44She said, "Babies nappies?" I was like, "Yeah!"
0:15:44 > 0:15:49I would have asked where the toilets were, wouldn't I?
0:15:49 > 0:15:54I don't want to see that, at the supermarket, some bloke coming out of ASDA George changing room,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"Have you got these Huggies in a 38, love? "They're chaffing me."
0:15:59 > 0:16:02There was this one night, where one of my daughters,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05she'd not had a poo for five days, right?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I know, awful, nobody wanted to hold her.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10You know, when it gets to that point? It's like a dirty game of Buckaroo.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14You're like, "Oh, no, you have her."
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Anyway, one night, I'm lying in bed,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18it's about three o'clock in the morning,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20and a noise comes over the baby monitor.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24And it wasn't a cry, I would have been expecting that.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27It was like this, imagine this. Pitch black...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31LONG RUMBLING
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Now, my first thought was that Predator had just walked past my window, like,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44kind of had a weird dream, like.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Anyway, I dropped back off.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I thought, there's no point us both being awake,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52so I dropped back off...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57She'll still be there in the morning.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I dropped back off, about ten minutes later...
0:17:05 > 0:17:09LONG RUMBLING
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Now, that's a terrifying noise to hear,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22but not as scary as two words from my wife,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"You go." I was like...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I tell you what now, Apollo, I went in that room...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I never changed that nappy, that nappy changed me.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Do you know what I mean?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I've not been the same since, man.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Are you ready for your first act of the night, folks?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Please welcome one of my favourite acts in the world,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50please welcome Jimeoin.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Thank you.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Not a bad entrance.
0:18:11 > 0:18:18Best entrance I ever seen was a swan coming to land on a piece of water, on a lake,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and, er...
0:18:21 > 0:18:27as he hit the water, his two feet left off a spray either side,
0:18:27 > 0:18:32and as he slowed down, he just showed off his wings before folding 'em away.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34He did that...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Oh, yeah, he knew it was good.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Other birds don't have such a good entrance.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Pigeons don't make a big fuss when they arrive, do they?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Any messages?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Stupid walk, isn't it?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13All birds have got stupid walks.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Chickens, why do chickens walk like they're in a minefield?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It was one step too many there, wasn't it?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47So, one chicken just walking round like this here,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49he didn't care where he was going.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Next thing, he blew up.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I saw two pigeons... Last pigeon joke, I swear.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I saw two pigeons in a park, male pigeon, female pigeon.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Male pigeon's making a move on the female pigeon,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06doing that thing where he's got his neck all fluffed up,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10you know, doing that, and he had a little bit of a purple two-tone band,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'd never really noticed it before.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15But it was working for him, subtle, but, you know...
0:20:15 > 0:20:16I thought, that's nice.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And he was doing that, "Brrr!"
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I don't know what he was saying to the female pigeon,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27but whatever it was, it was pure filth.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Cos the female pigeon was going...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39..get him away from me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43And he was doing that, he had that neck, he was doing that...
0:20:47 > 0:20:49That's always filth, isn't it?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Do you ever talk filth to a girl and go too far,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54and then you can't back up?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"Sorry, love, that was a bit much, wasn't it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Let's start again.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03"What's your name?"
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Trick to talking filth is...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13you've got to get them talking filth.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16And the trick to that is just mumble the last bit.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18That's all you have to do.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22You go, "When I get you home, I'm going to..."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27And they know what you're up to, and if they're not up for it,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29they always go, "No, no, no, no, no, no."
0:21:29 > 0:21:33But if they're up for it, they always go, "What did you just say?"
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And then you can go, "What do you want me to do?"
0:21:35 > 0:21:39And then you've got them talking filth and you've said nothing.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43And then you can go, "No, no, no, I'm not having that."
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I don't talk filth to my wife, I talk clean to my wife.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53I go, "When I get you home... I'm going to...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"put the bins out.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"You slip into bed and I'll...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"stick the dishwasher on.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"Read your book, fall asleep, I'll slip in beside you...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11"..and leave you alone."
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"You promise?" "Tonight's the night."
0:22:18 > 0:22:22So, my name's Jimeoin, I'm Irish.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Any Irish people in?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27CHEERING
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Good to hear. I'm from Northern Ireland.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33But I'm Irish.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37There's a difference, yeah.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41I was actually born on an island off the coast of Ireland
0:22:41 > 0:22:43called England.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55English people called Irish people stupid.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57We didn't like that.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00But we didn't really have a good comeback.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Wasn't till I went to Australia
0:23:05 > 0:23:09and they called English people whinging poms.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I thought, that's fantastic.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I thought, why didn't we think of that?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Must be stupid or something.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Any Australians in?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24CHEERING
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Good to see. Any New Zealanders?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29CHEERING
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Oh, God.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Cheap tickets.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Any Tibetans?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I hate Tibetans... No.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I don't care who hears this, I'm going to tell it as it is.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I was in New Zealand, I went to a rugby match.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And I was sitting in the stand and they all got up,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58all these school kids got up and started doing the Haka round me,
0:23:58 > 0:23:59doing that, you know, that...
0:24:03 > 0:24:07That's the way they do it too, you know, they give it everything,
0:24:07 > 0:24:08they fully commit to it.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11You never see anyone doing a half-hearted Haka.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12You never see that.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34I'd love to see England play New Zealand in the rugby in the finals.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36And while the All Blacks are doing the Haka,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40the English team just doing a little bit of Morris dancing.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Hankies and ribbons.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55"Go under - you go under!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Didn't look at my watch when I came on,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10pretty stupid to be looking at it now.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Need your eyebrows up to read your watch.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Otherwise, you don't take in the time, do you?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28My...my watch
0:25:28 > 0:25:31has got the date on it and some months have got 30 days,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and others have got 31.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37The ones that have got 30, you have to do the extra day yourself.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40But before you do it, you do that rhyme in your head,
0:25:40 > 0:25:4330 days has September...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45you always do the rhyme twice, cos you get to the end
0:25:45 > 0:25:48of the rhyme the first time and then you're thinking,
0:25:48 > 0:25:50hang on, I wasn't listening to myself then!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I was trying to see how fast I could go!
0:25:59 > 0:26:00You never get to the end of the rhyme,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03you only get to the month you need to know and you think,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06there is no point in doing the whole rhyme, that's all I need to know.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Some months are easier than other months.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11September is very easy.
0:26:11 > 0:26:1330 days has September...
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Right.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24It's not a good rhyme, though, is it? Start out good.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Just drops off towards the end.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29This is what we learned at school.
0:26:29 > 0:26:3230 days hath September, April, June and November.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36All the rest have 31, except for February, which has 28.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Except in a leap year, it has 29.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Whoever got that job to make that rhyme
0:26:45 > 0:26:47obviously got bored halfway through.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"I haven't time for this.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59"I have other rhymes to be working on. I'm a busy boy."
0:27:06 > 0:27:08So... Life's good.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10But tedious.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It is, isn't it?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's just the same shit, over and over again.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Putting the bins out, that's a real reminder of how tedious life is.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I've been here before, I hate this.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Sneaking rubbish into other people's bins, I enjoy THAT.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Balaclava on...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Never been caught.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I hate it when I'm in bed and I realise I haven't put the bins out.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44You know when you're lying in... "Bin night!"
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Or, bin morning, when you're in a deep sleep
0:27:51 > 0:27:53- and you can hear the bin truck. - HOOTS
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Running down the path naked with two bins behind you.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04That's no way to start the day, is it?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Do you ever worry about something and then forget what it is
0:28:10 > 0:28:11that you are worrying about?
0:28:11 > 0:28:15And then you're thinking, I should be worrying about something
0:28:15 > 0:28:17but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20And then you remember, that you go, ah, yes.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29But I'm at that age where I just forget what I'm doing
0:28:29 > 0:28:31a lot of the time.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34I walk into rooms, go, "What did I come in here for? Oh, yeah."
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Open the fridge, go into soft focus.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Driving my car going, where am I going?
0:28:44 > 0:28:48I was looking for something in the fridge....
0:28:51 > 0:28:54It's amazing what you can find in the fridge, when you're pissed.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58You open up the fridge when you're sober, you go, "Nothing in there."
0:29:00 > 0:29:04You open up the same fridge when you're pissed, and you go, "Aha!"
0:29:07 > 0:29:11"My favourite! Lettuce and yoghurt.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17"I'll just fry that up in a pan..."
0:29:19 > 0:29:22You always fry things up in a pan, even if they're fried already.
0:29:22 > 0:29:23You think, fry it again.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Cover it with dirty stinking grease, that's what I need when I'm pissed.
0:29:28 > 0:29:32Healthy food never has a look-in, does it?
0:29:32 > 0:29:36Never come out of a pub and think to yourself, I'd love an apple!
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Suddenly you get an apple, you think, right! Fry it up in a pan.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much, and...
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Good night, thank you.
0:29:48 > 0:29:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- Jimeoin, everyone!- Thank you.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Jimeoin!
0:29:59 > 0:30:03Are you ready for another act, folks?
0:30:03 > 0:30:08Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tom Stade!
0:30:20 > 0:30:22All right...
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Wow, all right.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Good evening, Apollo!
0:30:25 > 0:30:27WHOOPING
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Very happy to be here.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33I know a lot a people tonight, you're going to be thinking to yourself,
0:30:33 > 0:30:36you're going to be going, "Tom...
0:30:36 > 0:30:39"Tom, you're not from around these parts."
0:30:39 > 0:30:43And you're going to be thinking to yourself, you're going to be going, "Tom...
0:30:43 > 0:30:48"where is that funky accent from?"
0:30:48 > 0:30:51And I'm here to tell ya,
0:30:51 > 0:30:55it's from smoking dope for 20 years.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02This ain't a regional thing, ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07This is what the doctor likes to call "damage".
0:31:08 > 0:31:11I've actually been married for about 16 years now.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Any married people?
0:31:13 > 0:31:17I love being married, because I get to do things that, like...
0:31:17 > 0:31:20I go on what I call married dates, man.
0:31:20 > 0:31:25And I love married dates, because you can say stuff on a married date
0:31:25 > 0:31:28that you can't say on no first date.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31You get to say stuff like, "I'm going to go take a shit,
0:31:31 > 0:31:33"you order something cheap."
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Yeah, man, I've got to go on married dates,
0:31:44 > 0:31:47because I don't have any friends any more.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50All my friends became assholes.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53And do you want to know why my friends became assholes?
0:31:53 > 0:31:58Cos she told me they were assholes.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02Yeah. I used to get this from my gal all the time.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04She used to walk up to me and go,
0:32:04 > 0:32:10"So, er, why do you hang out with that Dave guy, anyways?
0:32:10 > 0:32:15"I mean, Jesus Christ, all he does is smoke pot and get drunk all day."
0:32:15 > 0:32:18And no man can answer that honestly, you know.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21No man... What are you going to say?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24"No, baby, I'd rather argue with you for ten hours.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27"Or maybe we can hang around the kitchen table
0:32:27 > 0:32:29"and talk about the finances some more?"
0:32:31 > 0:32:33But you ever pull that on your gal,
0:32:33 > 0:32:36you ever walk up to your gal and go,
0:32:36 > 0:32:41"Oh, yeah, well, what about your friend Cindy?
0:32:41 > 0:32:45"She does the same damn thing."
0:32:45 > 0:32:46You want to know what you get?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48You get this...
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Now, you see that little arm cross there?
0:32:54 > 0:32:58Not a lot of people know it, but when a woman crosses her arms,
0:32:58 > 0:33:01it means, "Fight's on, dickhead."
0:33:03 > 0:33:07And do you want to know what I hate worse than the arm cross?
0:33:07 > 0:33:11Is there's this little laugh that women give you after the arm cross.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16And I've heard this laugh 1,000 times, from 1,000 different women,
0:33:16 > 0:33:20it's like cave women have passed this laugh on.
0:33:20 > 0:33:24Cos they just look at you and they're like... "Ho-ho-ho."
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Like they've just witnessed a car accident.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Yeah, because once you hear that laugh,
0:33:32 > 0:33:37the gates of hell have closed behind you. Then they're into it.
0:33:37 > 0:33:44Then they're like, "Don't. You. Talk. About. Cindy. Like. That!"
0:33:44 > 0:33:46And I'll tell you why,
0:33:46 > 0:33:53and every single one of you women in this room know why you don't talk about Cindy like that.
0:33:53 > 0:33:59- SOBBING - Because she is going through a really rough...time.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03APPLAUSE
0:34:07 > 0:34:10So, Cindy's going through a rough time?
0:34:10 > 0:34:13Well, at least Dave was never a hooker.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20Cos I used to know stuff, man.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23I used to know stuff. Before I was married, I knew stuff.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I used to know all the new rock 'n' roll bands.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29I used to be into it. McFly and stuff.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Now, I don't know...
0:34:33 > 0:34:36I don't know any new rock 'n' roll bands any more
0:34:36 > 0:34:40because nobody sings songs for married people.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43All the songs nowadays is stuff like...
0:34:43 > 0:34:46# I met you today And I want to shag you right now. #
0:34:48 > 0:34:50And that don't speak to me.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54And if it did, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Nobody rocks out to marriage,
0:34:57 > 0:35:02nobody's in the garage singing about love that never ends and goes on until you die.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Nobody sitting there going...
0:35:07 > 0:35:12# We've been together for 16 years And we've got our health
0:35:22 > 0:35:25# I can't afford to leave ya now!
0:35:31 > 0:35:34# Compromise
0:35:34 > 0:35:37# Killed my dreams. #
0:35:41 > 0:35:44See, some people can laugh at that.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47A lot of people right now are looking at me going,
0:35:47 > 0:35:49"That's a little close to the bone, Tom.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"Now you're talking about us."
0:35:53 > 0:35:55And I know there's a woman in this room now
0:35:55 > 0:35:57probably looking at her man going,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00"You don't feel that way about me, do ya?
0:36:00 > 0:36:03"I didn't compromise your dreams...
0:36:03 > 0:36:07"did I?"
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Your dreams get compromised.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12As soon as you have kids.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15I had two kids, that's when my dreams went out the window.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17I had to give my dreams to them.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20I had two kids, man, it's weird.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22I only thought I'd have one.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25So, we had the first one, and then we thought,
0:36:25 > 0:36:31"OK, we'll have another one, and we'll be creating a playmate for the first one."
0:36:31 > 0:36:36But really, what we did is created the first kid's arch-nemesis.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Superman, I'd like to introduce you to Lex Luthor.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50You just get dumber.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53My kid makes me feel stupid.
0:36:53 > 0:36:59My kid's always asking me questions I don't know.
0:36:59 > 0:37:00My kid's always coming up to me going,
0:37:00 > 0:37:02"Hey, dad, why's the sky blue?"
0:37:02 > 0:37:06I'm like, "Why don't you go to school and learn something, dickhead?
0:37:10 > 0:37:13"Why are you embarrassing me in front of all my friends?
0:37:16 > 0:37:20"How did you get into this strip club, anyways?
0:37:22 > 0:37:25"Why don't you ask me questions I know?
0:37:25 > 0:37:29"Like, why is your mom crying in the bathroom?
0:37:29 > 0:37:32"Cos she likes to play the victim, son."
0:37:38 > 0:37:42I don't get to do anything I want to do any more.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46I do women things, man. I gotta go out shopping now.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49I go shopping.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51I've been to a lot of your stores here.
0:37:51 > 0:37:56You know one of my favourite stores since I've been here, that she's taken me to?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Is a little place called Primark.
0:37:58 > 0:37:59Yeah.
0:37:59 > 0:38:04I'm convinced, I'm convinced nobody goes there to buy anything,
0:38:04 > 0:38:06but just to mess the place up, man!
0:38:08 > 0:38:12The only store I've ever seen where people go, "These jeans are shit!"
0:38:21 > 0:38:22You've got to be a...
0:38:22 > 0:38:25I'd hate to be the guy that folded clothes at Primark.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26You gotta be a ninja.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42Just cos stuff is cheap, English people,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45doesn't mean you gotta chuck it around.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50That's why Argos keeps all their stuff in the back.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02They don't trust you.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05They're like, just show them pictures of the shit...
0:39:07 > 0:39:08Make sure it's laminated.
0:39:21 > 0:39:26I love Argos, man. My woman took me there. I freaked out about Argos.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28You English people do stuff different.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31You got that catalogue shopping at Argos.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35The only store where you keep the catalogue at the store.
0:39:36 > 0:39:41Like people go, hey, do you want to go down to Argos and check out the catalogue?
0:39:42 > 0:39:45"Why don't we bring it here?" "Cos that's not what you do here.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50"We are going to go down there and check this stuff is in stock or out of stock.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53"Spend the day there."
0:39:55 > 0:39:58I'll tell you something, Argos freaks me out.
0:39:58 > 0:40:05First time I walked into Argos, they made me feel like I was a spy.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Because I walked up to that teller
0:40:07 > 0:40:11and I handed her this little piece of paper.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16And she just looked at me and went, "OK."
0:40:19 > 0:40:21"Go to checkpoint B."
0:40:29 > 0:40:34I went to checkpoint B. They didn't even know who I was.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36I was like, "You don't know me?"
0:40:36 > 0:40:40"I'm 376."
0:40:42 > 0:40:45"I think you have a package for me."
0:40:49 > 0:40:53My woman, she loves Argos, man.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56My woman loves Argos cos of that catalogue.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59Women love catalogues.
0:40:59 > 0:41:03A catalogue to a woman is like the Bible.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05Except real.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Yeah.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Yeah, stuff actually happens in the catalogue.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17My woman doesn't even need to look at the index
0:41:17 > 0:41:22to know what page the stuff she wants is on.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25My woman walk into Argos, just kick those doors open...
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Grab her little red gambler pen...
0:41:31 > 0:41:33"I feel lucky, Tom."
0:41:33 > 0:41:37And she'll flip through that catalogue like she was a Jedi Knight.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41- She'll be like... - HE IMITATES LIGHTSABER
0:41:41 > 0:41:43That's what I want, Tom.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48And I'm always amazed, I'm like, "Wow! How do you do that?"
0:41:48 > 0:41:52- She goes, "I'll show you something else, Tom." - HE IMITATES LIGHTSABER
0:41:52 > 0:41:54That's what you want.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58And I'm standing there looking at it, going,
0:41:58 > 0:42:01"I don't even know what I want."
0:42:01 > 0:42:05And then I look at it and I go, "Holy...shit, that IS what I want!"
0:42:06 > 0:42:09A trampoline!
0:42:13 > 0:42:21Cos I didn't want a trampoline for £129.95.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24But for £79.95,
0:42:24 > 0:42:26I needed a trampoline.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32And I'll tell you something, you can't just buy no trampoline.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35You got to get all your trampoline trimmings.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Got to get that safety cage.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42In case you don't know how to bounce up and down.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50One of these sideways bouncers.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Turns out, I'm a sideway bouncer.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00Bouncing from side to side, I smash my head against that safety bar
0:43:00 > 0:43:03and I'm bleeding in the safety cage.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Thank God that safety bar was there
0:43:07 > 0:43:09to stop me from landing on that soft grass!
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:13 > 0:43:15You've been...
0:43:15 > 0:43:17excellent!
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Tom Stade, everybody!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Have you had a good night, folks?
0:43:31 > 0:43:33So, please show your appreciation for the acts you saw tonight.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35You saw Jimeoin!
0:43:35 > 0:43:38And Tom Stade!
0:43:38 > 0:43:40I've been Jason Manford.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Good night. God bless. Thank you very much.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd