0:00:18 > 0:00:22'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25'Jack Whitehall!'
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Live at the Apollo.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54we have a cracking show in store for you this evening.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57You are in for a treat.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And let me say, you look like you deserve it.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01This looks like a beautiful audience.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- CHEERING - Oh, yeah.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Some beautiful faces in here.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And also a couple of famous faces as well. Oh, yes.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12A star-studded audience tonight in the Hammersmith Apollo.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Kerry Katona is in the house.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15CHEERING
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh, yeah. Kerry Katona.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I love Kerry!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I watched Kerry, I watched you on the Big Brother.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Celebrity Big Brother.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I wasn't sure, about this series of Celebrity Big Brother,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33truth be told.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I thought quite a predictable series, Celebrity Big Brother.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It was won by a gypsy.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Well, obviously he was going to be the last one to get evicted.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50No, it's nice to have you here, Kerry.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53It's lovely everyone has come out to the Hammersmith Apollo
0:01:53 > 0:01:55to have a laugh, to enjoy yourselves
0:01:55 > 0:01:56because I think, on the whole,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59we are quite a grumpy nation. We are a grumpy nation of people
0:01:59 > 0:02:02but I think that's something that we should celebrate.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Celebrate how grumpy we are
0:02:03 > 0:02:07because that's what makes us British, and if we weren't like this
0:02:07 > 0:02:09we'd be like Americans, and we don't want that.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13There are some things in this great country, oh, yeah,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17there are some things that we will never have,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and we need to embrace that. Like customer service.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We are never going to have customer service in the UK.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26They love that shit in America. I don't want it here.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Go into a shop in the UK, you know what you're getting put through, yeah?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Like your phone shop, for example.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You walk into the Carphone Warehouse, you know the drill.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38You know if you go to Carphone Warehouse you can get ignored for days.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43There'll be a corpse where an elderly gentleman's
0:02:43 > 0:02:45tried to upgrade without his wife there to help,
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and even when you do get assistance
0:02:47 > 0:02:50it's going to be from some patronising little suited teenager,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54constantly asking you, "How many minutes you talk in a month, bruv?"
0:02:54 > 0:02:58When you leave the shop, you feel like you've earned your phone.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I broke my phone when I was in America.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I had to go into the Apple Store in New York.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Oh, my God! The Apple Store in New York
0:03:05 > 0:03:08is like a big, white, glistening cathedral
0:03:08 > 0:03:10of twats!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Before you even have your foot in the door,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17there's a wank-tard in your face.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18"Hey, buddy, my name's Drew.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"I'm here to buy a phone, not make a friend. Piss off."
0:03:27 > 0:03:31They genuinely applaud the first customer in of the day -
0:03:31 > 0:03:32the Apple Store in New York -
0:03:32 > 0:03:35they all stand around applauding the idiot as he walks in.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"Whoo, we love you, man, customer number one, you rock."
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Can you imagine getting away with that at a phone shop in the UK?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43I think not!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46T-Mobile in the Westfield Shopping Centre?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The only customer getting applauded is the last one OUT of the day.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"Oh, thank Christ you've gone, mate.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55"We can all go down the pub, you BlackBerry wanker!"
0:03:55 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I don't like customer service.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10And it works both ways as well.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14When I was in America I needed to use the train, and I was on the platform,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and I saw a poster in one of the stations, right?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19It had on it one of their rail employees -
0:04:19 > 0:04:22she was there, all made up, her eyes full of life and hope.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24She had a smile across her face,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and then underneath it, a little slogan,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31"Hey, you got enough snacks for the journey? Enjoy your trip."
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Compare that to the posters you get up and down this great island
0:04:35 > 0:04:38on every single station platform. What is it?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42A poster of a National Rail employee with a massive black eye.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"Please don't hit our staff."
0:04:44 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Yeah.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Some stuff will never ever make the crossover.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01Like, customer service is one of them but there's so many more that I've noticed.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Like, Skins is another interesting example.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Skins, the popular teen drama, was huge here.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08It ran for, like, five, six series.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11We sold it to America and they cancelled it after one season,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13and the reason they gave for cancelling it
0:05:13 > 0:05:16is because they didn't want to watch it because, in America,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18they'd decided that Skins was unrealistic -
0:05:18 > 0:05:22it depicted young adults unrealistically going out,
0:05:22 > 0:05:28indulging in sexual practices, drinking alcoholic beverages
0:05:28 > 0:05:31and, reality check UK, that is unrealistic.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34We do not want to watch that here in the USA.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Oh, I'm sorry, America(!) Look at us with our ludicrous English writers,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43coming up with these ridiculously far-fetched situations
0:05:43 > 0:05:46where teenagers go out, enjoy themselves,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49sleep around and have a little bit too much to drink,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51rather than walking into their schools and shooting each other
0:05:51 > 0:05:53whilst being morbidly obese.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06They take everything, they take all of our best TV.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Saddest news I have had in recent times
0:06:08 > 0:06:11is that the Americans have stolen from us
0:06:11 > 0:06:14one of our great British institutions -
0:06:14 > 0:06:16they've taken Jeremy Kyle!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20He's going to Florida. What am I going to do?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23How am I going to spend my days? Jeremy Kyle is what I watch.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Jeremy Kyle is my only way of working out what makes relationships work.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29That's my go-to guy,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31and now I don't have him any more.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33If you've never been, I implore you to go,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36cos I went to Manchester to the Jeremy Kyle studio
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and I witnessed one of the most incredible scenes I had ever seen,
0:06:39 > 0:06:44cos I saw a man take on Jeremy Kyle and nearly walk away the victor.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49It was beautiful, cos when he walked into the studio, I didn't give him a hope in hell, right?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51His name was Spider, right?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53He was wearing a matching shell suit and cap.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58I was like, "Oh, my God, man, Jeremy Kyle is going to chew you up and spit you up the other end,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"and you know what, I hope he gets done with you quickly,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03"so we can get on to the squabbling sisters that are both having sex
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"with the same guy, cos that's what I came this afternoon!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:11But right from the outset, Spider showed some serious promise.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Kyle started off with a standard Jeremy Kyle opening round
0:07:15 > 0:07:17little teaser question.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19He was like, "So, Spider, tell me,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21"why don't you see much of your children?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Quick as a flash, Spider's like, "Well, Jeremy,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"to be perfectly honest, the reason that
0:07:25 > 0:07:29"I don't see much of my children is cos I've gotta work two jobs -
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"one during the day, and then I've also gotta do a night shift
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"to earn enough money to pay them
0:07:34 > 0:07:36"the child support that they deserve."
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I sat up in my chair. I was like, "Ooh, this guy's good!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"What have you got next, Kyle?" Kyle coils back for another blow.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47He's like, "So, Spider, I hear...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58"I hear that you're a bit of a drinker."
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Ooh, it's a low blow, the sobriety test early on.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04This is gonna see whether Spider's got what it takes
0:08:04 > 0:08:05to go the full 12 rounds.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08"Well, Jeremy, I admit that I was a little bit of a drinker.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"But I have sought professional guidance and help.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12"I've attended various AA meetings,
0:08:12 > 0:08:17"and I am now proud to say that I have been sober for three years."
0:08:17 > 0:08:20What the hell is going on here?!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Have I just witnessed a man
0:08:22 > 0:08:25sidestep Jeremy Kyle two times in a row?!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27That's not in the script!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Maybe the matador has finally met his match
0:08:29 > 0:08:31in this deadly dance of death.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"What do you want next, Kyle? You're on the ropes."
0:08:33 > 0:08:36He swoops down to his side. He pulls up an envelope.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39We all know what that means. It's lie detector time!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43"Spider, we asked you under lie detector whether you had ever
0:08:43 > 0:08:46"cheated with Rachel when you were in a relationship with her.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"You said that you hadn't. You were in fact...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"..telling the truth?"
0:08:51 > 0:08:57OMG. FML. The audience then cheered for Spider.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02I was like, "I am gonna be telling my grandchildren about this shit!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04"We've sided with Spider! This is like Rocky IV.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06"We're the Russians and we're cheering for Rocky!"
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Kyle didn't know what to do.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Blood was streaming.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12He had one last throw of the dice, and it needed to be doubles,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14cos he was in jail right then.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18He put his hand up to his ear. He was calling in for backup!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21He goes, "Spider, I've had a word with our researchers,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24"and they tell me that you have a motto."
0:09:24 > 0:09:29Oh, Jeremy! Is that all you've got? A motto?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Of course Spider's got a motto.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34We've already established that this gentleman is not a mug.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38You thought he'd walk into the studio without a motto?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh, Jeremy, don't be ridiculous!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Well, come on, Spider, old buddy, old pal,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45tell Jeremy what your motto is.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Put him to the sword, and then you can parade round the studio
0:09:48 > 0:09:51with his head on a blooded spike.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54What's the motto gonna be, Spider? We can't wait! Carpe diem?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Mother knows best? Complete silence befell the studio.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Spider pursed his lips, suddenly elevated like Moses on the mound.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10We looked at him, and then, "Well, Jeremy,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"if a woman can give a punch, she can take one."
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I learned a valuable lesson that day!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Relationships do not require mottos.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I had for some time been wanting to get into a relationship
0:10:36 > 0:10:40and, lo and behold, I met the woman of my dreams. She was incredible, right?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43As soon as we start going out the problems start emerging
0:10:43 > 0:10:45cos, when I first met her she was great,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49but as soon as the relationship became official, she changed.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52When I first met her she was cool, she was funny, exciting.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57She said she was bi. I was like, "Oooh! Sexy!"
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Turns out she meant bipolar. She was...
0:10:59 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:05And she scared me as well, like, she intimidated me.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10The older woman. She liked things I wasn't comfortable with, in the bedroom, for example.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13That was a nightmare, because she liked to be experimental in the bedroom.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17When it comes to the bedroom, I'm quite English about the whole thing.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Quite sort of English Victorian, right?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I want three minutes in the dark, then we both roll over,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25assume the foetal position and cry for a bit.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27That's how it should be done, right?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30None of this talking, as well. I hate the talking.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32This is the element I can't stand.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35They say during sex that a woman should lie back and think of England.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40I think they should lie back and think of London, specifically, London Underground.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Don't make any eye contact and don't dare start a conversation.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53This girl, she was obsessed with doing all the talking,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and I'd warned her, I had warned her, people,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58this voice does not work in the bedroom.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It is not a sexy voice, so stop trying to make me dirty talk,
0:12:01 > 0:12:05but she persisted in doing it. She tried to trick me.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09She'd be like, "Oh, Jack, tell me I've been a bad girl."
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- SLIGHTLY EFFEMINATE TONE: - "You've been a bad girl."
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"How bad?" "I don't know. Is there a scale?
0:12:15 > 0:12:19"Worse than a looter, not as bad as Harold Shipman. Are you happy?"
0:12:19 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:27There were so many problems with our relationship, so many issues.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30The major one was that her friends didn't like me
0:12:30 > 0:12:34and, as a guy, if a girl's friends don't like you, you are screwed.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35There's nothing you can do.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It's like laws of the animal kingdom. Girls are like a pride,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42they're gracious, they look after, nurture the weakest of the group.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Guys don't give a shit.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47They will kick out the weakest to rot in the sun.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49If you want to observe this in all of its beauty,
0:12:49 > 0:12:52the savannah, if you will, is the airport.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54When you see groups of girls and groups of guys
0:12:54 > 0:12:59going as lads and girls on tour, to like, Ayia Napa, Ibiza, Magaluf,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03and it all starts in the airports with the tour T-shirts
0:13:03 > 0:13:05and the tour hoodies they've had made up.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08You see the girls with their little wheelies,
0:13:08 > 0:13:12their little neatly ironed pink hoodies they've organised months in advance,
0:13:12 > 0:13:16with little nicknames, on the back, in glitter...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Except with girls it's not nicknames, is it?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It's character building.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23They'll find any positive about their friends and celebrate it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It's incredible to see.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You'll see the group of girls and at the back
0:13:27 > 0:13:29there'll be this 300-tonne hunk of ham
0:13:29 > 0:13:32with like, a gammy leg, chins growing out of their ears
0:13:32 > 0:13:35you didn't even know a chin could grow out of.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38She reaches herself round to see if there's a queue outside Greggs,
0:13:38 > 0:13:42and on her back in glitter it just says, "Angel Eyes".
0:13:43 > 0:13:45You can't deny her eyes are gorgeous.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48They follow you around the room, because one of them is lazy.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Next to them in the queue you've got the guys,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55they're crawling over a bin liner full of T-shirts,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57desperate to get the one that says "Shagger."
0:13:57 > 0:14:00And then they start dishing them out amongst their friends,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04except with them it's not nicknames. It's character assassination,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08with no wit or reason to it whatsoever.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It's just like, "Dick Splash," "Shithead," "Tit Face,"
0:14:10 > 0:14:14some poor guy in a wheelchair getting forced into one that says "Top Gear."
0:14:14 > 0:14:15It's cruel.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19He's not even part of their group.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And they get on the holiday,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25it's no different when they're actually on the holiday.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Groups of girls on holiday, if they're sunbathing on the beach,
0:14:28 > 0:14:33and one of them falls asleep in the sun, they'll wake them up.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34That's what they do.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37A guy wouldn't dream of doing that.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39The girls, it's like, "Angel Eyes, Angel Eyes,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"wake up! You're falling asleep in the sun.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46"You're burning all over your shoulders. Girls, quickly, get some suntan!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"We're going to need more than that. Come on, girls.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"It'll be all right. We're looking out for you
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"cos we're BFF, friends for ever."
0:14:53 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Further on down the beach, "Oi, what's Jay doing?" "Shh!"
0:15:00 > 0:15:05"He's fallen asleep in the midday sun." "Oh, wow!"
0:15:05 > 0:15:10"Shall we put some suntan lotion on him?" "Yeah!"
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"I'll draw the balls, you do the shaft."
0:15:13 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Yes. It's very funny, isn't it, Hammersmith Apollo?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Laugh it all up. That will take weeks to go!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:15:23 > 0:15:26APPLAUSE
0:15:28 > 0:15:32WHISTLING
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Someone wolf-whistled. That was NOT sexy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48"Yeah, that's how I like my guys - with a cock on their chest."
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Maybe Kerry.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56No, I didn't...
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I couldn't resist!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02The relationship, it didn't last.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07And it WAS my fault. It was a Friday night when it happened,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11because she had arranged dinner and then a movie. That sounds quite fun,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14but it is not fun, because she's a sophisticated, mature woman.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16This was a sophisticated, mature dinner,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19and I hate going to fancy restaurants on dates,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21because if you go to a fancy restaurant on a date,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24they make you look like an idiot. If you take a girl on a date,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28you need to go somewhere where you can look like you're in control,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31which is why, if you're ever taking a girl on a date,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34there is only one place, and one place alone, you can take them.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Any takers?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- AUDIENCE: Nando's.- Nando's!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Correct!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Nando's is where you take them,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46because if you go to Nando's you can look like you know your shit.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50You arrive at Nando's early. You're greeted at the door.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Hello, has sir ever been to Nando's before?"
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"Yes, I have, my good man,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58"and we both know you'll be doing absolutely bugger all this evening, so stand aside!"
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Take that booth in the corner.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06"Ooh, banquette seating, nice for scooching up together when this gets interesting later on."
0:17:06 > 0:17:09First, time for the wine. "What would Madame like?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"A dry Sancerre or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc?"
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Doesn't matter, it's Nando's. They both taste exactly the same.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Which leads us on to the food.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"Do you like chicken?" Good, cos it's all chicken.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I already know what I'm getting.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It's a double chicken breast in a pitta, lemon and herb spice,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28but at the last minute, I'm asking the guy at the counter
0:17:28 > 0:17:29to swap the little flags round
0:17:29 > 0:17:32so he can put in one that says it's extra hot,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35so when I'm eating it she thinks that I'm hard as nails.
0:17:35 > 0:17:41"Would sir like cheese and pineapple with that?" Why does anyone want cheese and pineapple with chicken?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44It makes no logical sense. Her dinner has arrived.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48She's ordered two sides, one of macho peas, one of witty repartee.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51At this point in proceedings, ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54she is eating out of the palm of my hand,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58mainly because I've forgotten to get the bloody cutlery from the tooling-up desk.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00But it doesn't matter,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03because he's about to ask the question every woman asks.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05This is the killer, this is make or break time -
0:18:05 > 0:18:08whether she'll get into the cab with you or not.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10She turns to me, looks lovingly into my eyes and says,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"Jack, what's peri-peri?"
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Ooh. "A very, very good question, my dear."
0:18:17 > 0:18:21This is the final penalty in the shoot-out at Wembley. This is make or break time.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24A very good question. What is peri-peri?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I'll let you into a secret, Hammersmith Apollo. It's a good question, but also one
0:18:28 > 0:18:31nobody actually knows the answer to,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33so you can make up whatever the hell you like
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and she's still going to be impressed.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39"Peri-peri, my dear, is a blend of aromatic spices
0:18:39 > 0:18:42"bonded together by tears of Portuguese widows who lost their husbands at sea.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"El hombre est il mort."
0:18:45 > 0:18:47And she's mine!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time to move on with proceedings.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Our first act this evening, he's a lovely guy.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05He's an incredible stand-up. You are absolutely going to love him.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07You're in for a treat. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10will you please give a warm welcome to the stage
0:19:10 > 0:19:13to the wonderful Josh Widdicombe.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Hello.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30CHEERING
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Yes. Are you well? - AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I struggle with those questions. I never know what to answer.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I'm only confident answering a question
0:19:38 > 0:19:41is when I'm at my computer, like when your computer crashes,
0:19:41 > 0:19:46it comes on and goes, "Your computer's just crashed. Do you want to send a report?"
0:19:47 > 0:19:48No.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50I'm not a grass.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:56If I was going to grass up my computer I wouldn't via my computer. He'll know.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I'll be grassing him up, he'll start grassing me up,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03he's got far more on me than I have on him, I can tell you.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06It's nice to be in Hammersmith.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I've moved to London, area called Finsbury Park.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- Do we know it? - AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Those people clearly haven't been to it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:17It's not a nice area. When I moved in,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20one of the ways the guy got us to take the house, he said,
0:20:20 > 0:20:21"Well, great location.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25"To give you an idea, you live just across the road from Argos Extra."
0:20:26 > 0:20:30If you don't know it, it's a smaller version of Argos.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33They've used the rare definition of "extra" to mean "far, far less."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:35 > 0:20:38They've got the normal catalogues, which are full of things
0:20:38 > 0:20:40they've never had in stock.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Dialling into the stock check for 20 minutes, nothing is coming up,
0:20:44 > 0:20:45the guy said, "Are you all right?"
0:20:45 > 0:20:47and I said, "You haven't got anything."
0:20:47 > 0:20:52He said, "Well, what you've got to remember is that we have a greatly-reduced range.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54"To give you an idea, that warehouse out the back is actually
0:20:54 > 0:20:58"no bigger than this room we are having the discussion in now."
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So here's an idea - go out the back, get that stuff,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04bring it through here, we'll call the whole thing a shop.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Currently, what I am doing is dialling in numbers
0:21:09 > 0:21:12in an attempt to guess what is the other side of a wall!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:17This isn't shopping, this is Battleships!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:23We've been in there 20 minutes,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I don't even remember what I came in for.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'm just dialling in random numbers.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31The only thing I have found that you have in stock
0:21:31 > 0:21:33is a Playboy-themed hot water bottle.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37He said, "Yeah, that is one of our sexier items."
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I said, "When did the hot water bottle become a sexy item?"
0:21:41 > 0:21:43From my experience, it is used for two things -
0:21:43 > 0:21:45cold feet and period pains.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Call me a weirdo, I have never been turned on by either of them.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55If there is a relationship between a hot water bottle and sex,
0:21:55 > 0:22:00it is that when you see your partner is filling up a hot water bottle,
0:22:00 > 0:22:01you're not having sex.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He said, "Well, no, it is sexy, isn't it,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"because it is shaped like a rabbit."
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I said, "Is that sexy?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14"Obviously, we had different emotional reactions to Watership Down!"
0:22:14 > 0:22:17LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I do not understand this Playboy idea that the way to make a woman sexier
0:22:20 > 0:22:23is to give her the ears and tail of a rabbit.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26It is always the ears and tail, I don't know if there are other prototypes
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Hugh Hefner tried that did not work out,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31that he brought out for his mates and said, "Do you fancy her?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33"She's got buck teeth.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- "And massive feet." - LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:39"No? What about this one?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42"She has fur and I have put her in a hutch.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:48"No? Third time lucky, she has myxomatosis.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"She shits Maltesers."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I'm in my 20s. It's difficult in your 20s to know
0:22:58 > 0:22:59whether you're a proper adult or still young.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I've got friends that won't accept they're adults. I've got a friend -
0:23:02 > 0:23:06for my last birthday, she got me a pair of mittens.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08No adults should be dealing in mittens.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11If you're offered the option of gloves or mittens, you choose gloves.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14People that wear mittens are going, "Well, normally I enjoy my fingers.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18"But during the cold weather, I prefer the hands of a Lego man."
0:23:22 > 0:23:25If you're offered gloves or mittens, you choose gloves.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27People that wear mittens, that's like being offered trousers,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30but instead going to work in a sleeping bag.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35For her last birthday, she took us tenpin bowling.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38That is not fun as an adult, cos when you go bowling as kids,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40it's fun, but when you go bowling as an adult,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42what it is, it's a group of adults pretending they're having fun.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46And trying to cover up how much they want to win that game of bowling.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49It's why the most difficult bit of bowling as an adult isn't getting a strike,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52it's when you've just got a strike and you've got to get back
0:23:52 > 0:23:56to your seat without turning into the biggest bellend in the world.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It's difficult in your 20s.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'm single, I came out of a relationship a while ago.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07The worst bit's just after, when no-one knows what to say to you.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Some people say, "Well, think of the good times.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
0:24:13 > 0:24:14That's not true, is it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Because that's not how losing things works.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20When you lose your phone, your first reaction isn't,
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"Well, at least I had a phone, I mean..."
0:24:22 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:29It is better to have had a phone and lost a phone, isn't it?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Than never to have phoned at all.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33You're thinking, "Well, those phone calls,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"they are memories I will always cherish."
0:24:36 > 0:24:39It's difficult being single, cos people interfere,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41people ask you, "Are you seeing anyone?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45"Have you slept with anyone?" Not just your friends, the government!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47The census this year, the last question on the census was
0:24:47 > 0:24:51"Please fill in the details of anyone that doesn't live with you
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"but stayed over on the night of March 27th."
0:24:55 > 0:24:59That's gonna be very awkward if you've just had a one-night stand!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"Morning, a few questions.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05"What is your occupation?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"Why do I want to know? I'm telling the government, actually, yeah."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10It's not the kind of thing you can just drop in, just go,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"Morning, do you take sugar in your tea?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16"Also, would you describe yourself as Caucasian?"
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Going out alone, that is difficult as well.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I went to the cinema on my own for the first time recently.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I didn't realise that is the act of an oddball.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26I've eaten alone before, do not do that.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I went to Pizza Express and said, "Can I have a table for one, please?"
0:25:30 > 0:25:31And she said, "No."
0:25:31 > 0:25:33LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Instead, she gave me a table for two
0:25:35 > 0:25:39and she slowly removed the cutlery of the non-existent second person.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I said, "What are you doing? I am not going to get confused!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I'm not going to look down halfway through and say,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"Where the hell has my girlfriend gone?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51"I didn't think I had one, but the knife and fork are saying otherwise."
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I went to the cinema alone, and I went to see a film
0:25:53 > 0:25:56and it wasn't on but the problem is, by the time you get to the cinema,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59you feel it'd be rude to leave without seeing something,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02so I managed to convince myself, for the next 90 minutes,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06I wanted to watch Alvin And The Chipmunks 2.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- The Squeakquel. - LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:14I went up to the desk and said, "I'll have one, please, for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"I haven't seen the first one, I do imagine I'll pick it up."
0:26:17 > 0:26:19She said, "One?" And I said, "Yeah, one."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22She said, "You do know it's Orange Wednesday, don't you?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"It's two for one."
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I said, "That's not much help for me. I am one.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"What do you expect me to do with the second ticket?"
0:26:29 > 0:26:31She said, "You could offer it to someone else."
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I said, "Look, people already think I'm weird.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36"If I was to stalk the foyer brandishing a ticket
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"show me who would like to come and sit next to me?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"If anything, I think that is going to make matters worse,
0:26:46 > 0:26:47"thank you very much!"
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I left, I thought, "I'll go and get food,"
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I went to Wagamama, and they've got the long benches,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I thought it'd be fine, I'd sit on the end of a long bench on my own.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I sat down and a group of three came in.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00She decided to sit them two opposite me,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03one next to me to create a square.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08I said, "What are you doing? This is the most awkward thing that has ever happened!
0:27:08 > 0:27:09"This isn't Tetris."
0:27:09 > 0:27:11LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:22But it's not just being an adult that scares me like that.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I struggled when I was a child, I was terrified all the time.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Weird things, like things my dad warned me about,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30like running with scissors.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I hadn't even considered that until he suggested it!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I don't know about you, I've never been
0:27:36 > 0:27:39so excited about cutting something that I've even broken into a jog.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42"Bloody hell, I can't wait to open this fete!
0:27:42 > 0:27:47"Oh, my god, I've stabbed myself in the stomach. Why is there no warning on these things?"
0:27:47 > 0:27:49But that's the thing about being a kid, you're convinced into
0:27:49 > 0:27:52doing things that you don't want to do, even though you just do them.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Weird things, like bobbing for apples.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55I don't know why you'd do that.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I spent my childhood trying to AVOID eating an apple!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01You put that apple in water, you put my hands behind my back,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I will drown myself to eat that apple.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05It's me or the apple. I couldn't give a shit,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08waterboarding for apples, that is fine with me!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11That's the thing, isn't it? If you make things into a competition,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14people will want the prize, no matter what it is.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Like those 2p pushing machines you get on piers.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I spend my life trying to get rid of 2p's.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22You put them on a moving shelf, I'm going,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26"I am having all those 2p's if it kills me.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"Not just those 2p's, I'm getting this pound coin,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31"I'm changing that into more 2p's.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34To get these 2p's."
0:28:34 > 0:28:36I'll go for the one that's not just 2p's,
0:28:36 > 0:28:40it's got extra items balanced on top I want less than the 2p's.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45"That's not just 2p's, is it? That's a Shabba Ranks key fob!
0:28:45 > 0:28:48"I remember Shabba Ranks, I've got keys - I'm having it!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51"That's not just 2p's, that's a Flump."
0:28:51 > 0:28:53If I'm gonna eat a Flump, I don't want it served
0:28:53 > 0:28:55on a bed of loose change.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Also, a Flump, retail price, 1p!
0:28:59 > 0:29:02I'm paying double for food poisoning!
0:29:02 > 0:29:05The moment I see these things, I am acting like I'm an expert,
0:29:05 > 0:29:08going like, "That one's not gonna fall, I can see that.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11"That one's a maybe, that one's gonna pay out big.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14"That is the 10p's, I'm going nowhere near that, I'm not made of money."
0:29:14 > 0:29:18No-one's ever been on the 10p pushing machine! It's not Monte Carlo!
0:29:18 > 0:29:20There's not a guy on the screens going,
0:29:20 > 0:29:26"That guy's got a system, get him out! He's two Tamagotchis up, he'll ruin us!"
0:29:26 > 0:29:31You go, "I'm going to win big." Who's ever won big on the 2p pushing machine?
0:29:31 > 0:29:35"Darling, good news, dinner's on me. I won big down at the pier.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38"I have 400 kilos of loose change.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43"Yes, book late. It will take me some time to walk there."
0:29:43 > 0:29:46The other one I want to go on is the plastic horse-racing,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49where you bet on the horses - I'll always go on that,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52but, I don't know why, I always watch a few races, to check the form.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56What am I expecting to see in that situation, go, "Oh, my God,
0:29:56 > 0:29:58"that blue one's lame, thank God I checked"?
0:29:58 > 0:30:04There's a dance simulator with the arrows coming up on the screen and the arrows on the floor.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06I stood for ages like this, going,
0:30:06 > 0:30:07"Well, I tell you what,
0:30:07 > 0:30:10"I am a better dancer than I thought!"
0:30:10 > 0:30:14You do that in a nightclub, you are not a better dancer than you think.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Do you like these moves, girls?
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Wait for the big one.
0:30:17 > 0:30:18Here it comes.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21There it is, thank you very much.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26You have been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much, Apollo. Cheers.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29My name is Josh Widdicombe, good night!
0:30:29 > 0:30:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Widdicombe!
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- CHEERING - Whoo!
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Er, ladies and gentlemen,
0:30:43 > 0:30:47your next act this evening is an absolutely fantastic stand-up.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50I have worked with her a lot. You are absolutely going to love her.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53Will you please give a warm welcome to the stage
0:30:53 > 0:30:56to the brilliant Shappi Khorsandi?!
0:30:56 > 0:30:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Hello, Apollo!
0:31:17 > 0:31:19CHEERING
0:31:19 > 0:31:22You all look beautiful. This is a terribly fancy show, you know.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26It's very fancy. They said, "Shappi, buy a new dress."
0:31:26 > 0:31:28This is my new dress. I bought it specially for tonight.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- Do you like it? - WHISTLING - Oh, a wolf whistle!
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Never used to get that when I was a bloke.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34LAUGHTER
0:31:38 > 0:31:41So I bought this dress specially but I've got to be careful not to spill anything on it,
0:31:41 > 0:31:44cos I'm giving back to the shop in the morning.
0:31:44 > 0:31:45We all do it. I did this thing -
0:31:45 > 0:31:48I went to give this dress back to the shop
0:31:48 > 0:31:53and the shop assistants always go, "Was there anything wrong with it?"
0:31:53 > 0:31:54And I said, "Yes, it doesn't work."
0:31:54 > 0:31:57She said, "What do you mean, it doesn't work?"
0:31:57 > 0:32:00I said, "Well, I wore it, went out to a party, got very drunk,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03"flirted with lots of guys and STILL went home alone.
0:32:03 > 0:32:04"This dress is broken."
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Another time I went in and I said,
0:32:06 > 0:32:08"I can't ear this any more." She said, "Why not?"
0:32:08 > 0:32:11I said, "Well, I've lost weight, it's too big for me now."
0:32:11 > 0:32:13And she looked at the receipt and said,
0:32:13 > 0:32:17"You bought it a week ago." And I went, "Yes, and now I've had the baby!"
0:32:17 > 0:32:18Seven pounds in one morning.
0:32:18 > 0:32:23Some people are quite shy about giving stuff back to the shop, but I'm...
0:32:23 > 0:32:25You've got to be very bolshie
0:32:25 > 0:32:27and not be scared to make a scene.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Demand to see the man at the top.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33I was in John Lewis and I would not leave until John Lewis himself...
0:32:33 > 0:32:34LAUGHTER
0:32:34 > 0:32:36..came out to rectify the problem.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39You can do it anywhere. You got a problem with KFC. "Excuse me,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41"these fries, I didn't eat them.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45"You tell that Colonel to stop licking his fingers for five minutes
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"and come here and sort me out." Obviously...
0:32:48 > 0:32:49LAUGHTER
0:32:49 > 0:32:50Colonel Saunders sort me out?
0:32:50 > 0:32:54That sounded a bit more dirty than I meant it to.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57You've got to be careful, though, not to get too mental,
0:32:57 > 0:33:00like, it doesn't work in mobile phone shops.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03You can't stand there and go, "I demand to speak with the Orange!"
0:33:03 > 0:33:05LAUGHTER
0:33:06 > 0:33:09I am one of two children. I have a big brother.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11There is a year between me and my brother
0:33:11 > 0:33:13and we're REALLY competitive.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16It took me years to beat his Pac-Man score
0:33:16 > 0:33:20and when I did, he chased me out the house, down an alleyway,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23wrestled me to the ground, gave me an almighty Chinese burn,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26completely ruined my wedding dress.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32He got to an age, where he'd play with me, he'd always play with me -
0:33:32 > 0:33:35we'd play Buckaroo and he got a real donkey, to make it harder for me.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39I won't tell you what Operation was like, I've still got the scars.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42He got to an age where he realised I was a girl
0:33:42 > 0:33:45and it wasn't cool having a little sister.
0:33:45 > 0:33:49On the way to school he'd make me walk ten paces behind him
0:33:49 > 0:33:51and we weren't even married!
0:33:54 > 0:33:56My brother is the honeymoon baby, the firstborn!
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Give me a cheer, precious firstborns!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01CHEERING
0:34:01 > 0:34:04You see, the confidence of the firstborn.
0:34:04 > 0:34:09Firstborns know that very important thing, that you were created
0:34:09 > 0:34:14because two people fell so madly in love with each other
0:34:14 > 0:34:19that they decided to create a human being out of that love.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Firstborns are made from love.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Give me a cheer, people like me, second-born children!
0:34:24 > 0:34:26CHEERING
0:34:26 > 0:34:28We were not made from love.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31We are toys for the firstborn.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35That's the sole reason we exist -
0:34:35 > 0:34:38"Oh, we thought it would be nice for him to have company.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41"Because frankly, the job was a lot harder than we anticipated,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44"and now they play together, it's lovely!
0:34:44 > 0:34:46"We go on holiday, hardly see the little twerps!"
0:34:48 > 0:34:52Give me a cheer, third born children!
0:34:52 > 0:34:53CHEERING
0:34:53 > 0:34:57Not many photos of you!
0:34:59 > 0:35:01My friend's got three children,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03she says by the time the third comes along,
0:35:03 > 0:35:07you stick it in a bucket and give it a bit of barbed wire to chew on.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Give me a cheer, fourth or fifth born children!
0:35:11 > 0:35:13CHEERING
0:35:13 > 0:35:16I'm sure you all have a very strong network of friends.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23It is not that easy to be the big brother, the big sibling,
0:35:23 > 0:35:27because there is a lot of expectations when you're the older one. I understand that.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29My brother, at the age of five, would draw a picture
0:35:29 > 0:35:32- and my dad would go... - IRANIAN ACCENT:- "What is this?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34"A house. And this is..."
0:35:34 > 0:35:37He's foreign. "And this is the family.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39"Why am I taller than the trees?
0:35:39 > 0:35:43"If the sun was that close, we would all be burnt alive.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45"You have to work much harder than this
0:35:45 > 0:35:49"if you want your work to make it to the fridge."
0:35:49 > 0:35:50LAUGHTER
0:35:52 > 0:35:55You see, I think it is important to screw kids up.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00Not loads, just enough for them to become interesting adults.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03I have a little boy, and he's three,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05and I don't think I screw him up, but I must do,
0:36:05 > 0:36:07because I'm a mother.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11I'm a single mum and I had a boyfriend round at Christmas -
0:36:11 > 0:36:15it turns out some boyfriends really are just for Christmas!
0:36:15 > 0:36:16LAUGHTER
0:36:16 > 0:36:19I was like, "You will not meet my child until we are solid."
0:36:19 > 0:36:22And the chap would come round while my son was sleeping
0:36:22 > 0:36:25and he would be gone in the morning before my son woke up,
0:36:25 > 0:36:27but my luck being my luck, they ended up meeting
0:36:27 > 0:36:30in the hallway of my home at three o'clock in the morning,
0:36:30 > 0:36:33both needing the loo, both naked.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39And in a panic, this man said to my son, "Hello, I'm Father Christmas."
0:36:42 > 0:36:45And my little boy said, "But he was here last night!"
0:36:45 > 0:36:47LAUGHTER, GROANS
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Sometimes you get so proud of your kids
0:36:54 > 0:36:57because they display kindness and sensitivity
0:36:57 > 0:37:01that, frankly, they didn't learn from you.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04I went into a shop with my little boy
0:37:04 > 0:37:08and the shopkeeper was two inches taller than my three-year-old.
0:37:09 > 0:37:14My little boy was beside himself to say something,
0:37:14 > 0:37:18absolutely beside himself, but he knew instinctively not to.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20He just looked at the guy, looked at me, looked at the guy,
0:37:20 > 0:37:25and the bloke was brilliant, he was obviously used to children reacting to him in this way,
0:37:25 > 0:37:29so he was chatting away to my boy and my boy was like, "A grown-up, my size?
0:37:29 > 0:37:31"I am going to tell him EVERYTHING!"
0:37:31 > 0:37:35And he did, he was like, "My name is Charlie, I live with my mummy,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38"I see my daddy at the weekend, we have a cat called Lola
0:37:38 > 0:37:41"and a dog called Benjamin Petanyahu."
0:37:41 > 0:37:42LAUGHTER
0:37:44 > 0:37:46I thought of that name.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49And when we left the shop, my little boy walked as fast
0:37:49 > 0:37:54as his little legs could carry him to be out of earshot.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56And he went, "Mummy, Mummy, come over here, Mummy!"
0:37:56 > 0:37:58And I said, "Oh, what is it, darling?"
0:37:58 > 0:38:04And my little boy said, "Mummy, that man was LITTLE!"
0:38:05 > 0:38:08And I was like, "Yes, darling, yes, he was little."
0:38:08 > 0:38:12"Why was he so LITTLE?!"
0:38:12 > 0:38:17And I thought, "What a glorious moment I am about to share with my son,
0:38:17 > 0:38:22"because he is now at an age where he notices difference
0:38:22 > 0:38:26"and I can explain to him now that people might look different
0:38:26 > 0:38:30"and they might sound different, but we all matter equally
0:38:30 > 0:38:33"and inside, we are all the same."
0:38:33 > 0:38:37What a beautiful chat I didn't have.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39I didn't say that to him.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41In that moment, I said,
0:38:41 > 0:38:45"Because he didn't eat his broccoli."
0:38:45 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:49 > 0:38:51No-one is proud here.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55So I'm a single mum, right,
0:38:55 > 0:38:59and whatever people say, it is different than being a single dad.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Cos women see single dads and go,
0:39:01 > 0:39:05"Oh, he's so good with his kids, isn't he coping wonderfully?
0:39:05 > 0:39:09"Oh, he's so good with his children. I must have sex with him now."
0:39:11 > 0:39:15Whereas men see single mums and they go, "Run a mile! Baggage!"
0:39:17 > 0:39:21I went on a date with a guy that called my little boy "baggage".
0:39:21 > 0:39:23He's three!
0:39:23 > 0:39:25He's not baggage.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26He's hand luggage.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31He just fits in the overhead lockers, it's kind of perfect.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Recently, my brother said,
0:39:34 > 0:39:38"You have been separated for ages now, you need to find yourself a new fella,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40"why don't you go on the internet?"
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Cos he found his girlfriend on the internet,
0:39:42 > 0:39:44I think it was eBay.
0:39:44 > 0:39:45LAUGHTER
0:39:45 > 0:39:49So I joined an internet website and to my surprise,
0:39:49 > 0:39:51on the online form that you had to fill in,
0:39:51 > 0:39:55one of the things you had to tick to see who you wanted
0:39:55 > 0:39:57was racial preference and it said,
0:39:57 > 0:40:00"White Caucasian," three boxes, "Not Important,
0:40:00 > 0:40:02"Decidedly Important, Absolutely Crucial."
0:40:02 > 0:40:05I thought, that's a little bit weird,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07because your photo is up there in the first place,
0:40:07 > 0:40:10so you can just be racist in private, why hurt anyone's feelings?
0:40:10 > 0:40:13So I want to show you this.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16I wrote an e-mail to the administrator of this website.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I wrote an e-mail, basically, in a nutshell, going,
0:40:21 > 0:40:23"What are you on, mate?" And he wrote back going,
0:40:23 > 0:40:26"The choices we provide on our matching algorithms..."
0:40:26 > 0:40:28I had to look that word up.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Nothing to do with sex.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32LAUGHTER
0:40:32 > 0:40:36"..are for our users to find the perfect match.
0:40:36 > 0:40:40"They are in no way indicative of someone being racist at all."
0:40:40 > 0:40:43White Caucasian, Absolutely Crucial.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47So I wrote back going, "Shut up," bit more coherently than that.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50And then he wrote back and said,
0:40:50 > 0:40:53"Some people are more stringent than others
0:40:53 > 0:40:56"when it comes to finding a partner."
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Doesn't that sound like a real dig at me?
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Like, "Oh, you'd shag any old colour."
0:41:01 > 0:41:03LAUGHTER
0:41:04 > 0:41:08"We merely help them find the right person by enabling them
0:41:08 > 0:41:13"to measure height, weight, occupation, level of income and ethnicity."
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Thing is, height, weight, occupation, level of income,
0:41:16 > 0:41:18they are all things that can be measured.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20How do you measure ethnicity?
0:41:20 > 0:41:23I had no idea how to measure my own when I was filling out the form.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26I had to look on a Dulux colour chart.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Turns out, I am Natural Calico.
0:41:29 > 0:41:30LAUGHTER
0:41:30 > 0:41:34This correspondence went on for quite a while.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Tell me if you think I went too far -
0:41:37 > 0:41:39eventually, I sent him a copy
0:41:39 > 0:41:41of the Nuremberg Race Laws.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43LAUGHTER
0:41:43 > 0:41:46I'm not saying that this website is a Nazi organisation,
0:41:46 > 0:41:50I just think we should nip things in the bud at source.
0:41:50 > 0:41:51LAUGHTER
0:41:51 > 0:41:54He wrote back to me and said, "Dear Shappi,
0:41:54 > 0:41:57"I have enjoyed our correspondence.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01"I have now noticed your name is Shappi Khorsandi.
0:42:01 > 0:42:08"Might you be the same I saw on the Michael McIntyre Comedy Roadshow?"
0:42:08 > 0:42:09LAUGHTER
0:42:09 > 0:42:12"If so, I am single..."
0:42:12 > 0:42:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:16 > 0:42:17CHEERING
0:42:20 > 0:42:23"..and I wondered if you'd like to go for a coffee."
0:42:23 > 0:42:25LAUGHTER
0:42:25 > 0:42:29Listen to this. "Won't this be a funny story to tell our kids?"
0:42:29 > 0:42:32LAUGHTER
0:42:32 > 0:42:33"Smiley face."
0:42:33 > 0:42:35LAUGHTER
0:42:35 > 0:42:38I wrote back. I said, "Thank you so much for your e-mail,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40"I am very flattered.
0:42:40 > 0:42:45"However, I have noticed your name is James Choudhury.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48"Little bit too brown for me.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51"Natural Calico only."
0:42:51 > 0:42:57You've been a marvellous crowd! You've been ace, thank you so much!
0:42:57 > 0:42:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:01 > 0:43:04- Thanks for that, well done. - Mwah!
0:43:04 > 0:43:06Shappi Khorsandi!
0:43:06 > 0:43:07CHEERING
0:43:09 > 0:43:11Ladies and gentlemen, you have been absolutely wonderful.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14A big round of applause for Josh Widdicombe...
0:43:14 > 0:43:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:15 > 0:43:18- ..Shappi Khorsandi! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:18 > 0:43:20I've been Jack Whitehall, good night!
0:43:20 > 0:43:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:44 > 0:43:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd