0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Oh, yeah! #
0:00:17 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight -
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Micky Flanagan!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Ah! Good evening, 'ammersmith! What's 'appening?
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Welcome to Live At The Apollo! CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Ah...
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Thank you for coming out, people.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Coming out to central London. Always a pain.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02You get on the Tube.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Looking at people with flip-flops on. LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:11I'm a Londoner myself. I get out of town quite a lot.
0:01:11 > 0:01:18People are happy everywhere else. Don't know if you've noticed. "How you doing?" they say.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23"All right?" I say, "Just put the pasty in the bag, love." LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:27We're all busy people.
0:01:27 > 0:01:33So we've got Arg here. How you doin', Arg? What's happening, man?
0:01:33 > 0:01:39I'll tell you what I did the other day as a bit of respect to the vajazzle.
0:01:39 > 0:01:44I put a bit of Pritt Stick all over my bollocks...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46dipped them in a bowl of glitter.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Ah!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53My wife was like, "Whoo!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56"Get that out, man. Get that out."
0:01:57 > 0:01:58So...
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I used to chase women quite a lot. Things were different back then.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06You had to go out on the hunt as a man in the '70s.
0:02:06 > 0:02:12You had to put a nice splash of Paco Rabanne on. You'd stand with your mates. There was no Facebook.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16None of this nonsense. You went in cold!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20You went in cold.
0:02:20 > 0:02:26With your mates, Friday night, you've had a couple of pints of lager, shirt ironed, jeans pressed.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34You say to your mates, "I'm going to go and get them birds over. When I bring 'em back, don't mess it up."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37You walk over to them.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Evening, ladies.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47I know it must have hurt when you fell from heaven. GROANS
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Maybe my friends and I could ease the pain by buying you a few drinks.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57No? Fair enough. LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:05Come on, we're going. We've only come in here on lesbian night, haven't we?
0:03:10 > 0:03:14It's very nice that women don't have to worry about this nonsense now.
0:03:14 > 0:03:20If they fancy you in a nightclub, you're chatting to her, she says, "Shut up. Shut up!
0:03:20 > 0:03:25"I'm going to sleep with you, brother. Calm down."
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Takes you home and uses you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32And you wake up in the morning a bit dishevelled.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37The cat's looking at you. The judgmental cat on the pine dresser.
0:03:42 > 0:03:49But the worst thing that's happened, in all the commotion you've forgotten her name.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55Now I'm old-fashioned. I think if you've trumped on someone's fanny, you should remember their name.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It's a bit of a rule of mine.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02So...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Go downstairs, go through the post.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Thinking!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I'm a thinker!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Crafty, crafty Cockney!
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I'll just have a look here...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Oh, I can't call her The Occupier.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27That would be a bit much.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35But I'm not so old-fashioned. If you slept with someone very quickly,
0:04:35 > 0:04:40there may be something beyond lust. So you go on a date on a Wednesday after work.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Don't want to mess your weekend up. LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:49You go Express - Pizza Express. It's too soon for the Hut.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER Hut comes later.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58It's got to be Express, early days. Marblene table, flower.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER It's all going on.
0:05:01 > 0:05:08Now she's thinking, "This geezer's all right. Bit of a stunner, not bad in the bedroom."
0:05:08 > 0:05:14Then you start proving you've got half a brain. She thinks, "He's a potential boyfriend!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Oooh! Potential boyfriend."
0:05:19 > 0:05:24Suddenly, you're getting this speech halfway through the Four Seasons.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30"Listen, can I assure you, it's not my usual practice
0:05:30 > 0:05:36"to sleep with men as quickly as I happen to have slept with you?"
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And I'm like, "Relax, Home Owner.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44"Relax.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56"We've got off to a bit of a shaky start. Let's have a bruschetta!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:00So...
0:06:00 > 0:06:05I'm settled down now. Met a very nice girl 10 years ago.
0:06:06 > 0:06:12And, um...we were making love about...five years ago...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14We've done it since.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17She said, "I want a baby!"
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I said, "Well, come off the pill, I'll start leaving it in."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23And so, um...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30A bit boring, but necessary.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33So...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I started leaving it in.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38The child arrived.
0:06:38 > 0:06:45And to do the right thing, we went and bought an overpriced house to store him in for 16 years,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47to give him half a chance.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53And we know it's a nice area. And you know why? Because people tend to say hello.
0:06:53 > 0:07:00They're trying to create a bit of a village-y feel. Like a village. "Hello!" they say.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"Hello!" They come out the bushes. "Hello!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I'm not big on the hello.
0:07:12 > 0:07:18I've looked into the whole issue. I'll tell you. Your neighbours either side, if you bump into them,
0:07:18 > 0:07:25you have to say hello. A few doors either side of these people, these are optional. Optional.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30They're neighbourly. Neighbourly. "Yes, hello!"
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Beyond that, bollocks to them. LAUGHTER
0:07:34 > 0:07:36It goes for two or three doors.
0:07:36 > 0:07:43Then you have an odd mark in your street, wants to say hello to everyone for no apparent reason.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47We've got one. He's an old boy. He's got a rather sporty car.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50And he shows out. "Hello! Hello"
0:07:50 > 0:07:54I've blanked him for about three years.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58But the other day I'd had a couple of pints of Stella "Artoise".
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It's a continental lager.
0:08:01 > 0:08:07And contrary to popular belief, it made me quite benevolent. I got quite friendly.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13I cracked. I went past, I said hello and we had a chat about his motor.
0:08:13 > 0:08:19Now we're mates. Now I've got to say hello to him for the rest of my life.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And this is what it can lead to.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Went to drop the little boy off at his school. His Montessori school.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Where he learns through play.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32For £50 a day. LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Very giving people there, they are.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39And I saw him. "Morning," we said. "Morning! Morning!"
0:08:39 > 0:08:43The big "good morning". Went indoors, had to get a pint of milk.
0:08:43 > 0:08:50He's coming down the road again. The second meet's a bit awkward. You've done your big "good morning".
0:08:50 > 0:08:54So we did what you do - the big eyebrow raise.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58"Fancy bumping into you again. What a crazy world we live in."
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Went indoors.
0:09:00 > 0:09:07Ink cartridge has run out. I need another one. I'm going to the stationer's. He's coming again!
0:09:07 > 0:09:13The third meet is one of the toughest social situations known to mankind.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16But he knew the rules, as did I.
0:09:16 > 0:09:22We strapped in. As we passed each other, I said, "You're not following me, are you?"
0:09:22 > 0:09:26He said, "We have to stop meeting like this!"
0:09:26 > 0:09:32That's your standard cover for your third meet. Internationally known and respected.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36But there's no cover for four. It's never been found.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42I'm now trapped in the house for 24 hours before we're back on "hello".
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Fair enough. Don't want to go out anyway.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51My wife, though, she said, "Pick my dress up from the cleaner's." I said, "No."
0:09:51 > 0:09:57"What do you mean, no?!" I said, "You know the old boy with the sporty car? We say hello now.
0:09:57 > 0:10:03"I've seen him three times already today. As you know, there's no cover for four."
0:10:05 > 0:10:11She said, "I don't know what you're talking about. Go and get the dress, you arsehole!"
0:10:12 > 0:10:18So I'm in a dodgy situation. I'll tell you what it led me to do, people.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22For the first time in my adult life I've reached a position
0:10:22 > 0:10:26where I'm peeping out of my own curtains.
0:10:29 > 0:10:35My aim being to see the old man leave his home and I shall run to the cleaner's and get back.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40And I'm peeping. I made a discovery.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Peeping is fun. LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:52Because you're in a powerful position as a peeper. You're looking at people. They don't know.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58However, the real fun starts when you're caught peeping.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER Cos a power struggle ensues between you, the peeper,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and what we'll now call the peepee.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:14Cos the peepee seizes power. They say, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping!"
0:11:17 > 0:11:22At that point, you are duty bound to do one of two things.
0:11:22 > 0:11:28You come out of the peep and start messing around with the window, thus throwing it into some doubt.
0:11:28 > 0:11:34Your second option, and the far more common, is the good old-fashioned hide.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37APPLAUSE
0:11:40 > 0:11:44So I'm pushing on. I'm loving the peeping.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49I made a discovery. I discovered the most fun you can have.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53You're peeping. Fair enough. It's your right.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57You're caught peeping. The peepee seizes power!
0:11:57 > 0:12:02They go, "Aha! I've caught a geezer peeping."
0:12:02 > 0:12:06At that point they expect you to come out or hide.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11For maximum fun at that point,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14you maintain the peep. LAUGHTER
0:12:16 > 0:12:18APPLAUSE
0:12:20 > 0:12:23This takes it to a whole new level.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28It's not for everyone.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31So...
0:12:31 > 0:12:35We have to bring on our first guest of the evening. He's superb.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Are you ready, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING
0:12:38 > 0:12:43Please welcome to this stage, Mr Seann Walsh!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51CHEERING
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Hello, Apollo!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02It's good to be here. Nice to be in London. Well done for coming out.
0:13:02 > 0:13:09Travelling through London. Very stressful, very tense. Well done. I couldn't live here.
0:13:09 > 0:13:15I tried to move here towards the end of last year and I lasted about five minutes,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19which in most towns isn't a long amount of time.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23But my God, your faces when it says five minutes for the Tube.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:35It's like it says that your flight to Barbados has been cancelled forever.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37LAUGHTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:46It's so stressful living here. You are the best at rushing. Do you know how good you are?!
0:13:46 > 0:13:51You see a gap that big and think, "I'm getting through that gap!"
0:13:51 > 0:13:54You jump to emphasise! It's amazing!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02It's incredible!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04It's so hectic here!
0:14:04 > 0:14:10And it's exhausting, isn't it? It's very tiring. One day in London - knackered!
0:14:10 > 0:14:17You can tell that people are knackered because they can fall asleep on the Tube standing up!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Then the bloke wakes up when the Tube stops.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:35What?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39That's the wrong order, isn't it?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43You see it every time, a bloke just standing...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Yeah, that's me, thank you.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10What?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What's going on?
0:15:15 > 0:15:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:22That's the wrong order.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26That's like when your dad wakes up when you turn OFF the television.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"I was watching that." "No, you weren't!"
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I love watching television.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I hate losing the remote control.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Even if I'm not the one looking for it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Because the house just goes crazy.
0:15:41 > 0:15:47Why does no-one believe you when you say you are not sitting on the remote control?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"I am not sitting on it!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55"Leave me alone!" "Come on, just get up."
0:15:55 > 0:15:59"I'm not! I told you! I would be able to feel it! Leave me alone!"
0:15:59 > 0:16:04"Just get up." "I'm not getting up. I'm comfortable. Leave me alone!"
0:16:04 > 0:16:08"Just get up." "Please go away." "Just get up." "Oh, for God's...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"Sorry, there you go. Sorry. Sorry.
0:16:11 > 0:16:17"I'm sorry. My arse can't feel it. For some reason, your arse can't feel a remote control.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"I'm very sorry. I'm sorry."
0:16:19 > 0:16:24But a lot of people are cutting down on watching television.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28You don't lose the remote control. People watch programmes on the laptop.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33I got the laptop. This has made me so lazy.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35This is ruining my life.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I don't even turn mine off any more. Do you?
0:16:38 > 0:16:44I just close it. I can't be bothered with all that "shut down - are you sure?" Questions, questions!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Leave me alone!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Mine's been on for years!
0:16:51 > 0:16:55The poor thing's there just going, "I'm boiling!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"Please turn me off!
0:16:59 > 0:17:04"Even the oven gets a break! Come on!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:06APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:16I got the laptop because I thought, "This will be brilliant. I'll have a computer on the move.
0:17:16 > 0:17:22"I'll have a computer on the go. I'll be able to use the computer in the cafe, on the train like that.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"It'll be brilliant."
0:17:24 > 0:17:30The only time I ever use my laptop, just like anyone else, is lying down in bed.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34"That's it. I'm not moving. That's it."
0:17:34 > 0:17:37You just lie there in that disgusting position.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42You know that position in bed that every one of your friends sees you in on Skype?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Hello.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Yeah...
0:17:54 > 0:17:59When you can't see them on Skype... You won't talk to them unless you can see them.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03"Where are you? Where are you? Where are YOU? Where are you?"
0:18:03 > 0:18:08When they pop up, you're not looking at them. You're looking at a picture of yourself.
0:18:08 > 0:18:14You can't believe how much you look like a bear. "Why do I look so disgusting? Help me!"
0:18:14 > 0:18:19That's the night-time position, that one. That's the night-time.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23The daytime one is on the side, laptop on the bed like that.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Looks like you're on Babestation.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30"Call me. Call me.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34"Call me. Make sure you call me. Call me."
0:18:34 > 0:18:38You know you get uncomfortable in bed and you want to turn round?
0:18:38 > 0:18:44With the laptop, you just go like that. "That's better, watch it like that." You take that for granted.
0:18:44 > 0:18:51Remember as a kid watching a film at night, TV on the side of the room, going, "I'm really enjoying this...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"I really want to turn round!"
0:18:53 > 0:18:57You'd convince yourself that you'd listen for a bit...
0:18:58 > 0:19:02"I'll just turn round for a bit and listen."
0:19:02 > 0:19:04MIMICS SNORING
0:19:04 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE
0:19:13 > 0:19:17I can't get off the laptop. I can't get off any of these popular sites.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Facebook, yeah?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23I'm just like everyone else. I hate Facebook.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Can't get off the thing!
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I can't get off it. It's horrible. I hate it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:36The only redeeming feature that Facebook has is when you go to use it around a friend's
0:19:36 > 0:19:39and they've left theirs logged in.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha! Woo-hoo-ha-ha!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52You "frape" them.
0:19:52 > 0:19:58This is what you do. If you don't know what "fraping" is, it's approaching somebody you care about,
0:19:58 > 0:20:02someone that you love, approaching their laptop, a best friend,
0:20:02 > 0:20:08going into their status update, writing anything, and making out that they've said it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Fantastic. You could use your imagination. Write anything!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16But we all write the same thing.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"I love cock."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:27 > 0:20:33Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I've been Seann Walsh. Good night!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Ladies and gentlemen, we have the second comedian for you this evening.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Please welcome to the stage Mr Jason Byrne!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:21:11 > 0:21:16The last time I was on Live At The Apollo,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20and I'm pretty well known in Britain for a very odd thing now,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22and it's for having a cockeye.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Or a turned-in eye or a squint.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31Cos I did this material the last time I was here about having a cockeye and a squint
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and it's now made me famous in Britain.
0:21:34 > 0:21:40It's a bit shit being famous for something like that cos I haven't written any cool songs or anything.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45- Has anybody in this room got a cockeye or a squint?- Yeah!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Look, see! It's brilliant because I've brought them out.
0:21:48 > 0:21:54Normally, your eye will turn in if you get excited. It's really handy when I'm in bed with my wife
0:21:54 > 0:21:58and I'm making love to her and my eye is literally facing my nose.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It's going...
0:22:00 > 0:22:03"Is this OK, is it? Is this OK, yeah?"
0:22:03 > 0:22:07I'm so excited, I don't know my eye has turned in.
0:22:07 > 0:22:13She's just going, "Just get off me, just get off me. I can't stop laughing. Get off me.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18"Go and get your patch." I have a patch. I have to wear a patch in bed.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23It's like a pirate's patch. It's humiliating. Back in, off I go again.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Because I remember being young.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30When I was young, sex was on tap. It was brilliant.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Whenever you wanted, "Let's do it." Turn round to your girlfriend, "Let's go."
0:22:35 > 0:22:39"Really? Here?" "Yeah, who cares? Come on." "Chicka-chicka-chicka!"
0:22:39 > 0:22:43It doesn't make that noise, in case there are any young people in here.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48I don't want any young men here going, "Why does it sound like maracas?"
0:22:50 > 0:22:54That would be good fun - behind your wife with a set of maracas.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Actually, I tell you what, lads.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Feck this! Tomorrow, go and buy a pair of maracas, yeah?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Go and buy a pair of maracas, right?
0:23:07 > 0:23:13Hide them in the bed covers. Make sure the missus doesn't find them. Hide them in there, OK?
0:23:13 > 0:23:19When you're behind her... This is the telly. There's people watching. We could get in trouble.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24You know when she's like that and you're like that, that way, this way, that way?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28The way that men love, this way, that way? Women hate that way.
0:23:28 > 0:23:35You like the missionary position and men hate that way because we have to look at you and do as we're told.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38At your missus. "I'm watching you, I'm watching you.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"I've got my eye on you. That's it."
0:23:42 > 0:23:48It's much better, isn't it, lads, on our own, behind? It's great fun. "Come on, yeah!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:52You can do what you want, give yourself the thumbs-up.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"She can't see it. Yeah, go ahead, do it."
0:23:57 > 0:23:59You could do anything.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06No, the maracas. Yeah, sorry, get the maracas.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10And you're behind the missus. Sneak them out. Don't let her see them.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Sneak out the maracas and just as you're behind her, start shaking them. Just go...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17MIMICS SOUND OF MARACAS
0:24:17 > 0:24:21She's bound to go, "Oh, my God, what the hell is that?"
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Just go, "That's just me banging off your bum."
0:24:24 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Because as I say, sex was brilliant - the madness, going away on dirty weekends.
0:24:32 > 0:24:38Just get into the hotel room, you've kicked the door, you didn't even try the card, throwing your clothes off,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42sticking strawberries up each other's arses, having a laugh,
0:24:42 > 0:24:47rubbing cream on each other. "Here, stick your knob in the wax!" "Why?"
0:24:50 > 0:24:54It was madness. We weren't even thinking, you know?
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Now when you go away with the missus, oh, my God, it's just nuts.
0:24:58 > 0:25:04She's standing there going, "Right, this is going to be a crazy weekend, an absolutely crazy weekend."
0:25:04 > 0:25:07She starts folding the clothes on the chair.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11"Yeah, we're going to go ballistic-arooney here.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"Oh, it's going to be a lovely, sexy weekend.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19"Should I iron them before I get into bed?"
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Meanwhile, next door, that couple you used to be are going nuts.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29He's banging her head off the headboard.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35I mean, with my wife, the last time I banged her head off the headboard,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38all I got was...boof! "Eh, take it easy...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"Take it easy there.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47"I didn't ask you to fix the headboard with my head, did I?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51"Now shimmy down. Shimmy down the bed. Shimmy down."
0:25:53 > 0:25:56That's how sad your life gets.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You can't even bother disconnecting any more.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Like two flies flying around in the summer having sex,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07"Just shimmy down, I can't be arsed. Shimmy down, shimmy down.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10"Right, off you go, off you go.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14"Take it easy. I said, take it easy, didn't I? Take it easy!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18"Mind the lamps, the bedside lamps. You'll knock them off the bed.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21"Take it easy! The bedside lamps!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"Right, I'll hold them. You go ahead!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30"Are you enjoying yourself? I hope you're enjoying yourself."
0:26:30 > 0:26:33It's just shit!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I know what we'll do. I tell you what we'll do.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Let's bring other instruments into the bedroom.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Yeah, OK. Oh, yeah, sneak...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Sneak a... Yeah, sneak a tuba into the bedroom.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Sneak a tuba. Oh, no, sorry.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53That's a trombone. That's a trombone. Don't sneak a tuba into the bedroom!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01HUMS LOW NOTES
0:27:03 > 0:27:05APPLAUSE
0:27:10 > 0:27:13"Where are you going with that?"
0:27:13 > 0:27:18"What? I was going to put it in the bed covers and hide it."
0:27:18 > 0:27:22No, don't do that. Get a trombone. Get a trombone, right?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Get it right at her bum there, so she can't...
0:27:25 > 0:27:29She's going to see it. It's a trombone. You're going to get caught.
0:27:29 > 0:27:36You'll probably never have sex ever again, but you'll have the best laugh of your life, right?
0:27:36 > 0:27:42It'll be something to tell your grandchildren one day. "You won't believe what I did to your granny?"
0:27:42 > 0:27:48Right, get the trombone and get it right behind her on the bum and just hold it there.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Then you've got to get this tune right. Practise before you do it.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55You'll only get one bash at this. Hold it at the bum.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Just as she's getting to the... SINGS HIGH NOTES
0:27:58 > 0:28:02She's going nuts and she's loving it. SINGS HIGH NOTES
0:28:02 > 0:28:05As she's about to explode, you go...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07MIMICS TROMBONE: Buh-uhh-uhh!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million!
0:28:13 > 0:28:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Jason Byrne!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27CHEERING
0:28:28 > 0:28:34All it needs for me to do is to ask you to give a massive round of applause
0:28:34 > 0:28:38for the two acts you saw this evening - first, Mr Seann Walsh!
0:28:38 > 0:28:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Mr Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:48You have been superb. Thank you very much. Good night!
0:29:06 > 0:29:10Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk