0:00:18 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - Sean Lock!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Thank you.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:49I drove here tonight and on the way I stopped to get some petrol in a petrol station.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51A lot of petrol stations are like this these days,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54they were selling booze in the petrol station.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55That's a bit weird, isn't it?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58They don't sell ordinary booze, like Fosters, yeah?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I'd call that a driving beer, wouldn't you?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Couple of cans of that! There! Eh?!
0:01:06 > 0:01:10At this petrol station they were selling Special Brew!
0:01:10 > 0:01:14In a petrol station. You can't drive after a can of that!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17You couldn't operate a brush!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Last time I had a can of Special Brew within 10 minutes
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I was shouting at lollipop ladies.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26You safety bitches!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Special Brew, you never see it advertised, do you?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34That's cos there's no point
0:01:34 > 0:01:37cos the people who drink it can't be reached by "normal advertising."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41If you want to advertise to them,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44you've got to book space on the side of stray dogs.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I go to a lot of kids' parties.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54With my kids. Obviously, I don't just...
0:01:54 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:59I don't just turn up - "I'm on telly, I love cake. Let me in."
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I was at this kid's party the other day
0:02:03 > 0:02:05and they were all dressed as pirates.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Kids running around dressed as pirates. I thought it was weird.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13Basically, pirates are rapists, thieves and murderers
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and now they're loveable children's characters.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17I find that a bit odd.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20What if you go to a kid's party in 100 years' time,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22they'll all be dressed as terrorists.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29And instead of saying "shiver me timbers!"
0:02:29 > 0:02:33they'll go, "I spit on your decadent Western ways."
0:02:33 > 0:02:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"Oh, he's funny. He's funny, in't he? Yeah."
0:02:41 > 0:02:45"Now, put your rucksack on and enjoy the party, off you go!"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I tell you, the worst thing about kids' parties is
0:02:51 > 0:02:55when your kids are going, they want to make a card.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Oh, Christ, I hate that! "Can we make a card?" "Oh, no! Bollocks!"
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Cos you've got to get the glitter out, haven't you?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Oh, I hate that shit!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I can't stand, it gets everywhere, doesn't it, glitter?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's all on your clothes, all over you
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and it leaves a trail wherever you go.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14No wonder Gary got caught!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:19APPLAUSE
0:03:23 > 0:03:26We've got some well-known faces in the crowd tonight.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Sarah Beeny's here. Hello, Sarah. Thank you for coming along.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I heard you run an online dating website, don't you?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Is that like the old-fashioned dating websites?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I did one of those years ago. You know when you fill out a form
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and they match you up with somebody who filled out the form same as you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44I did one of those.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48And it sort of worked but there were certain things that I like doing
0:03:48 > 0:03:50which weren't on the form.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52You have presumptions, don't you?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I thought because she ticked "country walks "and adventurous personality",
0:03:56 > 0:03:58she would enjoy badger baiting.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And there's some people from Made In Chelsea here.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06SCATTERED CHEERS
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Hello. Welcome. You're Ollie Lock, aren't you?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11People often ask me if we're related, and I say,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13"Yeah, he's my sister."
0:04:13 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:24And we've got Oliver Phelps in from the Harry Potter films.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Where's Oliver?
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Hello, Oliver, thanks for coming. So, Emma and Daniel couldn't make it tonight?
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Interesting fact about Emma Watson, I don't know if you know this,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41but did you know that The Sun newspaper
0:04:41 > 0:04:44had a countdown to Emma Watson's 16th birthday?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46They did, I'm not making that up.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48They had a countdown to her 16th birthday.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51And I was thinking, imagine if I did that?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57If I followed 15-year-old girls round the streets.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Five days to go-o-o!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12We're all very excited. Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Look, I made an Advent calendar to count it down.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I think I'd end up on the front page of The Sun, wouldn't I?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26One of the things I've become interested in recently is female role models.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29That's something that's appeared recently on my radar of concerns
0:05:29 > 0:05:31cos I've got two daughters.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Before I had daughters, I wasn't bothered about it, didn't really interest me at all.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37To be honest with you, I didn't give a shit.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39If you'd said, "How do you feel about
0:05:39 > 0:05:43"how women are represented in the media and the subsequent effect on young women?"
0:05:43 > 0:05:44I'd have just gone...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:05:46 > 0:05:49HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES TO A TUNE
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Gargle-argle-argle. Does that answer your question?
0:05:53 > 0:05:58I cared more about the new font on my local takeaway menu.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02I liked the old one.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05But I've changed because it is something that concerns me,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07it will affect me.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Somebody who's always seen as a negative role model for women
0:06:10 > 0:06:12is someone like Jordan.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15The only two issues I have with her, one is -
0:06:15 > 0:06:18the name - changing her name from Jordan to Katie Price.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I thought that was a bit weird.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21That's a bit like Noddy announcing
0:06:21 > 0:06:24his real name is Derek Jarvis, isn't it?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"Yes, I still drive the little car, wear the hat
0:06:27 > 0:06:31"but I'm a bit more mature now, I've moved on."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Another issue with Katie Price is the tan.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38A tan can look nice but she's gone way too far, hasn't she?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41She's now the colour of a hangover piss, isn't she?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:46APPLAUSE
0:06:49 > 0:06:54You know, some mornings you look down and go, "What was I drinking?!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:55"Lizards?!"
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I do, I take issue with that because, you know,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I had skin cancer a long time ago.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I didn't catch it through sunbeds, no,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I used to work on building sites for many years.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08You work with your shirt off and it's quite hard to persuade
0:07:08 > 0:07:11a big Irish foreman to rub a bit of Ambre Solaire in your back.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"Oi, Mick! Mi-ick!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"You wouldn't be a poppet, would you?"
0:07:22 > 0:07:26But someone who I think is actually a very positive role model
0:07:26 > 0:07:28for young women is Madonna.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I think she's an unsung hero. She's so uncompromising.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34She doesn't any crap, she does things exactly how she wants to do.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36And also, she's quite a pioneer, Madonna.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39She was the first person to use these headset mics.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43It was either her or McDonald's, I'm not sure who got there first.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44She was the first one.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48She needed them for her special dancing cos she invented that dance.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52All the pop stars do it now, you know this dance, that dance.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Madonna invented that.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59When they move around the stage like that and they go.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05I don't know what that means. Like, "Wait till I get you home."
0:08:06 > 0:08:08And she'd be moving up and down the stage
0:08:08 > 0:08:11and she'd have like a push-up bra on and a leotard
0:08:11 > 0:08:13and it was a very good way for her to show off
0:08:13 > 0:08:16all her sexual wares and get about.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20There's all me bits!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- AUSSIE ACCENT:- "Yeah, mate, this is my top sexy area.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Sorry, I can't do accents.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30My American comes out Australian, sorry about that.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"Yeah, this is my top sexy area here. Yeah.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39"Yeah, mate, you can have a whole heap of fun with that, yeah.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42"We call it Happy Valley!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46"Now, moving on down here, this is a totally different zone!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"This is Party Town!
0:08:48 > 0:08:53"You get anywhere near that, mate, you're a lucky rooster!
0:08:53 > 0:08:59"Movin' on round the back here, we call this Jackpot City!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"You get near that, mate, it's your birthday!"
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I've worked out, right, that Madonna's dancing,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07basically all these years Madonna's dancing is
0:09:07 > 0:09:11milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16That's what she's been doing all these years.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19She has a choreographer at the side of the stage shouting them out.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23"Milk, milk! Lemonade! Lemonade! Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate! Milk! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30"Lemonade! Chocolate! Lemonade! Chocolate! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk!
0:09:30 > 0:09:34"Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade!"
0:09:38 > 0:09:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:51I'm fascinated by her, cos she's such an overtly sexual woman.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53She's very...rrr!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55But not in a seductive, enticing way, is it?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58It's very confrontational, bit like, "Grr! Go on! Grr!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01"Think you want a go on that? Go on! Grr!"
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Imagine, if you had the opportunity to have sex with Madonna, it'd be
0:10:09 > 0:10:13a bit like taking a penalty against Peter Shilton in his heyday.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- "Come on, do you think you can get one in?" - LAUGHTER
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"No chance!"
0:10:19 > 0:10:21She's terrifying, isn't she?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24And have you seen her arms?! Christ's sakes!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- She's got the arms of a scaffolder, that woman! - LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Imagine THOSE coming near your genitals. Jesus Christ!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34It'd just be like that. Boom! "Oh, bloody hell, Madonna!
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"Ooh! Oh, crikey! Ooh!
0:10:38 > 0:10:40"Woo, that was quick!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42"Ooh!
0:10:42 > 0:10:43"Ah!"
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"Yeah, I'll do you again if you want! Ha-ha!"
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Boom! "Oh!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:54"Once I did Guy Ritchie five times in a MINUTE!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57"He's a broken man now!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"He wets the bed."
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"Oh, God!"
0:11:02 > 0:11:06It'd be like those things that take tyres off in Formula One, wouldn't it?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Boom-boom, boom-boom!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:16She fascinates me.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21I mean, if I had the opportunity to have sex with Madonna -
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I don't know how that's going to come about.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Scratch card - "Ooh!
0:11:27 > 0:11:28"I've won! Ha-ha!"
0:11:28 > 0:11:31At first, you'd be quite excited.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Then you'd be on the plane over to America with a whisky,
0:11:34 > 0:11:35going, "Bloody hell!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"I've got to have sex with Madonna!"
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And you get to a hotel suite in LA, knock on the door.
0:11:41 > 0:11:47Inside, it's just pitch black darkness.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51And all you can hear is Madonna, scampering about.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"ALL RIGHT, SEAN?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"Have you come to get your prize, Sean?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"I'm ready for ya!"
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Switch the light on, there's just bones everywhere.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19So are you ready for the first act of the evening?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Please put your hands together,
0:12:24 > 0:12:25go crazy for a wonderful comedian,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Mr Ed Byrne!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Thank you very much.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for that lovely welcome.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55I was hearing that we're actually nicer to animals than we are to each other sometimes.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I have proof of this. We have a cat in our house.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Now, I'm not a cat person,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02cos I was never bitten by a radioactive cat.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05But we have a cat. LAUGHTER
0:13:05 > 0:13:09And the reason we have a cat is proof that we're nicer to animals.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Cos the reason we have a cat is
0:13:11 > 0:13:16we found a cat by our bins. He looked hungry, so now he lives with us.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:20You wouldn't do that for a human being, would you?
0:13:20 > 0:13:26"All right mate, what're you doing by the bins? You all right there? What are you doing? Just hungry, are you?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"D'you want to live in the house?" LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"Come on in, not a problem. On you go.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"It's much better than being by the bins. No, don't get a job,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"just live here, we'll buy your food,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"and in exchange, could you just shit everywhere?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"Could you do that?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42"That seems like a good deal, doesn't it?
0:13:42 > 0:13:47"This is the living room. If you could slowly but surely destroy the furniture?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51"Just a little bit every day, just a little bit. We'd appreciate that.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54"This is where me and the wife watch TV. While we're doing that,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58"could you just show us your arse? Could you do that?
0:13:58 > 0:14:03"In exchange for room and board, could you just back up towards us
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"with your pink balloon knot on display?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"We'd appreciate that.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12"Is that everything? Sorry, one more thing. I know we're asking a lot.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16"But we are letting you live here rent-free and we are buying your food
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"for you. Could you just, when I'm on me own in the house,
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"could you jump on the back of my chair and frighten the shit out of me? Just now and again!
0:14:23 > 0:14:27"Not so often that it becomes commonplace.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31"Not often enough that I get used to it. Just rare enough that every time
0:14:31 > 0:14:35"it happens, I actually think I'm going to die. Could you do that?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"Welcome aboard!
0:14:37 > 0:14:42"Honey, the man we found by our bins wants to sleep in our bed with us tonight. Is that OK?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"Apparently that's fine, it's not a problem.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Apparently it's not even weird.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"No, don't have a bath, just lick yourself. That'll do.
0:14:49 > 0:14:56"Just lick your rancid hole right in front of us, you filthy animal."
0:14:56 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:14:59 > 0:15:01The way it was sold to me that the cat would live with us
0:15:01 > 0:15:04was he'd keep away the mice - weird bargaining chip for my wife,
0:15:04 > 0:15:06cos I don't give a shit about mice.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I think mice are a better pet than the average cat.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Because they're just as cute as a cat, but you don't have to buy or open
0:15:12 > 0:15:15the food for them - they just eat whatever's lying around.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19You go on holiday, you don't need someone to feed your mice.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Mice are a handy pet. Not as handy as a tapeworm -
0:15:21 > 0:15:25"I'll have whatever you're having." A tapeworm is a very handy pet.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28But I know that my wife doesn't like mice.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So what she doesn't like, I don't like.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33And if she's happy, I'm happy.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35So the cat will keep away the mice, job's a good'un.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39But he doesn't! He doesn't keep away mice. He brings mice in!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Mice that had no intention of coming anywhere near the house.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Mice that live in a field across the road from the house.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47The cat will find them, bring them in alive,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50play with them for a bit and then just get distracted.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55"Ooh, a sunbeam!" And let them go! We've more mice in the house now than we did before we had a cat!
0:15:55 > 0:16:00Cos he keeps getting them from the wild and releasing them into captivity.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02LAUGHTER
0:16:02 > 0:16:08And it's not just mice. It's like a nature documentary in my house now.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I'd never seen a vole before.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Didn't know what a vole looked like till I found a dead one in me shoe.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER A pheasant.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20A fully-grown hen pheasant.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24That's the biggest thing the cat's brought in still alive so far.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Which I know does make it sound like he's brought in bigger things than that dead.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Two wolves and a postman, just in case you're wondering.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35A pheasant. Have you ever had a little bird,
0:16:35 > 0:16:39like a blue tit or a chaffinch get into your house?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41They suddenly seem huge, don't they?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Suddenly, you're being terrorised by this winged beast.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46See a pheasant? They're big outside!
0:16:46 > 0:16:51They're big in your garden. See when you're in your living room? They're gigantic!
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Cos certain things seem bigger inside than they do outside, that's just
0:16:55 > 0:16:58a trick of perspective. That's why a car showroom works as a concept,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02cos a car indoors looks a lot bigger than a car outside on a forecourt.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Sales psychology. Certain things seem bigger inside than they do outside.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10And you ladies would do well to bear that in mind. Boom!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Anyway, I come down the stairs,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15and there's this pheasant, which incidentally,
0:17:15 > 0:17:20wasn't keen on moving out, once it had tasted the high life of Casa Byrne!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I don't know if he'd said to the pheasant, "Just show them
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"your arse now and again, they'll feed you. They're idiots.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:35And I'm looking at the cat like I'm annoyed at him, but I'm also quite impressed at what he's done.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38The cat's looking back at me, like he's impressed with himself.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41But he's also quite scared of what he's wrought on the house.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Cat's looking at me, going, "I know, it's massive, isn't it?!"
0:17:44 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:54"I'll be honest, I thought it was big when it was OUTSIDE! But...
0:17:56 > 0:18:00"Now I've brought it in, I'm scared to go near it. It's huge, look at it!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06"Anyway, I got you this.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11"If you don't want it, put it on eBay, I don't really give a shit."
0:18:11 > 0:18:15I'm making fun of the cat, I'm slagging the cat - it's my nature.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20But I actually did grow to quite like him. I did develop a certain level
0:18:20 > 0:18:22of grudging affection for the cat.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25But we had a step back in our relationship recently.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The first time I saw him kill and eat a mouse right in front of me.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Then there's a far more malevolent force living in your house.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36He was there with this mouse on the welcome mat. On the welcome mat!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41Did you know that cats have a sense of irony? I did not.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Welcome to your doom!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:50And he's just playing with this mouse, and it's horrible,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52and the mouse is fighting back like it has a chance,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and he's letting it go and catching it again.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59And then it was just so callous. He suddenly just flipped a switch, "I tire of you now."
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Ksshhh! Tossed it into his gob and ate it in three gulps.
0:19:02 > 0:19:08Bones crunching and everything, tail falls there, guts fall there.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11And then, the cat just looked at me.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15He just looked right at me as if to say, "See that?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18"Now we know what I'm capable of.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24"We'll have no more of this dry food bullshit, yeah?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28"There's my little arse."
0:19:32 > 0:19:37Apollo, you've been lovely, thank you for listening, I've been Ed Byrne, cheers.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Ed Byrne, ladies and gentlemen!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56OK, are you ready for the next act of the evening?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59CHEERING
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Please put your hands together for Lee Nelson!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Hello! Hello! Hello!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Hello! Hello! Hello! Aw'ight, Apollo?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22CHEERING
0:20:22 > 0:20:28Yes, I am in the mood of my life, I've just had a second kid!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30WHOOPING
0:20:30 > 0:20:37Yeah! We had an 'ome delivery, which is in-cred-ible!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41The midwife come round the house and they got my missus on the floor,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44they stripped her off, give her a load of drugs
0:20:44 > 0:20:46and told her it wouldn't hurt.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I pissed myself, cos that is exactly how I got her preggers!
0:20:55 > 0:21:01We're a properly family now. We've got my six-year-old boy, Stairwell.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Don't laugh at Stairwell, man, we done a Posh and Becks
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and named him after where we done it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11And now we got my little baby girl, Nina.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Yeah, we done it in a police van.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23People knock Posh and Becks, but I think they're all right, you know?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Posh Spice, she's incredible, innit? What's she like, a singer,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28songwriter, dancer, musician,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32TV presenter, fashion designer, author.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36That's amazing, innit, to be shit at seven jobs?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46I'm a London boy. London's the best city in the world, innit?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- CHEERING - Best of everything in London -
0:21:48 > 0:21:50best pubs, bars, clubs.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Even our transport's the best. Don't laugh at that, man!
0:21:53 > 0:21:58We must have the greatest rail replacement bus service...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I do like going to the countryside every so often.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09I'm not ashamed to admit, I pop in my car, I drive and drive,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13find some empty field in the middle of nowhere, I just get out,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15just be like...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16HE INHALES
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Yeah!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Yeeaahh!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yeeeaaahhh!
0:22:24 > 0:22:28This is where I'll dump my fridge.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38And head back to civilisation after that, man!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Countryside people is mental!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Fox hunting? Fox hunting?! What is you on about?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47If you want to kill a fox,
0:22:47 > 0:22:53you don't need hundreds of people on horseback and a truckload of dogs.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55You need an overflowing bin and a brick!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05You know, when I was a little bit embarrassed about being
0:23:05 > 0:23:09a Londoner during them riots, that was crazy times, innit, people?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I'm 100% against them rioters.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Unless they're running towards you, then I'm with them all the way.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19My area got hit bad, people, you should see the shops
0:23:19 > 0:23:24on my High Street, it is crazy - looted, looted, looted, looted,
0:23:24 > 0:23:29looted, looted, looted, looted, looted, looted...
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Holland & Barrett.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37They didn't even lock the doors!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"Let's thieve some trainers."
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"Nah, mate, I'm getting myself some Omega 3s!"
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I saw some mental sights in the riots.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Group of people coming out of Currys,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56holding a load of televisions,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Currys staff chasing down the road after them -
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"Sto-o-o-o-o-op!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"How about an extended warranty?"
0:24:12 > 0:24:15You know what I love about London Town?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18We welcome all the people from all around the world, innit.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19I bet we's got people
0:24:19 > 0:24:23from overseas in the house tonight. Overseas people, show me some love!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- CHEERING AND WHOOPING - Loads and loads and loads!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30What about over there? I saw a few from overseas.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Where you from, geez? Australia? Welcome, Australians!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35There's so many Aussies in London
0:24:35 > 0:24:37we've even got nicknames for each other.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41You call us Poms, innit? Yeah!
0:24:41 > 0:24:42We call you racists.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Welcome, you legend, my man.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Do you miss all the beaches and the barbecues and that?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Yeah, definitely.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Probably about time you pissed off home, innit.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Jokes, jokes, jokes, you legend! It's just banter.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12We'll have a drink in the bar afterwards? Yes!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Promise you'll serve me first, though.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Welcome. Isn't this nice, all the different foreign people?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Who else has we got in the house? Legend over there. Where you from?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Wales.- Wales!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34You idiot!
0:25:38 > 0:25:43They get well wound up when we call them sheep shaggers, innit?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Dunno why you don't just stop it, but there you go. Welcome, geez.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I've been to Wales, it's a nice place.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55There's even like a time difference, which I couldn't believe. Yes, I was in Swansea,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57they're about eight years behind.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Welcome to Wales, man! Who else has we got? In't this nice?
0:26:05 > 0:26:11- What's that, you legend?- Kenya! - Kenya? Aw, welcome, you legend!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I've got African relatives of my own, I feel like there's a bond there.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I never knew I had African relatives
0:26:17 > 0:26:20until I got an e-mail out of the blue about two weeks ago.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Welcome. I love it all, man, all the different cultures,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37all the different things. Different accents, ain't that fun?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I hear different accents, I think of different things.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44I hear an Australian accent, I'm thinking, sport.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I hear an Italian accent, I'm thinking, food.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52I hear an Indian accent, I think, I'm about to be put on hold.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Aw, people, I's got to get going now, people!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06CROWD: Awww!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I've got to get home to my little boy,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11we're in the middle of a game of hide and seek.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20And back to my new baby girl, yes! Yes!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Can't wait for that, man, innit. Innit a miracle,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26ain't creating a baby the biggest miracle in the whole wide world?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Innit? I just keep thinking, how did my
0:27:29 > 0:27:35one little sperm manage to find its way to my missus's egg?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I came on her tits, for hell's sake!
0:27:46 > 0:27:50People, I's been Lee Nelson, you's been a bunch of legends.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Spread the love, London!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Thank you, thank you, thank you!
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Lee Nelson there!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11You've been a fantastic crowd. Put your hands together Ed Byrne, Lee Nelson,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15my name's Sean Lock, thank you very much, and good night!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:34 > 0:28:37E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk