0:00:19 > 0:00:21'Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23'please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:25'Alan Carr!'
0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Oh, how lovely!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Oh!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, Hammersmith!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Ah!
0:00:48 > 0:00:53Welcome to Live At The Apollo. I'm your host, Alan Carr.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Woohoo! Thank you.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59I'm not a sheepdog.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Visited my nan the other day. You got to visit your nan, ain't ya?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- ALL: Yes! - Yeah. I went to see her, bless her.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12She was sucking the chocolate off a Crunchie to send to Cash for Gold.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I don't know how much money pensioners get.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Honestly she's got herself a 3D HD Plasma screen in her lounge.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Honestly, it's huge. It's huge.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29The people on the screen are bigger than she is.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33The council drove by, thought she was subletting to Poirot.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Honestly, but she loves it though. All this technology.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I'm the other way. I'm going...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43You're going to think I'm mad, but you know what I can't stand?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Digital cameras.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I like the old ones, know what I mean?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I don't like to get the image instantly,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I like to wait to get back from the holiday
0:01:51 > 0:01:53before I realise I'm fat and pasty, yeah?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57People show you it, don't they? "Oh, yes!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01"Great the way me back fat's poking through the slots of the sun lounger!"
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Got screensaver written all over it, hasn't it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11What celebs have we got here?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Hello, Eamonn. Eamonn and Ruth, come on.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Olly Murs.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22CHEERING
0:02:24 > 0:02:27And little Geordie Joe sneaked in behind you.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Fucking X Factor fantasy of mine.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Hello, love. Can I just say I love you? You know his skinny fit jeans?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38He's got the image. Ollie is the image I want.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Ain't he lovely? He's gorgeous.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42SHOUTS OF APPROVAL
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- He wears those skinny fit jeans. - Yeah.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I've had to throw mine out, honestly.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I had to. I got on the bus and a woman gave her seat up for me.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Ollie, those hats!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Do you know, I got myself a white Trilby,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05cos I want to look like Justin Timberlake. I got it from Top Man.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07A white Trilby?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I look like a fishmonger at Morrisons.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Honestly. Pow! Pow! Pow!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Got some lovely scallops for your tea, Mrs Henderson.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Pop them in your basket.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Who else have we got? Oh, Arg.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30The Only Way Is Essex.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32CHEERING
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Any Essex girls in?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I don't think there is tonight.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Are you sure, cos... - There might be.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I'm not being rude, but over there I saw a flash of vajazzle.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Honestly, it was like looking in a magpie's nest.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Oh, Ollie doesn't know. Let me explain.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- You know a woman's lady garden? - Yes, yep.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- It's where they decorate it with sequins.- Oh, really?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56- Trinkets. - OK, yeah.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Hundreds and thousands.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I mean, they do.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Where I live, everyone does vajazzle.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Every shop does vajazzling. My best mate Monica, she got vajazzled.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11She only popped in to get her keys cut.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16The mechanical man did it in the window.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Seriously. Honest to God. Listen, Arg. She went to get it done
0:04:28 > 0:04:31and she missed her appointment and the girl became the counter went,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"A client's just gone in. Can you come back in an hour?"
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I said "An hour?! How big is it?"
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Go to Wickes and get it crazy paved for less.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42It's true!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45No, but these things they keep inventing, no-one tells me.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I took my two goddaughters to the leisure centre to go swimming.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52No-one told me they'd invented a wave machine.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Did you know about this?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57There I am, at the leisure centre, minding me own business.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00All of a sudden, I hear...
0:05:00 > 0:05:02IMITATES SIREN
0:05:10 > 0:05:11It's getting choppy!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17And then I couldn't kick because my locker key was round me weak leg.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I thought someone had pulled the plug out.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"Help! Help! Help!"
0:05:25 > 0:05:29No! This lifeguard runs over with a float.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Do you remember those white floats you used to get at school?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Do you remember the texture of them?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40They always had a bite out of them, mind?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46How far away from land have you floated...
0:05:46 > 0:05:47that you're that hungry?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54WOMAN SQUEALS
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's been a long time since I've made a woman make that noise.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Oh, it's Melanie Sykes. Hello, Mel!
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Oh, thanks for laughing.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That's what friends are for.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Hope you brought your Tena Lady.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17How unfit am I?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Do you see me sweating?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I don't mind getting the underarm bits. It's when you get the W's.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30You've been sitting down and you get up
0:06:30 > 0:06:34and they're underlined. You're like, "What?!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:37You see, Gok was meant to help me with my outfit.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You know Gok Wan? You like Gok?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40CHEERING
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I love Gok, he's great. People always say
0:06:42 > 0:06:46"When are you and Gok going to get together?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48We can't, we can't.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51If we had kids, they'd be Wan-Carrs!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Do you know?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04And let's face it, they're going to get bullied at school anyway.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Know what I mean? Let's not over-egg the pudding.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"Wan-Carr?" "Here, Sir!"
0:07:09 > 0:07:12With a handbag.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I took my two goddaughters to the zoo,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18cos I'm a good godfather and everything.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20The trouble is, they're at that age...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23that face-painting stage, you know what I mean?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25When they like face painting.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28The eldest one has got her face done as a tiger.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I don't know how I feel about that at the zoo. Do you know what I mean?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Not only do we take away these animals' freedom and liberty,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37we start taking the piss out of their face.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42The youngest one has got her face done as a dormouse.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Going round the reptile house,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46they're creaming their drawers in there!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50A Komodo dragon started laying the table.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57While I'm there in the zoo, the zookeeper comes to me.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"Hello.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"Would you like to feed the monkeys?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"Would you like a bit of fruit and get in the cage
0:08:05 > 0:08:06"and feed the monkeys?"
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Then I realised he had a lazy eye and was looking at the girls.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Freaked me out! Freaked me out! Then the girls said,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"We don't want to get in the cage and feed the monkeys.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"Will you do it, Uncle Alan?"
0:08:25 > 0:08:28"Yes, what a good idea(!)"
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I get in the cage, I'm feeding the monkeys.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33People are filming me. They're shouting commands.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Stroke the monkey! Stroke the monkey!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"Faster! Harder!
0:08:40 > 0:08:41"Dance with the monkey!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"Look like you're enjoying it!"
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Then this school kid comes by and goes "Look, it's got a stiffy!"
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I actually looked down at my own crotch!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I looked down!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Do I look like shit?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I do, don't I?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07WOLF WHISTLE
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You are a sick bastard!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Why are you whistling at camp chubby man,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17who has obviously a thyroid issue?!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22What you saying?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Sorry, I'm not fluent in, "Oh, bear!"
0:09:25 > 0:09:28< Your flies are undone!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Oh, my God!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:46It's popped off!
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Oh, no!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56You've all been looking at my knob.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Shouldn't bloody be looking, you big gay!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I am like Oscar Wilde, ain't I?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I really am, with these witty putdowns.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Let's welcome our first comedian to the stage.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I love her, you love her.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It's Andi Osho! Woo!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Hey!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Hello!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, this is nice!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Did he do the whole thing with his flies undone?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40I couldn't see. Is that it?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, my days! Never mind.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Don't look at my boobs.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47This is good, this is nice. Are there loads of couples in?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Give me a cheer, couples.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49MUTED CHEERING
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Hey, that's nice. That's the sound of a thousand blokes being nudged in the ribs.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57And are there single people in? Single people, give me a cheer.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00LOUDER CHEERING
0:11:00 > 0:11:03You see how much happier they sound?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Amazing. I'm single,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I've been single for ages. I think, and I...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I can't tell whether it's cos I'm really fussy.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Cos this I all I want, right - a good-looking bloke who's smart.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16And the smart thing, is a deal-breaker for me.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I don't want the sort of bloke
0:11:18 > 0:11:22who licks his finger before turning the page on a Kindle.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Or worse still, licks the Kindle to turn the page.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31That's bad. But it has been ages since I've even...
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I haven't had a date, this is absolutely true, I've not had a date for three years.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- AUDIENCE: Aw! - Save your sympathy!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41When I'm talking about dates, I'm not talking about getting drunk with some bloke
0:11:41 > 0:11:44and staggering back to his. In which case, I've been dating!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Probably a little bit too much, to be perfectly honest,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49but a girl's got to eat. Now...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:57It's true. Honestly, you've got to keep it all working down there.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I saw it on Embarrassing Bodies - a woman's vajuju healed up.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03It was like a Sindy doll down there!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You've got to keep it, you know.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07But seriously, I'm down to last resorts now.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10This is my last resort, because I've tried everything.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I've done internet dating and all that. My last resort is to walk into a random pub
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and hope someone replies if I go,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18# I like old movies... #
0:12:18 > 0:12:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:27That's all I've got left. But that could work.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33you know what I love about that ad? I would love it if that wasn't the first shop she'd been into.
0:12:33 > 0:12:39If she'd gone into a weird shop like that one in Pulp Fiction with all the samurai swords on the wall.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41And she'd gone up to the piano...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43# I like old movies... #
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Then she'd heard from the back...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47# Like Scream and Saw III... #
0:12:47 > 0:12:50OK, not this shop, but thank you, thank you.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54They all advertise as well, don't they?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57The internet dating companies, like Uniform Dating,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01they advertise, but they don't even have people in their adverts.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04And then the tag line, she goes, "Do you work in uniform,
0:13:04 > 0:13:05"or fancy those who do?"
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Isn't that just like everybody, then?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16That's like BUPA bringing out a new health care product -
0:13:16 > 0:13:21"Are you healthy, ill, dead, or know someone who is?"
0:13:22 > 0:13:24They're not helping me.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Or eHarmony, that's another one, they advertise a lot.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Sometimes they reject people's applications,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and a guy put in an application and it got rejected
0:13:32 > 0:13:34cos of what he said in response to a question.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37And there's a screen grab of it on the internet.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39It goes "eHarmony has rejected your application
0:13:39 > 0:13:44"because in response to the question 'What do you find most attractive in a woman?'"
0:13:44 > 0:13:46The bloke had written "my dick".
0:13:51 > 0:13:52How good is that?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Because it tells a woman two important things.
0:13:55 > 0:13:571 - He has got a sense of humour.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59What girl doesn't like a guy with a sense of humour?
0:13:59 > 0:14:012 - He's got a dick.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07What girl doesn't like a guy with a dick? All of us.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11But I did internet dating,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and the problem I had with it
0:14:13 > 0:14:15was basically the men.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19No, what it is, I think it's the panic of having to advertise yourself,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20so they write weird things.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Like they'll put down "reading" as a hobby.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Now, reading is not a hobby,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29that's just something you should be able to do.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You know, what are you going to put next?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"I'm a big fan of eating and thinking. Pick me!"
0:14:34 > 0:14:36No, mate, put that you're a fan of putting up shelves
0:14:36 > 0:14:39and munching rug, then I'll pick you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Yep. They wouldn't even need a photo then.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50I'd be like, "My God, this guy sounds amazing, where is he?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:53People say, "Andi, you could try meeting people in a nightclub."
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You'll never meet anyone good in a nightclub,
0:14:55 > 0:15:00because the nightclub environment is designed to have us make bad decisions.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's dark, you can't see, you can't hear.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05You know what, if nightclubs want to be responsible
0:15:05 > 0:15:10what they should do to help us out, is just before the exit, they should have a brightly lit room,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13where you can check out the person you're leaving with.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17They should call it the Have A Sodding Word With Yourself Lounge.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23And you'd get women in there just going, "Oh, my god, you're wearing a fleece.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27"I couldn't tell because it's so dark in there. OK, nice to meet you!"
0:15:31 > 0:15:33But listen, if you meet somebody online,
0:15:33 > 0:15:38all I'm going to say is there's some safety things to take into consideration.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Now, I met somebody through Twitter just the once - never again -
0:15:41 > 0:15:45and it was the most irresponsible thing I've ever done. I spoke to a friend about it
0:15:45 > 0:15:48and I said, "I've met this guy, and we seem to really like each other
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"and we're talking about meeting up. Should I meet him?"
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Before my mate had a chance to say anything,
0:15:53 > 0:15:57I said, "I AM going to meet this guy. You know why? Cos life's too short."
0:15:57 > 0:16:01And my mate just went, "Yeah, you're going to find out how short!"
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And my mum says, "Look, if you go on these dates,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"make sure you meet in a public place."
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I'm going to add something to that. Public place - brill.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Public house - excellent.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Public toilet...
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Never meet in a public toilet. No good can come of it,
0:16:20 > 0:16:25unless it's them space-age toilets that they have outside,
0:16:25 > 0:16:30where you put the money in, press the button and then the door opens. Cos you can pretend it's Blind Date.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Oh, how good is that, you just put the money in, and press the button!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38SHE HUMS BLIND DATE THEME
0:16:40 > 0:16:44And if you don't like them, just press the button really quickly.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I don't know why young couples,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51new couples, have got this obsession with finding out
0:16:51 > 0:16:54how many people someone has been out with from before.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Like, how many previous partners? This is a lose/lose situation.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00And if any of you have ever had that conversation,
0:17:00 > 0:17:05or you think it's going to come up, this is what you should say, OK? Just say,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09"You want to know how many previous partners? OK, I'll tell you from the beginning.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11"One, two, three, four,
0:17:11 > 0:17:12"YOU...
0:17:12 > 0:17:13"six, seven..."
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much! Good night!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Andi Osho!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Who else have we got? Jake Humphrey from Formula One.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41ALL: Woo!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Hello, love.- Hello.- What's your show about? What's it...?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47No, I'm not being horrible. I've never heard of it.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- It's driving cars and stuff. - Driving cars.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Oh, what do you think of those electric cars?
0:17:53 > 0:17:58- Brilliant, good for the environment. - Good for the environment. You know why I'm asking...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00They asked me to be the face of electric cars.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05No, because you know me surname's Carr?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09They spent hours thinking this up, honestly, yeah.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12And the money was good, I thought I'd do it, and then I saw the slogan.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"The car you don't have to stick your nozzle in and pump."
0:18:16 > 0:18:22It's true, it's true. It took me ages....
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Honestly, how long did it take you to pass your test, Jake?- First time.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Oh, don't you hate people, "first time".
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Do you know how long it took me? Four times, yeah.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33The first time I failed me test it weren't my fault.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I had the wrong prescription in my glasses.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It had a concave lens.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Honestly, I kept veering off into the hedge and the verge.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Honestly, the poor instructor! I was screaming,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45he was blackberry picking.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51He was a pervert.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53He liked me to go down the country lanes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57"Let's go down the country lanes, me and you.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"Let's go down the country lanes."
0:18:59 > 0:19:01He liked me to drive over cattle grids
0:19:01 > 0:19:03cos it made me chest jiggle.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Oh, can I tell you this, it's a bit personal?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I had a health scare, yeah, I caught something in a hot tub.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Now listen,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I hate hot tubs, yeah, I was round me friend's house,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21we're having a nice meal,
0:19:21 > 0:19:22the plates get taken away and he says,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24"Hey, Alan...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27"..grab a glass of wine, put some Speedos on,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"and come and join me and the wife in the hot tub."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:19:33 > 0:19:35What's wrong with an after-dinner mint,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37why do I have to get in a hot tub?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40They're wrong hot tubs, ain't they, they're wrong?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43It's like me inviting you all for dinner, then saying,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"I've run a bath, do you want to get in?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"No, wait, I'll push it into the front lawn
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"so the neighbours can see us."
0:19:54 > 0:19:56We haven't got the views over here, have we?
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Fair enough if you're in California watching the sun set on the horizon,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02but over here, a rusty swingball
0:20:02 > 0:20:04and a fox going through your rubbish!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Oh, look, a syringe. Ooh!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17This kind of shit happens to me.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I think it's time for our second comedian,
0:20:21 > 0:20:22he's absolutely brilliant,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Hammersmith, go mad, go crazy
0:20:25 > 0:20:29and welcome to the stage the one and only, Patrick Kielty!
0:20:29 > 0:20:35- Woo! - AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Thank you very much. Good evening, Apollo, how are we?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Good, good, we're all here, all ready to laugh Britain
0:20:53 > 0:20:55out of recession,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57that's...that's what it is,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59cos it's tough times,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02it's tough for everybody, tough to be Irish at the minute,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04tough to be Irish in London at the minute.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Any Irish in?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08- AUDIENCE: Whey! - Whey, yeah.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11The Polish have stolen all the building work.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16The Muslims have stolen all the terrorism work.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Yeah, it...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"They come over here, they steal our bombs!"
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I tell you, that was good while it lasted,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32honestly, that was the greatest scam that Irish people ever had.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Blow it up on a Friday,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36start building it again on a Monday, that was great!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"Have you much work on at the minute, Seamus?"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44"Not much, Michael." "Leave it with me."
0:21:47 > 0:21:51And can I just say, guys as someone from Northern Ireland,
0:21:51 > 0:21:52can I just say,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55congratulations on your riots, London, that was...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Yeah, round of applause for the riots there,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01that's...one, or two,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04only the people that actually rioted applauding there, that was good.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09People who rioted thinking other people were going to join in.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12It brought me back to my childhood,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14it really did, it did.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18It was just the right mixture between excitement and fear.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It reminded me of being an altar boy again. It...
0:22:25 > 0:22:26And the great thing about it for me
0:22:26 > 0:22:29was that that people asked my opinion.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32They kind of think that when you're from Northern Ireland
0:22:32 > 0:22:34you're an expert.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Which is kind of nice,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39or racist really, it's kind of racist.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43I went on Daybreak during the riots,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46as if London wasn't suffering enough,
0:22:46 > 0:22:47and I kid you not, right,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Adrian Chiles asked me, he said,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"So before we talk about what you're here to talk about,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55"disgraceful scenes in London, last night,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59"you're from Belfast, Patrick, what do you think?"
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I'm like, "Well, Adrian, most of these kids are only doing this
0:23:05 > 0:23:07"because they grew up in shitholes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"You're from Birmingham, what do you think?"
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS - So...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20What was he expecting?!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Was he expecting some type of post-match analysis from me?
0:23:23 > 0:23:28- IMITATES ALAN HANSEN:- "Technically very, very poor, badly organised.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32"You might pick up a plasma in this country
0:23:32 > 0:23:33"with that type of performance,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"but in Europe they'll eat you for breakfast."
0:23:39 > 0:23:41We love a kneejerk reaction in this country,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43they were talking about whether, you know...
0:23:43 > 0:23:46How are we going to prevent trouble next time round?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50And we said, we'll shut down Twitter and BBM.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Great, put us up there with Syria and Saudi Arabia
0:23:54 > 0:23:56That's good work, isn't it?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Well, I've got a better idea.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Next time there's any trouble, we'll just get onto the phone companies
0:24:01 > 0:24:05and ask them to only forward texts that are spelt properly
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and are grammatically correct.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09That's... I'm thinking...
0:24:13 > 0:24:17..I'm thinking that might thin the crowd down a little bit.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21It'll just be Joan Bakewell and Stephen Fry outside the Apple store.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28"Stephen, who does this iPad belong to?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"No, no, Joan, I think you'll find
0:24:31 > 0:24:35"it's to whom does this iPad belong?"
0:24:38 > 0:24:39But we've basically given up,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42we've given up on spelling, we've given up on mental arithmetic.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I saw Wayne Rooney on the TV
0:24:44 > 0:24:46a few weeks ago.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Wayne Rooney said, "The lads gave a 150%."
0:24:53 > 0:24:55No, Wayne that's...
0:24:55 > 0:24:59they can't give 150%, that's kind of not possible,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01it's like, who's going to take Wayne aside
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and explain that in terms that Wayne understands?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08You can't have more than a 100%, Wayne, you've a 150...
0:25:08 > 0:25:12It's like having two hookers in your room
0:25:12 > 0:25:14and trying to shag three of them, Wayne.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It's, um...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:25:23 > 0:25:27I love David Cameron's answer to the trouble.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30David Cameron, to prevent social unrest next time round, he says,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"We need to encourage more marriage."
0:25:33 > 0:25:37That's the solution for all our problems in this country.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39To prevent antisocial behaviour,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42random acts of violence and binge drinking - more marriage.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Is he the only man in this country that hasn't seen
0:25:47 > 0:25:50My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? It's...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56For me, it's amazing what you get away with,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58when you give something a cuddly title -
0:25:58 > 0:26:00My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding -
0:26:00 > 0:26:03and really, what the programme makers mean by that is,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07"Let's watch pikeys on the piss."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09That's kind of...
0:26:09 > 0:26:12That's kind of why we watch it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15The programme makers say, "No, no.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17"These programmes are a social study
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"into the individual and cultural differences within the UK."
0:26:21 > 0:26:24So that's why the advert for Seven Dwarves, features a two-foot man
0:26:24 > 0:26:28trying to get a book off a six-foot shelf, is that right?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31We all know what these shows mean,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Big Fat Gypsy Wedding - laugh at pikeys,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36The Only Way Is Essex - laugh at chavs...
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Um...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Geordie Shore - laugh at chavs with no coats.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Made in Chelsea - laugh at wankers!
0:26:56 > 0:27:01AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Seven Dwarves - laugh at midgets,
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Embarrassing Bodies - laugh at people with odd-shaped testicles,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09that's basically it.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Has the word "embarrassing" changed, since I was small?
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Cos when I had a pimple on my nose
0:27:18 > 0:27:22I wasn't going to school for two days, and apparently now
0:27:22 > 0:27:24if you've got balls the size of a space hopper
0:27:24 > 0:27:26or labia like elephant's ears...
0:27:30 > 0:27:34..you go on TV and show everybody, that's...
0:27:34 > 0:27:35"What's that?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"Oh, I'm mortified! Oh!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"Don't look. Get a close-up. I'm mortified!"
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Folks, you've been fantastic, I've been Patrick Kielty,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52thank you very much, Apollo, good night, thank you, cheers.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Patrick Kielty!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Have you had a good night, Hammersmith?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- Give it up for Patrick Kielty. - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- And Andi Osho. - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I've been Alan Carr. See you!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS - Thank you, bye.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:45 > 0:28:48E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk